Funny / Harry Potter and the Nightmares of Futures Past

• Chapter 1:
  • Harry announces his successful soul merger to Hedwig... only to get no response, as he hasn't actually named his owl yet in the new timeline.
  • Harry reintroduces himself (from his perspective) to Fred and George Weasley by tricking them into thinking his Hogwarts letter warned him about them specifically.
  • The canon joke about the twins sending Ginny a Hogwarts toilet seat is escalated here by Fred claiming they'll get Harry to sign it.
• Chapter 2: This time around, Snape grilling Harry on potion ingredients includes him asking what ginger root's used for. Harry annoys him by mentioning that in addition to its magical uses, it tastes good in stir-fry.
• Chapter 3: Apparently, the reason Neville's toad kept escaping was because he was hungry.
• Chapter 5: Harry thinks that attributing his having a supposedly forbidden broomstick to Malfoy's actions when the latter complains about it is just as great a response as the first time he used it.
• Chapter 6: After receiving initialed sweaters as Christmas presents, Fred and George take to nicknaming themselves Gred and Forge. The narration follows suit and occasionally refers to them by the nicknames afterwards.
• Chapter 19:
  • Harry weasels his way out of having his picture taken with Lockhart by ducking and dropping out of view at the last second. That evening, Harry trades a few pictures of himself to Colin Creevy for the resulting picture of Lockhart staring at his own armpit, as he considers owning a less-than-perfect picture of the man to be a petty form of revenge.
  • Harry and his friends do well at stopping the Cornish pixies, though he refuses to do anything about the ones harassing Lockhart until they steal the professor's wand and chase him under his desk. Once the noise dies down, Lockhart takes it as a sign it's safe to emerge from underneath the desk, only to get hit in the eye by a pixie Harry punched in an act of desperation. When the story is told to Ginny at dinner, she laughs so hard that she nearly falls off her seat.
• Chapter 20: Dumbledore's musings on Harry's nature get interrupted by his office's guard gargoyle informing him that an angry person is approaching. Dumbledore checks the time and confirms that "yes, the second year Gryffindor-Slytherin Potions class had just ended", implying that Harry's managed to piss off Snape again.
• Chapter 21:
  • After Harry gets back from telling Percy why Neville flipped out earlier that day, he's dismayed to find that in the few minutes he's been out of the room, Fred and George set up a betting pool on how many times he'd hex Percy.
  • Harry contemplates the possibility of getting Sirius out of Azkaban by telling Fred and George that one of their heroes is locked up there and letting them take it from there, but decides against it because "the Ministry might need that prison again some day."
  • Hermione determines that Luna is nearsighted. When informed of this, Luna comments that she was hoping she "could hold out for farsighted".
• Chapter 22:
  • When Snape begins to step up his use of Legilimency during Harry's second year, Ginny and Luna trick him into using it on Luna, giving Snape a bit of a headache.
  • During his bout with Draco Malfoy at the Dueling Club, Harry makes a point of angling his Shield Charms such that Malfoy's spells rebound and hit his own cronies. By the time Draco is disarmed, Pansy Parkinson's face is covered in boils, Goyle is uncontrollably dancing, Crabbe has been knocked out, and Professor Snape's hair has received an unexpected trim.
• Chapter 23: Hermione is about to cast a warming charm on Ginny at Platform 9¾, but is told off for using magic outside of school by Ron. Harry is weirded out by Ron being the one to tell Hermione to follow the rules.
• Chapter 25: Fred and George decided to prank Harry and Ginny by sending the former the latter's infamous Valentine poem. Harry and Ginny's payback? A Valentine in their name to Melissa Bulstrode, a Slytherin Prefect known for having decked a unicorn, resulting in them gaining a scary Abhorrent Admirer built like a wrestler. The best part? Melissa saw through it, but figured out they deserved it for something and decided to have fun.
• Chapter 27:
  • Despite all the changes, Lockhart is still hit by his own Memory Charm. Harry's reaction is to decide that "Fate can have him."
  • Once Ron figures out who Tom Riddle is, his first reaction is to incredulously ask "This ponce is Voldemort?"
  • Harry says that the memory of Tom Riddle actually looks presentable, as opposed to later in life when he "looked like something that escaped from one of Snape's preserving jars."
  Neville: That's pretty bad, Harry.
  Luna: Don't blame Harry. It's not his fault this silly boy wanted his outsides to look like his insides.
• Chapter 28:
  • Luna's Brutal Honesty about her attraction to Neville is made of this. For example, Luna doesn't understand aerial tag.
    Luna: What if I want Neville to catch me?
  • This exchange:
    Luna: (to Neville) Good. I was hoping you weren't going to be too much of a boy about it.
    Ron: What's that supposed to mean?
    Ginny: It means when you listen in on private conversations, you hear things you probably shouldn't.
    Ron: How was that a private conversation? They're both sitting right there!
    Hermione: Was she talking to you?
    Ron: Er, no.
    Ginny: Then it was a private conversation.
    Harry: Mate, I think you're outnumbered.
    Ron: How can they-?
  • Harry uses his prototype flash-bang spell to great effect in fighting off Slytherins who don't want him playing in the next Quidditch match. it isn't until they're all knocked out that Harry realizes the spell also broke several of the windows facing the courtyard the brawl took place in.
    Harry: Bugger.
• Chapter 29: This exchange, which is also a call-back to the last chapter:
  Ron: There’s something else you should teach a class on, Harry.
  Harry: What’s that?
  Ron: How to talk to upset witches without getting hexed.
  Harry: Come on, it's not that hard.
  Ron: Maybe not for you, Mr. Smooth.
  Ginny: What's not hard?
  Ron: Talking to you when you’re mad about something, without getting hexed.
  Ginny: (angry and reaching for her wand) Ron, I do not go around — how could you say such a thing?
  Ron: Shouldn’t listen in on private conversations, now, should you?
• From Chapter 34:
  Hermione: What if you get struck by lightning?
  Ron: Hope the broom doesn't explode between your legs?
• From Chapter 38, Luna produces a Patronus...in the shape of a duck-billed platypus. When Ron congratulates her on having an imaginary animal for a Patronus, Hermione tells him that no, it's actually a real animal. He doesn't believe a word of it. Luna is completely straight faced, but Harry laughs so hard he almost passes out.
• In chapter 39 Harry decides to make a joke about Ron's supposed status as Heir of Gryffindor and Colin's belief no teacher would dare give him a failing grade:
  Harry (impersonating McGonagall): Mister Weasley, in light of your... heritage... I will accept nothing less than your best work in my class. Is that understood?
  (everyone laughs for a few moments, then stops laughing at once)
  Harry: (facepalm) She walked up right behind me as I said that, didn't she?
• In chapter 41:
  • Barty Crouch Jr steals Harry's wand and tries to kill him. Unfortunately for him, what Harry had in his pocket was one of the twins' fake wands. The image of Barty Crouch Jr wielding a bouquet of flowers like a wand becomes quite the hilarious scene.
  • In the aftermath of the attack, Harry amusedly sees that the Aurors are very carefully stepping around Ron. Who gets recognized by the Bulgarian Aurors as "sword-boy".
  • When Sirius learns Percy was the one to stun Barty Crouch Sr (who was responsible for sending Sirius to Azkaban without trial), he proceeds to give Percy a thorough tongue bath.
• In Chapter 42, Moody has become the new Professor for Defence Against the Dark Arts and has a special first lesson, consisting of hiding in a corner and attacking the students when the bell rings. As soon as she enters the classroom, Luna goes straight to where he is hiding and says "good morning"; she catches him because his Disillusionment Charm does not cover the smell of the pickled herrings he had for breakfast.

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