Funny / Thomas Abridged

As the largest and longest Thomas & Friends Parody Fic, Thomas Abridged is chock-full of funny moments.

In General

• First and foremost, the absurd way that the storylines are set out. By about Season 3, sideplots like Thomas' struggle with his cigarette addiction and half of the railway getting drunk seem commonplace on Sodor.
• Carlin's constant swearing. Especially since nobody seems to bat an eye at his foul mouth.
• How whenever there's an Accidental Innuendo (which is usually Once an Episode), the narrator comments on it.
• A lot of the engines like to deliberately pronounce "rubbish" as "Rabbish!", mostly to piss James off.

Season 1

• "Thomas and Gordon":
  • Thomas' introduction, especially since he talks back at the narrator for calling him a "cheeky little sod".
  • The description of Knapford Station, likening it to a youth club. In that it's busy, filled with yobs and smelling of wee.
• "Edward and Gordon":
  • Edward tries to question the Tidmouth Shed hierarchy and gets immediately demoted to below Thomas.
• "The Sad Story of Henry":
  • James comes across Henry, stuck in the tunnel, and offers to help, on one condition: Henry gets his name right.
  Henry: Uh...uh...oh...I know, is it...uh...Jerome?
  James: HAHAHAHAHAHA no.
  • Henry interrupting the narrator at the end, bemoaning that "THIS IS A TERRIBLE ENDING!"
• "Edward, Gordon and Henry":
  • Hatt attacking David Mitton.
  • Hatt's half-drunken shout of "SENNNNNNNNNNNND FOR ANOTHER ONE!" after Gordon breaks down.
• "Thomas' Train":
  • Thomas accidentally running over his fireman. His driver's horrified reaction completes it.
  • Thomas' Delayed Reaction when he realises he's left his train behind.
  Thomas: OH BALLS ALIVE!
• "Thomas and the Trucks":
  • After he nearly crashes, Thomas sees a foreboding shadow:
  Thomas: DEATH?!
  The Fat Controller: Worse.
• "Thomas and the Breakdown Train":
  • The Narrator briefing Thomas on what's going to happen when James comes through.
  • A very dazed James telling a cow of all things that someone knew his name.

Season 2

• "Thomas and Trevor":
  • Thomas' reaction to meeting Trevor for the first time:
  Thomas: He's a what engine? IS HE RELATED TO TERRENCE?! BECAUSE I CAN'T DEAL WITH ANOTHER GRINNING DEMON FROM HELL!
• "Duck Takes Charge":
  • Gordon and Percy being utterly beffudled on what the hell a Rabbish is. Percy thinks it's a kind of red vegetable.
• "The Runaway"
  • When Thomas returns from the works:
  Thomas: WHAT HO YOU LOT!
  Percy: Oh God, he's back.
• "Percy Takes The Plunge":
  • The moment Percy sees the danger board, he begins formulating a plan. Thomas, meanwhile, just rolls his eyes and wonders if they can get a crane ready for the inevitable.
• "Pop Goes the Diesel"
  • When Duck makes one of his usual announcements:
  Duck: There are two ways of doing things; the Great Western way, or the wrong way. I'm Great Western and...
  The Others:Don't we bloody well know it!?
  • Gordon apparently hid Henry's tender in the same scene, resulting in him being left behind until a fitter took pity on him.
• "Break Van":
  • James screaming at Douglas to shut up
  James: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!! IT'S!!! NOT!!!! FUNNY!!!!
• "Daisy":
  • Percy falling for Daisy the moment he sees her... then gives up a couple hours later once he realises how horrible she is.
  • Daisy's terrible French-cum-Essex accent dying after she sees the state of the carriage shed.
• "Percy's Predicament":
  • Percy's epic morphine-fueled rant at the Fat Controller after his accident.
  Percy: Sir, with the greatest of respect... fuck you. FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS, IF I CAN BE SO BOLD!!! GO TO HELL SIR, I HAVE HAD A CRAP DAY MYSELF!!! YOU THINK I LIKE BEING STUCK ON A STACK OF TRUCKS, YOU FAT FUCK SIR?!! YOU THINK THAT I ENJOY THIS?!! I WOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THIS STUPID GODDAMN MESS IF YOU HADN'T BROUGHT THAT SHIT WORKER OF A RAILCAR OVER HERE!!! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK HAS BEEN DOING ALL THE WORK?!! HER?!! IT'S NOT!!! IT'S BEEN ME!!! ME ME ME ME ME ME!!! I HAVE LITERALLY STOOD BY AND TAKEN EVERYONE'S SHIT OVER THIS PAST YEAR, AND FOR WHAT?! SO I CAN HAVE INDIGNITY UPON INDIGNITY SHOVED ON ME?!! IF YOU WANT TO RANT AT SOMEONE AND FORCE AN UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT ON THEM, THAT RAILCAR SHOULD BE FIRST IN LINE!!! BUT NOOOOOOOO, WE CAN'T HAVE THAT, CAN WE, MR FAT ASS FUCK CONTROLLER?!! GO!!!! TO!!!! HELL!!!! SIR!!!!!
  • The fact that the Fat Controller is so taken aback by the rant that he almost immediately changes his mind about leaving Percy stranded on top of the wrecked truck as punishment.

Season 3

• "Thomas Gets Bumped"
  • Thomas accidentally calls Farmer McColl Hitler.
  There were some boundaries that not even he would cross.
• "Buzz, Buzz"
  • This line of dialogue when James gets stung on the nose.
  Narrator: Somewhere on Mars, the scream echoed across the red canyons, scaring any life that would have emerged back into its crater.
  • James' failed attempt to fry the bees in his own steam leaves him with a hacking cough that persists for the next three days.
• "Heroes"
  • Edward's scream is apparently heard all around the world when the Fat Controller forces him to work with Bill & Ben.
  Narrator: From China, to India, to Belgium, to America, the sound of Edward's scream could be heard echoing.
• "Percy, James, and the Fruitful Day":
  • At the end, the others, unable to tolerate another smug quip from Thomas after the events of the episode, attack him en masse. When Toby comes by:
  Toby: (shocked) What the hell happened to you all!?
  Edward spat out a tooth, while Henry and Gordon had ice applied to their eyes, Duck's missing wheel was put back into place, Percy and James had the fruit they had pelted at each other removed and Thomas was dragged off to see if they could fix him up.
  Edward: Toby, you don't want to know.
  • Even better, Thomas doesn't realize he's basically asking for karma to beat him, not even after hearing someone sharpen what's implied to be a knife or Percy's aggressive "So!?".
• "Thomas and Percy's Christmas Adventure"
  • "If someday you should see Thomas the Tank Engine puffing happily down his branch line, shoot him."

Season 4

• "Bulldog"
  • Duke teaching Falcon about mountains, which involved telling him that mountains existed, what the tallest mountain in the world is, what the shortest was (a molehill beside the sheds), that engines don't usually climb mountains unless they were from Shout Out/Culdee Fell and that pancakes taste really good with syrup.
  • Also prior to this Falcon's crew genuinely fearing that he would deliberately throw himself of the side of the mountain to spite Duke.
• "Fish"
  • The narrator accidentally calling the Flying Kipper "the Flying Deathtrap".

Season 5 and Thomas and the Magic Railroad

• "A Better View For Gordon": Earlier in the story, Gordon traps the Steam Team in the sheds and has the turntable turn away from them just because James laughed at him. After the accident and the second re-opening of Kirk Station, Gordon and the Fat Controller remember the other engines trapped in the sheds, so they rush to free them... upon which they beat up Gordon so badly he requires a third trip back to the works in the span of two months, while the poor Fat Controller ends up in dire need of counselling after they nearly run him down. And this is after the Fat Controller expressed relief they left the crappy hospital:
  He wondered if this was a sign from God to start looking at an alternative career path.
• "Duncan Gets Spooked":
  • Duncan's epic freakout after his 'ghost' sighting.
  Duncan: OH MY LORD IT'S THE GHOST IT'S THE GHOST TAKE ME BACK PLEASE OH GOD I HAVE LIVED A LIFE OF SIN THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I BREAK HANDEL'S PAGER ISN'T IT I HAVE SO MANY REGRETS!
• "Thomas and the Magic Railroad"
  • The engines screaming at Mr Conductor to go to sleep.
    • Actually, most of Diesel 10's attack on the sheds in general.
  Henry: You know, I was hoping that my death would be a lot more dignified than this.
  James: OH GOD! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!
  • Duck suggesting to Diesel 10 that he could put a bullet in his brain.
  • Gordon sarcastically calling Henry "Reverend Sharpton".
  • Carlin's reintroduction at the end of Part 3 — "I'M BACK, YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!!"
  • Mr Conductor being attacked by ants.
  • "WATCH OUT FOR THAT SHEEP!"
  • Bulstrode's cameo:
  Bulstrode: Guys?! Guys? Oh come on guys, what the hell's going on? Don't you ignore me, I'm bloody Bulstrode!
  Narrator: Bloody Bulstrode was ignored.

  • And then he's blown up by a tank.
  • The ride on the Magic Railroad:
  Junior: AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
  Carlin: AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
  Edward: —AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—
  Lily: WHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Season 6

• "Harvey to the Rescue"
  • James and Gordon are mentioned as stockpiling holy water and silver bullets the morning after Harvey arrives on the Island (the previous night, they were under the belief that Harvey's arrival was a sign that the Apocalypse was coming).
  • Harvey consuming so much alcohol that he develops a Scottish accent, much to the annoyance of the other engines (bar Donald and Douglas).
• "James and the Red Balloon"
  • James's praising of the titular red balloon leads to the eventual formation of a cult around it.

Season 7

• Emily constantly insulting Thomas with sayings like "randy git" and "duck-faced badger".
• Thomas' raging hatred towards Arthur.
• "Something Fishy":
  Fisherman: Just enjoy the nice fresh salty air we've got here!
  Narrator: "BLEURGH!" said Thomas, showing the fishermen where they could stick his salty fresh air.
• "Gordon and Spencer"
  • Edward spends most of the episode in a Heroic BSoD after realizing Spencer is an bigger Jerkass than Gordon.

Tales From The Abridgement

• "In Which No One Gets To Sleep"
  • The beginning sees Thomas and Gordon arguing over what film to watch (Gordon wanting 12 Angry Men to appear more highbrow, and Thomas wanting Patriot Games to make Gordon cross). Edward's attempt at a compromise (Get Carter) is quickly shot down by both.
  • This exchange:
  Gordon: All of you can go hang, quite frankly. I have important work tomorrow! I shall be pulling the express once more, and the passengers shall be requiring a brave and bold stallion of the line! A champion of speed and vigor and other such words! They shall need someone who is fastest! And the best! To pull the express!
  Thomas: Yeah, it's a pity they'll have to settle for you.
  • Henry somehow managing to uppercut Thomas into the corner of Tidmouth Sheds.
• "In Which Baking Happens"
  • This exchange between the engines, started by Edward's lack of faith in the baking competition:
  Edward: This is going to bomb terribly, in the best case scenario!
  Henry: Best case? What's the worst case?
  Edward: We accidentally blow up the entire Island.
  James: We do that every other day, though!
  • The Narrator describing Neville writing letters to Ofcom as being what any bored person with too much time on their hands would do.