Funny / Les Misérables

For a novel/musical whose name literally means "The Miserables" there are some funny moments.

The novel

• Madame Magloir's concern that they might get robbed or killed because of Valjean's presence in town.
  Magloir: We say this house is not safe at all; and if Monseigneur will allow me, I will go and tell Paulin Musebois, the locksmith, to come and put the old bolts back in the door; we have them right here, and it will only take a minute. I say we must have bolts, if only for tonight; nothing could be worse than a door that can be opened from the outside by the first comer; and anyway the Monseigneur has the habit of saying, ‘Come in,’ even at midnight. But, my heavens! There’s no need even to ask permission''––
  At this moment there was a violent knock on the door.
  “Come in!” said the bishop.
• When the Bishop's salary is doubled, Madame Magloire expresses happiness that now they'll have something extra...Gilligan Cut to the Bishop's ledger, which reveals he used all the extras to give to the poor as well. Her reaction isn't shown, but it can be easily imagined. Doubles as Heartwarming Moments.
• The scene where Javert arrests the Thénardiers is one big Funny Moment—i.e., "Would you like my hat?" and "You will not leave by the window. You will leave by the door. It is healthier."
  • Culminating, when threatened with bludgeoning by Madame Thenardier, with what might be his most hysterical Badass Boast ever: "What a grenadier! Mother, you have the beard of a man, but I have the claws of a woman."
• When the National Guard first arrives at the barricade, there's a rather amusing exchange.
  Guardsman: "Who is there?"
  Enjolras: [singsong] "The French Revolution!"
• "I have just met Marius' new hat and coat, with Marius inside."
• Half the things Gavroche says or does. The scene where he exchanges insults with a sergeant of the National Guard and then knocks him over with a cart deserves special mention.
  Sergeant: "Will you tell me where you are going, you wretch?"
  Gavroche: "General, I'm on my way to look for a doctor for my wife who is in labor."
  Sergeant: "To arms!"
  [Gavroche knocks the sergeant over with the cart]
  • From the same scene: "Citizen, I have not called you a bourgeois. Why should you insult me?"
• Even Hugo's digression on convents has its moments, specifically with the antics of little girls in convent schools.
• Combeferre's most effective one-liner in response to Marius' speech on Napoleon: "To be free."
• The chapter where Madeleine rescues Fantine from Javert's arrest is extremely sweet, with the scene after Fantine calls out Valjean for not intervening in her getting fired, pardons her. The funny part comes Javert, whom, watching this, cannot comprehend that the mayor is helping a prostitute is described as undergoing "a sort of intoxication of amazement", and becomes petrified with shock in which "thought and word failed him equally and the sum total of possible astonishment had been exceeded in his case." The scene continues with Fantine in shock and joy and Valjean seeking to pay her debts. Two pages later...
  Javert, up to that moment, had remained motionless, with his eyes fixed on the ground, cast athwart this scene like some displaced statue, which is waiting to be put away somewhere...
• The entire chapter with Theodule trying to get in M. Gillenormand's good graces, and the old man's reply: "You are a fool."
• Towards the end of the book, Thénardier tries to blackmail Marius with the knowledge that Cosette is an illegitimate child. Upon meeting Marius, he has to pause and figure out how to best phrase the accusation, knowing that saying "Your wife is a bastard!" will more likely get him punched in the face.
• Hugo's aside when Fantine introduces Cosette.
  "For Cosette, read Euphrasie. The name of the little one was Euphrasie. But the mother had made Cosette out of it, by that sweet and charming instinct of mothers[...] It is a kind of derivation that confuses and disconcerts the entire science of etymology. We knew a grandmother who succeeded in changing Theodore to Gnon."
• The scene where Fauchelevent, after smuggling Valjean out of the convent in a coffin, has to think of a way to get rid of the gravedigger so he can get Valjean out is pretty amusing.
• When Marius started to develop a crush on Cosette after weeks of seeing her and Valjean in the park, he found a handkerchief with the initials "U.F" on it which he thought that this belongs to Cosette and that her name must be Ursule (the only female first name with an U). Then, he starts kissing it. When Cosette saw this, she gives him a puzzling look and not to mention, that handkerchief belonged to Valjean who intentionally left it there. That's right! Marius is making out with Valjean's handkerchief!
• Marius and Cosette's first fight is when a gust of wind blows up Cosette's skirt at the park, revealing that she doesn't wears stocking or garters and walks around with bare legs. Marius is scandalized and spends the rest of the day in a huff, while Cosette wonders why the handsome gentleman she sees every day is so cross.
• When Valjean confesses his identity to Marius, Cosette interrupts their conversation. At one point, she jokingly claims that Marius beats her and asks Valjean to defend her. Then she gives Marius "an adorable shrug of the shoulders, and an indescribably exquisite pout," and Marius randomly exclaims, "I love you!," to which Cosette responds, "I adore you!".
• Bahorel giving love advice to Joly. Note that this advice involves purchasing a new pair of pants.
• The bishop's completely blasé reaction to being robbed, especially compared to his housekeeper's hysteria.
• Grantaire's introductory paragraphs discuss how despite all the girls' rejections he boasts to his comrades that he is universally sought after. Two paragraphs before the description of his devotion to Enjolras.
• A supposedly Real Life example involving Victor Hugo and his publisher. Granted, it may be apocryphal, but still amusing nevertheless.
  Hugo: "?" ^note "How is the book selling?"
  Publisher: "!" ^note "It is selling very well!"

The musical

• The whole of "Master of the House" turns the Thénardiers' penchant for robbing their customers into Black Comedy. Not just robbery either. As Master Thenardier says, he's got nothing against acting like a nice guy, it doesn't cost him anything, "but nothing gets you nothing, everything has got a little price", so he tacks on tiny little extra charges everywhere he can. Charge you for the lice, extra for the mice, 2% for looking in the mirror twice! And don't even ask what they're passing off as beef in the pie.
  • The minute Madame Thenardier starts singing in the 10th anniversary concert, her husband has this look on his face that screams "Great, there she goes blabbering again."
  • "EVERYBODY RAISE A GLASS!" "Raise it up the master's arse!"
  • "Cunning little brain... regular Voltaire... thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there..."
  • In some productions, a patron askes Thénardier for a chamber pot, which the patron uses then gives back to Thénardier. He puts in on the table and then his wife pours it back into a wine bottle, which she then gives him.
  • In the 10th anniversary concert, since all the actors are seated on stage in between their scenes, they all join in the chorus of this with great enthusiasm. Watching Colm Wilkinson and Philip Quast happily singing along and clapping to the beat, and Michael Ball apparently trying to get Quast to join him in some impromptu choreography, is hilarious.
  • It's especially funny when you realize that Javert (Philip Quast) is singing along with the Thenardiers' song about their shameless thievery and price-gouging. Had the actual Javert been present, he'd have dragged both of them to jail by the second verse. Or had a heart attack on the spot from the sheer audacity.
• Depending on how it's played, this exchange:
  Javert: Your time is up and your parole's begun. You know what that means-
  Valjean: Yes, it means I'm free!
  Javert: *Beat* ''...No.''
• By the same token, Valjean's description of the circumstances behind his imprisonment. In some productions, Valjean and Javert appear to be partaking in Snark-to-Snark Combat throughout the whole exchange:
  Javert: YOU ARE A THIEF!
  Valjean: I stole a loaf of bread.
  Javert: YOU ROBBED A HOUSE!
  Valjean: I broke a windowpane.
• Thénardiers in general, especially in The Bargain/Waltz of Treachery.
  Shared our bread, shared each bone
  Treated her like she's one of our own,
  Like our OWN, monsieur!"
  • In the tenth anniversary, the actress who plays little Cosette holds back a smile at this point. In other productions, young Cosette has an "Are you serious?" look on her face through the entire song.
  • In pretty much all versions, Valjean very clearly doesn't believe a word of it, yet manages to stay calm the whole time. Of course, he still has this tone of voice like "Okay, sounds fake but okay". In the 25th anniversary version, he clearly rolls his eyes after everything the Thénardiers say.
  • In some versions of this song, including the film, Thénardier mispronounces Cosette's name and his wife corrects him.
  Thénardier: Let's not haggle for darlin' Colette...
  Mme. Thénardier: Cosette!
  Thénardier: Cosette...
  • Some productions have Valjean throw the money for Cosette to the floor in front of the Thénardiers, and at first they ignore it and act sad as they say goodbye. But the second Valjean and Cosette are out of sight they go right for the money and are literally fighting each other for it.
  • "It's no more than we Christians must do." In one version, Thénardier unsuccessfully tries to make the sign of the cross.
• In the robbery attempt, Thénardier goes "You will have a job to catch him, HE'S the one you should arrest! No more bourgeois when you catch him than that brand upon his chest!" when trying to mug Valjean.
  • "In the absence of a victim, dear Inspector, May I go?", delivered with pitch perfect hilarious innocence by Matt Lucas in the 25th anniversary.
    • Also hilarious is Sasha Baron Cohan's delivery in the 2012 movie, where he actually brushes dirt off of Javert's coat as he asks permission to leave.
  • The start of Beggars at the feast: "He's not fooled, told you so!".
  • In some productions, the Thenardiers have a small argument after Marius and Cosette leave. Thenardier wants to leave too ("We've got the money, let's go!") but Mme. Thenardier yells, "No! I wanna DANCE!" There is complete silence for a few moments, while the other guests back away and give them apprehensive looks, before the song starts up and everyone dances.
    • Another "varies between productions" funny moment for "Beggars at the Feast"— sometimes, the Thénardiers randomly stuff silverware into their costumes during the feast, and when they turn to go, a platter drops to the ground from under Mme. Thénardier's dress with the loudest CLANG. Silence falls as everybody stares, and the Thénardiers look upwards as if going "OH MY GOSH IT FELL FROM THE SKY", before snatching up the platter and exiting.
  • Here comes a prince / There goes a Jew. / This one's a queer / But what can you do? Especially humorous if Matt Lucas (who is gay) is playing Thénardier.
  • This part was made even funnier in one production where the man he calls a queer stops short and turns to look at Thénardier with a "The hell'd you say?" expression. The woman he was dancing with seems somewhat less interested in him after that. Another production had Thénardier kiss the man, who looked like he enjoyed it afterwards.
  • In another production, the guy who Thenardier pointed to immediately started making "no I'm not, I swear!" gestures to the lady he was dancing with when she gave him an indignant look. Poor guy.
  • In the 2023 tour, the line is changed to: "Here comes a prince / There goes a Jew. / This one's a queer / I might try it too" after which Thénardier (in this version, played by Matt Crowle) cuts into the dance, and dances with the gentlman in question, giving him a dip.
  • "As for you, take this too!" (Marius punches Thénardier)
  • There's also the part in Plumet Attack where Eponine tries to stop her dad from robbing Valjean's house:
    Eponine: I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna warn them here!
    Thénardier: One little scream and you'll regret it for a year.
    Eponine: *screams*
• Gavroche after Stars: That inspector thinks he's something but it's me who runs this town!
• This exchange from Red and Black.

  Enjolras: Grantaire, put that bottle down!

  Grantaire: Give me brandy on my breath and I'll breathe them all to death!

• Grantaire is full of humorous lines.

  You talk of battles to be won

  And here he comes like Don Ju-an!

  It's better than an o-per-a!

  • Hilarious in Hindsight - the 25th Anniversary's Enjolras and Grantaire, Ramin Karimloo and Hadley Fraser, went on to play the Phantom and Raoul in the 25th anniversary of The Phantom of the Opera. Which features an opera, written by the Phantom, called "Don Juan Triumphant".
  • Don't forget "Let's give 'em a screwing they'll never forget!" Although since this is Grantaire speaking, who says it was accidental?
• From Lovely Ladies:
  Prostitute: Long time
  Short time
  Anytime my dear
  Costs a little extra if you wanna take all year!
  • Really, any part of that song that doesn't involve Fantine is pretty funny. The song is riddled with innuendos.
  Sailor: Think I'll drop me anchor in that harbor over there!
  • "Poor men, rich men, leaders of the land! See 'em with their trousers off they're never quite as grand!"
  • "Lovely ladies, waiting in the dark! Ready for a thick one or a quick one in the park!"
• In the 25th anniversary concert, during the robbery attempt, after Valjean and Cosette disappear, Marius is left standing there and realizes they're gone, darting offstage with his hands up and an "I wasn't here!" look on his face.
• From the same concert, when Marius is explaining why he's so out of it at the meeting, as soon as he says the word "she", all his friends take on the most knowing expressions. It's entirely nonverbal, entirely background, and entirely hilarious.
• A funny verse from the otherwise sad "Drink With Me".
  Here's to witty girls who went to our beds
  • Added hilarity in the 2014 Broadway revival, where the boy who sings this line (Joly) sings it, and proceeds to then fall backward off the bench he’s sitting on, either because he’s completely sloshed and laughing too hard, or because the woman sitting next to him smacks him across the chest immediately after he finishes his line.
• Valjean pokes fun at Cosette's naivete on his deathbed.
  Yes, Cosette. Forbid me now to die!
• "The Confrontation" can be a funny Mood Whiplash since Javert again antagonizes Valjean just moments after Fantine dies.
  • In some productions Valjean's reaction to Javert's appearance isn't shock or alarm, but just exasperation. You can practically hear some Valjeans thinking "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!".
    • In the movie this even extends into the sword fight:
  Valjean: All I did- (parries a blow from Javert) was steal some bread!
• The two cops in the prologue arrest Valjean for stealing from the "honest" bishop, then said bishop lies for Valjean.
• This 1987 Hungarian production of Les Mis is, for the most part, quite good, but then there is Valjean basically screeching the end note of "Who Am I" and Javert doing the same in his suicide scene. It really needs to be heard to be believed. The former example is particularly infamous and had become something of a minor meme among the musical's fans.
• The revival also spices up the oft-disparaged “A Heart Full of Love” by making Marius Adorkable as hell. He butchers the opening lyric twice. He moans “I’m doing everything all wrong” at turning around to see Cosette is gone from her balcony, and when she then comes out the front door he can barely squeak out “I do not even know your name.” And when he first opens the 'song', Cosette looks in total confusion the first time, then leaves the second time, and all the time Eponine is watching Marius with a 'this was your idea, you know' expression.
• The 35th anniversary (Les Misérables: The Staged Concert) delivers a goldmine of levity.
  • The Thénardiers immediately switching from calling each other vulgar names to politely and delightedly greeting a new customer.
  • The Thénardiers have a bit of a Pragmatic Villainy-induced Oh, Crap! moment when Valjean says that Fantine is dead.
  Monsieur: Oh blimey, Fantine snuffed it!
  Madame: Shhhhit!
  • Monsieur Thénardier's utter inability to do the sign of the cross after Madame claims the two of them are good Christians. He settles for tapping himself on the forehead and the chest repeatedly.
  • Madame biting the paper money like one would do with a gold coin (to check if it's real).
  • Madame trying to get Monsieur to ask Javert for permission to go after Valjean and Cosette has fled. It resembles two kids trying to ask a parent for permission to go outside.
  • Javert's Oh, Crap! face as Gavroche outs him on the barricade, followed by the little boy getting up in his face and giving him the middle finger. Javert has to be restrained by two Amis from lunging at Gavroche.
  • The cute little choreography in the background of Beggars at the Feast.
  • Madame starts laughing after Marius punches Monsieur out. Monsieur repeatedly tries to cue the conductor to start the song, only to be interrupted by her drawn-out laughter. He snaps, "I should have married your sister!" and she immediately shuts up.

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