Funny / Percy Weasley and The Prefect Job That Isn't A Vanity Role

Year One

• McGonagall considered making Oliver Wood the new Gryffindor Prefect... for all of two minutes before turning green at the thought of what a Quidditch fanatic like him would do in such a position and giving Percy the spot instead.
• Informing the Heads of House about students attempting to start duels is a long-standing duty for Prefects at Hogwarts, as the alternative is the staff being caught unawares "by the eruption of a long-standing feud the first day of the culprits' fourth year".
• When Dilwyn Greengrass is informed that Draco Malfoy was trying to bait Harry Potter into a duel, he responds by giving Percy a Thousand-Yard Stare and saying "I'll strangle that little shit." What follows is an explanation of how Draco has been driving his fellow Slytherins and their Prefect crazy.
  Draco had so far: demanded a private room, attempted to test all the beds to select the one "most befitting of his status", complained about Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott refusing to let him do that, refused to go to bed at lights out "like a baby", complained that his bed was itchy, complained that his bed was too cold ("Probably because you're not IN IT," Dilwyn said at this point), and said about fifty rude things about Potter. It was the THIRD DAY.
  
  Dilwyn regrets everything, but mostly that the Malfoys didn't use birth control the year Draco happened.
• Percy begins submitting complaints about Snape's bias against Gryffindor after Harry's first Potions class. Said complaints continue to be filed weekly until Percy graduates.
• Percy submits a Complaint of Bias against his own Head of House for getting Harry a racing broom. McGonagall responds by laughing and giving herself a toast for her excellent selection of a Prefect.
• Percy manages to cow Agusta Longbottom into getting her grandson Neville his own wand instead of making him use his father's. The narration then notes that everything up to and including this point has happened within one month.
  WE HAVEN'T EVEN REACHED THE END OF SEPTEMBER.
• Harry's first Quidditch match stresses out Percy and Hypatia Bloom incredibly, as it included Neville getting sent to the Hospital Wing after trying to fight Crabbe and Goyle, Harry's broom trying to kill him, and Hermione sneaking out of the teachers' stands after Snape's robes ignited. They both decide that when they turn seventeen they're going to get incredibly drunk, thus forming the Drunken Alliance.
• Dilwyn drags Draco off by the ear (which the narration notes will become a repeat occurrence) for making fun of people who are staying at Hogwarts over the winter holidays. He tells Draco to knock it off, on threat of writing to his mother to tell her "that Draco is using her letters and care packages to bully war orphans."
• The dragon situation leading into a massive loss of House Points and the Forbidden Forest detention is averted because Percy reads into what's most likely to have happened given the behavior of adolescents rather than Draco's seemingly-outlandish story about there being a real dragon. He assumes that Draco made up a story about being able to see dragons at night, Harry and Hermione bought into it and went to see for themselves, and Neville didn't hear the whole story and went to warn them about there being dragons. In the end, the only thing that happens is the students each losing a few points for being out of their dorms past curfew, plus Draco losing some additional points for presumably lying.
• Dilwyn doesn't care whether there was actually a dragon or not; he's just upset that Draco's story pulled him away from working on an essay late at night and he now has to stay up even later to finish it, and neither of them should have been trying to do anything with dragons in the first place because that's something for the professors to handle. The whole incident gets Dilwyn invited to join the Drunken Alliance.
  Dilwyn: A dragon is a kick-it-up-the-chain problem and NEITHER of us should have ended up dealing with this shit in the middle of the night, and if I find out you did this again I will BOOT YOU INTO THE SUN WE ARE ABOUT TO SEE RISE TOGETHER ON THIS FINE, FINE EARLY WEDNESDAY MORNING.
• At the end of the chapter, some additional struggles of the other two Prefects are noted.
  • Hypatia has a hard time getting Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil to stop picking on Hermione for being studious and to see her as a nerdy sister, despite Parvati's actual sister being in the House associated with nerds.
  • Hypatia also has to convince Hermione that going over the length limit for school assignments is only inconveniencing the professors who have to grade her work.
  • Dilwyn tries to get Crabbe and Goyle to have a social life outside of being Draco's cronies, to little success; the Ravenclaws in their year don't have the patience to deal with them, and the only Hufflepuffs Crabbe and Goyle are nice to are also "arrogant little pureblood snobs" like themselves.

Year Two

• Percy hopes that Dobby intercepting Harry's mail and warning him about doom at Hogwarts will ultimately be nobody's problem, especially not the problem of himself or Dil. The narration bluntly states he's wrong on all counts.
• Percy notices that Harry and Ron didn't make it into Platform 9 3/4 and tells his mother, who Apparates out of the station and grabs the two by the scruffs of their shirts just as they're making towards the family's flying car.
• Between the usual complaints about Snape, reporting Lockhart's harassment of Harry, and griping about Snape double-booking the Quidditch pitch for Slytherin practice, Percy's filing a lot of Complaints of Bias this year.
• Percy wishes that the new male Gryffindor Prefect would exert more control over Colin Creevy because his constantly shoving his camera in people's faces is going to blind someone. When Colin gets Petrified, the narration notes that fortunately for him, the new Prefect never managed to get Colin to lay off with the camera.
• When Draco makes a snide remark about Harry supposedly signing autographs, Dil asks Draco if he's making the comment because he wants an autograph. When Draco loudly tells him no, Dil tells him to knock it off and let Percy handle the situation if "Potter's fame goes to his head".
• Draco launches into his canon taunting about the "Enemies of the Heir, Beware!" message, only for Dilwyn to once again drag him off by the ear and write to Narcissa Malfoy about her son stirring up trouble.
  Dear Mrs. Malfoy, I regret to inform you that your son is attempting to fuel rumors implicating himself and your family in homicidal threats, Regards, Dilwyn Greengrass.
• When Draco conjures up a snake at Harry at the Dueling Club, both their respective prefects haul the boys off to nip the situation in the bud. Percy extracted Harry because they're going to need to do a lot of damage control, but Dilwyn is upset with Draco for throwing a venomous snake at another student.
  Dil has Draco off the stage and halfway out a DIFFERENT door at the same time, but HE'S yelling at Draco about throwing venomous snakes at people and did he even know what that spell did, WHAT SORT OF IDIOT THROWS VENOMOUS SNAKES AT PEOPLE ON PURPOSE, no I do NOT CARE what Snape told you, I don't care if Merlin himself came down on a silver cloud and handed you a golden command to do it you DON'T THROW SNAKES AT PEOPLE, Dear Mrs. Malfoy
• The Dueling Club incident results in Dilwyn using "Dear Mrs. Malfoy" as an oath instead of the more typical "good lord" or "dear Merlin".
• Dil is still struggling to get Crabbe and Goyle to be more social, which he vents about while drunk and brings up the possibility of giving the two detention every time they're around Malfoy. Hypatia suggests encouraging them to hang out with Luna Lovegood instead, which Dil immediately takes to the idea of; Percy is unsure about what part of the proposal is making him feel queasy.
• Hypatia is outraged that Hermione decided to brew Polyjuice Potion in an unused bathroom and spends the next three weekends going over lab safety and hygiene with her.
• Hypatia tries to dissuade Hermione from taking so many classes in third year, telling her she can study the content in her own time and audit the classes for less academic pressure. When Hermione still refuses to give in, Hypatia tells her she has double the lifespan of a muggle to study everything she wants.
• Harry and Ron are bailed out from Aragog by the centaur herd. Although Firenze doesn't want to return them to the castle and the monster roaming within, Bane "is all for kicking them back in with hoofprints on their asses."
• The school brings in an art historian and a Cursebreaker to look at the Chamber of Secrets. While they're impressed with most of the Chamber's construction, they're disappointed by the shoddy quality of the giant Salazar Slytherin statue and proceed to critique it.
  It's CLEARLY a grandiose cheap copy of the Founder's portrait, which itself was an Elizabethan rendition of the Founder most likely taken from a text description rather than a contemporaneous image or tomb effigy if he even had one. Look at this, it's made of limestone, it's degrading already. Can't be more than a century old, maybe two if the creator's preservation charms were better than their Transfiguration work. This is good for OWL-level stuff but wouldn't pass a NEWT.
• Draco is forbidden from taking part in restoring the Chamber of Secrets, as Dil tells him he'll likely just get someone bitten by a snake.
• The Basilisk is named Basil for the sake of a pun.
  Well what else would you call a basil-isk?

Year Three

• Percy returns from his family vacation in Egypt to find Dil and Hypatia standing outside the Burrow with a crate of gin and dour expressions. As he chugs the gin, they tell him that Sirius Black escaped from prison and Harry ran away to Diagon Alley while he was gone, with Molly Weasley loudly chiming in from inside the house with concerned outrage about the situation.
  Percy: Can I at least get inside before you finish telling me the bad news?
• When Dil asks Percy about how the Egypt trip went, he mentions that the twins shut him in a pyramid on his birthday and it was actually quite relaxing. Dil responds with "They what", then tells Percy he really needs to move out and away from his crazy family.
• Draco is pulled away by the ear when he makes fun of Harry for fainting in the Dementor's presence. Dil is thoroughly tired of Draco's shit by this point and wishes he'd just grow up already.
• Hypatia finds out Hermione didn't take her advice and is using a Time-Turner to keep up with all the classes she's in. She asks to see Hermione's schedule, then clarifies that she meant her personal everyday schedule when she's handed her class schedule; when Hermione reveals she didn't even think about that, Hypatia headdesks.
  Hypatia: All right, let's see your schedule.
  [confused, Hermione gives Hypatia her class schedule]
  Hypatia: No, your personal schedule. Your plan for when you're going to do all the homework and socialize and sleep.
  Hermione: My what?
• The summary of the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff Quidditch match takes all of two lines, yet perfectly encapsulates what's stressing Percy out.
  Percy is going to kill Oliver and the Hufflepuff captain for agreeing to play in this weather.
  
  Especially after the fUCKING DEMENTORS TRY TO EAT HARRY.
• Three of the Marauders being Animagi and what they turned into comes up when Sirius' lack of trial records is brought to Dumbledore's attention. However, no more attention is paid to it until later in the week, when Harry thinks to ask Percy about the lifespan of rats when Ron and Hermione argue about Crookshanks harassing Scabbers again.
  [Percy opens and closes his mouth in shock] ...Merlin's hairy balls, I let that rat sleep in my BED.
• Percy tells Ron they're going to put Scabbers in a nice safe cage to protect him from Crookshanks (he Transfigures a cage made of steel), then goes off to fetch McGonagall to check his work (he runs to tell McGonagall and Remus that he's got Pettigrew cornered). The narration notes that all of this happened in November.
• Percy takes to camping out in front of the entrance to the Gryffindor dorms with a bottle of the Draught of Living Death next to him as a security measure. It pays off when Sirius trips over and wakes him up shortly after the new year, with Percy knocking him out by breaking the bottle over his head.
• Cornelius Fudge decides to bring a Dementor with him into Hogwarts as a "protective" measure when he goes to see the captured Sirius. When the Dementor inevitably tries to attack Sirius, Remus holds it off with a Patronus while Percy, absolutely done with everything, throws a chocolate bar at the Dementor's head. Much to their surprise, the Dementor flees because of it.
• The school quickly finds out that chocolate can repel Dementors. The students proceed to subject the Ministry-assigned security Dementors to a harassment campaign in the form of basketfuls of chocolate bars being launched at them by trebuchets that the Weasley twins set up on the Astronomy Tower.

Year Four

• Dilwyn becomes obsessed with watching Coronation Street, much to Harry's dismay.
  Dilwyn: If you turn it off, Harry, I'm throwing you into the Thames.
  Harry: Oh no, you're addicted.
• While Percy officially gets the job of auditing Azkaban, the Ministry obstructs his goal of making sure nobody is in there for crimes they didn't commit. Instead, they assign him to "figure out how to make it so no one can stage a jailbreak by shopping at Honeydukes, because if we ban chocolate the people will riot".
• During the remodel of Grimmauld Place, Sirius suggests using a red and gold color scheme to spite his family. Hypatia tells him she's going with a less obnoxious cherrywood and cream, under threat of having Dil complain about Harry living with Sirus in "Hell's Bordello".
• When the Weasleys get World Cup tickets for the Top Box, Dil points out that the Malfoys have tickets in the same section and is promptly offered an additional ticket to attend and keep Draco in line. Sure enough, Draco's snide remark about the Weasleys needing leprechaun gold dies in his throat as soon as Dil looks his way.
• The Triwizard Tournament judges tell Percy that because of his deciding to substitute himself for Harry, they can give him the lowest possible score regardless of how well he actually does as payback. When Percy tells them this is fine because he's not actually trying to win, as nobody (least of all himself) actually wants him to be there, the judges' reactions are described by the narration as "*surprised Pikachu face*".
• Harry has no idea what puberty is due to trying to avoid his cousin Dudley's attention during his only form of instruction on the matter. The only reason he isn't stressed out about his body changing is because Dudley was an early bloomer and his aunt wasn't upset about it. When Percy tells Dil about it, he half-remembers one of Petunia's terms of endearment for Dudley as "dear Dinky-Winky-dins".
• Percy and Dil share an Oh, Crap! moment over the realization that Draco may have constantly been bullying Harry due to having a crush on him and not knowing how to express it properly.
• Percy is more than prepared for the dragons in the First Task, as he's been unwillingly learning about them through osmosis ever since his brother Charlie was able to read a children's book about dragons called "Mr. Dragoo and the Floo Achoo" by himself.
• While the end-of-year events probably would've activated the DADA curse anyway, it kicks in early when the imposter Moody is informed he will not be invited back to teach at Hogwarts again after he Transfigures Draco into a ferret while the kid's on a broom in midair.
• Hypatia suggesting that Crabbe and Goyle be encouraged to befriend Luna Lovegood two years earlier finally pays off when it's mentioned in passing that the two of them took Luna to the Yule Ball.
• Percy Transfigures a giant steel pipe in order to retrieve his kids. It's mentioned that the other three Champions are left floating awkwardly in the lake and poking the pipe trying to figure out what's going on.
• Harry receiving anonymous gifts from Dumbledore and Sirius is used against him when Voldemort mails him a Portkey with a note in vaguely Dumbledore-like handwriting right before the Third Task and is subsequently kidnapped by the contents of his own pockets. The "surprised Pikachu face" is mentioned yet again to describe Dumbledore and Sirius' reaction to the kidnapping.
• The Weasley twins Summon the Marauder's Map to them to confirm that Harry has been taken off the school grounds. However, the Summoning Charm inadvertently brings Harry's trunk along with the Map, too.

Year Five

• Percy starts a theory that someone copying Voldemort's tactics kidnapped Harry instead of the genuine article to discredit the Ministry trying to run a smear campaign on Harry. It works, mainly because speculation on the true culprit sells more newspapers than insisting that everything is fine.
• Harry's trial for using underage magic outside of school to defend himself from a Dementor still happens, with one important difference: he didn't even use magic against it, as Percy threw a chocolate bar at it again.
• The Ministry attempts to make Umbridge the DADA professor, but Dumbledore stops them by saying he just hired Sirius for the position that morning. This is also the first time that Sirius hears about it.
• Sirius announces that while he's honored to be the DADA professor, his obligations on the Wizengamot mean he can only teach for one year. The curse on the position takes this declaration of intending to not teach the subject long-term as sufficient offering to not activate.
• Sirius' seventh year DADA classes tend to alternate between lectures and attacking the students with pranks and spells as a form of preparation, often with little warning of which style's going to be used in advance or switching it up on a moment's notice. As the seventh year class includes the Weasley twins, the students aren't as badly caught off guard by all this as they otherwise would've been.
  Sirius: Ah, my seventh-years. Welcome to Partytown.
  [promptly disappears, initiating a barrage of spells and pranks upon the students]
• After Umbridge uses the Blood Quill on Harry, Sirius immediately sues all parties responsible for harming his godson. The Black family's lawyers are stated to be "wibbling in delight" over it.
• Dumbledore's Army never forms, as there's no need for the students to teach each other Defense Against the Dark Arts with a competent professor of the subject around. The narration also notes that the acronym "DA" is already taken by the Drunken Alliance.
• Percy finally goes to the press about how the Ministry is getting in the way of him improving Azkaban, including preventing the more dangerous prisoners from being moved to more secure facilities. A week later, Voldemort breaks the imprisoned Death Eaters out of Azkaban.
  Percy stares into the proverbial camera like he's on The Office
• Percy tells Fudge that contrary to what he thinks, Dementors being repelled by throwing chocolate at them is an Open Secret because everyone who was at Hogwarts or read the Daily Prophet in the spring of 1994 knows about it.
• The true portraits of the Founders of Hogwarts are shown what's currently considered to be the most accurate depictions of them. They find the (relatively) more modern interpretations of them to be hilariously wrong, with the newer portrait of Salazar Slytherin in particular looking next to nothing like the actual man.
  Slytherin: Did they think I could PHYSICALLY transform into a snake?
  Harry: Was that... accurate? Otherwise?
  Slytherin: Absolutely not. I'm not the youngest of us, certainly, but I'm also not older by nearly a decade, they managed to get every single one of my features wrong except my eye color, and I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

Year Six

• Mrs. Weasley finally finds out that Percy has been in a polyamorous relationship with Hypatia and Dilwyn for the past four years. Most of her outrage is related to her having assumed they were sharing a bed platonically, an assumption fostered by the fact that the twins could fit in one bed until they were eight; after that, she used a charm to make their mattress larger at night until they went to Hogwarts. Fred and George are mentioned to sometimes still expect to be woken up by falling out of bed when the mattress shrinks back if they sleep in.
• The description of what canon events in the summer prior to Harry's sixth year haven't changed include "Dumbledore grabbing the ring like a dumbass".
• As Dumbledore is unable to persuade Slughorn to come out of retirement due to Harry being out of the country, he hires Dilwyn as the new Potions professor. Draco does not take the news of his former Prefect returning well.
  Draco: OH MERLIN D:
• Dumbledore believes that with Slughorn out of the picture they'll never know how many Horcruxes Voldemort made, only to be surprised when Percy tells him that the Egyptian Mind Healers said there'd be seven. The narrator chides Dumbledore for not realizing that other people know things he doesn't, claiming that this is why "Friendship is Magic".
• Ron comments that even in the event he hadn't accidentally eaten Harry's Love Potion-laced chocolates from Romilda Vane, he still would've been able to figure out his friend got dosed. When Harry asks how he would've known that, Ron bluntly tells him it's because Harry's as bent as a bottle of chips.
• Draco goes to Dil and tells him he screwed up again. When Dil asks how bad it is and how much booze he'll need to deal with the problem, Draco confesses his role in the plot to kill Dumbledore and that he's the one who got Katie Bell cursed.
  Dilwyn: Merlin's teats, you brat, you are the cause of EVERY SINGLE ONE of my gray hairs.
• Harry dissuades Dumbledore from drinking the potion in the basin protecting the Locket Horcrux by encouraging him to apply his strengths to the problem. Dumbledore decides to try draining the potion by attempting to Transfigure the basin into a pasta strainer, which doesn't work.
• Sirius is immediately able to figure out that his brother Regulus took the Locket Horcrux, as Regulus started signing stuff with his initials at age nine. The story then flashes back to a young Sirius watching his brother his brother sign something.
  Sirius: Rabbit!
  Regulus: Shut UP dogbreath.

Year Seven

• When the Ministry falls, Percy immediately resigns due to Inescapable Circumstances. Said circumstances are that he'll likely get killed if he enters the building again.
• McGonagall and Percy flip a coin to see who becomes the new Headmaster of Hogwarts. Percy loses the coin toss and becomes Headmaster.

Epilogue

• Harry returns from vacation to walk in on Percy, Dilwyn, and Hypatia in the middle of planning out their wedding and immediately walks back out.