Funny / Marvel Adventures

Given that these are Lighter and Softer stories featuring the heroes you know, this is a given.

• In The Avengers #32, the Avengers are roped into tracking down tax-dodgers for the Intimidating Revenue Service.
  • While the rest of the team are fighting supervillains, Spider-Man spends his time bickering with a hairy monster named Oog, who refuses to pay until monsters like him are allowed to vote. When the pair end up at a petting zoo...
  Little girl: Excuse me, Mr. Spider-Man?
  Spider-Man: Huh? Oh...yes?
  Little girl: Can Timmy pet your monster?
  Spider-Man: Heck YEAH!
  • Hulk, meanwhile, proves to be very convincing. Bullseye is confronted by cops as he's robbing a bank, and is about to attack. Hulk walks in, goes right up to Bullseye, and growls, "Pay taxes." Then leaves. Bullseye immediately surrenders.
  Cop: Huh. The fight sure went out of you quick!
  Bullseye: Hulk says pay taxes. I pay taxes.
• In The Avengers #34, When the heroes get pulled back in time, Spider-Man realizes that they'll end up in the time of the dinosaurs. Ant-Man suggests that they might end up anywhere-
  The year: 2,230,000,000 B.C.
  Spider-Man: THERE! See! LOOK!
  Ant-Man: Yeah...you told me so.
  The Hulk: Hulk likes the big doggie!
• This exchange from Marvel Adventures Avengers:
  Giant-Girl: Why didn't you just say 'Hey! There's some dinosaurs on the street!'
  Wolverine: It would have ruined the surprise.
  Storm: Bad surprises are supposed to be ruined!
  Giant-Girl: Yeah. Good surprises are like 'Hey! Your puppy is made of diamonds!' But nobody wants a bad surprise like - Hey! That T-Rex is about to gobble you up!
• Captain America putting Wolverine in as leader of the Avengers when they fight the horde that's come to ransack the village they were brought to save, specifically because brute force, not tactics, are what's needed. What makes it classic is Logan's reaction.
  "It's... it's like some beautiful dream... Oh, yeah!"
• The entire Issue #12. After taking care of some geological catastrophes, The Avengers discover why; Earth is being disturbed by Ego the Living Planet who wants to get it on with Earth. After trying all the basic male hook up lines, he leaves after finding out that Earth has people in it, or in his mind, cooties. (Older readers might realize Ego is probably thinking of a different parasitic infestation.)
  EARTH JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS! *attacks Ego hard enough to cause earthquakes*
  • Even funnier was Giant-Girl's reaction when Iron Man's scans confirm that Ego was formed at least a billion years before Earth.
    "I just KNEW it was a creepy older planet. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, EARTH!"
• Issue #13 gives us this line when Giant-Girl ends up Brainwashed and Crazy:
  Vernon Van Dyne (G-Girl's father): Janet, you put that bus down now or lose beach house privileges!
• Everyone assuming that because Tigra looks like a cat, she can control cats in the time traveling issue.
  "But I can't- ::sigh:: Fine. Get her, my pretties, I command you!" (The "attack" must be seen as well. It consists of people holding angry cats who are obviously not controlled in any fashion to the bad guys!)
• Spidey accidentally blowing his secret identity in front of Captain Stacy (Gwen's dad, who's already made a guess at who he is).
  "Only seconds to talk, so answer this as quickly as possible. Can my daughter borrow your math homework?"
  "Huh? Gwen? Why? She's really smart with- ...Oh."
  • Also from MA: Spider-Man is this bit, which is possibly even more hilarious than Tigra's nonexistent power over cats:
    "I'm summoning the spiders! Because I'm Spider-Man."
  • In MA: Spider-Man when Venom first offered to aid Spider-Man under his Lethal Protector persona.
    Venom: You shouldn't dismiss us so easily. Remember, this costume absorbed all your memories while you wore it... so we know all that you know. We'll tell the whole world your real name is Peter Parker.
    Spider-Man: Fine. Go ahead. Maybe I should have done it a long time ago.
    Venom: We'll tell Aunt May where you have your massive candy stash hidden in your closet.
    Spider-Man: NO... Not my Pixie Stix!!
    Venom: And we'll tell Liz Allen who slipped those secret admirer's notes into her locker freshman year!
    Spider-Man: NO! WAIT!
  • Venom's dialogue as Spider-Man's sidekick. "Holy themed thieveries, S.M.!"
    Venom: Holy literary allusions! You're a genius, S.M.!
    Spider-Man: Seriously. Stop or I'll hit you.
  • Really, Venom had quite a few funny moments that issue.
    "Your crippling injuries and cries for mercy are no match for Venom... LETHAL PROTECTOR!"
  • The issue concludes with Spider Man revealing that he knew Venom was in league with the White Rabbit through a number of details, but the clincher was realizing that the entire plan was so stupid and complicated that a sentient costume was literally the only person who could have come up with it.
• From The Creeping Doom, where Iron Man and Pepper are in a burning warehouse after Iron Man had just defeated the Plantman the the titular mutant plant, which is filled with laptop batteries. Defective laptop batteries that were stated earlier to explode when overheated.
  Iron Man: You mean the defective batteries that explode when overheated?
  Pepper Potts: Yeah, that completely fill that... burning warehouse...
  *Beat Panel*
  *Beat Panel*
  *Cue next frame of them running away from an explosion, with the unconscious Plantman in tow.*
  Pepper: Uh, aren't you supposed to be able to fly?
  Iron Man: Shut up, Ms. Potts.
• From Marvel Adventures: Spider Man V2 #9, Wolverine explaining how he knows the new superhero he just encountered is just Spidey in a different costume.
  Spidey: How did you know it was...me?
  Wolverine: Your scent. You might put on a different costume, but you can't fool my nose. I can smell what toothpaste you use. A single whiff and I know what you ate for the last few days. How long since you used deodorant, and what brand it was, and how much you've been sweating since you put it on. I know the laundry detergent your aunt uses. I can smell the people you've been around. How much makeup they wore. Even your brand of bathroom tissue.
  Beat
  Spidey: I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now.
  • From the same issue, a thug trying to escape Spider-Man...on a Segway. Spidey has a field day with the guy's choice.
    "Seriously? You're seriously trying to make an escape with one of those? I mean, I admit they're cool for getting around the city, but for making a getaway? Seriously? Do you even notice that I'm barely jogging here? I could get a sandwich and come back and you'd still be here! I'm not kidding! I'm actually thinking about getting a sandwich! You want a sandwich? I could get us some sandwiches."
• Marvel Adventures: Super Heroes V2 #6 after Thor describes how he effortlessly defeated the Executioner in a Curb-Stomp Battle and saved an entire village from a marauding band of pirates, Nova and the Invisible Woman privately express doubts on this story.
  Invisible Woman: He is making it all sound pretty easy.
  Nova: That's what I've been saying! It's like when you called me out on my story of how I beat Diamondhead.
  Invisible Woman: Well... when you were explaining how you were summoning octo-dragons and riding a unicorn...
• From Marvel Adventures: Super Heroes #7
  Black Widow: I was watching you, you know. And to me it looked like you just walked across that beach for the sole purpose of looking interesting to the women.
  Iron Man: It worked too. They were enthralled.
  Black Widow: Well, as you are a shiny moving object, you should appeal to the types of women you adore.
• From the very beginning of Marvel Adventures: Super Heroes V2 #8
  Thor: FOR GLORY!
  Valkyrie: Let this day ring through the ages!
  Nova: This day sucks.
• The first issue of MA: Super Heroes, in which Spider-Man, Iron Man, and the Hulk get stuck babysitting Cerberus and Orthus for Hercules, and end up entering them as an exhibition at a dog show. Everything from "Green sir, you have a spider on your arm," to the ending is pure gold.
• The new origin story for Hank Pym. "It's like their exoskeletons are on the inside!"
• Spider-Man activating the Nullifier in issue 26 of MA: Avengers.
• Aunt May getting her snark on in MA: Spider Man V2 #11:
  May: Oh, I'm Peter Parker and me and my "we're not at all that serious" girlfriend are taking vacations together.
• Captain America and Iron Man taking out phone spammers while the rest of the Avengers are stuck at a state fair.
• Goom. Plain and simple. There is no explanation that will do it justice, but Goom is a stories-tall alien imprisoned in a pocket dimension, whom Johnny Storm accidentally lets out. As he and Spidey discover, much to their dismay and the readers' amusement, Goom learned all of his English from watching MTV and Jerry Springer (also Johnny's fault).
  Goom: "YO, YO, YO, GOOM IS IN DA HIZZY!"
  Torch: "I... I don't know what to say."
  Spidey: "...This is messed up."
• Ultron turning against humanity literal seconds after it's turned on.
  Spider-Man: Wow, that's got to be an everything-went-wrong speed record!
• The rules of the Ancient One's incredibly insane (and awesome!) contract to deal with the demon Dormammu. Namely, the one about having to return to Earth as a rodent, which causes Strange and Wong to have to chase down a demonically powered squirrel that keeps attacking them. As Foggy Nelson reviews the contract aloud, the Ancient One laughs as he recalls the ban on Dormammu dressing up like a Japanese schoolgirl.
  • In addition, Dormammu's constant use of Loophole Abuse to get around the contract's restrictions. For instance, when he's only allowed to summon as many Mindless Ones as there are red convertibles, Dormammu transforms every single vehicle on the planet into a red convertible, allowing him to create an army. When Strange abuses the fact that the contract prevents Dormammu from using magic on anything adjacent to a mailbox, Dormammu simply orders the Mindless Ones to kill Strange for him. Stephen's change in expression as Dormammu causally does the latter without wasting a second is also priceless.
• Take your pick—either the MODOK issue, or Ego the Loving Planet.
  • "You hear Hulk, stupid planet? Earth not interested in you!"
• The musical Earth, including a chorus of dancing Doombots.
  • From that same issue and just before the above moment, Johnny lands in a universe where Reed Richards is not the leader of the Fantastic Four. Who is? Why, none other than Spider-Man. Cue horrified screaming from Johnny as he frantically runs back to the probability engine.
• Spider-Man is rather pissed at Wolverine, and gets his revenge thusly: "Odin, we were wrong! Wolverine really is a troll!" "Ahh! I suspected as much!!" *Wolverine gets beaten up off-panel*
• When discussing Giant-Girl's origin story:
  Vernon Van Dyne: "It all hangs on how [Janet] became Giant-Girl. She asked me to make her a super hero."
  Storm: "No doubt to avenge her mother's death."
  Vernon: "Hm — what? My wife's fine — she's at tennis now. No, Janet wanted to help people."
• Three words: Galactus. Playing. Baseball.
• Doctor Strange checking on "Nisilette the Unimaginable", just to make sure no one's imagined her. Gets a Call-Back later in the issue.
• In the Infinity Gauntlet story, we get Dr. Doom's idea of a casual entrance, blowing up a wall and proclaiming "Behold the grim visage of DOOM!" to everyone present. He also makes it clear that this is his primary method of entering any room. Incoming Ham at its finest.
  • Doom has to put up with Spider-Quipping. He quickly runs out of patience.
  Doctor Doom: When Doom acquires a Cosmic Cube, [Spider-Man] will be the first against the wall.
• In one issue of the Fantastic Four a new villain creates evil knockoffs of the four with opposite powersets. This...doesn't work out; the only effective one is the Human Torch counterpart who's basically a copy of Hydro Man. Meanwhile the Anti-Thing is ineffectually weak, the Anti-Mr. Fantastic is so stiff he can barely move and the Visible Woman's power is to become highly visible and choose where on her all the force of a blow will hit. She ends up taking a full punch from Reed on the chin and goes flying. Even the Anti-Human Torch stops being effective since, as the opposite to Johnny, he's utterly terrified of girls and stops fighting the minute he lays eyes on Susan.
• During the adaptation of the Spider-Man No More/Birth of the Sinister Six storyline, after Pete calls it quits with his powers fading, the newly formed Sinister Six attempts to draw him out for revenge by causing mayhem in the middle of New York. Before Peter even gets the chance to hear about this attack, they wind up drawing the attention of the Fantastic Four instead. After a week, the Sinister Six expressed frustration that every attempt seemed to draw out every single one of New York's numerous superheroes and teams except for Spider-Man.
• Marvel Adventures: Avengers #28: Sure, it's a stereotype, but Luke Cage's sassy Momma is fun. Few people could get away with twisting Luke's ear for being disrespectful! (And at the end of the story, she looks to be striking up a friendship with Jarvis.)