Funny / Pearls Before Swine

General

• Anytime the crocodiles try to kill or discourage Zebra.
• The puns, no matter how terrible they may be. The anticipation makes it so much better, because you know one is coming but you ask yourself, "where's Pastis going with this one?" He never disappoints to make it spectacular. Adding to this is Pastis himself acknowledging how terrible they are by having his characters mock him each time.

2002

• Pig is stuck in the refrigerator again. But now he knows that the little light goes off.
• Rat reads a book about mindreading.
• "Have you tried using a ruler?"
• "You are SOOOOOOOOOOOO fat."
  Interviewer: Maybe I ought to explain what we mean by a "mock" interview.
  Rat: Hang on, Monkey Breath... I'm just getting started.
• "Read a book, moron."

2003

• Pig hates mockingbirds.
• Rat becomes a telemarketer...
  Rat: Excuse me, sir, but could I interest you in a-
  Whoever's on the Other Line: You stupid telemarketer! I'm eating dinner! (hangs up)
  (Beat)
  (Rat calls the same number)
  Rat: Done yet?
• Goat just got a CD-Rom.
  Pig: What's on it?
  Goat: All of Van Gogh's paintings.
  Pig: Wow. He painted small.
• "Do not be afraid. They come in peas."
• This glorious example of Medium Awareness.
  Rat: Suddenly, I feel very claustrophobic.
• Rat writes a letter to French President Chirac.
  • And the next day...
• Pig's burrito does not agree with him. And you should hear the taco.
• "And with the money I saved, I got this mug..."
• Pig asks a neighbor for a cup of sugar. The neighbor gives him one... then Pig dumps all the sugar out. Because he just needed the cup.
• "Ohhhh, to be that rat at the counter instead of the miserable pathetic idiot that is me." Rat's goofy expression is what makes it.
• Rat's been watching too much Survivor.
• The story of Zorro's unlucky brother Orro.
• Pig bought a chair at the furniture store. Why? Because he needed to test all the smoke alarms in the house... so he set the chair on fire.
• Rat gets a job at the information desk of a bookstore...
  Customer: Excuse me, but I was wondering if you could please help me find a book.
  Rat: We don't have it.
  Customer: I haven't told you what it is.
  Rat: You're really testing my patience. Please leave before I strike you about the head.
  (The customer walks off)
  Rat: (thinking to himself) You handled that well.
  • The next day...
  Customer: Yeah, I was hoping you could help me find a book.
  Rat: And I was hoping I wouldn't be approached by a helpless moron. I guess we're both disappointed.
  • And the day after THAT...
  Customer: Hi... I'm looking for a book.
  Rat: Then why are you bothering me?
  Customer: Because I couldn't find it.
  Rat: Then either we don't have it, or you're too dumb to find it. Either way, I'd say you're screwed.
  • Another customer asks for Rat's help finding a self-help book...
  Rat: Oh? What loser trait are YOU trying to overcome?
  Customer: I don't think I'm a loser, pal.
  Rat: "Seeing yourself as others see you"... Aisle 6.
  • And the day after THAT...
  Customer: I'm looking for a novel, but I can't find it.
  Rat: Then I guess we don't have it.
  Customer: Aren't you gonna look?
  Rat: For something that's not here? Apologize for your stupidity.
• Zebra's fellow zebras have all equipped themselves with musical alarms. When they're chased by lions, the alarms play Christmas carols, so the other zebras know that they're in trouble... and sing along.
• Pig's squid is a little undercooked.

2004

• Rat's first ever "Magic Picture" experiment. It's even better in the treasury, where Stephan Pastis says that he hated the "Magic Eye" craze because he was never able to see the hidden pictures and is convinced that no one else could either and they all lied to him about it.
• According to Pig, before you judge a man, you should run - not walk - a mile in his shoes. Because you just stole his shoes.
• "For example, you should egg the monkeys?"
• Rat answers fan mail...
  Rat: Joey R., from Durham, N.C., writes, "Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes, complained that comics were printed too small... what say you?" Well, Joey, unlike Calvin and Hobbes, we here at Pearls are drawn by an incompetent artist. Therefore, we're actually IN FAVOR of smaller strips, as the tinier you print us, the less you can tell the difference between us and a well-drawn strip.
  (The fourth panel is much smaller)
  Rat: See?
• Rat has half a mind to complain about their waitress. So does Pig - he doesn't have a complaint, he just has half a mind.
• Stephan Pastis took the panels to get washed. As a result, Pig is having difficulty watching TV. Why? Well, without the panel border, the TV isn't a complete TV but rather just the outline of half a TV.
• Stephan Pastis puts a broken line around the strip in case somebody wants to cut it out and stick it on their refrigerator or something.
  Rat: (to Pig) That silence you hear is four million pairs of scissors not moving.
• Rat has invented something that will help him to resolve disputes with dumb people - the "Mallet O' Understanding".
  Pig: How does it work?
  Rat: When people act dumb, I smash them over the head?
  Pig: How does that promote understanding?
  Rat: Frankly, I haven't thought that far ahead.
• Rat sent a reminder postcard to his dentist.
  Pig: I thought dentists sent US reminder cards.
  Rat: They do... every six months he writes to tell me to get my teeth cleaned and every six months I write back to tell him I hate dentists. We're like pen pals, but without the pals.
• This strip, part of an otherwise pretty disturbing storyline in which Pig falls in love with "Ms. Bootyworth", a sentient syrup bottle. Pig knows that when Ms. Bootyworth is empty, she'll be thrown away and recycled - and wouldn't you know it, Rat has a big stack of pancakes. Pig asks him if he's really going to eat the pancakes, and Rat sarcastically replies that he just spent half an hour cooking the pancakes so that they could throw them out the window. Pig, being Pig, then proceeds to do just that.
• "He was very persuasive."
  • "When you call me a 'degenerate', it hurts me. And when I hurt I hug."
• From a storyline in which Pig goes to the Dumb Guys Convention...
  • The convention-goers play "Guess Phil's Name". Of course, none of them are able to guess what Phil's name is.
  • Then it's time to play "Jump Off the Fifth Floor Balcony Into the Swimming Pool". Minus the swimming pool. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
  • A dumb guy checks in for the convention. When the clerk asks what his name is, he replies, "I give up."
  • "The hotel has informed me that the 'L' button stands for 'lobby'. Contrary to what we told you in the registration packet, it does not - I repeat - NOT, stand for 'lift-off'."
  • "Way to speak up, Phil."
  • "We are hoping that the concept of putting food on your plate and taking it back to your table is self-explanatory."
  • The dumb guys talk about mental challenges that they overcame that year...
  • Pig checks out.
• This strip, part of a storyline in which Pig forms a "Bait Club" with Willie Worm, Gigi Grub, and Sven the Salmon Egg... just as Rat plans to go fishing. The three vow to stick together. Then Rat comes in and says that he's not going to do as much fishing after all, so he only needs one of them^note In the end, all three are spared. Willie and Gigi tell him to kill Sven.
  • Then they decide to decide which of them will wind up as Rat's bait by playing Rock-Paper-Scissors. Then...
  Willie: Wait. We have no hands.
  Gigi: Fine... I'm THINKING paper.
  Sven: Whoa... would you believe I'm thinking scissors?
• "Please don't challenge my Ratcentric universe."
• Rat and Pig visit an open house.
• Rat got Pig the mega-hold styling gel at the grocery store, and Pig usually uses the medium-hold. Why? Well...
• Pig meets Atlas. Apparently, putting the world down on a table results in flattened Antarcticans.
  • The next day, Pig points out the part of the world where he lives. To say anything else would utterly spoil it.
• Rat sells, of all things, scorn.
  Goat: Why would I pay for something I don't want and could get for free?
  Rat: Because you're a big fat idiot. That one's on the house.
• Rat complains about commercials that hide the important details in "this tiny language that you can barely read". Fortunately, somebody in the comments section typed out all the tiny text in the third panel for us to read.
• Rat the pet psychic.
  Rat: How can I help you today, sir?
  Man With Poodle: It's Chi Chi. He's upset and I want to know why.
  Rat: Chi Chi says you are a cheap fatty... he says to give me an extra fifty bucks to prove you are not cheap.
  Man With Poodle: (gives Rat fifty bucks) Fine... here.
  Rat: (takes the money) Chi Chi says you are now just a fatty.
  • Eventually, a woman comes in with her pet parrot, Pepe. Rat tries the "your pet is upset because you're cheap by not paying me more" trick again, but this time it doesn't work out - as Pepe can talk and dubs Rat an unmitigated fraud.
  Rat: That's enough out of Pepe.
• Rat and Pig have a very, very big ant problem.
  "I distinctly asked you for the Cheez-Whiz."
• Pig's money isn't "funny money".
• Pig meets Rat's sock puppet, Pepito.
  "We're working on his social skills."
  • Then Pepito meets Goat.
• "Don't take advice from guys who claim to have all the answers."
• Rat learns to never get sarcastic with his barber.
• Rat doesn't quite understand how the "ten items or less" line works...
• "Prepare to get fleeced, sucker..."
• Pig decides to play some indoor football.
• Rat goes to a poetry slam contest.
• "I saw that joke coming a mile away."
• "Do I talk when YOU'RE playing 'Gameboy'?"

2005

• Part of the storyline where the Crocs move in next door to Zebra...
  Rat: What are you doing, Pig?
  Pig: (standing by Zebra's mailbox) I'm getting Zebra's mail for him... ever since a fraternity of crocodiles moved in next door, he's a little nervous about leaving the house.
  Rat: Don't you think he's being a little paranoid?
  Crocodile: (pops out of the mailbox holding Zebra's mail) Phone bill high dis monf.
  Pig: (takes the mail) Not really.
• After becoming a waiter, Rat threatens to break a customer's knees if he asks for one more water refill.
• "Is there a reason you need a rope, a 'George Foreman Grill', and a gallon of barbecue sauce to see my couch?"
• Rat meets Neighbor Bob's half-brother Phil.
  Rat: Am I the only guy thinking we could rifle through his wallet with absolutely no consequence?
  Neighbor Bob: (holding up a dollar) Been there. Done that.
• What makes this strip is how incredibly stupid the crocodiles look in the carrot costumes.
  "Costume wental comeen out of you awwowance."
• The conclusion to a storyline in which Pig wears a giant oven mitt as protection. After taking it off, he's convinced that other giant cooking utensils will come after him. Rat "helps" by... well, we won't give it away.
• Rat starts the "National Registry of Sand".
  Rat: Excuse me, sir, but could I interest you in having a unique grain of this world's sand named after you? It's only sixty bucks.
  Man: Why should I do that?
  Rat: Because you're dumb. And vain. And those two qualities make it impossible for you to recognize a fraudulent scam when you see one.
  Man: I'll take ten.
  Rat: You're a smart man.
  • The next day, somebody asks him how he keeps track of which grain is named after which person.
    Rat: I keep a little list in this spiral notebook... (holds up notebook) See?
    Man: That says, "Morons I've Fleeced".
    Rat: Ignore the title.
• "Me prefers you no see dat."
• Rat answers fan mail...
  Rat: Today's letter is from George W. Bush, of Washington, D.C., who writes, "Yours is the best strip in the Washington Post... if possible, could you name one of the characters 'George'?" (puts letter down) No... we can't... and what are you gonna do about it? (holds up another letter) Our next letter is from Stephan Pastis, of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba...
• Rat gives Pig a list of all the things that are wrong with him. Some parts are more constructive than others.
• Rat is "Creesco", the world famous artiste.
• Rat offers college students desperate for unpaid internships so they can get work experience work in the strip - as props.
  "Please don't demean Skippy the Coffee Stirrer."
• The crocs try their hand at stand-up comedy.
• "Greetings from Reflecto-Man."
• The crocs have some difficulty with the fax machine.
• Zebra discovers one of the crocs working at a fast food restaurant.
• "Why he so unfriendly?"
• "Mebbe we ovahpay Bob."
• "Duuuude... it rolls."
• "I see our approach varies."
• This strip, apparently guest-written by Stephan's childhood friend John Patzakis (according to the book commentary, Stephan does have a friend named John Patzakis but he wrote and drew the strip himself). First, John says that no one likes Stephan and that the reason they're friends is because he and Stephan's other friends feel pity for him, then gives us a look into Stephan's youth... where he was "a skinny, obnoxious loser with super-thick glasses and a mouthful of braces" who never made it onto a single sports team that he tried out for, with the exception of cross-country, and that was only because they took EVERYONE. Then he says that Stephan played with Star Wars dolls until he was fifteen and literally did not kiss a girl until college. The strip ends with Stephan reading John's strip, and he has this to say...
  Stephan: I don't think I'll have John do this again.
  Rat: (standing nearby and pointing at Stephan) L-O-O-O-O-SER.
• Pig meets the "Wolf Who Cried Boy", whom Rat finds very annoying.
• "Missouri, huh? Well, down you go!"
• Zebra finds out about the crocs' secret stash of captured prey that they hide in their unlocked garden shed so he won't be able to find it. Just HOW does he find out? Well...
• In order to prove to Zebra that they can be loving caretakers of other animals, the crocs get a whole box of pet hamsters. However, Bob is a bit unclear on the concept.
• Rat asks Goat if it's ethically wrong to attach sails to the backs of dumb guys and send them floating off to other towns. Goat says that yes, it is indeed wrong... and then...
  Dumb Guy With a Sail Attached to His Back: (floats by) I'm flyyying, I'm flyyying...
  (Goat is ticked-off)
  Rat: Oh, sure... blame me.
• Pig founds "Pigs For Figs", a non-profit group dedicated to the protection and support of figs and their culture.
• A croc provides Zebra with some "soothing dinnah music".
• Rat introduces Pig to the "Super Stick o' Smartness".
  "QUICK!! LOOK OVER THERE!"
  • The next day, Rat introduces the stick to Zebra, who tells him that you don't make stupid people smart by hitting them with a stick. Rat asks if he has a better suggestion for making stupid people smart, to which Zebra says that yes, he does - books. Books make stupid people smart. Cut to Rat throwing a book at somebody's head.
• "The key is to be polite, but firm."
• Pig writes about his eyebrows in his diary.
• "You can do it... you big fat tub of lard."
• "Oh, yeah? Well, me think YOU idiot..."
  • From the same storyline...
    "Me no wear pants. It feel guuuuud."
• The introduction of Pig's viking figurines.
• "It's on the car."
• The crocs try to tag Zebra's house.
• During a storyline in which the "Comic Strip Factory" runs out of "A"s, Pig tries to help by making his own... except that he's using the wrong letter.

2006

• Rat makes gingerbread men.
• Pig doesn't quite understand how to use the hook that's there to put his coat on.
• "Hullooo... me is Bill Gate. Me invent Weendows... me just want say dat dis guy here is world's best compooter guy... and me would know... me Bill Gate."
• "Hugging dem WORKS!!"
• Rat defeats Pig's sea anemone enemy.
• "Let's watch the potty mouth."
• Rat writes a self-help book.
  Rat: I call it, "Rat's Guide to Being Happy".
  Pig: What have you written so far?
  Rat: "To achieve happiness, spend $29.95 on this book."
  Pig: How does that make other people happy?
  Rat: Who said anything about other people?
• Rat finds out that the hair care products that Pig asked him to buy aren't for Pig. He demands to know just who, exactly, he bought them for. The answer, of course, is the Vikings.
• The crocs try their hand at camouflage.
• Rat gets a job writing thank-you cards. This results in "Dear El Cheapo", then "Thank you for your gift. It will make a wonderful addition to my next garage sale.", and then "Dear Cousin Bob, thank you for your generous gift of ten dollars. Perhaps I'll buy half a shoe."
• Rat makes a list of all the geniuses that the world has produced. Predictably, his name is on the list.
• This glorious lampshading of Just Eat Gilligan. The orca points out to his seal neighbor that the only thing stopping him from eating said seal neighbor is the window, which means that either the glass is very strong or the cartoonist is an idiot who doesn't think through his plot settings. The seal replies that he thinks it's the latter. In the third panel, we cut to Stephan Pastis crying.
• The introduction of Danny Donkey.
  Rat: What do you mean I don't write good children's books?
  Goat: (doing a Facepalm) Ohhhhhhh lord...
• One of the crocs gives Zebra a basket full of Easter eggs that wind up hatching into teeny tiny crocs who attempt to eat Zebra while he sleeps. Doesn't work.
  • Eventually, it culminates in this...
    Zebra: HOW DARE YOU STUPID CROCS TRY TO KILL ME IN MY OWN BED! DIE! DIE! DIE!
    Tiny Croc: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Love you enemys.
    (Zebra punches the tiny croc, sending it flying off the bed)
    Zebra: I'm more of an Old Testament guy.
• How Rat deals with somebody who won't stop talking on their cell phone.
• Rat and Pig deal with printing errors.
• Pig is in love with the UPS girl.
• "People in power are idiots."
• "Say 'one regular coffee' or I punch you in the head."
• "I heard 'blah blah blah coffee.'"
• Pig has a stupid question.
• Admit it, you totally relate to Rat here.
• Zebra finds out that the National Cartoonists Society is gonna start testing comic strip characters for steroids, which he finds unnecessary as steroids don't make one funnier, ergo he can't think of a reason why any comic strip character would even want to try them. In the third panel... well, we won't spoil it for you.
• Pig needs help with a lot of things when he has to wear a Cone of Shame.
• "I'VE got a solution for that."
• Rat meets Pig's new girlfriend.
• "Green is my favoritest color."
• A croc identifies the root causes of poverty.
• "Hope you like bacon."
• Rat got a job writing ads for a doorknob company.
  Rat: (to Goat) Check out this one. (reading) "Buy our doorknobs or we'll break your [CENSORED] knees."
• "Room for cream?"
• This glorious Take That! towards Starbucks.
• "I'm on break."
• Rat's boss at the coffee shop orders him to smile. This is the result of that.
• Another story about Danny Donkey... involving him hitting people with a sign.
• Pig reads a book about levitation.
• Rat handles a peeling panel.
• The crocs threaten Zebra with their "F-14 supersoneecal jet". The result is this...
  Zebra: Show me the plane.
  Croc 1: Uh. Ees in backyard.
  Zebra: I can see your backyard. It's not there.
  Croc 1: Ees behind trash can.
  Zebra: Yeah... those planes are probably about twenty feet high... I don't think so.
  Croc 2: Ohhkay. FINE. You want truth, Meester Smart Guy? Plane inveesible.
  Zebra: Ohh... well... I hadn't considered that. So you can't see it either?
  Croc 2: NO. We no can.
  Zebra: So even if you wanted to fly it, you couldn't because you wouldn't be able to find it?
  Croc 2: BINGO!! We no can fly NUTHeeng!!
  (Beat)
  Croc 2: (whispering to Croc 1) Me was debater een high school.
• Guard Duck goes trick-or-treating.
  "FORK IT OVER, BIG DADDY!!"
• Yet another strip of Rat trolling a customer at the coffee shop where he works.
  Rat: Hi... what do you want?
  Customer: I'd like a really large coffee, so... uh... give me the 'Tall'.
  Rat: That's the small.
  Customer: 'Tall' is small?
  Rat: Tall is small.
  Customer: So what's 'Grande'?
  Rat: 'Grande' means 'Large'.
  Customer: Then give me a 'Grande'.
  Rat: But here it means 'Medium'.
  Customer: WHAT THE?! DUDE, ALL I WANT IS A LARGE COFFEE!
  Rat: Then order a 'Venti'.
  Customer: SO 'VENTI' MEANS 'LARGE'?!
  Rat: No, 'Venti' means 'Twenty', as in, "I just spent twenty minutes trying to understand a [CENSORED] menu."
  Customer: AAAUUGHHH!
  Rat: (to his annoyed-looking boss) I think I'm really starting to enjoy this job.
• The mayoral debates between Rat and one of the crocs.
• Pig writes a novel.
• From a storyline in which Stephan Pastis sends the Crocs on a goodwill mission...
  • "Dude, have a 'Tic Tac'."
  • Stephan tells the Crocs that everyone who complained about the strip needs to know how tame it is compared to cartoons on TV.
    Stephan: So show 'em this Simpsons DVD.
    Croc: Me LOVE dem!
    Stephan: Then some Family Guy.
    Croc: Dey GREAT!
    Stephan: Then this South Park.
    Croc: Heelarius!
    Stephan: (hands them a "Pearls Before Swine" book) Then my book.
    (The Crocs read it)
    Croc 1: You steenk.
    Croc 2: Yeah. You no Mark Trail.
  • "For shame, you pitiful suck-up."
  • The Crocs visit a man who wrote a letter criticizing Pearls and praising Snuffy Smith.
  • Then they visit a couple who called the strip "offensive"... and tell them that they agree with them. The result is an enraged Stephan and the Crocs getting drunk and talking about how great Beetle Bailey is.
  • "WHAT HAPPENED IN BAKERSFIELD?!?"
  • "Okay, see, now that's a problem."
  • "Tell me again how he got syndicated."
• Rat complains about birds nailing his car.
• "Do NOT sell him weapons."
• Rat's "not in the mood" to give a customer their coffee.
• "How 'bout nice train?"
• Goat reads Rat's annual Christmas letter.
• "Could I have my wallet back?"
• Pig's Neighbor Phil has just let his pet falcons go. And now, he awaits their return... the glorious and wondrous high point in any true falconer's life. Cut to the falcons in a bar.
  Falcon 1: (toasting with the other falcon) To freedom.
  Falcon 2: To Phil being a big, fat idiot.

2007

• One refrigerator magnet too many causes Pig's refrigerator to fall over.
• "Happy anniversey, you big fat pain in butt."
  "Too much."
• After Rat and Pig find out that their sewing machine is possessed...
  Rat: It raises so many deep, mind-blowing, philosophical questions.
  Pig: Like what?
  Rat: Like why do two animals who don't wear clothes own a sewing machine?
• "Why are the slowest message takers the fastest phone number givers?"
  Rat: (as he destroys his answering machine) 'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE MORONS!! MORONS!! MORONS!!
• Pig meets Timmy the Anteater.
• Rat says that if they're ever gonna have world peace, they're gonna have to find a few basic principles to agree on - for example, that guys who wear their collar up should all be punched in the head.
• Pig introduces Goat to his cousins Bob and Gladys.
  "That's close enough, Gladys!"
• Rat stole some stem cells and began creating his very own human being from the ground up. Then he got bored.
  • This eventually leads to him cloning himself.
  • Goat's reaction to finding this out.
  • But as it turns out, the clones don't think exactly like Rat does. On the contrary, they're much nicer. So he decides to mail them to one of the crocs as "feeder mice". Alas, they prove themselves as being very tough for such nice guys and wind up getting jobs at the coffee shop where Rat works - and since Rat isn't the only rat working there anymore, he's not protected by the shop's Policy of Corporate Diversity and gets fired.
• Larry tells his son about the birds and the bees.
• "Ohh, I've got his welcoming party."
  • And the next day, we get this.
    "VIVA LA RATVOLUTION!"
• Rat got Pig the new "Wake Up With Happy Smiley George" alarm clock. The packaging, as it turns out, is a bit misleading.
• "Beer is good."
• Pig watches Goat's goldfish.
  "ON THE ROAD! STAY ON THE ROAD!!"
• Rat writes a children's story about Danny Donkey throwing his lawyer off a cliff. It's so dark, but still so funny.
  Goat: This is NOT an appropriate children's book.
  Rat: But I wrote such an uplifting ending.
  Pig: Yay for Danny! YAY!
• "It's what's in here that counts."
• "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
• What happens when the Comic Strip Factory runs out of Black Bead Eyes?
• "OH LAAAAADIES!"
  Zebra: I don't want to know... I don't want to know.
• Pig has so much trouble accessorizing.
• Rat meets Pig's friend Leon the chameleon.
• Rat tells Pig that they need money and to go invent something. What does Pig come up with?
  Pig: Cheese sneakers... for the athlete who needs a little snack.
  • It's even better in the treasury, where Stephan Pastis' commentary on the strip tells us his guide to drawing cheese, which goes like this...
  1) Draw a box
  2) Fill it with holes
  3) Have someone in the strip call it "cheese"
• "Greatest... song... ever."
• "Hurl them at the [CENSORED] who gave them to you!"
• Rat wrote a book of humorous stories and showed it to some of the customers at the cafe. They were falling out of their chairs. Not because they liked it, but because they DIDN'T like it, and thus Rat pushed them off of their chairs.
• Zebra meets his new next-door neighbors, the Lions.
• "Hey, I'm not gonna say it if it's needless."
• Four words: "Wipe my nose, Pig."
• "I really should take your word for it."
• Goat goes on a date... and we discover that he isn't very good at making small-talk.
  • "ERRRT ERRRT ERRRT AWKWARD MOMENT ALERT!!!"
• Pig isn't too fond of Connie the Judgmental Cow.
• Rat's new iPhone.
• Rat meets Wilhelm, the Aquatic Lamb.
• The crocs invite Zebra to climb into their "Box O' Funn".
• Junior decides that the crocodiles should start wearing clothes, because it's uncivilized to walk around without pants on. His father, on the other hand...
• Rat's decided to find all his enemies and tell him that he forgives them. Why? To give his vengeance the element of surprise.
• Rat and Pig decide to emulate soap opera strips.
• Goat returns home for the first time in years.
• Rat acts as Justice of the Peace.
• "I feel smarterer than ever!"
• Pig got him and Rat matching "B.F.F." shirts.
• "The only thing we have too fair is 'Ferret's Elf'."
• "I have gas."
• How Rat takes care of a mess - since it's a comic strip, he erases it.
  • In the next strip, Stephan tells Rat not to erase things in the strip because it destroys the illusion that "this is its own quasi-real world". Rat's response is, "This from a gigantohead egomaniac who walks in and out of his own strip?" Then he decides to erase Stephan's head.
• "Sign not my idea."
• The lions find out that the crocs stole their crate of zebra meat.
  Lion: Worries. We've got worries.
  Croc: Me told you no touch curtain.
• The croc family and Zebra's family are gathered around the table for Christmas dinner... but then Zebra's niece asks where Uncle Peter is. Junior says that he thought he was with Larry. And then Larry comes in, dressed as a chef and holding an enormous covered plate. Cut to Rat and Pig chewing out Stephan for how dark the strip's Christmas storyline is.
  Rat: Ohhh... THIS is a heartwarming Christmas story.
  Pig: Get some help, Steph.
  • But it turns out that Larry got a bucket of KFC for Christmas dinner, he didn't cook Uncle Peter. He starts talking about how he's realized that Christmas is about "love. And peace. And brudderhood." Then Uncle Peter comes in and reveals that Larry did indeed attempt to cook him and that the only reason he didn't was because he couldn't drag him onto the barbecue because he was too fat. That, of course, didn't stop him from eating part of his left leg.
    Larry: (to Uncle Peter) Way to bring down mood, Stumpy.
• Pig meets Pablo, the drug-sniffing dog.
• "Do you ever look down at your alphabet soup and see actual words?"
• "Simon says find me attractive."

2008

• "Enough with the blow dryer, Max."
  • "You're really getting on my nerves, Max."
  • "Cool it with the 'roids, Max."
• "Hey, sir... is that a cell phone and a pager you have clipped to your belt?"
• Rat gets a job writing slogans that promote better treatment of short people.
• Pig and Zebra go miniature golfing.
• The crocs are doing some fishing.
• Rat finds out that male lions can hook up with any of their pride's females, unlike most species where the males just get one girl. The result: Rat donning a lion's mane and roaring.
• Rat gives Zebra a birthday present... soap. Not just any soap, mind you, HOTEL soap.
  Zebra: It might be best if you didn't give gifts.
  Rat: Oh... and sorry it's open... I had to wash my hands.
• One of the crocs asks Zebra if he's intimidated by daisies. Zebra says no. Not even if they're "super beeg and leetle nutty-looking".
  Croc: (turns to another croc who's dressed as a daisy) Me told you stoopid costume.
• Rat and Pig's neighbor Tim is really jonesing for a big plate of hash browns. Coincidentally enough, Rat is really "ratsing" - which is the desire to beat people who use trendy expressions over the head with a waffle iron. Tim then runs off.
• Rat has invented a car that runs on idiocy, a natural resource that is in abundant supply.
• Larry finds out that the lions' wives do all the hunting for them. When he gets home, he tells his wife that he wants to trade her in.
• Rat has gotten a job as a hotel concierge.
  Rat: I help guests by giving them recommendations.
  Pig: What do you recommend?
  Rat: That they stay at a different hotel. It's a novel approach to customer retention.
  • First, somebody asks Rat to give him a recommendation for a "good dinner place".
    Rat: Sure... I recommend the Italian place across the street.
    Hotel Guest: Is it good?
    Rat: No, it's bad. When you said "good", I thought it meant "bad". Forgive me. I find English so confusing.
    Hotel Guest: (angrily) Maybe I'll find my own restaurant.
    Rat: Have a (making Air Quotes) "good" time.
  • Then somebody tells Rat that he's got a party of twelve and that they need dinner reservations "for right now"...
    Hotel Guest: So hook us up with one of your Maitre D' pals.
    Rat: Sure... two blocks to the west... tell Ronald I sent you.
    Hotel Guest: Ronald?
    Rat: McDonald. Striped tights. Floppy feet.
    Hotel Guest: (annoyed) Not what I had in mind.
    Rat: Fine. Ask for the Hamburglar. But he won't be as friendly.
  • Next, a hotel guest asks him for a dinner recommendation for him and his wife.
    Hotel Guest: And we're in a hurry, so make it quick... we don't care what kind of food.
    Rat: Great... (gets out a bag of dog food) Well, if you don't care, how 'bout a big bag of "Alpo"?
    (The guest angrily shoves the bag over Rat's entire body)
    Rat: So you do care.
  • A woman tells Rat that she wants dinner reservations for a popular French restaurant downtown that's impossible to get into.
    Rat: (points at the sign on his desk) I'm sorry. Perhaps you misread my sign.
    Woman: The one that says "Concierge"?
    Rat: Yes. Come back when it says "Jesus, Miracle Worker From Galilee".
    (The woman is ticked-off)
    Rat: Standing there won't make it happen faster.
  • A man gives Rat a dollar and demands that he tell him how to get downtown.
    Rat: Yeah. Just fly your helicopter two miles west.
    Man: Helicopter? I don't own a helicopter.
    Rat: Oh. I figured that with the money you save by tipping [CENSORED], you might have bought a helicopter.
    (The man is ticked-off)
    Rat: (pointing at the man's ugly tie) You sure didn't spend it on that tie.
  • A man tells Rat that he's planning to surprise his wife with a sweater from the hotel gift shop, and asks him if he knows what size she might be. Rat's response: "Is 'FAT' a size?"
    Rat: (after the man slams a potted plant over his head) I guess not.
• "Less thinky, more twisty."
• Zebra asks Rat if he has any neighbors that he likes.
  Rat: Yeah, the ones to the east of us are great... I love them.
  Zebra: What are their names?
  Rat: How would I know? I've never met them.
  Zebra: If you've never met them, how could you love them?
  Rat: I love them because I've never met them.
  Zebra: Never mind.
  Rat: The nicest neighbor is the one you've never met.
• Rat is now Ratimus Studimus Maximus. And Pig is now the one who pulls his chariot, Pigimus Fatimus.
• The crocs form "Eetazeeb", an "all-powerful corporation wid know-hows and monies dedicated to immediate destrukshun of all zeebas" (its headquarters is a large cardboard box).
  Zebra: What have you accomplished so far?
  Bob the Croc: Nine bajillion meetings.
  Croc: Hey, Bob, time for meeting.
  Bob the Croc: (writing down on notepad) Memo to self: make co-werkers shut mouf.
  • The crocs have a meeting to discuss their salaries.
    Croc 1: Me would like to talk first.
    C.E.O. Croc: Why you want talk first?
    Croc 1: To keess butt of you.
    C.E.O. Croc 2: (whispering to another croc) He go far.
  • Another salary-review meeting at Eetazeeb headquarters...
    Croc 1: Meester C.E.O.... me juss want say you sooo smart.
    C.E.O. Croc: (hands him a box full of money) Ohh, have box o' monies.
    Croc 2: Meester C.E.O.... me juss want say you steenking genius.
    C.E.O. Croc: (hands him a box full of money as well) Ooh, have box o' monies.
    Croc 3: Meester C.E.O... no you see? Deese is booty kissers. Dey juss say for monies.
    (Beat)
    Croc 3: And dat tie sooo bootiful.
    C.E.O. Croc: (hands him two boxes full of money) Ohh, have two box o' monies.
• Pig talks to Goat about his mother.
• After Larry's wife leaves him, he tries to get a job at Eetazeeb.
  C.E.O. Croc: Okay. But first we ask question... is you qualified?
  Larry: Whoa. Me no expekk pop quiz.
  C.E.O. Croc: Mebbe answer no.
• Eventually, the "Rat as a hotel concierge" storyline and the "Eetazeeb" storylines come together for this strip.
  "Wheech way sweeming pool?"
  • At the same time that the Crocs are there for their retreat, a group of moles arrive for a seminar. Of course, the Crocs immediately make plans to eat them.
  • The moles meet up in a hotel room to discuss the situation. One of them asks how the Crocs found out that they were staying at the hotel in the first place. Another suggests, "Perhaps we have a mole." Then he adds, "I've waited ten years to use that joke."
  • One mole announces that since they're going to be holed up in the hotel room to avoid the Crocs, they're going to need supplies. Thus, he's sent Melvin out to get some ice. The result: Melvin gets eaten by the Crocs.
  Mole: So much for my icy cold beverage.
• Rat attempts to make figs a new unit of currency. Why? Because he has a large fig tree and no cash. This solves all of his problems.
• The Crocs rent an airplane, and one of them orders the others to paradrop onto Zebra's house. The one problem, of course, is that they don't have any parachute gear.
  Croc: (speaking into walkie-talkie) Abort.
• Yet another one of the Crocs' attempts to eat Zebra - one disguises himself as a talking Charlie Brown lamp that says things like "Hullo, Snoopee dog." and "Me kick football!", which another then offers to Zebra. Doesn't work.
• What happens when Pig eats cereal before bed.
• Larry helps Junior out with his algebra homework.
  Larry: Geev me probbum.
  Junior: (reading) "3X+4=13. What is the value of X?"
  Larry: "X" have no value. Probbum have no value. Algeebra waste of time. Quit school. Geet job at car wash.
  Junior: I don't think my algebra teacher will accept that.
  Larry: (walking away) What she know? She teach algebra.
• The strip's cameraman leaves something to be desired.
• Pig surprises the cable company.
• Larry lies in wait for Zebra... in the dryer.
• Pig becomes Doobie Kajoobie, Super Space Traveler after finding a "space helmet" in the mall. Rat informs him that it's actually a bicycle helmet.
  Pig: That's gonna limit my options.
• Rat shows Pig his "No Stupiding" sign. Enforcing it, as it turns out, is charmingly simple. Of course, sometimes he acts pre-emptively.
• One of the Crocs writes a letter to Nabisco because he has an idea for a new product - "Zeeb Newtons".
• The Crocs offer Zebra a big box of "Crockios" cereal. Each box comes with a special prize!
  Zebra: Why is your friend standing in it?
  Croc 1: He da special prize.
  Croc 2: No worry. Me wash feet.
• Rat has concluded that most of life's problems are caused by stupid people doing stupid things. But he has the answer - he shall classify every person as a "Smarto" or a "Stupido" based on his "Analysiso". Then the "Stupidos" will be thrown off a cliff, bounce off a trampoline, and land on "La Isla Stupida". There, they can perform acts of "stupidosity" upon the other "Stupidos", never to bother the "Smartos" again. Pig protests that he doesn't think there are any "stupid" people, just smart people making bad decisions, and that they're really all the same. Cut to Pig about to land on "La Isla Stupida".
• One of the Crocs pretends to be an "ALL-POWERFUL alien man from da outer space" in yet another attempt to eat Zebra.
• "I will scrub your toes."
• Pig is planning on going to Mexico, and he needs Rat's help with some Spanish words.
  Pig: Well... what's the Spanish word for taco?
  Rat: That's it.
  Pig: What's it?
  Rat: That's the word.
  Pig: What's the word?
  Rat: (annoyed) I just told you.
  Pig: You said that's the word.
  Rat: Yes.
  Pig: So what's the word for burrito?
  Rat: It's the same.
  Pig: It's the same.
  Rat: Yes.
  Pig: Then what's the word for an enchilada?
  Rat: (angrily) DUDE, DON'T BE A [CENSORED] MORON!
  (Cut to Pig in a Mexican restaurant)
  Waiter: You want WHAT, Señor?
  Pig: Two that's, one same, and dude, don't be a [CENSORED] moron.
• Goat is having computer problems, and as a result he hasn't been able to post on his blog. Rat's reaction to this is, well...
• Pig talks to Mr. Crumb about his conundrum of the humdrum of being mum and eating plums like a numb bum from some slum or drum and strum or hum with rum if dumb.
  Rat: (to Stephan Pastis) You're a nausea-inducing embarrassment.
  Stephan Pastis: Sick tum? Come. Have some gum.
• Rat went to a Starbucks at 11:00 on Monday and it was filled with people all sitting around. As a result, he began to ponder some of life's greatest mysteries. For example?
  "LIKE WHY DON'T THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS?!!"
• "I hate being taunted by dairy cows."
• "LARRY WANT GO MAGICAL BILDEEN NOWWWWW."
  Rat: (to Pig) Someone's at the front door for you.
  • Thus begins a storyline in which the Crocs attempt to eat Pig.
• Rat finding out that the local diner changed the color of their barstools results in a rant about how much he hates change.
• Rat tries meditation.
• Danny Donkey hates baggy jeans, caps that have to be worn a certain way, stubble, and neatly-trimmed goatees. In other words, he hates a lot of things about Stephan Pastis.
• Goat isn't thrilled that Rat dubbed him, in a book that he wrote, as an "arrogant know-nothing fathead". When he complains to Rat, Rat claims that the character isn't supposed to be Goat - his name is "Goatt".
  Rat: The lawyers assured me that was sufficient.
• Don't challenge Rat's "Chair o' Great Authority".
• "I can hold it."
• "Then pick a word you understand."
• Rat has decided that he and Pig are a dysfunctional duo.
  Pig: What should we do?
  Rat: Change.
  Pig: How?
  Rat: You change first... we'll see if it solves our problems.
  Pig: What part should I change?
  Rat: All the parts I don't like.
  Pig: How will I know which parts those are?
  Rat: (holds up a pencil and a piece of paper) Fine. I'll make a list of all your faults and number them 1) through 10).
  Pig: What if that doesn't solve our problems?
  Rat: Then at least we can say we tried?
  Pig: But I'm the one who will have tried. How can you say you tried?
  (Beat)
  Rat: (writing down on list) "1) Argumentative."
• Rat and Pig see a family therapist.
  Rat: Hi. My friend Pig and I aren't getting along. I was hoping you could help us by blaming him for everything and making him change.
  Therapist: I'm afraid that's not how therapy works.
  Rat: Perhaps you're not a good fit for us.
• Rat plants an Earworm.
• "I'm no expert, but do you suppose it could mean we have... gosh, I don't know... maybe... TOO MANY PEOPLE?!"
• Rat is going to be the wealthiest American alive.
• "Should I still spin the 'Wheel o' Possible Defendants'?"
• Rat decides to sue Neighbor Bob for no other reason than because he wants money.
• Pig introduces Zebra to Fred the Fennec Fox.
• Upon seeing Rat's self-affirmation poster, Pig decides that he wants one too.
• "You're stupid for dating me."
• Rat and Pig try their hand at a little Good Cop/Bad Cop. Pig, however, believes it to be Good Cop FAT Cop.
• Rat gets his job at the coffee shop back...
  "You'll get your change if I say you'll get your change."
• This strip has Rat letting a customer know that, unlike the happy employees in that old Burger King ad, special orders do indeed upset him.
• Rat has taken up jujitsu.
• "Are there interventions for stupidity?"
• "Hi... I'm that unclever guy on the internet."
• "If you don't know that coffee is hot, perhaps you're too [CENSORED] stupid to drink coffee."
• "Don't do it. It will get you sued."
• Pig and Guard Duck are rarely on the same page.
• From a storyline in which the Crocs get their hands on a bomb and try to use it on Zebra...
  • Guard Duck and Snuffles show up to dispose of the bomb...
    Zebra: I'm sorry, but are you guys really bomb disposal experts?
    Guard Duck: Please. We're trained professionals... so why don't you stop offending us and tell us where the bomb is.
    (Zebra points at the bomb, which is right behind them)
    Guard Duck: (to Snuffles) Make a note of that.
  • If they're gonna dismantle the bomb, they're gonna need the instructions. But they don't have the instructions. Snuffles just has the directions for programming their TV remote.
    Guard Duck: They are not "pretty much the same thing."
  • Speaking of instructions, the Crocs decide to read the instructions for detonation of their nuclear bomb. Step One is that the nuclear expressions are very powerful and to ensure your safety from the blast. One Croc's attempt at this is to close the curtains.
  • Eventually, the Crocs decide to just get rid of the bomb via dropping it from a plane in the middle of the desert. To say anything else would utterly spoil it. And to say anything else about the conclusion to this storyline would utterly spoil THAT.

2009

• Rat is Frank Lloyd Rat.
• Rat decides to start carrying around a window. Why? Well...
• Rat introduces Goat to the elephant in the room.
• Larry watches a football game.
• Three of the Crocs decide to become "the Fantastic Four".
  Pig: There's only three of them.
  Zebra: Math is not part of their fantasticalness.
  • One of them is Paper Jam Boy, whose super power is to clear paper jams. How does he do it? Well...
• Rat asks the age-old question, "What came first - the chicken or the egg?"
• Pig finds out about a prisoner on the lam.
• Rat decided to buy a parrot... but on the way home, the parrot learned some new words...
• "I have a medium-sized head."
• Larry believes that if you pull the Ignoring by Singing trick when others are singing "Happy Birthday to You!", you don't age that day.
• Rat watches hockey.
  "FIGHT, YOU TIME-WASTING FIGURE SKATERS!!!"
• "Mullets do not give you superpowers."
• Rat learns Yiddish.
• "That woman's very attractive."
• Larry helps Junior with his biology project.
• Rat has been reading the Guinness Book of World Records and he noticed that there's no record holder in the category of "Most Consecutive Times Slapping Your Rotund Friend in the Face".
• Larry doesn't understand how a fax machine works.
• "I am not fighting a duel."
• "SHUT YOU FACE, FAT MAN!!!!"
• How Rat gets out of sharing his donuts with Pig.
• Pig tries to see what's so risky about pushing the envelope.
• "SO JUNIOR HIGH BEEG WASTE OF TIME!!!"
• "Books is for idiots."
• "WOOMUN! LARRY NEED CUPPA JOE!"
• Rat is trying to figure out what makes stupid guys stupid.
• "THE BOOK MAKES NO [CENSORED] SENSE!!!!"
• Rat has figured out a way to identify whack-jobs. It involves bumper stickers.
• Goat says that if you look at all of a man's friends collectively, you have a good composite picture of the man. Rat's response is a riot.
• Goat is reading the complete works of Alexander Pushkin.
  Pig: Oh, I LOVE that guy.
  Goat: You do? How do you know him?
  Pig: He keeps all my papers stuck to the bulletin board?
  Goat: That's push pin.
  Pig: Oh. Maybe they're brothers.
• "That would be very confusing."
• "Please don't write in my journal."
• "Touch me and I push you down a flight of stairs."
• Larry helps his son with a report on Of Mice and Men.
  Junior: We have to compare and contrast the characters.
  Larry: Oh, peese. Dat like so easy.
  Junior: How do you figure?
  Larry: Mice is small. Men wear pants.
• Speaking of Larry helping Junior out with his homework, this strip has him presenting a quicker way for him and a classmate to dissect a frog - sticking it in a blender.
• Pig responding to Goat asking him for some pepper by PEPPER-SPRAYING GOAT.
  "And it seemed like such a convenient little spray."
• Rat meets Jeff the cyclist.
  Jeff the Cyclist: I AM FIT! I AM GREAT! SHARE THE ROAD!
  Rat: Well, he's humbler than I expected.
  Jeff the Cyclist: (pointing at Rat) YOU ARE FAT. YOU ARE LAZY. SHARE THE ROAD.
  • Even better, someone in the comments section compared Jeff to Calvin's Dad.
• "When you throw off the gravitational balance of the strip, you're too fat."
• "Hi. Me Fed Ex guy."
• Larry really does not want Junior to go to school.
• "I'd like to be seated somewhere else."
• Pig is watching an ant and wondering if it has all the daily struggles and worries that humans do.
• Rat gets a job as a book editor, choosing which submissions get published and which don't. The result:
  "Your opening word, 'the', was less than compelling. Better luck next time."
  • "I like to be encouraging."
• While watching National Geographic, Larry believes that the narrator's telling the audience to "join them" is to be taken literally and attempts to enter the TV.
  "Whoa. Ees dark een Africa."
• "So if at 'Farce' I don't suck seed, try dry again?"
  Rat: (to Stephan Pastis) Have some pride.
• Pig can be a terrific resource.
• "Technology made simple."
• Rat becomes the Pied Piper in order to lure neighbors that he hates out of the neighborhood.
• Rat questions as to why we say "Bless you" after one sneezes.
• Pig decided to buy forty bottles of hair gel at the grocery store... despite the fact that he doesn't have hair. He's a sucker for a sale.
• "They [CENSORED] you at the drive-thru."
• "My grammar is soooooo gooder."
• Larry attempting to start a chicken farm is just one big Epic Fail after another. First, he dresses up like Colonel Sanders and asks the chickens to jump into a "magical bucket". Then he decides to sell the farm to Bob... who the chickens attack with his own ax. Then the chickens somehow find out that Larry was raising them for food and they're pretty ticked-off, so Larry gives them a bucket of fried chicken as a peace offering. This, of course, does not work, but fortunately Junior is able to negotiate with the chickens - which results in them taking all of the furniture. And just to top it all off, Larry doesn't want to tell his wife that the chickens took the furniture, so he blames it on giant termites.
• Larry calling up Junior pretending to be the President of the United States, telling him to play the Wii instead of studying.
  "School for losers."
• "Hey... me a big anti-depressant."
• "Whoa. Sounds like someone's caught the 'stupid' bug."
• "CURSE YOU, TENURED PROFESSOR GUY!!!"
• "This Gus discussed his disgust with this gust on the discus."
• "In theory, that didn't hurt."
• A shark claims to be a swimming instructor, for obvious reasons.
• The Crocs, upon finding out about Zebra's crawl space, try to use it to get into Zebra's house. Alas, they keep smashing their snouts on the floor joists.
  "Whoa. Me is one huge ant."
• "It's called a poplar tree."
• Rat is Johnny Migraine, rebellious punk superstar, here to tour the states. Unlike other rebellious bands, he doesn't trash hotel rooms - he keeps them tidy.
  Goat: Okay, that is kinda rebellious.
  Rat: ROCK AND ROLL, BABY!
• In this strip, Rat writes a letter to Pixar, giving them an idea for a sympathetic main character in one of their movies - "Tipsy, the alcoholic petting zoo deer who bites the hands off of bad kids".
  Rat: (to Pig) I've got a real knack for family entertainment.
• Pig asks Goat what the word "ratify" means.
  Pig: Did the writers of the U.S. constitution have to make it more appealing to rats before the states would agree to it?
  Goat: No.
  Pig: So they didn't have to add in special provisions that only rats wanted?
  Goat: No.
  (Cut to Pig talking to Rat)
  Pig: That is not what ratify means.
  Rat: Oh? Then why wasn't it pigified?
• Goat comes across Pig, who is standing behind the "Uncool Fence". Why? Well, the cool people didn't want him behind THEIR fence. Who told him that?
  Rat: (standing behind the "Cool Fence", which is much taller) Greetings, nerd.
  • Goat tries to convince Pig that he doesn't have to accept Rat's "classification" of him as uncool, but it doesn't do any good.
    Rat: (to Goat) Hey hey hey... don't nerdify my fence.
  • And then...
    Goat: Okay, Rat, I'm getting really sick of your stupid "Cool Fence".
    Rat: So sayeth the nerd.
    Goat: Oh, please. That is so ridiculously juvenile. What do you think, that you get more girls because you stand behind a "Cool Fence"?
    Rat: Oh, no. For that I do a lot of Sudoku puzzles and drive a four-cylinder Honda Civic.
    Goat: Okay, now that hurts.
    Rat: (handing Goat a stick) Here's a stick, nerd. Go fight off all those babes.
• Rat has concluded that the world would be a much better place if everyone were a little less selfish and just started treating each other better. So what is he going to do about it?
  Rat: Wait for the world to start treating me better.
  Goat: (dryly) Of course.
  Rat: (standing up on the counter) I'm owed, baby... I'M OWED!
• Pig is wishing on a supernova.
  Goat: A supernova? That's a star that's collapsing in on itself.
  Pig: I know. Rat said I should wish on it because that way when my dreams implode it will all make cosmic sense.
  Goat: (to Rat) Why you little...
  Rat: (pointing up at the night sky) Look, Pig, a black hole... throw your hopes down it.
• The "Larry in Wonderland" storyline. It begins with Larry falling down a gopher hole and meeting a rabbit that resembles the White Rabbit, albeit brown instead of white. He winds up dressed as Alice, and tries to calm down by drinking a beer - a beer that makes the crocodile shrink. Zebra winds up falling on top of Larry and decides that the tables have turned - now Larry is the prey, and he's promptly eaten.
  • His crime is witnessed by the Mad Ducker (Guard Duck) and the Cheshire Snuffles (Snuffles with a Cheshire Cat Grin), and he is arrested by the soldiers (the Crocs) of the Queen (Patty)... who's actually quite happy about it. Afterwards, he encounters Tweedle Dum Pig and Tweedle Dee Idiot Pig, who aren't much help at all, and is put to sleep by an aromatic fog blown by the Raterpillar (Rat).
  • From there, things quickly take a turn from the insane as the Raterpillar eats all the characters... and Goat, despite his protests that he wasn't even in this storyline.
  • Then he eats Stephan Pastis.
• Rat becomes obsessed with "Twittifying" everything.
• Pig hears the house settling.
  "NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN YOUR DREAMS, HOUSE!!!"
• "Cows. They hate your freedom." Thus begins a storyline in which Guard Duck believes that cows are evil.
• "They're a dangerous sect."
• Goat tells Pig that he's working on building a ship in a bottle. It's very hard.
  Pig: I imagine. Your head is huge.
• Rat finally gets to see a bullfight. However, he expected more.
• Rat's use of Batman Gambit here. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
• "Greetings, kooky person."
  • From the same storyline, we have Rat giving great advice to someone who thinks aliens took his brain.
• Goat reads an autobiography about Marco Polo.
• Rat solves one of his problems in life.
• "Rat is God. Rat is God. Rat is God."
• Pig is playing with his magnetic letters. However, he is having trouble with his X.
  • Rat can't believe that Pig lets his X call him an idiot.
    Rat: Do all these guys call you names like that?
    Pig: 'Y.'
    Rat: Because I'm asking.
    Pig: 'Y' is someone calling me names.
    Rat: How should I know? I just want to know which ones do it.
    Pig: 'I.' Sometimes 'M.'
    Rat: You sometimes are what?
    Pig: Not 'U', sometimes 'R'... 'I', sometimes 'M'.
    Rat: I sometimes am WHAT?!
    Pig: 'I', sometimes 'M'... 'O'... 'K'.
    Rat: YOU ARE NOT OKAY! YOU'RE MAKING ME MAD!
    Pig: 'C'. That's about it.
    Rat: WHAT'S IT, YOU [CENSORED] IDIOT?!
    Pig: 'G'. Now I'm done.
    (Rat whacks Pig with a baseball bat)
    Pig: And I thought my 'X' was rude.
• Rat tries to make Bippy, a character Stephan Pastis created for the sole purpose of being marketable, welcome by punching him in the head. Then he uses him as a dodgeball.
• Rat has invented a kitchen gadget that shall make him rich. It is called the "Spoon Picker Upper". How does it work? Well, if you don't want to walk all the way to the spoon drawer to get a spoon, you can just reach for one with it. And it has OTHER uses, as Pig finds out the hard way.
• "FIGHT THE POWER!"
• "HEY HEY HEY! THAT'S MY CAR YOU'RE OVERTURNING!"
• "I will not be ignored, Pastis."
• Rat and Pig got a Wii. At the moment, they're trying Wii Boxing.
  Goat: (to Rat, who has just punched Pig multiple times) You don't actually punch the other guy.
• "T.V. beeg fat lie."
• Pig is growing weed.

2010

• Larry really could use a computer class.
• Rat drew a line on the floor. Said line is the boundary of Ratopia, a sovereign nation within which Rat is the king, czar, dictator and head cheese. Pig admits that he doesn't think he likes that. Rat's response is to kick him in the crotch.
  Rat: We have a very aggressive foreign policy.
  • Then he annexes the TV-sitting area as part of Ratopia because he needed a buffer state.
    Pig: Why is it called a buffer state?
    Rat: Because I am buffer than you, and if you touch it, I shall punch you.
    Goat: That is not the meaning of buffer state.
    Rat: (holding up fists) Do I sense an international incident?
    Pig: (walking off)' C'mon, Goat... let's go find Wimpy-Land.
    • Goat learns the hard way that Ratopia isn't too keen on puns either.
• "I'm betting on the Google."
• Larry attempting to show Zebra that he's the top of the food chain is an Epic Fail thanks to a bird landing on his head.
  • Bob tries to help.
  • "Larry had a bran muffin for breakfast."
    Floyd: You got bird on hed, Larry.
    Larry: (irritated) Me know dat, Floyd.
    Bird: Larry LOOOVES to be regular.
  • Eventually, he winds up attracting bird watchers.
    Larry: Hey hey hey. Geet lives, peeple.
• Rat meets Katie the Drama Cow.
  • And then, in a Call-Back to the previous storyline about Guard Duck thinking that cows "hate your freedom", we have Guard Duck meeting Katie the Drama Cow.
    "WHERE IS A FLAMETHROWER WHEN YOU NEED ONE?!"
  • He decides to bomb the house in order to take out Katie... only to wind up destroying somebody else's house. And then several others, which pleases the neighbor-hating Rat.
  • Next, he makes Snuffles into a "Helikitty with a Hand Grenade" in order to destroy Katie... and promptly discovers that Snuffles is still bitter that Guard Duck chose his girlfriend Maura over him in a previous story arc.
  • Eventually, the "Katie the Drama Cow" storyline winds up resolving the "Larry has a bird on his head" storyline - specifically, Snuffles flies over and eats the bird.
    Larry: In you FACE, freeky bird peeple!
  • Snuffles gives the Crocs the idea to be "Heli-Crocs" so they can fly over and blow up Zebra's house with a hand grenade. Too bad one of the Crocs doesn't quite know how to USE a hand grenade...
  • The storyline concludes with Rat getting rid of Katie by Googling "Cows" and "India", learning that the people of India love cows, and extradited her there. Upon hearing Rat use the word "Google", Larry sees Katie walking out the door and assumes that she's "DA GOOGLE". In the third panel, we see Katie being chased by Larry, another Croc, Guard Duck, and Snuffles the Helikitty.
    Rat: (watching this from the window) Well, now there's a scene you won't find in Hi and Lois.
    Pig: Get some help, Steph.
    Stephan: Hey, you try ending four storylines in one strip.
• Ladies and gentlemen, "Danny Donkey's Guide to Spiritual Fulfillment".
• Rat gets a job as a census taker.
• Rat considers playing Chutes and Ladders to be Serious Business.
• "YOU CAN'T TAKE ART FROM OTHER COMIC STRIPS! WE'LL GET SUED!"
• Zebra meets a lion named Lucky whose hunting style leaves a lot to be desired.
• "For no reason, me tink you not fat."
• Larry decides to write a song.
• "THOSE GEEZERS ARE STEALING MY TENNIS BALLS!!!"
• "Please stop throwing nuts at my head."
• Pig finds a magical baby unicorn. Rat, upon finding out about this, uses the unicorn to pick up trash.
• Goat saves Rat a morning and an idea to start a pledge drive.
• In yet another attempt to eat Zebra, the Crocs claim that they're now government census takers. Zebra, for obvious reasons, doesn't believe them. Larry tries to prove it by asking him some questions...
  Larry: Uh, first, how many guys you has een you house?
  Zebra: Just me.
  Larry: Okay... and whuh ees you job?
  Zebra: I'm unemployed.
  Larry: Sound gud. And does you has keeds?
  Zebra: No.
  Larry: And, uhhh, how far can you reech arm eento Larry's mouth? (opens wide) Ahhhhhhhhh.
  (Zebra goes back into his house and slams the door in Larry's face)
  Larry: (to other Croc) Someone no like dere govermint.
• Rat gets a job as a greeter at Walmotopia.
  "Yo, Big Bones. Can't you see I'm on the phone?"
  • "Walmotopia's Friendly Greeter says 'Hi.' But he is trying to watch a movie on his iPhone. So please remove your chubby, stretch-pants-covered rear from his face."
  "No, I will not give you my manager."
  • Another customer asks him where the shoes are. Rat's response is this...
    Rat: Yes, well, I can see why you'd be confused, sir, as we've cryptically hidden them in an aisle marked "Shoes".
    Customer: (annoyed) Where is the aisle?
    Rat: In the store, sir, where we like to keep most of our aisles.
    Customer: (angrily) Where is your manager?
    Rat: Another question? Please, sir, give it a rest.
    • Then...
    Customer: Hi. I'm looking for a television.
    Rat: (reading a book) And I'm looking for some solitude.
    Customer: What's that got to do with my search for a television?
    Rat: It's interfering with my search for solitude.
    (The customer is angry)
    Rat: I see we're at loggerheads.
• One of the Crocs dresses up as Spider-Man and attempts to catch Zebra with Silly String.
  Pig: (whispering to Zebra) I don't think that's what Spider-Man uses.
  Zebra: Thanks, Pig. I know.
• Rat tells Pig that his story is "positively prosaic", a word that he is very much aware Pig does not know the definition of. Goat, on the other hand...
• Pig and Guard Duck have a garage sale.
• "Care to step outside?"
• Pig was going to go gamble at a new casino, but it's such a long drive that he figured he would save time and gas by just staying home and setting fire to his money in the backyard. A rare Genre Savvy moment for Pig.
• "Anyone ever tell you you're about as interesting as a French film?"
• "Ah ha ha."
• "I'm calling it a superpower."
• Goat asks Rat if he's ever worried about offending anyone when he calls others idiots. After all, millions of people read the comic.
• Bob and Larry encourage Zebra to save the environment... by putting Bob in his house.
• Goat helps Pig make a monthly budget.
• Pig and Rat need an accountant to help with their taxes, so Pig introduces Rat to Bernie Bear. He's honest, he's diligent, and he's good with numbers. There's just one problem - he's asleep from November through March (but he really picks up post-hibernation).
  • So then Pig finds another accountant, Andy the Aardvark. He's a whiz with numbers. Alas, he's also nocturnal.
  • Rat then decides to ask their neighbor Alan for help. Alan is smart, honest, has thirty years' experience... and is also a little burned-out. The expression on his face is what makes the strip.
    Alan: (staring at paper) YAAAAAY... more [CENSORED] numbers.
• Rat introduces Pig to Tubey, his cylindrical pillow acquaintance.
• Pig tries the video phone on his computer. He has difficulty finding the camera, resulting in... well, we won't give it away.
• Speaking of the video phone, this strip has Rat giving it a try... he's not too fond of it, resulting in quite possibly one of the funniest Pearls Before Swine strips of all time.
  Goat: Hey, Rat, it's me, Goat.
  Rat: AHHHH... what's your stupid face doing on Pig's new computer?!
  Goat: It's "iChat". It's a videophone.
  Rat: Why would I want to see your dumb face when we talk? I don't even want to hear your voice.
  Goat: Aww, don't be such a misanthrope... hey, what kind of beer is that?
  Rat: (horrified) What kind of— ...YOU CAN SEE ME?!
  Goat: Of course I can... it's a videophone.
  Rat: AAAUGHHHHH GET OUT OF MY [CENSORED] HOUSE!!
  Goat: Hey hey hey... calm down. Just terminate the call if you don't—
  (Rat kicks the computer, destroying it)
  (Beat)
  Rat: (to a shocked Pig) It broke.
• Pig drops by Zebra's house to check out his new skylight. Zebra, as it turns out, is planning to get rid of it because the Crocs are using it as their own personal "Food Channel". Eventually he starts wearing a paper bag over his head in an effort to get some privacy. By the time Goat drops by, there are even more Crocs peering through the skylight.
  • Eventually, so many Crocs get on top of the skylight that it gives way, causing the Crocs to fall into Zebra's house. Zebra asks Rat if he can stay with him and Pig, but Rat, being Rat, isn't much help.
  • The Crocs, meanwhile, aren't quite sure what to do. They eventually decide to "cost zeeba monies" by calling China, but Larry doesn't quite get the concept.
  • Fortunately, Pig tells Zebra that he can indeed stay with him and Rat. Rat, of course, is not pleased. But then Guard Duck gets rid of the Crocs... and Zebra's house.
    "Hey, tomahawk missiles are not surgeons' scalpels."
• It's not hard to feel sorry for Goat here, but that doesn't stop this strip from being funny.
• Rat confining Pig in stocks for "having a large butt that continually smooshes the remote so deep beneath the sofa cushions that no one else can ever find it".
  Goat: (covering his eyes) I'm not seeing this.
• Pig reads a magazine about model trains.
  Pig: I think I'm gonna build my own train layout.
  Goat: Oh, yeah? I used to do that. Standard gauge or narrow? "O" Scale? "G" Scale? "S" Scale?
  Pig: One that goes "choo choo".
• Rat asks Stephan Pastis if it would be illegal for a cartoonist to mention a brand name product in his comic strip in the hopes that the company would send him free samples. When Stephan tells him that no, it isn't, Rat shouts "SIERRA NEVADA BEER!!" multiple times, then heads out to stand by the mailbox. According to Stephan in the commentary, it worked.
• "Whoa. If you find me attractive, you can't be that attractive."
• Rat writes a children's book in which Danny Donkey goes around turning people into giant cans of beer. It's just so ludicrous that it's hard not to laugh.
• Rat is now the Honorable Rat, Judge of the Universe.
  Goat: You don't even know what a judge is?
  Rat: Sure I do. Everything I say is right, and if anyone disagrees with me, I can pound 'em in the head with my hammer.
  Goat: It's called a gavel.
  Rat: Sounds like someone needs a pounding.
  • In the next strip, Rat has a judgement on the most pressing issue of our age - people gaining thirty or more pounds not updating their Facebook photos.
    Goat: That's the most pressing issue of our age?
    Rat: It's very annoying.
    Pig: WILL THERE BE PRISON TIME INVOLVED?!?
  • Rat releases his list of "The Top Seven Things Whose Appeal I Don't Get".
• At a restaurant, Rat orders some "AntiPastis".
• "Do you really think I'm stupid?"
• "Dat no what ghost writer is, Larry."
• Goat asks Rat if he even knows what humility is. Predictably, Rat does not.
  Rat: Humility is what you strive for when you've failed at everything else.
  Pig: I'VE ACHIEVED SOMETHING!!
  Goat: That's not it.
  Rat: Fine. You've stumped me.
• Pig and Goat meet J. Rutherford Shrimp, founder of "Shrimps For a Better Future".
• Rat delivers a kind message to all the wonderful manufacturers of fine products that come in neat little enclosed plastic packages.
• "Ooh! An email."
• "Help Cynical Me find happiness!"
  Pig: I WILL FIND A WAY!
• Rare is the comics page Bigfoot sighting.
• Stephan Pastis gets a call from Jeff Keane.
• Rat has a new philosophy that he thinks could promote peace and harmony in the universe - "GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT!"
• "Languages is sort of my strength."
• Rat takes part in one of those Civil War battle re-enactments.
  "Metallica gets me pumped for battle."
  • "I should change that ringtone."
  • "McNugget?"
• Zebra meets Potus, the Pachyderm Peace Officer. His captain's asked him to work out a compromise between Zebra and the Crocs. His idea is that Zebra give the Crocs one of his hands.
  Zebra: (aggravated) That is not a compromise.
  Potus: Please, sir, you've got two.
  • Potus asks Zebra just what, exactly, is wrong with his idea.
    Zebra: What's WRONG? I'll tell you what's wrong! What if I give 'em my hand and things don't work out?! THEN WHAT?? GIVE 'EM 'MY LEGS?!! MAYBE MY HEAD?!?
    Potus: (looking at his notepad) It's like you're reading my notes.
  • Eventually, Potus apologizes to Zebra for suggesting that he give the Crocs a part of his body to eat. Zebra thanks him. Then...
    Potus: Got a sibling you don't like?
    Zebra: (ticked-off) Please leave.
  • The Crocs try to corrupt the process by giving Potus multiple bags of peanuts.
• Rat meets Pig's friend Jacko the fire-breathing dragon... who as it turns out has allergies.
• "YOU CANNOT FILIBUSTER A COMIC STRIP!!"
• After Larry goes back to school - fourth grade, to be exact - to get an education, his teacher tells him that his book report on Tom Sawyer is not acceptable. Why? Because "booook long" does not an acceptable book report make.
• "Nuts. I can still HEAR the idiots."
• Another strip in the "Larry returns to the fourth grade" storyline - Larry takes an American history exam.
• "Why you so boring?"
• Rat has founded an opera company. He doesn't have anybody that can sing opera, but he does have a fat guy dressed funny (Pig). It's ninety-percent of the battle.
• "You've bored us to the depths of our studs."
• Pig's "Vending Machine O' Dreams" is all out of "Bags O' Immediate Gratification".
• Stephan Pastis decides that Pearls Before Swine needs a "go-to gag" - something reliably funny that they could return to over and over. Cue Rat pulling a football that Pig is about to kick away.
  Stephan: Our OWN.
  Rat: Oh. That's been done before?
  Pig: (now dressed as Charlie Brown) Good grief.
• Goat doesn't think that he'll put "Rat's Book of Maxims" on his summer reading list.
  • "YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH!"
• "Enough."
• Rat apparently uses a bedpost as a pool noodle.
• "Pudgy, unsmart pig seeks new me."
• Yet another attempt by the Crocs to eat Zebra. Here they give him a giant ostrich egg with a Croc inside it, encouraging him to put it in his house and make an omelette. Doesn't work.
• Rat takes advantage of the copyright line between the panels to reveal something embarrassing about Stephan Pastis.
  "Take it down."
• The Crocs remodel their house.
• Pig's reaction to finding out that Goat has a pen pal who lives in Wales. What else really needs to be said?
• Rat gives Goat a plaque for being the last letter-writer in America. The prize also includes an oil lamp and a buggy whip.
  • Even the MAILMAN is making Goat feel like a loser for writing a letter.
• "I'm not putting out any more samples until you guys leave."
• "PREPARE FOR AN EMAIL!!"
• How many muscles does it take to pummel a perky guy?
• Rat now has his own iPod, iPhone and iPad.
  Goat: You know, I always hate hanging out with people who have all that stuff because they pay more attention to all that than they do to the people they're with.
  Rat: Yes. It is all part of my grand strategy for social interaction with those around me.
  Goat: Which is what?
  Rat: iIgnore.
  Goat: iGiveUp.
  Pig: iHuggaYouMakeYouFeelBetter.
• The strip gains a literal Greek Chorus.
• Rat demonstrates his "hot look" - he squints seductively, puffs out his lips and flexes his biceps. The result? The girl that he's trying to impress holding her stomach and running to the bathroom.
• Rat and Pig find an Indian basket after digging in their backyard. Goat says that the land that their house is on must have been the home of a Native American tribe.
  Goat: Do you know what this means?
  (Rat is suddenly at a blackjack table)
  Rat: One step ahead of you.
  Goat: (angrily) No.
  Pig: And look! Rat found a blackjack table!
  • Then Zebra points out that the basket has "Macy's" written on the bottom of it.
    Rat: So THAT was our tribe.
    Zebra: That is not a tribe.
    Pig: How fierce were these Macy's?
  • Soon Rat's casino is open for business. Alas, Pig isn't very good at card games.
• "This seems excessive."
• In yet another wonderful example of the strip Breaking the Fourth Wall, we have the copyright line falling onto Pig.
  Rat: There's one for the blooper reel.
• One of the Crocs has had his speech noticeably improved by genetic engineering. Bob had genetic engineering done too, but his was not as successful.
• "So Danny Donkey balanced a beer on his head and set a goal of throwing his cell phone into the sea, which he achieved."
• "We play game of peeckle wid Bob."
• Quite possibly the Crocs' most pathetic attempt at eating Zebra yet.
• "TAKE MY APOLOGY FOR THE HOLLOW GESTURE IT IS!"
• Pig wants to introduce Rat to a new friend of his. He's a big fan. Literally.
  Rat: (to Stephan Pastis) They pay you for this?
• Rat becomes Robin Hood in order to take back the wealth of the top one percent of Americans.
  Goat: To give to the poor?
  Rat: Well now that would be stupid.
• Rat has somehow gotten his hands on a vuvuzela. Cell phone blabbers beware.
• Rat meets a flying fish.
• Rat asks Goat why it's important to be non-judgmental.
  Goat: Because nobody is perfect, so to judge others is to invite judgment upon ourselves.
  Rat: So nobody should judge anybody because we all have flaws and thus are not in a position to judge others.
  Goat: Exactly.
  Rat: Then who tells the idiots they're idiots?
  Goat: You might be missing the point.
  Rat: IT'S A PUBLIC SERVICE I PERFORM!
• Rat meets Pig's new friend, Sean.
  Rat: Why's his shirt off?
  Pig: Because Sean works out every day and thus needs but the flimsiest of excuses to remove his shirt in public settings.
  Rat: We're in a restaurant.
  Sean: Helps me digest.
  Pig: Whoa whoa whoa, Sean, keep on the pants.
• Rat really does not like the expression "do me a solid".
• Goat is reading Fahrenheit 451.
  Goat: It's this science fiction novel about a hedonistic anti-intellectual society where nobody can own books, so nobody reads. Instead, everyone just sits around watching interactive wall-size TV's.
  Rat: You just described my living room.
  Goat: (does a Facepalm) Well, it used to be science fiction.
  Rat: Hey, their TV's aren't bigger than mine, are they?
• "I'm sorry that you were offended."
• From a storyline in which Larry goes on Celebrity Jeopardy!...
  • "Mee no kan spel nayme."
  • "Me no can read, FATFACE."
  • The other Crocs' over-the-top reactions to Larry actually getting an answer right.
  • "EEN YOU FACE, TREEBEK!!!"
• Pig works on a jigsaw puzzle.
• "Please, sir. Help make a difference."
• Rat's cheery grin in the second panel of this strip is hilarious.
• Pig has an island installed in his and Rat's kitchen.
• "I think it's in the rules."
• Rat proves that Goat's stories really are as boring as watching paint dry.
• Rat is watching a bunch of fat Italians yelling at each other.
• "My strip is not a 'Mad Lib'."
  Rat: Why not? It beats the ________ you write.
• "The Washington Monument does not depict George Washington."
• "The airline fee structure..it's not just for airlines anymore."
• "The diner got new wallpaper."
• Rat managing to stop the strip from doing yet another Incredibly Lame Pun. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
• Rat has decided to become a therapist.
• Goat's reaction to finding out that he didn't click "Reply" when sending an email admitting to one cousin that he hates all of his other relatives - he clicked "Reply All".
• The Crocs setting up an oil rig so that they can dig up gophers and snack on them for life. And it works. Alas, they can't turn it off. So they decide to hold a press conference to tell everyone that they're monitoring 24/7 - and by that, they mean that they're watching the show 24 seven days a week ("We has on DVD. It reely gud show."). Rat eventually solves the problem by dropping an anvil on Stephan Pastis' head so that he won't keep drawing the gophers.
• Rat doesn't quite understand how you're supposed to play "Slug Bug".
  Goat: (to Rat, who just punched Pig in the nose) There wasn't even a Volkswagen!
  Rat: I imagined it.
• "You're boring my kangaroo."
• "Panel walls can be so thin."
• "Prepare for a disturbance in the force."

2011

• Goat sets off Rat's "Boring Guy-ometer".
• The strip gets a new character - a rhinoceros who horns in on other peoples' conversations.
• Rat is putting together a cover for the next Pearls Before Swine book. He thinks sticking Calvin and Hobbes on the cover will help increase sales.
• "Quick, throw you wheel."
• What is the true purpose for which we are put on this Earth? According to Rat, it's lawn care.
• "I'M A FAT GUY YOU KNOW! I'M A FAT GUY YOU KNOW!"
• "I think he's on to us."
• Rat decides that since there are motion-activated paper towel dispensers, there should also be motion-activated brains for stupid people.
  Goat: (annoyed) I hardly think—
  Rat: (waving his hand in front of an approaching Pig) SHHHH... activating.
  Pig: Well, hello to you, Rat.
• Pig has to give a speech tomorrow, but public speaking makes him a little nervous.
• The Super Bowl is confusing Pig.
  "RUN FASTER, FAT MEN, FASTER!!"
• Rat labeling everything in the strip after telling Stephan Pastis that his drawing is bad.
  "Quick question... is that supposed to be a piece of paper?"
• Pig got a job writing billboard ads.
• "But I don't want to live on the roof."
• "Do you really think my muscles are that big?"
• "And that's why pigs don't have a mating dance."
• "TUNAS REVOLTED!! TUNAS REVOLTED!!"
• Rat used to be very judgmental of others, but now he realizes that everyone - even him - are deeply flawed. Goat asks if Rat now feels more humble. Rat's response?
  Rat: Proud. My flaws have more style.
  Goat: Never mind.
  Rat: Why be humble when you can be me?
• The Crocs become, in Zebra's words, "cheap corporate shills".
• "Pastor's dull sermons make hell seem like an appealing alternative."
• "Hoof hoof hoof hoof hoof hoof."
• Larry and Bob are fishing... and Bob's the bait.
• Pig introduces Rat to some huge fans of his. However, they prefer to be called "portly" fans.
• Rat can't sleep. He's afraid - not of the dark, but rather of lazy cartoonists who use dark room gags to save themselves two panels of drawing.
• "Me sense flaw een plan, Bob."
• While staying with Rat and Pig while Goat's house is being painted, Goat learns that Pig's bedroom is where the magic happens.
• "My friend would like some I.D."
• "I sure miss phone booths."
• As it turns out, Pig only watches Alfred Hitchcock movies so that he can find Alfred's Creator Cameos.
  Pig: FOUND THE FAT MAN!
• In order to save money, Rat has decided to skip haircuts. And soap. He's now Au Naturel.
• Goat accidentally offending chopped liver.
• Goat meets Rat's friend, Big Guido.
• Rat decides to change the font in the strip's word balloons to a font typed on the computer in order to make it easier to read, much to Stephan Pastis' ire. Then Rat takes advantage of the computer's "copy and paste" feature, which Stephan's not too thrilled about either.
  "Delete those now."
• Pig asks Goat a complex question.
  Pig: Alright, so if a guy is from America, you say he's American. And if a guy is from Russia, you say he's Russian. But if the guy is from Finland, you say he's what?
  Goat: Finnish.
  Pig: I did.
  Goat: Did what?
  Pig: You're not very helpful.
• "It's getting harder and harder to write a college graduation card."
• Rat going on a literal crusade against Starbucks simply because they don't put enough room in his cup for cream.
• Rat challenges Stephan Pastis to an ugly face contest. Stephan wins.
• Zebra gets a visit from "the Eester Bunny".
• Pig slapping Goat for calling his new girlfriend a "dirty blonde".
• "The key to negotiation is to start big."
• The Crocs attempt to sue Zebra again.
• Pig is dating somebody who really lights up a room. Take a while guess just what that "somebody" is.
• "FOUR LOTTO TICKETS! I AM GUARANTEED TO WIN!!"
• Pig is a beekeeper.
• Larry is not a particularly good "tree croc".
• "Don't mind me."
• Rat got a Snuggie.
• "How come nobody bowing down?"
• Pig knows who's going to win the Nobel Prize for scientific breakthroughs...
• Larry, Vice President of the Kids Club Treehouse, has a chat with Timmy, the secretary of the treasury.
• "Perhaps I could be thoughtful-er."
• HEEEEEEERE'S RATTY...
• "EES YOU ON DRUGS?!!"
  • The next day's strip is even funnier.
• Rat writes an inspirational "Be Yourself" book.
• The coffee shop, for whatever reason, has decided to hire Rat again. But this time he's got a new guarantee - he's either nice to the customers or their next cup is free.
  Customer: But will you be rude the next time?
  Rat: Ruder.
  Customer: What kind of deal is that?
  Rat: Not a good one, you oafish chowderhead. Oops... next one's on me.
  • The next day...
    Bearded Customer: Hi, I'd like a grande, one pump, vanilla, nonfat, caramel macchiato.
    Rat: And I'd like world peace, but lo, it's not to be.
    Bearded Customer: I take it I'm not getting my order.
    Rat: Shhhh, I'm wishing for unicorns to dance upon your head.
  • Then Rat responds to another customer giving him a complicated drink order by giving the customer a time-out.
    Rat's Boss: We do not discipline our customers.
    Rat: Which is why they're out of control.
    Customer: May I come out now?
  • What's the one thing even more absurd than giving a customer a time-out just for giving a complicated drink order? The answer: "breaking up with" a customer for giving a complicated drink order on the grounds that they're a "high-maintenance customer". Which is exactly what Rat does here.
• Larry plans his treehouse coup.
  Larry: Me revolting.
  Bob: No, you not, Larry. You juss leetle bit ugly.
  Larry: Mebbe me no need you help, Bob.
  Bob: Mebbe juss geet new face, you be okay, Larry.
• Rat asks Stephan if they're allowed to use the word "poop". Stephan says no. How does Rat use that to Troll Stephan? By offering to show him the different parts of the model ship that he just built, starting with the POOP DECK.
• "Me juss doing leetle pruning."
• The best way to handle someone else's offering to show you their vacation photos.
• Yet another Who's on First? routine between Rat and Pig.
• Pig watches a 3D film.
• Rat finds out that some bottled water is just city water repackaged.
  "FILL, YOU FAT PIG, FILL!!!"
  • He offers some of his new bottled water to Goat...
    Rat: See, it's got a beautiful mountain spring on the label. I even gave it a fancy French-sounding name: "Le Lavabo".
    Goat: "Le Lavabo" means "bathroom sink".
    Rat: Nuts. I've given away my secret source.
    Goat: (slaps his forehead) Go away.
    Pig: If it makes you feel better, some of it comes from our tub.
• Pig doesn't quite understand what a movie trailer is.
• "Things are different on 'Opposite Day'."
• Rat really shouldn't buy build-it-yourself furniture.
• Bob, Larry and Junior watch The Muppets.
• "Will you please stop doing that every time I drink a smoothie?"
• "Expanse... narrowing. Goat... brilliant."
• Never use the expression "floundering" around a flounder.
• Pig doesn't know what a stationery store is.
• An alien spaceship lands in front of Rat and Pig. And from out of that spaceship emerges... a can of beer with limbs.
  Rat: (to Pig) I sense a clash of civilizations.
  • The alien beer cans ask for a summit so that they, Rat and Pig can discuss their respective goals.
    Beer: Ours is to promote interplanetary peace through the exchange of technology and culture.
    Rat: Mine is to drink your head. If it's any consolation, I'll recycle the can.
  • And he promptly does that.
• The Crocs get their hands on explosives and try to use them on Zebra. Due to Bob's incompetence, it doesn't work.
  "We having techneecal deeficulties."
• Pig and Guard Duck go to outer space.
  • However, they only have two of their "three essential items". In order, they are root beer, peanut butter and oxygen supply. Guess which one they don't have.
    "It's very tasty peanut butter."
  • They come across Pluto.
  • And then the beer can aliens make a reappearance to supply Pig and Guard Duck with oxygen.
• "Tonight at six... how fat dwarves are planning to eat you."
• "OVERTHROW IT!!!"
• "Jiffy and Spiffy, the Two Good Citizens". Pig loves Spiffy best.
• Pig introduces Goat to Pluto.
• Do not taunt Pig's Guard Frog.
• In an attempt to make the strip more family-friendly, Stephan invites Dennis the Menace (US) to appear. The result - Dennis setting a fire.
• Pig suggests that the Guard Frog become the "cute pet" of the strip. Stephan says that a family strip needs a cute dog or cat a la Earl and Mooch from Mutts. The Guard Frog, as it turns out, is not a Mutts fan.
• Zebra builds a wall for more protection from predators, resulting in a cameo from Charlie Brown and Linus.
  • The wall gets bigger, thanks to some help from the kids from the Kids Club Treehouse.
    Larry: (to Stephan Pastis) Dis very upsetting storyline.
  • One of the Crocs complains that by building the wall higher, Zebra is "hurteeng our relashunsheep". Zebra says that their "relationship" consisted mainly of the Crocs trying to eat Zebra.
    Croc: Try to focus on da gud times.
  • Pig and Goat talk about the kids' helping Zebra... resulting in another misunderstanding from Pig.
  • "MEESTER ZEEBACHEV... TEAR DOWN DIS WALL!!!"
    Goat: Did Ronald Reagan conclude by throwing beer cans?
    Zebra: HEY! RECYCLE THOSE!
  • "He no leesten gud."
  • Eventually, Larry points out to another, Melvin, that HE went grocery shopping for their fraternity whereas Melvin didn't do any chore. Thus, he gives Melvin a chore - to blow up the wall via a bomb strapped to his body.
    Melvin: Me feel like you got better part of deal.
  • "Melvin seem unclear on concept."
  • Melvin tells Larry that he will get even... by unfriending Larry on Facebook.
    Larry: Dat low blow, Melvin.
  • "Sorry, but me got take queek potty break."
  • Melvin takes so long in the bathroom that eventually the other Crocs bust into the bathroom and grab Melvin. Using Junior's see-saw, they launch Melvin into the sky... and he winds up landing on and destroying the prison where Stephan Pastis was being held.
• Rat's Guide to Being a Team Player.
• "I am not one of your cattle."
  Rat: Not now you're not.
• Pig finally got a date... at the grocery store.
• "He is such a show-off."
• Rat is indeed a tad tightly-wound.
• Pig ticked Rat off, so he's holding a grudge as a means of revenge. Pig isn't really affected.
• "I sense sarcasm."
• Rat is going around giving everyone "clever, well-thought-out nicknames that somehow reflect who each of us are". Rat being Rat, he's given himself the nickname "God's Gift to the World". Goat, meanwhile, has the nickname "Mr. Crappo".
  Rat: (to an annoyed Goat) I tried to be fair.
• "This will improve our friendship."
• "The words 'that boring goat' won't fit on my shard."
• Using the acronym "LOL" earns Goat a baseball bat to the face. Zebra winds up earning one, too.
  Rat: (in email) IHTOASMTIATCOTYHABYWABOL
  Zebra: Hey, Pig, do you have any idea what that means?
  Pig: "I Hate That Overused Acronym So Much That I'm About To Come Over To Your House And Beat You With A Bat Out Loud".
  (enter Rat, who does exactly that)
  Rat: I'd appreciate you not warning them in advance.
• What really makes this strip funny is a combination of Rat's bluntness, the fact that he cut down a huge tree, causing it to crush Zebra's house, just to see if it would indeed crush Goat's house, his thinking that saying "I meant well" will automatically make it okay, and especially Goat's horrified reaction to learning this information.
• Zebra meets "Magic Bunny", who can make a five-dollar bill disappear.
• Rat has stumbled upon a form of communication that he believes to have been written by aliens. Actually, it's just Welsh.
  Rat: Do you suppose they come in peace?
• "Must you hire a tugboat?"
• "You bore me so much I fear I'll fall asleep and drown in my soup."
• Pig introduces Goat to his friend Timbo the tortoise. He's in public relations.
• Quite possibly Zebra's first Not So Above It All moment in the history of the strip. When even Larry thinks you're strange, you're doing something wrong.
• Rat didn't get a Genius Grant from the MacArthur Foundation and he's pretty upset about it.
• Rat got fat.
  • And then manages to lose the weight. How did he do it? By eating less.
• "Friday, October 7th is Garbanzo Bean Day!" And no one disrespects Garbanzo Bean Day. And don't even think about pointing out that half the country calls garbanzo beans "chickpeas".
• Meet Eddie the Exclamation Point, the most abused and overused punctuation mark in the entire internet age.
• "It does take a lot of work to write 'Pig' fifty times."
• Pig threw a message-in-a-bottle, hoping that it'll reach some far-off civilization that'll send him a message back, into the bathtub. Rat, instead of pointing out to him how flawed his plan is, suggests that maybe the ring around the tub will contact him.
• "You're a foo foo fatface."
• "It's been a good month."
• "Bad laughs: the great deal-breaker."
• Seeing a hotel room with a TV in the bathroom on the Travel Channel gives Pig an idea...
• "Pig, she has a tic."
• Rat is tired of routine. He needs change. His solution to this problem is to burn down the house.
• "Must be nice to get some recognition."

2012

• "I'm gonna make them a Hoffa they can't re-fuse." Plus Pastis ends up sleeping with the fishes.
• The "Occupy Sesame Street" arc (and the following Mr. Rat's Neighborhood arc), starting here.

Other

• Stephan Pastis' commentary in the treasuries tends to be pretty funny too.