Funny / Soap

• When Jodie stashes Chuck's ventriloquist dummy Bob in the refrigerator, Chuck, completely incapable of communicating without the dummy, has a complete meltdown and proceeds to improvise new dummies out of various breakfast items while Jodie attempts to have a very serious conversation with him about the threatening notes he has been receiving from "Bob Campbell". It must be seen to be fully believed.
  • After stuffing Bob into his cold prison, Jodie feigns innocence when Chuck barrels into the kitchen on the verge of panic:
    Jodie: Good morning.
    Chuck: Uh, Jodie, have, uh... have you seen Bob?
    Jodie: Bob who?
    Chuck: Uh... [holds up his hand and mimes working Bob's mouth] Bob! [points to his hand] My Bob.
    Jodie: [holding his hand up in the same gesture] Oh, Bob! [smiles and shakes his head] No. [sits at the kitchen table as Chuck begins hyperventilating]
    Chuck: I don't know what happened, I was in the bathroom, he was still sleeping, and... when I came back he was gone.
    Jodie: Hmmm... maybe he ran away.
  • Noticing Chuck leaning against the fridge, Jodie asks him to sit down and talk, hinting that after their conversation, Bob might re-appear. Desperate to be re-united with his dummy, Chuck agrees... but cannot maintain the conversation without a Bob substitute, so he starts with a grapefruit. Jodie's reaction is hysterical:
    Jodie: Listen, Chuck, recently I've been getting some very nasty notes. [unfolds one and hands it to Chuck] Like that one. That's vicious, Chuck, that hurts. And they're all signed "Bob Campbell".
    Chuck: No!...
    Jodie: Yes.
    Chuck: [tears up the note] Well, I'll have a talk with him! [slams the pieces on the table]
    Jodie: [picks up the torn note; put upon] Chuck... why are you sending me these notes?
    Chuck: What are you talking about, Jodie? You just said Bob was sending these notes!
    Jodie: Chuck... you are Bob.
    Chuck: And if he is, I'm gonna sit down and really give him hell for it, that's for sure.
    Jodie: Chuck, for God's sakes, you can't talk to him, you are him! [Chuck has picked a grapefruit out of the bowl and is digging his fingers into it] Every time I try to talk to you, Bob answers, Chuck!
    Chuck: [turning the grapefruit toward Jodie, revealing he has carved a mouth and two eye holes into the flesh; he squeezes the grapefruit to operate the "mouth" while speaking in falsetto, with minimal lip movement] Hello there! I'm Gregory Grapefruit! [Jodie is utterly baffled] What'sa matter, Jodie, you look upset!
    Jodie: Uh... I'd like to talk to Chuck.
    Chuck: [as Gregory] Well, how 'bout talkin' to me? I'm in season! Sweet, just like Bob!
    Jodie: I understand - oh, I don't believe this, I'm having a conversation with a grapefruit here! [Facepalms, then turns back to Chuck] Chuck! [grabs the grapefruit from Chuck's hand] Look, Chuck, it's food, Chuck, see? Watch. [heads over to a juicer] It's just food. [grinds the grapefruit onto the juicer]
    Chuck: [as Gregory; pained] OOOOOOH! [Jodie is momentarily shocked]
  • So Chuck moves on to a banana ("Ole! As one fruit to another..."), then an English muffin (complete with bad fake English accent) - both of which Jodie bites into to get him to stop - and finally the milk pitcher Jodie has been using for his breakfast. Just as he is starting to throttle Chuck to get him to listen, Burt shows up, and Jodie shifts gears to criticising Chuck's Windsor knot. Burt, meanwhile, takes a dish of bagels out of the fridge, not noticing Bob, and waxes rhapsodic about the difficulty of cutting bagels without severing a finger or getting them into and out of the toaster without electrocution. He decides to put them in the oven, with some butter on top... and finally sees Bob as he opens the fridge again. The cherry on the cake is Bob's conversation with Chuck as they leave...
    Chuck: [as Burt screams and staggers out of the kitchen] Oh my God! Bob! [drags a shivering Bob out of the fridge and puts him on his hand]
    Bob: [to Jodie] You're sick, you know that!? You're really sick! I coulda froze in there! You coulda killed me! [looks between Jodie and Chuck]
    Chuck: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you killed Peter.
    Bob: Yeah. You tried to kill Chuck, freeze me... you're sick, you know that? [to Chuck] You know that little light stays on.
    Chuck: [exiting with Bob] Does it?
    Bob: Yeah...
• Almost any Chuck & Bob/Burt segment, including Burt choking Bob 'Homer Simpson' style and then pushing Bob's head back down into place; and Chuck & Bob's 'Guess the object' routine with a blindfolded Bob.
  Mary: Burt...Chuck can see the object!
  Burt: Yeah, but Bob can't!
  Danny: Is he peeking under there?
• Bob accurately diagnosing Danny's injuries after his shooting, especially the doctor's reaction. It's even funnier because Chuck has NO idea what he's talking about.
• Benson's Snarky attitude gives him quite a few.
  Chester: Benson, Did you put sugar in this coffee?
  Benson: Is it sweet?
  Chester: Very.
  Benson: Then I guess I did.
  Chester: Benson, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm a Diabetic! I can't have sugar!
  Benson: Oh, I keep thinking it's salt you can't have.
  Chester: I can't have salt either.
  Benson: (sarcastically offended) There ain't no salt in it!
• When Bob gets so drunk that he passes out at a bachelor party, the others stick him with the check. (Think about it.)
• Burt thinks about cemeteries:
  • "We take some state that nobody hardly ever uses... like North Dakota. We knock down the mountains, we've got a gigantic cemetery."
  • "Even better than that, listen to this one here! High-rise cemeteries. It looks like one huge filing cabinet!"
  • In Season One (during Peter's funeral) Jessica discusses death and says that they should make cemeteries like the filing systems at the post office.
• Mary's reaction to Burt "turning invisible" while talking to her in the drugstore and her attempts to explain said incident to the Tates. Also serves as a Brick Joke. ^Explanation After the murder of his son Peter, Burt had a nervous breakdown during Season One and believed that he had the ability to turn himself invisible. His apparent "invisibility" during Season Three was actually the result of being beamed back aboard the alien spaceship where he was being held captive while an alien double took his place. It Makes Sense in Context, sort of.
• Everything involving the possessed baby. Especially poor Benson's treatment at the, eh, hands of the demon.
• The events when Benson, Chester, Detective Donahue and The Major break into the cult headquarters to save Jessica's youngest son from them. They sneak in and get caught, so how do they talk their way out of it? Be pretending to be a dance team and performing an audition. Even better, they do a good job of it!
  Benson: Us? We're the Step Brothers, where's the audition?
  Cultist: Audition? Here?
  Benson: Here? If you insist. (starts dancing)
• In Season 3, Danny escapes the wrath of Mel, the mobster who killed his previous wife Elaine, with the help of Mel's girlfriend Millie, whom he promises to marry. However, she soon changes her mind after spending an evening with the Tates and the Campbells, who are throwing a party to welcome Dutch into the family.
  • First, she is propositioned by Bob, who has "distracted" Chuck:
    Bob: ["sitting" on the back of the sofa; Chuck is crouched down out of view] Hi doll, y'wanna get naked?
    Millie: [too shocked to reply for a few seconds] What?... What the - where's Chuck?
    Bob: [lasciviously] D'yeah, whaddaya got in mind?
    Millie: Excuse me, but I think I see someone I know. [walks off]
    Bob: Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. [leans back, yells] Hey, Chuck, did you find it yet?
    Chuck: [appearing from behind the sofa] Uh... no.
    Bob: Well, great, how am I gonna see without one contact lens!?
  • Next, she starts a conversation with Corinne, who is recently separated from Tim:
    Millie: [sitting next to Corinne on the sofa] Hi.
    Corinne: Hi.
    Millie: You seemed to be sitting there so quiet. Is something the matter?
    Corinne: [takes a deep breath] See, my husband was a priest, and he left the Church for me, which made him so guilty that he went to live in a cave, but then our son was born possessed, and he came back to perform the exorcism, and when it was over, I thought it would change things, but no, he wouldn't go near me, he wouldn't touch me, and then the other day he left me! [holds out a hand] I'm Corinne.
    Millie: [shakes her hand hesitantly] Millie.
    Corinne: Nice meeting you.
  • Burt's alien double has been offending everyone all evening by repeatedly asking which of the female guests is "the hot one"; Chester tries and fails to take violent exception to the question when it is directed at his daughters. The ensuing chaos causes his and Burt's father-in-law to further knock Millie off balance:
    Alien Burt: [leers at Corinne and Eunice, then bashes Chester on the upper arm to get his attention] Chet! [does it again] Which one's the hot one?
    Chester: Beg your pardon!?
    Alien Burt: C'mon, which one of these tootsies here is the hot one?
    Chester: How dare you! [spins Alien Burt around, then aims a punch at him, which Alien Burt catches; he shoves Chester back, causing the latter to accidentally backhand Dutch in the stomach, making him spit out his drink and fall over forwards, knocking over a table of food and causing Eunice to rush over to him while Danny restrains Chester]
    The Major: [descends the staircase and fires his sidearm at the ceiling, startling everyone] That's enough, men! Your leave is cancelled! Back to the barracks! [the Tates and Campbells settle down again as the Major spots a dumbstruck Millie] Fifi?! [Millie looks back and forth in confusion] Fifi! What are you doing here?
    Millie: Uh... I'm sorry, but-
    The Major: Fifi, I told you that it had to end, that it was only a wartime fling! You have a husband at the front, I have a wife back home! It was short, it was beautiful, and I shall treasure the moments always, but it's over, Fifi! [grabs her by the upper arms, then takes her hand] Remember me as I will remember you, and let us say farewell. You will live in my heart forever. [kisses her hand tenderly, then his face darkens] And you'd better see a doctor, you gave me some funny foreign thing!
  • This is the last straw for Millie, who breaks off her engagement to Danny. He takes the news well at first, as he is not keen on the idea of marrying her - then she explains her reason, which he takes less well:
    Millie: I'm sorry, Danny, really I am. I like you, and-and you're terrific, and you have one hell of a body, but your entire family is crazy! And in just a matter of time, you're gonna be crazy too! And once you're crazy, I'll probably go crazy! And I don't wanna go crazy! They finally found the right colour for my hair! So Danny, I don't wanna go crazy. [walks toward the front door]
    Danny: But you saved my life!
    Millie: [turns back] Oh, it's all right, any time.
    Danny: Well, what are you gonna do?
    Millie: Um, oh, I'll probably become a manicurist. I've got a flair for it. Well, uh, goodbye Danny, and-and thank you. [shakes his hand]
    Danny: [as she leaves through the front door] Yeah, goodbye. [walks over to the sofa and sits next to Mary] Hey, Mom? Ma, do you think our family's crazy?
    Mary: [looks at Alien Burt, who is trying to light and smoke a pickle spear as if it were a cigar and seems confused that it isn't working] Crazy? Crazy? [laughs madly as she gets up and walks over to the staircase]
    Danny: Mom? [to Jessica, who has reacted with concern to Mary's laughter] Aunt Jessie?
    Jessica: Yes, what?
    Danny: Do you think our family's crazy?
    The Major: [runs over to a fruit bowl] HIT THE DECK, EVERYBODY! [grabs a pineapple] IT'S A GRENADE! [runs over to the window next to Chuck and Bob and throws the pineapple straight through the glass, then falls to the floor, face down]
    Chester: [sighing] Major, look what you've done...
    [KA-BOOM!!]
    Dutch: [rushes over to the window] Ah, the gas main they were workin' on down the street, it blew up.
    Jessica: [clasping her hands in relief] Ahh... thank goodness, I thought it was the pineapple. Danny, what was your question?
    Danny: ... Never mind.

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