Funny / I Against I, Me Against You

• Tucker giving Church shit about having fired at Twilight.
  Tucker: Great. Just great. So we just made contact with a new alien race, and the first thing you did was shoot at it. Nice one Church. Way to represent humanity.
  Church: Tucker, as I recall, your method of first contact with the last alien we met was to have sex with it!
  Twilight: WHAT?!
  Tucker: That was one time! And he came on to me, okay? Bastard left as soon as he found out I was pregnant. Hasn't left one goddamn support check!
• Doc tries to pop Twilight's dislocated leg back into place… except he accidentally did it to her other leg.
  Tucker: Goddamn dude, you're like the fucking angel of death!
  Doc: Hey! It's not my fault I don't know the biology of an alien species literally just discovered a few minutes ago!
  Twilight: It's not like you needed to measure my metabolism or something! YOU JUST HAD TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LEFT AND RIGHT!
• Doc tries to touch Twilight's horn.
  Twilight: Hey! Don't touch my horn! It's sensitive!
  Tucker: Hey, I have a sensitive horn too, but you won't see me complaining if you touch it! Bow chicka bow wow!
  Doc: Really, Tucker? Not even multicolored alien ponies are safe from your depravity?
  Tucker: Okay, I may be into a lot of kinky shit, but I do draw the line at bestiality. That being said, you can't expect me not to ignore a set-up like that!
  [Twilight shoots Tucker a Death Glare]
  • Church ranting that Twilight has actual magical powers rather than something more scientific.
• O'Malley!Pinkie threatening to perform an Ass Shove on a customer with a cupcake.
• O'Malley tricking Rainbow Dash into helping him pour gasoline all over Rarity's house and lighting it on fire isn't funny, but Rarity's reaction and O'Malley's melodramatic Evilgloating are.
  Rarity: Of all the things that could happen… [Rarity uses her magic to summon her couch] This is actually the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!
  O'Malley: EEEE HEE HEE HA HA HA HA HAAAA! That's right, you foolish fools! BURN IN THE FIERY INFERNO OF OBLIVION!
• Sarge's complete inability to pronounce Twilight's name.
• After the Reds take Twilight "hostage", Sarge almost immediately announces his plan to use her magic powers to "power [his] time machine so [he] can go back in time and kill George Washington, the inventor of the color blue!"
  Twilight: IS EVERYONE IN THIS CANYON COMPLETELY CRAZY?!
• Sarge explaining the Red-Blue war to Twilight.
  Sarge: The Red versus Blue war is massive! The fate of the galaxy depends on us wiping the Blues from existence!
  Twilight: Why?
  Sarge: Because! They're blue! They have plans to drive the galaxy into a new dark age… of dark blue!
  Twilight: And the box canyon is important because…
  Sarge: With all due respect Brightlight, you're a little girly alien horse! I wouldn't expect you to understand the nuances of military strategy!
  Twilight: Try me.
  Sarge: Well… it's got the… underground caves and uh… I'm pretty sure I struck oil while I was digging a grave for Grif!
  Grif: But, uh… I'm not dead.
  Sarge: The world's an imperfect place, I know. There, ya happy?
  Twilight: Well, it pretty much confirms what I'd already been thinking.
• After Wyoming tricks Sarge into believing Washington is a Blue over a radio transmission, Sarge starts bugging him about various obviously fake products he bought.
  Sarge: Any word on that soldier poison I ordered?
  Wyoming: Uh… what?
  Sarge: You know, the green stuff that let's ya infect one of your soldiers and send him into the enemy's midst, where he’d spread disease through noxious clouds that come out of all of his orifices and infect nearby enemies and turns them into legions of the undead that would be perfect for dealing with using a shotgun?
  Wyoming: I… don't think that's a real thing…
  Sarge: Oh… well how about the robot bull that attacks whatever colors you program it to hate?
  Wyoming No…
  Sarge: Hypno ring?
  Wyoming: No.
  Sarge: Full body pillow of disassembled robot?
  Wyoming: NO!
  Sarge: Well why the hell am I subscribed to Red Army Catalogue if you don't have any of that stuff in stock? I'm startin' to think I'm being ripped off!
  Wyoming Perhaps that's because you are getting ripped off, you bloody buffoon!
  Sarge: (Beat) So are you telling me the armless man who gave me this subscription wasn't legit?
  Wyoming: Command out.
• Sweetie Belle and Applebloom decide to practice alien hunting on Simmons, who immediately gets tackled to the ground while Rarity, Sarge, and Applejack watch in bemusement.
  Simmons: Agh! It's grade school all over again! Just take my lunch money and leave me alone!