Funny / Night Watch (Discworld)

• "I'll teach him to walk! I'm good at teaching people to walk!"
  Exhaustion kicks in, and Vimes falls over
• Detritus has just misfired his Piecemaker, blowing through a wall in Vimes' house and destroying a good portion of Vimes' yard (including the trees), and setting off several fires.
  Detritus: Er, sorry about that, Mister Vimes.
  Vimes: What did I tell you about Mister Safety Catch?
  Detritus: When Mister Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend.
• A hilarious sequence involving a barricade, a stupid soldier, and a somewhat more intelligent commander.
  "If you listen, you will realize that it is merely the national anthem sung rather badly."
  "Can't have rebels singing that, sir!"
  • "While suspicious, Hepplewhite, singing the national anthem and waving the flag are not, in themselves, acts of treason."
• Colon and the boys' numbered list of reasons for expanding the barricades to include a quarter of the city while "Keel" is away. Fred's "Are you okay, Sarge?" and subsequent apology after the implied Face Palm being included as the final items on the list always raises a chuckle.
  “It was a beguiling theory that had arisen in the minds of Wiglet, and Waddy, and, yes, even in the not-overly-exercised mind of Fred Colon, and as far as Vimes could understand it, it went like this.

  Colon: Supposing the area behind the barricades was bigger than the area in front of the barricades, right?

  Colon: Like, sort of, it had more people in it and more of the city, if you follow me.

  Colon: Then, correct me if I’m wrong, Sarge, but that’d mean in a manner of speaking we are now in front of the barricades, am I right?

  Colon: Then, as it were, it’s not like we’re rebellin’, is it? ’Cos there’s more of us, so the majority can’t rebel, it stands to reason.

  Colon: So that makes us the good guys. Obviously we’ve been the good guys all along, but now it’d be kind of official, right? Like, mathematical?

  Colon: So, we thought we’d push on to Short Street and then we could nip down into Dimwell and up the other side of the river…

  Colon: Are we going to get into trouble for this, Sarge?

  Colon: You’re looking at me in a funny way, Sarge.

  Colon: Sorry, Sarge.

• The destruction of Big Mary (a large siege weapon) with a couple of wooden wedges and some lumps of raw ginger.
  • And young!Vimes' subsequent reaction, staring at "Keel" with wide eyed hero worship.
• Detritus' training song for the new recruits:
  Now we sing dis stupid song
  Sing it as we run along
  Why we sing dis we don't know
  We can't make the words rhyme prop'ly
  Sound off!
  One, two!
  Sound off!
  Many, lots!
  Sound off!
  Er, what?
• The part when Vimes' epic One-Liner backfires.
  "Yeah? On whose authority?"
  Vimes swung his crossbow up. "Mr Burleigh and Mr Stronginthearm," he said, and grinned.
  The two guards exchanged glances. "Who the hell are they?" said one.
  There was a moment of silence followed by Vimes saying, out of the corner of his mouth: "Lance-Constable Vimes?"
  "Yessir?"
  "What make are these crossbows?"
  "Er... Hines Brothers, sir. They're Mark Threes."
  "Not Burleigh and Stronginthearm?"
  "Never heard of them, sir."
  Damn. Five years too early, thought Vimes. And it was such a good line, too.
  • He finally goes with "You will let me take these prisoners or I will shoot you in the face." Not snappy, but it does get the point across.
• Vimes ordering the barricade taken down... because it's badly made. Also a Moment of Awesome.
  "I repeat, I order you to dismantle this barricade." He took a deep breath and went on. "And rebuild it on the other side of the corner with Cable Street! And put up another one at the top of Sheer Street! Properly built! Good grief, you don't just pile stuff up, for god's sake! A barricade is something you construct!"
  • Made all the funnier that in the rush to construct the barricade, some of the furniture they use includes a chair with an old man still sleeping in it.
  • Also this hilarious bit of snark from Vimes when confronted by said old man's uptight daughter:
    Vimes: Can I help you, ma'am?
    Mrs. Rutherford: What are you intending to do about us being murdered in our beds?
    Vimes: Well, it's not four o'clock yet, ma'am, but if you'll let me know when you want to retire-
• Venturi and Selachii at the party — as Arch-Enemies they agree on nothing, but etiquette demands that they are polite to one another and, at least at social gatherings, talk without getting into an argument. They solve this by only talking about things it's completely impossible for even them to disagree about:
  Selachii: This is a party.
  Venturi: Indeed. I see you are standing upright.
  Selachii: Indeed. So are you, I see.
  Venturi: Indeed. Indeed. On that subject, I notice many others are doing the same thing.
  Selachii: Which is not to say that the horizontal position does not have its merits when it comes to, for example, sleeping.
  Venturi: Quite so. Obviously that would not be done here.
  Selachii: Oh, indeed. Indeed.
  • This exhausts their conversation options.
• Vimes' growing exasperation at being repeatedly drugged or knocked out and Waking Up Elsewhere.
  "You know, if someone wants to talk to me, they only need to bloody well ask!"
• Knock attempting to catch Vimes in an I Never Said It Was Poison trap:
  Knock: Bit of a to do, sir. Had a break-in last night.
  Vimes: Really? What did they steal?
  Knock: Did I say they stole anything, sir?
  Vimes: Well, no, you didn't. That was me jumping to what we call a conclusion. Did they steal anything, then, or did they break in to deliver a box of chocolates and a small complimentary basket of fruit?
  • It gets better when Knock discovers Vimes outwitted him and replaced the "stolen" item.
    Coates: It's a half-brick in a sack, sarge.
    Vimes: I'm saving up for a house.
  • Not to mention Knock's growing panic as he realizes his plan has gone completely pear-shaped.
    Knock: Is there a loose panel, or something?
    Coates: What, in a sack, Sarge?
• Death to Lord Winder: You have reached the end of cake.
• The creation of the People's Republic of Treacle Mine Road includes a rather unique rally cry: 'Truth! Justice! Freedom! Reasonably priced love! And a hard boiled egg!'
  • For context; Reg Shoe has been trying to establish the laws of the new Republic, and has been arguing with the Seamstresses about the aforementioned 'reasonably priced love': "Free is not a word we wish to hear." Then Vimes (as Keel) shows up:
    Reg Shoe: You'd like Freedom, Truth, and Justice, wouldn't you, Comrade Sergeant?
    Vimes: I'd like a hard-boiled egg.
    Reg Shoe: In the circumstances, Sergeant, I think we should set our sights a little higher—
    Vimes: Well, yes, we could,[...] But...well, Reg, tomorrow the sun will come up again, and I'm pretty sure that whatever happens we won't have found Freedom, and there won't be a whole lot of Justice, and I'm damn sure we won't have found Truth. But it's just possible that I might get a hard-boiled egg.
  • And, as something of a Brick Joke, later on when they're on the barricade, Sandra Battye brings him a boiled egg, with some toast cut into little soldiers...
    • ...which quickly gets destroyed as the enemy starts attacking out of nowhere. Vimes promptly punches the first man up over the barricade: "That was my egg, you bastard! With soldiers!"
• Many of the soldiers sent against the barricade come from the very neighborhoods behind the barricade. This makes their job more difficult, as their grandmothers are up on the barricade, threatening to tell everyone about what they did when they were eleven...
  • On hearing this, their commander finds himself asking just what they did when they were eleven.
• You Do Not Drop Your Mates In The Cacky. Full stop.
• Vimes' reactions to encountering Nobby Nobbs (as a Gavroche expy) and Lord Rust.
• Vimes is talking to Captain Swing of the Unmentionables, who comments that the former is "a man after his own heart". Vimes "takes a moment to consider the anatomical possibilities" before replying:
  Vimes: Broadly speaking, sir, though I would not aspire that high.
• Vimes' difficulty believing that a self-proclaimed seamstress in Ankh-Morpork actually is a seamstress.
  • Actual seamstress Miss Batye lives in the same apartment with Miss Palm, the other type of seamstress. A man comes to ask for a favor, telling that he is not good at it himself and what with the death of his wife... He is bad at darning socks! Miss Palm facepalms and sends him to her roommate.
• The moment when Ridcully lands in front of the Watch naked. Because taking off his own pointy hat would be unthinkable, he makes Ponder give him his hat to cover up. Also, "We've never seen so much of a wizard before, sir."
• A well-timed bit of levity in an otherwise extremely dark part of the book, as Vimes ponders on the inhumanity of man:
  Vimes' Inner Monologue: Who truly knew what evil lurked in the hearts of men?
  Death: Me.
• Young Nobbs describing how he met Vetinari's aunt for the first time: He tried to steal her purse. In response, she picked him up and punched his lights out (according to Nobby's recollection, she hit like a mule - that is to say, really hard). When he came to, she offered him a job. Vimes is dully impressed, because young Nobby was talented pickpocket and to catch him in the act required incredible sharpness. In later scene, Nobby pinches purses and handkerchiefs of several military commanders while they interrogate them!
• As the Treacle Mine Road Watchmen are being chased by Carcer towards the end of the book, young Nobby catches up with Vimes to deliver some important information.
  Vimes: Is this a good time, Nobby?
  Nobby: There's men after you, Sarge!
  Vimes: Well done, Nobby!
• The Garden of Inner-City Tranquility - in which each item gets an appropriately mystical-sounding explanation from Lu-Tze, except for the beer bottle, which some asshole keeps tossing in there on Friday nights.
  Lu-Tze: If it wasn't forbidden to do that kind of thing, he'd feel the flat of my hand and no mistake.
  • Especially given that it's later implied Vimes himself does that, at least sometimes.
• The monks giving Vimes the cigar case he needs to focus on is awesome. Their method of delivering it, meanwhile, is to suddenly show up at the barricade performing a song and dance number. As Vimes comes to, Rust is yelling at them for it.
• In the audio book, Vimes sounds rather awesome whenever he opens his mouth due to his voice being a Michael Caine impersonation.
• While questioning young Nobby, Major Mountjoy-Steadfast chews him out for wanting to join the army for the chance to loot the dead. When he points out that Trooper Gabitass wouldn't stoop to stealing boots off of a dead man, Gabitass agrees... because (according to the footnote) the end profit isn't worth all the effort.
• After Vimes's "History finds a way" moment, he glances up and sees that his younger self has been watching him. Said younger self asks if he's all right, because (from his perspective) Vimes/Keel has just spent the last twenty minutes just staring at his cigar case.
  Vimes coughed, tucked the case away, and pulled himself together.
  "Half the pleasure's in the anticipation," he said.
• Young Vetinari silently disapproving of his aunt's choice in a pet cat, thinking that if you're going to fondle a cat while plotting, it really should be a long-haired white one, not an elderly street tom 'with irregular bouts of flatulence'. Which is ironic, considering how he ends up doting on Wuffles...
• Vetinari's movements are described as being "catlike, except that he doesn't stop to spray urine on things."

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