Funny / Last Week Tonight With John Oliver Season Seven

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• On the aftermath of the Trump impeachment trial and his interference in the sentencing of Roger Stone.
  • John opens the season by talking about the biggest news stories during the hiatus, ending with "what happens when an obvious criminal socipath is accused of abusing his power, yet somehow holds onto his office by sailing through a sham investigation"... and then reveals that he's talking about how sports mascot Gritty was being cleared of assault charges after being accused of punching a teenage fan. Then he brings up Trump's impeachment trial.
  • When John was discussing Gritty's case in itself, he takes exception of the reporter describing Gritty's eyes as "googly."
    John: For start, I'm not sure that "googly" is the best way to describe Gritty's eyes at all. Deeply psychotic? Sure! Two swelling vortexes of horniness and rage? Better! A pair of haunted nipples floating on a plate of milk and surrounded by a nest of orangutan pubes? Now we're getting somewhere; now we're describing this monster's eyes.
  • John is not reassured by Maine Senator Susan Collins saying that Trump has learned his lesson from the impeachment.
    John: Of course he hasn't learned his lesson! Trump never learns his lesson! This is the man whose first-born child was Donald Trump Jr., and he kept having children! There is no lesson-learning capacity in the man!
  • When discussing Trump ally Roger Stone being found guilty on various charges only for the Justice Department to overturn the ruling for half-assed reasons after Trump complained about it, John calls out how Stone is obviously guilty by bringing up his infamous fashion sense:
    John: ... and also, look at him! I know you shouldn't profile people based on how they look, but Look! At! Him! [each word punctuated by a picture of Stone in outlandish clothes] Look at him! His dress code is "Business scoundrel"! He looks like the mannequin at a department store for Dick Tracy villains! He looks like a guy whose day planning just says "Frame Roger Rabbit"! Look at him!
  • John shows several clips from pro-Trump pundits defending his medding into Stone's trial, ending with one saying that the Justice Department works for the President and is part of the Executive Branch. John sarcastically agrees with him, leading to a convoluted story about what would it look like if a group of DOJ officials had to take orders directly from Trump.
    John: Oh, he's right of course! Everyone at the Justice Department works for the President. When he says "Jump", they should say "How high?"; when he says "Lock her up, they should say "How long?"; when he says "Get me Flubber", they should say "From the movie?"; when he says "Yes!", they should say "Okay?"; when he says "Where's that Flubber I asked for?", they should say "We're working on it!"; When he says "I need it now", they should say "Okay, here it is!"; when he says "Is this lettuce?", they should say, "No, that's Flubber"; when he says "It's not dancing", they should say "It's probably just tired!"; when he says "Go away so my Flubber can sleep", they should say "It would be an honor"; and then everyone in the Justice Department should line up and kiss the Flubber goodnight because dammit, they're part of the Executive Branch, they work for him!
  • John notes that Trump's remarks about the case resulted in Attorey General William Barr saying that Trump should stop tweeting about DOJ cases, which was perceived by most of the media as a riff between Trump and the AG, but John said that he had "a sickening feeling" that Laura Ingraham was the one who actually got it right when she said that Barr actually was basically telling Trump "I got this." All of this leads into a hell of a punchline.
    John: To borrow a phrase used almost exclusively by white supremacists: Laura Ingraham is right.
• On Medicare For All:
  • John describing a Fox News anchorwoman^note Lisa Kennedy Montgomery, or just Kennedy, also known for being a former MTV VJ as "Sarah Palin's fourth attempt at cloning herself" and "Tina Fey doing her best Dr. Evil impression."
  • John discusses how health insurance company PEHP started sending their clients to Tijuana, Mexico, to buy their drugs in exchange for $500.
    John: That's fucking crazy! Giving you $500 to go to Mexico to buy drugs is not what your insurance provider should be doing. It's what your sketchy friend Meredith should be doing, cause she wants to make Brianna's bachelorette party (squeaky female voice) a total rager! I'd go myself but I have outstanding warrants...
  • After discussing the issue of wait times, John remarks that no one likes waiting in line for anything, and when faced with one in Trader Joe's, people would either abandon their cart or pull the fire alarm and sneak out with their groceries undetected.
    John: I'm not saying I ever done that, I'm just saying (pulls out a grocery bag, crowd cheers) I had a show to do tonight and who wants some peanut butter pretzels? (flings package to the crowd)
  • As John discusses how Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg's proposal, "Medicare For All Who Want It", doesn't actually address the problems that exist within the American healthcare system:
    John: That's kind of like being offered either a shit sandwich or a slightly smaller shit sandwich with guac. I mean, I guess I'll take the second one if you're asking, but honestly, the lack of guac wasn't really my main fucking concern.
• On Michael Bloomberg's presidential campaign:
  • John is pretty freaked out by one pundit's explanation of why people would vote for Bloomberg:
    Pundit: They like dating Pete [Buttigieg], they like dating Amy [Klobuchar], but they like the guy who can take them to the prom in the the best-looking gown, the best-looking dress, and the biggest flowers, and that's Mike Bloomberg.
    John: What are you talking about? That is such a creepy thing to say. Although, just for the record, nobody is hoping that Mike Bloomberg will take them to the prom. Now, I do get why you might confuse him with a prom date, though; he's painfully awkward, looks uncomfortable in a suit, and he's a virgin. I know, I know he technically has two daughters, but that doesn't change the fact that Michael Bloomberg has big virgin energy.
  • When John discusses how much money Bloomberg has spent on advertising for his campaign, he says that at this point the viewer will probably have seen one already. Just as he says that, a pop-up ad for Bloomberg appears onscreen. Made more hilarious John shrieking "WHAT THE FUCK?!" when he notices it and shoos it away with a rolled paper, at which point the ad grows legs and runs away.
  • John is clearly at a loss for words when he sees that one ad for Bloomberg consists simply of Bloomberg asking "Where's my ice cream?", and after being handed a pint and awkwardly taking a scoop out of it, saying "Big Gay ice cream is the best."
    John: ...Okay?
  • John then notes that Bloomberg's campaign has been paying meme-generating Instagram accounts to make memes for his campaign, including one named "shitheadsteve." John then acts as if shitheadsteve was a bastion of journalism and is now tainted for him.
  • When John discusses Bloomberg's controversial stop-and-frisk policy as Mayor of New York City, he notes that he may be not the best person to do it.
    John: People of color don't need their experience validated by somebody like me, who, let's face it, is so white he looks like the ghost of a stork who died of a milk overdose while listening to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me I know what I am!
• On Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi:
  • The segment on Modi starts with John saying that India just narrowly beats out the United States where a twenty-minute lecture in a British accent is the least welcome.
  • John taking the opportunity to give Trump "The Reason You Suck" Speech when he mentions Modi being the Father of India:
    John: Yeah, that’s not so bad, is it? You know what a father is, right? It’s a guy who brings the family together by giving them lots of money but never emotional validation and sure, that means the remainder of your life is spent in a series of grasping quests for recognition and unconditional love from everyone around you and if anyone doesn’t love you enough, you hate them and want them to die in prison because living this kind of life is kind of like being in a very nice boat made of friends think you’re the best and anyone who doesn’t think that is a small hole in your boat and it lets the water in, and eventually you sink below the waves, and there’s nothing left but you drowning in a silent, screaming, abyss that your father bestows you as your gruesome birthright!
  • When talking about how Modi's supporters are dedicated enough to wear masks of him at his rallies, John begs his audience to never do that in his show, accompanied by a graphic depicting that, since that is one of his literal nightmares.
  • John notes that Modi's election in 2014 was one of the subjects of the show's very first episode, and then complains that Modi has aged much better since then than he has.
    John: If this is the result of someone slowly poisoning me... please do it faster.
  • A clip at one of the recent New Delhi riots where some protestors even torched buses.
    John: Burnt out buses generally aren't a sign that people aren't happy with you. They're a gesture that says, "You suck so hard I don't even care how I get home."
  • After a clip of a Hindu nationalist favorably speaking of how Hitler preserved the "purity" of his people, John states that the only thing Hitler should be praised for is killing himself, complete with a graphic of John giving a thumbs up and reading "Way to go, Hitler!". John then asks that the viewer not take that image out of context.
• On Coronavirus:
  • John starts by mentioning that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said that the virus spreading to the U.S. was "not a matter of 'if' but 'when'".
    John: "Not a question of 'if' but 'when'" is just not a comforting thing to hear about the spread of something deadly. It's only conforting if you're talking about whether Saoirse Ronan will win an Oscar, or whether Henry Kissinger will ever die. [audience gasps] Don't worry, it's not a question of "if", but "when"! [crosses fingers with an excited expression]
  • When John lists many questions on the way one could get coronavirus, which includes gargling with bleach and eating Chinese food.
    John: Of course you can't get the coronavirus from eating Chinese food. In fact, if you're eating at a Panda Express, you can't even get Chinese food from eating Chinese food. Although I will say this: you are unlikely to get the coronavirus if you regularly gargle bleach, because you know what they say, being dead is already the best medicine.
  • After John notes that journalist Chuck Todd considered that the virus's disease having a 2% mortality rate wasn't severe, and telling an anecdote about telling it to his son:
    John: Okay, so, first, on behalf of your teenager: "Dad, get out of my room and stop telling me the news!" But second, 2% of people is a lot when you're talking about those people dying. Think about it this way: Two percent of people disappearing was literally the premise of The Leftovers. You know, the show whose pilot very much did not consist of Justin Theroux going "Well, that was rough, but to be honest, could have been worse" and then the show ended.
  • When showing a news clip about how loudspeakers were installed in Wuhan (from where the outbreak started) notifying of the city's lockdown.
    John: Holy shit. A talking box that tells you you can't leave your house feels pretty dystopian. To be honest, I prefer our dystopia where [shows an Amazon Alexa] a talking box listens to all our conversations and then tells Jeff Bezos when I'll need underwear next. It's such a convenient way to give up everything.
  • When John lists the many ways countries around the world made campaigns to stop the spread of the virus, he highlights Vietnam doing a song about hand-washing that is incredibly catchy, even becoming a TikTok challenge.
    John: Vietnam made a song about washing your hands to prevent coronavirus infection and it absolutely slaps! That's a genuine club banger right there! [...] It makes all other songs about washing yourself look like trash, and I'm talking to you here, Ernie. Look, you're been on top of the pile for a long time, but you got complacient, didn't ya, and while other artists were out there innovating, you kept singing the same old ducky song. You lost the hunger, son! You fell asleep on the wheel and music moved on without ya!
• When doing an update about the episode about Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, John reveals that in India, streaming service Hotstar didn't carry the episode. John then adds that Hotstar has a history of censoring episodes, in particular those featuring jokes about Disney, due to Hotstar actually being owned by Disney, such as removing a joke in the episode about the U.S. census that Mickey Mouse was a cocaine addict (calling it a "Disney Fact"), and one in the episode about China's One-Child Policy that Donald Duck's penis is shaped like a corkscrew (which in particular annoyed John, since in real life duck do have corkscrew-shaped penises). He then states that, in virtue of the authority he considers him having played Zazu gives him, he's going to make "Disney Fact" a Running Gag.
  John: If I say that Cogsworth collects Nazi memorabilia, guess what? That's canon, baby! That's a Disney fucking Fact right there! And for the foreseable future Hotstar, you'll look forward to learning a lot more of them on this show, 'cause we're gonna slide them down into our stories like Chip 'n Dale slid into Richard Gere. That's a Disney Fact, motherfuckers!!!
• On Coronavirus III:
  • When discussing hair dressers being unnecessary right now, he said your hair will look bad, but you'll get through it.
    John: (shows a picture of himself with his hairstyle from his The Daily Show days) Trust me. (shows another) Trust me. (shows a high school pic with another bad haircut) ...TRUST me.
  • After Trump remarks that the Coronavirus is a "different kind of a war":
    John: Yeah, I guess it is different, isn't it? It's like World War II only the enemy is invisible, or like The Vietnam War only this time, Trump is actually taking part.
  • John shares a clip of the Governor of Kentucky chastising people in his state not taking social distancing seriously enough, even throwing so-called "coronavirus parties". After agreeing with the stupidity of this, John then calls attention to the Governor's sign language interpreter, who upon hearing the phrase "coronavirus parties" pauses in the translating to give what John calls "the perfect WTF face". He then asks that someone gif that woman's expression immediately. Bilingual Bonus comes into play here—the interpreter actually pauses her interpretation to do the ASL sign for “what”.
  • Since social distancing prevents John from doing his grandiose, budget-wasting displays, John decides he needs another way to waste HBO's money. To that end, he somehow found his way to the Gallery 33 televised art auction in 1992, which at the time was selling, among other thing, erotic art of anthropomorphized rats by Brian Swords of York, Pennsylvania. Fixating on a specific piece sold for $80, he offers $1,000 to the current owner so he can hang it on his wall for future broadcasts, plus $20,000 to that person's local food bank.
  • A couple weeks later, John revisited the subject, showing a few other artworks along similar lines people had sent to him (including a depiction of Oliver as "a hot rat") before leading into the announcement that he had tracked down and purchased the piece he wanted:
    John: Look... is this what America needs most right now? No, of course it isn't! America needs a vaccine, more ventilators, a different President, and also would just like a quick break. But you know what would be nice in the meantime? A victory!
• On One America News Network:
  • The "And Now This" segment is about all the news people working from home over telecom asking each other if they're wearing pants. At the end of the episode, once John signs off but leaves the camera running, he gets up and reveals that he's not wearing pants.
  • John predicts that news networks will one day announce his tragic death via pelican.
    John: Look, I love corndogs, the pier, and taunting large birds. It's only a matter of time.
  • A nice Call-Back to the "trust me" from the previous episode, talking about how one of OANN's news hosts got a haircut in an act of "defiance", and John saying you'll survive if you have bad hair on TV...
    John: Trust me. (shows a picture of himself with bad hair) Trust me. (shows another) Hey! Look at me. Trust me. (shows another)
  • John reveals that OAN reporter Chanel Rion runs a word-of-the-day website, Wordeby's, focusing on erudite, obscure words such as "Metanoia", "Orphic" and "Backpfeifengesicht", the last of which he frequently mispronounces. John describes the website's About page as fanfaronade and at the end of the video, disparages OAN with more words.
    John: This website is so handy!
  • John shows a tweet by OAN's network account, lambasting Trump for neglecting to mention them in his thank-you speech to his supporters in the media.
    John: They slip from fawning praise to sullen fury if people stop complimenting them for a single second, although when you put it like that, you do kind of get what OAN and the President see in each other.
• On Coronavirus IV:
  • The perils of working from home: John has no idea what a news reporter was talking about because a cat was sitting on a mantelpiece in the background and licking its asshole.
  • John is of the opinion that the Amazon logo looks like a circumcised penis.
• On Coronavirus V:
  • John commenting that Rush Limbaugh has "millions of listeners, a Presidential Medal of Freedom and almost certainly a room in his basement that his housekeeper is not allowed to go into."
  • John shows clip of Sean Hannity discussing that baseball stadiums be open, miming how he'll eat a hot dog (complete with a stupid sound effect) and drink his beer.
    John: Anecdotally, I know a guy who ate a hot dog once and didn't get Coronavirus so that absolutely checks out.
  • John comparing Limbaugh's gold microphone to C3PO's penis.
  • When noting that Trump parroted Steve Hilton's "cure is worse than the disease", John wonders why Trump can't parrot other shows the next day:
    John: If he's gonna do that, the very least he could do is pick a better show than Steve Hilton's The Next Revolution. Why not go with Below Deck: Sailing Yacht? That way, we get to hear the President the United States tell us about how Adam the chef is a tease and how Madison needs to understand her role in the interior pecking order and start listening to her chief Stu because Jenna does not need to take her shit. Yes, it wouldn't be helpful during a pandemic, but al least it wouldn't be actively harmful!
• On Wendy Williams: In a clip, Wendy calls for her cats, Chitchat and Myway:
  John: Now look! There's nothing surprising with cats not coming when they're called. After all, you've never seen any cats on this show and I have 28 of them. Watch. Milkdud! Domino! Gaster! Jefferson! Opus! Stanley! Clown Car! Becky! Allison! Deborah! Gus! Gus 2! Gus 3 - The Final Gus! Gus 4 - A New Begussaning! Daniel Craig the Cat! Gumdrop! Mr Prettywhiskers! Bluebell! Amelia! Reginald! Strawberry! Floopynummybutterkins! John Jr! Stripey! Noodles! Dikatbe Mutombo! Dikatbe Catombo! FRANK! (beat) See?
• USPS:
  • John plays an audio clip of a toilet being flushed during oral arguments to the Supreme Court. John criticizes this, so naturally it happens to him. He then yells to his son that they are strictly to poop on Tuesdays.
  • John paraphrasing Bill Barr:
    John: History is a lie we tell ourselves when we fall asleep at night, the world is nothing but formless chaos and there is no truth but that which that the strong impose upon the weak.
  • John describing Peter Hagel's suit as "the carcass of an American flag that he murdered".
  • The smiling mail lady who interrupts Tik Tok videos, including an "interspecies orgy" (two cows licking a cat).
  • The "stuck on stamps!" retro '90s ad.
    John: First: That song can get it. And also, kudos on featuring all the stamps that kids love, from those slammin' dino stamps to the dank "get well" stamp with irises, and my personal favorite: The one that simply says "lace-making". And I think I speak for cool kids everywhere when I say there's simply nothing doper than a totally bitchin' lei stamp; I'm just worried it might be too cool.
  • John noting that you can't download medicine from the internet. Although, you can download The Medicine by Jeremy Renner... "but, and this is very important: You shouldn't do that."
  • John having bought a "The Grass is Greener Under My Weiner" rock from Kansas and visibly struggling to pick it up and put it down. The rock makes loud "thunks" when being placed back onto where ever it was resting on.
    (the second time) Jesus Christ!
• Cats: With videos of cats watching Last Week Tonight spreading around the internet, John did a special Cat Week Tonight skit, ending with a parody of his Doomsday video, with Michael Sheen just saying the word "Cats" over clips of cats.
• Voting By Mail: His off-topic rant about HBO Max:

  John: What the fuck is that, by the way?? Does anyone actually know? How do I get it? I'm on it and I don't know! And why is it so purple? It's like I'm watching television from inside Grimace's asshole, and not in a good way.

• Coronavirus VIII: Prisons & Jails:
  • When discussing cramped prison cells:
    John: It's hard to practice social distancing when you live in what's basically a closet with two beds and a toilet. In fact I'd argue you can't practice most things under those circumstances apart from games like, "let's try not to accidentally hug each other" and "who can poop the quietest". And incidentally, the correct answer to that last question is Blake Lively; she poops the quietest. That is simply a fact.
  • Bringing up Balloon Boy:
    John: Remember when Balloon Boy was the craziest story you had to worry about? 2009 truly was a simpler time to be alive.
  • John gleefully explaining what a K-Pop stan is, and how they used fancams (for the uninitiated, just a mix of edited videos of your favorite celebrity with music playing over it) to troll the hell out of white supremacists. He's also confused, but delighted to announce that there is at least one fancam of him. With precisely one like.
    John: I don't know what the correct number of likes is for a video of my face and body, but I will say that one feels a little high.
• China & Uighurs:
  • A reporter confronted the CEO of Volkswagen exec about if it uses forced labor.
    John: Wow. Finding out that Volkswagen is overlooking a massive human rights crisis is kind of a lot like finding out your grandparents are still having sex. Sure, it's completely horrifying, but it really shouldn't be too shocking; after all, they've been doing it since World War II.
• Juries:
  • Noting that people with the last name starting with "Z" always get the short end of the stick, and protests that people with Z last names are hotter:
    John: Zayn, Zoe, Zendaya, Zac Efron, and of course, zonkeys: Half donkey, half zebra, all sex.
  • His entire diatribe on the creation of Vinnie Politan's "Race Card".
  • His mini rant against the town of Danbury, CT, just for how randomly vitriolic it is. It comes back again in the following episode on the border wall.
    John: If you're going to forget a town in Connecticut, why not forget Danbury, because - and this is true - FUCK Danbury! From its charming railway museum to its historic halfstone castle, Danbury, Connecticut can eat my whole ass! I know exactly three things about Danbury: USA Today ranked it the second best city to live in in 2015, it was once the center of the American hat industry, and, if you're from there, you've got a standing invite to come get a thrashing from John Oliver, children included - fuck you!
• RNC 2020 and Kenosha:
  • John happily notes that for once, an episode's main story is actually about stuff that happened that week, meaning that the show is finally living up to its title.
  • After reviewing Danbury's response to him randomly insulting them, John is delighted when the mayor says that they plan to name their sewage plant after him. Then he tears into the mayor for chickening out on the promise, and offers $50k to fund various local charities on the condition the mayor honor his original claim. He even provides the sign so the taxpayers won't have to fund it.
• The World Health Organization (WHO):
  • The Running Gag through the segment of John's bewilderment at Trump referring to the WHO as being "literally a pipe organ of China", leading John to constantly put up a picture of a pipe organ and state that "it literally isn't", because that's not what the word "literally" means.
  • John shows a clip of Trump and his supporters accusing the WHO of being influenced by China, ending with Republican Representative James Comer saying, "China lied, the World Health Organization complied, and as a result many Americans died." John says that "that rhyme sounded compelling, but it is important to remember, not everything that rhymes is true." He decides to demonstrate it via Refuge in Audacity.
    John: Here, I'll show you: "In 1981, James Comer was up to no good / He stood on a boat and pushed it as hard as he could / And that's how James Comer killed Natalie Wood." That is a fantastic rhyme, no questions there, but I do have to accept that it might be untrue.
• John's months-long feud with Danbury, CT comes to an end with the city finally agreeing to rename their sewage plant after him.
• 2020 Election results:
  • John gives out the e-mail address the GOP is using to collect reports of election interference, casually mentions that the term of art for that is "ratfucking", and suggests the audience do what they will with that information. Meanwhile the graphic is his favorite painting of furry rat erotica.
  • John mocks the infamous clip of a man crashing a press briefing in Nevada to repeatedly rant "The Biden crime family is stealing the election, the media is covering it up!" before abruptly stopping and storming off. Bonus points to all the people in attendance being completely unfazed by the guy's presence and the speaker in the briefing who was interrupted carrying on like nothing happened.
    John: I think my favorite thing is just how painfully clear it is there that this guy was expecting to get dragged away and was then completely stunned it didn't happen. "The Biden crime family is stealing our freedom! The Biden crime family is— Really guys, nothing? No one's gonna escort me outta here, seriously? I was really counting on someone tossing me in a car and taking me away, I don't actually have a ride home otherwise. Alright, I guess I'll walk. Have a great day everyone. Pizzagate was a 9/11 or whatever."
• Trump & Election Results:
  • John making up a story about Forty Fort, Pennsylvania, where a case of voter fraud was found (ironically committed by a Trump supporter). John narrates that the settlers came up with the name as a joke, laughed and went ahead with it despite the protest of a single settler (bearing a resemblance to John), a story that he admits has as much basis as Republican voter fraud claims.
  • In the final segment, John recaps all the fun things he and the crew have done all season, including the constant Adam Driver jokes. However, just as John is doing another one, Driver himself calls, much to John's horror. This leads to a hilarious confrontation between the two men where Adam Driver angrily calls out John for all of the jokes. It eventually culminates to John apologizing (after three failed attempts) and Driver ordering John to leave his void in the same way that John delivered all the Driver jokes.
  • As it is the season finale, John decides to reminiscence for a bit on the year that has passed, noting how the COVID-19 pandemic he has forced him and his crew to produce the show under unusual circumstances:
    John: I used to get to see the incredible people I make this show with! Most of whom I miss very much! (close up on John as his expression turns dark) ...And three of whom I don't. Two of you know who you are.
  • John lists the events of 2020.
    John: Look, this year has been an absolute parade of misery. In January alone, Australia was being ravaged by wildfires, Kobe Bryant died, and for a few days it ''really'' seemed like America was about to go to war with Iran! That was all ''this'' year! And that was before the coronavirus exploded, and everything got even ''worse.'' Mass unemployment, evictions, that video of those celebrities singing "Imagine". It was really terrible!