Funny / Sneakers

• Mother's constant conversations regarding various conspiracy theories, not to mention Donald's disgust with it.
  Mother: Were you still in C.I.A. in '72?
  Donald: Yeah, why?
  Mother: Did you know the Deputy Director of Planning was down in Managua, Nicaragua the day before the earthquake?
  Donald: Now what are you saying, the C.I.A. caused the Managua earthquake?
  Mother: Well, I can't prove it, but...
  • Later, he accuses the government of allowing aliens to mutilate cattle in exchange for technology. Then, during a quiet moment...
  Mother: Cattle mutilations are up.
  Donald: Don't.
  Mother: Sorry.
• Carl tells Martin that he got the complete blueprints of their target building from the county recorder's office for fifty bucks.
  Martin: Where'd you get the fifty bucks?
  Carl: Took it from Mother's wallet.
  Martin: Good.
  • What really sells this is the "good boy" tone that Martin uses when he says this, probably because it's as much "You didn't take it from my wallet this time - you're learning!"
• Bish walks in to a fancy school with fancy piano music playing, like super complicated. He smiles when he sees his ex-girlfriend sitting at the piano. Her face turns to him and goes blank. The fancy piano music keeps going. Bish is confused af. Then he walks forward a bit more and sees it's Liz's student playing and she's there to teach.
  • Earlier, the team asks Martin who he wants to go with him to the target's lecture on large number theory. Whistler, Pearce?
  Bish: Uh, no, no that's okay, I, I thought I'd ask Liz.
  (The rest of the team turns and stares in "the fuck you doin'".)
• During a break-in, Martin turns around to see the girlfriend of the theft victim walking in the door. Mission Control (by Playing Cyrano) helps him lie his way out of the conversation... and then they nearly ruin it.
  Crease and Whistler (as Mission Control): If you love him...
  Martin: If you love him... if you really love him... then just keep on, loving him. And never let him know, that you know, what he thinks you don't know, you know. You know?
  Mission Control (quickly): And give him head whenever he wants.
  Martin: And give him heh— Help. Be a... Be a beacon, in his sad and, lonely life.
  (Dr. Rhyzkov leaves.)
  Martin: Give him head?
  Mission Control: Be a beacon? (They bust out laughing.)
• Bish realizes "SETEC ASTRONOMY" doesn't mean anything, then he and Liz spend a few minutes with the Scrabble board trying to decode it...
  Scrabble: COOTYS RAT SEMEN
  Bish: Uh...
  Liz: No.
• The repeated blackmailing of Mr. Abbott at the end of the film, which turns a serious negotiation into farce.
  Mother: I want a Winnebago.
  Abbott: What?!
  Mother: Fully equipped. Big kitchen, water bed, AM/FM CD, microwave.
  Abbott: It's not a car dealership, pal!
  Bish: He wants a Winnebago.
  Abbott (after a beat): All right. A Winnebago.
  Mother: Thank you. Burgundy interior.

  Crease: Ah, I have never taken my wife to Europe.
  Abbott: I'm sorry to hear it. Give me the box.
  Crease: You will buy me two round-trip, first-class tickets to Athens, Lisbon, Madrid, and Scotland.
  Bish: Don't forget Tahiti.
  Crease: And Tahiti.
  Abbott: Tahiti is not in Europe!
  Carl: Excuse me. When you get the box, you give us geography lessons. Until then, this man goes to Tahiti.
  Abbott after another beat): Fine! Tahiti!

  Carl: The young lady with the Uzi... She single?
  Bish: Y'know, Carl, excuse us. (He drags Carl aside.) This is the brass ring. Now you've got to think bigger thoughts.
  Carl: I just want her telephone number.
  Martin (to Abbot): How about a lunch? You can chaperone.
  Abbott: No. I will not do this.
  (The other NSA agents crack up laughing, it's that funny.)
  Martin: Hey, Abby, Abby. Come on, the FBI would give him twins.
  Abbott: NO!!
  NSA Girl: Wait a second. You can have anything you want, and you're asking for my phone number?
  Carl: Yes.
  NSA Girl: 2739164, area code 415.
  Carl: I'm Carl.
  NSA Girl: I'm Mary.
  Abbott: I'm going to be sick.

  Whistler (speaking to where Abbott was previously standing): I want peace on Earth and good will toward men.
  Abbott: Oh, this is ridiculous.
  Bish: No, he's serious.
  Whistler (facing Abbott now): I want peace on Earth and good will toward men.
  Abbott: We are the United States government! We don't do that sort of thing.
  Bish: You'll just have to try.
  Abbott: All right. I'll see what we can do.
  Whistler: Thank you. It's all I ask.
  • And at the last, when everyone else has gotten their "concessions" from Abbott:
  Abbott (to Liz, in complete exasperation): What about you?
  Liz (waving a hand casually): Oh, I'm fine.
• Early in the movie, the team is (test) robbing a bank, and Carl effortlessly leaps over a desk as they run through the lobby. Martin tries to follow and ends up crashing to the floor on the other side.
  • After he crashes, Don runs around to check on him and Martin gets up, muttering that he's "getting too old for this shit".
• Whistler reading a braille version of Playboy. In his case, he really IS reading it for the articles!
• Martin faces an unpickable keypad lock, but is told there's one thing he can try... kicking the door in. It works.
  • Doubly funny in that Martin is clearly listening to a long explanation from Crease before kicking. Either Crease was going through the details of the keypad before finally letting him know that a well-placed kick would beat it, or Martin was irritated with the complexity required to actually defeat the keypad and just decided on Cutting the Knot. This also means that his comment of "it worked" could either be taken in earnest respect for the solution (in the case of the former) or sarcasm at the impracticality of a lengthy lock-picking session (in the latter interpretation).
• When the crew is helping Martin find out where he was taken by using sound cues he heard when he was locked in the trunk, he notes what he heard sounded like a "cocktail party" near the end of the ride, with a bunch of people talking. The crew eventually gets to the spot he was speaking of...which turns out to be a massive flock of geese.
  Whistler: Very good, Bish. Remind me to make you an honorary blind person.
• Carl's rescue of Bish and Liz offer pause for a couple of moments.
  • First, Bish's signal for help is just the word "now". Buddy is a little confused when Bish repeats it twice out of context until he decides that he's just going to shoot Bish in the face to get it over with. Bish has to finally holler "Carl, now!" to let Carl know they need their asses saved immediately.
  • After the chaos has allowed Bish to get the shotgun, you can see the look of frustration on Bish's face as he fights the urge to shoot Buddy and decides to repay him for the two knockout blows Buddy gave him earlier in the movie.
  • Third, Bish berating Carl:
  Bish (after knocking out Buddy): Carl, what the hell kept you!?
  Carl (indignantly): That's not easy, what I just did!
  Liz: Guys, can we just get out of here?
• Whistler driving. He actually gets a thrill from it until his attempt to stop results in him bouncing the front end of the van against the building's exterior wall.
  Whistler: [dazed] Ugh... Oh, I think I'll just stop here...
  • When Carl and Liz run to the van, Whistler asks them "Where to?" only to have Carl tell him to get in the back.
  • At the start of the scene, Whistler suddenly driving off gives Crease an opportunity to wrest the shotgun from one of the security staff holding him and Mother and knock them to the ground. Seeing as how Whistler is blind, Mother asks a very poignant question afterwards.
  Crease: Motherfuckers mess with me, I split yo' head!
  Mother: Uh, Crease. (Beat.) Where's Whistler going?
• Early in the movie, when the team is staking out Dr. Janek's apartment, Dr. Janek's girlfriend Dr. Rhyzkov shows up and tries to have sex with him. Carl promptly (afterhilariously popping into the frame behind Martin) asks if he can watch, and the others exasperatedly tell him to "grow up!". Crease then asks Bish to let him take the camera. After he gets uncomfortable (when Rhyzkov takes her jacket off) he walks away wagging an admonishing finger at Carl, who promptly leaps on the camera.
• When planning the break-in to Cosmo's office, Mother and Crease's deadpan description of just how dangerous Martin's job will be, and Martin trying to call a halt and ask exactly when he Got Volunteered:
  Mother: Either way, you've got a top speed of two inches per second. Any faster than that... (alarm buzzes) And, uh, big guys with guns. But you'll probably do fine!
  ...
  Crease: (with mock envy) You get all the fun stuff...
• During the actual break-in, a Spanner in the Works appears in the form of Werner pulling into the building with Liz in tow.
  Crease: (over radio) Martin? I think you'd better hurry.
  Martin: (in the middle of Cosmo's motion-sensor covered office, moving at two inches per second; through his teeth) The one thing I can't do is hurry!

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