"I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing ON MY ASS!"
This gem:
Kevin: This house is so full of people it makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone!. Didja hear me? (he starts jumping up and down and screaming) I'm living alone! I'm living alone!
The camera briefly cuts to Harry as Kevin throws his fit, and the man's bewildered expression is priceless.
This bit is a great example of how the simplest lines can sometimes be among the funniest:
Kate: Get upstairs. Kevin: I am upstairs, dummy! [they're on the second floor, but Kate was referring to the attic]
In the beginning, Harry (posing as a cop) tries to talk to Kevin's parents. At first, every kid he asks is a visiting cousin, so he doesn't get much help.
Harry: Hi. Sondra: Hi! Harry: Are your parents home? Sondra: Yeah! Harry: Do they live here? Sondra: No. (leaves) Harry: Why should they? (throws hands up) All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage!
Kevin's scream when he slaps aftershave on his face. Even better when he does it again. You think he'd learn after the first time.
And this gem from Kate while on the phone in Paris:
Kevin uses Angels with Filthy Souls to pull a prank on the pizza delivery boy:
Johnny: Who is it? Pizza boy: It's Little Nero's sir, I have your pizza. Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here. Pizza boy: Okay. (puts the pizza down) What about the money? Johnny: What money? Pizza boy:(rolls eyes) Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir. Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe ya? (Kevin fast forwards to the right point) Pizza boy: That'll be $11.80, sir. (Kevin pauses and drops $12 through the dog flap; Kevin then plays the next clip) Johnny: Keep the change, you filthy animal. Pizza boy:(starts to walk away) Cheapskate. (Kevin rewinds a few seconds) Johnny: Hey! I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts fulla lead! One... two... ten! (cue Johnny using the tommygun. The pizza guy runs to his car with all haste)
It's even funnier when you remember Kevin was upset in the first act over Pizza Boy not bringing enough cheese pizzas and realize he most likely gave him a cheapskate tip in petty revenge. Even funnier is how it's not really his fault Kevin's parents didn't order extra cheese pizzas.
Angels with Filthy Souls is itself very funny; an over-the-top parody of gangster flicks with a gleefullyAx-CrazyVillain Protagonist cackling as he blows people away.
Kevin entering Buzz's room to get his life savings, and the bookcase he is climbing on ends up collapsing under him.
Harry tells Marv to check the house to see if anybody's there.
Harry: Go check it out. (Marv just sits there. Harry looks at him, waiting. Marv looks back at him) Marv: Now? Harry: No, tomorrow egghead, NOW! Go ahead! (scoffs) "Now."
Kevin does the same gangster movie gag on Harry and Marv, with the addition of firecrackers in a pan to make things a little more believable.
The traps Kevin set up for Harry and Marv:
Kevin shoots Harry's groin. Harry makes a squeaky little scream of pain, followed by a bunch of incomprehensible Angrish. One can only imagine what Joe Pesci would've said if he'd been allowed to swear.
Marv then sticks his head through the doggy door to see what just happened and stares right into the barrel of a BB gun. Cue "Oh, Crap!" Smile plus a Delayed Reaction after he gets shot. Kevin gives a cheery "Hello!" before pulling the trigger.
Harry takes one step on the slippery stairs on the front door and slips. Later, he climbs up and trips back down.
Marv slipping down the basement stairs the first time ("Ow!"), and then when the crowbar falls and hits him in the head.
Take note of the fact that when Marv falls backwards, he misses every single stair and lands flat on his back on the floor, but doesn't even react to that because he's too focused on his foot.
Harry runs outside to put fire out with snow with the pattern of his burnt scalp looking like a snowflake. He touches his still-smoking head twice and laughs to himself. Then, he runs back to kick the door down.
Harry: WHERE ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE CREEP?!
Marv stepping on the ornaments. "I'M GONNA KILL THAT KID!!!!"
Followed by several little screams and squeals as he threw the spider at Harry's chest and reaching for his crowbar to smash it with.
Harry:(waking up) What are you doing, Marv? Marv:(whispers) Harry... don't move. Harry: Marv? Marv:(whispers) Don't! Move. (getting ready to strike) Harry:(very worried) Marv, what are you doing? Marv? (Marv hits Harry's chest, missing the spider who crawls back to Buzz's room) Harry: AAAGH!! Geeez... Marv: Did I get him? DID I GET HIM?! Where is it? Where is it? Harry: NEVER MIND WHAT YOU GET! (grabs Marv's crowbar and hits him with it) HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH?! YOU JERK!!(throws Marv's crowbar aside with an Offscreen Crash) Get that kid!
After successfully bluffing his way passed a supermarket cashier, the bottoms of Kevin's grocery bags burst open on his walk home, spilling his groceries onto the pavement. He gives an Aside Glance of exasperation into the camera.
Kevin having to face his fear of his basement furnace while doing laundry by telling it to "Shut up." And it does.
The following:
Marv: Yeah. Kids are scared of the dark. Harry: You're afraid of the dark too, Marv. You know you are. (Beat) Marv: No I'm not!
Buzz implying to Kevin that he ate the last cheese pizza and that if he wants any somebody's gonna have to barf it up. He then tells Kevin to get a plate so he can throw some up for him and Kevin attacks him causing chaos in the kitchen.
When Kevin finds Santa Claus, Santa's griping about getting a ticket for his car. "What next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?"
Kevin telling Santa he wants his family back for Christmas and names all the family members he wants back finally saying that if Santa has time he'd also like his rude Uncle Frank back as well.
"Look what you did, you little jerk!"
Uncle Frank's half-assed attempt of showing sympathy on the plane.
Uncle Frank: Horrible. Horrible. If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.
Followed by his wife, Peter, and Kate's reaction. His wife having a disapproving look.
And this little exchange once the two crooks are inside the house:
Harry:(seeing Marv in bare feet, his shoes having got stuck in tar in the basement) Why the hell did you take your shoes off? Marv:(seeing Harry covered in bits of feathers that got stuck on him) Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?
"I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck!"
Harry and Marv getting hit in the face by paint cans that Kevin sends swinging their way.
Harry:(ducking) HEADS UP! Marv: Huh? (gets walloped with the paint can and falls to the bottom of the steps) Harry: Don't worry Marv, I'll get 'em for ya! Marv: HARRY! (points) (Harry turns around to get whacked with the paint can, and falls down onto a still laid out Marv) Harry:(after they resume pursuit) You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil!
Speaking of improv: when Kevin hides in the treehouse, the crooks look out the window, and Marv blurts out "Maybe he committed suicide." Improvised by Daniel Stern.
After hiding from the Wet Bandits during their first break-in attempt, Kevin decides to be brave and call them out since he's "the man of the house". Oh, he is soTempting Fate with this one.
Kevin: Hey! I'm not afraid anymore! I said, I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore! (Then comes creepy Old Man Marley and his shovel) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (And the screams continue for a good twenty seconds as he runs into the house, including screaming right into the camera)
The deleted scenes are outright hilarious but the topping is one of Harry and Marv singing their own rendition of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" while driving, with more appropriate lyrics:
Both: You better watch out, you better not hide, if your doors are open, we're coming inside, Harry and Marv are coming to town!
Harry: We know when you're out dancing.
Marv: We know just what to take.
Both: We know where all the money's hid, So come on, give us a break! You better watch out, you better not hide, if your doors are open, we're coming inside! Harry and Marv are coming to toooown!
In one blooper, Macaulay Culkin yells, "Someone's in my house!"
Another blooper where Joe Pesci forgets who he is.
Joe: Are you afraid to go out the window, Harry? I'm Harry!
Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern's interviews for the featurette, in which they're completely unapologetic for their characters' actions:
Stern: They're a bunch of rich fat cats and we're gonna rip 'em off!
This exchange when the officer (Harry in disguise) talks to Peter.
Officer (Harry): Are you Mr. McCallister? Peter: Yeah. Officer (Harry): The Mr. McCallister who lives here? Peter: Yes. Pizza boy: Good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
Fuller and his sister are staring at "Officer" Harry with open mouths.
Harry: How are you kids doing, good? A lot of action around here today, huh? Going on vacation? Where are you going? (still gawking at him) You hear me or what? Going on a trip? Where are you going, kid?! (a knock on the door) Ha!
Kevin's mom tries to call the police for help.
Kate: I'm calling from Paris, I have a son who's home alone— Sergeant Balzak: Has the child been involved in a violent altercation with a drunken or mentally ill member of the household? Kate:(baffled) No. Sergeant Balzak: Has he been involved in a household accident? Kate:(worried) I don't know! I'd- I hope not! Sergeant Balzak: Has the child ingested poison or any other object that's become lodged in his throat? Kate:(aggravated) NO! He's just home alone! I'd like somebody to go over to the house and see if he's all right! Just to check on him! Sergeant Balzak: You want us to go to your house, just to check on him. Kate: YES!
If you look carefully, in his last question, a piece of donut sticks on the phone, and a moment later, it fell off and you can hear it land on his desk.
A behind-the-scenes example: the crew had a swear jar on set because they didn't want the adult actors swearing in front of the kids. For Joe Pesci, who filmed this alongside his role as Tommy in GoodFellas, it took him all of one day to fill the entire thing.
Marv tries to pry the basement door open with a crowbar, only to turn the knob and discover it was unlocked the whole time.
Marv giggles to himself after finishing a robbery, after leaving the "calling card" of leaving the taps running to flood the house, a practice Harry finds weird and unnecessary and has apparently previously scolded him for doing so as they immediately descend into a very petty argument in the van, leading to Harry being so distracted driving he nearly runs over Kevin. Bonus points for this "calling card" meaning the police now know every house the Wet Bandits hit after they're arrested.
Kevin scares away Marv by playing that same film he used for scaring away the pizza boy, but simply plays it and uses firecrackers to imitate the gunfire. Marv runs to Harry explaining he witnessed a murder (while implying he has actually seen the movie, recognising a voice and the name Snakes), prompting Harry to suggest they stick around so they can give the details to the police. The fact that Marv actually takes a long pause before saying "that's a good idea" really helps sell the scene. It ends with Marv hammily musing "He sounded like a snake".
When Marv tells Harry he heard the name Snakes, Harry quickly repeats the name to himself while trying to recall if Snakes is a criminal associate that the two have come across previously.
are outright hilarious but the topping is one of Harry and Marv singing their own rendition of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" while driving, with more appropriate lyrics:Both: You better watch out, you better not hide, if your doors are open, we're coming inside, Harry and Marv are coming to town!Harry: We know when you're out dancing.Marv: We know just what to take.Both: We know where all the money's hid, So come on, give us a break! You better watch out, you better not hide, if your doors are open, we're coming inside! Harry and Marv are coming to toooown!