Funny / Patton

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• Patton, taking command of the disorganized Army after the disaster at Kasserine Pass, literally stumbles across a soldier sleeping in the hallway.
  Soldier: (offscreen) Hey, who's kicking me in the head?
  Capt. Jenson: What are you doing there, soldier?
  Soldier (getting up from floor): Trying to get some sleep, sir.
  Patton: Well, get back down there, son. You're the only son of a bitch in this headquarters who knows what he's trying to do.
  • In the same scene, Patton informing the kitchen that its new hours of operation are between 6-6:15 am. He adds:
  Patton: Gentlemen, from this moment any man without leggings, without a helmet, without a tie, any man with unshined shoes or soiled uniform... is going to be skinned.
  • Also in the same scene, Patton comes across a recruit with a pinup poster near his bed. At first, he gives the guy a smirk that basically reads "Yeah, she's hot"... only to rip it down from the wall after a beat.
  Patton: This is a barracks, not a bordello.
• Patton is discussing problems with air support with a Royal Air Force officer, who is dismissive of the American's claims of lack of air cover.
  Air Vice Marshal Sir Arthur Coningham: I promise you one thing, General. You will see no more German planes.
  (German bombers immediately attack the building. The officers take cover under a table.)
  Patton: We were discussing air supremacy, Sir Arthur?
  • Also after the planes left.
  Coningham: How the devil did you manage to stage that?!
  Patton: I don't know...but if I could find the sons of bitches flying those planes, I'd give them each a medal!
• While under fire in Sicily, General Bradley loses his helmet and is forced to grab a random one, leaving him without rank insignia. Seconds later, he takes cover with a random soldier:
  Soldier: What silly son of a bitch is in charge of this operation?
  Bradley: I don't know, but they oughta hang him.
• During the Sicily campaign:
  Steiger: Sir, the Americans have taken Palermo!
  General Jodl: Damn!
  (cut to)
  British soldier: Sir, Patton's taken Palermo!
  Field Marshal Montgomery: (much louder) DAMN!
  • And the scene abruptly changes to Patton riding victoriously through the streets of Palermo, when one of his aides brings up a message they'd just received instructing them not to take the city:
  Patton: Ask them if they'd like me to give it back!
• The British march into Messina, the key to Sicily and the planned-for invasion of Italy. But Monty finds that Patton has gotten there first:
  Field Marshal Montgomery: Don't smirk, Patton. I shan't kiss you.
  Patton: Pity. I shaved very close this morning in preparation for getting smacked by you.
  • In that same scene, Montgomery leads his troops off, the band playing their bagpipes — only for the bagpipes to get drowned out by the US Army band playing "The Stars and Stripes Forever."
• The German high command watch footage of Patton landing in Sicily and Omar Bradley appears onscreen:
  Captain Steiger: "He is most capable yet unpretentious. Unusual for a general."
  (General Jodl sitting in front of him gives him a side eye glance)
  Steiger: "Sorry."
• During Patton's race across France, two different Army divisions get stuck in a traffic jam. Patton himself works as the traffic cop to keep his Army moving.
• "Weather's perfect! Cod, get me that chaplain. He stands in good with the Lord and I want to decorate him."
• The exchange between Patton, the Russian Translator and the Russian General.
  Translator: The General wants to know if you would join him in a drink to the surrender of Germany!
  Patton: My compliments to the General. Please inform him that I do not care to drink with him or any other Russian son of a bitch. (smiling)
  Translator: Sir... I-I cannot tell the General that.
  Patton: (still smiling)Tell him that. Tell him word for word.
  Translator: (Tells the general what Patton told him. The general's smile changes to a disgusted look and he says something in Russian.)
  Translator: The General says that he thinks that... (nervous smile) you are a son of a bitch, too!
  Patton: [Beat] (laughs) Okay, I'll drink to that. One son of a bitch to another.
  [Patton and the Russian General share a drink with their arms interlocked, each keeping a very close eye on the other.]
  • Before that, a waiter offers Patton and the American officers some caviar. Only one of them accepts it, and Patton holds a Death Glare at the man until he puts it down.
• Patton brings a bull terrier to his speech in Britain, proud that it's a combat dog, intending to name him William after William the Conqueror. The dog is interested by a Pekingese held by another lady and wants to play. The Pekingese instead decides to let the terrier know that no she does not want to play, making the terrier back off whining, much to Patton's chagrin.
  Patton: Your name isn't William, it's Willy.
• When the dead mules are blocking the way, Patton raises hell, mainly funny for how George C. Scott delivers it:
  Patton: You let a column get stalled and strafed on account of two jackasses?!
• The first words in Patton's apology speech to the troops for slapping the soldier:
  Patton: I thought I'd stand up here and let you people see... if I am as big a son of a bitch as some of you think I am. (soldiers laugh)
• This exchange:
  Clergyman: Col. David toured us around your quarters, and I saw a Bible by your bed. Do you actually find time to read it?
  Patton: I Sure do. Every God damn day.

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