Funny / Making Money

• When Vetinari is telling Lipwig about the Royal Mint he asks him to look out of the window of the coach they are driving in:
  Vetinari: What does gold know of true worth? Look out of the window and tell me what you see.
  Moist: Um, a small scruffy dog watching a man take a piss in an alley. Sorry, but you chose the wrong time.
• Vetinari (nearly) getting hit by a clown's pie: "I do believe it is pineapple."
  • This really deserves elaboration. Mr. Bent the clown has barged into the trial, and has just thrown a pie at Vetinari. Moist immediately realizes three things:
    • If Vetinari gets hit by a pie, there will be a picture of it in the Times.
    • If everyone sees Vetinari covered in pie, his credibility will hit an all-time low.
    • Vetinari's credibility is the only thing keeping Moist alive right now.
  • So Moist leaps up and intercepts the pie with his face! Custard goes everywhere. Vetinari then catches a flying bit of custard out of the air, tastes it, stands up, and says, "I do believe it is pineapple." And the courtroom, which had gone totally silent, starts applauding at his timing.
  • The clown scene in general. "Look out, he's got a daisy!"
• Moist's interview with Sacharissa.
• The impromptu auction of Pucci Lavish's one Dollar Bill.
  • Before that, Pucci turning the impromptu crowd against her by calling them "good people".
    Narration: No-one likes a liar.
• Any scene involving Mr. Fusspot, from the mandibular acrobatics involved in him eating toffee to his use of a sex toy as a chew toy. ("That was not a rubber bone.")
• Moist's intro to Pucci. He gets in the first cart he sees - which happens to be a "Honey Trap" organized by Pucci (she is in a state of dishabille and is trying to get a picture of Moist with her to use as blackmail). Moist promptly jumps out the other side of the carriage... while holding Mr. Fusspot in his arms.
• When heard in audiobook form, any scene involving Pucci, becomes this when it is formally pronounced "Poochie" by Steven Briggs.
• Moist's explanation of why there are now mongooses in the letterboxes. They were introduced to keep down the snakes, which they put there to get rid of the toads, which they encouraged because of the snails, which got there themselves to eat the stamp glue. Vetinari then notes brightly that they were saved the trouble of introducing the snails. (This is doubly funny if you know how such similarly brilliant solutions worked out in real life. Which is to say, about as well.)
• How Vetinari reacts when Moist explains that he's not fit as a banker because he's robbed banks.
  Vetinari: Capital! Just reverse your thinking. The money should be on the inside!
  • Doubly funny at the end when you learn that the bankers had already robbed the bank before Moist showed up.
• When Moist receives Mr. Fusspot, the sweetly-written letter from Topsy finishes with a warning to Moist that if the dog dies of unnatural causes, 'your arse will belong to the Guild of Assassins.' Moments later an arrow crashes through his window. Written on the shaft is a slogan that reads;
  The Assassins' Guild - where style counts!
  • Equally funny is how casually Gladys and Moist treat it, especially when Gladys catches a second one between her fingers, inadvertently setting it on fire.
    "Someone Has Sent You An Arrow, Mr. Lipwig."
    "Oh, just blow it out and put it in my in-tray."
• A rather... interesting moment from Cosmo: Pucci tells him that his obsession with Vetinari is a dangerous one. "I'm simply trying to get inside the man." "A very dangerous obsession." "You know what I mean!"
• Pucci's departure from an epic failure to discredit Moist's new-fangled paper money: "The girl could flounce better than a fat turkey on a trampoline."
• Harry King invests everything in the bank once Moist's trial starts. Moist's only thought on having a dangerous man like him do so is "It was a terrible thing to have Harry King believe in you".
• Moist's interaction with Adora when she comes back, combined with dorkiness at times. When she finally takes her mind off work for a minute he suggests they get lunch at the Royal Bank...
  Adora: And they'll let us eat there, will they?
  Moist: Oh, yes. The chairman is a great friend of mine.
  Adora: He is, is he?
  Moist: He certainly is. Why, only this morning he licked my face!
  (Adora stops and stares at him)
  Adora: Really? ...Then it's a good thing I came back when I did.
• The Bucket Booby-Trap at the Fools' Guild. Or rather, the fact that Vetinari knows it's there and pushes it over, then says "It's not funny, and it could hurt someone." Then immediately afterwards there's a groan from the other side, meaning someone got hurt. But he was a Fool and it's probably part of their job.
• Detritus now understands Quirmish, or at least has a firmer grasp on context:
  “Pas devant le gendarme,” said Lord Vetinari.
  “Dat mean no talkin’ in front o’ me,” Sergeant Detritus supplied helpfully.
• The Blind Letter Office. Any mail with an address that can't be deciphered by the regular postmen (like letters with only "Mrs. Smith what does, Dolly Sisters" or "My brofer John, tall, by the brij" on them; it's said that these addresses come about because the letter writer's opinion is "If I know what I mean, so should you") goes to the Blind Letter Office, where the staff try to figure out who the intended recipient is, and they usually get eight out of ten correct. Vetinari decides to wait for Moist in the Blind Letter Office and his opinion of the "misspelled, illegible, and simply insane mail" is that figuring it out is even better than the crossword, and explains how he identified "Duzbuns hopsit pharmerrc" as for a particular bakery opposite a pharmacy.
  Vetinari: I think it is just a matter of getting into the mind of the writer. In some cases, I imagine, there is a lot of room.
• Gladys cooks a sheep's head for Moist. He's creeped out by the eyes, so Gladys covers them with a pair of sunglasses. This does not help.
• Vetinari and Drumknot discussing the newspaper comic that comes from the revelations of Moist's trial, which sound in character with real world political cartoons.
  Drumknott: Well, there is a very good likeness of Mr. Fusspot.
  Vetinari: (alarmed) Surely he has nothing in his mouth?
  Drumknott: No, sir. This is the Times of Ankh-Morpork, sir.
  Vetinari: Continue.
  Drumknott: He is on a leash, sir, and looking uncommonly ferocious. You are holding the leash, sir. In front of him, and backing nervously into a corner, are a group of very fat cats. They are wearing top hats, sir.
  Vetinari: As cats do, yes.
  Drumknott: And they have the words THE BANKS on them.
  Vetinari: Subtle indeed.
  Drumknott: While you, sir, are waving a handful of paper money at them and the speech bubble says—
  Vetinari: Don't tell me. THIS does NOT taste of pineapple?
  Drumknott: Well done sir. Incidentally, it does so happen that the chairmen of the rest of the city banks wish to see you, at your convenience.
• How the courtroom scene ends for Pucci Lavish. She doesn't confess, as such, because confession would imply guilt. It's more like she brags, managing to reveal years of financial misconduct to the entire courtroom. Then the watch arrest her, and she's still going — so much so they can't get a word in edgeways against her, and have to write down that they're arresting to her... and she still doesn't shut up, not even as they're dragging her out.
• During the courtroom scene, Mr. Fusspot (Moist's lapdog and president of the bank) is seen being propelled backwards around the room by the buzzing of a large black vibrator with an impressively long spring, it being going for about 3 hours by now. Moist can't believe what he's just seen.
  "I live in a universe where that just happened...!"
• Moist keeps stealing Drumknott's pencils. When the latter comments on the possibility that Moist's Con Man side has finally lost his spark, Vetinari just leans back in his chair and notes that possibility doesn't seem quite likely given he just stole another pencil off Drumknott. Triumphantly, Drumknott proclaims that this time, he was very careful to get his pencil back... and then he desperately keeps rummaging in his pockets, to Vetinari's amused gaze.

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