Funny / Nightblade

Beware of unmarked spoilers.

Nightblade II - Wings of Vengeance

• Nick's verbal beat down of the guy who was upset that he got to be seen by a doctor before him.
  Rando: How come he gets seen immediately?
  Nick (to receptionist): Are you allowed to say anything to them?
  (Receptionist shakes their head)
  Nick: Allow me, then. So, what're you here for?
  Rando: A broken arm.
  Nick: Oh? How terrible. Now, let me tell you why I'm here. There's some idiot outside who had a knife. He managed to cut me, pretty badly. I disarmed him and broke his arm, too. Maybe we should get him in here. Since broken arms are terribly important, it seems. I've lost a not unsubstantial percentage of my blood, you moron. I've been fading in and out of consciousness, and you have the unmitigated gall to complain about a broken arm? It didn't even break the skin. You'll get an X-ray and a cast and then be on your way. So shut up, sit down, and wait your gods-damned turn. I'm in an incredible amount of pain right now you don't even know how much this hurts holy shit and yet you're bitching about a cracked arm. Pathetic creature.

Nightblade IV - Book I - Viper's Bite

• The way Nick tries to figure out Nagisa's gender is just priceless, as is Nagisa's reaction.
  Nick: Planning something?
  Nagisa: I-I guess? Terasaka didn't tell me anything, and I haven't looked inside yet. He just handed this to me and told me to man up. It's not my fault I look like this...
  Nick: Wait, are you a guy or a girl?
  Nagisa: I'm a guy, thank you very much!
  • Kayano having to correct Nick about this later on.
  Kayano: Hi Nick! What's up?
  Nick: Ask Nagisa, she knows.
  Kayano: Nagisa's a guy, Nick.
  Nick: Oh... really?
  Kayano: Yes, really.
  Nick: Huh...
• Nick being upset that someone else has a better nickname than him.
  Lovro: Of course, professional killers are a secretive lot, they are rarely known by their given name. This one is no exception, save he prefers to go by very a particular nickname. The Reaper.
  Nick (internally): Oh come on, this guy gets to pick his nickname? And it's a cool one too. I'm still not salty about 'Diamond Tactician'. Not in the least.

Nightblade IV - Book II - Viper's Kiss

• Nick getting Kayano with a rather mean Brick Joke in response to her pudding assassination attempt.
  Nick: By the way, Kayano, why did the chicken cross the road?
  Kayano: I dunno, why?
  Nick: To get to the idiot’s house.
  Kayano: I don’t get it.
  Nick: Don’t worry, you’ll get it eventually.
  (After the attempt fails)
  Nick: Oh that reminds me. Knock knock.
  Kayano: Who’s there?
  Nick: The chicken.
  Kayano: Oh! I get it - hey! Nick, you jerk!
• It was revealed that Sinon writes GGO fanfictions.
• Korosensei's attempt at trying to clear his name.
  Kororsensei: I'd appreciate if you spread the world that I am not, in fact, an underwear thief!
  Kayano: And tell people I'm a B cup! Got it?! B cup!
  Nick: We're asking him not to lie, Kayano.
  Kayano: Nick you're the worst!
• Nick repeatedly offering to kill Nagisa's mother.
  Nick: I could kill her?
  Nagisa: H-haha, very funny...
  (later)
  Nick: I can always kill her for you, if you want.
  Nagisa stares in horror
  Nick: This time I was joking, don't worry.
  Nagisa (relaxes, and then tenses): This time?
• Nick talking to Nagisa during the (possible) epilogue.
  Nagisa: Welcome back, Nick.
  Nick: Hey. ...You didn't grow at all, did you?
  Nagisa: It's not fair.
  

Nightblade Sidequests

• Nick scrolling through the list of games while making an account transfer during "Devil's Checkmate".
  Nick: Let's see... Devil's Luck is what I'm looking for. Nope, nope, not it, not it, not even close, that one's literally a pair of boobs...Ah, here we are.
• Rika having a list on why Nick is a "violent sociopathic jerk."
  Nick: Remind me again why - (yawning) - why I'm here?
  Keiko: Because you got called in for counseling, just like Kirito?
  Nick: I can understand why he needs it, but why me? Everyone knows I'm completely stable and not a violent sociopathic jerk. Really.
  (Flat stares from Asuna, Rika, and Keiko)
  Nick: No, really. Why don't you ever believe me?
  Rika: You spend thirty minutes ranting about how you wanted to stab people at lunch yesterday, and I'm pretty sure you didn't repeat yourself.
  Nick: Name one other time.
  Rika: July 23rd, you started giggling while stabbing your food with silverware. July 22nd, you asked us to stop you if it looked like you were going to punch someone in the face. July 21st...
  Nick: You have a list? Asuna... make her stop...

Nightblade - Brave Song

• The return of cross dressing Nick, this time with Kana at the helm of doing the makeup.
  'This' might be referring to the padded bra I was wearing underneath the pale grey blouse they'd chosen for me. 'This' might also be referring to the red skirt; it was loose and frilly, falling to my knees with a slit on the side, but still easy to move around in. 'This' might be referring to the brown boots with a tiny heel on my feet, my legs in black leggings. 'This' might also refer to the makeup - some eyeshadow and blush, along with light lip gloss - or the ponytail I was sporting.
  Actually, no, yeah, it was all of those things.
• Kazuto's abysmal shape. Canon with Ordinal Scale, but it still makes me smirk every time the dude trips over a rock.
  Nick (Thinking): Still, his skills should roughly cross over. He's fought this thing before, too, so that means —
  Kirito suddenly tripped on a raised piece of cobblestone, falling flat on his face and then rolling onto his back as he slid forward. He came to a stop right in front of the boss, and it just looked down at him.
  ...So that means he'll just eat shit immediately, got it.

Other

• The entirety of the April Fools version of Nightblade III, this is apparently what happens when you make Knight snap from asking him when the next installment will be.
  Rythin: Death Gun, I presume.
  Death Gun: How'd you know I was here.
  Rythin: I'm psychic.
  Death Gun: Wow, cool. What's my future?
  Rythin: I'm going to kill you.
  Death Gun: Cool. So, yeah, I'm Death Gun. If I shoot you with this, you die.
  Rythin: And that's the way it should be. You taking applications?
  Death Gun: You want in?
  Rythin: Fuck yeah I want in. Murdering people for free? Sounds like fun.
  Death Gun: Awright! My name is [SPOILERS]. I'll send you a message later one.
  Rythin: So how do we go about killing people in the first place anyway?
  Death Gun: [MORE SPOILERS]. Real high-tech stuff and kinda untraceable.
  Rythin: How do you know where find them?
  Death Gun: [WHOOPS THAT'S SPOILERS TOO]
  Rythin: So who else is involved with this?
  Death Gun: [PLEASE SPOILERS NO]. Hey, wanna know something cool?
  Rythin: What?
  Death Gun: [OH HOLY FUCK SPOILERS]. Pretty neat, huh?
  Rythin: Hey, I was in SAO too. My name's Rythin.
  Death Gun: Rythin? Fuck.
• Rythin's reaction to being the one who gets a feminine looking avatar in GGO during Gaiden, Kirito lampshades this of course.
• The Mini-Omake of Shino's dream about Nick.
  Nick: Hey, catling, what're you doing here?
  Shino: I wanted to see you, of course.
  Nick: Oh yeah? Did you miss me?
  Shino: Of course I did, you idiot, what would I do if you disappeared?
  Nick: You'll never have to find out, because I'll never leave you, ever.
  He leaned in, and I closed my eyes, and our lips me-
  Shino: Gah! I don't think of him like that! I don't! It was just a dream!
  Shino (internally): Still I wonder how his lips t-
  * Muffled scream*