Funny / Halo 5: Guardians

• From the E3 2015 playthrough, the Covenant are back to speaking English. Torturing the Grunts has never been so missed:
  Grunt: (panicked) I REGRET EVERYTHING!
• According to the ESRB rating for the game, these two gems exist somewhere in dialogue:
  • "I have copulated...with your genetic progenitors!"
  • "Your father was a filthy colo and your mother was a hole in the wall!"
  • As this short compilation of dialogue from the second level demonstrates, the Covenant NPCs as a whole say some pretty funny things, like they did back in the original trilogy.
  • Here's another comp that adds subtitles as well as funny things that happen along the way.
    Meridian Militia: "The Spartan fixed me with a steamy gaze... Well, some type of gaze. I couldn't really tell with the helmet."
    Meridian Marine: "The Spartan clawed greedily at my weapon and I let it go. No piece was worth a slug in the skull."
    Enemy Grunt: "On your knees human! Beg for mercy!"
    Enemy Elite: "ROAR OF FRUSTRATION!"
    Enemy Elite: "I'm hit! And you hurt my feelings, too!"
    Enemy Grunt: (After Suicide Grunt fails a kill) "I'll never hurt humans again!"
    Enemy Elite: "Pretty sure I shot-AAAGH!!!"
    Friendly Elite: (After friendly fire) "There is glory in suffering!"
    Enemy Elite: "It's time for dying! You're dying! I'm dying-UAGH!"
    WE'RE ALL DYING!
    Master Chief: (while witnessing the Singing Grunt Easter Egg) "It's... unique..."
    Linda: "Care to Elaborate?"
    Master Chief: "No."
    Exuberant Witness: (After friendly fire) "Unacceptable! Absolutely unacceptable!"
    Exuberant Witness: (After friendly fire) "Your aim is quite commendable!"
    Exuberant Witness: (After friendly fire) "Are you shooting at me? How invigorating!
    Exuberant Witness: (After friendly fire) "Friendly Fire! What an experience!"
    Warden Eternal: (After killing a mook) "*annoyed* Cut it ouuuut! I just made those!"
  • The IWHBYD Skull lines for the Promethean Soldiers in particular turn them into stereotypical trash-talking gamers, but it's still in their deep mechanical voices.
    Promethean Soldier: "My trickshots are immeasurably dank!"^note This one is extremely ironic if said Soldier is using a homing weapon like the Boltshot or Suppressor.
    Promethean Soldier: "HACKS!"
    Promethean Soldier: "I call hacks on that!"
    Promethean Soldier: "It would seem you cannot even."
    Promethean Soldier: "You what mate?!"
    Promethean Soldier: "Get wrecked, scrub!"
    Promethean Soldier: "You nerds are getting wrecked."
• In the gameplay launch trailer, we see Locke save Buck from falling to his death out of a Pelican, leading to this exchange.
  Locke: That's twice!
  Buck: What, we're counting now?
• Buck's returning snark in general is often hilarious, especially this gem:
  A group of Covenant ships fly past the crevice that Osiris are emerging from.
  Buck: Act casual. Maybe they won't notice us.
  • Or this one, after the ornery, anti-UNSC Governor of Meridian resorts to asking Osiris for assistance:
  Buck: Wow. Pretty quick turnaround from "git off mah planet" to "hey, kin you hayulp?"
• Halo Community icon Mister Chief explaining how the Req system works. And he's voiced by none other than Ron F#$!ing Swanson.
• After Osiris gets their mission to hunt down the Chief, Locke demonstrates exactly how they're gonna catch him via a disc-thing that forces Spartan armor to lock up where it stands. The brief sight of Buck with all but his confused head completely motionless is priceless.
• If you take your time exploring the Arbiter's camp, you'll come across a Grunt you can talk to, prompting him to sing a surprisingly pleasant song. The Grunt then explains that he got it from a human prisoner who is "now a corpse in a pile, now can't sing with him." He's happy to sing with you though!
  • There's a Grunt and Elite sitting at a cliff, the Grunt endlessly talking the poor Elite's ears off. Even better, some of the Grunt's conversations reference some aspects of the series, such as Pelicans rarely actually landing, how the Gravemind's appearance doesn't measure up to Current Gen graphics, and the Elites' affinity for the infamous "Wort, wort, wort!". The Elite just grunts at the end of every story, whether in agreement or annoyance, it's hard to tell.
• Towards the end of the game, Cortana tries to get under Osiris' skin by hitting their psychological weakpoints. She points out that Buck is the most experienced soldier, yet he's subservient to "children". He indignantly asks if she just called him old.
• It is possible to find a hidden recording somewhere on Sanghelios... of a Sangheilli love poem! The real kicker? The Elite is writing it for one of the Spartans-IVs:
  Sangheilli: "Erase previous recording; begin new recording." *clears throat*
  "I saw you standing at your ship, with armored hand on armored hip"
  "Both my hearts began to pound, so lovely was what I found"
  "I love your brightly shining armor, human named Commander Palmer."
  "I wish that we— What are you doing here, Grunt?! What're you laughing at?! I WILL TEAR OFF YOUR ARMS!"
  • Even better is the hilariously serious description of the audio log in the Mission Intel page:
  A rare Sangheili attempt at interspecies love poetry by Vel 'Trokaik
  • Even better, the character's voice actress is Jennifer Hale, aka Commander Shepard, who has her own alien boyfriends and is a Walking Disaster Area.
• 031 Exuberant Witness is perpetually upbeat and helpful towards Osiris and a lot of what she says is endearingly amusing.
  Exuberant Witness: You are performing admirably. I think. There are less of them now than there were, which I assume is your objective?
  • At one point Exuberant will starts describing Genesis as a magnificent place as if it is a tour guide... while you're blasting every living things in vicinity around with Scorpion.
  • If the Scorpion Tank she provides you gets destroyed, especially with you inside it, she'll simply panic about how there's only one of those things around.
• When you find the "collection" of Exuberant Witness one of the displays will have a trio of grunts with two of them desperately trying to escape while the third sits in the back farting every few seconds. Juvenile? Yes but still funny.
  • Exuberant's collection also contains a pack of Promethean Crawlers, which appear to be resting. Fireteam Osiris confusedly notice that they almost seem to be happy in there, and Exuberant notes that they whine if kept on their own.
• On the level "Meridian Station", you can summon a giant soccer ball by pressing a vending machine multiple times. The funny part isn't just the soccer stadium sounds that play when the ball appears, but the fact that both Locke and Buck will actually comment on it, to the point where they actually challenge each other to a match.
• An Easter Egg on the Warzone map "Urban" features a painting of a Spartan triumphantly holding a smoking handgun with a Halo in the background... Oh, and there's a sword-wielding Elite riding a unicorn.◊
• In Firefight, the Goblin is a masterpiece of Refuge in Audacity; the Grunt pilot's attempts at trash-talking and his tendency to call out his attacks like he's in a Super Robot anime are absolutely hilarious, especially when it becomes clear he's speaking through what's basically a loudspeaker. Its backstory is pretty hilarious too:
  The Goblin is a Balaho-born battlesuit that embodies the pillars that Unggoy themselves universally agree their species is known for: ruggedness, agility, and lethality. Created in the likeness of the Forerunner’s pre-ascension form (as popularized by famous Unggoy theologian Ang’napnap The Enlightened)^note the joke being that it's actually just shaped like a Grunt, the Goblin combines exotic engineering acumen (so that it doesn’t explode upon activation), Covenant manufacturing technology (for push-button assembly), and Unggoy user interface design (so the operator can hit lots of buttons) into a bipedal mech that UNSC forces universally agree is deadlier than an entire combat lance of unsuited Grunts (but a little less than a file, if you want to get technical). All agree the Goblin can handle even the most dire combat experience, with the Grunt jockey inside cowering – er, protected by a dedicated energy shield and thick plates of armor.
  The Goblin mech suit is armed with a Needle Cannon that can fire off swarms of heavy explosive crystalline shards and a back-mounted Shardstorm launcher that unleashes entire clouds of Needles that is an impressive sight – even if it doesn’t actually hit anyone – and is equipped with a Power Wrist and Furious Feet for close-quarters combat, though “Goblin jockeys” prefer to keep enemies far away, preferably on different battlefields, if possible.
• In the non-Campaign, meta field of funny, the trailer for the "Battle of Shadow and Light" update/DLC is mostly some epic footage of a pair of Mantises carving through each other's teams. Then, they meet, walking up to each other, and... well, it defies explanation.
  • In another skit shows a much-hated practice of kill stealing in Warzone.
  • So you probably put down 60 bucks for some to get more Buck, but in case that wasn't enough Buck for your buck, 343 gives you 60 Bucks for your 60 bucks... Yeah, we don't know either...
    YouTube comment: Step aside Master Chief and Locke. This army of Nathan Fillions gonna show how things get done.

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