Really hard to pick, since pretty much every other line is guaranteed to make you pee yourself.
- One contender is the scene where Harry, Perry and Harmony convene at a revolting Hollywood Christmas party; Harmony's working there, Harry's high on demerol after surgery, and Perry is late, leading to this exchange:
Harry: What is it out here with these women?
Harmony: Oh please, Harry, they're no different from anywhere else.
Harry: Yes, they are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back. I'm telling you, you take a guy who sleeps with 100 women a year, go into his childhood - dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular. Now, you take one of these... gals, who sleeps with 100 guys a year, and I
bet you if you look in their childhood, there's something rotten in Denver.
Harmony: Denmark.
Harry: That too! But it's abandonment, it's abuse, it's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa!"... and then they all come out here! I mean, it's literally like someone took America by the East Coast and
shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.
Harmony: OK, everyone who hates Harry raise your hand!
[All the women in the club raise their hands]
Perry [entering]: See that? Obedient little bitches too.
[A girl offscreen shouts "Fuck you!" and hurls her drink at his head;
he ducks smoothly and keeps walking.]
- Harry being interrogated by two hitmen who can't agree on their names.
Mr. Frying Pan: Well now, here we all are. Ike, Mike and Mustard.
Harry: What the hell does that mean?
Mr Mustard: You know, I'm with him on this one, man. That's pretty fuckin' obscure.
Mr Frying Pan: Horseshit, I hear that all the time.
Mr Mustard: You do?
Mr Frying Pan: Yeah, sure.
Mr Mustard: Where, at the 1942 club?
Mr Frying Pan: Hey, just cause you didn't get in...
Mr Mustard: Motherfucker I could've gotten in- (notices Harry making a break for it) HEY! Slow your roll, man!
Harry: This is bullshit! What are you gonna do, take me out here? There's security OW!
Mr Mustard: Keep talking. Keep talking.
Mr Frying Pan: You wanna know who we are? I'm the frying pan, see? And my boy over here, he's-
Mr Mustard: Mustard. (Smiling gleefully) I'm Mustard, baby.
Mr Frying Pan: He's the fire. Fuck you, Mr. Mustard.
- The many instances of Perry vocalizing his disdain for Harry, such as:
Perry: Look up "idiot" in the dictionary, you know what you'll find?
Harry: ...a picture of me?
Perry: No! The definition of the word "idiot", which you fucking are!
- ...or:
Harry: Okay, okay, I got it. You think I'm stupid?
Perry: I think you wouldn't know where to feed yourself if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes, I think you're stupid.
- The Pocket Protector subversion.
- "Captain fuckin' Magic!" Also doubles as Harry's Moment of Awesome.
- When Perry pretends there's a clue on the suitcase at the lake, tricks Harry into coming closer, and then bashes him on the head with it as punishment for tossing his pistol in the lake. He did it so smoothly that it's hysterical.
- Every joke Gay Perry cracks is gold. Probably the funniest is when Harry asks him if he's still gay and Perry deadpans "Me? No. I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it."
- After turning the tables on the goon who holds a gun on them, Perry threatens him:
Perry: I want you to picture a bullet inside your head. Can you do that for me?
Goon: Fuck you. Anyway, that's ambiguous.
Perry: Ambiguous? I don't think so.
Harry: No, I think it means when you say, "Picture it inside your head", is that "a bullet will be inside your head" or "picture it in your head", like an image?
- Harry calls Perry when he finds the body of the dead girl in his shower:
Harry: I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, an ID from that?
Perry: I'm sorry, you peed on...?
Harry: On the corpse. My question is...
Perry: No, my question. I get to go first. Why in pluperfect
hell would you pee on the corpse?
Harry: It's not like
I did it for kicks. - Harmony gives Harry a lesson in basic grammar...
Harry: Umm, clearly I'm interrupting. I feel badly. Let me... What are you drinking?
Harmony: Bad.
Harry: Bad? Sorry... feel...?
Harmony: You feel bad.
Harry: Bad?
Harmony: Badly is an adverb. So to say you feel badly would be saying that the mechanism which allows you to feel is broken.
- (Shortly followed by...)
Perry: Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call.
Harry: Bad.
Perry: Excuse me?
Harry: Sleep bad. Otherwise it makes it seem like the mechanism that allows you to sleep...
Perry: What, fuckhead? Who taught you grammar? Badly's an adverb. Get out. Vanish.
- Early on, Harry comes across Harmony about to be molested by someone and challenges Harmony's molester date to a fight ("It's past my bedtime. Make a choice."). Cut to Harry losing the fight and being pummelled like a high school kid.
- The scene where Harry tries to interrogate a guy with Russian Roulette and immediately shoots him.
Harry: Well yeah, there was like an 8% chance.
Perry: Eight? Who taught you math?
- In that same scene, Perry yells at Harry: "You, stop multiplying!"
- Perry kissing Harry to distract passing guards. Which also leads to Harry's disgusted comeback ("These lessons suck. I quit. This is not being a detective. Corpses floating in lakes, people kissing people. This is wrong. This is every shade of wrong.") and the fact he somehow convinced Harmony he was not gay after she witnessed the smooch.
- Just before Harmony turns up after Harry thinks she committed suicide, Harry and his niece Chloe have this conversation about Christmas gifts on the phone:
Chloe: I got the Cyber Agent!
Harry: You got the Cyber Agent, that's great.
Chloe: It has all the cool weapons.
Harry: You got Protocop coming too. It's gonna be worth more too because I think he's, like, paralyzed now.note The actor who Harmony had startled into falling off her balcony was dressed in a Protocop costume.
- Harry and Perry struggle to carry the dead girl's body from the seventh floor towards the garage—and then they just wordlessly agree to toss the corpse off the roof to save time.
- The shot of a dumpster makes you think that the body is going to land in it but it actually hits the edge (yeowch) and bounces off to the pavement.
- When Gay Perry shoots the mook with a gun in his crotch.
Perry: Homophobes never check there.
Harry: Thank God you had a gun in there. For a second I thought it was like a gay thing, like somehow you guys could do that.
- When Harry is listening to Harmony's story and pretending to take diligent notes...but really he's just doodling a cat, captioned with "¡Gato!".
- Harry wakes up next to a woman, turns around expecting to be Harmony... and it's actually her friend who was angry at Harry the night before. She comes towards him with a smile on his face, but Harry jumps out of bed.
- Punk-rock Steven Seagal.
- Native American Joe Pesci.
- Perry's Literal-Minded chat where he runs rings around Harry.
Harry: I got 5 bucks says you could still get him.
Perry: Really? That's funny, I got a 10 that says "pass the pepper", I got two quarters singing harmony on Moonlight in Vermont.
Harry: What?!
Perry: Talking money.
Harry: A talking monkey?
Perry: A talking monkey, yeah. Came here from the future. Ugly sucker. Only says "Ficus".
Harry: ...
- "I prefer Genaros! But then, what do I know? I'm a bear! I suck the heads off of fish!"
- Major Mood Whiplash moment, but when Perry tells Harry the truth about his "acting career" and offers to let Harry punch him, Harry actually does. You can tell by the look on Perry's face that he didn't see it coming.
- Harry says that Harmony slept with everyone in their city, other than his friend Chook Chutney (Perry: "Chook Chutney? Yeah, he's gay"). Then, when Harmony is willing to sleep with Harry, she decides to confess something to him first: she did sleep with Chook. Cue an angry Harry kicking her out of his apartment.
- Perry's ringtone is "I Will Survive". And whenever it rings is hilarious, even if the third is during the movie's Darkest Hour.
- When Perry joins Harry in Breaking the Fourth Wall to bid farewell to the viewers:
Perry: Thanks for coming, please stay for the end credits, if you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew, um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said fuck so much.
- Even better, in the credits, the best boy is Jack Bauer.
- The outtakes in their entirety. If you thought the movie was funny, just watch these guys when they screw up.
