Funny / Last Week Tonight With John Oliver Season Nine

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• John opens the season with a story about Canada (specifically the trucker protests in Ottawa against pandemic protocols), describing the country as being "like Santa".
  John: It's northern, jolly, and full of reindeer jizz. (audience groans) We're back!
• On Critical Race Theory:
  • John brings back the Green Eggs and Ham-themed insults towards Ted Cruz when Cruz compares the teaching of CRT to the Ku Klux Klan.
    John: I do not like that Ted Cruz man. I do not like him shouting Klan. I do not like him in a room, I do not like him in Cancun. I do not like him playing ball, I do not like his face at all. I wish he'd lose his cushy job, that man, Ted Cruz, is a fucking knob.
  • After Tucker Carlson voices that CRT is immoral immediately after claiming he "never really figured out what it is", John provides this response.
    John: Wow. I don't know if I have ever seen a person confidently complain about something just seconds after admitting they don't know shit about it. "Look, I never figured out how a car engine works, to be honest, but there's a chimpanzee under the hood turning a crank, and when you press the accelerator, it pokes him with a sharp stick and makes him crank faster, and it's immoral to do that, because it's wrong."
  • When showing examples of the ways some states downplay the history of racism in America, one book contains the claim "the slave who knew Christ had more freedom than a free person who did not know the Savior." In addition to its blatant racism, John notes how out-of-place it is for a school textbook, and the overall ridiculousness of the claim itself.
    John: Any kid reading that absolute trombone-slide of a sentence would instantly drop two full grades! It sounds less like something you'd find in a textbook, and more like something you'd find crocheted on a throw pillow in Paula Deen's living room!
• John bringing up the sheer Mood Whiplash of an incident wherein CNN cut from covering the Russian invasion of Ukraine to an upbeat Applebee's commercial. And after the segment on the invasion ends, the "And Now This" segment adds that same commercial into famous news broadcasts (Obama announcing Bin Laden's death, the Kennedy assassination, the OJ Simpson murder trial verdict, Princess Diana's death).
• On Harm Reduction:
  • The heimlich maneuver bit:
    John: If any life-saving tool should be criminalized, it obviously should not be drug checking equipment; it should be the heimlich maneuver. I'm sorry, but let's get this very clear here... if you see me choking, that is frankly none of your business. If I die, let me do my favorite thing in the world: Not being surprise-hugged by a stranger. Do not touch me under any circumstances.
  • The Inside Edition teasers:
    Announcer: Bugging out! The president attacked by a cicada! Then, the guy who says he was swallowed by a whale! (second guy shown) He says it also happened to him! Then, baby dinosaur mystery! And, you call this lunch? What the heck is this? Then... (Man shows off his chest: "Not bad for an old man.") Then, storage lockers. Millions of Americans are storing their stuff in them. And, freakout! Then, (footage of birds singing) their songs so beautiful. Plus, gator girl. Plus, wild goose chase? (Man: "Or has he been eaten by alligator?") Then, chiropractors for babies! And, champagne wedding toast- this is not gonna end well.
  • And the second one:
    Announcer: Peacock invasion! (Woman: "It sounded like babies being tortured.") Then, the Brazilian butt lift! Then, tortoise theft, and you've been replaced by a robot waitress! Then, hey buddy, how's the fishing? Plus, (Man: "911, bad haircut.") Then, do face coverings prevent women from getting cat calls? Plus, (a woman is shown lifting a barbell; another woman asks: "Is the baby in danger?") Then, the woman they're calling "Hula Hoop Karen"! And, Mask Wars Karen, and why these people named Karen are fed up! Plus, supermodel Gisele saving the turtle! Then, the loopy Taylor Swift patient, whose dentist doesn't like Taylor Swift! (girl: "You don't like Taylor Swift, don't touch me!")
• John opens the April 3 show by bringing up Will Smith hitting Chris Rock at the Oscars and the myriad of response to it, then shows what he feels is the most inappropriate one — namely O.J. Simpson, of all people, condemning the situation. John points out that O.J. is the last person who has any room to talk about this kind of thing.
• Trucks:
  • John discusses America's brief obsession with truckers in the 1970s and becomes fascinated by a trailer for B.J. and the Bear:
    John: Yes. The true Golden Age of Television right there. This whole medium peaked in 1979 and we will never see the mountaintop again. That promo started - started - with a driver living with a chimpanzee, and it escalated so fast Casey Kasem didn't have time to mention the chimp! Where did it come from? Was the chimp also in Vietnam? Why is it called Bear? Who cares, there's no time, it seems we're shooting guns from helicopters at other helicopters now. Those details are just gonna have to wait. Every year the Emmys should release a statement saying, "All awards go to B.J. and the Bear again. Try harder next year, TV."
  • When mentioning how truck drivers can actually end up owing their employers money due to how they get deducted from their pay for everything they do, John describes it as being given an envelope and finding it's full of -5 dollar bills. A picture then goes up of a 5 dollar bill but with John Wilkes Booth on it.
    John: That makes sense, he does cancel out a Lincoln. That's why Aaron Burr's on the -10 and why the -100 features the steak that Benjamin Franklin choked to death on while trying to win a t-shirt. Learn your history, people!
  • The commercial for a fake TV show parodying an earlier shown one about a trucking show, only this one spells out all the very real problems with the industry that John has spent the episode discussing.
    • One trucker (played by Rob Corddry) tries to ask dispatch for permission to stop driving and sleep, only to be laughed off. When he persists, the dispatch people start reciting lines from Hamlet to mock him; he questions how they're able to quote that verbatim.
    • Another trucker is handed a paycheck that informs him he now owes the company CEO money. The CEO is gleeful and makes him pay on the spot.
• Police Interrogations:
  • John notes that interrogations are popular for television shows, using examples from NCIS, Major Crimes, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit... and My Little Pony.
  • Noting that a technology mentioned by interrogators (lasers that pick up fingerprints) doesn't exist, but thinks that it will soon be made into a Disney+ series now, starring the Star Wars lightsaber:
    John: The laser will be voiced by Oscar Isaac, and we'll all come.
• Utilities:
  • The twice-done "turned on by animals" gag:
  John: If your profit is pegged to doing certain things, you're going to make sure that you do those things more. It's just like if HBO only paid me for every time I got weirdly horny for an animal, except that's actually a bad example, because the show would pretty much look exactly like it already does- (a photo of a cheetah appears) Not now, not now, I'm trying to make a point. Go away before I change my mind... Goodness gracious.
  • Then later:
  John: Climate change is very real and unicorns sadly do not exist, which I know is not ideal, although if you're in the market for a majestic creature with a lot of horn... (same cheetah image appears) this guy... may be able... to help you.
• Water:
  • After playing a clip of Utah's governor calling on "people of all faiths" to pray for relief from the state's drought problems, John takes the mickey out of the governor by stating how desperate he must be if he's calling on the prayers of non-Mormons in a state that's dominated by Mormons.
  • The segment concludes with Brian Cox appearing as God, chastising Americans for not taking water shortages seriously. And of course, he signs off with a conclusive "Fuck off!".
• Law and Order:
  • When discussing the impact of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, John shows a particular TikTok of Olivia Benson:
    John: Look, in general I think I've made my position on police brutality pretty clear, but even I will admit—it is hard to resist the sight of Olivia Benson slamming an asshole's head on a table to the beat of "Hollaback Girl", in which case, go off girlboss! Lean into state-sponsored violence!
  • The show's Law-and-Order themed credits.
• Jair Bolsonaro:
  • "Now, you may remember four years ago, we actually discussed his first presidential run. I assume. I don't watch this show."
  • One of Bolsonaro's supporters is wearing green and yellow face/arm paint while screaming and doing a Hulk pose. John admits: "I love that man." He also notices that there's a security guard over his shoulder "scanning the crowd for threats while looking everywhere but at the bright green man right in front of him screaming so hard he might explode."
• Museums:
  • When noting how easily museums can be scammed with stolen artifacts, John brings up a story of how an art fraud scheme was uncovered because of a photo of Kim Kardashian next to a sarcophagus, which went viral and let to an anonymous tip revealing the coffin was stolen. He notes that she's produced a lot of incredible images of her standing next to men who look like they died a long time ago, with a photo of himself and Kim Kardashian.
  • Given the difficulty of repatriation, John proposes a plan B: the Payback Museum. What follows is a skit where Kumail Nanjiani presents a museum full of various British, American, and French artifacts presented in the same way that a lot of African, Asian, and South American artifacts have been presented in museums, with hilarious results.
    • The first exhibit is one of the Stonehenge arches. They took it because Britain was leaving it out to get wet so they clearly couldn't be trusted with it anymore. And also to spite them.
    • The Asia wing was meant to have 10th century Cambodia statues, but they were stolen and now all that's left is their feet. So in return, they've got a "bunch of shit" from France, including The Mona Lisa, Versailles art, and Liberty Leading the People, which has just been rumpled up in a corner.
      Nanjiani: The story of its ownership can be just as interesting as the art itself. Who's owned it, who's loved it, who yelled "STOP!" as we ran out of the museum with it....if that happened, which it definitely didn't because we have the papers saying it's fine!
    • The final stop is the storeroom, containing loot, more loot, and three of Gerald Ford's ribs. Because they couldn't get four.
• At the start of a story about the British monarchy's role in British imperialism, John admits that it's unlikely to be aired in the UK, so he's prepared an alternative — a 25 minute clip of Winston Churchill going backwards down a waterslide, set to the Benny Hill theme music.
• John discovers fans of his somehow input weird stories with him on AI image generators. One involved a cabbage, so he films himself marrying a cabbage with Steve Buscemi presiding the ceremony. In the season finale, he returns for more, and when a request for an elaborate episode closing setpiece involving clowns in unicycles only returns a recreation of John out of the Uncanny Valley, he puts HBO's money exactly in that, saying clowns in unicycles is a very accurate translation of the chaos of 2022.