Funny / The Handkerchief Files

• The fic in general is a goldmine of hilarity.
• One entry in particular in chapter five after Saruman informs Gandalf that he's taken position as the Warden Of The Tower:
  Gandalf: I was wondering, are you going to redecorate? I imagine the tower Orthanc would look stunning in plum.
  Saruman: No, Gandalf.
• Gandalf, on the subject of the rune on Bilbo's door.
  Gandalf: I scratched a "Burglar for Hire" rune. At least, I think that's what I wrote. My Khuzdul is a bit rusty. It is entirely possible I wrote "Abode of King Thranduil".
  Saruman: Remind me to sign you up for remedial Khuzdul.
• Gandalf's insistence on sending Saruman reports on meetings Saruman attended.
• Glóin assures Gandalf that Gimli "bore the disappointment (of not being allowed on the quest) with a warrior's stoic heart". Óin mutters something that sounds like "crying".
• Gandalf's comments on Fíli and Kíli.
  Gandalf: I did have to ask how they managed to persuade their mother to remain behind. Even I have heard rumours of the formidable Lady Dís, Thorin's sister. I still haven't gotten a straight answer, but overheard a few mutters - something about "horrible" and "so much shouting." I don't think I will probe any farther.
  Fíli: If there is a key, there must be a door!
  Gandalf: [narrating] Well done. The Lady Dís must be so proud.
  [...]
  Kíli: There's another way in!
  Gandalf: [narrating] Maybe Lady Dís didn't have to be persuaded to let her sons join the dangers of a Quest. Maybe she kicked them out herself.
  • "When I first met the Dwarves on the road, some of them told me that Óin delivered his nephew, Glóin's much beloved Gimli. Then the Dwarf healer promptly dropped the babe on his head. I must ask if Óin also delivered the King’s nephews. It would certainly explain some things."
• Saruman grumbling that Gandalf's "overly detailed reports about some Hobbit party are still more interesting than Radagast's (reports)".
• "[Bilbo] looked rather as though he were contemplating the possible use of doilies as murder weapons."
• "Gandalf. Gandalf. Gandalf."
• "The never-ending April 26th" and "I am afraid the 27th is going to be as long as the 26th".

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