Funny / The Last Spartan

• Cortana's thought of the volus?
  Cortana: Short, fat, restricted to a suit, and apparently, asthmatic. I didn't think it was possible, but I think we've discovered a species sadder than the grunts.
• On Therum, when the squad realizes their less than judicious use of a mining laser has triggered an eruption...
  Garrus: Wait, volcanic eruption? You mean, we've been in a volcano this entire time?
  Liara: Yes. You didn't know?
  N'tho: (sheepish) Yeah...the ruins here are in a once-dormant, now not-so-dormant volcano. Probably should've mentioned that earlier. My bad.
  Beat
  Wrex: If I die in here, I'll kill you.
• The Sangheli explanation of people like N'tho is that, when they become teenagers and they start to become uppity, they send them to join the army in hopes that a few near-death experiences makes them less annoying.
• N'tho singing The SMG Song during the raid on Sharjila.
• On the Presidium, Chief sees a drone/bugger/Yanme'e delivering pizza. The last time he encountered these creatures, he was dodging wave after wave of plasma, needler rounds, and grenades... and now, they're delivering pizza.
• Cortana's response when Garrus sees through her charade of pretending to be a VI by pointing out he recognizes her from documentaries on the Human-Covenant War.
  Cortana: Damn you, History Channel!
  • For that matter, Garrus asking The Chief about Cortana's appearance.
  Garrus: I mean, did she come that way or did you customize her to look like that yourself?
• When first visiting the Citadel, Chief sees an ad for Old Spice; specifically, The Man Your Man Could Smell Like. The commercial is done by an Elite. Cortana's comments on it (and lack thereof) are priceless.
• The method Chief uses to deal with the infamous reporter. Specifically, power walking past her while responding "No Comment" to everything she says.
• Any of the Smash Cuts.
  Chief: *after he scolded Tali for unauthorized use of the budget* She'll get over it. In fact, she's probably forgotten all about it by now.
  (cut to Tali in the shooting gallery)
  Tali: STUPID! *BLAM!* ARMOR-HEADED! *BLAM!* INSENSITIVE! *BLAM!* SEVEN-FOOT! *BLAM!* BOSH'TET! *BLAM!* *BLAM!* *BLAM!*
• My Life with Bipbap. It's a sitcom about an Asari and her Unggoy (Grunt) bondmate. The one episode we do see involves Bipbap trying to hide his friend, an elcor, from his mate... and it backfires spectacularly.
• When the Chief arrives on Earth, he's greeted by a crowd admirers with several Elites and many younger women. Something hits him in the head and it turns out to be a bra. Cortana is shocked by this.
  Captain Anderson: (chuckling) Come on, lover boy."
• The Unggoy dock worker on Eden Prime.
  "Yeah! That's great! You guys go get the beacon! While I stay here...by myself...with no weapons to defend myself in case any more Geth show up. Never mind that I'm a key witness in the murder of a spectre. I'll be fine." (Beat) "I need a hug."
• During the fight on Reach, Tali picks up a heavy weapon. After a few failed attempts to fire, Cortana suggests Tali hold the trigger down. Turns out the weapon is a Spartan Laser, and the kickback knocks Tali off her feet.
• "The Last Spartan, Version 2.0", an April Fools joke which addresses the complaint of "why are the UNSC so weak?", turns them into fascist militarists and takes their anti-Council agenda up to eleven. To wit, the Sanghelli are extinct and the rest of the Covenant are either client races or living in Terminus outposts, the Batarians lost a war to the UNSC and are now a client race, the Council are in open war with the UNSC, the Illusive Man is President of humanity, Tali and Vega die during the invasion of Palaven, where Chief kills Garrus, and Chief's next mission revolves around him tracking down Saren, who's just stolen the Normandy - and Chief's ship is now Sovereign.
• The "Achievement Hunter Rodeo Clowns" dialogue.
  Gavin: Stay in school, kids! Don't do drugs!
  Ray: He's lying, kids. Drugs are awesome.
• Jondum Bau's reaction to seeing that the ship he will be taking to find Halo is a Super Carrier. As the Arbiter points out, he did request "one ship".
  • For clarification, a Super Carrier is roughly three quarters the size of the entire Citadel, and is covered in guns. There Is No Kill Like Overkill, indeed.
• The new Blue Team members arguing over their number designations.
• N'tho going on about how John never read The Hobbit.
• A Sangheili Minor playing a game of 'answer the question correctly or run laps around the cargo bay until I tell you to stop,' With his Unggoy troops.
  • Across the bay, there's another Sangheli Minor with his Unggoy... and they're playing poker. The Minor is wearing a green poker visor, and one of the Unggoy is beating him.
• In Chapter 41, after getting past the near-miss nuclear detonation in the mines, Master Chief and the squad escape through drilling into a cavern with a lone Jiralhanae (Brute) sentry guarding the entrance. Chief quickly kills the guard, but Cortana still can't access the enemy battle net. Tali accesses the dead guard's omni-tool to find anything, only to see the guard had an usually large picture folder's worth of Quarian porn.
  • For that matter, the Brute Phantom Drop Ship pilot who's fooled by Chief and the squad to pick up the dead sentry and thinks he hears his friend's Quarian porn vid after hearing Tali's screams, also thinking it's some sick BDSM. The pilot states he intends to take his friend to Omega to find a Brute female to fix his Quarian fetish "because quite frankly Brack, you need help". No sooner once the pilot open the door to the passenger compartment of the ship does Tali shoot him in the face.
  • Additionally, in order to fool the pilot to pick them up, Wrex uses his biotics to make it look like he's waving the dead sentry's arms for the pilot to land. According to Wrex, this wasn't the first time he's used that trick.
• A troupe of ghost-hunting Unggoy: deciding to search for "The Ghost of Elysium", Chief goes on the extranet to find any information about it. One such detail was a group of Unggoy who really thought the Ghost of Elysium is an actual ghost and filmed a reality show about it, consisting of nothing but them running around screaming in the night.
• Cortana and Tali are tasked with getting the Peak 15 VI back online. They have a rough time of it, but special mention goes to when Cortana starts teasing Tali on her apparent crush towards Chief.
• The author's deep, intricate, and carefully considered reason for including Lekgolo Vanguards:
  "Fuck you, that's why."
• During the Eletania mission, the group's motion radar goes off, but is neither marked friendly or foe. Readying themselves, they prepare for the neutral target: a pyjak. Too bad Wrex hates pyjaks, and keeps his shotgun leveled at the monkey. Chief tells him not to shoot it; Wrex instead uses his biotics to pull the creature towards him and snaps it neck. "...I didn't shoot it", Wrex reiterates.
• A VI goes rogue at an Alliance training facility on a re-terraformed Reach, thus Chief and the squad are tasked to shut it down. During a scuffle against drones and LOKI mechs, Wrex enters "blood rage" when his Harpoon MK VII (which cost him only 5000 credits, something he considers cheap (and Mass Effect 3's upgrade store bears this out- that is hilariously underpriced)) is rendered unusable, and charges straight into the mechs, destroying them easily. What's funny is all this time, the VI is mistakenly rendering the squad's assault as another typical training exercise. Cortana pulls up the VI's report and lists the squad's combat scores appropriately: Wrex calls "varrenshit" over his scores because Garrus scored higher, despite him taking out more LOKI mechs.
• Chief captures Saren on Eletania and duct-tapes his mouth closed when he won't shut up. No, I'm not kidding, this actually happens.
• Cortana trolls Tali by saying that when she's taken over the galaxy, Tali will be tasked with cleaning the feet of the Humongous Mecha body she'll have built for herself. She immediately clarifies she's only joking, stating that her origins mean she has human emotions like a sense of humor... and then compliments Garrus on his "magnificent ass".
  Garrus: (awkward) Uh, heh, good one, Cortana.
  Cortana: Who said I was joking that time?
• N'tho gets his hand stuck in a vending machine.
  "WORT WORT WORT! GIVE ME MY WORTING CRUCH YOU GETH SYMPATHIZER! DADDY NEEDS HIS CARAMEL FIX!"
  • Please keep in mind that N'tho has, at this point, fought everything from Geth Primes to Flood to Krogan and Brutes. He is well read, and is writing a thesis paper comparing the achievements of his culture to the writings of Asari Matriarchs. He is currently being defeated by a vending machine.
• The results of an unggoy sampling Dextro-Amino rations
  Lawrence (speaking to another unggoy thinking of doing so): You don't want to end up like the last unggoy that tried to eat Turian food.
  *points to port-a-potty further down the dock*
  Unggoy inside port-a-potty: MY BUTT IS DOING HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME!
• During another poker game with the team, Cortana says she likes Tali, but Tali responds that she doesn't like her, not just because Cortana is an AI, but because Cortana is kinda bossy, which everyone, including Chief admits that she is bossy.