Funny / The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien

• The foreign news report describing the whole mess.
• Robin Williams singing an Irish jig that told NBC to go fuck themselves many times over, and Conan jumping up to dance along to it.
• January 20, 2010: Bugatti Veyron Mouse!
• "Before Photoshop", but particularly when Conan showed a photo of Larry King at his desk, and the audience laughed. Conan found it amusing that they were laughing at an untouched photo and not the punchline.
• Pretty much every moment when Triumph visited the L.A. dog hotel:
  Triumph: Here at the "D Pet Hotel", where the "d", of course, stands for "dog-owning douchebags", lavishing their tiny-brained companions with exquisite memories to be cherished for 30 to 45 seconds, according to most experts. Not since the bank bailout has money been more wisely spent, proving that the "idle rich" are not idle at all. They are busy, 24-7, looking for new ways to piss away their money.
  • A dog pukes on the floor (likely out of nervousness), and Triumph offers to clean it up by eating it.
  • The rich woman with a French accent who brought in her dog.
    Triumph: I'm just letting the audience get a good look at you so they can hate you.
  • Triumph, on a rich dog:
    Triumph: She likes to be hand fed... and hand pooped. Her poop must not touch the floor! Her poop is like the American flag!
  • Triumph comes across a dog who looks like him, and proclaims it to be his long-lost mother.
    Triumph: I'm sorry, mother! I'm sorry I disappointed you!
  • The dog on the treadmill, who quickly is freaked out by it.
    Triumph: Look at him love it!
  • Portraits of various dogs are on the wall, and of course Triumph comments on them. He calls it the "Gallery of Shame".
    Triumph: You've got a lot of portraits up here of various dogs that all look moderately embarrassed.
    Woman employee: Aw, he's cute.
    Triumph: No, he's re-thinking his whole life.
  • Triumph wants clarification if the Taco Bell dog ever was a regular at the hotel. He heard he took amyl nitrate and had a St. Bernard choke him.
    Triumph: By the way, do you still provide that service?
    Woman employee: No.
    Man employee: Not anymore.
  • Triumph comes across an "uber suite" with one female dog in it, and wants to put the moves on her by showing a variety of Parallel Porn Titles of famous Hollywood movies (see main entry).

• During the final week, Conan showed a classic Tonight Show moment each night. On the first three nights, the opening montage contained the clip of Conan sliding and hitting his head on the studio floor. Conan eventually called them out on it: "STOP showing my concussion! CUT IT OUT! My wife hates that! "You almost died!""
• Early on, Conan visited various shops near the studio. One of them was a place called "FastSigns", where he got a banner made to advertise the show. It had two tigers on it, and the text "Every night is ladies' night" and "Free salad with every purchase". Andy exclaimed, "We're gonna have to start making salads!"
• One of the first, if not the first, "Andy'll Try It" skit had Andy trying bacon vodka. His verdict: "Oh God, it's awful." Then Andy continued drinking it anyway.
• When Conan interviewed Kevin Nealon, Kevin mentioned how he had food poisoning recently, and wishes that your body would tell you what it was that made you sick as you're throwing up. He demonstrated: "CURRY CHICKEN! (mimes barfing)" Conan observed that sounded like Jimmy Stewart:
  Conan: "Curry chicken, Mr. Potter!"
• On the 8/28 episode, Conan paid tribute to KNBC reporter Doug Kriegel:
  Announcer: Now, a report from NBC's Emmy-award winning journalist Doug Kriegel.
  (cut to Doug at a park picnic)
  Doug: What do you think of that pizza?
  Teenage boy: It's really awesome pizza.
  Doug: ...That's good.
  Announcer: That was a report from NBC's Emmy-award winning journalist Doug Kriegel.
• In one "In the Year 3000", the start was a little different than usual:
  Conan: I think it's time we looked... into the future.
  (audience cheers)
  Andy: (incredulously) The future, Conan?!
  Conan: (amused) ...That's right, Andy. We rehearsed this!
  • In the same sketch, when the futuristic robes lowered from the ceiling onto Conan, Andy, and La Bamba's heads, La Bamba accidentally leaned the wrong way (likely from looking at the monitors and getting confused) and it bumped him on the head, causing Conan to burst out laughing. Then when La Bamba went to sing "In the year 3000...", he briefly lost his composure.
• When Nick Cannon was a guest, he offered licorice to Conan and previous guest Bill Maher. Maher turned him down, saying "Licorice is shit." But he added a kind word: "But you look good eating it!"
• Conan's month-long feud with Newark mayor Cory Booker. It started after Conan made a joke at Newark's expense: "The mayor of Newark, N.J., wants to set up a citywide program to improve residents' health. The health-care program consists of a bus ticket out of Newark." This prompted a video response from Cory, who put Conan on the "No fly list" in retaliation ("Try JFK, buddy."). After continuing to joke about Newark and banning Cory from Burbank airport, Cory upped the ante:
  Cory: I banned Conan O'Brien from Newart airport, and last night, he had the audacity to ban me from Burbank airport? Well Conan, it's on. You see, I'm mayor of New Jersey's largest city, but I'm not the only city. New Jersey had 566 municipalities. And I've been getting calls and e-mails, faxes from mayors all over the state. You see, we in New Jersey roll hard, we roll strong, and we roll together. And I'm now here to officially tell you, that you have been banned from the entire state of New Jersey. Now, you may like Boardwalk and Park Place, but the only way you're gonna get to them is on a Monopoly board, because you're banned from Atlantic City. And Ellis Island, the gate of entry for millions of Americans and their families, but I'm telling you right now: No longer. Coco can't go-go. But it doesn't stop there, Conan. You see, Newark has sister cities all over the world, and I've been in touch with each one of our sister cities. And you are officially banned from them as well. So, my red-headed friend, as far as Ghana, you and your posse will not being go Kumasi. And your ancestors may be from Ireland, but the entire city of Bray is telling you to stay in L.A. (...) If you want to settle this with a feat of strength, not your usual caustic comic critique, if you want to test it with fortitude, I'm willing to race you just like Teri Hatcher did, and just in case you slip and fall and bump your head, I've actually got you a New York Giants helmet. And by the way, this is as close as you'll get to seeing a Giants game, because they too, play in New Jersey.
  • Conan announced he had Newark surrounded by forming alliances with other New Jersey cities like East Orange, Kearny, Jersey City, Bayonne, and Elizabeth, forming the shape of a toilet seat.
• Conan had Aaron Eckhart on, and the two discussed Aaron's new film Love Happens. When starting this sentence, he's facing the audience: "She [Jennifer Aniston] was wonderful to work with, beautiful, and a wonderful actress as well. And a good... (looks back at Conan) kisser." Conan ran with it: "Why did you look at me when you said that? Get it out of your head, man! Yoo-hoo! (...) It's just, you said the whole- most of the sentence going that way, and then went (faces Aaron) KISSER!" The duo then turned their backs to each other while continuing the interview as normal.
  Conan: This is like a weird Swedish talk show. "YOU SHOW CLIP NOW!"
• This video during the 7/14/09 episode, when Conan noted that Barack Obama's critics were jumping all over minor things:
  Narrator: He can't pronounce the name of a town in Alabama. (clip of said moment is shown) His teleprompter fell down during a speech. (clip) He tripped! (clip) Looks like he's giving somebody a run for their money. (a photo of Obama morphs into George W. Bush) Barack Obama just might be the WORST. PRESIDENT. EVER.
  • Also funny is the pre-video material, where Conan and Andy made fun of the scripted line that he read: "Since his inauguration, let's face it, most people would agree that President Obama has been one smooth cookie."
• The "New Oprah" segments, where Conan would plug a So Bad, It's Good product ^{Such as...} Leprechaun 4: In Space, Killdozer!, Steven Seagal's Songs from the Crystal Cave, Troll 2, Cool as Ice, etc. that he wanted the audience to buy. However, an exception occurred when he showed a clip from "Kathie Lee's Rock n' Tots Cafe: A Christmas 'Giff'": He immediately rescinded his endorsement.
• The 1/4/10 episode had Conan discussing New Year's resolutions. La Bamba gave his resolution:
  La Bamba: I resolve in 2010 to be a better actor, and to delivery my lines in a compelling and... persuasive manner. And thus, finally yearn- (winces and tries again) finally earn everyone's respect as a performer.
  (superimposed over La Bamba: "RESOLUTION BROKEN")
  Conan: (amused) You practiced that all day!... What happened?
  • In the next segment, "In the Year 3000", La Bamba forgot to take off his hat to allow the robe lowering from the ceiling over his head. It almost hit him, but he ducked out of the way at the last minute.
  Conan: You're... you're fired. What the hell?!
• On the 7/10/09 episode, Conan visited the props department and found a monkey statue that pointed accusingly.
  Conan: (as monkey) "You! Who do you think you are?! You little freak!"
• Any of the Manipulative Editing cutaways, such as this one where Barack Obama was interviewed:
  Narrator: For the president, that woman's nation starts at home.
  Interviewer: You go home, and you're basically outnumbered, right?
  Obama: Right.
  Interviewer: It's a women-
  Obama: I'm surrounded.
  Interviewer: It's women everywhere.
  Obama: It's me and Bo. And, I think this is bunk. Women are still a little obtuse and need to knocked across the head every once in a while, in terms of making sure that everybody is, is, uh, is treated, uh, fairly, as opposed to me. The MEN have a strategy formulated, and girls need to shop for clothes. Period.
• The Celebrity Survey from 1/6/10:
  Conan: When I watch MTV's Jersey Shore, I think... Tom Hanks said "It's somewhat entertaining.", Ben Stiller wrote "It's a guilty pleasure." The ghost of Christopher Columbus said, "I should've turned back."
• Conan's one-liner about YouTube, Twitter and Facebook merging together to form the company YouTwitFace.
• In what is perhaps the only instance on the show, when Conan announced that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were two of the guests on the show, the audience booed.
  Conan: Please. Please give them a chance.
  • Then when he brought them out later:
  Conan: Let's have a gracious welcome... for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.
• The first time Nigel Marven came on the show. So many highlights:
  • Nigel came out with a fresh cut on his neck from the lizard he was introducing. Andy pointed it out, but Nigel insisted it was no big deal and carried on like it was nothing. Conan made his injury a Running Gag for the rest of the segment.
  Conan: Let's move on while you still have enough oxygenated blood in your head.
  • Nigel brought a snake a little too close to Conan's face ("Whoa whoa, okay- WHOA!!!").
  • Nigel teased a two-headed snake ("What are you DOING?! You're, like, into this! This is your sick fantasy, I think!").
  • The way Nigel brought out the next animal was low rent, which Conan called out:
  Conan: It's not encouraging that you're bringing these out in a sack. There are professional containers, you look like you've got coins for your laundry.
  • The snake from said bag defecated, which Nigel pointed out: "That's a giant poo there."
• The saga of wax Tom Cruise and wax Fonz. Conan came across them in a remote where he visited a wax museum and decided to buy them for use on the show. They popped up here and there for a few weeks (such as a hilarious bit where Fonz was propped at a urinal and Cruise was peering at him from behind the bathroom stall) and ultimately met their "end" in a sketch where Conan shot both of them out of cannons on the backlot. Cruise got off easy- he basically broke in half; but Fonz had it worse: His face shattered upon hitting the pavement.
  • Similarly, a later bit had a wax replica of Conan. Even better, William Shatner "mistook" the wax Conan for the real one backstage, joking about it at the start of his interview.
  William: ...Which didn't seem that much different from the... no, I'm only joking.
  Conan: (mock miffed) Well we're outta time.
• When Conan showed a clip of the Chipettes performing from Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel:
  Conan: I'm attracted to a chipmunk now. Those moves were pretty good.
  Christina Applegate: I know, they've got some booty action goin' on there.
  Conan: Let's not talk about it too much.
• One of the "Andy'll Try It" skits had Tofurkey and Gravy Soda - in a rare instance, Andy refused to try it and instead debuted a new segment: "Just Shut Up and Drink It" starring La Bamba. Conan insisted on La Bamba drinking a big glass of the stuff- after only a couple seconds, La Bamba spit out the drink, prompting Conan to profusely apologize for putting him in that position.
  Conan: Do you want to go home, La Bamba?
  La Bamba: Agh... nah.
  Andy: Just give him some mashed potatoes, he'll be all set.
  Conan: Oh, La Bamba, it says right here: "May cause death."

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