Funny / Malus Darkblade

The Daemons Curse

Bloodstorm

• Any of the Servile Snarker exchanges between Malus and Hauclir.
  Malus: [after Hauclir hands him a bundle of clothes to wear for an audience] I've already worn this robe.
  Hauclir: Excellent, then we know it fits.
  
  Malus: Where were you?
  Hauclir: Apologies, my lord. Part of the wall collapsed on me and I shamefully thought to free myself first.
  
  Malus: [seeing how little food Hauclir's left] Hauclir, while one of your duties is to taste my food for poison, you didn't have to eat the whole cheese to do it!
  [Beat]
  Hauclir: Taste for poison?
• When Malus asks Hauclir to sum up their present situation (namely stuck on a pirate ship hundreds of miles from shore, surrounded by people just waiting for an excuse to kill them), Hauclir bluntly replies they've "been tossed to the nauglir with a steak around our necks", Malus can't help but laugh.
  Malus: That good, eh?
• This exchange of Casual Danger Dialogue after Hauclir has killed a Nurgle Daemon Prince with a canister of dragon's breath, an incendiary weapon Dark Elf corsairs use to blow up enemy ships.
  Malus: You stole a batch of dragon's breath?!
  Hauclir: You had me stealing from your brother's drinks cabinet. Stealing dragon's breath seemed far less dangerous in comparison.
• Malus explains to Hauclir that all his other retainers have important duties, which is why Hauclir will have to accompany Malus on a dangerous trip.
  Hauclir: "...I, on the other hand, am expendable."
  Malus: "Now, Hauclir, don't say that. All of my retainers are expendable, you're just more expendable than the others!"

Reaper of Souls

• While on the run from the city guard of Karond Kar (having been arrested for pissing off the city's rulers during a previous visit), Malus curses his lack of a sword. When T'zarkan offers to provide him one, Malus almost accepts...and then remembers T'zarkan's tendencies to screw him around with the following exchange.
  T'zarkan: Would you like a sword? Nothing would be simpler!
  Malus: I don't need a sharpened skewer of bone jutting from my wrist!
  T'zarkan: It doesn't have to come from your wrist...
• When Malus believes his half-brother Isilvar has stolen the Dagger of Torxus, the next artefact he needs to free T'zarkan, out from under him, Malus ponders his next move:
  Malus: Clearly it would be a mistake to challenge Isilvar and his men on my own. I'll have to follow him back to the Hag and pay whatever price he asks in order to get the dagger from him.
  T'zarkan: A costly but prudent plan. You are joking, of course.
  Malus: Of course. I'm going to run him down like a fox, hang his ears from my belt, and if he gives me the dagger without too much trouble, I might let him die with his manhood intact.
  T'zarkan: I expected no less.

Warpsword

• Malus's thoughts after having to get information out of a Khainite zealot in Har Ganeth...by threatening to spare his life.
  Malus: In this city you kill your friends and spare your enemies. What am I meant to do when I meet [his contact] Sethra Veyl? Offer to burn his house down?!
• T'zarkan having an Oh, Crap! moment when they realise the guardian of the Warpsword is a a dragon ogre shaggoth.
  T'zarkan: Malus, under the circumstances, I think I'll allow you to run now!

Lord of Ruin

• Malus's response when he magically contacts his mother Eldire for information and she chews him out.
  Eldire: You fool! You damned fool, what have you done?!
  Malus: Hello, mother. I've missed you too.
• During the siege of Ghrond, a secret tunnel which leads to the inner walls is discovered by the attacking Chaos Horde. Malus, Hauclir and Hauclir's mercenaries go to defend it. Just when it seems that the Dark Elves will be overwhelmed, one of the Dark Elf mercenaries nicknamed Ten-thumbs produces a glowing glass sphere, threatening to collapse the tunnel using dragon's breath. The chaos horde quickly retreats. Ten-thumbs triumphantly explains to his shocked comrades that the orb is his ace in the hole, only to accidentally drop it, causing the group to frantically try and catch it. When the sphere drops to the ground and breaks, it is revealed to be a harmless lamp.
  Ten-thumbs: “Oh damn. My mother gave me that light. I've had it since I was a child.”
  Hauclir: (Everyone sighs in relief) "By the Dark Mother, I don't know whether to kiss you or skin you alive" (Everyone proceeds to laugh)
  • Just before this, there's this little exchange between the mercenaries:
  Hauclir: Whose idea was it to let Ten-Thumbs carry the incendiaries?!
  Pockets: He only drops what he's trying to steal. Plus, we figure if he blows himself up, no one'll miss him.
  Hauclir: Easy for you to say, Pockets. He doesn't owe you coin!
  • Malus then orders Ten-Thumbs to distribute the orbs among the other mercenaries which the pickpocket does "with as much air of wounded dignity as he could've possibly mustered".
• Just when they are about to be attacked by the Chaos horde, Malus reminiscences with Hauclir of their past adventures together.
  Malus: “Just like old times, eh?”
  Hauclir: “Old times? The ones where we nearly got drowned, or burnt up, or eaten by daemons?”
  Malus: “Now see here - what about all the good times?”
  Hauclir: “Those were the good times.”\\