Funny / The many Deaths of Harry Potter

• Hermione and Harry have a discussion about how vague prophecies tend to be, with Harry saying that you never hear anything about people being foretold to be defeated on a specific date.
  Hermione: If I heard I was going to be defeated that day, I'd just call in sick.
• Harry's reaction to hearing that Neville's surname is Longbottom is to think it probably makes him a bully magnet unless other Wizarding names are similarly silly.
• Harry briefly ponders keeping a hawk as a pet, but decides that with his luck it'd peck his eyes out and he'd either die or be forced to "go around with a distinct lack of eyes."
• After a death and reset to being pushed off the Hogwarts Express, Harry wonders if it's possible to cancel his enrollment at the school and looks into it. This leads to Snape showing up at his house to ask why Harry's trying to quit Hogwarts before even starting there.
• The chapter with Harry's second attempt at riding the school train opens with him saying he found a toad in the bathroom. Both he and Hermione are puzzled about why anyone would want a toad as a pet.
• Harry is worried enough about getting attacked on the train again that he refuses to use the lavatory unaccompanied. He then wonders if there's a spell that makes using the bathroom unnecessary.
• Harry's pretty sure that "Voldemort" is not the man's given name, but thinks it could be possible given that he's currently starting a friendship with someone whose surname is Longbottom.
• Ron spends so much time arguing with Malfoy and his cronies that they're forced to share a boat across the lake together because there isn't any room left on the others. Harry watches from a distance as they rock and ultimately tip over their boat, only for the lake's giant squid to right the boat and put them back in it.
• Harry's mind goes wandering as he puts the Sorting Hat on, thinking it probably isn't that clean due to being placed on hundreds of heads. He eventually thinks about the time half his primary school class got head lice due to sharing a comb, leading to the Hat startling him when it says it doesn't have lice.
• The Sorting Hat says it's cleaned magically every year. Harry makes a comment about several of his classmates not looking that clean, specifically calling out how greasy Malfoy's hair looks, only for the Hat to retort that Harry's gotten makeup on its brim.
• Upon seeing Quirrell wearing a turban in class and knowing he's got Voldemort's face on the backside of his head, Harry smirks at the thought of Voldemort getting sweat in his eyes and being unable to do anything about it.
• Harry isn't particularly perturbed about a spell making his hair fall out, as his accidental magic is good at regrowing hair. In the event that it doesn't grow back, Harry considers the possibility of wearing a turban to mock Quirrell.
• Harry fantasizes about Transfiguring himself an army of attack boars to fight Quirrell with, only to realize he isn't going to be able to create so much as some "attack gerbils" for a long time.
• The Weasley twins agree to help Harry practice dueling in exchange for him acting as a test subject for their joke products. The beginning of the next chapter cuts to McGonagall asking where Harry's put his head, as a prototype version of the twins' Headless Hats turned his head invisible and the spell that did so proved nearly impossible to remove.
• Some of Harry's experiences with testing other Weasley joke products are recounted, with his surprise of dealing with their effects being enhanced by the twins' refusal to tell him what their stuff does beforehand:
  • The Nose-Biting Teacup is more vicious than the twins expected, as it attacks them in addition to sending Harry to the hospital wing. Harry mentions never being able to look at teacups the same way since.
  • Harry gets chased by the Fanged Frisbee and is relieved when Filch confiscates it and gives him detention.
  • The Electric Shock Shake provides such a powerful zap that Harry is legitimately concerned it'll kill him and he'll have to repeat the school year.

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