Funny / The Thief and the Cobbler

• After going through all sorts of abuse by two old ladies, a polo game, being nearly drowned and being attacked by a bed THAT TURNS INTO A CIRCLE OF WOLVES JUST BECAUSE HE WAS THERE, the Thief breezes through a collapsing war machine like a walk in the park. And the instant he manages to escape without a scratch, carrying away his precious treasure, Tack jumps him and steals the golden balls. The Thief advances on him like a man possessed, almost forcing Tack to jump to his death... until he finally shrugs, waves him off dismissively, and trudges away back into the smoke.
• The Chernabog impression when the Thief tries to steal the giant ruby.
• Right at the beginning of the movie, the thief tries to steal some bananas from an old lady who reaches her GIANT MAN HANDS through her tunic and beats the ever-loving crap out of him. Even better during the initial encounter with the Brigands... whom she beats the everloving SHIT out of one by one.
• "OPEN FOR THE ROYAL POLO PONIES!" The singers in the background just make that small moment hilarious.
• After his long struggle up the pipes, the Thief pulls on a cord that turns out to flush them, giving a Pink Panther-esque glance at the camera as he's pulled all the way back down.
• The Thief getting whacked around during the polo game. Every time.
• The Thief picking his own pocket.
• Combined with Awesome, the fact that a single tack succeeds in destroying the entire One-Eye war machine. Every single one of the One-Eyes is wiped out in a Rube-Goldbergesque chain reaction.
• Right as Zigzag is trying to feed Tack to Phido, the king's messengers call him. Zigzag's frustrated response of "Ohhhh ffffffffFIDO!" makes it feel like he was about to say something else entirely.
• A way to redeem the Miramax version of the film is to pretend the bulk of the Thief's monologue isn't actually telling the story but mocking it. It makes it a lot more amusing.
• Quite a bit of the Thief's snark in the Miramax version, courtesy of Jonathan Winters, is actually really funny:
  • First lines: "Good morning, Arabia! I've had my coffee, read the paper, now it's time to get to work."
  • When he sneaks into the cobbler's shop in the beginning and when he sees all the mess: "What a dump! Nobody lives like this except college kids!"
  • When he's clambering up the filthy interior of a waste pipe leading into the moat: "Ma?! What are you doing here?!"
  • When he falls into the moat: "I can't help but question the color of this water. I'm gonna stink for days. And I just had this robe dry-cleaned!"
  • When he sneaks into the Princess's bathroom: "Hey, look! Ha-ha! Soap! So that's what it looks like! I've heard of it in storybooks and songs!"
  • And then immediately afterwards, when he spots Princess YumYum in her bath: "What's that? ...Oh, a naked lady." Said in a really disappointed tone.
  • Only to snap back a few seconds later: "But wait, a golden backscratcher!"
  • When he's chased through the palace by Tack, he notes the extremely stylized checkered backgrounds: "Man, who decorated this place?"
  • As he steals the three golden balls: "You're gonna buy me a castle by the sea! And you're gonna buy me everything I need to turn the basement into a rec room! And with you — I tell you, sweetheart — I'm going to Disneyland!"
  • While climbing up the mountain made out of stone hands: "I'd be dead if this mountain started to applaud!"
  • On a giant crossbow that's about to be fired during the War Machine sequence: "No guys, come on, I'm not tall enough to ride this ride yet! I get dizzy spells, honest! A-A-A-A-And I'm pregnant!"
  • Chasing one of the golden balls: "If I find out that's just gold paint...!"
  • And when he steals the "THE END" letters: "I'll just hold onto these little goodies until the reviews come out!"
  • The Thief stealing the film reel at the end. And an Aside Glance before he runs off. The Miramax dub adds a final thought to his inner monologue. "These flies are driving me crazy!"
  • When he keeps smacking into warning signs: "They should have a sign: 'Beware of Signs.'"
• Yum Yum smelling the Thief in the bathroom, helped by the actress's unusually snarky delivery. "Maybe the pipes are backed up. Maybe something died."
• Eric Bogosian's vocal delivery of Phido in the Miramax cut is filled with witty one-liners.
• ZigZag's response to being eaten alive by the alligators. Apparently it's only mildly painful at best, and extremely annoying at worst, as he's completely calm as he complains (and even still speaks in rhyme). The only thing that really seems to bother him is Phido joining in on the feast, and even then, his response to Phido's betrayal is more fitting of a father who had a god-awful day at work and went home to discover that his son got in trouble for punching another student in the face- he's not even able to be angry anymore, just exhausted and miserable.

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