Funny / Hello Internet

Miscellaneous

• Every episode opens with an out-of-context sound bite from a conversation that was cut from the episode. (Usually a conversation they had before they technically "started" the podcast.) They're always funny, and sometimes the the lack of context makes them funnier than they'd be otherwise. e.g. "First of all, I would probably pay you to not stick a fork into your leg."
• Grey's legendary sighs.
• How obedient the listeners are to Grey and Brady's commands (e.g. "Tweet us if you're on a plane right now") and "homework" (e.g. "Go watch her because there's going to be spoilers next episode") — and how often Grey is surprised by how many people actually do it.
• Most episodes end with an abrupt halt to the conversation, followed by several seconds of dead silence, followed by a stinger.
  • Some listeners don't realize right away that there are stingers, because they assume the podcast is over when they hear silence, and jump to the next episode. Then they go on YouTube, see people talking about stingers, and discover they've been missing them for months.
• Grey's tendency to deliberately bring something up for discussion — even shows or movies, which listeners have to go watch if they want to avoid spoilers — only to end up talking about why he doesn't like it, or what is wrong with it. So far he's done this with Her, Serial, and The Martian, at the very least.
• By the time they get around to recording an episode, Grey and Brady often can't remember which of them wrote each point in the show notes. "It was the show notes fairy who put it in."
• Brady putting on an American accent whenever he mocks Americans. It's always a hilariously terrible and bizarre blend of Surfer Dude and Southerner.

Unsorted

• Grey describes going to his wife's family reunion (her family is very large and mostly people he doesn't know, while his own family is small):
  Grey: And I ended up going around, like a total nerd, with my iPad, and talking to people, and figuring out where they go on the family tree, and making a little family tree, to try to connect everybody.
  Brady: They got a pretty accurate impression of who you were pretty quickly, then.
  Grey: Do you think that's fair? I don't think that's fair.
  Brady: Wandering around with your iPad, filling in a family tree?
  Grey: I… That is… That might be accurate.
• Elevator music is mentioned, and Grey spontaneously starts singing "The Girl from Ipanema". And then, in a bizarre role reversal, he gets upset when Brady tries to continue with the conversation instead of singing with him.
• "You're never Mr. Extreme, you're always somewhere in the middle. You're often annoyingly non-extreme." "Hmm." "Wouldn't you agree?" "I guess."
• In one episode, Grey and Brady warned the listeners that there would be spoilers for the first season of Serial. Because it's 12 episodes and several hours long, Grey was 100% confident that absolutely no one was actually going to pause the podcast to listen to it. He assured listeners that it was going to be the last topic of the episode, so he assumed that everyone would either keep going and not worry about spoilers, or would simply skip the rest of the episode. Grey was shocked to find that many, many listeners actually did pause the podcast at that exact moment, listened to the entire first season of Serial, and then picked up Hello Internet right where they left off.

Episode 1

• The intro: (Grey) "First of all, I think that this podcast is a place where I'm going to be wrong quite a lot." (Brady) "That's a positive note to start on."

Episode 2

• The intro: (Brady) "You're not very good at that, are you?" (Grey) "I can normally do it! It's just that you're looking…"

Episode 4

• The intro (Brady): "Well, I was going to amaze you, and say that I have prepared notes. But it's more a case of, I started to prepare notes…"

Episode 7

• The intro (Grey): [singing] "I will edit this…out. This is…the editing-out…song…"
• Brady makes fun of Grey:
  Brady: The last podcast … you gave some advice about e-mailing that I personally found very useful … You went up in my estimations as an e-mailer…
  Grey: Oh, thank you.
  Brady: And then last night…
  Grey: [laughing] Oh no!
  Brady: …you sent me … some crazy e-mail… Very long for you… A bit rambling… You even apologized for it in the e-mail… Had you been drinking, or something?
  Grey: No, I was just very tired. I was very tired, and you were last on my e-mail queue, and… I thought I was being much more rational than I was… But yes, I sent you a rather rambly e-mail that did not make a whole lot of sense when I saw it in the morning, and I was slightly embarrassed. And yes, that was perfectly timed to come after the show about sending efficient e-mails.
• The end of the episode:
  Brady: There's been another criticism of our podcast.
  Grey: Oh, yeah? Yeah?
  Brady: That it ends too abruptly?
  Grey: Oh! Yeah! I wanted to mention this! I wanted to mention this–
  [the episode ends]

Episode 8

• The intro (Grey): "I discovered that at this time of night, my office turns into a yoga studio."

Episode 9

• The intro (Grey): "Did the group of individuals you prefer outperform the group of individuals you do not prefer?"

Episode 11

• The intro, which gives us Grey's first swear:
  Grey: I don't wanna keep turning away, because of the microphone, so I'm just trying to have something else in front of me. Although, actually… [he can be heard getting up] Do I have, um… Actually, hold on, I have a spare computer under the table, I wanna see if I can make this work. [sounds of grunting and dragging something across the floor]
  [there is a loud "thunk"]
  Grey: AW SH—!
  [Brady laughs for 10 seconds]
  Brady: Oh man, I wish that was recording! [continues laughing]

Episode 12

• The intro (Grey): "You are sick, and I am just exhausted, and the amount of coffee that I need is 'more'…"

Episode 17

• The intro (Grey): "Peekapoo."
  • This turns out to refer to a Pekingese poodle crossbreed.
• Grey and Brady discuss the responsibility and financial burden of taking care of dogs, and Grey contrasts them with children:
  "Dogs can be a bigger responsibility than children. Because you have to have someone look after the dog. Children… I dunno, you put them in a box… I'm not sure how you carry them around — but you bring them with you. Right? Children always go wherever people go. You can't do that with a dog. So I'll draw that line in the sand. Dogs: More responsibility than children. You can't leave a dog alone in a house and expect it to be able to feed itself. If you have a competent child, they should be able to do that."
• Grey is very upset that some people have taken to keeping wolfdogs as pets, because they're incredibly hard to tame:
  "What are you doing with the wolf?! We spent 10,000 years domesticating these things to make them not wolves! You're going backwards! This is not the direction of progress!"
  • Also, in reference to an earlier discussion on the rampancy of poodle cross-breeds: "Progress is clearly poodle-izing everything and de-wolfifying the dogs!"

Episode 18

• The intro (Brady): "Oh, well we've got loads of time, we've only been going an hour and ten minutes on follow-up."
• Grey and Brady are surprised that Grey's opinion on teaching language in school attracted a lot of ire from listeners, while Grey's comment on dogs being more responsibility than children passed without comment:
  Brady: It must say something about our audience, I guess, but…
  Grey: No, I think it says something about how difficult children are relative to how difficult dogs are. That's what I think it's evidence of.
  Brady: Well, by that rationale, because of all the outcry over your teacher stuff, that means you must acknowledge your teacher stuff was wrong.
  Grey: No, no, it doesn't work both ways. It only works one way.
• Grey initially was resistant to using an electric toothbrush, but now…
  "I was overnight somewhere for travel purposes, and I did not have the electric toothbrush. I had a regular toothbrush. And when I used it, it felt like I was brushing my teeth with a twig with some leaves on it. How did I ever use this barbaric tool before?! My teeth don't even feel remotely clean, having used this stick and these leaves! I think I've just moved a whole bunch of junk around, and possibly made my mouth dirtier than it was before!"

Episode 19

• Brady's papercut for this episode is when e-mails have attachments that add appointments to your calendar, and he jokingly describes it as "voodoo witchcraft". Grey brings it back a few minutes later:
  Brady: I'm gonna shut this list down, because it's too tempting for me just to drop in words from it all through the podcast.
  Grey: Fair enough. You do what you want. I have no control over your computer screen. I have no voodoo witchcraft to force you to shut down the spreadsheet.
  Brady: I don't know, 'cause you're so much more technically savvy than me. I don't know that even just making this Skype call hasn't given you access to things I don't want you… Are you going through my files right now?
  Grey: Well, you think it's magic when you leave the camera on and I can still see what you're doing. [both laugh] You forget to turn it off. "How did you see that?" You left your camera on, is how I can see it.
  Brady: Can you see me right now?
  Grey: No, I can't see you. You remembered to turn off the camera this time.
  Brady: Okay, that's good. I don't have to put my shirt back on, then. [Beat] I am wearing a shirt.
• Grey is speaking and then suddenly cuts himself off:
  Grey: Sorry, you were gonna ask me something?
  Brady: How do you know that?!
  Grey: I could hear you breathe in.
  Brady: You're like my wife, she can –
  Grey: [creepy voice] I'm watching you on the Skype right now!
  Brady: You're like my wife, though. She can just tell from the way I jiggle my knee exactly what I'm about to say. And you're turning into that.

Episode 20

• When Brady asks if Grey missed him while he was on vacation, Grey pauses a little too long before saying, "Uh… Yes. I missed you, Brady."
  Brady: Oh man, that pause. You're gonna have to edit that pause down, just for my feelings.
  Grey: [very unconvincing] No, I missed you, I missed you, uh, quite a lot.
  • Then when Brady asks what he missed about him, Grey has to think for a moment before he manages to come up with something. And then it isn't even technically something about Brady — what he missed was Brady sending him adorable photos of his chihuahua.
• While Brady and Grey discuss whether to do a third season, Brady has to clarify for listeners: "We do get along, by the way, everyone. We are friendly. I sometimes think people worry that we don't like each other very much."
  • "I am never actually angry at you, Brady. You frustrate me tremendously sometimes, but anger is not the emotion that I ever feel." "You're not angry, you're disappointed." "No, just frustrated."
• Grey (accidentally) left a very long silence between the end of the main discussion and the final discussion + t-shirt promotion at the very end. The main discussion abruptly ends by cutting Grey off in the middle of a sentence.
• Brady and Grey discuss the design of the Hello Internet t-shirts (which is simply the show's "HI" logo):
  Brady: You didn't wanna go for just a big picture of my face or something? [Grey laughs] You didn't think people would go for that on a t-shirt?
  Grey: Uh, I have to say, that did not occur to me as one of the options for how we might merchandise the show. [laughing] Maybe, if there's a huge demand for it, that can be a specialty item.
• Grey's promotion of the t-shirts:
  "For now, the t-shirt is a way that people can support the show, if they want to. Or if they just want to look super-cool, wearing a gigantic H-I on the front of your chest. I'm sure you will make lots of friends that way, perhaps, if you walk around. People will see it says 'HI'; they'll say 'Hi' to you. Maybe give you a high-five. I don't know how much magic this shirt will work. I assume a lot. But it is there, for you."

Episode 21

• The intro: "Uh… Yeah, gimme, uh… Gimme claps." "How many would you like?" "I would like three claps." "Three. You're so predictable. You're so predictable!" "I'm sorry, okay, I would like 11 claps. 11 claps is how many I want." "Here they come." [claps exactly 11 times] "You're so compliant!"
• "Sometimes…I don't understand your stories." "Oh, thank goodness, I thought it was just me."
• "Wait, wait… So, you didn't see a thing in Bangkok which could have been interesting, so…Scotland should be independent?"
• Grey's most selfish reason for wanting Scotland to stay in the UK: "It feels like I got out of a homework assignment, which was having to redo my UK Explained video."
  • "And you thought my currency reason was stupid!" "No no no, but you see, that situation can change over the course of months. But I will never be out from under the shadow of my UK Explained video. That thing will always be my most popular, most looming video."
  • "The thought of trying to redo that again was very unpleasant. It's a bit like… It's a bit like remaking Star Wars. What am I gonna do? I'm gonna go back and, 'Well, I really wanted Northern Ireland to shoot first, and that was the way it was always supposed to be…'"

Episode 23

• Whilst explaining why he has no interest in switching from iOS to Android, Grey makes a rather strange analogy:
  "When I complain about something, and then someone says, 'Oh, on Android, you can arrange the icons anywhere that you want!' It's like, yes, okay, on that one particular issue, Android might be better. But you have to look at the whole set of problems and benefits you get with one thing, versus the whole set of problems and benefits you get with another thing. When people tell me to switch to Android, if I've complained about something in particular on iOS, it's a bit like… If I'm complaining about my taxes, and 'Oh, taxes are really complicated, and it causes me a lot of stress over the past six months, and it's just been a hugely frustrating situation,' and somebody says, 'Why don't you become a bear? Bears don't have to worry about taxes! They don't have any of these kinds of problems! Bears just get to live in the forest, and all of these human problems you have — your worries about your pocket, your iPhone is too big — bears don't have any of these issues!' It's like yes, but being a bear comes with a whole other set of problems, many of which I don't even know about at this stage."
  • "I dunno, I think being a bear would be pretty cool." "I bet you would. If one of the two of us was going to live as a bear, I think everybody knows which one of us is going to be the bear." "I often think in many ways, I already am."
• Grey blows Brady's mind: "I made a note on this last journey, because I thought, 'Oh, Brady might like to know this.' I thought of something that is old, and obviously less convenient than the modern alternative, but that I like better."
• Grey explains his love of split-flap displays:
  Grey: It was almost like this bizarre moment of excitement. That once they start turning over, it's like, "Oh boy!" It almost feels like… Like a – like, um…
  Brady: Lottery balls.
  Grey: Yes! That is exactly what I was thinking of! It's like the lottery balls rolling around, and like, "Ooh, what's gonna come out?" What platform is it gonna be? Show me, strange clacking machine! And it makes a particular noise, and…
  Brady: Like there's some random element involved because things are hitting each other.
• Grey describes a situation that makes him lose some faith in humanity:
  "You know I'm a pretty optimistic guy about the future of the world and the state of society. I'm pretty optimistic. The one time I feel clouds of foreboding on the future of civilization and the state of the world is if I'm on a train, and I am in the quiet cabin, and other people are not quiet. I don't understand… I don't understand the world, and it makes me really grumpy. And I feel like… 'We are in the quiet train, people. Don't you understand this is not the place for your cell phone conversation? You, too, elected to be on the quiet train!' … We have tried to have this little area where self-selecting people can go, and we can sit, and we can be quiet together, and ignore each other… But when people are on the quiet train, and they themselves cannot possibly be quiet, that is one time where I feel like all of society is doomed."
• Grey and Brady discuss their adventures while filming Mile of Pi:
  • Brady: "The runway had a big giant hedge running along one side, and then at the end of the runway it turned in a right angle to cover the end of the runway. So it was this big right-angled hedge. And buried in this right angle was the fuselage of an old plane that had its wings removed, and it was in bad condition. It looked a mess, and I assume it's used for training, or spare parts, I don't know. But it looked pretty bad, and it was in the corner… So it was Plane Crash Corner!"
  • Grey got his hands dirty figuratively and literally: "Those cones were in some kind of typhoid swamp water at the end of the runway. It was just awful. All I kept thinking of was, 'Oh God, dude, just don't cut your hands on anything here. You don't want this water touching your circulatory system. Who knows what's in here?'"

Episode 28

• The intro: (Grey) "I am rolling, go four claps." (Brady) "Here you go, I am gonna give you…three and a half." (Grey) "There's no half–" (Brady) "One, two, three, and then…" [much quieter clap] (Grey) "That's not three and a half claps, that's four claps." (Brady) "No, that last one was just me flicking one finger on the palm of my hand."
  • Brady using his "nerd voice" (very nasally and pompous) to mock Grey: "Technically, a half clap would be just using one hand!"
• More nerd voice: "Oh, you said January 30, so technically, you were wrong!" "…Let's not do this. Let's not do this, Brady."

Episode 29

• The intro: Brady congratulates Grey for masterful editing in the previous episode, and apologizes for asking him to make some particular cuts: "Yeah, but nobody noticed, there's no reason for you to draw attention to this now, so I'm just going to cut this out as well."
• First dialogue after the jingle:
  Grey: Well, let's find out. [starts typing]
  Brady: You're not Googling if 29's a prime number, are you?
  Grey: [still typing] I would, I would, I would, uhh, I would never do that.
• In the previous episode, Brady mentioned the habit some people have of signing their text messages with x's and o's, and Grey had no idea what he was talking about. Grey brings up this conversation:
  "So a couple days later, my wife listens to the podcast, and comes back to me with a piece of feedback. Which is…that she does sign her messages to me, very frequently, with x's and o's. And I said to her, 'No you don't. I've never seen x's and o's.' And then of course, I ended up having to look at this on my phone, and sure enough, lots of her messages to me end with 'x' and 'o'. And I swear, it's like my brain just never saw this. I never registered it at all, which is why in our conversation together, I could simply say something like, 'No, my wife doesn't do this, I don't have any idea what you're talking about', even though I've seen it probably hundreds of times in our married life together."
• Grey: "Kids are just like people."
• Grey: "You could beat a man to death with a mechanical keyboard."

Episode 31

• At the beginning of the episode, Brady explains that Audrey (his chihuahua) is snoring loud enough that he's worried it'll ruin the audio, so he has to gently nudge her with a baseball bat to wake her up. Though he stresses that he's not hitting her, Grey delights in characterizing it as beating up his dog.
• Grey tells a story about how he burned his hand. In brief: He spilled scalding hot coffee all over his hand, and the pain was so intense that he threw his mug at a wall, where it shattered and created a spectacular coffee stain.

Episode 32

• The intro (Brady): "If you ever hear my voice when we're not recording, this is how I talk: [screechy voice] 'Bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh!' And then as soon as I do the claps, you get this silky smooth…awesome…whatever…thing."
• Grey swearing is always funny, but this one takes the cake:
  • "But let's say, on the Reddit… Or, on the internet, like you do, you're getting into some huge argument, and you want to call someone a f—king…c—ksucking…c—t."
    • "I'll have to bleep that." "I think you'll be getting the beeps out there, big time."

Episode 34

• Grey has noticed that suddenly, all the pubs, restaurants, and cafés he goes to now recognize him as a regular:
  Brady: That's nice though, isn't it? Isn't that a nice thing?
  Grey: I can't go to any of these places anymore, now.
  • Grey tells a story about how much he doesn't like the attention you get when employees know you: A customer in front of Grey threatened to report a Starbucks employee over some nonsense, and Grey helped him out by writing to Starbucks about his version of the story. From that point on, the Starbucks employee was the nicest guy in the world to Grey…which involved giving him special treatment and attention that he didn't want. So Grey figured out what the employee's schedule was, "… and as far as I know, I haven't been back to that Starbucks in about two and a half years now, on a Friday or a weekend."
• "America, as you may have learned, is very big. We even have different weather in different locations, in our country." "I told you about that last podcast. Don't pretend that you were the one who figured that out." "Ah, that's true, I did not figure that out. I needed you to tell me. That a three-and-a-half-thousand-mile-long country has different weather in different locations."
• Brady: "I never underestimate how stupid people can be when it comes to space stuff."
• At the very beginning of the episode, Grey has just asked Brady to stop touching his microphone while they're recording. Brady insists that he doesn't touch it, so Grey says he's going to listen for it and tell him when he's doing it. They talk for at least two hours without incident. Then, with less than two minutes left on the podcast:
  [there is a shifting sound while Brady is talking]
  Grey: You're touching your microphone right now, by the way.
  Brady: [astonished] You're right, I did! I did!
  Grey: [mock surprise] Ohh, look at that. Hmmm.
  Brady: I rotated the base! You're amazing!

Episode 35

• The title: "Are My Teeth Real?"
  • Jet lag-induced sleep disturbance fries Grey's brain so much that this happens: "I apologize if I've been a little bit weird on this podcast, because I feel like I'm in a dream state right now, like this isn't quite real. Everything feels weird. It's like, is Brady real? Am I real? Even at this very moment, like…my teeth don't feel real…"
  • "Let's move onto some topics. I think after an hour and a half, we've done enough follow-up and catch-up. Let's actually talk about stuff." "Oh, have we not? I don't even know what we're doing anymore. [feigning panic] Where am I?!" "Grey, just listen to me, just listen to me for one moment: Your teeth are real." "I swear to God, they feel like they're not. They feel all fuzzy."
• The intro (Grey): "I'll just warn you in advance that if you find yourself talking during the podcast, and then you realize that I am not here, it is probably because I have gone into the next room to throw up."
  • In addition to frying his brain, jet lag-induced sleep disturbance also tends to make Grey throw up. Apparently this happens pretty consistently.
• Brady and Grey have both been travelling recently, so to Grey it feels as though it's been a long time since they last spoke:
  Brady: Does it feel different when you're further away from me? Do you feel it? Like do you feel a separation, a distance?
  Grey: [completely deadpan] There is a longing in my heart for you, Brady. And the further apart we are, the stronger it grows. Without a doubt.
  Brady: I dunno, I don't believe you.
  Grey: I don't understand why you wouldn't believe me. It's like our souls are connected with a rubber band. And the further apart we are, the stronger that feeling grows. That's how I feel about you.
  Brady: Is this how you talk to your wife? With this much sincerity?
  Grey: [sheepishly] Uh… [both laugh]
  Brady: [in a droning, stilted voice] "I love you more than life itself."
• Grey and Brady have a conversation about how the small (and usually free/cheap) extras that companies might offer their customers can make the customer disproportionately happy; and then Brady mentions being grumpy:
  Brady: We'll see what happens. That depends on you. That depends on how much you help me. On how much you work with me on my anecdotes, and how much you work against me with just being silent and going "I don't understand what you're talking about. What's the point of this?"
  Grey: Well, I'm going to give you…I'm gonna give you…a free flower emoji, right now. Here you go. Sent you a free flower emoji. Does that make you happy? [Brady laughs] Yeah? D'you like that?
  Brady: D'you know what?
  Grey: What?
  Brady: That worked!
  [Grey laughs his head off]
  • "I'm gonna make a little screengrab of it. …Aw, why can't I do that? Now I'm grumpy again."
  • "I can't believe that meaningless token gesture worked." "It's really sweet. I've made a little screengrab of it, and I'll show it to people. I knew we were soulmates. I said we weren't, but we are." "Deep down you know, Brady."
• "Are you just going to compare everything now to the Burj Khalifa?" "Uh, yes. Yes, I am." "Then you are going to be disappointed at literally every other human structure." "Yes."
• "I looked at the pictures and I thought, 'Boy, that looks great, and that also looks like an architect's wet dream that they have designed but will probably never come to reality.'"
• Brady tells Grey about Australia winning the Cricket World Cup, and ends up disappointed that he didn't ask him any good questions. Grey struggles to think up a question: "…Is the…trophy pretty? Is there a trophy?"
  • Grey looks up the trophy: "Is this supposed to be a cricket ball, I guess? Are there balls in cricket?" "…You know, it never, ever ceases to amaze me how little you know about sport."
  • Brady and Grey argue about the terminology of how the ball is handled (bowled vs. thrown): "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, cricket. You're just wrong. It's not bowling."
  • "I have agreed at some stage to go to a cricket game with you. In which I can probably ask an endless series of infuriating questions. And that very well might be the end of our friendship." "D'you know what, I can't think of anything more pleasurable than sitting at the cricket, and just being asked questions about cricket for 8 hours. That's like my dream day." "You say this now, my friend…"
• Grey's ad read for Harry's: "Depending on where you try to shop, sometimes razors are behind a counter, and then you have to wait for a dude… And sometimes, you'll even have to make uncomfortable small talk with the dude. And that…that is just the worst. I would pay to not have that experience."
• Previously, Brady proclaimed himself the hero of people who don't drink coffee (based on listener response). They discuss the possibility of erecting a statue in his honour, and then Grey proclaims himself the hero of introverts (also based on listener response):
  Brady: There does seem something wrong with public acclamation, and a statue for someone, celebrating their introversion.
  Grey: Yeah, I'm not quite sure how you would do that statue. Maybe the statue would actually be… It would be a house, and you can only see it from the outside, and the actual statue is on the inside. That would be a monument to introversion. That's how that would work.
• Grey explains why he loves Las Vegas: "It feels like it's really true to itself. Like, 'We are going to have crazy resorts that would make no sense anywhere else in the world.' Like, 'Oh, we're going to build New York City inside of a city.' Yeah, let's do that, that's a great idea. 'We're going to have a gigantic pyramid just down the block.' Thumbs up, this is a great idea."
• Grey almost never gambles, but sometimes buys lottery tickets: "I haven't bought them recently, because I think… I think you could make a graph of 'How sad do I feel about my life' and 'How often have I purchased lottery tickets', and those two things are super highly correlated. Like in my final, terrible, terrible year of teaching, which was perhaps the worst year of my adult life, I'm pretty sure I bought a lottery ticket every Friday."
• Grey and Brady argue about how much a person should know about pop culture, and they end up trying to name famous paintings. Grey: "I can name paintings too! Uh… 'The Door'… 'The Grand Latte'… The 'iPhone Plus' painting…that one's very famous. …I'm looking around my room, trying to think of things…"
• When something's wrong with the plane before takeoff, Grey would rather that pilots not give any details:
  Grey: When you're flying over the endless, deadly Atlantic Ocean … I'm trying to sleep, but I will wake up and just suddenly think about, "Thousands of feet below you is an endless black abyss of nothingness."
  Brady: It's not nothing! It's a whole lot of water and fish and…
  Grey: Yeah. Things that can eat you, and cold death by exposure. And I think that on flights anyway, but then to have in addition, "Oh, I wonder if they really taped that leak up good or not", this is not something that I really want to know about.
• Grey hates how pilots make announcements about mundane, unnecessary things (like the weather at your destination), and how loud they are in your earphones: "It's like, oh, I'm sorry, I have tinnitus, I value my eardrums! I can't be exposed to random loud sounds! That includes your voice, pilot dude, telling me about what the weather is 8 hours from now in Las Vegas!"
  • "Oh God, we are such grumpy old men." "We are grumpy old men."
• Grey gets extremely worked up about how much hassle is caused by the fact that airports give little or no indication of what you need to take out of your bags at security, and the rules seem to change every time: "You could fix this! You could fix it with a F—KING SIGN!"
• The stinger:
  Grey: I can hear you drinking over there.
  Brady: Well what am I supposed to do?! You edit that out! That's like your job!
  Grey: Yeah, I know that's my job!
  Brady: Well then what's the point of telling me you heard me?!
  Grey: I – I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry. I have no idea why that just happened. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Now I have this whole section to edit out.
  • "At least I haven't touched my microphone yet."

Episode 36

• Brady tells a story about how he's bumped into Derek from Veritasium more than once whilst travelling; he just happened to be in the same place. Grey offers an explanation:
  Grey: What I was just thinking is, Derek travels so much that he's like a quantum waveform over all the cities of the world at once. And so there must always be a non-zero chance that Derek is in any particular city at any particular time.
  Brady: Or maybe it's a bit more Schrödinger, and he's in two places at the same time!
  Grey: Right, right. But then you observe him in Boston, and so suddenly he's in Boston, and he's not in the other places that he could be.
  Brady: So if I'd been in San Francisco, I could've had dinner with him there as well.
  Grey: Yes, you could've had dinner with him in San Francisco. Like, there's an infinite number of universes where he's sending out messages that he's in all of the various cities. And it just collapses to the one where you are. So I think maybe bumping into Derek all over the world is much less unlikely than we might first assume.
• Brady reports on Derek's response to his running joke of deliberately messing up his name (e.g. "Dirk from Veristablium"):
  Brady: He expressed a lot of gratitude to me for starting this whole "Dirk" thing. … He really appreciates it, and said, "Keep it up. I really enjoy all the comments and things that happen as a result," he said.
  Grey: Yeah? If I message him now, is that what I'm gonna hear from Derek? I don't think it is!
  Brady: He may not remember saying it…
  Grey: Ohhh, okay! I think I might be hearing a different story from Derek of Veritasium, if I actually message him directly, I think. You are full of lies, Brady. Full of lies.
• Brady tries to recycle the term "lagniappe" ("something given as a bonus or extra gift") to refer to bonus videos on his channel. Grey does not approve.
  Grey: I don't have any lagniappe videos! I will never have a lagniappe video! That's never going to happen! I'll have footnotes, I'll have extra videos, I'll have bonus videos! But not lagniappe videos, because that doesn't make any sense and it's a terrible reappropriation! [beat] No! I can hear you breathing in! No, whatever you've got, I do not approve of this, this will not happen.
• Grey tells us about how he survived playing baseball in school: "I had to play it in gym, and I would always remember, far left field is the position that you want when you play in gym and you don't want to participate in this sport. I would always go for far left field, and then just stand out there…daydreaming… And then every once in a while, the ball would come near me, and like, 'Ohhh, God.'"
  • He also tells us about his brief stint on the track team:
    Brady: I can't imagine your running action. I just can't imagine what that would be like.
    Grey: It's amazing, Brady. I don't like to run, but when I do run it is majestic. … It's like watching Tom Cruise run. It's just amazing. It's cinematic, is what it is.
• Brady explains why he finds it awkward to find himself in the bra section while clothes shopping with his wife:
  Brady: I'm quite tactile when I'm shopping, so I like to stroke all the fabric and stuff. … So if I'm looking at dresses and that, I feel quite comfortable sort of stroking all the dresses and the fabric, to see what they're like. But if I'm in the bra section, I feel like I will look a bit wrong if I'm, like, stroking…stroking…underwear?
  Grey: [probably sarcastic, but who knows] Nooo, nooo! Brady, you have to touch it, to know the quality of the material! So I don't see… You should definitely go ahead with this behavior.
  • Grey can't help Brady with his conundrum, because: "Many, many years ago, before I met the woman who would become my wife, when I was involved in relations with other women, I remember getting dragged along for clothes shopping. … I just went along with this, because that's what you see everybody else do. … But one day, there was a particular shopping trip, which lasted a very long time … I feel like it was a full workday's worth of shopping … I was pushed over my limit, and I decided, 'Hey, wait a minute. I don't have to do this. … If someone asks me to go clothing shopping with them, the answer is just no! No, I'm not going clothing shopping!' … So from that day onward, I have not gone clothing shopping with any of the partners in my life."
• Brady: "So…let's do…topics. … The top topic here says 'Brady is frustrating'."
  • Grey wants Brady to take notes whenever he's doing something interesting, so they can talk about it on the podcast. Brady always refuses. "Because you disrespect the audience. That's why you don't take notes."
  • Brady argues that he wouldn't need to take notes if Grey were a better interviewer. "You know I'm a terrible interviewer! … I am the worst, and… What you do when you interview people, to me, seems like witchcraft. I have no idea what's happening or how you do it."
• The title drop: Grey prefers analog displays to digital ones because of the visual aspect of it. "So if you'd grown up with clocks which showed the face of a bear when it was 3 o'clock, and then the face of a giraffe when it was 4 o'clock, and…" "Yeah, I'm sure I'd be thinking, 'Oh, it's almost bear o'clock now, thank God.'"
• "This is all a sideshow of us just bickering like old ladies."
• "Let's go clothes shopping." "I would love to…not go clothes shopping with you, Brady. That would never happen."

Episode 37

• Brady and Grey recount their "penguin fundraiser/watch Star Wars with David Prowse" event:
  • Brady had a baby penguin named after Grey, as a surprise. He had two chicks to choose from: "And the decision was made so easy by the fact that there was one, big, fat, very grey, fluffy penguin, called Grey, with a grey number tag on its wing, just sitting there next to its dad, doing nothing. And the other one was nowhere to be seen. The other one was off having adventures."
    • "The other penguin, having adventures, is informally named Brady." "That's not the case, but the big fat slow one, doing nothing, procrastinating…" "Yes? Is this how you think of me?" "Asking for its father to vomit into its mouth." "Augh, eugh…" "That is CGP Grey."
  • "The skill to being a chicken sexer is being able to quickly identify the sex of a chicken."
    • "I thought they'd do that with the penguins, but I think they like to touch them as little as possible …" "I'm sure CGP Grey the penguin would also prefer to be touched as little as possible."
  • Brady challenges listeners to go to Bristol Zoo and find CGP Grey the penguin, acknowledging that as it grows it will look less grey and thus less distinctive. "This is going to be the hardest Where's Waldo? ever … The challenge is on easy mode now, so if you wanna practise while it's easy, now is the time to go… And then you can go later and show off your amazing penguin identifying skills later on."
  • "Do you feel any kind of attachment or bond? Are you now curious about this penguin's future? Or are you just like, 'Whatever, you stupid Brady'? Do you think you'll go to the zoo again to see it or anything?" "This is the crazy irrational thing that does work, where I think, 'Oh, yes, for nonsensical reasons, I do feel like, "I hope that penguin turns out okay."'"
  • "I feel like CGP Grey the penguin would vastly prefer the easy zoo life, than living in South Africa. That might be much harder."
  • "Have you told your family about it yet?" "Okay, so I did tell my family about it, and particularly when I was telling my parents, the very first question out of their mouth was, 'Why didn't Brady get a penguin?' That was the first question."
  • The zoo went a step further, and made Brady the official adopter of CGP Grey the penguin. So now Brady is Grey's dad. He has an adoption certificate and everything. "You have parental responsibilities now!" "It's somewhere between a real birth certificate and having a Cabbage Patch Kid."
  • "What Grey will do with his [certificate] … well, who knows. Who knows if he even still has it. But I'm sure even robot Grey couldn't throw that one in the trash." "It is in my wife's handbag as we speak."
  • While they were at the zoo's public talk:
    Brady: CGP Grey [the penguin] was just hiding in the corner with his mum or dad. He or she did not partake of the fish, 'cause Grey's too young for that sort of thing. But all the other penguins were just freaking out and eating tons and tons of fish.
    Grey: I do have to say, that is the moment that I felt the closest to CGP Grey the penguin, was when there was a huge, huge amount of activity, and hustle and bustle, going on in this penguin arena, and he or she decided that the corner was the best place to be. The corner, behind a bush, basically…by himself.
  • The zookeeper thanked Hello Internet for coming and giving their support: "She'd obviously been told to say this, and clearly had no idea what Hello Internet was, and it sounded like the most robotic thank you … And yet I felt strangely proud. I was like, 'Oh wow, we're a real thing now, because a zookeeper said us to a crowd of people.'"
  • Grey, on meeting David Prowse: "It was great, I got a chance to shake the hand of a man who has crushed many people's throats through telekinesis. It was quite the honor."
  • Grey and Brady both emphasize more than once what a beautiful day it was, before eventually reminding us that they were there to watch Star Wars: "Although it was a beautiful day, we did what all kind of nerdy people do, and went inside to watch videos." "Honestly, that did feel like the most perfect moment. 'Look at this beautiful day! We're gonna go inside and watch a movie!'"
  • Grey: "To be fair, of the two of us, I would probably say that you are the bigger Star Wars fan. I think if we could rank…Star Warsitude…you would be higher on this than I am."
  • "You live on the outer rim planets, so you have no cell phone connection anywhere in that town, as far as I can tell."
  • Grey and Brady were very adamant that they were going to watch the despecialized edition of Star Wars. Grey sent Brady his copy of it, and Brady passed it onto the zoo, and impressed upon them the importance of playing this version. Sadly, as they got further into the movie, it became clear that something had gone very wrong, and somehow they were watching the special edition after all. Grey was horrified, believing it was his fault:
    "I somehow messed this up, and all I was thinking of is one of our earlier conversations, where I talk about how I don't have any regrets… This is going to be one of the things that I will regret until the end of time. I made people watch the specialized edition… Not only that, I made David Prowse, Darth Vader himself, watch the specialized edition! And if it couldn't be any worse, to add one additional dagger into my heart, there were three people with us that day, who had never seen Star Wars. Absolute Star Wars virgins. And what do they see for the first time? The specialized edition."
    • YMMV on whether this makes it funnier or not, but during parts of that, he almost sounds like he's going to cry. It is at least somewhat darkly funny that one of the few things that makes Grey genuinely emotional is accidentally showing people the wrong edition of Star Wars.
• After they have a conversation about death: "Let's move to a topic that is much calmer, will not incite any emotion, people will be totally cool with…and that is…the UK general election." "Yes, let's talk politics now! This will be the nice way to calm down, is let's discuss politics!"
  • Grey didn't know that the UK general election was happening until about a week or two prior, because Brady mentioned it on the previous podcast. He pretended to know what Brady was talking about, whilst scribbling a note to himself to look up the date.
  • Grey wasn't going to vote, because he had lots of errands to run that day. Then he happened to walk past a polling station, and decided to vote simply because it was so close; but when he discovered he couldn't vote there, and instead had to vote at a specific station, he once again decided against it, because it was out of his way. Then, on the way home, he decided to go after all, purely because he hadn't filled his walking quota yet. ("Entirely to fill a ring on my Apple Watch, I walked past my house, and to the polling station.") But then it turned out his name wasn't on their list, and he had to go to yet a third location. It happened to be right around the corner, so he went there…only to be told his name wasn't listed there either.
    • "As a person who had no intention to vote, I ended up walking to three polling stations to try and vote, was not able to vote at any of them. But luckily it doesn't matter, because my vote would not affect the election anyway. And it worked out well, because I was able to close all of my Apple Watch activity loops."

Episode 38

• The intro (Grey): "First of all, I would… I would probably pay you to not stick a fork into your leg."
• A long time ago, Grey and Brady made a joke about surgeons listening to the podcast while performing surgery. Recently they heard from a Redditor who claims that it's not uncommon for surgeons to listen to audiobooks during routine surgeries. Grey understands the rationale for it (it keeps them from getting bored and losing focus), but still finds the idea terrifying.
  Brady: They did say that they have actually been doing surgery listening to our podcast now, as well.
  Grey: I hope that is not true. I really hope, if you're a surgeon, that you are not listening to this podcast during surgery. It makes me want to be very serious all the time, so we don't accidentally say anything that could be remotely funny to any human. Because I'm just imagining a surgeon with their knife in a precarious location, and suddenly "Ahaha!", and it plunges the knife into sensitive pieces? No, this is no good. Please don't listen to the podcast, surgeons.
  Brady: Tweet Grey if you're doing surgery right now.
  Grey: [laughs] I like that image, of the surgeon with the scalpel in one hand, and their iPhone 6 in the other hand, trying to awkwardly reach around the screen, like "Oh, hah, let me tweet right now!" Oh no. It's no good. It's no good at all.
• On the subject of how handily lies spread through the internet, Grey mentions a joke he once made in a video that "Australia is full of spiders." Then he discovers that it has rained spiders in Australia, more than once.
• Grey reveals that he hates jellyfish: "I guess it's fine if they're not the stinging kind. But the stinging kind are no good. You find horrible stinging kinds on the beach in Hawaii. It's like, oh yeah, you can't touch that, because you will experience pain like no human has ever experienced before. And like, oh, okay, great, can we kill all of these things? Is there a way that we can kill them? Because I would be okay with that."
  • Whilst discussing the myth that urine will help a jellyfish sting, Brady asks if Grey would do it if it were true:
    Grey: If it would work, yeah, of course, because it seems like getting stung by a jellyfish is horrible. … You have to weigh the situation that you're in. I have a man-of-war, and it's wrapped around my arm, and we just had to pull it off, and my whole arm just feels like it's on fire. If someone peeing on my arm would make my arm feel better, it's like please, can everybody just urinate all over my arm right now? Just everybody… Just get in a little circle, and let's just do this right now, because I want to die from the excruciating pain.
• Grey and Brady decide to discuss the New Zealand flag referendum. Brady gives his opinion on what the flag should be, and Grey says, "Boom. I could not agree with you more, Brady." After a beat, Brady replies, "…Well that's no fun."
• They discuss the horrible marketing design of the 2012 London Olympics. Grey says of the mascots (which are supposed to be droplets of steel): "I don't think anybody could look at these things and not think they are…metallic one-eyed penis monsters. There's no other way to describe these creatures. They're horrifying."
• Brady, on letting the audience ask questions after a speech: "There are two things you should never do. You should never put a microphone at the front and invite people to come forward to the microphone to ask questions. 'Cause that attracts nutters, and it doesn't attract normal people … And the other thing you never do, is call on people who are wearing hats. People who are wearing hats always ask ridiculous, stupid, or…questions that should not be asked."
• They move onto the Australian flag. Grey soberly concludes: "I think Australia has an obvious choice, in that the new Australian flag should have, again, a red earth, for the ground… And then above it, it should just show a cloud…raining spiders down on a terrified population. That should be the Australian flag."
• Grey tries to describe the design of Oskar Pernefeldt's "International Flag of Planet Earth": "If you imagine a single ring in the middle, and then overlapping around it there are six additional rings, so seven in total, and the rings are white." "You really need to look at this, people." "No, this is perfectly adequate description."
• They discuss the design principles of a hypothetical world flag. Brady thinks it shouldn't be a symbol of the planet, because any other planet that designed a world flag could legitimately have a similar design. Grey: "If you want it to be what's unique about us, then it should be a flag of a monkey."
  • "I totally agree with you that if we're having some kind of United Federation of Planets, everybody's going to show up with their circle on a black background with the colors of their planet flag, and it's like, 'Oh, this is embarrassing for everybody, oh, what a shame.'"
• The end of the episode. Brady is usually pretty non-extreme in his opinions, especially compared to Grey, but there are some exceptions:
  Brady: The people listening already know what we decided. … I love it. I love that they are more powerful than us right now. I almost feel like… I feel subservient to them at the moment, because they know something I don't know.
  Grey: They aren't more powerful, they're just in the future.
  Brady: Well that kinda does make you more powerful, doesn't it?
  Grey: I guess, but they're not more powerful right now. They're existing somewhere in the world as we are recording this…
  Brady: Yeah, I mean they don't even know we're recording this; they're nothing to us right now.
  Grey: …See, you swing in these wild extremes! "Oh, the listeners, they're vastly more powerful!" And then suddenly, "The listeners, they're nothing!"
  Brady: I'm a black and white kinda guy, and you, my friend, are grey.

Episode 39

• In the previous episode, during a discussion about how misconceptions spread through the internet — such as the myth that urine will help a jellyfish sting — Grey mentioned that urine is sterile. In this episode, it's revealed that this itself is a common misconception, which Grey mistakenly believed.
• Grey mailed Brady the certificate he was given when CGP Grey the penguin was named.
  • "This is a shining testament to how much you really will not accumulate things."
  • "I sent you a video of me scanning the certificate in my house, and you immediately replied warning me not to throw it away, and I promised you that I wouldn't… And I knew then exactly what I was going to do."
• Grey, on Brady's attempt to expand the definition of "lagniappe": "I feel like people like you must be how languages split apart over time. … Almost as though if we had enough time on this podcast, if there was an infinite amount of time stretching before us, at the end of that infinity of time, you would just be speaking an entire language constructed of your own words."
  • "Grey, give me another 20 episodes, mate. That's all I need!"
• "Wait, I-I'm agreeing with you. I'm saying that the taxi driver is not required to wear a seatbelt." "Oh, oh, oh, sorry! It does say that, does it? Are you saying I was right?" "I am saying that you are right!" "Sorry, I'm in shock! I've never been right before! I just assumed you were gonna tell me I was wrong!"
  • "Hang on. I'm just writing this down. 4th of June, 2015…"
    • "This has happened at least once before."
• "We do have the additional problem that we can't see each other right now. And that we're just constantly aware that other people are listening to us talk. So…dead air is a big problem, so we have to keep talking." "Well, no — dead air is your problem."

Episode 40

• This is a special episode where Grey and Brady met in person and recorded the podcast on video at the Royal Society. (Their faces aren't in-frame, though.)
  Grey: I'm really freaking out…because I can literally reach over the microphone and touch your face! [reaches over the microphone and touches his face]
  Brady: D'you know what's strange? While I've been setting up I haven't actually looked up at you yet, and now I've just looked at you, and I feel really weird. So if it's alright with you, I'm just gonna look at my feet the whole time.
• Grey is feeling a bit high-strung, both because he wasn't prepared for this, and because it's weird doing the podcast face-to-face with Brady:
  Grey: It's exhausting being in front of you! I'm not gonna lie! This is very strange!
  Brady: You still look a bit freaked out, so I'm hoping you'll chill out soon.
  Grey: I'm very relaxed.
  Brady: You're relaxed.
  Grey: …I'm not relaxed.
• As usual, Brady claims that Grey "isn't a fan of objects". Once again, Grey clarifies his position, which is that he doesn't like objects in his house, but does enjoy objects in general:
  Brady: I'm not hearing a word you say, all I'm thinking is, "This guy hates objects."
  Grey: I know! I know that's all you hear! I might as well be one of the parents in Charlie Brown right now. Every time I try to explain this, it's just "Wah wah-wah-wah-wah."
• As they flip through a book, Grey slips and tells the listeners that they're "scrolling through" the book.
• They examine an old voting mechanism that the Royal Society used to elect Fellows, and discuss the origin of the term "blackballing". Brady demonstrates by pretending to vote on Grey. "Did I just blackball you?" "I would hope that you blackballed me, because I would just be a terrible Fellow. I have done nothing to earn that honor."
  • "You gonna open your hand, or what? …You did blackball me! Even though I wanted you to, suddenly I feel really angry about it!"
• Brady tells Grey about a 1930s German ambassador whose dog, Giro, died and still has a gravestone here:
  Grey: Did Giro have a Facebook page and slow-motion videos? [Brady's dog has both]
  Brady: If it was my dog it would've, but I don't think the German ambassador was so big on social media, so…
  Grey: Well, that's probably why they lost the war.

Episode 41

• Grey: "I'm with you on this. When someone says 'explorer', I'm thinking of a person with a vessel and a flag. One hand on the steering wheel, the other hand holding the flag, looking for something that no one has ever seen before."
  • "And preferably I'd like them to have a sword as well." "Yes. A sword. A delightful hat. These are explorer traits."
  • "And the vessel has to be wind-driven. It can't have a motor." "Well… I think you can look pretty good with your spaceship and your space sword, and your space flag."

Episode 43

• The intro: (Brady) "I seem to be doing everything correctly. Touch wood. But not too often, 'cause you get upset when I touch the wood." (Grey) "I get upset when you touch your wood." (Brady) "Don't you sound all… Don't… Stop it! You're not normally that rude! You have got a rude streak sometimes, Grey!" (Grey) "I do not. I do not." (Brady) "You do. You do. You have a naughty side."
  • (Grey) "The word 'naughty' is one of these cultural differences. I think for Americans this is quite a sexy word? But for English people and Australians, it is not a sexy word?" (Brady) "No, it's like a word you use for children, like 'Don't be naughty!'" (Grey) "Yes. Yeah, I have heard this always in children contexts. Like with little kids? I don't think, no matter how long I'm here, will I ever get comfortable with listening to adults tell little children about how naughty they're being. It's like, eugh, God!"
  • "Don't make kissy faces. Don't make kissy faces." "You love it. …Sorry, I'm being naughty." "Ugh. Now I'm minimizing you."
• Brady spends the rest of the episode finding opportunities to say the word "naughty", just to bug Grey.
• Brady tells a story about sending a message to the wrong person:
  "It was around the time of my birthday, and I was messaging my mother-in-law … And I was e-mailing Destin about some contract or document I had, and he was asking me if some wording had been changed in this contract. And I was basically saying to him, 'I haven't even read it, but I doubt it will have been changed, and I think it will be the same as all the other previous drafts.' And at the same time, I had just that day received a birthday card from my mother-in-law … so I wanted to thank her for it. So I sent this message to my mother-in-law saying, 'Thank you very much for my lovely cricket card. From Brady.' And then the next message I sent, to her as well, which was meant to be to Destin, said, 'I honestly haven't looked at it, but I'm sure it won't be different from any of the others.'"
• Grey explains why he bleeps swear words on Hello Internet:
  "I bleep those words for two reasons. One of which is that to be on the iTunes Store, I don't wanna have to mark the podcast as 'explicit', which seems to ghettoize the podcasts to some extent. … But even if Apple said 'Oh we're not gonna mark explicit podcasts, we don't care, just upload whatever', I would still bleep "f—k", and "sh—t", and "c—ks—ker" … I would still bleep these words, because bleeping is funnier."
  • Grey decides to censor "naughty" for the rest of the podcast.
  • Grey puts forth the idea that people's strong reactions to swear words is what gives them their power, almost like the Streisand Effect. And he has a perfect example to use as supporting evidence: The whole reason Brady kept saying the word "naughty" throughout the episode was because he knew it made Grey uncomfortable.
  • To test his theory, Grey suggests that the listeners start "vastly overreacting to 'n—ty' as some kind of shockingly dirty sexual word", to see what happens.
• "Let me tell you a story from my past… If you're willing." "Grey, there's no room for two guys with boring anecdotes in this podcast."

Episode 44

• Grey cooing over his parents' dog, Lucy. "She is the best dog ever!"
  • Grey doesn't think anything children do is the least bit impressive, simply because they can't measure up to adults; but when Lucy watches the cursor move around on a computer screen? "You're so smart!"
  • Brady and Grey disagree over whose dog is the best: "No, this is the best dog." "No, this is the best dog." "Actually no, Lulu, you're the best dog." [cooing at Lucy] "No, Lucy is the best dog. Lucy is the best dog…"
• "I was trying to figure out if that's the furthest apart we've ever been." "Awww." "'Cause you know how you say there's that rubber band between us, and it really hurts you when we're far apart?" "…Do I say that?" "Yeah, I'm sure you've said something like that before." "Hmm. Okay."
• "I got out that website that does those… How do you say it? 'Anti-podes'? 'Anti-po-dees'? How do you do it, when you look at what's on the exact opposite side of the Earth from where you are?" "Uh, Earth sandwich. That's what that is."
• "You know that night when I was sending you all those naughty pictures? She was encouraging me." "Okay, can we just… Can we just, for the listeners… We need to just establish right away what you're talking about, before people's imaginations start running wild." "I think that ship has sailed."
• Brady: "Speaking of naughtiness, who was it who, after the last podcast, immediately sent me a text message saying 'I just did that whole podcast not wearing any pants'?"
  • "That's not naughty — I was at home. And I was still wearing boxers."
• Grey's Grey-ness is hereditary:
  Grey: We have even discussed, while I was here, how everyone in the whole family does the same "Oh no, the person at Starbucks has recognized me, I can never go here again" thing. Everyone in my family does that exact same behavior. You can't go to a restaurant where the waiter knows precisely who you are.
• Everyone ran with the "naughty" censorship joke from the previous episode. "I'm all for running with a joke, as you know. There is a bit of a problem here that I don't think people are thinking about. … People really should stop saying things on Facebook and Twitter and that, along the lines of, 'Brady, I can't believe you used the N-word.'"
• "I'm thinking we're getting enough of this feedback, that very soon we need to institute a photographic proof policy of what the person's actually doing. So all of these surgeons who are apparently listening to Hello Internet, while commenting on the Reddit… I need to see a picture of your iPhone in the chest cavity of somebody that you're operating on, with Hello Internet on the screen."
• "Almost as bad, he says, 'We have to turn around and go back to Dulles.' I would have almost rather attempted a crash landing in North Carolina, than hear that we have to turn around and go back to Dulles." "Just smash it into a mountain! We'll take our chances!"
• Grey recounts his troubles with navigating Google Plus: "Every once in a while, when I log in to YouTube, I have a small heart attack, because I look on the corner, and it says 'CGP Grey', and I'm logged in, and I go to click on my videos, and there's nothing there… And every time, I go 'GAAAAASP', because my whole livelihood has just been thrown into doubt…"

Episode 48

• The intro:
  Grey: Every time I'm editing me, I always think, "Who is this idiot talking, and why does he sound so much like me?"

Episode 74

• From a discussion about phone contact icons:
  Brady: Do you have icons for everyone in your phone … or are most people iconless, or photoless?
  Grey: Yeah, I'll attach a picture. I mean, the main reason that you need the picture is so that you don't accidentally send a message to the wrong person. Like, when I'm messaging with your wife, and we're talking about you behind your back, and slagging you off, I don't want to accidentally send a message to you.