Funny / The Senile Scribbles

• Pointing out that the entire plot of Dawnguard is based around one major plothole.

  Dragonborn: Understand what? That without the sun all the plant-life is gonna die, which is going to kill all the animals, which is gonna kill all the people? Which is eventually going to kill all the Vampires?
  Harkon: Wait, can you say that all again?
  Dragonborn: Not to mention, the sun doesn't even hurt you! I've been walking around with your daughter for weeks, you can go out in the sunlight whenever you want!
  Harkon: Yeah, well, you can... but it's fucking annoying...

• Calling out Miraak on his boastful claims that he could have beaten Alduin, pointing out his own rebellion against far less powerful dragons ended in utter defeat and his temple being burnt to a crisp.

  Miraak: I left a cigar burning on the nightstand, that's all!
  Dragonborn Yeah, if by cigar you mean Vahlok and a legion of pissed off Dragons...

• The Dragonborn's irritation that Serana isn't a romance option, despite the heavy Ship Tease throughout Dawnguard making them the Fan-Preferred Couple:

  Serana: Wait, is this male armour?
  Dragonborn: Yeah, sorry, I couldn't get your exact measurements from the friend-zone.

• Serana's annoyance that he won't let up on the subject;

  Dragonborn: First off, she's not my wife...
  Serana: Thank you!
  Dragonborn:... yet!
  Serana: Oh, for fuck's sake!

• There's also the encore episode, where the Dragonborn visits the Imperial and Stormcloak recruiters from the first episode. And they're still at war with each other....Then the Dragonborn reveals that he used an Elder Scroll to go back in time and stop himself from killing Paarthurnax, and is planning to take over Skyrim himself.

  Imperial Soldier: But why?
  Stormcloak Soldier: Yeah, what are you planning?
  Dragonborn: Well, let's just say you guys are gonna want to burn those uniforms.
  Stormcloak Soldier: Oh shit.
  Imperial Soldier: I'm gonna lose all my benefits.
  Stormcloak Soldier: I'm gonna lose my only pair of clothes.

• Earlier, his succinct appraisal of the Civil War in the simplest possible terms.

  Dragonborn: Okay, so... freedom of religion?
  Stormcloak: Yes.
  Imperial: No.
  Dragonborn: Racial equality?
  Imperial: Yes.
  Stormcloak: Er... define "equality."
  Dragonborn: Okay, what about gay marriage?
  (long beat)
  Imperial: Well, yes.
  Stormcloak: Of course.
  Imperial: Kind of a silly question.
  Stormcloak: I agree.
  Imperial: Why would you even ask that?
  Stormcloak: Who would want to live in a miserable marriage?
  Imperial: Exactly!