Funny / Last Week Tonight With John Oliver Season Five

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• The trailer consists of a Don LaFontaine-style In a World… narration that keeps getting interrupted by John reacting to insane headlines on his phone.
  "...the President's losing a Twitter fight to Jewel."
  "ISIS won Powerball? Who sold them a ticket!?"
  "Where are kittens even getting opioids?"
  "Oh, he did the accent. It's much more racist if he did the accent."
  "A chipmunk attacked a synagogue...and he knew it was a synagogue."
  "Wait, Harambe, again? I literally don't understand how that's possible. Did he come back? And then they got him again?...Was the same kid involved?"
  • It ends with him getting a text that just says "RUN!". Nothing actually happens, but he still ends up running around anyway.
• His segment on scandals throughout the world:
  John: And now on our final stop on the Tour de Scandal, Israel: the thing that you bring up when all your friends are the same political party, but you still want to have an argument.
• On his episode about Trump vs. The World:
  • John asks how is Donald Trump handles other nations:
    John: How his approach to the world going? And the answer, surprisingly, is great! And now, this!
    ["And Now This" transition starts before abruptly reversing]
    John: Wait wait wait wait wait! I'm kidding! It's been a fucking disaster! In fact, to give you a sense of how much damage he can do in very little— I can't believe you nearly bought that!
  • The segment ends with John talking about how America has great things and terrible things all mixed together, impossible to separate. If he had to summarize America in one sound, it would be New York City Gay Men's Chorus singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth, which for him is a terrible, stupid song sung in a beautiful manner.
  • In another example of how America is both wonderful and awful, he brings up Popeye's Chicken.
    John: It's objectively awful, but I would RUN ACROSS TRAFFIC to eat this shit!
• When John announced that the judge in the court case between the show and Murray Energy was planning to dismiss the case, he says that "Now is not the time for gloating...." followed Mr. Nutterbutter stepping out with a giant sign saying "EAT SHIT, BOB!"
• On his episode about the Italian Election:
  • John notes that with the fact that it's Italy's 65th government in over 70 years, so even Italians might have trouble remembering who the leader is. John shows who it is, only to reveal that the picture is just what came up when he searched "Italian Man" in a stock image website.
  • When he finds out that one of the political movements in the election organizes Vaffanculo Day, which translates to "Fuck Off" Day, he's very excited, thinking that Hallmark should get in on it, because he has a lot of people to send cards to.
  • When it's revealed that a far-right supporter who opened fire and wounded six was a candidate for a local election, John points out that the man received no votes.
    John: Not only did his family and friends not vote for him, he didn't even vote for himself! Even if you are a racist, murderous piece of shit, if you run for anything, you should at least get one vote or you're just a fucking idiot!
  • At the end of the segment, John notes that the government could still pick a non-politician who has had nothing to do with the campaign, and suggests that he should run. They asked several Italian legal experts, and while they said John couldn't run for Prime Minister of Italy, they also admitted that there's no explicit provision that said he couldn't.
    John: We have ourselves an Air Bud scenario. Remember: The rules of basketball did not explicitly state he couldn't play. Next thing you know, the dog's dunking. Well, I am that dog, Italy, so alley-oop, motherfuckers!
  • He then goes on to state he is not so different from the other politicians running in Italy. There was a party started by a comedian, and he considers himself a comedian by technicality; there are politicians that appear on TV with live animals, which he's done several times; and for candidates who appeared as contestants on Italian game shows, he admits he hasn't done that, but considering all the false news that have gone on, he sees no reason why he shouldn't lie and say he has, showing fake footage of him on the Italian version of Wheel of Fortune, and making a ridiculous mistake which results in everyone including the host booing him (in reference to the exact same thing happening to one of the candidates who was a contestant).
    John: Why did I go to the trouble of faking a game show in which I lost? I think deep down, it's just who I am.
  • Screwing up the accompanying photo of Silvio Berlusconi by "accidentally" showing HPV and then a condom filled with marinara sauce.
• When he says that Jared Kushner's behavior is not as different from Donald Trump, he notes that the difference between them is that one has electrifying sexual chemistry with Ivanka Trump...and the other is Jared Kushner.
• On his episode about NRA TV:
  • After showing news segments noting that NRA TV is carried by Amazon, Apple, and Roku, John notes how Roku must be thrilled to be put on the same level of major streaming services of Amazon and Apple.
  • When looking over the show Love At First Shot, he is baffled at the absurdity of some of the show's moments.
    John: "A light poof of happiness?" It's a little weird to describe a semi-automatic rifle the way Bob Ross describes a fucking cloud!
  • Another is from their favorite moment of the show. Where two of the women shoot containers of paint over a canvas to give to the pregnant host to hang in their nursery.
    John: Yeah. They shot paint. So when somebody inevitably asks why you have what appears to be a blank canvas with a large bloodstain hanging up in your child's nursery, you'll be able to completely reassure them by saying "Oh yeah, my friend shot that for me!"
  • They look over the commercials, which have a vaguely threatening tone over calming imagery. One example is how they portray marijuana, calling it a prostitute.
    John: I didn't think this was possible, but I think that guy just slut-shamed marijuana. And don't get me started on mushrooms, those filthy tramps! They'll grow next to anything! Whores with spores, that's what I call them!"
  • Parodied at the end with a fake commercial making muffins sound absolutely terrifying, paid for by the National Pancake Council.
  • At one point they show an NRA ad featuring a TV showing news clips critical to the organization and Donald Trump, including Last Week Tonight itself, before a man smashes the TV with a sledgehammer. At the end of the episode, the camera pulls back to reveal a TV similar to the ad, and John, dressed like the man in the ad, proceeds to smash the TV with a sledgehammer too.
  • In relation to this, the original NRA ad where a television gets smashed prompts John to dryly comment, "If NRA members are annoyed with what I'm saying right now, they should do the exact same thing, and smash their expensive televisions with large sledgehammers. Are you listening, NRA members? Destroy your own property. It's a really good idea, and it's honestly the only way we'll learn."
• On his episode about cryptocurrency:
  • John says that for most people, bitcoin was only talked about by the one guy in the office who wouldn't shut up about it. He decides to name this hypothetical person "Dan", because that's the name of the person who's been talking about it, showing pictures of the writer, Dan Gurewitch, who John constantly berates throughout the segment.
  • John finds out that companies that added "blockchain" to their name saw their stock increase threefold, so he decides to rename the show to "Last Bit Tonight with Block Chainiver".
  • John starts to list the ridiculous names of cryptocurrencies, such as Titcoin, DeepOnion, and Clams.
    John: A list so insane, you can't tell which ones are real, and which I made up, because they're all real, I didn't make any up! I tried to come up with a dumber name than DeepOnion, and it just can't be done!
• On the poisoning of Russian spy Sergei Skripal and the 2018 Russian presidential election:
  • John points out that the United States and much of Europe agree on blaming Russia for the poisoning, which John thinks it's incredible, because "we can't even get the world to agree on a single shape of electrical outlets," while showing several types of shapes.
    John: What the fuck is that one◊, by the way? It looks like I'm plugging my laptop into the killer from Scream.
  • John notes that the Russian government hasn't done much to dissuade the allegations, noting what a news anchor for Kremlin-controlled Channel One Russia said:
    Russian news anchor: If you're a professional traitor, my advice is don't move to England, something's not right there, the climate perhaps, but too many things go on there; people are hanged, poisoned, helicopter crashes or they fall out of windows.
    John: It's not every day that you hear a news anchor sound exactly like a mob boss. [in Russian accent] "Breaking news: It would be real shame if wise guy who thinks he can make fun of us has terrible thing happen to him, maybe fall out of poisoned window into helicopter blade, or maybe he keep his fucking mouth shut; here's Linda with the weather."
  • John jokingly reveals that the winner of the Russian election was Hillary Clinton, which prompts a showering of balloons while Rachel Platten's "Fight Song" plays. Then John admits he was kidding and states that the actual winner was "the poison guy."
  • John resuming the reasons why the three potential candidates who might have had the best chance against Putin didn't make it to the ballot as them getting "Fucked, Harried, and Killed" respectively.^note Alexei Nalvany was barred from running due to what he says are politically-motivated embezzlement charges, Garry Kasparov fled the country saying that he fears political persecution, and Boris Nemstov was shot dead in 2015.
  • When watching a music video of Russian women praising Putin, John responds with his usual sarcastic utterance of "cool", except he does it in Russian.
• On his episode on Mike Pence:
  • John shows a news segment where Donald Trump once joked about how Pence wants to hang all homosexuals, John responds that jokes like that only work when the premise behind it is true, like bad airline food, bad breakups, and people from Toronto being terrified of hard-boiled eggs.
  • At the beginning of the segment, John said that there was one positive thing that he would say about Pence, which he later reveals is the fact that he actually likes Pence's pet rabbit, Marlon Bundo (which John even says is an objectively good name for a bunny).
    John: The point is Marlon Bundo is the most likable thing of an otherwise unlikable man, like how George W. Bush is a perfectly fine painter, or Bill Cosby raised American's awareness of pudding, or how Roger Ailes is dead.
  • John then reveals that the rabbit has a book about it to be released shortly after this episode is released, so the staff made a book making the rabbit gay and releasing it before the other book Pence is planning on releasing.
    John: And let me be completely clear about this: This is actually a book for children! This is a real children's book. This isn't some adult book telling Mike Pence to go fuck himself. Although in buying it, that's exactly what you would be doing!
  • The book quickly became much more popular than Pence's. In Amazon, Pence's book is currently at 15th place on sales with a few reviews, while John's book was a smash hit and has received universal acclaim, to the point where many 1-star ratings are just people praising the book to discredit anyone who tries to one-star it for having a gay rabbit. You know you've done something amazing when the review-trolls are on your side. (Although some fans did bash Pence's book in Amazon merely for existing, but Amazon now requires an actual purchase before it can be reviewed. Apparently it isn't a bad book, it's just that John's is better.)
  • One of the people who've praised the book might surprise you; Charlotte Pence, the daughter of Mike Pence and the writer of Pence's book loves it, fully supports the charities, and has posted a picture of Marlon Bundo wearing the same bowtie LWT's Bundo wears. Even Bundo's own social media accounts have praised the book!
• When talking about the Egypt presidential election, he reveals the winner is Hilary Clinton, leading to another showering of balloons and playing "Fight Song", only to reveal that, again, he's just kidding, and he just loves messing with the audience.
• On his episode on immigration courts:
  • John states that children with an immigration dispute having to represent themselves in immigration court to determine their nationality despite being underage is perfectly legals. He shows a YouTube series done by an immigration lawyer who interviewed children about their immigration status. It is comedy gold.
    • The first one:
      Interviewer: And do you speak English as your native language?
      Child #1: Yeah. I like my balloon!
      Interviewer: I like your balloon too. What is your best language?
      Child #1: I placed a tie over fairies to ?????? blue.
      Interviewer: Where were you born?
      Child #1: I... I... I... I... I... It was mommy and (Cheech?)
      Interviewer: So do you feel like you can go ahead and represent yourself in immigration court to determine your nationality?
      Child #1: Uh huh.
      Interviewer: Alright, are you excited to do it?
      Child #1: (excited) Yeah!
    • And the second one:
      Interviewer: If you were removed, would you like to designate a country of removal?
      Child #2: Yeah.
      Interviewer: Okay, what country would that be?
      (ten full seconds of silence)
      Child #2: Pizza.
      John: Yeah! Oh yeah, you laugh now, but it won't be so cute when that girl is deported back to Papa Johns, because it's technically pizza and that is exactly why these children need lawyers!
  • The above leads to Tot Bench, a parody of judge talk shows where the cast are all 3-4 year olds with the exception of the defendant, H. Jon Benjamin, who is understandably miffed at the sight of it.
    Defendant: Do you even know my name?
    Stenographer: David Schwimmer!
    Defendant: How do you even know who David Schwimmer is?
    Stenographer: Hacksaw Wige!
    Defendant: David Schwimmer was not even in Hacksaw Ridge...

    Defendant: How did you become a judge?
    Judge: I believed in myself to be a judge.
    Defendant: And how long have you been doing this?
    Judge: Fourteen years.
    Defendant: You've been a judge fourteen years but you're four?
    Judge: Uh, yeah!
  • Eventually the defendant gets fed up with the toddlers' antics and pleads guilty.
• On his episode on Crisis Pregnancy Centers:
  • How he introduces his main segment (similar to how he introduced the first time they handled abortion as a topic)...
    John: Pornography: Some people believe that it should be available and accessible without stigma, others think "Well, it's not for me, but it's fine for other people in certain situations", and a few people think it should be banned completely. Oh, did I say pornography? Sorry, I meant abortion.
  • John is horrified when Barbara Beavers, founder of one of the CPCs, insists that women are meant to die for their children.
    John: Holy shit! Let me be perfectly clear here, Barbara, the only females made to die for their babies are Pacific Salmon. They lay thousands of eggs and then die after spawning. You're welcome! Tune in next week for more of Johnny O's Fish Facts, Wildlife Wonders, and Abortion!
  • John notes that women would often go to a nearby CPC instead of the abortion clinic, so to make it clearer, they painted the ramp outside their door yellow, which he compares to The Wizard of Oz.
    John: Which is actually appropriate, because that movie, too, involves a young woman getting stopped several times by idiots bothering her with their own fucking issues as she just tries to get where she needs to fucking go!
  • CPCs can spout some statements about abortion that are just Blatant Lies, one of which is if a person dies due to an abortion, they will find parts of the fetus in the lungs or heart.
    John: Oh yeah, that happens a lot of times, doesn't it? Which is why you're so often reading the obituaries and see "Sarah Mitchell passed away last week at the age of 34, after she got baby dicked right in the heart."
  • The ultrasounds at CPCs sometimes have messages intended to get an emotional reaction from the parents, such as "Hi, Mommy and Daddy". John suggest more creative messages if they're going to make unrequested messages, like "I'm totally pooping in here", "I ate my twin", and "Please don't put this on Facebook, everyone hates that".
  • John reveals how easy it is for anyone to set up a CPC, much like his founding of "Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption", he decides to make his own and bring back his "wife", Wanda Jo, going around in a van called Vanned Parenthood, where they are legally able to say anything they want about abortions, like abortions will make a ghost baby to haunt them forever, will turn their breast milk to kombucha, and after an abortion, the vagina will seal up like an Egyptian tomb. Wanda Jo then reveals that she's not legally required to have any training to use an ultrasound machine, and to demonstrate, she uses it to show that John's pregnant.
• On his episode about Corporate Taxes:
  • John introduces the segment stating that most people's concerns about the tax system can be summed up by a Instagram video by Cardi B:
    Cardi B: You know that the government is taking 40% of my taxes, and Uncle Sam, I want to know what you're doing with my fucking tax money. What are y'all niggas doin' with my fucking money?! What is up y'all with my fucking money?! I want to know, I want receipts, I want everything! [starts repeating it very fast until it becomes unintelligible]
    John: Well Cardi, if you want to know where your money is going, may I present to you the recently passed omnibus spending package, because it turns out Cardi, your fucking money goes to Your Fuckin' Military, Your Fuckin' Health Care, and Your Fuckin' Social Security and Veteran and Unemployement Benefits; everything else is just some fuckin' discretionary shit, and of course, interest.
  • A lawyer named John Carol Jr. came up with an idea to move US companies offshore to avoid paying taxes, and to celebrate, his firm celebrated by hosting an opera in his apartment, celebrating about never paying taxes.
    Opera Singer: ♫ The Feds will be screaming / But you will be beaming / 'Cause we'll never pay taxes again ♫
    John: Wow, we may have just found the only musical resistant to race-blind casting. You can't go Hamilton on this one, because those people really have to be white.
  • Tim Cook, Apple's CEO, claims to not be stashing their funds on some Caribbean island, which John admits is technically correct: They put the money in Ireland and Jersey, which are not in the Caribbean.
    John: Although, when you really look at it, you could almost mistake it for the Caribbean, if you squint a little, drink nine pints of beer, and hold up a picture of the Caribbean in front of it.
  • Google, however, puts its intellectual property into Ireland, the Netherlands, and Bermuda, a technique which has the name of the "Double Irish with a Dutch Sandwich" which John thinks would be the name of the most disgusting sex act, or a more disgusting Waffle House item, claiming it's when someone opens up a baked potato, farts in it, and then closes it back up. This becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the segment, when John offers the companies a Double Irish with a Dutch Sandwich for them to enjoy.
• When talking about how the last remaining Blockbusters in Alaska would need something to draw customers in, he brings up Russell Crowe's auction of props and costumes from movies he's been in, which he briefly talked about on his Mike Pence episode. John is shocked that the leather jockstrap he wore in Cinderella Man that was expected to sell for $500 sold for $7000, leaving people to speculate that it was the Last Week Tonight team that bought it. John reveals that they weren't the ones that bought the jockstrap...except they were, though, showing off the new purchase. John then tells the audience that they didn't buy anything else from the auction...except they did, though. He then goes around displaying the new Russell Crowe stuff, offering it to the Alaskan Blockbusters, and if they don't want it, he knows a transportation museum in Scranton that would be open to making a new exhibit.
• On his episode about the Iran Deal:
  • John shows a real-life commercial meant to criticize the Iran Nuclear Deal which involved a normal family sitting down to dinner only to be vaporized by a nuclear bomb mid-conversation. John's reaction.
    John: Wow! That is a hostile way to make your point. There is only one ad that you can completely justify being interrupted by a nuclear explosion and it is this one.
    (Cut to Kars-4-Kids Commercial)
    Kars-4-Kids Singer: ♫ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids, K-A-R- ♫
    (BOOM then smash cut to the word ENOUGH)
    John: Good. Good. I'm glad those children are dead.
  • John explaining that not renewing the Iran Nuclear Deal in May because you're afraid Iran will be closer to developing a nuclear bomb in 10 years is nonsensical since cancelling the deal immediately means they'll be able to start making a nuclear bomb "right now, in zero years." John then points out the little known fact that 0 is less than 10.
    John: Trust us! We ran the numbers on this ourselves! I spent a week at Cambridge speaking with the Lucasian Chair of Mathematics, Michael Cates, and I feel virtually certain zero is less than ten! Also you should note, before the deal, Iran had enough enriched uranium to eventually create eight to ten bombs. Which, remember, they gave up. Meaning they currently have enough for zero bombs. Which again, is less than ten! I cannot stress enough, the extent that zero is less than ten! We have to agree on that, or we're all fucked!
  • To try to find some way to reach out to Trump and tell him to keep the Iran Deal going, John bought ad time on Sean Hannity's show. The commercial is a parody of the one against the Deal, showing a happy family sitting down to dinner, only to be interrupted by... the Catheter Cowboy, who then tries to convince Trump to keep the deal going by pointing out 0 is less than 10, he shouldn't listen to John Bolton because of his silly-looking mustache, and then he and the family blow up anyway because the mom forgot she left the stove on.
    John: That ad is going to confuse a lot of people.
• When a news reporter says that the newest candidate for the West Virginia senate has recently been released from prison. John reveals the candidate is O.J. Simpson. And like the fake reveals that Hillary Clinton won an election, there's another showering of balloons while "Fight Song" plays.
• On his episode on Rudy Giuliani
  • When John recaps Giuliani's popularity in the aftermath of 9/11, he notes that it included a Made-for-TV Movie about his life where he was played by James Woods. He then shows a clip of the film, where Woods-as-Giuliani is having a political conversation ("Democrats always talk about things getting better, Republicans did whatever they could to make them better"), then it somehow transitions into Woods-as-Giuliani kissing his wife:
    John: Hawt. Right? Right? I mean, come on. Who wouldn't want to watch James Woods and the lady from Kindergarten Cop trade Republican-themed pillow talk on a green screen beach before exchanging the most sexless kiss in the history of film? How did that not win all of the awards?
  • John notes that, at the beginning of Giuliani's career as a federal prosecutor, he engaged in such stunts as going undercover as a Hells Angel to buy crack, but after showing a picture of him, John claims that he looks less like a street junkie and more like "the third best member of an all-dad blues band called Dad to the Bone."
  • John makes several jokes after revealing that Giuliani's first marriage was to his second cousin.
    • When Giuliani claims that they didn't know about their familial relations until years into their marriage...
      John: Oh bull-shit! He didn't think it was just a little bit weird at the wedding ceremony when one side of the church was both families, and the other was just one very nervous photographer who didn't take a single picture?!
    • When Giuliani publicly announced he had planned to divorce his second wife without giving her any prior warning...
      John: That is just about the most humiliating way possible to end a marriage other than announcing publicly, "Whoopsie! I boned my cousin!"
    • When comparing Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani, John notes that both of them are attracted to Ivanka, which is weird for Donald because Ivanka is in his family, and weird for Rudy because she isn't.
  • John plays a audio recording of Giuliani insulting someone for wanting to own ferrets in New York. Then we get to see the ferret owner, and John reluctantly takes Giuliani's side.
  • John can't believe that in ten years, Giuliani went from Time Magazine's Person of the Year, to hosting a Mob Movie weekend on AMC.
    John: That would be like if in ten years from now, Bravo announced a Fuck Boys of the '90s Marathon hosted by Malala Yousafzai! "How the fuck did that happen!? What did I miss? Clearly, a significant amount of goodwill has somehow been squandered!"
  • John decides to buy the names to several sites in response to Giuliani's actions. Going to http://hillaryclintonillness.com/ (in reference to Giuliani being one of the people who spread the conspiracy theory that Hillary Clinton had a grave illness during the 2016 Presidential campaign^note she had this heinous illness known as "a cold") leads a video of two ferrets having sex, http://giuliani-security.com (in reference to Giuliani's private security company) leads to two ferrets that are cousins not having sex, and finally, http://giuliani2024.com (in reference to John noting Giuliani's similarities to Donald Trump, then adding that the only thing missing is Giuliani becoming President) leads to a ferret dancing and double-Flipping the Bird.
• In the update about John buying Russell Crowe's jock strap and other assorted film memorabilia:
  • It turns out Crowe put that money to good use by donating it to the care of chlamydia-stricken koalas in Australia. The Australian Zoo (run by the Irwins) even made a plaque naming it "The John Oliver Koala Chlamydia Ward" in honor to John.
    John: Well played, Russell Crowe. Well played, indeed. That may honestly be the greatest thing I've ever seen.
  • John reveals that his goal all along for the show was to get a koala chlamydia ward, decides to finally shut the whole show down. He packs up his things and the set gets deconstructed.
    John: I know you may be asking at this point "But John, wasn't making four-and-a-half seasons of aggressively researched comedy a fairly inefficient way of getting a koala chlamydia ward named after you?" And to that I answer, "Well, I mean, it worked, so I guess...Fuck you? I guess?"
• A week later, the show airs as usual. Why are they back even though John shut the show down?
  John: First, HBO contracts are a little harder to get out of than I originally thought, and second, these horny little fuckers are not as cute as you'd expect! They are nasty, they're mean, they're not technically bears, and all they kept asking was whether or not I knew James Corden and I don't! I don't know him! But I hear terrible things! So unfortunately for everybody, this show must continue, and we begin tonight with the Trump White House: The only home in America where the next occupant will have to ask "What's the best way to get cum stains out of Abe Lincoln's ghost?" Now-
  [audience groans]
  John: Yeah, WE'RE BACK!
• John talks about the controversy of one Trump White House aide who dismissed Senator John McCain's criticism of Donald Trump because "he's dying anyway" (McCain was diagnosed with brain cancer), stating that these days, it's not really surprising.
  John: "Trump aide says something awful" isn't really news, it's just an assumed fact, like gravity, or the fact that Young Sheldon will someday grow up and look nothing like Jim Parsons, and then all hell will break loose because the world can't handle an inconsistency like that!
• On Michael Cohen's Essential Consultants LLC:
  • John starts explaining how Michael Cohen used an LLC called Essential Consultants for an array of business activities, including selling access to Trump, by stating that he thought that one gained access to Trump by finding a golden ticket in a MAGA hat.
    John: Don't fall into the river of gravy, little Charlie, or you'll never be the next owner of the racism factory!
  • John notes that the name "Essential Consultants" is a total Non-Indicative Name, because Cohen is not essential, is not a consultant, and was the only person in the company, meaning that even the "s" in "Consultants" was misleading.
  • John notes that he finds odd that Cohen's sales pitch involving his knowledge about Trump, stating that lawyers usually don't pitch themselves by offering info about their other clients.
    John: It's like a doctor saying, "If you hire me, I'll tell you about all of Larry King's birthmarks." First, you're not supposed to be sharing that information. Second, EWWW! EWWW!
  • The best part comes when John lists the companies that actually did paid Cohen, culminating with AT&T, the company that is trying to buy Time Warner, the parent company of the show's channel HBO, especially when AT&T later admitted the deal stating that it was to "better understand the president's thinking."
    John: That is just ridiculous, because if you want to understand this president's thinking, simply have a donkey kick you in the head five times, and then watch Fox News for 72 hours straight. That'll give you a pretty good idea of what's going on in his mind.
• On his episode on Venezuela
  • John warns not to confuse Venezuela con "Benezela", a celebrity couple that's just Ben Affleck fucking a vuvuzela.
  • John notes that Venezuela is famous for giving the world seven Miss Universes and six Miss Worlds, "and of course, most importantly, one Wilmer Valderrama, who I like to think of as the Miss Universe of That '70s Show."
  • John warns that this main story is not going to a pleasant topic like "Slippers", "Everything Looks Okay at the Pudding Factory", or "A Genocide, But It's Only Happening to Balloon Animals".
  • John notes that conservative media has used the crisis in Venezuela as "proof" of the inevitable consequence of a socialist government, showing as an example a reporter from InfoWars who was pretty transparent in trying to get someone they were interviewing, a Bernie Sanders supporter, to bash socialist reforms in America because it failed in Venezuela, but the interviewee was completely disinterested. After a couple attempts to goad her, the interviewee dryly told the interviewer, "You people have, like, worms in your brain. Honestly."
    John: Now, that is not great news for that InfoWars reporter. She essentially just got served by Sassy Popeye.^note The interviewee had what looked like a Sailor Fuku But what you have there is a nice distillation of the current level of political discourse in America: Two people who don't really know what they're talking about, condescending to each other nonsensically, until one of them lands a sick burn.
  • John notes that the protests in Venezuela had resorted to what has become known as "Poo-poo-tov cocktails", jars filled with human feces.
    John: Yes, "Poo-poo-tov cocktails", named of course after the Soviet premier Vyacheslav Poopootov, who was infamous for pooping in jars and throwing them at people, little bit of history for you there.
  • John makes several jokes about the fact that the picture they use as reference for Nicolás Maduro is one of him opening his mouth wide to eat a banana.
    John: Current president Nicolás Maduro, seen here absolutely going to town on a 'nana.

    John: Despite all [the crisis], Maduro is about to dominate this election like he absolutely dominated that banana.
  • When discussing how Maduro's predecessor Hugo Chávez is still popular in the country, John shows a clip that brings up the Chávez eyes imagery, culminating with a man who had the design tattooed to his forehead.
    John: Now that's dedication right there. "I like my President so much I want him to watch me masturbate for the rest of my life." Because that's what those eyes are going to see. They'll see other things, but [looks up and down to his crotch] they're also seeing that.
  • John is amused by Maduro's claim that the spirit of Hugo Chávez talked to him as a bird, mostly because it's a very humiliating reincarnation.
    John: Now, what I like the most about that other than the whistling, which I like very much, is the idea that when powerful leaders die, they become birds, because that is a pretty humiliating second act. "I led my people to greatness, and now I will barf my lunch into my child's mouth and fly into a glass window."
  • As proof that Maduro is not as popular as Chávez, John shows a TV appearance where Maduro was reading messages from the viewers on air.
    Nicolás Maduro: [A viewer] tells me: "Nicolás Maduro: Suck on it." [Beat] You suck on your own. [Beat] You can suck yourself.
    John: Yes, that's right, Maduro essentially appeared on a segment of Celebrities Read Mean Tweets completely by accident!
  • Venezuelans refer to their weight loss due to the food shortage as the "Maduro Diet". John says that it's a "healthy-sounding term for a truly horrifying situation."
    John: It's like saying Jim Jones was the pioneer of the Jonestown Juice Cleanse.
  • John notes that at one point, Maduro got the "Maduro Diet" term thrown at him, which he tries to spin saying that it "makes you hard! No need for Viagra!" John is appalled.
    John: That is the most awkward presidential attempt to be "in on the joke" since Herbert Hoover claimed that Hoovertowns make you wet without the need of cornmeal or castor oil. They didn't totally understand how vaginas worked back then.
  • In order to solve the hunger problem, the Venezuelan government proposed a plan to breed and eat rabbits. Instead, many people decided to keep them as pets. The government then made a "pretty callous" correction by saying a rabbit is two-and-a-half kilos of meat, which John says would be more fitting for a tank-top Marlon Bundo would wear in his clubbing days.
  • Maduro blames the United States as conspiring to ruin Venezuela. While John admits that America was responsible for awful things in Central and South America, despite all that, America is not responsible for what is happening in Venezuela.
    John: Accusing America of creating Venezuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O. J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completely out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance!
  • John notes how Maduro, when his party lost control of the National Assembly stacked the Supreme Court with new Justices, and then simply created a whole new Assembly that superseded it, which included his wife and his son.
    John: Just think of the sheer scale of what Maduro did there. That would be like, if here, Trump put a bunch of his friends on the Supreme Court, who then happily allowed him to create a second Congress that outranks the real Congress, and its members include Melania and Eric, and which, by the way, you just know he'd call Don-gress. You know he would do that! You know it! And please take it down before he gets any ideas, I already regret bringing it up.
  • At the end of his episode, John decides that there's only one way for his message to reach Nicolás Maduro, a bird. And so he gets Wilmer Valderrama in a bird costume to speak.
    Wilmer: And if you're thinking this is just Wilmer Valderrama in a bird suit, well you used to think I was Hugo Chávez so, you're not exactly the authority on what's birds.
  • At one point, John demonstrates how out of touch Maduro is with all the people starving in his country by playing a clip of him addressing Venezuela and pausing partway through his speech to eat an empanada. Later, when Wilmer Valderrama is out in his bird costume, he makes a comment directed towards John, who is revealed to likewise be eating an empanada.
    Wilmer: Maduro, the whole world can see what mess you are making, even TV hosts here in America, like that idiot.
    John: [with a mouthful of empanada] I was just having a little snack.
    Wilmer: Bad timing, Zazu.
• When talking about the royal wedding, John plays a clip from CBS where Gayle King, where she's confused about all the fuss about Meghan Markle's bottom.
  John: You know what? That's fair, Gayle, that's actually fair. We British people are not exactly known for our taste in butts. The actual Sir Mix-A-Lot was a 16th century nobleman so inbred, that when a girl walked in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in his face he just sneezed out of his elbow and died.
• On his episode on Rehab:
  • John starts off talking about how until recently, addiction to drugs or alcohol was seen as something that could be overcome by sheer willpower alone. To emphasize his point, he shows a commercial from the 80's starring Belinda Carlisle in the Rock Against Drugs (R.A.D.) campaign. At the end of the commercial, John has his hand doing the devil's horns, saying "Rad" in a sarcastic tone. He also points out that Carlisle admitted to using cocaine for another two decades after making that commercial.
  • The rehab industry has seen an epidemic of overdose deaths, to the point where one local official says to "Stop sending your loved ones to South Florida, because we're sending them back in body bags". John admits it's horrible, but not an inaccurate tourism slogan for Florida.
  • One researcher found that most rehab centers boast impressive success rates, only going as low as 80%, but had no scientific data to back up their claims. John suggests that they might as well go further if they're going to make such impressive claims.
    John: Why even stop at 80%? Why not say you have a 140% success rate? "For every ten people that come into our facility, fourteen emerge completely sober! Where did those extra four people come from? We have no idea! That's how good we are!"
  • John follows up by saying that most of the data is self-reported, mostly coming by calling the former clients.
    John: It can be hard to admit that you've relapsed. Plus it's a phone call, so you'll say whatever it takes to make it end. Cause getting sober may be hard, but nothing is harder than an eight-minute phone call with another human being.
  • During an interview with Cliffside Malibu's founder, Richard Taite realizes that he has no idea where the patients are, saying that wherever they are, there's a "therapeutic meaning behind it".
    John: Good save, bro. Cause you were in trouble for a minute there but the "therapeutic meaning" line was absolutely inspired! Because the truth is, anything can have a therapeutic meaning! His patients are stroking horses? That could be therapeutic! They're biting owls? That could be therapeutic! Even the act of them being lost could be therapeutic! It's called "inadvertent wilderness therapy", and it's 140% successful!
  • The cycle of admission, relapse, readmission, and relapse, in which a patient is milked for their insurance in rehab centers until they die, is called "The Florida Shuffle", which is more horrific than John's initial idea of what that could've been, which was a party where everyone throws their keys into a bowl and goes home to fuck their neighbor's alligator.
• On the Royal Expert:
  • It turns out that the Royal Expert, Thomas J. Mace-Archer-Mills, Esq. is actually a New Yorker named Tommy Muscatello, John compares it to a British person pretending to be American by using the name Jefferson Budweiser McNuggets Jr.
  • He apparently has an agreement with two, unrelated, elderly British people to call them his grandparents.
    John: He went to Europe, met an old lady, asked her to be his grandmother, and now he knows all about the monarchy. And if that sounds at all familiar to you, it's cause it's literally the exact backstory of Babar the Elephant!
  • John calls Tommy's plot lazy, and suggests a better way to trick everyone with a much more favorable endgame.
    John: If you really want to pull the wool over people's eyes...get a spot on The Daily Show, bide your time, perfect your stupid fake accent, and eventually land your own weekly program on HBO! Ooh, have I said too much!?
• On his episode about court-appointed guardians:
  • John gives a basic rundown on how guardianship works, and that it's great if it works, but acknowledges that since it's their main segment, it is not always the case.
    John: That's simply not what we do on I Just Wanted to Watch a Comedy Show and Go to Sleep But Now I'm Sad with Johnny Joy-Killer.
  • John starts out the segment talking about senior citizens who are still well and active, one of them being a 104-year-old woman^note Elizabeth Sullivan whose secret was drinking 3 glasses of Dr. Pepper every day.
    Woman: Two doctors have told me that if I drink it I'll die, but they died first.
    John: Okay. Follow-up question: did you kill them? You seem awfully proud of that fact...But the truth here is not everyone is going to remain as sharp and self-sufficient in their old age as that murderer laughing at her dead doctors.
  • One of the guardians named April Parks charged for one-hundred hours a day. John insists that it's only possible on Mercury, where a day lasts 1407 Earth hours. John then explains that joke was exclusively for Neil deGrasse Tyson, who quickly corrects John on his joke.
    John: SHUT UP, NEIL! SHUT UP! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?! JUST ENJOY SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU FECKLESS-Oh, never mind. It's not worth it.
  • When someone makes a "fox in the chickenhouse" metaphor, John is quick to insist that not all foxes are thieves, it's just an offensive stereotype based on Swiper from Dora the Explorer with the hashtag #NotAllFoxes. However, because the show uses all-capital font, he acknowledges that it could also be read as #NoTallFoxes, with an appropriate graphic, which John also agrees should be given awareness.
  • John shows a skit of several elderly celebrities telling people how to prepare for old age and the possibility that they might need someone to look after them. During this, they randomly segue into a discussion about how hippos are killing machines. And apparently everybody except Rita Moreno was here to talk about hippos, and Fred Willard is especially annoyed that that's not what the video is about.
    #FuckHippos
  • The celebrities discuss how a guardian is supposed to be someone you know and trust like your son or daughter, close friend, or Tom Hanks. At the end of the video, all of them appoint Tom Hanks as their legal guardian.
• On his episode about Stupid Watergate II:
  • John lists off Trump's TV friends at Fox News: Pumpkin Dad, Captain Virgin (Tucker Carlson), Bad Judge (Jeanine Pirro), Whiter Megyn Kelly (Laura Ingraham), The Dunce Bus (the hosts of The Five), The Dunce Bus Jr. For Presidents (the hosts of Fox & Friends), and Michael Cohen Client Number 3: Sean Hannity, a man voted most fuckable by Nana Needs New Glasses magazine.
  • John explains that Rudy Giuliani is trying to appeal to the jury when he goes on television, and that is the American people.
    John: And I know what you're probably thinking right now, "Fuck! Jury Duty! Time to act like a racist idiot to get out of it!"
  • Sean Hannity displays a list of names in an effort to divert attention away from Trump's investigation. John counters with a list of his own. The list includes Harry Connick Jr., Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Cher, Wayne Gretzky, Joyce Carol Oates, The Olsen Twin, P!nk, Desmond Tutu, Sinbad (Comedian), Sinbad (Sailor), Yakov Smirnoff, Idi Amin, L. Ron Hubbard, Fatty Arbuckle, and Fabio.
    John: Hey Sean, have you thought about these fifteen people? What about them? What about Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Sean? What about Cher? We're not talking about the FBI until you answer. What about Cher, Sean?
  • John shows that Hannity constantly claims his other controversies make Watergate look like stealing a Snickers bar. John notes it's an odd comparison considering Snickers doesn't sponsor Sean Hannity's show, assuming that Snickers simply couldn't compare with Hannity's actual sponsors: "My Pillow", Recticare cream, and Sock Slider, with John showing a commercial for the last one, revealing to be a device to put on socks.
    John: Oh thank goodness! I have been waiting for someone to invent a gadget that I can pre-load with a sock condom and foot-fuck my way to comfort every morning!
  • John is amused at Fox News' constant references to FBI agents Peter Strzok and Lisa Page's affair using increasingly unsubtle euphemisms.
    John: Oh yeah, they were fuuuucking! They were doing the nasty, doing the slam-bam in the ham, stuffin' the muffin, fishing for kippers, they were porking them in 44 and piercing them at 52, they slid the wand into the Goblet of Fire, they were dining at the all you can bone buffet at B. J. O. Porkington's. They were having an affair.
  • John points out that there was no evidence of a conspiracy against Trump's in Strzok's and Page's 7,000 messages to each other, but he wants to extend some sympathy for the reporter who had to read 7,000 sexts between two horny FBI agents.
  • John gives up on picking apart more conspiracy theories because there will always be another rabbit hole. John the specifies that he means a metaphorical rabbit hole, and not "The Rabbit Hole", the gay club where Marlon Bundo found his confidence years ago.
• On his episode about Xi Jinping:
  • When Xi Jinping said that the world needs to learn more about China, John agrees, and admits that the show should've done more segments on it.
    John: Especially considering we've done roughly 4000 different stories on New Zealand, and multiple pieces on the testicle receptacle from the 2005 Russell Crowe film Cinderella Man!
  • The overall mood of China's middle class is positive, which stuns John.
    John: Wow. A sense of optimism about the future. I've got to say, as a British person, I just find that utterly incomprehensible. If you look up optimism in the OED, and this is true, the definition simply reads "No".
  • The music video for China's Belt and Road initiative starring kids is so annoying yet catchy, John dubs it "Kommunist Kars 4 Kids".
  • On Xi Jinping's crackdowns on references to Winnie the Pooh due to being embarrassed about the supposed resemblance between them, John points out that it's not much of one, but the simple fact that it irritates him so much means that people will never stop bringing it up. He then advises that the only way to win when you resemble a popular cartoon character is to "lean into it", while showing a picture of himself alongside Zazu from The Lion King, referencing his upcoming role as the character in the 2019 remake.
  • China's plans to give each Chinese citizen a social credit score includes the penalty of low-speed internet if one's score is too low. John thinks that low speed internet is a perfect business opportunity for AT&T, which is now HBO's parent company.
• On the Chlamydia in Norway issue:
  • John is shocked that there are ads calling Norway as the land of Chlamydia to advertise selling condoms at 7-Eleven, calling it the second most shameless signage-based Chlamydia publicity stunt he's ever seen, the first one being his koala ward.
  • Another commercial for sex-education in Norway involves a man in a penis costume sneaking up to unsuspecting people, shooting confetti out of the penis head, and screaming. John has three main problems with the commercial. First, the screaming from the penis. Second, the tagline for the commercial translates to "Penis can surprise you", which sounds like a pick-up line from a Russian at an airport bar. And third, the fact that the penis bends at a right angle to shoot the confetti. And if someone's penis does look like that, John suggests sending video proof to Jeff Sessions's email address. And after he gets done with that, the penis sneaks up on John.
• On his episode on Mexican Elections:
  • John starts off the segment explaining how most Americans know nothing about the Mexican government, including Enrique Peña Nieto, so much so that the picture John is showing isn't Enrique Peña Nieto, it's the result of searching 'Mexican Man' on a stock image website.
  • John tells us how one of the candidates hates Santa Claus to the point where he supposedly tells his kids every day that Santa isn't real. Guess who decides to pay John a surprise visit? (Actually, it was Bobby Moynihan, but he's treated like he's actually Santa.) After proving his existence, John asks how Santa spends his time when it's not Christmas. He masturbates. All the time. Until his magic sack is empty and it resembles a candy cane.
    John: Never meet your heroes.
  • John describing another candidate as “if Pitbull went to grad school”.
  • Current frontrunner Andrés Manuel Lopéz Obrador had previously ran in the last two elections, and the first time he lost, he held an “alternative inauguration” where he declared himself the “legitimate” president of Mexico, leading to his supporters occupying Mexico City’s central square for months, which John finds ridiculous:
    John: When Al Gore lost the 2000 election, he didn’t hold a fake inauguration, he just told us we were all gonna die and it was our fault! It was just called basic good sportsmanship!
  • His response to the mayor of Piedras Negras refusing to hide from the cartels even after they murdered a congressional candidate in the same region running against them:
    John: That is just amazing! And, for the record, I am not that brave! I am not that brave at all! Sure, I'll shit-talk the drug cartels from the safety of New York - this, for instance, is the actual head of the Sinaloa Cartel, and I'll happily say that he looks like Andy Garcia won a pizza-eating contest, 'cause, fuck that guy! Fuck him! I'm not scared of him! But I wouldn't have the courage to say that in Mexico, and I wouldn't even have the courage to say it here! That's not the head of the Sinaloa Cartel! That's another stock photo! Do you think I'm fucking crazy!? Do you think I'm insane!? I'm a coward!
• In the episode about Prosecutors
  • John notes that "Prosecutors will decide" is a three-word phrase used so often, the meaning has been lost.
    John: Like "User Agreement Update" or "Some Restrictions Apply" or "Tyler Perry Presents". At this point, I'm just gonna assume he presents everything. It's safer that way. I technically think he presents this show. I wouldn't be completely surprised about that.
  • One prosecutor had a little electric chair on his desk with five people. All of were released from Death Row.
    John: Yep. The thing he kept as a token of his success is now a monument to poor decision making. It is the prosecutorial equivalent of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Oscar. (Audience groans) And look, if you want to see-Why did that joke upset you more than anything else tonight!? You have got to be consistent! You've got to be! You might care about Cuba, you care about him too much in this context!
• In the episode about Trade, John theorizes that both the tepid relationship between Donald Trump and his wife Melania as well an aluminum factory worker's appreciation towards Trump are due to a "Freaky Friday" Flip between Melania and the worker.
• In the episode about Facebook in Myanmar, at long last, the show brings back the "Country you think about so little" Running Gag. This time it's not Myanmar, but Mikhail Gorbachev's famous forehead birthmark.
• In the episode about Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court nomination:
  • Before diving into the bleaker, more serious segment of Christine Blasey Ford's testimony, John briefly opens up the episode with a jab at the Philadelphia Flyers' new (and rather demonic looking) mascot.
    John: Gritty looks like the end result of the orange McDonald's Fry Guy hooking up with Grimace. And we've been over this a million times before on this show, if you're a McDonald's mascot you do not have sex with another McDonald's mascot. Genetics are too similar and their kids turn out very, very weird.
  • Gritty then comes back in the end as the stand-in for Kavanaugh in the Supreme Court of Dogs (symbolizing how John considers Kavanaugh going to the bench an even bigger aberration than Neil Gorsuch, who's represented by a lobster), complete with him crazily dancing at his desk and chugging down a can of beer.
  • Brett Kavanaugh getting annoyed for being accused of "fights on boats in Rhode Island" leads John to conclude it is fitting, after all:
    John: "I mean, come on?! Do I seem like exactly the type of person who might be in a fight on a boat in Rhode Island?! Seriously! You tell me! When you picture a fight on a boat in Rhode Island, do you picture two of me yelling at each other? Exactly at this volume?… I would like to see you say that to my face on a boat in Rhode Island!"
  • John's constant takedowns at what seems to make Kavanaugh teary-eyed. Specially when the list with women leads to a dramatic reading of "Mambo No. 5".
• In the episode about the 2018 Brazilian presidential elections:
  • Before diving into frontrunner Jair Bolsonaro's horrific racism, misogyny, homophobia, and general sociopathy, John rants about Bolsonaro's frequent use of finger guns.
    John: He does it All. The. Fucking. Time! [different pictures of Bolsonaro doing finger guns are shown at every pause]
  • While the rest of the episode is rather bleak, Bolsonaro flirting with Elliot Page during their interview is funny in a Crosses the Line Twice way. John in particular expresses amazement at how Bolsonaro managed to confuse Page, stating that should be impossible for someone who starred in Inception.
• John describes Rick Scott as "auditioning for the role of 'Happy Pencil' in all my nightmares."
• In the episode about Authoritarianism:
  • John snarking that Russia's musicals sound awful without gay people.
  • John's parody of Duterte's Christmas ad, complete with a fake hashtag (#DisplinaOliver).
• The final "And Now This" segment of the season has the narrator cut off what he's doing in order to go into a rant about how he's overqualified for his job.
• To close out the season, John provides Call Backs to both the presidential wax figures he bought last year (and the movie he made starring the Harding one) and his buying of Russell Crowe's jockstrap from Cinderella Man to provide publicity for the remaining Blockbusters in Alaska. Specifically, he creates an action movie trailer starring the wax presidents as a heist crew out to steal the jockstrap. Joining them is Armie Hammer.
  • When the presidents are being introduced with criminal nicknames and a list of their skills (and of course Warren "G-Dog" Harding is the leader):
    • Richard Nixon (aka "Tricky Dick") as the explosives expert.
    • Jimmy Carter (aka "Jimmy C-Note") as the group's mechanic
    • William Henry Harrison (aka "Willy Pneumonia") as "a sick man with a sick rap sheet"
    • Bill Clinton (aka "Billy Wheels") just falls over, and Armie Hammer openly wonders what his purpose in the group is.
  • The criminal mastermind the crew is going up against? Russell Crowe himself.
• In the December 2018 Brexit update, Gilbert Gottfried makes a return, reading off articles from Theresa May's Brexit agreement, which, after several obvious jabs at the handling of Brexit, he finally stops him and has him read a Bigfoot erotica, ending off with a threat to have him read chapter 2.
• In the episode about Gene Editing:
  • After a news clip talking about experimental gene therapy causing rapid recovery to an infant with leukemia, where her father calls it a miracle:
    John: That's fantastic! And he's right, it is a miracle! Except when you think about it, it's actually not, it's science. Which I would argue is actually better and more convenient than a miracle, because you don't have to spend the next two thousand years worshiping the scientist. You can just be like, thanks!