Funny / SF Debris - Star Trek: Discovery

Season 1

• From "The Vulcan Hello":
  • Chuck finding Saru quite the scaredy-cat:
    Chuck: Saru thinks [going out in a spacesuit] is suicidally risky, but he thinks the same of crossing a street with a flashing "Don't Walk" sign and ordering a pizza with a credit card over the Internet.
  • The crew of the Shenzhou notes how the Federation hasn't heard from the Klingon in about a century:
    Chuck: I suppose without Archer running around provoking them, things were finally able to calm down.
• Georgiou: Starfleet doesn't fire first.
  Chuck: Admiral Han Solo made that rule and we'll stick to it.
• From "Battle at the Binary Stars":
  • "Previously on Discovery, there was no sign of the Discovery. Now back to the story."
  • Chuck notes that Burnham was able to talk her way out of the brig to avoid death, while Jake in "Valiant" was nearly killed because the brig wouldn't release him even though the ship was falling apart. He concludes that, since Sisko designed the Defiant-class, the brig must be programmed to only release prisoners in the event Sisko wants to punch them.
  • When Captain Georgiou bites it during her scuffle with T'Kuvma, Chuck brings up the Star Trek franchise's less than stellar track record regarding the lifespan of female captains.
    Chuck: I like Georgiou... but I should probably have seen that coming. Female starship captains, they have a mortality rate that would shock a Red Shirt. Hell, Janeway had her own show, and she was still killed, like, a dozen times on that series.
• From "Context is for Kings":
  • Chuck addresses the identity politics issue of Burnham being a black woman because otherwise he'd have to make "Saru is a cow" jokes for the whole episode. He repeats that joke twice at random points.
  • Explaining the show taking Darker and Edgier perhaps a bit too literally:
    Chuck: The lighting on this show, which is frequently dark, is justified because thanks to a recent injury, he has difficulty coping with bright light. Also, you should never feed the Captain after midnight.
  • Chuck marvels at how Discovery has brought characters from all walks of life together... as assholes.
  • Chuck expects a good explanation for Burnham being the unheard-of foster daughter of Sarek, because not getting one would be as ridiculous as Starfleet blowing up the only other prototype of their advanced drive system. Cut to that happening. Then he jokes about making a pet out of the monster. Another cut.
    Chuck: That's it. That's it, I'm done.
• From "The Butcher's Knife Cares Not for the Lamb's Cry":
  • Chuck compares Saru's threat ganglia to an unwanted boner, only difference is everyone can see it and know that you're a scaredy cat.
  • Relating to the contents of Captain Lorca's quarters:
    Chuck: Lorca's room here is filled with incredibly dangerous things: weapons, skeletons, a Samsung phone, nothing is too dangerous to consider in his pursuit of the perfect tools to win this war.
  • Chuck muses that duct tape can do anything, even attach the head back onto the Klingons' ship.
• From "Choose Your Pain":
  • Archer's name comes up on the list of most decorated captains.
    Chuck: (singing) One of these things is not like the others. Which one is different, do you know?
    • Chuck later reasons that Archer probably demanded that his boy scout badges were to be counted in as official Starfleet awards.
  • If you've seen the rest of Discovery, this line:
    Chuck: But it is still pretty damn cold-blooded to leave a civilian, even one that's betrayed them, to the Klingons. You'd think two Starfleet Officers would have higher ideals than that.
  • His response to the Wham Shot at the end of the episode. "We've got nothing to worry about....except the demons."
• From "Lethe":
  • Tilly is training for the officers program by jogging down the halls with Burnham. Chuck immediately draws another conclusion.
    Chuck: She has to get into the officers program. And that is the only reason why we're watching her jog. Yes, sir, because we wanna support Titty—uh, Tilly.
• From "Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad":
  • After seeing how Stamets acted with Michael and Ash, Chuck reminds him "You're supposed to work with the magic mushrooms, Stamets, not eat them."
  • When Harry Mudd shows up:
    Chuck: That's right, Jonah is back! And he's a cyborg out for revenge! Actually, I'd watch that movie.
  • When the Spore Drive is overloaded and destroys the ship, Chuck notes that Stamets just put himself in the unfavorable company of Neelix by destroying the ship with food.
  • While commenting on how Mudd shooting everyone in cold blood seems as out of place as, say, Mr. Burns suddenly snapping someone's neck, the screen cuts to black at the sound of a neck breaking, followed by a body hitting the floor, and an especially evil "Excellent."
• From "Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum":
  • Chuck speculating on how L'Rell would torture Cornwell by building some IKEA furniture and reading the instructions out loud.
• From "Into the Forest I Go":
  • Chuck muses that he didn't think that the Star Trek franchise would take his humorous quip that Memory Alpha should step up its game in its article about breasts as a challenge.
• From "Despite Yourself":
  • The episode description: Opinionated Discovery Episode Guide makes a return as we head into an unexpected yet familiar place; check your chin if you're not sure.
  • Chuck tells us to not assume that "Despite Yourself" was not a last minute change from "Go Fuck Yourself".
• From "The Wolf Inside":
  • Chuck is greatly annoyed when Tilly suggest using the fungi of the spore drive in the treatment of Stamets, as she claims that fungus is "the only organism with the biological aptitude to link life and death":
    Chuck: What a crock of shit. "Mushrooms are the new crystals," huh? It's like New Age philosophy for people who think that New Age philosophy is too grounded in hard science for them. Someone did manage to go find a scientist, who said "Mmm-well, in a sense. It's true that fungi consume the dead, and so you could say they are a link." But then that reasoning means that, say, vultures are also a link between death and life. Which means the only qualifier goes away. And if it didn't go away, I don't think they're helping Stamets by eating his brain, do you? Eating his brain is probably the worst medical treatment you could give him! Who is the science consultant on this show?! And why are they so certain that the multiverse works by fungi, huh? What are they going to say next? That you can tap into the power of the Matrix by using your yeast infection?
  • The review then ends with a montage of various scientific inaccuracies in the Star Trek franchise with Sam Cooke's "What A Wonderful World" playing over it. ("Don't know much about...")
• From "Vaulting Ambition":
  • Chuck is explaining about how Michael can prove to Emperor Georgiou that she's from an alternate universe:
    So, that means the execution is off, right? (Georgiou kills almost everyone else in the room) Ah, how silly of me. You know, the Mirror Universe is the only place where a public execution begins "Can I please have a volunteer from the audience?"
  • After the big reveal of Lorca's origins, Chuck cuts to Chakotay mocking the Discovery crew for missing all the obvious signs, while oblivious to Janeway nervously laughing along.
• From "What's Past is Prologue":
  • Chuck once again thoroughly slams the whole Spore Drive idea, noting that when held against Mirror Lorca's villainous motivations, the whole thing reeks of Arbitrary Skepticism:
    Chuck: Lorca is presented as delusional, because he believes in destiny... In a world that insists that all life and the forces of life are connected to fungus. This is like saying that organised religion is backwards and hopeless, because you know that God is a guy named "Kim", who works at the Chinese laundry. "I will wash their robes and make them white." "I know you will, man! I know it!"
  • The reason why Saru doesn't sense the coming of death is "Because I am getting the hell off this ship. Good luck with the mission, dipsticks!"
  • His frustration with Michael's insistence on rescuing the Emperor, a planet destroying, torturing, racist despot... because she looks like Michael's old mentor.
    Chuck: Still, at least we brought along a totalitarian psychopath! And yes I am belaboring that point, because I feel you kinda have to when you just rescued Emperor Palpatine! Actually, scratch that, Palpatine did a lot of things, but I don't think he actually ate anybody!
• From "The War Without, The War Within":
  • The entire conversation about imposters:
    Sarek: (after having mind-melded with Saru) Don't worry, Admiral. There are no imposters here.
    Saru: Of course not! Don't be ridiculous! ...Oh, except for the Klingon double agent that was actually our security chief.
    Vice-Admiral Cornwell: What?!
    Michael: Yes... But don't worry, it was just the one.
    Sarek: We should head to the brig and question him.
    Saru: Uhm, I've kind of let him, uh... have a little space. Kind of an "honor system" thing.
    Vice-Admiral Cornwell: Idiot! Who knows if there is any more imposters onboard?!
    Saru: Well, there aren't any! ...Oh, uh, except Philippa Georgiou. We've picked her up in the universe where everyone is evil. And also; she likes to eat people.
    Vice-Admiral Cornwell: What the—?! Fine, fine! Let's go to the brig, and I'll question her then.
    Saru: Uhm, actually, she is not in the—
    Sarek: How is it that someone who can't stop talking about how he can "sense the coming of death" has done so much to invite it?
    Vice-Admiral Cornwell: This "Georgiou"... You didn't get involved in the internal matters of another culture brining her here, right?
    Saru: Well...
    Vice-Admiral Cornwell: I guess this means you've violated the Prime Detective?
    Michael: I-it was my idea to save the Emperor from assassins—
    Vice-Admiral Cornwell: Assassins?! Emperor!?! Why the hell didn't Captain Lorca stop you!?
    Saru: Oh... Yeah... Sorry! Uh, we forgot. He was an imposter too...
    Michael: But he was one since before he took command, so, I don't really think that should count.
    Saru: Yeah! And he was gone anyway! A-after figuring out how to defeat the Klingon cloak, he returned to his evil universe. We've been running things since then.
    Sarek: ...So this ship was running more smoothly when you had an evil imposter in charge?
    Saru: Uhm... Well...
    Vice-Admiral Cornwell: This is the first time when finding we have an extra warship means we're less likely to win the war! Lets head to the conference room, and try not to fuck up on the universe on our way there!
  • This series carries on the tradition of making the Saratoga Starfleet's bitch.
• From "Will You Take My Hand?":
  • Chuck's reaction to seeing the Enterprise NCC-1701:
    Chuck: Well twist my nips and call me a Romulan.

Season 2

• From "Brother":
  • Chuck is pleasantly surprised to see that the Bridge Bunnies actually get some characterization, even if it is not very much:
    Chuck: What are you doing? Speaking a line that says you're not a bridge drone? I'm starting to think you worker bees might actually have a life when you're not keeping those seats warm.
  • As Pike announces that he is taking command of Discovery:
    Pike: I saw the way things were going and frankly, I have no idea how you rubes aren't already dead.
• From "New Eden"
  • Stamets talks to Tilly about how he saw Culber's ghost in the mycelial network, and admits that he know it sounds crazy. Chuck notices how this very much comes across as Arbitrary Skepticism:
    Chuck: Right now Stamets is thinking that Hugh was actually in there; helping him. As opposed to just a figment of his imagination. That is, of course, ridiculous. So shut up and make the ship teleport using mushrooms, you loon!
• From "Point of Light":
  • Chuck noticing that the series' liberal use of technocranes is beginning to become a distraction:
    Chuck: This is just me speculating, but I think, since they have the tool anyway, the directors of Discovery are using it to try to make their shots of mundane scenes more interesting. If so, they are mostly distracting me, because I wonder things like, say: "Why are they filming a scene upside down?" Apparently, Discovery has taken inspiration from YouTube videos trying to get around copyright robots.
    • An especially egregious technocrane shot happens:
      Chuck: (pretentious art-critic voice) Yes, I really must say, upon examining this, the way that you have this scene pan sideways and then straightened up, really establishes to the audience... that you found a new toy to play with.
  • A frustrated Ash questions L'Rell on why she insists on speak English to him. Chuck is... less than enthused:
    Chuck: No, please, don't. I didn't it was possible, but Discovery has made even me, a nerd among nerds, go: "Dial the Klingon a little back, would ya?"
  • Amanda claims to Pike that she was the one who taught Michael to be stubborn and persistent:
    Chuck: Damn... And I used to like Amanda.
• From "An Obol for Charon":
  • As Reno and Stamets engage in a prolonged bout of Passive-Aggressive Kombat:
    Chuck: (exasperated) Oh, great. The irascible force has met the delusional object.
  • Chuck discusses how the living planetoid is try to communicate:
    Chuck: The creature, though, has first-hand knowledge from a hundred-thousand years of history, and it looks like it is ready to share some of that. Although, with what it is doing to the ship, we need that like we need a hole in the head.
    (cut to Stamets drilling a hole in Tilly's skull)
    Chuck: I forgot. That's just another day at the office on Discovery.
• From "Saints of Imperfection":
  • Chuck is ticked off by the episode's Opening Monologue:
    Michael: Words define who we are...
    Chuck: (audibly annoyed) Oh, shut it already. (grumbles)
    Michael: ...Orphan. Widower...
    Chuck: Especially because I take issue with that. Either it's saying that our labels define us, so basically we are the stereotypes of those terms. Or, the more likely, Michael is giving us the profound insight that... (dramatic pause) words exist.
  • Discovery catches up with what they believe is Spock's ship:
    Chuck: [Spock] is apparently in a fighting posture, so Pike tries talking him down.
    (Spock's ship fires a bomb at Discovery)
    Chuck: Alright... That's a Natural 1 for your Persuasion roll.
• From "Light and Shadows"
  • Chuck remains very annoyed at Michael's attempts at waxing philosophical:
    Michael: My mother taught me the greatest mysteries come in threes. Birth, life, death. The past, the present.... and future.
    Chuck: (extremely tired-sounding) More amateur-hour navel gazing. (sighs) That one doesn't even make any fucking sense! Where are we going from here with this stuff? (imitating Michael) "Existence is defined by our driver's licenses. For our self-images there, alongside our name and... our limitations."
  • When the crazy and rambling Spock appears:
    Chuck: It's like his brain has sprung a leak and all the info is just dripping out... I probably shouldn't say it. The way they go with analogies around here, they'll probably go looking for a cork to stick in his head.
• From "If Memory Serves":
  • Following the recap at the beginning, Chuck is immediately disheartened when the first proper shot of the episode passes by:
    Chuck: Still farting around with that technocrane? I should have expected nothing less.
  • Chuck notes that Stamets does have a point in suggesting that Ash is transferred to another deck, for Dr. Culber's sake:
    Chuck: ...Having to ride the turbo-lift with your own murderer could really make trip to work uncomfortable.
    Ash: Uh, you look tense, Doctor. Would you like me to give you a neck-rub?
  • Dr. Culber confronts Ash in the cafeteria in full-on Tranquil Fury mode:
    Chuck: I guess taking the last Ben & Jerry's was the straw that broke the camel's back...
  • Saru tries to argue that letting the fight between Dr. Culber and Ash play out was the right thing to do, because it was a highly unusual situation and the official Starfleet manual on conflict-resolution probably didn't have anything to say about it:
    Chuck: Well, true. But I think it has at least one or two things to say about crewmembers not being allowed to kick the shit out of each other. If not, it's a wonder the corridors of Discovery aren't filled with people welding broken beer bottles and pool cues. [...] But given how everything's shirked out, [Pike] has decided he's going to ignore the behavior of everybody this time. But if we could kindly spread the word that the Military Code of Conduct does not have a section titled "Interpersonal Conflicts: How to Put the Hurt on That Little Bitch!"
    • Chuck also takes time to point out the full absurdity of the situation:
      Chuck: And if the fight between the Manchurian Candidate and a mushroom zombie refereed by the galaxy's most militant cow wasn't weird enough for you...
  • Michael casually mentions that the technology Leland wanted to use on Spock was of Terran origin:
    Chuck: Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag. So much for keeping the Mirror Universe a secret...
• From "Project Daedalus":
  • Airiam asks Nhan a very suspicious question. Nhan doesn't seem to find it nearly as strange and disturbing as she should:
    Airiam: Your species is Barzan? Yes?
    Nhan: Yes.
    Airiam: Your augmentation allows you to breath in our atmosphere?
    Nhan: And why are you asking?
    Airiam: ...Curiosity.
    Chuck (as Airiam): (monotone) Saving to Murder Protocol folder. Initiate Evil Laugh subroutine. Ha. Ha. Ha.
  • When Discovery has problems navigating the minefield, Chuck brings in a clip from the classic Galaxy Quest:
    Dane: COULD YOU POSSIBLY TRY NOT! TO! HIT! EVERY SINGLE ONE!?!
• From "The Red Angel":
  • Airiam's memorial service takes place:
    Saru: On Kaminar, we sing songs of remembrance for those who have been taken from us too soon. This is a song of remembrance for Airiam.
    ("The Chicken Dance" starts being blasted over the speakers)
    Chuck (as Saru): No! Sorry! Next track!
  • Chuck: Philippa Georgiou: Mirror Universe Marriage Councillor! ...Much better than her cooking show, certainly.
• From "Through the Valley of Shadows":
  • Chuck is less than enthused when Ash and L'Rell start loudly arguing in Klingon.
    Chuck: (pained) Oh, I did not miss this. Thanks bringing it back for arguing with your girlfriend. (normal voice) Pike finally steps in to say that he'll go. It is the safer option, and — far more importantly to the future of the galaxy — it will get these two to shut the fuck up.
  • Chuck muses about the writing process for Season 2 of Discovery:
    Alex Kurtzman: Okay, Season 2 here. We need to fix all the little details from there. I think that Michael needs to be louder, and angrier. Oh! And should also have access to a time machine. And, when she's not on screen, everybody should be wondering where Michael is. Man, I'm a genius! Only a genius can come up with a plan like this!
    (cut to the referenced Simpsons clip)
• From "Such Sweet Sorrow, Part 1":
  • Michael is deeply moved by the vote of confidence from the crew, as they plan to go the future with her, and is about to protest, but Saru cuts her off:
    Saru: I'm sure what you're about to say will be beautiful... But it is done, Michael.
    Chuck (as Michael): Huh...? I mean, yes! Yes, yes, far too beautiful to say out loud in this ugly moment! But keep the nugget to yourself!
  • Pike makes his It Has Been an Honor speech as he prepairs to depart the ship:
    Pike: You are exceptional officers. Exceptional individuals. Every single one of you...
    Chuck (as Pike): ...Except, of course, for Ash.
    (the Discovery crew murmurs in agreement)
• From "Such Sweet Sorrow, Part 2":
  • Saru's sister joins the space battle, promising to "fight as a Kelpien!"
    Chuck: That is not very comforting, coming from a species whose motto is "I can sense the coming of death."
  • With both Discovery and Picard featuring evil AIs as the Big Bad, Chuck speculates that Elon Musk must be running the franchise now.

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