Funny / The Simpsons Season 13

The Simpsons Funny Moments Index
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Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

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270 - "Treehouse of Horror XII"

A - Hex and the City

• After Homer's curse leads to Lenny and Carl being crushed to death by a helicopter, he turns to Moe and sees that while he wasn't looking, the latter is somehow now dead and stuffed in the pickled egg jar. Bewildered, Homer asks when did that happen.
• While Homer and Bart trying to catch a Leprechaun to make the Gypsy reverse the curse on his family, he tried to use Lucky Charms cereal as bait to catch one.
  Homer: He he he! We'll catch ourselves a Leprechaun using these Lucky Charms as bait.
  [Homer pours cereal into hole as a bunch of rabbits jump into the hole Homer and Bart were digging]
  Homer: [after realizing he was pouring Trix into the hole instead of Lucky Charms] D'OH!
  [Homer takes a box of Lucky Charms and pours into the hole, while taking a swig for himself, and pouring the rest of the box into the hole]

B - House of Whacks

• When the house sprays lilac mist in the air, Marge's reaction:
  Marge: That really covers the cat crap!
• The house pretending to be Chief Wiggum when Marge dials the police: "This is Constable Wiggums. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath."
• Homer attacking what he thinks is the autohouse's CPU with an axe.
  Lisa: Dad, that's the water softener!
  Homer: Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you can cut me some slack.
• Followed up by Homer removing the CPU's circuitry:
  Ultrahouse CPU: Don't take out my "British Charm" unit! Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod!
  [Homer just happens to pull it out next]
  Ultrahouse CPU: Eaaah...thanks a lot, ass-wipe! I could'a kicked your butt [its voice slows down from losing power] from here to Albuquerque, ya fat... slime... [it ekes one final word] bucket.
• The ending with the A.I. being tortured by Patty and Selma's boring conversation and trying to commit suicide.

C - Wiz Kids

• Lisa performing a spell on the clock.
  Marge: That's not good for the clock.
• Bart tries to turn his frog into a prince by saying "Abraca...turn into a prince guy?" The result is a malformed frog/human hybrid who keeps vomiting and begging to be put out of his misery.
  Mrs. Krabappel: Lisa's casting spells at an eighth grade level. You've sinned against nature.
• Ralph's reaction to being drained of his intelligence by Lord Montymort. "Ha-ha! Dying tickles!"

271 - "The Parent Rap"

• Bart sneaking into Wiggum's cruiser and using the loudspeaker to get Flanders to drop his pants and dance.
• Homer accidentally running over Moleman (after promising he wouldn't break the law for a year) and when Marge asks what's going on he says it's just the radio and drives off and Moleman is seen nonchalantly getting up and walking away.
• Homer being robbed by Moe:
  Homer: These pants cost six hundred dollars!
  Moe: Really?
  Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
  Moe: Alright. (pulls out shotgun) Hand em over!
  Homer: Moe, what the?
  Moe: Yeah, I rob now.
• Homer and Marge's prank of hanging a banner on Constance's houseboat. The first two letters are visible as "BI" and Homer says how he hates to call a judge dirty names, but there's only one way to describe this one. The complete banner is revealed to say "BIG MEANIE".
• When Constance sentences Homer and Marge to wear stocks.
  Marge: She's such a butthole!
  

272 - "Homer the Moe"

• The song Homer, Barney, Lenny and Carl sing in Homer's garage after Moe's becomes 'M' (to the tune of "I Love Rock 'n' Roll" by The Arrows.)
  I won't drink at Moe's.
  Homer's old garage is all I need!
  I won't drink at Moe's.
  (Homer solo) 'Cause Moe's a big jerk, and a she-male, too!
• Homer gets R.E.M. to play for his bar, and we watch them try to sing along to "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)":
  Homer: Leonardo what's-his-name, Herman Munster, motorcade, Birthday party, Cheetos, pogo sticks and lemonade. You symbiotic, stupid jerk, stir-fried Flanders, I am talking about you!
• Homer throwing himself out of M - he grabs himself by the collar, pulls himself to the door and throws himself to the ground. He then calls out, "I believe I had a hat!" Someone throws a hat to him, which he assuredly didn't have before. "Sucker!"
• Moe and his former professor talk beside a lake:
  Professor: I'm dying Moe.
  Moe: (slowly nods) Er...is there anything I can do?
  Professor: No...unless you have a cure for cancer. (hopeful) Do you have a cure for cancer? Cause that would be great!
  Moe: I'm sorry Professor
  Professor: Goodbye Moe.
  Moe: Bye Professor
  Professor: (deep sigh as he suicides by walking into the lake)
  Moe: Hey don't you want to take your shoes off before you go swimming? Professor? Pr...(sudden realisation) Oh. Oh...um...hmmmm....(walks away)
• After Homer accidentally shoots Moe:
  Homer: Oh no! This time I really am going to faint (falls backwards resulting in his head getting caught in a bear-trap) Son-of-a!

273 - "A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love"

• Mr. Burns mistaking a strip club for a "nude fire station" and Smithers' reaction as he was cornered by strippers.
• Mr. Burns saying he does all the "hip" stuff, like "piloting motorcoaches" and "collecting dog waste."
• Gloria and Mr. Burns going dancing at a disco.
  Mr. Burns: [out of breath] I wish...that...song was...longer. [opens his coat and breathes from an oxygen mask]
• Homer tries an aphrodisiac that Mr. Burns uses to deal with his exhaustion, which cuts to him running up the stairs carrying Marge and then cuts to them after having sex and Marge realizing how loud they were. Cut to Bart, Lisa and Flanders all with expressions of shock.
• The montage of Mr. Burns and Gloria's dates, which shows all the various ways that Homer helps out like eating the spaghetti for Mr. Burns and using a defibrillator to revive him.
• Gloria and Mr. Burns going bowling.
  Gloria: [bowls a strike] Eeeexcellent!
  Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Did you hear that? That "excellent" was...eeeeexcellent.
  • Homer's reply as well.
  "Can I have some ice cream? I finished my pizza."
• As Snake is kidnapping Gloria, Homer tries to defend her.
  "Let her go! Or I'll scream!" [Snake effortlessly takes Homer as well, causing him to scream]
• Homer imagining what pistol-whipping is: scooping whipped cream with a pistol.
  "Mmm, pistol whip..."

274 - "The Blunder Years"

• When Marge is hugging Homer, she fantasizes about Burly the spokesjack, which Homer gets offended by. He tries to fantasize in retaliation, but gets threatened by Mama Celeste's Sausage Pizza and rejected by Paul Newman's Salad Dressing.
• Homer's breakdown after the hypnotist makes him twelve years old where he screams throughout the next few minutes, including tipping the valet, brushing his teeth and when in bed. It gets to the point that Homer is wheeled home by Lenny and Carl because he ruined nap time and quiet time.
• After drinking some tea to calm his mentality, Homer begins reminiscing the time that he jumped over Springfield Gorge, which dissolves into the clip from "Bart The Daredevil", until Lisa says, "Dad, everyone's sick of that memory."
• The group has just discovered a passageway from the quarry to Mr. Burns' Nuclear Power Plant office:
  Mr. Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
  Chief Wiggum: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest for murder.
  Mr. Burns: Er, did I say corpse hatch? Oh, I, ah, meant, um innocence tube!
• From the same scene:
  Mr. Burns: I knew this day would come. In a way it's a relief. In another way, it's most unwelcome.

275 - "She of Little Faith"

• This conversation between Bart and Lisa:
  Bart: Still looking for a new faith?
  Lisa: Yep.
  Bart: Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart?
  Lisa: No.
  Bart: How about Methodist?
  Lisa: No!
• Also, after Lisa leaves the church forever.
  Homer: I don't know how to feel.
  Marge: You should be upset.
  Homer: (loudly) AHHHHHHHWAHA! How was that?
  Marge: A little much.
  Homer: (quietly) Ahhhh....awahh.
• "I'M A BUDDHIST!"
  Flanders: My Satan sense is tingling...
• The family attempts to bribe Lisa into converting back to Christianity by getting her a pony for Christmas... and then it turns out that the pony's really Milhouse and Ralph in disguise. And finally the Brick Joke at the end...
  Lisa: Hey, where's my pony?
  Marge: Yes, Merry Christmas to us all!
  Lisa: I'm serious. Make with the pony!
  Marge: And a happy, healthy new year!

276 - "Brawl in the Family"

• When Homer has to sleep in Bart's treehouse with his Vegas wife:
  Homer: Please just leave me alone.
  Amber: Now, now, Mama's going to make you a snack! (starts making a sandwich)
  Homer: (gasp) Ooh...yeah! Oh, that's good. Oh, don't stop! Oh, yeah! Faster! Faster!
  (Cut to Marge listening from the bedroom)
  Homer: Faster! Faster! Oh, you do that like a pro!
  Marge: (worried) Oh no! She's making him a sandwich!
  Homer: Use both hands!
• Homer's drunk description of his family.
  Homer: See, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, girl Bart^note Lisa, the one that doesn't talk^note Maggie and the fat guy^note Homer himself. How I loathe him.
• Lenny says that he always thought someone with two wives would be happier. Carl replies, "No, you're thinking of someone with two knives. Moe agrees, holding up two knives and saying "I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific".
• One of the buttons on the Simpsons' phone has a picture of Homer strangling Bart.
• After acid rain destories the TV, Homer freaks out and runs outside to check, only to get burnt by the acid rain, so he runs back inside and screams at seeing the TV still out, so he runs back outside. Thus leading to a whole sequence of him doing both of these actions, routinely.
• Brenda is the negotiating robot
  Brenda: I am Brenda. I am programmed to talk in a calm and destructive manner... DESTROY! DESTROY!

277 - "Sweets and Sour Marge"

• Everything about Garth Motherloving in the sugar company.
  Garth: If you have an issue with us, why not bring it up with your sewing circle?
  Marge: But we're on hiatus. Everyone's everywhere
  Garth: (speaking into recorder) Note to Marge, get out! (throws Marge the tape)
  Marge: (frowning) I'll play it later.
• Homer comparing the sugar company it to Willy Wonka's factory.
  Homer: Were there Oompa Loompas?
  Marge: There was one in a cage, and he wasn't moving.
• Homer tries to fall off the boat in scuba gear, only to land on the lower deck. He then tries again, and lands on a whale.
• The moment when Homer is smuggling sugar.
  Dealer: Okay, man, here's the sugar. Now you give us the money.
  Homer: (pushes off in the raft) That wasn't part of the deal! (laughs)
  Dealer: (consults the contract) He's right! (to his henchmen) Who wrote this thing?!
• Homer's attempt at using Reverse Psychology on a toucan.

278 - "Jaws Wired Shut"

• This line when Homer saves Marge at the demolition derby:
  Homer: (offscreen) Quit banging my wife!
  (Homer rides in on a donkey.)
  Demolition Derby Announcer: A man on a donkey?! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this!
  • Homer impersonating Popeye as he saves Marge, who channels Olive Oyl with her rubber-hose waggling arms while she cries out for help:
    Homer: *muttering* "Hunh, gonna need some fuel for me mule; some gas for me ass!"
    *feeds a beer to his donkey, who briefly powers up like Homer did, but then immediately falls asleep*
• Soccer Mummy.
  "Uh oh! The professor said not to let him get a boner!"
• At the movie theater, Homer is annoyed at the movie preshow being too long. Then...
  Announcer: And now, our feature presentation.
  Homer: (signs in relief)
  Different announcer: If that's a phrase you like to hear, then you'll love MovieCall!
  Homer: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
• The newspaper headline "Local Man Ruins Everything", with a photo of Homer riding a donkey into a cake while waving an American flag (pictured above).
  Marge: That donkey is such a bad influence on you...

279 - "Half-Decent Proposal"

• When Marge is offended by Artie Ziff attempting to kiss her, she takes a cab. When the cab demands payment, Marge says "Send the bill to Baron Von Kissalot", referring to Ziff. However, we later cut to Germany, where a baron with huge lips says "Okay, who's the wise guy?" after receiving the bill.

280 - "The Bart Wants What It Wants"

• Everything about Ranier Wolfcastle's movie "Undercover Nerd".
  Melvin Eugene Punymier: The geek shall inherit the Earth. (picks up one Jerk Jock, throws him through another)
• "Remember when I said I'd eat you last? I lied."

281 - "The Lastest Gun in the West"

• Buck McCoy breaking up a bank robbery with his lasso.
  Robber: I'm firing at the lasso, but the bullets just go through the middle!
  Snake: It's the ultimate weapon!

282 - "The Old Man and the Key"

• Homer acting like a father to his own father's childish antics.
  Homer: He has to learn, the way my dad made me learn.
  Marge: He is your dad!
  Homer: (beat) Cosmic.
• Bart and Homer playing Scrabbleships.
  Bart: B6.
  Homer: You sunk my Scrabbleship!
  Lisa: This game makes no sense!
  Homer: Tell that to the good men that just lost their lives. Semper Fi!
• "OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD".

283 - "Tales from the Public Domain"

A - D'oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (Homer's Odyssey)

Flanders: Now throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans!

Homer: (laughing) Trojans.

Lisa: What are you laughing at, dad?

Homer: If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny.

• Homer crossing the River Styx while "Lady" by Styx plays in the background.
  Homer: Oh, this truly is Hell!
• Discus Stu.
  Discus Stu: Discus Stu has ouzo for two-zo.
  Bart: I'll leave you two alone.
  Discus Stu: Discus Stu was talking to you.
  Bart: (shudders)

B - Hot Child In The City (Joan of Arc)

• Marge changing the end of Joan of Arc's story by ripping out the page with the ending, and swallowing it.
  Marge: Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video.
• Lisa/Joan of Arc leading the charge against England.
  Lisa/Joan of Arc: Let us kill the English! Their concept of individual rights could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants!
  (as she leads the charge, we see two English soldiers calmly drinking tea)
  English soldier 1: They're attacking again.
  English soldier 2: I thought we had a truce.
  English soldier 1: Just because you keep saying it doesn't make it so! (both get shot by arrows) Oh my word!

C - Do The Bard, Man (Hamlet):

• Hamlet (Bart) accidentally stabs Polonius (Chief Wiggum)
  Wiggum/Polonius: I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed.
• Also:
  Homer/King: I have returned from the dead!
  Bart/Hamlet: It looks more like you've returned from the buffet!
  Homer/King: Why you little!
  (Homer tries to strangle him and his hands just go straight through.)
  Homer/King: You must avenge me! Aveeeenge meee!
  Bart/Hamlet: How?
  Homer/King: I dunno. Surprise me. Surpriiiiise meeee! (disappears through the wall. A few seconds later, comes back.) It's cold outside, you'll need a sweater. A sweeeaaaater!!
• The play within a play:
  Bart/Hamlet: The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king.
  Moe/Claudius: Catch my conscience? What?
  Bart/Hamlet: Hey! You're not supposed to hear me! That was a soliloquy.
  Moe/Claudius: Ok, well I'll do a soliloquy too. "Note to self, kill that kid.".
• Lisa's sole appearance. As Ophelia.
  Lisa/Ophelia: Ah great, now Hamlet's acting crazy. Well nobody outcrazies Ophelia. Hey nonny nonny with a hoo and a ha and a nonny nonny heeeyy~! *SPLASH*
  • As she sings, she jumps on a table, dances and messes things up, then jumps off, does a cartwheel, and jumps out the window and into the moat, all while the extras watch in utter horror.
• "And now, to celebrate life! Woah, bloody floor! (slips and dies)" And as Marge/Gertrude looks at the carnage, she announces she's not cleaning up the mess and bashes her own head in with a mace.

284 - "Blame It on Lisa"

• As they're flying to Brazil:
  Homer: Wait, wait, wait, so in August it's cold?
  Lisa: That's right.
  Homer: And in February, it's hot?
  Lisa: Mm-hm.
  Homer: So it's opposite land! Crooks chase cops, cats have puppies!
  Lisa: No, Dad, it's just the weather.
  Homer: So hot snow falls up?
  Lisa: (sighs) Yes.
• After Homer and Marge cut off their phone service:
  Lisa: (sighs) Why must you fight with every utility?
  Homer: I told you, I have too much time on my hands.
• When the Simpsons try to find out about Ronaldo from the orphanage:
  Head Nun: Every night we light a candle for him.
  Bart: Have you tried looking for him?
  Head Nun: That's plan B.
• Seeing Homer in a speedo encourages beachgoers to avert their gaze, rub sand in their eyes and cover their face with a jellyfish.
• After Homer and Bart get into a cab in Brazil:
  Kidnapper #1: (points a gun at Homer) My American friend, I'm afraid that this is a kidnapping.
  Homer: So that means I don't have to pay the fare?
  Kidnapper #1: ...er...I suppose...
  Homer: Woohoo!
• When Homer is taken to the kidnappers' hideout, he's wearing a bag over his head.
  Homer: Where are you taking me?
  Kidnapper #2: Shut up... and take that stupid bag off your head.
  Homer: No, it smells like cinnamon.
• When the kidnappers demand Homer's family pay ransom:
  Kidnapper #2: If your family wants to see you alive again, they would be wise to pay.
  Homer: (tied to a table) Oh I dunno, they've been seeing me alive for free for a long time...

285 - "Weekend at Burnsie's"

• "For me, The '60s ended that day in 1978."
• Otto had many hilarious lines:
  Otto: Why do they call them fingers? You never seem them fing. Oh, there they go.
  Otto: (looking at finger with ring) Oh yeah, I married that chick!
• A stoned Homer and Otto are watching The Three Stooges.
  Homer: (laughing) Oh man, look at Shemp, he is so high.
  Otto: Whoa I just realized something: "Shemp" is "hemp", spelled backwards.
  Homer: And Otto spelled backwards... is Otto.
  Otto: (dumbstruck and looks at Homer) Now I'm scared.
• The entire sequence where Homer and Smithers pretend Mr. Burns isn't dead to the shareholders is hilarious.
• "Oh man, we killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!"

286 - "Gump Roast"

• The beginning, which spoofs Forrest Gump, has Homer dressed as Forrest, looking at the feather, which keeps poking his eye.
• As part of Homer's roast, Principal Skinner's mother walks on stage wearing what was supposed to be a skimpy, sensual dress with a Navel-Deep Neckline - actually a parody of Jennifer Lopez's infamous◊ one. Everyone stares in silence for a moment before this exchange:
  Abe Simpson: (standing up) What is keeping that dress together?!
  Sideshow Mel: (Also standing up) The collective will of everyone in this room!
• To the music of "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel.
  They'll never stop the Simpsons!
  Have no fears, we've got stories for years.
  Like, Marge becomes a robot,
  maybe Moe gets a cell phone,
  has Bart ever owned a bear or,
  how 'bout a crazy wedding,
  where something happens,
  and do-do do-do do?
  Sorry for the clip show,
  have no fears, we've got stories for years!
• The very idea that Moe had the exact same setup for the next batch of clips as Kang and Kodos, right down to the mind-probing device, which, according to Moe's design, was a carved-out boulder with light bulbs and a tube glued onto it.
  Moe (Muttering angrily): Yeah, that's right, go word fer word, ya lousy, stinkin'... (mutters darkly as he tosses his "mind-reading device" and "script" to the ground)

287 - "I Am Furious (Yellow)"

• Homer's "transformation" into an Hulk lookalike (with Bart commenting that he's glad Homer's pants stayed on during the transformation):
  Homer: HOMER MAD! HOMER SMASH! GET REVENGE ON WORLD!!!
• Bart's website becomes the number one non-pornographic website on the internet...making it ten trillionth overall.
• The entirety of Stan Lee's appearance. When he ruins Database's Batmobile in particular:
  Stan Lee: (to Database, who is about to buy a Batman action figure) Hold it, son. Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure?
  Database: Aaaah but Batman only fits in my Batmobile.
  Stan Lee: Ha-are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly. (Stuffs The Thing into the Batmobile and destroys the latter in the process.) Look, he's fitting right now!
  Database: (tearfully) AHHHH you broke my Batmobile!
  Stan Lee: Broke? Or made it better? (turns to comic book rack and proceeds to swap Marvel Comics to the front while humming the 1960s Spider-Man theme)
  • When Bart sees him in the store for the second day in a row.
  Bart: Wow, Stan Lee came back?
  Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I am beginning to think his mind is no longer in mint condition.
  • And also when he sees Homer's Hulk-esque rampage being ended by the cops, this happens:
  Stan Lee: He can't be the Hulk! I'M the Hulk! (rips his shirt open and growls loudly, and nothing happens)
  Comic Book Guy: Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.
  Stan Lee: C'mon, dammit, change! (continues to growl, straining to change into the Hulk) Ah, forget it. (strains some more) I really did it once!
  Comic Book Guy: Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.

288 - "The Sweetest Apu"

• The double entendres during badminton (after Homer discovered Apu cheating on Manjula was Annette) which makes Homer and Marge uncomfortable.
  Manjula: Oh Apu, you keep scoring when my back is turned. Are you sure you're not cheating?
  Apu: Now Manjula, do you want me to find another partner?
  Marge: No! No, no, let's just keep playing. What's the score?
  Homer: Dirty love. I mean 30-love! I mean, anyone for penis? I'll just get the shuttlecock. Oh!
• This moment:
  Manjula: Apu, why aren't you pressuring me for sex?
  Apu: Oh how could you accuse me of repeated infidelity?! Why, I am so angry I could just, I could just fall asleep! (snores)
  • Plus Homer walking home backwards, and then jumping home backwards on the ladder.
• Homer tries to recruit Apu for the reenactment:
  Homer: Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War reenactment, we need lots of Indians to shoot.
  Apu: (groans) Ugh, I don't know which part of that sentence to correct first.
• Principal Skinner is not amused by the Anachronism Stew:
  Skinner: This battlefield is rife with inaccuracies. You dead people, stop playing cards! Stonewall Jackson, stop rollerblading!
  Disco Stu: The South shall boogie again!
  • Later, as Grandpa Simpson and other WWII veterans interfere using tanks:
  Skinner: Tanks?! Oh, this is just too inaccurate!
  Frink: Ah, well then, you're definitely not going to like my steam-powered super spider. With the stepping and the squishing and the webs made of NYLON!
  • "The Second Battle of Springfield was fought by the North, the South and the East, to keep Springfield in, out of and next to the Union respectively. Now, the actual battle was fought there, where that man is standing. But he won't move, so we'll do it here."
  • This scene:
  Marge: Homer, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
  Homer: (Imagines himself in a futuristic city, flying a hang-glider and shooting a laser beam at people on the ground) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You can run, but you can't glide!
• This scene:
  Marge: We have to do something to save that marriage. Maybe I should just tell Manjula. Or you could talk to Apu.
  Homer: He already knows. Let's tell Krusty!
  Marge: What would that accomplish?
  Homer: That guy's hilarious! His reaction would be priceless!
  (Cut to Krusty drinking a glass of water)
  Homer: Apu is cheating!
  Krusty: (Doesn't Spit Take) That's sad. All those kids.
  Homer: (To Marge) I think he's building to something.
  (Krusty just sits there looking sad)
  • After Apu has seemingly done everything on Manjula's list
  Homer: Wait, wait! You forgot to eat a light bulb.
  Apu: Thank you very much, you big fat blabbermouth! I'm Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.
  Homer: Here you go. (whispering) Don't worry, I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

289 - "Little Girl in the Big Ten"

• Lugash has an interesting way of motivating gymnasts... taking their cats hostage.
  Lugash: You girls were all great. Cats back for everyone!
  Gymnast: I had a dog.
  Lugash: IS CAT NOW!
• Lisa lies to her college student friends that she's a teacher's aide for Ralph's class, then has them drive off before he can correct her.
  Ralph: Why do people run from me? (He promptly wets his pants.)
• Lisa gets dropped home by her college student friends, and they hear Homer trying to sing "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba.
  Homer: I get knocked down, I get knocked down again, you're never gonna knock me down!

290 - "The Frying Game"

• Marge tells Homer that the garden feature allows her to be alone with her thoughts:
  How much money did he piss away on this?
• The EPA gives the family all they need to know about the endangered scream-a-pillar
  Lisa: Let's see, will die without reassurance every 5 minutes, it's sexually attracted to fire...
  Homer: Are you sure God doesn't want it dead?
• Homer gets a call from Mrs. Bellamy and leaves to help her in the middle of his shift. On his way out, he nonchalantly tells Mr. Burns to cover for him. Hilarity Ensues.
• After it's rumored that Homer actually committed murder, he goes to Moe's:
  Homer: Boy, what a day! I'd kill for a beer!
  Moe: Uh, alright. Here's you go! [nervously gives him a beer]
  Homer: [deviously] I'd...stab for a pickle! [Moe swipes Lenny's pickle and gives it to Homer] Now give me some peanuts!
  Moe: Up-bup-bup! You didn't say you'd kill me first!
  Homer: [sigh] I'll kill ya if you don't give me some peanuts.
  Moe: Uh, okay, I don't want any trouble, Mister!
  • Even better: Homer is successfully able to cut the church service short merely by clearing this throat a couple times ("Today's readings come from Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Well, maybe just Matthew and Mark."), prompting a nervous Reverend Lovejoy to say, "Amen!" and leave.

291 - "Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge"

• During the looting, Moe throws a trachcan into a window and steals the register, only to realize that it was his bar.
  • Later at the town meeting, when the blame for the riot has been mostly resolved and the meeting adjorned, Otto asks if this means everyone can keep the stuff they stole. Hibbert, with a new fur coat and scooter, says it was pretty much implied.
• "Wiggum couldn't catch cooties at Milhouse's birthday party!" (Pan left to reveal that Milhouse is sitting right next to him.)
• [later] "You couldn't catch a cold... with a ... cold catching... thing." "See, without Milhouse it's hard."
• Homer's conversation with the owner of Wooly Bully.
  Homer: You sell hats?
  Shop Guy: Mmm.
  Homer: To people?
  Shop Guy: Maybe.
  Homer: To people with heads?
  Shop Guy: Sometimes.
• Homer catches Jimbo, who stole Lisa's Malibu Stacy dolls.
  Homer: Did you steal dolls from my daughter?!
  Jimbo: I think they demean women.
  Homer: Well think again son, you're going to juvie.
  Jimbo: I just got out of juvie!
  Homer: Good, because I need directions.
• Homer listing all of the jobs he's had up to that point in the series, whilst he does this, Marge manages to go off screen and put hair rollers in her hair.
• As Apu is being held up at the Kwik-E-Mart:
  Snake: (holding a shotgun) Yo, empty the register, dude!
  Apu: Okay, okay, you are the boss...
  (Apu presses a button under the register to use the silent alarm)
  Silent Alarm: SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED!
• Homer is about to be gunned down by Mafia thugs, and they're suddenly shot. Cue the arrival of Chief Wiggum... but what's this? Wiggum isn't the shooter. As they wonder who shot the Mafia guys, cue Maggie sitting in her crib upstairs next to the window, with a gun. Then Homer and Marge come upstairs and she hides the gun under her pillow!
  Marge: Aw, she's probably dreaming of the time she shot Mr. Burns.
• The spoof of the opening sequence of The Sopranos.
• Marge trying to dissuade Fat Tony from trying to assassinate Homer:
  Marge: Fat Tony, how can you do this?
  Fat Tony: Sorry, but this is the business we've chosen.
  Marge: But you're just perpetuating a negative Italian-American stereotype! I mean; you could be a pizza-man, organ grinder, uh, Leaning Tower builder, and, uh... Did I say pizza-man?
  Fat Tony: (sheds a Single Tear) You are listing my broken dreams.
• After taking over the police station, Homer's first act is to free town drunk Otis from a cell.
  Otis: You can let me go, but I'll just keep exposing myself at the mall.
  Homer: Heh-heh, what a character.

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