- The attempt at playing "The Upstairs Downton Forsyte Abbey Saga" which degenerated into a mass of sound effects being played on top of each other.
- This round of Close Quotes
, featuring the deathless words of George W. Bush, is hysterical not for the answers they give (which are pretty good), but for W's quotes, which are more bizarre than anything they could come up with and which stymie the panelists. - For similar reasons, the rounds of "Complete Childrens' Jokes" always go well:
Child's voice: What's green and hangs off trees?
Tim: An unripe elephant?
Child's voice: Giraffe!
[A pause, followed by baffled laughter from the audience and panel]
Tim: I was close!
- Ebenezer Scrumph shooting down the Snowman in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Christmas Carol.
- In episode 4 of series 54, the panelists stage a drama series with sound effects, which is as off-the-wall as they can make it. Eventually, though, it degenerates into a fight between Ross Noble's and Graeme Garden's characters ... during which Graeme has a gun and Ross has his fists.
Ross Noble: I don't think this is a fair fight!
- "The Quiz of Quizzes" (Series 36, Episode 6), an intentionally absurd mash-up of assorted quiz formats.
Barry: Can I go 50-50?
Humph: Very well. Computer, take away one wrong answer and one right answer.
- Marcus Brigstocke's Pick-up Song, accompanying Shaggy's "Boombastic".
- And Jack Dee's comment afterwards:
Jack: Of course, what listeners at home missed out on was Barry spinning on his head.
- Earlier in the same round, Tim has to sing along to Rebecca Black's "Friday". Amazingly, he actually manages it, though not without difficulty.
Jack: I was worried for Tim for a second there.
Tim: You were worried?!
Jack: Alright, Barry, you're-
Barry: I'm not following that!
- From a round of "Last Sentence", when Barry was given Cell Block H. His submission was okay, but his reaction to the audience's reaction was lovely.
Barry: Who left that bleedin' door open?
(slight audience laughter)
Barry: ...Hah hah...
they all escaped! That would end the series...it's a good round, this.
- From the same episode, Tim and Willie get into a discussion amongst themselves at the end of a round.
Humph: Do you mind? ...I'm trying to introduce the next round.
Willie: ...Well, carry on.
Tim: Yes, don't mind us.
Humph: ...Right. So now—
Tim: Anyway, so I said to her—
- A round of Closed Quotes with quotes taken from a 1930's husband's etiquette manual.
Jack Dee: "Don't squeeze the toothpaste from the top instead of from the bottom. This is one of the small things in life that..."
Jeremy: ... shouldn't be in your bottom.
(hysterics all round)
Tim: "And I pay my licence fee for this..."
Jack: "Always remember your wife is like tar. Melt her, and she will..."
Tim: ... get laid by a bunch of workmen.
Jack: "Don't allow yourself to become careless in your conversation, and as far as possible, don't use the clichéd expressions of the moment, such as..."
Graeme: [slowly] ... "Move yo' ass 'fore you get yourself pimp-slapped, bitch."
Jack: Don't omit that when taking your wife out to dinner at a restaurant to mar the occasion by suggesting a...
Barry: ...threesome with the waitress.
- The Pick-up Song where Barry Cryer breaks into giggles due to the other panellists trying to put him off, and when the sound is turned up the record has moved onto the next song.
- How about the Pick-Up Song where Graeme's singing seems well in time, and he manages to get the audience to join in on the chorus...and when the sound is turned up, they find the record has stuck.
- "Girlfriend in a Coma" to the tune of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips". Other great examples of "One Song to the Tune of Another" include...
- "A Whiter Shade of Pale" to the tunes of "My Old Man's A Dustman" or The Muppet Show theme
- Elvis' "Love Me Tender" to the tune of the theme from The Archers
- A round of Uxbridge English Dictionary got us this.
- In a Series 56 episode, the panel had to do scenes with some people replaced by ducks. This leads up to a scene where they all quack "I Am Spartacus"... so Jack had to shoot them all.
- Tim having to sing "Friday" in a round of Pick-up Song.
- In a round of "Word for Word", Barry challenges Tim and Andy (Hamilton), claiming that "Sharabang Sperm" was a Sixties rock group. This isn't the Funny, however — the Funny comes when Graeme intones "Barry remembers their greatest hit!", forcing Barry to improvise a song on the spot. It's...memorable.
- In one round of Pick-Up Song, everyone has a notable moment (Tim singing "I'm A Believer" and getting the audience to join in, Barry singing "Some Enchanted Evening" in the persona of a pub owner), finishing with Jeremy — who sings Joe Cocker's infamous bluegrass version of "With A Little Help From My Friends". Eventually, the other panellists and the audience all join in...and when the record comes back on, he's about half a chorus ahead of the song. The mood-swing is audible and hilarious.
- Later in that episode, as the teams are playing Mornington Crescent, Jeremy somehow finds himself in New York, first playing Times Square, then 42nd Street. After some spirited debate about the legality of the latter move, Tim cracks, "I thought you sang," which leads Jeremy to once again call 42nd Street ... in an impression of Joe Cocker. (The teams then accept the move, and play proceeds.)
- This moment from one of the Live CDs.
Humph: Well, that's almost all we've got time for, but we've got just long enough for a round of Doctor's Songbook. Tim, will you start?
Tim: "Knees Up Mother Brown".
- At which point the house is brought down. After a few moments, this ensues:
Humph: Right, well...that's the end of our...
Graeme: That's the end of our contract.
Tim: I really wanted to do that one, which I think was "Brown Girl In The Ring", which goes "Show me your motion..."
- At which point the house is brought down again.
- The episode just prior to the Millennium recorded at the Royal Greenwich Observatory includes a round in which the teams play the playground game "What's the time, Mr Wolf?"...but instead it becomes "What is Time, Professor Wolff?", in which they ask celebrity scientist Heinz Wolff questions about the nature of time.
- The first time Jeremy Hardy appeared on the show, he stumbled on a word while playing "Cheddar Gorge" and dropped the f-bomb. The teams were more amused than shocked, and this ensued.
Jeremy: I'm sorry I said the fuck-w. I do apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
Willie: Well, he's an alternative, you know. He has to say it every now and again. They get taxed otherwise.
Humph: ...has anybody got the faintest idea what's going on?
Barry: We're playing
Cheddar fucking Gorge, Humph!
- Needless to say, this was cut from the radio broadcast, but it can be heard on the CD of the live episode recording session.
- Also from that episode — the very first time Jeremy's singing was unleashed on an unsuspecting public.
Willie: I smell points there.
- When they Played Santa's Grotto with Stephen Fry, Graeme and Barry had to guess what a child (Stephen) wanted for Christmas by asking questions with Tim as the child's father.
Graeme: Is it very big?
Stephen: (Highpitched nervous voice) No
Graeme: Is it very small?
Tim: (In a similar voice to Stephen) Speak up Stephen.
Stephen: It can be any size really.
Graeme: It can be any size can it? (Beat) Do you want a slap?
- This actually gets funnier if you've seen a QI episode wherein Stephen kept making vague statements about the size of a cavern complex and Phill Jupitus went off on him.
- This moment of Throw It In! from Series 54, Episode 2:
Jack: It's almost time to end the show, but we've just got time for a round of "Tobogganist's Film Club". So, teams, your suggestions, please, of movie titles likely to delight an audience of tobogganists, and other winter sports enthusiasts...
Graeme: Uh, Jack ... that should be "Tobacconist's".
(awkward pause continues, amid audience laughter)
Jack: So, teams, your suggestions, please, of movie titles likely to delight an audience of tobogganists and other winter sports enthusiasts ... who smoke. (defensively) I'm not dyslexic. I've had tests done, and what they found is that I'm actually quite thick.
- Phill Jupitus proceeds to make winter sports-puns while everyone else does smoking puns, commenting throughout that he has no idea what's going on.
- Another occasion when Jack stumbled over his lines:
Barry: Good grief. It's like being present at the birth of speech.
- Letters between Charles Darwin and the Archbishop of Canterbury.. MONKEYS?!
- Any time the chairman tries to subvert the "Points mean prizes" running gag, and the audience play along.
Humph: And points mean prizes...and prizes mean forces open by leverage. What do prizes mean?
Audience: FORCES OPEN BY LEVERAGE!
(sound of panellists losing it)
Humph: I'll be awarding points, and points mean prizes.
I'm Spartacus!Audience: [cheers and laughter]One audience member: I'm Spartacus!
One audience member: I'm Spartacus!
One audience member: Prizes!
- A few times in the older episodes, a radio version of Blind Date was played. Whenever this happened we got to hear Humph's impression of Cilla Black, which involved him throwing the words "chuck" and "lorra fun" in wherever possible.
- A round of "Closed Quotes" gets off-track.
Humph: I have to tell you...a Yorkshireman once came up to me after a gig, and he said "'Umphrey, I'm a blunt man and I'll say what I think". So I said "So am I,
piss off."
Andy Hamilton: (after much laughter) And what did Parkinson say then?
- In one round of "Sound Charades", Tim and Phill Jupitus did a very long sketch with the title "Two Mules For Sister Sarah", revolving around a shoe shop.
Graeme: Is "shoe" in the title?
Tim: Well...
Phill: Sort of.
Graeme: As in the word "shoe"?
Tim and Phill: No.
(beat, then laughter)
Barry: (laughing) You lie!
Tim: It's not The Shoes Of The Fisherman, if that's what you were getting at.
Graeme: ...Damn your eyes! Guards, seize him!
- Also the end of the sketch, where Humph says "I should've mentioned, you only have 30 seconds..."
- There was a round in Series 57 where Jack read the first two lines of a cautionary poem and the players had to finish:
Jack: The infant Mike had dirty genes/he lived on top shelf magazines...
Rob Brydon: Evening, afternoon and morn/Mike would have his fill of porn
"Playboy", "Penthouse", "Rustler", "Knave"/Surely no way to behave
And then one day, the top shelf fell/On Mike, and he went straight to hell
A tragic end to short life/Snuffed out beneath the reader's wife
- Tony Hawks singing along to Gangnam Style in a round of Pick-up Song. The next series went one better by having Tony sing Gangnam Style to the tune of Ode to Joy in the first episode's One Song to the Tune of Another.
- The Sound Charade for "Flog It" where the entire sketch is Graeme saying "What are you going to do with that dead horse?" and Tim and Tony are left completely lost.
Tony [over audience laughter]: Yeah, yeah, funny when you know, isn't it?
Barry: My next line was going to be "I would have thought it was obvious"... obviously not.
Tim: Um...
Tony: That's all you're giving us, is it?
Barry: That's all we're giving you.
Tony: Dead horse...
Tim: Dead horse. Right...
Tony: Ex-something?
Graeme: Remember the question, "what are you going to do with that dead horse?"
Tim: We're going to... bury it.
Graeme: What do you do with a dead horse?
Tim: Burn it?
Tony: Take it to the tip? Is there a show called "Take It to the Tip"?
Tim: Oh... shooting! Shoot... shot... no...
Shooting Stars? Well, you'd shoot it...
Graeme: What is there no point in doing to a dead horse?
Tony: Flogging it?
[MASSIVE audience cheer]
Barry: But what is the title?
Tim/Tony: Flog It!
[Another cheer]
- For that matter, any time they do an incredibly brief clue sketch for "Sound Charades". Another good one is Dirty Harry:
Tim (as Alan Rickman): Potter...
Sandi (as Daniel Radcliffe): Yes, sir?
Tim (as Alan Rickman): Don't do that.
- Or this one for Brokeback Mountain:
Jeremy Hardy: Hey, which of you fat bastards did this to my camel?!
- The sound charade for Skyfall where Jeremy Hardy gets it before the charade has started. They do the charade anyway.
Jeremy: Honestly, when this is edited you won't recognize it because it's Gardener's Question Time.
- Better yet, when they do a second round, Jeremy's guess before the charade? "Bargain Hunt!" (It was actually QI.)
- This glorious piece of Black Comedy from the intro to the "Inventions" round (referencing the coverup over the Hillsborough disaster):
Jack: This round is a tribute to those that work tirelessly inventing things, such as the South Yorkshire Police.
- Any time the players are given a theme for a game and proceed to ignore it and invent their own. For example, the time they were given first lines of limericks to do with singing different types of church songs but made all the limericks about members of the then-current and scandal-prone Conservative government. The best one is probably:
In the middle of singing a carol,
Geoffrey Howe said "Your turn in the barrel!"
"That's a bit of a bummer,"
Said John Selwyn Gummer,
As Cecil whipped off his apparel.
- The panel adds "in my pants" to a variety of films and shows. Hilarity Ensues.
- This bit from a "Closed Lines" round:
- Series 58 Episode 1 has "My Favourite Things" set to the Funeral March, as well as "Thriller" set to "The Liberty Bell".
- From episode 1 of series 61:
- The "Letter Writing" round had all of the panelists corpsing throughout the whole thing.
- Susan Calman's entry for "One Song to the Tune of Another": Mousse T.'s "Horny" to the tune of "Leaning on a Lamp-post".
- One round of "Closed Quotes" had Cliff Richard as the subject, producing such gems as:
Humph: "I never usually eat before the show, because..."
Graeme: ... at my age wind can be a problem.
- And:
Humph: "I'm sixty-one now, and I've been known as the 'Peter Pan of Pop' for so long, I feel a great pressure to..."
Barry: ... put on some green tights and fly out the window.
- One of the things that made this round funny was Humph's initial refusal to read out the correct answers because they were "so bloody boring". He starts reading out the correct answers towards the end of the round, which prompts Tim and Barry to say this:
Barry: I was slapping my thighs!
Tim: So that's what it was.
Barry: And smacking my lips!
- "Stars in Their Ears", in which the teams had to sing songs in the style of famous people. The highlight? Graeme singing "Wannabe" in the style of John Prescott.
Graeme: If you want my future, people just have to forget my past
And if you want to get with me and Tony Blair's government then better make it fast
Now don't you go wasting, don't you go wasting my precious time like the Tories did
Get your act together, we could be just fine if you listen to my demands.
- Barry's occasional habit of saying "Wish I was dead" to convey his embarrassment if a joke falls flat or if he has to explain it.
- "Sausages", a one-off round in which the teams ask Jack any question they like, but the answer is always "Sausages" no matter what the question is, the point being that Jack has to keep a straight face the whole time. Questions include "What are you wearing to the BAFTAs?", "What do these remind you of?" and "Complete the song title: All You Need Is...?".
- One round has the teams compose a madrigal, with the team members taking turns to add one line each. They are given the subject of President Clinton and the result (spoilered so it doesn't give away the joke) goes like this:
As I walked out one May morning, all in the White House grounds
From out the oval office I head such curious sounds
I peeped in through the window and saw Bill standing on a bucket
I said "What are you doing?" He said "I'm trying to
see Nantucket."
The President then asked me "Have you seen my White House staff?"
I misconstrued his meaning and I gave a nervous laugh
Then up there popped a fine young lass, he said "This is my lodger."
I said "What is that in her mouth?" He said "A jammie dodger."
- In Series 45 pianist Denis King is filling in for Colin Sell. Tim is singing 'Roxanne' to the tune of the theme from 'Black Beauty'. Straying from the accompaniment, Tim asks 'Do you know this song, Denis?' Hilarious because, as Tim and the audience are well aware, Denis composed it.
- "Innovations" had the teams coming up with new products for an innovations catalogue. Products included a solar-powered Swiss Army toothpick ("Eight picks for all size of gap!"), a combined Kalashnikov and funnel for opening milk cartons, and a Russian roulette cigarette lighter and nasal hair remover ("Live dangerously!").
- The opening episode of Series 65 had Rory Bremner singing "Single Ladies" by Beyoncé to the theme to Dad's Army.
- The first game of Series 66, Episode 3 was to think of phrases that would evoke a Wilhem Scream.
Susan Calman: I've dropped some chocolate on my cream trousers and it's 9 AM! That really happened to me, it was very distressing.
Richard Osman: Barry, it's your round.
- Graeme, for "One Song to the Tune of Another", singing "I'm a Little Teapot" to the tune of Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind", complete with Dylan imitation, and finishing off with a harmonica. And the crowner is Jack Dee's utterly deadpan "no-one likes a smartarse" afterward.
- Tim having to sing along to the Bee Gees' "Night Fever". He definitely makes a go of imitating the group's falsetto singing, but...
- Tim and John Finnemore having to act out the medical condition of thinking they're beers. Right from the start, it gets bizarre, and it stays there.
John: I have this terrible lifestyle. I spend all my time in bars, waiting around for people to pick me up.
- Barry and Miles Jupp having a bizarre Musical Conversation (with Barry singing "I Hear You Knockin'").
Barry: You went away and left me a long time ago...
Miles: Yeah, yeah, we called last week.
Barry: And now you're knockin' on my door...
Barry: I hear you knockin', but you can't come in...
Miles: Can we just leave you with a copy of The Watch Tower? (audience laughter) Hello?
Barry: I hear you knockin', go back where you've been...
Miles: There is no need to take that attitude, Mr. Cryer! I would remind you the last time we visited, you actually begged us not to go!
Barry: I begged you not to go, but you said goodbye...
Barry: And now you're telling me all your lies...
Miles: There are no lies when you have true faith, Mr. Cryer.
Barry: I hear you knockin', but you can't come in
I hear you knockin', go back where you've been...
Miles: Only kidding, Mr. Cryer, it's the delivery from the off-licence!
- From series 67, episode 1 and its One Song to the Tune of Another:
- From series 67 episode 2, there's Pick Up Song:
- Later on in the same episode, there's new, EU-regulation free Mornington Crescent - now with electricity. Poor Tim gets zapped every time he says anything. Then Tony gets zapped, and makes the mistake of saying it doesn't feel as bad as he was expecting...
- From series 68 episode 2:
- Tim trying to sing along to Jessie J's "Price Tag". Complete with attempt a falsetto.
- Tony Hawks gets "Macarena". He manages to stay in time. Then, after he's done...
Jack: Tony Hawks, giving us his usual half-arsed approach...
- John Finnemore gets Johnny Cash's cover of Geoff Mack's "I've Been Everywhere"... and where Cash replaces the Australian place names with American names, John replaces them with a rapidfire list of Dorset place names (the episode having been recorded in his boyhood hometown of Poole).
John: [with recording] I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man [the recording is turned down]
I've breathed the mountain air, man
Trouble, I've had my share, man
I've been everywhere
I've been to Ferndown, Moordown, Pokesdown, Hamworthy
Parkstone, Broadstone, Boscombe, Alderney
Creekmoor, Rossmore, West Moors, Wallisdown
Burwood, Bere Wood, Ringwood, Littledown
Winton, Kinson, Upton, Branksome Park
Poole Park, Bater Park, Tower Park (not after dark)
I've been everywhere
I've been to Canford, Sandford, Lulworth Forum, Blandford Forum
Christchurch, Whitechurch, Whitchurch Canonicorum
Lyme Regis, Bere Regis, Melcombe Regis, Castletown
Tolpuddle, Affpuddle, Piddlehinton, Puddletown
Tarrant Hinton, Tarrant Monkton, Tarrant Rushton, Sherborne
Westbourne, Wimborne, every single Winterborne
I've been everywhere, man... [recording comes back up]
- "Sound Charades" gets brutal when Tony and Barry are asked to do I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Tony gives exactly one hint.
Tony: Oh! Look at this! A summary of Theresa May's views on Brexit!
Tim: Is that it?
Barry: Yes.
John Finnemore: I think it must be I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again.
(mix of boos and laughs from audience)
- Series 70, episode 5's got a few:
- For One Song to The Tune of Another, Susan Calman is asked to sing "Sisters are Doing it For Themselves" to the tune of "Ruler of the Queen's Navy" from H.M.S. Pinafore. Tim, Rob Brydon and Richard Osman provide the chorus.
- Rob has to sing the lyrics of "Spider-Man" to "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables. He does astoundingly well. And then...
(after a very long, enthusiastic ovation from the audience, with several calls for an encore)
Jack: Bloody show-off. ... did I say that out loud?
- Word for Word doesn't go very well. Richard keeps interrupting nearly every time with a ludicrous claim. Then Susan buzzes in with an anecdote about tinfoil underpants foiling security alarms, and how she knows this from personal experience... which, apparently, she knocked up from some she found in a skip.
Richard: Sometimes, I forget how Scottish you are...
- For medical conditions, Rob and Richard have to claim they're IKEA furniture. Innuendo abounds.
- The smuggling game. When it's Tim and Susan against Rob and Richard, they must make the noises of the animals they think Rob and Richard are smuggling. Susan's animal noises especially are... uh, interesting. Meanwhile, when it's Rob and Richard's turn, they get to show off their celebrity impressions. Until Rob flubs doing Alec Guiness and winds up at Roger Moore instead.
- Series 21, Willie Rushton objects to Graeme Garden's use of the rude word "sparrow's fart" in "Pick-Up Song." Barry suggests he is thinking of tit, to which Willie wistfully agrees. As soon as Humph lets Willie take over, Graeme objects to the use of another rude word: Willie.
- From series 71, episode 3:
- During the round of bands with terrible titles, Harry Hill suggests "Wet Wet Wet... Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet... Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet." ("*buzz* repetition")
- For One Song to the Tune of Another, Miles Jupp sings "Creep" to "New York, New York".
- Series 71, episode 4:
- In Pick-up Song, Tim has to sing along to Meatloaf's "Anything for Love". It gets off to a good start when he can't keep in time with the recording at the very beginning... and it continues on from there.
- Reading out internet reviews without knowing what they're of gets us this:
Jack: "At least it allows you to avoid visiting Birmingham."
Harry Hill: Death?
Answer: The Coventry IKEA.
- In a 2005 episode, they did a round spoofing Hell's Kitchen, which Humph noted would require him to assume the role of Angus Deayton — "so whilst two prostitutes and a kilo of cocaine are delivered to my dressing room..."
- Series 72, episode 2 has the return of the censored songs, giving us Tim singing "I Do Like to [BUZZ] Beside the Seaside" and Pippa Evans and Miles Jupp singing Sonny & Cher's "I [BUZZ] You, Babe".
- Series 72, episode 6: The Sat-Nav returns. Though sadly, due to Jeremy Hardy's absence, it no longer flirts with anyone.
Sat-Nav: (after Sandi makes a move in Mornington Crescent) Recalculating... Sandi, you earn half as much as Colin Sell. - The round of Pick-up Song from the 2007 clip show, where Jack Dee has to accompany Barney the Dinosaur.
Jack [impersonating Barney]: If you're happy and you know it, shout hooray... [the audience shouts "Hooray!"] If you're happy and you know it, take some drugs...
- The Swanee-Kazoo rendition of "Also sprach Zarathustra".
- The round of "Pick Up Song" from series 39, episode 4:
- Tim is asked to sing along to Dusty Springfield's "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me". It begins with the grand opening, and then the music immediately cuts out before getting to the actual lyrics. Tim still gamely tries singing along anyway, but after the first verse stops momentarily to mutter "bastards".
- Graeme gets Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A'Changing". He brings out the harmonica to accompany it.
- Jeremy is told by Humphrey that he (Humphrey) is contractually obligated to tell him he must accompany Sting and the Police's "Roxanne". Poor Jeremy.
- The opening to one episode's Mornington Crescent has the letter from a Mrs. Trellis, the single response to the Mornington Crescent survey. Instead of marking the choices of "excellent", "good", or "merely well above average", it seems Mrs. Trellis has managed to mark down "neither good nor bad", as well as "poor". And "buttock clenchingly awful". And "words can't even begin to describe how awful". Mainly because she has sent the Clue team a response to the Virgin Rail survey instead.
- Humph's introductions to Sound Charades that featured a Double Entendre at the expense of Lionel Blair were almost all brilliant, but the best was undoubtedly this from 2002:
"...how the tears of frustration welled up in his eyes during their Italian tour at not being allowed the use of his mouth to finish off
Two Gentlemen of Verona."
[The audience collapses into hysterics, as does guest panelist Sandi Toksvig, who is immobilised with laughter for a whole minute afterwards, repeatedly setting off the audience again]
- A later episode with Sandi sees this nearly happen again:
Humph: "...none of us will ever forget the look of gleeful anticipation in his eyes when he was offered
Howards End across Michael..."
[Everyone, himself included, cracks up, with Sandi particularly helpless]
Barry: Toksvig's gone!
Sandi: (recovering) Oh! Don't, 'cause I'll have to wee again!
Humph: "...across Michael Aspel's desk."
- Another highly memorable Lionel Blair joke:
Humph: "...no-one will ever forget the time he was given
A Town Like Alice, when he chose to do a silent impression of the author. Such was the performance,
Una Stubbs gasped in amazement when she saw
Nevil Shute in Lionel's face."
[The audience gasps in shock for a moment, before dissolving in hysterical laughter]
- The return of the Sat-Nav for the Welsh edition of Mornington Crescent, Morganton Crescent, which also comes with a Welsh Sat-Nav, which gets into a fight with the Sat-Nav over pronunciations, much to the Sat-Nav's upset.
Satnav: (having just heard the Welsh satnat) Is she Eastern European?Welsh Satnav: Welsh. Shut it. Welsh Satnav: It's a road sign. It says "keep left.
Satnav: Whatever it is, it appears to be missing a vowel.
Welsh Satnav: (long string of Welsh, which the Welsh audience laughs at) Which translates to: "So help me, I will kick your ass from here to Aberystwyth.
Satnav: Jack, are you going to let her speak to me like that?
Jack Dee: Graeme...
Satnav: Did last night mean nothing to you?
- "Not that way. That way is England."
- "Turn left into Cardigan, or you won't feel the benefit."
- "You have a leak in your radiator. Add some potatoes and make soup."
- "Oh, look. Sheep."
- "Turn right at the... wow. Wales has got a cinema."
- In the same episode, it begins with Jack getting scolded by Rob Brydon for mispronouncing the name of the river Towy ("you come here with your fancy London ways and your media spectacles..."). Then, as Rob tries correcting him, one of the audience tries to correct Rob, who shoots back "don't be pedantic!"
- In the middle of the show, there's this:
Jack: Rob Brydon, actor, comedian, author, voice-over artist. You thought you were returning to your family home in Swansea to take part in a light-hearted Radio 4 panel game. (This is Your Life theme plays) ... and you were quite right, you were.
- Another shot at the typical Radio 4 audience, when Jack explains a game that's been playing for forty years of the show:
Jack: For those of you who weren't born forty years ago... this is Radio 4. You tuned in by mistake.
- Rory Bremner, for One Song to the Tune of Another, having to sing "Imagine" to the tune of the Muppet Show theme. That's not the funny part. The funny part is a few seconds in when Rory starts doing a Kermit imitation... and still manages to sing the song.
- Before that, Barry must sing "My Ding-A-Ling"... to the tune of "Climb Every Mountain". He manages to do so, without corpsing despite the lyrics. Then, afterwards:
Jack: Moving! ... can someone check Barry is still moving?
- Jeremy is asked to sing. Jack feels the need to preempt the audience.
Jack: Jeremy, I'd like you to - naw, naw, (as the audience starts laughing) the Beatles let Ringo sing sometimes, and we're going to let Jeremy do it!
- In the same episode, the panellists must play "Spot the Intro", a game where they lie, blatantly, about the introduction of a song they're listening to. Everything's fine up until Tim is given the opening of "Johnny B. Goode" and claims it's Mozart.
Jack: ... (sounding baffled) what? That's "Johnny B. Goode" by Chuck Berry, one of the most famous rock'n'roll songs of all time. (to the audience) I'm sorry about that.
- Naturally, shortly thereafter, Barry gets a song and says exactly what Tim chose (also very definitely not Mozart). Jack praises him for sussing out the tune. Then, a snippet of "She Loves You" by The Beatles plays (the episode having been recorded in their hometown of Liverpool). No-one buzzes in, and Jack just shrugs it off. Then, for their last selection:
- The round of Closed Quotes also has some good zingers.
Jack: "An Englishman's house is..."
Jeremy: Unaffordable.
Jack: "After a storm comes..."
Barry: A Prime Minister with wellies on.
Jack: "Don't let the sun go down on..."
Jeremy: Your newspaper order.
- The introduction to the game "Slipper Hunt", where supposedly a slipper must be hidden from Humphrey's sight and passed around. After summing up this very inane sounding idea, Humphrey just declares "I'm seventy-eight, for Christ's sake!" ... and then when they start playing anyhow, it turns out they don't have a slipper anyway, and the game is immediately abandoned.
Tim: Humphrey... shouldn't someone have brought a slipper?
Humph: What would be the point of that?
- An episode from 2016 where the teams are in Essex has a few of these.
- For the round of "Sound Charades", Barry and Sandi must do Pointless Celebrities. Sandi either doesn't recognise what that is, or is Obfuscating Stupidity like a champ. Did we mention on the other team is the show's co-host Richard Osman? The charade itself is pretty funny - Richard and Miles Jupp are in a classy restaurant, until they see some of the celebrities also eating there, such as Piers Morgan and "one of Jedward".
- During the episode's round of Mornington Crescent, some more Pointless references occur when it's Richard's turns, using noises from the game. Sandi still doesn't get them.
- Later on, there's a round completing quotes from Joey Essex, which, like those from the round with George W. Bush, manage to be more insane than most of what the teams can actually cook up, much to Sandi's exasperation:
Sandi: (on Joey) He's doing better than us and he isn't even here!
- Soon, when Jack quotes one of Joey's comments on breasts, it's Sandi who tries finishing the quote ("I'm trying to channel him now!") Alarmingly, her suggestion isn't that far off what Joey actually says...
- At one point the teams zing Essex the place, finishing one of Joey's quotes by claiming a pair of parents is a status symbol in Essex, much to Jack's consternation.
Jack: It's alright for you, I'm coming back here on tour!
Richard: Not anymore, you're not!
- Eventually Jack can't even hide his contempt.
Jack: I couldn't believe it when I brought my own place. It was buzzing, it was such a sick flat. My bedroom's got a walk-in wardrobe that lights up as soon as you go in... (muttering) probably a fridge.
- Any time Barry and Graeme break out Hamish and Dougal. Such as the discussion on Mrs. McNoughtie producing honey.
Hamish: Does she make the honey herself?
Dougal: Oh, that's not nature's way.
(pause as the audience laughs for several seconds)
- Graeme being asked to sing "I'm Too Sexy"... to the tune of "Frere Jaques" on its own would be silly enough, but he sings it with appropriate fake French accent. And then, Tim, Barry and David Mitchell join in, like one would singing the actual Frere Jaques.
- During the same episode, Mornington Crescent has the Sat-Nav yet again, who for some reason is very against Milton Keynes (the episode having been recorded there - Jack introduces it as "definitely a city in Buckinghamshire.")
Sat-Nav: Take the first left at the twenty-seventh roundabout. note because, as anyone who's been to Milton Keynes knows, it has a lot of roundabouts.
- The Sat-Nav warns David "bear left". After a moment, she repeats herself. "In fifty yards, there is a bear on your left."
- Also during that episode, during "Word for Word", David Mitchell buzzes at light and foppish, insisting there's a connection, and gets grilled on it by Graeme and Barry, having to claim it's a seventeenth century musical written by Shakespeare. Soon after, Barry buzzes in on David and Tim's word, "bigamous" and "anteater" and it seems he's holding a grudge about "light and foppish".
- Meanwhile, Graeme does his thing of, when being asked to go, says "really" and "now" as his words. On the third time... he says nothing at all.
- Jack's zinger at the beginning of the round, mentioning lately players have been abusing the rules by just repeating words. "So if you hear words repeating with no hint of variation... you're probably listening to The Archers." (which, of course, immediately follows Clue on the initial broadcast).
- One episode from 1999, filmed in Nottingham, has Humph introducing the city by explaining it was originally named "Snottingham" (home of snots) until renamed by Norsemen who couldn't pronounce the letter "s". Then Humph says, in all innocence, "it's easy to see why this change was resisted by the people of Scunthorpe". Humph tries to continue on, but corpses twice.
- Barry, for one round of "One Song" having to sing "The Marrow Song" to the Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody". Mundane Made Awesome at its finest.
- Series 65, episode 5, recorded in Glasgow:
- For "One Song to the Tune of Another", Fred MacCauley sings "Grandma, We Love You" to the tune of "Scotland the Brave". The audience claps along. Afterwards, Jack comments "you even clap aggressively."
- In "Word for Word", Barry's pricklier than usual, and Jack comments on how badly behaved he's being without Graeme around. Meanwhile, Fred buzzes in suggesting one connection is a certain type of club where ladies dance for money... or so he's heard. Susan just comments that he could get that at the Buchanan Street bus station, and cheaper.
- The Complete Quotes has Susan Calman being given a Balamory themed one.
Jack: "It's a sunny day, so everyone is..."
Susan: TOPLESS!
- For the last game, the audience is given kazoos to try and play a song, which the teams must then identify. As soon as it begins, there's a hint this idea wasn't thought through very well, as an entire audience of people try to play kazoos. There's a sound like a swarm of bees, over which can faintly be heard some people trying to play the song. Susan says it best.
Susan: That was amazing. ... I think that was the angriest rendition of "Flower of Scotland" I've ever heard.
- For the next song, they try "Donald, Where's Yuir Trousers", but the audience just can't manage it. Jack suggests limiting the number of audience members playing. When he suggests "just the moderate drinkers", there's near silence... except for one person just barely audible.
- For the final round, "Scottish Song Book", Fred gives out "Hit Me Baby One More Time, and I'll Break Your [bleep]ing Jaw" and "I'm a Boaby Girl".
- Series 73, episode 1;
- The 2007 Christmas special Humph in Wonderland features a duet between Rob Brydon and Jeremy Hardy. Before they even start singing, the audience are audibly laughing just at the idea.
- Series 73/74, episode 3: The attempt at a murder mystery game. It'd probably worked slightly better if the comedians weren't operating via Zoom... but maybe not, when Marcus Brigstocke 'kills' Rachel Parris (since they are married, and therefore broadcasting from the same house). Miles Jupp is apparently not paying any attention, and Jo Brand figures out who the killer is by sheer process of elimination.
- Series 73/74, episode 5: For "One Song", Jack asks Harry Hill to sing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" with the lyrics of "My Ding-A-Ling". However, since the episode is being recorded via Zoom, Harry quickly runs into problems mid-song when he gets an email pop-up, neatly derailing the whole thing.
Jack: The great thing about Lockdown is we haven't lost our professionalism.
Harry: I can only apologise.
Jack: That's true. You can only apologise.
- For "Religious Song Book", Sandi suggests "Don't Let the Nun Go Down on Me", and later "Hey, Preacher, Leave Them Kids Alone".
- In Series 76 episode 3, Rory Bremner once again sings a song to the tune of The Muppet Show theme, doing a Kermit impression... but this time, the words are "Sexual Healing".
- Whenever the Dambusters March is played during musical rounds, the teams often start making plane combat noises and start talking like World War 2 Airmen.
- When he was a panellist, the normally deadpan and dry Jack Dee was made to sing happy, upbeat songs during the musical rounds, such as Born With a Smile on my Face and Goldfinger to the tune of Postman Pat.
(after finishing singing Jack in the Box)
Tim: Now we know what to play at your funeral.
Jack: This is my funeral.
- Jack usually makes a comment if the audience start clapping along to a song during a musical round.
Jack: For those of you listening at home, that was the sound of the audience trying to break down the fire exit.
- During his later years as chairman, Humph frequently made joking comments about wanting to be literally anywhere else.
Humph: (reading deadpan) It says here - Ooh, what fun.
- During episode 2 of series 52, when the rules are particularly complex even for a Mornington Crescent game, the panellists dispute a ruling, requiring Jack to look up the rules in a large book.
Jack: This is the 1938 edition written by the Spencer Twins.
Graeme: What, all three of them?
- Even when the book states that the ruling is valid, that's still not good enough for the teams, so Jack angrily walks off the stage to go into the archive vaults for the Original Rule Book, unlocking a series of creaking doors with large clanking locks and takes over a full minute to get there, consult the book and return.
Jack: It doesn't say.
- The times Humph goes off script (or at least pretends to) are usually hilarious.
Humph: The next round is called- Where am I? ...sorry about that, I was having a flashback, I was miles away. But by a staggering coincidence this next round is actually called "Where am I?"
Humph: The next round is- oh I can't read his writing again... which is sad because it's typed.
- During a round of Yorkshire I-Spy, Sandi Toksvig struggles a bit to understand the humour of it.
Sandi: I'm afraid I'm going to have to explain this, I'm Danish and I have no idea why this is funny.
- To make up for it, the teams offer to have a round of Danish I-Spy instead.
Sandi: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with H.
[after some guessing]
Sandi: Herring. It's Danish I-Spy, that's all there is, really.
- Series 78, episode 6:
- For "Pick-Up Song", Fred MacCauley must sing "Roxanne". He tries, but like Jeremy Hardy before him, it's impossible. And Fred is out of sync before the song tunes out.
Jack: Apparently the Angel of the North put its wings in its ears.
- Pippa Evans gets Cheryl Cole's "Fight for this Love". She starts off singing in imitation of Cole's accent. Then she gets to the chorus.
- In "Sound Charades", Rory Bremner and John Finnemore get "Donald, Where's Yuir Troosers", allowing Rory to show off one of his celebrity impressions. Namely, a certain ex-President of America at a press conference.
Rory: That's a horrible question, okay. I can't believe you asked me that. Let me tell you, I guarantee you one thing, I haaaave the best pants in the world, okay. Beautiful pants. People come up to me and say "thank you, Mr. President, I love your hair, you're very tall, your daddy loved you really", but most of all I have the most beautiful pants in the world.
John: Ah, sure, Mr. President, but the question was about their present locality.
Rory: Well, they're not in China, let me tell you. They wanted me to send them there. They said they'd never seen pants like that before. They were begging me to send them, but I said "no".
John: Okay, sure, they're not in China. But where are-
Rory: Who says they're not in China?
John: You - you just said -
Rory: I can't believe you just said that. Totally fake news. Totally fake. I have more pants in China than any other president in history.
John: Okay, but Mr. President, the question was...
Rory: What was the question?
- Somehow, Fred and Pippa are able to instantly see through the obfuscation anyway.
- Pippa and Fred get "Enchanted", so they just chant the letter "n".
John: Would it help at all if I knew what the tune was?
- The week's Mornington Crescent is played according to "Toon Rules". Cue much Northernisms.
Jack: That's canny good, like.
- In series 71 episode 6, Jo Brand is asked to sing Alicia Dickson's The Boy Does Nothing but eventually stops sticking to the song and starts ranting angrily off on a tangent about how useless her partner is around the house.
Jo: Sorry Jack, I got too carried away by my own domestic circumstances.
Jack: You let your personal life into it, that was the trouble. But it was very good, actually, very close. I just heard that the Queen has rung Heathrow and asked them to send more aircraft over.
- In Series 71 episode 2, Pippa Evans is asked to sing Alanis Morisette's You Oughta Know (a bitter song about an ex-boyfriend). She does it with so much energy that she pretty much roars out the chorus. At the end, Jack speaks with sympathy.
Jack: Thank you, Pippa. Sorry if we've opened an old wound there, it's just a game you know, you don't have to...
Pippa: Oh, I feel a lot better.
- In series 54 episode 1, there is a round called PC Gone Mad, in which Graeme and Barry have to re-tell Snow White and the Seven Dwarves in a politically correct manner, with Tim and Phill Jupitus objecting whenever they hear something offensive, such as addressing the dwarves as such and Snow White's name itself being racist. Then at the end, there's this exchange.
Barry: And the good little "normal people" said, "If you will take care of our house, cook for us and make the beds, wash, mend and knit, and keep everything neat and clean, then you may stay with us all together, and you shall want for nothing!"
Tim: Fair enough.
- Jack doing a smarmy Nicholas Parsons impression most times when Just a Minim is played often brings the house down with laughter.
Jack: Tim challenged on there, it's not actually correct, but the audience enjoyed it
so much that I'm going to award you a spaceship! So you can go on tour with this wonderful game that is enjoyed throughout the cosmos! We're indebted to
Darth Vader who invented this wonderful game!
- During one such round, Ross Noble attempts to sing The Wheels on the Bus without repetition, doing the Wiper verse by doing an impression of the elephant man.
Ross: The wipers on the bus go swish, swoosh, swaaa, schwoo, schwee, aawh, haaa, awuschh-
[buzz]
Tim: Deviation from human speech.
- Series 46 episode 6, during the round of 'A Day In The Life', Humph censors the quotes of Ozzy Osbourne with his horn.
Humph: I've got no (honk)ing choice about watching the X-Factor. Music for grannies. As for Simon Cowell, I haven't met him, but it seems that he can be a bit of a (honk)ing (honk)hole.
- Series 61, episode 2, Jack tormenting Susan Calman during Just a Minim by refusing to accept any challenges against her and increasing the amount of time she has left to sing, reducing her to helpless giggling.
- Series 67, episode 2: In Pick-Up Song, Jo Brand improvises her own lyrics over what she correctly surmises is the instrumental part of Toni Basil's "Mickey".
Jo: Oh, Mickey, it's a pity I don't understand
Should I be singing now or is this bit just the band?
Oh, Mickey, I don't know what I'm doing here
I've gone completely mad and I want a pint of beer
- Series 55, episode 4, they play a round of "Cockney" Mornington Crescent, where they have to make a rhyming slang for each move. David Mitchell doesn't really get far into the spirit.
David: It's not really a circus, Oxford Circus.
- Meanwhile Graeme mostly sounds like he's making Bingo calls.
Graeme: Doctor's orders, Turnham Green.
Clickety-click, Hackney Wick.
On its own, Vauxhall.
A short walk in the Hindu Kush, Shepherd's Bush.
- Series 42, episode 2, during the round of In Their Own Words, Humph is quoting Ann Widdecombe in a magazine interview and the teams have to fill in the missing sections. There's this moment.
Humph: "I absolutely hate getting up in the morning, it's only achieved with very considerable effort and the aid of three..."
Tim: Burly dockers.
Humph: "Alarms. If I've ignored the first alarm, a second starts. I ensure the third alarm is..."
Sandi: Under my arse.
Tim: Yep, I believe that.
Humph: "Placed at a very great distance from me so that I have to get up to deal with it." So you were right, Sandi.
- In most of the board games played on the show, Graeme's dice rolls come up with interesting results.
Graeme: Two the hard way. [proceeds to move his piece the reverse way around the board]
[after rolling two 6-sided dice] Seventeen...
[another time as above] One.
- Series 39, episode 6, in the round Musical Conversations, Barry sings Just Walking in the Rain as himself while Graeme is playing as his nurse.
Barry: Just walking in the rain...
Graeme: I know, we're both walking in the rain now.
Barry: So alone and blue...
Graeme: Well you wouldn't be if you put your pyjama bottoms on.
- Series 52, episode 5, for their Mystery Medical Complaint, Barry and Jeremy think that they're a pair of curtains. Tim and Jo see through it almost instantly and just play along.
Jo: Do you feature famously in any 'Doctor-Doctor' jokes?
- Series 29, episode 1, Barry and Graeme are asked to commentate on The Charge of the Light Brigade, first in the style of Jeremy Paxman. They proceed to make an impression of Paxman's infamous interview with senior Conservative party politician Michael Howard.
Barry: Lord Cardigan... did you ever threaten to overrule the order to charge?
Graeme: Oh, well, let me be perfectly clear about this, the-the, um, order to charge went ahead.
Barry: Did you... ever... threaten... to overrule the order to charge?
Graeme: Clearly, clearly, I didn't overrule the order.
- Next, Graeme does an impression of Peter Snow commentating on the battle with his famous eagerness like he did at the 1997 British general election.
Graeme: Well, here we are, here we are at what we call the 'Valley of Death', just a bit of fun!
Over here the Light Brigade, and over there the Russian guns, and here they come, half-a-league, half-a-league, just half-a-league half-a-league!
Cannons, cannons on the left, cannons on the right there, and off go the cannons, boom, yippee!
Oh dear, if that result is repeated right across the battlefield, we're going to see not 600, not 500, not 400, look, they're all going red!
- Series 46, episode 3, the old fashioned Public Information Broadcasts in which the teams have to complete are usually funnier than the guesses. Almost the whole audience start to giggle when a Tufty Squirrel traffic safety broadcast plays and Willie Weasel is mentioned, usually getting hurt for not playing safely.
Barry: (after Willie gets hit by the Ice Cream Van) Oh no! Willie's got crushed nuts!
- It also has this entry.
Pompous-sounding Announcer: A year or so ago, Mr. and Mrs. Arnold Finnie lined their kitchen ceiling with polystyrene tiles. How nice! How safe too. Until they added...
Jack: (imitating his posh voice) More and more layers until they were trapped between the ceiling and the floor. Polystyrene tiles, know when to stop!
Humph: And here's the answer.
Announcer: ...a fine coat of gloss paint. (sound of crackling flames) Polystyrene tiles are safe. Gloss paint is safe. But together, they are a very serious fire hazard...
Tim: You can't really take him seriously, can you?
- Barry Cryer usually makes a lot of laughs with his Michael Winner impersonation. Including in the 2007 Humph in Wonderland special where he brings it into his character of Humpty Dumpty.
Barry: All names have meanings, you see! For instance, what does Humphrey mean?
Humph: Business if this goes on much longer.
Barry: Oh, calm down, dear!!
- Series 31, episode 5, Barry and Graeme sing Wandrin' Star as Lee Marvin and his hairdresser.
Barry: I was born...
Graeme: Mm, wandrin' star.
Barry: Under a wandrin' star.
Graeme: I know what you said.
Barry: ...which with any luck will never come true,
Graeme: No, never. Bit more off the bottom?
Barry: Take it easy around the edges.
- Series 76, episode 2:
- Omid Djalili doing "No Time to Die" for "Sound Charades". As he tries to do a Swedish accent it slips, because he's not certain if Dignitas is French or German, then manages to end up doing Botswana, causing Jan Ravens to start laughing. Making things worse, neither Tony or Barry have any idea what film they're talking about, so after a few minutes the audience tells them.
Jack: Couple of bloody idiots.
- Series 77, episode 2:
- Series 78, episode 2:
- For "Pick-Up Song" Jan Ravens gets "Matchdog Cats and Matchdog Men". She actually manages to get it in tune, with the audience clapping along. Then...
Jack: And the audience, giving us their impression of a nursing home.
- Series 78, episode 3:
- Jo Brand having to sing the lyrics of "Relax Don't Do it" to the tune of "Climb Ev'ry Mountain". She's certainly game, but has to change pitch mid-song, including having to stop at one point to utter a quick "bollocks".
- Graeme gets "The Funky Gibbon" to the tune of "Killing Me Softly With His Voice".
Jack: When you hear it like that, it makes you appreciate the lyrics.
- Word for Word gets off to a start as only Graeme can provide.
- Graeme buzzes on a made-up village, "Toddy on the Toad". Jo's not entirely happy with conceding.
- In the special In Search of Mornington Crescent, guests Judi Dench and Michael Gambon perform a fictional stage play of the game and it's just as silly as on the normal show.
Dench: Why that signifies not a thing, for is not Chancery Lane but abound to Holland Park?
Gambon: But abound indeed! And thence may have a spring to Black Friars! You must needs be nimble to match my pace!
Dench: Aye, match your pace or pace your match! As readily as I would thatch your pate!
Gambon: (sotto voce) (She would distract me. But I parry and confound her with a thrust from when she least expects.)
Dench: I heard that.
Gambon: ...damn.
Dench: Temper the violence of your mood, my lord, I pray. Lest I may take myself to Regents Park, in a fit of contrition.
Gambon: Then I move to Covent Garden, madam. What do you say to that?
Dench: Mornington Crescent!
Gambon: ...You bitch!
- From the same special, the Cricket commentators Arthur Pink and Bernard Little unleash a Hurricane of Puns about fictional batter Geoffrey Hiscock.
Bernard: I expect you can hear the crowd expressing their appreciation as Gardner gives Hiscock a friendly wave from the gasworks end.
Arthur: It was a bold decision of Gardner to open the batting with Hiscock.
Bernard: Why yes indeed, a lesser man may have saved Hiscock until later.
Arthur: But what a wonderful find Hiscock has been for Gardner.
Bernard: Oh yes, a fine fellow who is the life and soul of any party, I met the team at their hotel last evening and found the head waiter playing ping-pong with Hiscock.
Arthur: Hm-hm. And as Putner Chankaranjri runs up to bowl his first delivery, and... oh my goodness! Hiscock is out!
Bernard: Oh, well, the ball glanced off the top edge of the bat and the wicket keeper caught Hiscock from behind as it flipped over his shoulder.
Arthur: Well, what can poor Gardner do now but watch in horror as the umpire points Hiscock towards the pavilion?
Bernard: Oh dear me, well as Gardner watches a consolation kiss bestowed upon Hiscock by a lady in the pavilion enclosure, there'll be a short delay as the number three gets himself padded up.
- Series 51, episode 4, the Satnav is back for Mornington Crescent and starts malfunctioning halfway through. Jeremy Hardy can't stop laughing.
Satnav: Foster's Burnt Cock.
Parson's Passage.
Foster's Ball Court.
Tim: Who is this Foster?
Satnav: Queen's Bush.
Barry: Welcome to A&E.
[Jeremy laughing]
Graeme: Are you alright, Jeremy?
Satnav: Foster's Cock.
Barry: It's in reverse now, it's going berserk. It's crashed!
Satnav: Game drawn. Proceed to penalty shootout.
- When Jack is in his overly cheerful Just a Minim mode, sometimes he throws in barbs at the teams, especially Barry and Colin.
Jack: Barry has challenged there on repetition, Barry being an experienced veteran and a pedantic old git.
Jack: That really did take us away from the full meaning of the song, Barry. I can't let you continue when you're talking gibberish. I told you that on the train up here.
Jack: And Barry was singing when the whistle went! Which does of course means he gets two extra points! Nobody challenged him there, I think you did terribly well to get away with it, even though there was a bit of a hesitation as you coughed up some tar onto the table in front of you.
- In Pick-Up Song, Tim generally struggles with songs that have high notes, incidentally some of the most common ones he's asked to sing are Jimmy Nail's Crocodile Shoes and Harry Nilsson's Without You. At one point, Graeme has a bit of fun with it.
Graeme: Can we hear Harry Nilsson's song without Tim?
- Series 53, episode 4, Graeme is asked to sing I Love Paris and he does so with an outrageously ridiculous French accent.
Jack: Thank you, Graeme. Not many people can sing like that when they're sober.
Barry: I found it very phlegmatic.
- In the same episode, the 'Dinner Party Effects' round is comedy gold.
Sandi: Let me put the food out.
[sound of heavy things being put on wood]
Sandi: Sorry, my leg fell off. Do you want a bit of pepper on that?
[sound of a pepper grinder being used]
Graeme: No thank you...
Sandi: Let me bring in the main course. We're having Roast Crown of Lamb.
[sound of a sheep bleating]
Tim: It's very fresh.
[sound of metal clanging]
Graeme: Oh, it's a real crown as well.
[sound of glass shattering]
Barry: (as Michael Winner) Calm down dear, it's only a glass.
Tim: Let me cut it up for you.
[sound of a chainsaw]
- Series 67, episode 5. During Word for Word, Barry claims 'Turnip Serendipity' is a song from the 70's by Kate Bush. As usual, he's forced to improvise a song on the spot.
Jack: Yes, that's right. As sung by Kate Bush in her album, Withering Shite.
- In the Karaoke-Cokey rounds, in which the audience participates by collectively humming a tune for the teams to guess, Jack often attempts to narrow down the participants in creative ways.
Jack: Let's just have people in Scarborough who are not currently on antibiotics.
Let's just have people in the audience who are secretly thinking of leaving their partners.
Benefits cheats only, please.
- Series 57, episode 3, Rob Brydon has fits of corpsing during Just a Minim, mostly from Jack playing around with him.
Jack: And Barry has challenged you there, Rob, when you were just getting into your swing and we were enjoying it so much...
Rob: High... high and away... [breaks into laughter]
Jack: And Graeme has challenged there, I'm not sure what happened to Rob there, he didn't have the professional composure that some of the players who've been playing the game we love so much for so very long have. That of course comes with the experience that he doesn't have, but the others do have. Because they've played the game we love so much for so long. Graeme, what was the nature of your challenge?
Graeme: It was either deviation from his right mind or repetition of 'high'... for no apparent reason.
Jack: Repetition of 'high' for no apparent reason, I'm afraid, Rob, he's right, you did repeat it, and you made an arse of yourself on the radio!
- Series 67, episode 6, in Pick Up Song, even with his signature bad singing, Jeremy Hardy manages to keep time perfectly with Joe Cocker's With A Little Help From My Friends and gets an extended ovation from the audience, with clapping demands for an encore.
Jack: You can't leave, the doors are locked!
Jeremy: Jack, they're scaring me now.
Jack: And apologies to the Birmingham dogs' home up the road, just when you've got them settled for the night.
- Series 49, episode 2, a particularly amusing challenge was made during Word for Word with "Bluetooth" and "Buttock".
Graeme: Bluetooth Buttock was a famous Pirate.
Barry: He used to be a Rear Admiral.
Graeme: He invented the Jolly Roger.
- Series 54, episode 1, Phill Jupitas's impression of King George III during Letter Writing is off the wall insane.
King George III: I am KING of Engklandt and MARS and I love Monkeys!
- During the 2001 Christmas Special, the teams have to guess the occupation of a celebrity guest, in this case the gardener Alan Titchmarsh. While it's fairly obvious that all of them know and are just playing around, Jeremy throws a curveball question out there.
- Graeme also throws some silly questions in.
Graeme: Combined with your name, which is not very usual. I wonder if you belong to that group of with rather curious names like Bob Flowerdew, Pippa Greenstreep, Fred Loams and Bill Flowerbutts?
(Audience 'oooh's in anticipation)Graeme:
Are you in fact a Hobbit?
- Series 56, Episode 1, they have a brief round of who can hold their breath the longest.
(after Graeme, Tim and Jeremy exhale and lose)
Jack: ...Barry?
(sound of Barry collapsing)
- Series 56, episode 3, in response to a mild audience reaction to the round "Spot the Sig", Jack has this to say.
Jack: I should have explained there that there are at least twenty of these so you might as well get into it...
- Series 39, episode 5, the round DIY Soap is something of a hilarious mess with Graeme, Barry, Tim and Bill Bailey riffing with improvisations.
Graeme: (as Constable PC World) If I crack this case I'll be promoted to Super Nintendo!
Tim: (as Doctor Toff) Oh we're in the pub are we?
Barry: (as Farmer Chelfont) I think so.
Tim: Why am I talking with your voice then?
Bill: (as Blind Lemon Watkin) Careful with that, that's my guide chicken! I can't afford a dog.
- Series 54, episode 3, in a round where the teams answer questions asked by children, Graeme has an interesting way to speak to them.
Child: What would happen if I didn't tidy my toys?
Graeme: Ooh, well the Tidy Goblin would come and chop you into little bits, and then file all the bits alphabetically. (gently) Now go to sleep.
Child: Will Madonna come and steal me?
Graeme: Not if the Underbed Monster gets you first. ...now go to sleep.
- Series 79, episode 1:
- Series 79 episode 3:
- Series 79, episode 4:
- The episode is recorded in Ipswich, which Jack introduces as the third-happiest place to live in Britain, after "anywhere" and "else".
- Discussing George Orwell's taking his name from the local river, Jack asks who would be such a loser as to do that. Once the audience stops laughing he has a "phone call" and learns about a certain river in Scotland...
Jack Dee: As I said, what a good idea!
- For the Uxbridge English Dictionary, Henning gives "capable" as "anyone with a neck". Makes things awkward when Andy Hamilton is next, and Jack admits this was a mistake. Omid Djalili has "decant - Cockney for Piers Morgan" and Andy gives "Farago - when a bank cancels your bank account... because you're a pain in the arse".
- For "Pick Up Song", Henning is given Nena's "99 Lufballoons". He's not in tune to begin with...
Jack: Oh, thank you, Henning. The one and only decent German song and you've murdered it.
- Andy, once Jack recomposes himself, is given "Non, Je ne regrette rien" (which Jack translated as "no, I don't regret nothing"). Which Andy does with an outrageously over-the-top accent.
Jack: Of course, what views at home can't see is Andy brought his own tumbledryer to sit on.
- Historical Letter Writing rounds in general are usually hilarious, mainly from the teams precisely saying words that make them completely nonsensical. Jeremy Hardy was particularly good at this, making additions such as implying that William the Conqueror had a fax machine in 1066, and that Guy Fawkes intended to use the modern explosive Semtex in the Gunpowder Plot of 1605.
- Series 58, episode 1, by now it's established as a Running Gag that whenever Barry declares random words to be music related in the Word for Word rounds, he's forced to improvise a song on the spot.
Barry: I've got an album at home, Pusillanimous Filibuster. It's by Ann Widdecombe, I treasure it.
Tim: Could we hear a bit of it, Barry?
(Colin Sell starts jamming a tune on the piano)
Barry: Widdecombe, Widdecombe is the name... Dancing, dancing is my game... Ann, is my first name... don't you wish that you were the same?
- Series 50, episode 3, in the round Scandals, the teams guess what scandals they're being accused of. Tim and Jeremy have been accused of buying honours where Barry and Graeme drop fairly obvious hints.
Barry: Lord Hardy of Streatham, there was your surprise appointment as the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Jeremy: Well as a Catholic I think it's important to have an acumenical approach to these things and I asked guidance from his holiness and bumped him 40 quid and he said it was fine.
Graeme: Your Grace, and indeed you Lord Brooke-Taylor, Duchess of Buxton...
- Series 59, episode 2, the teams hold a round of Dragon's Den. Tim and Tony are attempting to sell the idea of the Wheel to Barry, Graeme and Jack, creatively questioning its worth to society.
Jack: (in a gruff voice) Hello Tony, hello Tim. My name's Hillary and I've got a lorry. With this here wheel how's that going to advantage me with my lorry?
Tim: How do you get your lorry around?
Jack: I drag the bastard.
- Series 59 episode 4, during the Swanee Kazoo round, unfortunately Graeme and Barry barely know how to play The Flower Duet and it's hilarious.
(at the end)
Jack: Urgh...
Audience member: ENCORE!
Jack: Shut your face! (audience laughs) Oh I was hoping to end things on a happier note.
- Series 60, episode 3, the teams hold a parody of the game Pointless titled "Useless" (with Richard Osman guest starring) and it is one of their best. Victoria Wood stands out as playing the role of a Genius Ditz.
Jack: What are you hoping is going to come up today, Victoria?
Victoria: Umm,
Strictly, Celebrity Gossip, eh, Jordan...
Jack:
(chuckles) Jordan, glamour model once married to Peter Andre?
Victoria: No, the strategically located country that plays a pivotal role in the power struggle of the Middle East.
- Series 80, episode 2:
- When the veteran panellists had obviously elderly moments, Jack would often poke fun at them. Barry in particular fully leaned into the stereotype for the sake of the joke.
Jack: God, it's like going on a Saga Holiday...
Barry: (in a frail voice) Has the coach come?
- The panellists often poke fun at each other on this too.
(asking where to resume the song in Just a Minim)
Barry: Where are we?
Tim: Chichester!
Barry: Have the visitors been?
- In another example,
Barry: (when guessing a Sound Charade) Is the word "weight" in the title?
Tim: No.
Barry: Er...(pauses on a blank) oh! Er... yes.
Tony: Did you just remember where you were?
Barry: Yes.
- Series 44, episode 3, the teams hold a round of Russian Roulette. It goes about as well as expected.
Barry: I'm going to point it over my shoulder...
(sound of a gunshot followed by Colin Sell collapsing on the piano)
Humph: (jubilantly) Yes!
- Series 58, episode 6, the teams do an impression of an episode of The Archers, with Tim, Graeme and Barry only having to play 1 or 2 characters while Victoria Wood is tasked with playing all of the female characters. Things get a bit dicey for her when it looks like they're all going to arrive in a scene all at once.
Graeme: I'm looking through the window, you two, and this is what I can see, I can see all the ladies getting off the coach, there's Lillian, Shula, Ruth, Jill, Clarrie, Jennifer, Linda and Usha. They're coming across the road and it looks like they've got a lot to say for themselves...
Victoria: (worried) Really?
- To Victoria's relief, they get caught up in a traffic accident and a stampede before they can enter the scene.
- Also Barry's impression of Jazzer consists of incoherent Scottish gibberish. This ties into the plot by him being so frustrated at not being understood, he storms the village green with a machine gun, abruptly ending the episode.
- Series 48, episode 6, Tony Hawks is to sing Baby Love by Pinky and Perky in Pick-Up Song and he's given some helium to get the right pitch.
Humph: I rather like that idea of gassing the teams.
