Funny / The Man in the Iron Mask

• Nearly any scene involving Porthos.
  Porthos: I just said you're praying. Are you deaf too? I know you're blind, because if you'd seen the tits that just walked out of here, you'd have tears in your eyes.
  Aramis: Sometimes there are more important things to life than a good pair of tits.
  Porthos: Aramis, if you can name me one thing - one single thing - that's more sublime than a plump, pink nipple between my lips, I'll build you a new cathedral.
  Aramis: Forgiveness.
  Porthos: Forgiveness?
  (Beat)
  (Lifts a cheek and farts)
  Porthos: Forgive me! Forgive me.
  • Porthos also crosses himself while talking about the women's breasts, then continues pestering Aramis until his patience runs out and he slaps Porthos.
    Porthos: I observe your forgiveness isn't sweeter than a plump pink nipple...
    Aramis: What don't you understand. I'm trying TO PRAY!!
    Porthos: YOU'RE ALWAYS PRAYING!
  • They then start wrestling as if they're children again. Aramis even sort of starts it, and it cheers Porthos up a bit!
  • Later in the film, he shoves a gun up a belligerent brothel patron's behind and threatens to pull the trigger.
    "Let's see you rob anyone with your pistol up there!"
  • "I'm just a fat old fart with nothing to live for. I'm going to hang myself...just as soon as I'm sober!"
  • Porthos going out to hang himself and Aramis's nonchalant attitude towards the whole thing:
    Athos: What is Porthos doing?
    Aramis: (without looking up) Walking into the barn naked, or so it would seem.
  • And after Porthos's suicide attempt.
    Athos: [about the loud crack from the barn] What was that?
    Aramis: [smugly] It's all right; I sawed the beam. [The building promptly collapses, and Athos stares at Aramis in disbelief] Well, I'm a genius, not an engineer!
  • And then the brilliant exchange between a furious (and naked) Porthos and Aramis:
    Porthos: ARAMIS! You did this! You knew I would try hanging myself and you sawed the beam! Admit it! Admit it!
    Aramis: Of course I knew! You've been moping around for months! Well maybe now you've gotten the idea of killing yourself out of your head, you can stop boring everyone and be useful for a change! (Beat) And put some clothes on!
    Porthos: Oh. Well...okay. (Walks off humbled)
  • As well as the farm girls behind them giggling at everything Porthos has on display.
  • A while earlier in the house, Aramis calls out to nobody in particular for more wine. He calls out a couple more times growing more frustrated and asks "where is everybody?" In bed with Porthos in the barn. Three of them.
• Louis's scenes with Pierre, his chief advisor.
  Louis: But Paris is the most beautiful city in the world. Why should my people feel anything but pride and contentment?
  Pierre: Of course, Your Majesty, I'm sure they are content. And proud. But they are also starving.
  Louis: Now, about these riots. We have stocks right now on the wharf, don't we? Distribute that.
  Pierre: But Majesty, that food is spoiling. That is why it was not sent to the army.
  Louis: Then you must hurry.
  Pierre: What...an excellent idea, Your Majesty.
  • Louis later promotes a different advisor and orders Pierre to be executed for distributing rotten food.
    Louis: You're the new chief advisor. Execute him for distributing rotten food. And the next time there are rioters - shoot them.
    (Pierre and the new chief advisor stand there in Stunned Silence before the new advisor lamely tries to console Pierre)
• During the Masked Ball, the King is seeing iron masks that disappear among the dancers, hidden again by golden masks as soon as he's glimpsed them. Louis mentions he saw a mask to his latest lover, who tells him gently but in obvious confusion, "Well, the ballroom is full of masks, Your Majesty." Louis looks at her in slight annoyance but realizes her point at the same time.