Funny / The Trials of Apollo

As this is a Funny Moments page, spoilers are left unmarked. You Have Been Warned.

The Hidden Oracle

• Some of the haiku titles are pretty funny.
  Check your spam folder
  The prophecies might be there
  No? Well, I'm stumped. Bye
  
  Practice makes perfect
  Ha, ha, ha, I don't think so
  Ignore my sobbing
  
  Buck-naked statue
  A Neurotic Colossus
  Where art thy undies?
• On the dedications page, Rick Riordan thanks the Muse Calliope, adding that such thanks are "long overdue. Please don't hurt me." A few chapters into the book itself, Apollo mentions that Calliope "is quite touchy when novelists forget to thank her."
• In Chapter 2, Apollo makes a throwaway comment about how Zeus is probably sharing his humiliation on Snapchat. Which implies that not only does almighty Zeus use Snapchat, but so do many of the other gods.
  • Possibly a callback to The Son of Neptune, where Thanatos uses an iPad to keep track of warrants for the dead who have escaped the Underworld, and Frank thinks, "Please don't let there be an app for reaping souls."
  • This becomes even more hilarious if one had read book two of Magnus Chase… in which Heimdall is very big on social media. One can only imagine how much fun Heimdall is having laughing at Apollo's pain.
• Apollo meets Sally Jackson. When she steps out from behind the kitchen counter, he exclaims:
  Apollo: Sacred Sibyl! Madame, there is something terribly wrong with your midsection!
  Sally: Well, I'm seven months pregnant.
• Even when he's not the main character, Percy gets his snark in.
  Percy: You know, I keep thinking, I have now killed every single thing in Greek mythology. But the list never seems to end.
  Apollo: You haven't killed me yet.
  Percy: Don't tempt me.
• In fact, most of Percy and Apollo's interactions qualify:
  • On standardized testing:
    Percy: Not to mention I have to pass the DSTOMP.
    Meg: The what?
    Apollo: An exam for Roman demigods. The Demigod Standard Test of Mad Powers.
    Percy: That's what it stands for?
    Apollo: I should know. I wrote the music and poetry analysis sections.
    Percy: I will never forgive you for that.
  • Or fighting Nosoi:
    Apollo: These creatures are not myths. Of course, most things in those old myths are not myths. Except for that story about how I flayed the satyr Marsyas alive. That was a total lie.
    Percy: You did what?
    Meg: Guys. Could we talk about that later?
  • This one in retrospect is a bit of Foreshadowing or Harsher in Hindsight:
    Apollo: Where is that flying boy, Jason Grace?
    Percy: We're fresh out of flying boys.
• Apollo's assumption that the BLOFIS written inside the neckline of the jacket Sally lent him is an arcane ward against evil spirits. He actually attempts to use it against the Nosoi later on.
  Apollo: Leave us or be destroyed! BLOFIS!
  • And later, he tries the same thing by waving Paulo's bandana and yelling, "BRASIL!" Thing is, though — that time, it worked.
    Apollo: I'll be Styxed. It does have magic power. I can never tell Paolo about this or he'll be insufferable.
• Any time Apollo refers to Cabin 7 as "the Me cabin".
• The Hermes cabin pranks Chiron by altering his fake professor disguise, decking his legs out with fishnet stockings and red sequined high heels. "I see the Hermes cabin have been watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show again."
  • Again?
• Apollo explaining that he's kind of a slack parent; it may be off-kilter but when he learned of the French Revolution he did try and check on his son, Louis XIV, King of France… only to find out he died 75 years previously.
• Nico using "I have a doctor's note" as an excuse to stay near Will, more than once. Doubles as a CMOH.
  • Nico and Will's conspiracy for Nico to sit at the Apollo table during meals involved "accidental" zombie summoning and a doctor's note saying that the only way to stop said summoning was Nico sitting elsewhere. Chiron decided calling them on it really wasn't worth the effort.
    Will: It's the strangest thing. Not that Nico would ever misuse his powers to get what he wants.
    Nico: Of course not.
    • This becomes even funnier when you remember that in Battle of the Labyrinth, Annabeth stopped by Percy's table for 10 minutes to discuss a life or death situation and nearly got smote for it. Just how bad did Nico and Will get before Chiron gave up?
• Chiron tries to assure the campers that it is perfectly normal for gods to sometimes temporarily become human, and asks them to treat Apollo like any other camper. When one of them asks if they should give him an initiation swirlie, Chiron asks them not to.
• Nico getting jealous when Will starts talking about Paolo.
  Nico: You're staring.
  Will: I am not. I am merely assessing how well Paolo's arms are functioning after surgery.
  • Nico and Will are rife with these. Considering their introduction...
    Will: Nico, we have to have another talk about your people skills.
    Nico: Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble.
    Will: I apologize for my boyfriend.
    Nico: Could you not–
    Will: Would you prefer special guy? Or significant other?
    Nico: Significant annoyance, in your case.
• When Meg is claimed by Demeter:
  Then the glow became brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey.
  A boy in the crowd gasped. "She's a communist!"
• Rachel acting like a jealous girlfriend after finding out there are four other oracles. Apollo is quick to assure her that the other oracles mean nothing to him.
• Apollo's music is so good even basic scales are enchanting.
  I adjusted the pitch, but stopped when I realized Valentina was sobbing.
  "That was so beautiful!" She wiped a tear from her cheek. "What was that song?"
  I blinked. "It's called tuning."
• Will states that Nico is going to pass out after a bout of shadow travel, to which Nico denies. Guess what happens immediately afterward.
  • Will's reaction when Nico passes out as he expected.
    Will caught him [Nico] in a fireman's carry and took him away. "Good luck! I'm going to get the Lord of Darkness here some Gatorade!"
• Apollo recalls how Hades of all gods used to abuse his ability to melt into the shadows, sneaking up behind him when he was turned away and jumpscaring him with a shout of "Boo!!"
  • He remembered it as something fairly normal. As in, a regular occurrence. Which just makes it funnier.
• When the Arrow of Dodona first shows up, Apollo complains in his narration about how he hates talking weapons and how he once met a god in a bar in Stockholm who had a talking sword. Sound familiar?
• Nero at one point takes severe offense to the While Rome Burns trope. Fiddles weren't even invented yet!
  • In Tower of Nero, while he does have instruments for the burning of New York, none of them are fiddles.
• Percy Jackson shows up for the fight against the Colossus Neronus on Mrs. O'Leary. On top of the Colossus' head. Unfortunately, hellhounds are not fond of heights, so naturally... she has a little accident.
  Percy: What the– Mrs. O'Leary, geez!
• The Arrow of Dodona's opinion of Apollo's plague-magic skills:
  Arrow of Dodona: THY CHANTING SUCKETH!
  • The Arrow also doesn't know much about those incantations:
    Apollo: (irritated) The incantation does not start with "plaguey, plaguey"!
• The Colossus literally SNEEZES HIS HEAD OFF.
• Nico leading the demigods to line up and take numbers to punch Leo for worrying them.
  • Even Chiron takes a shot! Specifically, he rises from his magic wheelchair for a split-second to give Leo a good kick in the gut.
  • Damien, a new Nemesis camper, gets in line twice despite not even knowing Leo.
• So very much of Apollo's narration qualifies. Given he's a Cuckoosnarker who's been around for over 4000 years, he always has a quirky perspective, something snarky to say, or gossip to dish. A few examples:
  • Apollo's thoughts in the first chapter:
    One cannot change one's way of thinking as easily as one might, say, turn into a snow leopard.
  • Apollo first meeting Meg:
    Part of me wanted to find a fresh towel, clean her face, and give her money for a hot meal. Part of me wanted to fend her off with a chair in case she decided to bite me.
  • Apollo being absurdly arrogant at the very beginning:
    It always disappointed me when mortals put themselves first and failed to see the big picture—the importance of putting me first.
  • This comment:
    Exercise is nothing more than a depressing reminder that one is not a god.
  • Apollo on Sally Jackson meeting Meg:
    No doubt she was thinking, Who dressed this poor girl like a traffic light?
  • Apollo says this about Percy and Calypso's awkward hug:
    I hadn't witnessed such a tense greeting since Patroclus met Achilles's war prize, Briseis.
  • This comment on father-son relations:
    For all I knew, Zeus was aware of the Beast and his plans, and he had sent me here specifically to deal with the situation... a thought that did not make me any more likely to get him a nice tie for Father's Day.
  • Comcast:
    They were presently on hold with Comcast customer service and might not emerge for hours, if indeed they survived the ordeal at all.
  • Guessing Meg's parentage correctly:
    Being right so much of the time was a terrible burden.
  • The commentary on his relatives:
    The word smacked me in the face like Ares's body odor.

The Dark Prophecy

• The Three Mile Island meltdown was a result of an epic chainsaw fight between Ares and Hephaestus, started by Hephaestus insulting Ares' bell-bottom jeans.
• Among the minor altercations Apollo, Leo and Calypso had between New York and Indiana was an encounter with Potina, Roman goddess of childhood drinks, "who pursued us in the form of a giant red pitcher emblazoned with a smiley face."
• Leo explaining the Mist to Calypso:
  Leo: Makes monsters look like stray dogs. Makes swords look like umbrellas. Makes me look even more handsome than usual!
• Since losing her immortal powers, Calypso had tried and failed swords, polearms, shurikens, whips and improvisational comedy.
• Blemmyae are Made of Iron and can easily No-Sell most direct attacks. This doesn't stop Calypso from punching one...and breaking her hand. She then tries kicking it...which breaks her foot.
• The questers' "last words":
  Apollo: Friends, frenemies, blemmyae... open your armpits and hear my sad tale!
  Calypso: I'm going to be sick. Let me sit down.
  Apollo: You're breaking my rhythm.
  Calypso: You're breaking my eardrums. Let me sit!
  • And then while acting as Apollo's chorus, Calypso kept talking in the format "Like the (noun) of Lester, most worthless of teens." In the meanwhile, Leo made his way towards the bulldozer under the guise of an interpretive dance routine, looking like a hallucinating ballerina in boxer shorts.
• The intelligence (or lack thereof) of blemmyae:
  • Apollo telling an audience of them to imagine they are at Camp Half-Blood, then realising it was beyond them.
  • At one point in time, Apollo manages to convince one that a bomb with a five-second timer will take ten seconds to detonate underwater.
  • They actually fall for the "Look Behind You" trick!
    • Speaking of which, there's this part in the narration that discusses the trick:
      Apollo, narrating: You must forgive me. I know that this method of distraction is the oldest trick in the book. In fact, it is a trick so old that it predates papyrus scrolls and was first recorded on clay tablets in Mesopotamia.
• "My human brain just kept giving that annoying memory full message, asking me to delete a few centuries of experiences before I could continue.
• "All these people whose names ended in o — Jo, Leo, Calypso, Apollo — suddenly made me feel like my brand was being diluted. I thanked the gods we were not in Ohio and our dragon was not named Festo." Apollo will probably not enjoy meeting Khufu the baboon in The Kane Chronicles who only eats food with names ending with O.
• Leo (16 at the time of the series) is a bit peeved to learn that his borrowed overalls belonged to a seven-year-old girl — and they fit. Granted, the girl in question is later described as being big for her age, but still.
• Leo getting really into cheese-making.
  Leo: BEHOLD THE CHEDDAR! ALL HAIL THE CHEESE CONQUERORS!
• "All da cows love Leo."
• Apollo threatening to turn Leo into a constellation:
  Leo: (plunking a cheese wheel in front of Apollo) Cut me a wedge of this, my good man. Chop-chop!
  Apollo: Don't test me, Valdez. When I am a god again, I will make a constellation out of you. I will call it the Small Exploding Latino.
  Leo: I like it!
  Did no one fear the wrath of the gods any more?
• Any time the Arrow of Dodona is brought up in the narration, there tend to be archery-related puns.
  • Also, Apollo notes that he tends to speak in Elizabethan English for a while whenever he consults the arrow. Apparently, he was doing it once for hours sometime during their travels, and Leo and Calypso couldn't stop laughing.
  • Apollo arguing with the Arrow of Dodona… from the perspective of an outsider, who can't hear the Arrow talk.
  • When Apollo asks the Arrow how to get to the Cave of Trophonius, and the Arrow replies with a very specific estimate of the amount of time their journey will take, as well as noting some road construction on the way:
    Apollo: Are you somehow... checking Google Maps?
    (long pause)
    Arrow: OF COURSE NOT. FIE UPON YOU.
  • And then the arrow tells Apollo to ask again later how they will survive the cave, once they've arrived.
    Apollo: Meaning you need time to research the Cave of Trophonius on Wikipedia?
    Arrow: I SHALL SAY NO MORE TO YOU, BASE VILLAIN! THOU ART NOT WORTHY OF MY SAGE ADVICE!
• Apollo and Britomartis' conversations allude to all sorts of Amusing Injuries, one of them involving Apollo's crush on Rock Hudson:
  Leo: Rock Hudson. In a minefield.
  Britomartis: Apollo was so adorable, skipping through the daisies until he exploded.
• How former deities have no sense of money:
  Calypso: (pointing at a $15,000 meal price tag) Look at the prices.
  Apollo: I'm not good with modern currency, but isn't that a bit pricey for a meal?
  Calypso: I was going to ask the same thing. I know the S symbol with the line through it means American dollars, but the amount...?
  • This gets lampshaded:
    Apollo, narrating: I knew what Meg would say about our current predicament: You guys are dumb.
    • Want to get a kicker out of this scene? Apparently, there's blue-colored tater-tots. Maybe Sally worked there?
• Apollo thinking the "MEERKAT, REPTILE & SNAKE" sign reads like the name of the worst law firm ever.
• Calypso reciting a pancake recipe in ancient Phoenician, in a tone like she was releasing the worst daimons from Tartarus.
• "I wondered if Meg knew that Marcus and Vortigern had been beheaded for letting her escape. I decided not to mention it. If Meg was really curious, she could check their Facebook status updates."
• Commodus has a tendency to name everything he can after himself. This leads to his palace's bathrooms being labeled as Commodus Commodes.
  • This results in the haiku for Chapter 18 ending with "Hail, Toilet Caesar" and Leo referring to him as Emperor Toilet in Chapter 20.
• Apollo tries to break down a steel door using "oil of vitriol":
  Meg: What is that stuff?
  Apollo: Back in medieval times, we used oil of vitriol for its healing properties. No doubt that's why Commodus had some in his infirmary. Today we call it sulfuric acid.
  Meg: Isn't that dangerous?
  Apollo: Very.
  Meg: And you healed with it?
  Apollo: It was the Middle Ages. We were crazy back then.
• When mounting an elephant in Commodus's arena, Apollo recounts a very interesting story:
  "I hadn't practiced that technique since the storm god Indra took me on a late-night road trip in search of vindaloo, but I guess riding an elephant is one of those skills you never forget."
• Apollo has to drink from the springs of memory and forgetfulness. Despite the seriousness of the situation, the next chapter is full of Apollo having remembered all sorts of very specific things... and forgetting most of the most important things. It must be read to be believed.
  • He also reacts to everything, including Styx threatening to destroy him, himself drowning, and his imminent death via poisonous snakes with a distant cheerfulness that makes him come across as stoned.
  • Particularly cute is Apollo has a vision of his parents when he's high.
    Leto: Please, my lord! He is your son. He has learned his lesson!
    Zeus: Not yet. Oh, no. His real test is yet to come.
    Apollo, narrating: I laughed and waved. "Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!"
    Since I was underwater and most likely hallucinating, my words should not have been audible. Nevertheless, Zeus glanced over and scowled.
• After Peaches (1, 2, and 3) rescued Apollo and Meg from the Cave of Trophonius, they somehow teamed up to drive the pair back to Indianapolis, then when Apollo gets their attention they all peek over the top of the driver's seat, like See-No-Evil, Peel-No-Evil, and Eat-No-Evil.
• Some extremely Black Comedy when Apollo returns to the Waystation in the middle of the battle and finds Sssssarah the Drakaina has swallowed one of the Germani whole, something she denies despite the very clear human-sized bulging in her stomach and the clear shape of a Germanus's helmet in her throat.
• Apollo complaining about having to do chores in the Waystation.
  • And yes, it doesn't matter if he just saved the place. He still has to peel carrots.
    Apollo, narrating: May the Fates consign all root vegetables to the depths of Tartarus. That is all I will say on the matter.
  • Also, there's this line:
    Calypso picked the shredded carrots out of her salad, which I took as a personal insult.
• Apollo and Meg are told that they must face unkillable monsters to reach their goal. It turns out that the monsters are not allowed to be killed, because they're an endangered species.
  • The monsters in question are called Yales. Meg at one point refers to them as "Harvards".
• This quote when Jo tries to get Apollo to wear an anklet.
  Apollo: Don't ask me to wear flying apparel. Hermes tricked me into wearing his shoes once. I took a nap in a hammock in Athens and woke up in Argentina. Never again.
• This reflection on Emperor Commodus' death:
  Apollo: Commodus blames me for his death.
  Meg: Why?
  Apollo: Probably because I killed him.
  Leo: Ah. That would do it.
• Apollo ignores the first rule of Percy Jackson:
  Apollo: That was much too easy.
  Meg: Hey. Remember what Percy told us? Never say stuff like "We made it" or "That was easy". You'll jinx us!
  Apollo: My entire existence is a jinx.
• Apollo and Meg convince the police they're siblings just by acting like siblings:
  Policeman: This is a junior driver's license from New York, kid. What are you doing driving a car like this? Where are your parents, and where're you taking this little girl?
  Apollo, narrating: I was tempted to explain that I was a four-thousand-year-old deity with plenty of experience driving the sun, my parents were in the celestial realm, and the little girl was my demigod master.
  Apollo: She is my—
  Meg: Little sister. He's taking me to piano lessons.
  Apollo: Uh, yes.
  Meg: And we're late! Because my brother is stooo-pid.
• As always, Apollo's narration is hilarious:
  • Apollo meeting Agamethus:
    Not being born a mortal, I had no particular fear of the dead. You've seen one tormented soul, you've seen them all.
  • Or this:
    Being productive. Ugh.
    It's such a human concept. It implies you have limited time (LOL) and have to work hard to make something happen (double LOL).
  • His comments on Indiana:
    I won't die here, I promised myself. I'm much too important to bite it in Indiana.
  • More on Indiana:
    At the ceremony, he plans to rechristen Indianapolis.
    That in itself did not strike me as a tragedy. Indianapolis was a rather difficult name to love.
  • Apollo's comment on Hercules when Calypso doesn't know who Commodus is.
    I doubted she would recognize the names of many people who hadn't washed up on her shores. She barely knew who Hercules was. I found that refreshing. Hercules was such an attention hog.
  • Apollo at the zoo:
    A banner out front read WILDLY CUTE! For a moment I thought perhaps the zoo staff had heard I was coming and decided to welcome me. Then I realized the banner was just an advertisement for koala bears. As if koalas needed advertising.
  • Apollo meets an orangutan at the zoo:
    Judging from the great ape's expression, he was not terribly delighted to see me. Alas, among the great apes, only humans are capable of proper awe for the gods. On the plus side for orangutans, they have amazing orange fur that no human could possibly rival.
  • Apollo's relationship with George and Martha:
    I could barely tolerate the snakes on Hermes's caduceus, George and Martha. They were friendly enough, but they constantly pestered me to write a song for them about the joy of eating rats—a joy I did not share.
  • Apollo reflecting on Meg's ability to find things made out of wood:
    I wondered if she could find me a magical dining table once I got back to Olympus. I really needed one with foldout leaves for accommodating the Nine Muses at Thanksgiving.
  • Apollo on Saint Patrick:
    Nice guy, by the way; terrible singing voice. The legends don't normally mention that he drove the snakes out of Ireland with his hideous version of "Te Deum".

The Burning Maze

• When Apollo asks the Arrow of Dodona about about a solution to fend off strixes:
  I MUST SPEAK TO THEE ABOUT—HOLD THE PHONE. STRIXES? WHEREFORE TALKEST TO ME OF THOSE?
  "Because they are about to killeth—kill us."
  FIE! groaned the arrow. THOU SHOUDLST AVOID SUCH DANGERS!
  "I would have never thought of that." I said. "Do we have any strix-pertinent information or not, O Wise Projectile?"
  The arrow buzzed, no doubt trying to access Wikipedia. It denies using the Internet. Perhaps then, it's just a coincidence the arrow is always more helpful when we are in an area with free Wi-Fi.
• Apollo is rather uncomfortable with the idea of a god giving control of their realm to mortals.
  I once went on vacation and entrusted the realm of music to my mortal follower Nelson Riddle. I came back a few decades later and found pop music infected with sappy violins and backup singers, and Lawrence Welk was playing accordion on prime-time television. Never. Again.
• While the context of the scene is saddening, Apollo still can't the resist the urge to snark in the aftermath of Money Maker's funeral. Thanks, Apollo, for making what should be a heartbreaking scene funny.
  Money Maker, I was told, had been planted on the hillside with full dryad honors. Hopefully, she would be reincarnated as a beautiful new succulent, or perhaps a white-tailed antelope squirrel. Money Maker had always loved those.
  Once we had all gathered—condolences exchanged, enchiladas eaten, aloe slimed—I began the meeting.
• While preparing to enter the Labyrinth, our heroes have this exchange:
  Piper: Okay, just so we're clear, I'll show you where Jason and I entered the maze, but I'm not doing the stereotypical Native American tracker thing. I don't know tracking. I'm not your guide.
  (Everyone agrees)
  Piper: Also, if any of you find the need for spiritual guidance on this quest, I am not here to provide that service. I'm not going to dispense bits of ancient Cherokee wisdom.
  Apollo: Very well. Though as a former prophecy god, I enjoy bits of spiritual wisdom.
  Piper: Then you'll have to ask the satyr.
  Grover Um, recycling is good karma?
  (They enter an elevator that reminds Apollo of a similar one leading to the Underworld)
  Apollo: Are you sure this thing goes to the Burning Maze? Because I didn't bring any rawhide chews for Cerberus.
  Grover: You just had to mention Cerberus. That's bad karma.
• Apollo finally figures out that the Graces being children of Zeus means that he was flirting with his own sister.
  Then again, neither of them [Jason and Thalia] looked anything like me, and as the son of Zeus, I was technically their brother. And I had flirted with Thalia, which... Eww. Curse you, Father, for having so many children! It made dating a true minefield over the millennia.
• After Jason overdid it with a lightning bolt, when they were captured on Caligula's yacht-chain. Apollo convinces a young Pandos named Crest that he wasn't a fighter and to just surrender, when Crest denies this, Apollo points out he's holding his sword backwards.
• Piper's way of getting past mercenaries and cyclopes on Boat 31? Sing "Life of Illusion" with Apollo backing her up on his ukulele.
• While infiltrating the Big Bad's yacht-chain, Apollo and Piper subdue some pandai guards by Apollo hitting them with a loud tritone chord on his ukulele while Piper ties them up. Then Apollo threatens to play "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" if they don't tell them where to find Caligula's old shoes.
  "Deck two, port side, third door! Please, no Tiny Tim! No Tiny Tim!"
• Apollo has done what he has feared and hoped he would do — accidentally shooting a monster with the Arrow of Dodona.
• Apollo recalls the time Hephaestus made him a voice-activated virtual assistant called Alexasiriastrophona that was very particular about getting her name pronounced properly and kept getting his requests wrong.
  I'd say Alexasiriastrophona, send a plague arrow to destroy Corinth, please. And she'd reply I think you said: Men blame rows of soy and corn fleas.
• Solving the riddles in the maze, one clue about the last king of Rome had two possible answers, one in Latin and one in English. Apollo picks the English, as the Arrow said the answers would be in English and the layout of the room with five corridors made the English answer the middle finger.
  Apollo: I love you too, maze.
• This very unsubtle Narrative Profanity Filter when Medea curses Apollo after she falls from her dragons.
  She cursed in ancient Colchian, calling into question my mother's past romantic relationships.

The Tyrant's Tomb

• The exchange between Reyna and Lavinia about bubble gum during the first senate meeting.
• Apparently, Camp Jupiter has Fortnite. Or as Apollo calls it, Fortiusnitius. Then again, it is a game about combat and construction, which were Rome's bread and butter…
• Apollo is absolutely exhausted after a long day of teaching archery, and wonders if mortal teachers feel this way every day. He hopes that they're well rewarded with gold, precious gems, and rare spices. Given that Riordan used to be a schoolteacher, there's no way that this isn't a Take That! against the low wages that teachers are actually paid.
• Before Apollo, Reyna, and Meg leave to find the Silent God, Reyna assures Frank that she'll be fine since her Praetor's cape can deflect most weapons. Frank asks if his cape can do that but Reyna doesn't answer, leaving Frank to call after them as they drive away.
  • Later on, we find out that yes, his cape does deflect weapons.
• After crashing a car into a parking lot, Apollo tries to reassure a concerned mortal woman that he is a doctor. The woman understandably thinks that this teenage boy is asking if she is a doctor.
• After painstakingly gathering the final ingredients to perform the summoning ritual, Apollo finally gets to perform the ritual. Unfortunately for him, the relevant chant is tattooed on Tyson's armpit. Then he proceeds to butcher the first line.
  Apollo, narrating: "O protector of Rome!" I read aloud. "O insert name here!"
• In the final stages of Apollo's ghoul infection, the Arrow of Dodona begs him to hang on until help arrives, and suggests that he start singing to distract himself. Apollo promptly begins to belt out the lyrics to "Sweet Caroline", forcing the reluctant arrow to start singing along with him. Apollo himself notes the absurdity of what could be his final moments:
  Apollo, narrating: This was how I would die: sitting on the floor of a bookstore, turning into a zombie while holding a talking arrow and singing Neil Diamond's greatest hit. Even the Fates cannot foresee all the wonders the universe has in store for us.
  • What's even better is that the Arrow asking him to hang on might be heartwarming... if it weren't for the fact that it's still speaking in flowery Shakespearean English.
• Chapter 39 begins with a disclaimer that Captain Underpants isn't appearing because of copyright issues. Given that it begins with Tarquin snapping his fingers, one gets an amusing mental image of the caped crusader actually showing up and joining the fight.
  • At the end of the chapter we find exactly what the haiku was referring to, as Frank, after surviving the explosion, is reduced to wearing just his underwear and cape.

The Tower of Nero

• The ride with the Gray Sisters, especially their blatantly obvious desire to tell Apollo the next part of the prophecy while pretending they would never do so except under extreme duress.
  Wasp: Very important words! But you'll never hear them!
  Apollo: Okay.
  Tempest: You can't make us! Even though your fate depends on it!
  Apollo: Not buying it.
  Wasp: Not selling! Too important, these lines! We would only tell you if you threatened us with terrible things!
  Apollo: I will not resort to threatening you–
  Tempest: He's threatening us! (smacks their eye out of Wasp's socket, who very deliberately "fumbles" it into Apollo's lap; Apollo screams) He's stolen our eye! We can't see!
  Apollo: I have not! It's disgusting!
  Meg: THIS. IS. SO. COOL!
  Apollo: Get it off!
  Anger: He will crush our eye if we don't recite our verses!
  Apollo: I will not!
  Wasp: We will all die! He is crazy!
  Apollo: I AM NOT!
  Tempest: Fine, you win!
  • Once their prophecy is given, they demand their eye back before they crash, and Apollo desperately asks Meg for some Kleenex to pick it up with. She calls him a wimp and picks it up bare-handed.
• Apollo recounts how once, the Gray Sisters had a huge crush on Ganymede, at which point Apollo created a meme depicting a honey bear bottle with the caption, "Honey he gay". Even better, this is a meme a Rick Riordan parody Twitter account^note (camphaflblood, while the real account was camphalfblood, currently used by Becky Riordan) previously used, with a joke post about a fangirl asking Riordan to name "Nico's girlfriend" after her. Also, while Apollo had already described how gods have their own social media, the idea of three withered hags using "Instagod" is hilarious.
• Apollo describing Dionysus from his perspective: an annoying little brother who follows him around imitating him for attention.
  You know the type. You're a god. Your little brother pesters Dad to make him a god, too, even though being a god is supposed to be your thing. You have a nice chariot pulled by fiery horses. Your little brother insists on getting his own chariot pulled by leopards. You lay waste to the Greek armies at Troy. Your little brother decides to invade India. Pretty typical stuff.
• Will receiving a Full-Name Ultimatum from his boyfriend.
  "William Andrew Solace," Nico said, "do you have something to confess?"

• According to Dionysus, the reason Chiron isn't at camp is that he had to meet with a cat and a severed head.
• The evil cows sent after the heroes are this and Nightmare Fuel. On the comedy side, they apparently showed up outside Rachel Dare's house a few days before the heroes did.
• Before figuring out that they're Nero's doing, Rachel suspects the cows have something to do with the strange mansion across the river from her that not even demigods can see, noting that she once saw a penguin on the balcony.
• When Rachel reveals that she managed, with great difficulty, to acquire the blueprints for Nero's tower, Will remarks that many Bothans must have died to bring them this information.
  Rachel: What?
  Nico: (sighs) I'm guessing that was a Star Wars reference. My boyfriend is a Star Wars geek of the worst kind.
  Will: Okay, Signor Myth-o-magic. If you would just watch the original trilogy... (looks around at everyone else's blank expressions) Nobody? Oh, my gods. You people are hopeless.
• During Apollo's attempt to control his dreams, Python attempts to pull him to his cave in order to insult him but Apollo just tells him he doesn't have time for him and straight up leaves, leaving Python completely incredulous.
• Apollo initially believing that troglodytes are a myth. Himself being a Greek god. Nico lampshades this:
  Nico: A god is telling a demigod that something is a myth?
• The aforementioned Troglodytes, who hate the evil cows with a passion, and wear hats with just as much passion.
• The Troglodytes give Nico, Will, Rachel, Meg, and Apollo hats. Apparently they aren't fond of the New York Mets because the only reason Apollo is wearing a Mets cap is that nobody wanted it.
  • Speaking of hats, Will Solace. Lampshade.
• Apollo not wanting to swear in front of Meg, before admitting Meg had taught him that particular swear in the first place.
  • Later Nero is described as uttering a curse word, "perhaps one that Meg had taught him".
• The various failed remotes in Nero's throne room which:
  • Shut the windows.
  • Turn on both Fox News and MSNBC simultaneously (something that Apollo notes should cause an anti-matter explosion).
    • This remote also displays a golf tournament.
  • Play a disco-ball version of "Stayin' Alive" by the The Bee Gees.
• Apollo accidentally entering the wrong room and then proceeding to sing, "STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!"
• Austin playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" on his sax and thus causing a stampede.
  • The fact that any Apollo child playing the song would cause a stampede.
• Nico showing up in Nero's throne room, controlling a dead Taurus Sylvestris and wearing a white cowboy hat.
• The Heartwarming moment when Apollo returns to the Grove of Dodona to give thanks and eulogy for his companion the Arrow of Dodona becomes this when you realize the entire sequence is also a Stealth Insult to the grove for treating that one spirit as The Un-Favorite. The collective Wait, What? of the grove spirits when they realize the Arrow was actually helpful enough to be worthy of praise is so funny it's awesome.
• Reyna apparently overheard Leo flirting with Calypso and has taken it upon herself to be his big sister. Crosses over with Heartwarming.
• At the end of the book, Frank dramatically spins his cape around as if to turn into a vampire bat (being a shapeshifter, he could) but instead:
  Instead the cloak simply turned into an oversized sweater wrap.
• Instead of featuring reviews for previous books in the series on its back cover, Tower of Nero has "advanced commentary" from various gods. Some are more serious than others.
  "Apollo's still in trouble? *Sigh* How often does a sister have to step in to help?"
  — Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt
  "I just hope Percy stays out of the storm this time. The dude deserves a break."
  — Poseidon, God of the Sea
  "Send in a real hero, like the di Angelo kid."
  — Hades, God of the Underworld
  "What'd I miss?"
  — Dionysus, God of Wine

Companion Books

• Camp Half-Blood Confidential:
  • The book has one of the funniest moments in any of the series: in the introduction, when Nico, of all people, sings a corny-as-hell song from the orientation film, only to realize he's the only person in the entire camp to have seen that orientation film.
    • Doubly funny if your first experience of the book's intro is in audiobook format.
  • Other included parts from the original orientation film involve Apollo's goofy musical numbers, as well as one that gives Nico's comment of "the wine dude" from The Titan's Curse some context.

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