Funny / OverSimplified - Henry VIII

• Elizabeth of York trying to teach a young Henry words with flashcards.
  Elizabeth: Okay Henry, this is a horse. Can you say "horse"?
  Henry: H... ho.. divorce!
  Elizabeth: What? No! Okay, let's try this. Can you say "loaf of bread"?
  Henry: Llll... off with her head!
  Elizabeth: No, Henry! That's wrong! You know what? Last one. Okay, can you say "soap"? Soap?
  Henry: Sssssssss...
  Elizabeth: Yes, that's it.
  Henry: Sssss... I'm the Supreme Head of the Church! Ssscrew the Pope!
  Elizabeth: You know what? You're my son and I love you, but you're freaking weird, man.
• "John, I am 9, I assure you I am NOT violating any widows."
  • And the Brick Joke; after the fateful joust in which he is seriously injured and, as speculated by numerous historians, gained brain damage which drastically changed his personality into the tyrant he became, he sees a vision of his old tutor... who has apparently had some changes of thought about his former lessons:
    Tutor: Be mean... love gluttony... VIOLATE WIDOWS!
  • On regaining consciousness, Henry's eyes are pure white and there's a Scare Chord, as if he's Came Back Wrong somehow.
• The return of "Never Gonna Give You Up", this time sung by Henry VIII in old English.
• Henry runs into trouble with his council due to his generosity and extravagant spending:
  Courtier #1: Hey man, could I gain ownership of some land near Upton Snodsbury?
  Henry VIII: Sure thing, pal!
  Courtier #2: Hey, could I be an earl or a baron or a viscount or something?
  Henry VIII:' Anything you want, man.
  Courtier #3: Could I get, like, just, like a really cool pig that has like, freaking metal wings and eight legs and shoots flippin' lasers and it can grow more pigs out of it for extra pigs—
  Henry VIII: Say no more!
  (Cut to Henry's council)
  Council Member: Heeeeey, guys, I was just checking up on the financial report and...(shows the pig) What the hell?! We can't afford this!
  • Said pig later shows up fighting alongside Catherine of Aragon in Scotland.
• Cardinal Wolsey's solution to curbing the council's power?
  Cardinal Wolseley: You're the king, dum dum. You can do whatever you want.
  Henry VIII: Whaaaaaaaaaat?
• Henry arranges for his daughter Mary to wed her much older, thoroughly inbred cousin, Emperor Charles V of the Holy Roman Empire. Needless to say, she's not exactly thrilled about it.
  Henry VIII: Mary, I'd like to introduce you to your 22-year-old, fully grown adult cousin, and now, your future husband!
  Mary: Eww, he looks inbred!
  Henry VIII: MARY! (Beat) We're all inbred!
  • Charles later beats the French at the Battle of Pavia, but refuses to honor his promise to Henry.
    Henry VIII: So, can I have the French throne like we agreed?
    Charles V: Mmmm... No.
    Henry VIII: What?!
    Charles V: And also, I don't want to marry your ugly daughter anymore.
    Henry VIII: (sputters in confusion) Ugly?! Have you seen your chin?!
    Charles V: Mummy says it's a strong chin for a strong boy!
• Henry tries to get Wolsey to inform the Pope about his decision to divorce Catherine of Aragon quietly, but that goes about as well as you'd expect.
  Cardinal Wolsey: (shouting across the balcony) HEY! BIG PAPA! MY BOY, HENRY, SAYS HE WANTS TO DIVORCE HIS WIFE! ANY CHANCE?
  European Royalty Convention 1531: (staring in complete and total shock)
• Charles and the Pope getting ahold of Henry's thirsty love poems to Anne Boleyn.
• At one point during Henry's divorce trial, he's seen delivering a presentation clarifying the "pretty duckies" comment.
• The Pope melting into a puddle after Henry VIII says that he doesn't care if he's excommunicated.
  Pope: (begins melting) Oh no, apathy, my weakness!
• During the post-Boleyn marriage Good-Times Montage, a DJ at a rave Henry is throwing hypes him up as if he was the next big star. Cue Henry... who proceeds to begin tootling amateurishly on his recorder.
• After Anne smack-talked his manhood, Henry made his personal physician make a public statement about his health.
  Physician: "King Henry is a fine specimen of a man, and..." (groans) Please don't make me say this.
  Henry VIII: Say it.
  Physician: (sighs) "And every time I look at him, I wish I was a woman."
• Henry's marriage to his sixth and final wife, Catherine Parr, nearly ended in her arrest, all because of one conversation.
  Henry VIII: It's a miracle, because when the priest says the Words of Institution, the bread turns into the body of Christ.
  Catherine Parr: Well, if you put the bread in a box for three months, is it a miracle that it turns moldy?
  Henry VIII: (gasps) TREASON!
  Catherine Parr: (sighs) You can't just call everything "treason", Henry.
• The ultimate punchline? Ducks are hidden everywhere in the background, more than once. Just for the "pretty duckies" joke. You heard that right.

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