Good old Winston makes his entrance to Elizabeth's wedding an attention-grabbing scene. In the middle of the ceremony, he loudly remarks that Philip's three sisters aren't present because they all married Nazis. He's told by his wife to shut up, only to double-down it with an even louder "Prominent Nazis!" He's then shushed by an altar boy.
George VI: There was an old Countess of Bray, and you might think it odd when I say, that despite her high station, rank and education, she always spelled "Cunt" with a K!
Prince Philip, staying at Sandringham, is abruptly woken up at an ungodly hour in the morning, sprawled naked over his bed. He demands the intruder "bugger off" before springing right up, wanting to know what idiot is disturbing him at this ridiculous hour... only to find himself standing stark bollock naked right in front of King George VI, who has decided to prank him with a personal wake-up call to go hunting.
George VI: [Mildly] Yes, well, I'm not sure that's the correct term of address for the King.
The Queen asks her tutor what she should do about Churchill and Lord Salisbury deceiving her:
Professor Hogg: Summon them and give them a good dressing-down, like children. Elizabeth: Why would they stand for that? Hogg: Because they are English, male and upper-class. A good dressing-down from Nanny is what they want most in life.
Later, Elizabeth invoking Disappointed in You against Churchill and Salisbury after they hide Churchill's strokes from her provides the incredible sight of men both over forty years her senior and who rank among some of the most powerful and influential in the country on the verge of tears at her verbal lashing.
Winston, full of uncertainty, awaits his turn like a nervous child sitting on a bench by the door of the principal's office. As Salisbury comes out, Churchill scrutinizes his face for some complicit clue, Salisbury gives none and walks away in silence, while Churchill desperately keeps staring at Salisbury for a long time, to no avail.
And after she has chastised both men, Elizabeth confidently walks back to her private rooms where she finds Phillip getting dressed for a state dinner with Eisenhower that had to be cancelled due to Churchill's ill health. At first miffed that "nobody tells me anything," Phillip suddenly notices that Elizabeth seems different, her new confidence making her look "taller" and appropriately sexier, getting Phillip in the mood to make out with her. We cut to a valet approaching the awaiting Secretary carrying the daily red box, informing him that the Queen would like him to come back tomorrow.
After Philip raises some controversial ideas about the Coronation to the organising committee, Churchill goes to Elizabeth in something of a flap, leading to this exchange:
Elizabeth: I do hope this has nothing to do with my husband. I told him not to go mad. Churchill:[Cautiously] ... No one is questioning the Duke of Edinburgh's motives or the sincerity of his beliefs— Elizabeth: I see. He went mad.
Senior Deputy Private Secretary Michael Adeane informs Tommy Lascelles that the Queen has chosen Martin Charteris, the junior deputy, to be her new Private Secretary:
Lascelles: What? Says who? Adeane: Says Margaret Colville, Jock Colville's wife, who plays bridge with Alice Jameson, lady-in-waiting, who as you may know, plays tennis with Mary Charteris. Lascelles: Why on earth would I know that?
Philip acting like the Philip we know when visiting Nairobi.
"I like the hat."
Churchill angrily confronts the painter of his commissioned portrait for making him look like he's on the toilet.
Churchill: That is not a painting. It's a humiliation. "How shall I paint him today? Ah! Sitting on a chair, producing a stool. A broken, sagging, pitiful creature, squeezing and squeezing!"
Anthony Eden makes Winston Churchill say he depends on him and insists he says it loudly so all the people listening in on their conversation can hear.
Elizabeth is showing Charles and Anne all the places their father visited on his tour of the South Pacific and Atlantic, and offers this commentary on the British Overseas Territories:
Elizabeth: ...they have to be visited every once in a while, so they don't feel neglected or forgotten, and don't get silly little ideas like becoming independent.
In "Beryl", Margaret's intimate portrait photo ends up in every newspaper in the country. After opening the paper and seeing the photograph, Philip has a rather appreciative smirk on his face which he immediately rearranges into a frown when Elizabeth looks at him.
Tommy Lascelles reacts with a wordless "for crying out loud", dropping the paper and then his glasses, obviously saturated by this kind of individualistic stunts from a Windsor.
Earlier in the episode, Cecil Beaton is taking Margaret's official portrait. She beams and poses but as soon as the flash goes off she sinks into a sulk and pulls on a cigarette.
In "Marionettes," Elizabeth gets her hair cut into the trademark bob she's now had for decades. While Elizabeth treats the event as being exceptionally mundane (and is more concerned with reading her magazine than paying attention to her hairdresser), the scene is scored to a majestic orchestral and choral track and the reveal is treated like an Awesome Moment of Crowning. Then it's immediately cut to Philip expressing his distaste for it.
Even better, the majestic orchestral track in question is Handel's "Zadok the Priest." As in, "the anthem that has been sung before every British monarch has been crowned since 1727."
Earlier in that same episode, Lord Altrincham causes a major fuss with a speech slamming the Queen. One man, a veteran soldier, pins medals onto his coat, confronts Altrincham outside a TV studio and punches him in the face in front of reporters. The reactions by the Queen and Queen mother to the news are priceless.
Aide: Lord Altrincham has been struck.
Queen Mother: Dumb, I hope.
Aide: Better than that, ma'am. In the face. Quite forcefully, I'm told.
Elizabeth: By whom? What gallant and chivalrous individual?
In that same episode, Martin visits Michael Adeane's office with concerns about the Queen's speech. The first thing he sees upon entering, much to his bafflement, is Tommy's two dogs, with one calmly staring at him. The two deerhounds resemble Tommy very much, sharing a stern, steely gaze and a decidedly non-sunny disposition.
Martin: Sir, forgive me if I'm interfering beyond my station... (notices Lascelles was also in the room) Tommy... Tommy: Martin... You were about to interfere beyond your station. (Tommy launches into a long, coercive diatribe on why the Queen is safe from media attacks) Martin: So I'm worrying unnecessarily? Tommy: Martin, I shall leave the drawing of that inescapable conclusion to you.
Princess Margaret can't quite remember the name of her hairstylist and ends up calling him "Vidal Baboon."
The conga line in "Matrimonium." Hilarious enough per se- but Elizabeth's face during it makes it even funnier!
Elizabeth and Philip try to have morning sex, only for the staff to barge in with breakfast. They both collapse into giggles while ordering everyone out.
Philip derisively nicknames the royal household and nobles who look down on him as "the moustaches," and he's so put down by this stuffy trait that one of the conditions to calm his restlessness is that Private Secretary Michael Adeane shaves, a petition that has to be delivered by a somewhat uneasy Elizabeth.
The Queen Mother knocking the black and white TV to get a good signal to see a story on President and Mrs. Kennedy visiting Europe.
Queen Mother: She's so young! I always thought she was your age!
Elizabeth: She is.
Elizabeth is rocked by how everyone at the Palace is going wild over the Kennedys visiting. Philip can't help but make a crack on how "It's like meeting royalty," earning an epic eye roll. Also hilarious is Adeane and Charteris's shocked whisperings as the Kennedy's blithely break every rule of Royal Protocol on greeting the Queen. Elizabeth and Philip, of course, take it all in an amused stride.
(Jackie moves to greet the Queen ahead of her husband)
Adeane: President first! President first! (and later, to Charteris) Did they not get a protocol sheet?
Charteris:(defensively) Yes! But they obviously didn't read it.
Elizabeth dancing with Ghana's President, Kwame Nkrumah, was a rare moment where Crowning Moment of Awesome and Funny meet. Awesome being Elizabeth showing her maturity into her role as Queen and Funny being everyone else's reaction. From Adeane's face to Charteris and the play-by-play commentary being provided to London, and their shock at the thought of the Queen of the United Kingdom dancingwith an African.
Macmillan and Adeane's Freak Out is something to behold. They act like Elizabeth is a wayward soldier ("Get her out of there!") rather than their monarch.
When Elizabeth pays a visit to Lascelles, she handles a figurine of his recreation of the battle of Salamanca. After she leaves it on the battlefield and goes for the door, Lascelles is quick to put it back in its exact proper place, all while showing the viewer that not even Her Majesty is beyond his typical appalled, quiet scorn.
Tommy: As with a great many artists, the conventional approach to life... doesn't appear to fit. It seems that what makes his work notable is his willingness, his appetite, to break barriers and conventions as he pushes his medium, uh photography... I believe, to its boundaries. And, um, as in art, so, it would appear... in life. Elizabeth II:[hesitantly] I see... Tommy: The narrow path, the straight, Christian path... is not to his taste. [long pause] To the best of our knowledge, he is currently conducting no fewer than three other intimate relationships. Elizabeth II:[shocked] What? With whom? Tommy:[handing over photographs] With a Miss Jacqui Chan, an oriental dancer and singer. With Gina Ward, an actress. And with Miss Robin Banks, his former assistant. Michael:[uneasy] These... we should add... [beat] Tommy:[with aplomp] ...are just the natural ones. Elizabeth II: What?
When Elizabeth relates that they ended up naming Andrew after Philip's father, Margaret premonitorily quips "Yes, the bankrupt philanderer."
A globetrotting Tony has found what binds things together in his marriage: "absence".
The ending of the season shows the royal family photo where most of the members are too busy conversing while Elizabeth is holding her newly born son, Edward, in her arms very exasperated. Philip tries to tell everyone to keep still as their pictures are being taken. However, he grows very impatient and yells "For Christ's sake!" at his relatives at the back causing them to stop whatever they were doing. Then, he sits down and orders the photographer to take the photo. This is likely inspired by the photoshoot for the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain where the elderly Prince Philip impatiently tells the photographer to "just take the fucking photo".
Season 3
Elizabeth's advisers struggling to delicately broach the subject of her growing older after she has a new portrait taken, until she breaks the ice and asks if "old bat" is the term they're looking for.
Margaret's trip to the White House where she wins over Lyndon Johnson by insulting Kennedy, drinking and dancing, and making up dirty limericks, all of which a highly embarrassed Wilson has to try and diplomatically report to his Queen. Elizabeth ends up having to gently coax the story out of him.
Wilson: Princess Margaret won the evening with this one: "There was a young lady from Dallas...who used a dynamite stick as a phallus..." Margaret: They found her... Wilson: Uhm... Elizabeth: You've made it this far. Wilson:(Beat) "They found her vagina in North Carolina..." Margaret: And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace! Elizabeth: Bravo.
Regarding the limerick about the "man with an enormously large Johnson", Wilson says the rhyme ended there because "everyone thought that was long enough", which Wilson immediately realises is an innuendo in itself.
Elizabeth has developed a certain amount of self-awareness over her jealousy regarding the glamorous exploits and rave write-ups Margaret gets, and when listening to yet more fawning coverage over her trip to America cuts it off when she feels her green eyes poking out again:
Elizabeth: That's quite enough, Martin. I'm a queen, not a saint.
Philip calls out for Anne over the palace intercom but doesn't know which room she's in. So he systematically flicks through each channel, calling out "Sweetie" to empty rooms and royal advisors until word finally reaches his daughter.
A confused Michael Adeane attempts to ask the Queen if Philip is referring to her. She corrects him.
Elizabeth: [amused] "Not me, I'm afraid. I'm "darling" or "cabbage." "Sweetie" is someone else."
The whole family treats the infamous Royal Family special like a proto-Mystery Science Theater 3000, constantly jibing each other about how bad they're looking.
Philip gives Elizabeth a massive kiss at the end of "Coup", because he wants to assert his love for her over her fondness for Porchey. She looks rather pleased. He then casually inquires about Mountbatten’s aborted coup attempt. She, having given Mountbatten a massive bollocking about it, is equally casual on the subject. He starts to leave.
Elizabeth: I’ll be up in a minute.
Philip: Oh, will you.
Elizabeth: Yes.
Philip: Then I’ll see you in a minute.
He then strides off with a massive smirk on his face. Elizabeth hugs her own face with delight.
Charles alters his planned speech at a huge event in Wales. When his teacher asks how his parents took the changes, Charles just laughs that "the beauty of it being in Welsh was they didn't understand a word of it regardless!"
During a scene which opens on a tight shot of a deer sculpture, Philip complains about being served venison too often at dinner.
Philip: Honestly, I think if I eat any more of this stuff, I'm going to start growing antlers.
Elizabeth: Are you listening?
Philip: Yes, I'm all ears. Little brown furry ones.
Anne can be quite good at delivering some snark to her family.
Queen Mother: We'd like to ask you some questions. And it's important while answering those questions that you remain clear-headed, unemotional, rational and calm.
Anne: As opposed to what? The hysterical and neurotic way I normally behave?
Then there's the interrogation, during which Anne casually reveals not only that she has an active sex life, but that her current relationship is entirely physical, not romantic ("It's fun."), and that she is completely aware of the games Andrew and Camilla are attempting to play with each other and her and Charles, and doesn't care at all. Then when it's all over:
Throughout the series, Elizabeth signals the end of her audiences with prime ministers by pressing a buzzer. At the end of her audience with Ted Heath in which she gives him a bollocking for failing to keep his promise to avert power cuts, she presses it and it doesn’t work because there’s a power cut. She gives a little gasp of annoyance and rings a bell instead.
This quote from Princess Anne, explaining the Diana-Charles-Camilla-Andrew Parker Bowles situation, which could also be considered partly a Tearjerker
Anne and Charles discuss their lot in life and swapping roles.
Charles: Fancy being the heir? Anne: Not if it means going to Wales. Charles:(chuckles)
Season 4
The notorious "Iron Lady" Margaret Thatcher is reduced to an utterly baffled Fish out of Water on bank holiday at Balmoral.
Elizabeth: While stalking, the trick really is to disappear into nature. To preserve the element of surprise. So next time you might not wear bright blue. It means the stag can see you. Or wear scent. It means he can smell you. (Thatcher slips and loudly gasps) Now he can hear you, too.
Diana's neighbourhood of Earl's Court is summed up as being full of "prostitutes and Australians."
When Fagan breaks into Elizabeth's room, despite it being a very tense and frightening situation, she can't stop herself from chiding him for his "filthy habit" when he asks her for a light. Fagan, agitated and erratic, wearily responds that he knows before calming himself sufficiently to talk to her about his life has been ruined by Thatcher's policies.
The morning after Diana's ballet performance for Charles set to "Uptown Girl" in Buckingham Palace.
Elizabeth: Billy Jo-el?
Elizabeth is downright surprised to hear Philip say "everyone knows who your favorite (child) is." When she asks "who?" he just stands up and leaves with a smirk, ignoring his wife's blustering demands to know who folks think is the favorite.
Her flabbergasted reaction when Philip bluntly admits without missing a beat that Anne is his favorite out the four children.
Elizabeth:(gasps) You said that alarmingly quickly.
Elizabeth goes to her secretary to ask him to summon all her children for a talk. After she leaves, he's about to sit down until she comes back for a last-minute addition so everyone stands up. After she leaves, he's about to sit down, then pauses to peek in the hall just in case the Queen comes back again.
During a meeting with Charles and Diana about their splintering marriage, Elizabeth notes that there are times when you have to be willfully blind to what your spouse is doing. This prompts a very sharp look from Philip on the other side of the couch, clearly dying to ask exactly what she's referring to.
Remember Elizabeth and Philip's royal tour in season 1? Remember the explosive row they had that culminated in Elizabeth throwing a tennis racket at Philip? In season 4, Elizabeth apparently tells Charles and Diana that her marriage with Philip strengthened during that tour.
When Andrew is aghast at Charles's curt assessment of Andrew's irrelevance, on Andrew's wedding day no less, baby brother Edward's response:
Edward: That was impressively cunty.
The back-and-forth battle of wills between Thatcher and the Queen over South African sanctions. At every turn, Thatcher refuses to sign a paper on it, instead crossing the same offending passage with a red marker like a disappointed teacher failing a poor term paper. At one point Thatcher mutters to herself "they must be out of their minds" as she reaches for her red marker.
With each rejection, there are more Commonwealth leaders standing in front of Thatcher groaning at each mark-through.
Finally, Elizabeth gets a "Eureka!" Moment when she realizes what Thatcher is rejecting is the wording, and opines "What we need is not a politician but a writer. Do we have any?" A middle-aged gent - the Queen's press secretary Michael Shea - sitting at the far end of the room looks up with a slim smile on his face. We next see him brainstorming words to use on the proposal, finally coming with a single word "signals" to appease the Prime Minister.
Leading to the visual punchline of all 48 other Commonwealth leaders - so many that they're crowded outside the window desperately peeking in - finally nodding and cheering each other when Thatcher agrees to the new wording.
The Queen's take on Diana's issues with bulimia.
Elizabeth: You're the reason she has psychological problems and eats or doesn't eat or whatever it is she does or doesn't do.
Charles: You are not really in this for the hunting, are you?
Season 5
The montage of Charles' family reading the infamous "Tampongate" transcript, and their ensuing expressions. Anne's takes the cake.
Season 6
The montage of Margaret's adventures in physical therapy, following her first stroke. The whole thing is Black Comedy to the hilt, culminating in one scene where Margaret falls asleep on the couch and her staff earnestly check in on her to see if she's dead... only for her, with her eyes still closed, to bluntly state that she isn't.
Following the "Harry the Nazi" debacle, Philip calls up the costume shop to yell at them...not because the costume was offensive, but because it was inaccurate.
Philip: The German Afrika Korps never wore swastikas!
. He begins reprimanding Townsend's usage of First-Name Basis by calling him "Peter" with scorn, and then finishes it with additional derision.Lascelles: Car Townsend. Waiting. Tic, tic, tic.