Funny / Junie B. Jones

• From Junie B. Jones and The Stupid Smelly Bus, Junie B. shows her trademark compassion.
  Just then another mother and a boy came in...The boy was hiding behind his mother and acting very babyish. I can beat that boy up, I think.
  • Furthermore, Junie B. refers to him as "the boy I can beat up" for the rest of the book.
• Junie B.'s take on role models for girls.
  "Girls can be anything boys can be. 'Cause I saw that on Sesame Street. And also on Oprah."
  • Also counts as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
• Junie B. Jones and Some Sneaky Peeky Spying:
  • Junie B is hiding in the clothes hamper to spy on her grandfather.
    Then, wowie wow wow!
    Grandpa Miller took his teeth right out of his entire head!
    I springed up. "Hey, grandpa, how'd you do that crazy thing?"
    He screamed and ran out of the room. Grandpa Miller has high blood pressure, I think.
  • Junie B. interacting with other kids' parents:
    "Another grandma came in.
    And she runned over to that Jim I hate.
    And she tried to hug him very tight.
    Only that mean Jim just kept on standing there.
    And he didn't even hug her back.
    I tapped on her. "I will hug you," I said. And so then me and her hugged real tight.
    "I hate your grandboy," I said very sweet.
• The Yucky Blucky Fruitcake:
  • The beginning of the book:
    Afternoon kindergarten is better than morning kindergarten. That's because you get to sleep late. And watch cartoons.
    Only guess what? Today my baby brother named Ollie waked me up very too early. He was screaming for his bottle. But screaming is not polite. And so he needed some discipline, I think.
    I sat up in my bed. "HEY! SHUT UP YOUR FACE!" I hollered.
    Mother opened my door speedy quick. Her eyes were angry at me. "Junie B. Jones! What do you think you're doing?" she growled.
    I hided from her under my sheet. "I think I'm doing discipline," I said kind of quiet.
  • There is something utterly hilarious about an exasperated, clown-hating Junie B. yelling, "Back off, clown!"
  • Also, the whole fruitcake situation in general. Junie B.'s mother's and father's reactions once they realize that Junie B. has picked out a fruitcake, and Junie B.'s reaction once she finds out the truth about fruitcakes.
• From That Meanie Jim's Birthday:
  "Let's read a book, okay? What kind of story would you like to hear?"
  I thought and thought.
  "I would like to hear a story about a little girl who doesn't get invited to a meanie boy's birthday. And so she sneaks to his house. And she lets a wild pony out of the barn. And then it stomples the boy into a flattie pancake. And all the children pour maple syrup on that guy. And they eat him for breakfast."
  Grandma Miller looked kind of sickish.
• Junie B.'s thing about ponies, as explained by this passage from Junie B. Jones Has a Peep in Her Pocket:
  "Ponies stomple you into the ground and kill you to death."
  Mother rolled her eyes up at the ceiling. "Please, Junie B., not this pony thing again. I have told you a million times, ponies do not hurt you."
  "Yes they do, Mother, yes they do!" I hollered. "I saw it on TV with my very own eyeballs!"
  Mother looked at Daddy. "It was that stupid cable show the babysitter let her watch," she said. "It was called - "
  "When Ponies Attack!" I hollered. "It was called When Ponies Attack!"
  After that, Daddy covered his face. Then, all of a sudden, he busted out in a loud hoot of laughing. And he couldn't even stop himself.
  Mother's cheeks sucked way into her head. "Thank you. You're being a huge help here."
• This, from Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy, as our heroine tries to prepare for Pet Day:
  "I have to catch a raccoon for Pet Day. Grandma Miller even said I could. And she is the boss of you."
  Just then, a miracle happened!
  And it is called, ''my Grandma Helen Miller walked right in the front door!"
  Mother looked up.
  "Oh, look," she grouched. "It's the boss of me."
• In Junie B. Jones Loves Handsome Warren, Lucille tries flirting with Warren by twirling around in her dress. Later, after Grace and Lucille get irritated with his unusually sad, angry demeanor one morning and Junie B. gets him to cheer up with some Knock Knock Jokes, Warren reciprocates with a traditional rhyme...
  "I see London, I see France, I see Lucille's underpants!"
• The ending to the school's Columbus Day play.
• Junie B.'s definition of lip-reading in Essential Survival Guide to School — "I learned to read without moving my lips. This is called lip-reading, I believe."
• Junie B's opinion of "small talk" — "I sat in a chair next to Mrs. Weller's desk. She asked me lots of questions. First, she asked me how I liked my summer vacation. Then she asked me how I liked first grade. And I how liked Mr. Scary. That is called stall talk, I believe."

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