One mission in the game requires you to use the drone to spy on a politician who is being serviced by a prostitute for blackmail purposes. While eavesdropping on the two of them, one of the Ghosts will comment "this is too kinky even for Bowman." Holt is very turned on and jokes that he's about to strip and join in for a threesome, then wishes to listen to the recording again after the mission's finished. It's incredibly subtle, but Nomad can be heard letting out a giggle at the sight.
The politician's deep, dark secret he confesses to the prostitute to turn her on is...how he stole a cat's leg. An artificial leg at that. The prostitute's completely perplexed reaction makes it.
En serio?!
One of the Operation Kingslayer files you come across in Pucara is a recording of DJ Perico having an epic Is This Thing Still On? moment where he starts cursing out all of the major cartel buchons and even El Sueno himself on-air. It ends when Perico is told he's getting a phone call from the boss.
One mission has you wrecking a casino used by the Cartel, and this is said after the mission is completed:
Nomad: VIPs have bugged out. Building is wrecked. Holt: The Sapper Daddy is pleased with our offering.
The reaction Nomad has to Carzita attempting to bribe him during his interrogation, which can slip into awesome status too:
Nomad: I don't give a fuck about money, Carzita. I work for the U.S Government. We spend billions of dollars on hand sanitizer alone. Pork barrels, fuckface!
Bowman's video briefings on the Santa Blanca's bosses often has some funny moments, from Bowman's Deadpan Snarker routine, to some pretty hefty doses of Black Comedy. Some highlights:
In Bowman's video on El Chido, the narcocorrido singer, the video is scored with an actual in-game narcocorrido, and Bowman completely Fangirls out to both El Chido (exuding a passionate lust for him despite him working for Santa Blanca), and narcocorrido music in general (saying it's the modern Gangsta Rap, and that if the Ghosts don't like it, they are complete pussies who are getting kicked off her Christmas list)
During her video on Madre Coca, Bowman comments that the region she operates in used to grow coffee, but Santa Blanca switched to coca plants for obvious reasons. She then goes on a short tangent about how snorting ground coffee (Italian roast, specifically) isn't great, evidently speaking from personal experience.
Bowman plus El Chido in general are always good for a laugh. The way she squees during and after her meeting with him once the Ghosts dragged him through her door is so out of character even for her snarky self that the player cracking up is almost a given.
The fact that she manages to combine fangirling over his music with an implied threat. It takes him a few moments to process what she meant when she talked about which of his songs they'd play at his funeral.
While Perico's radio broadcasts on Santa Blanca Radio can get pretty annoying, there are some funny moments to be had for first-time listeners. For instance, hosting a contest where the tenth listener gets a brand new... low-rider bicycle! The winner of that particular contest goes on a rant about how stupid a contest this is and hangs up. Perico's response is to just restart the contest like nothing's happened.
A particularly outstanding bit of early Black Comedy comes from him running a PSA on not betraying Santa Blanca, which includes audio of a traitor being tortured to death. Perico then immediately and cheerfully announces a call-in contest to win the dead man's gold watch.
You can also hear Perico do a piece on how weapon safety is important and should be practices by the cartel members to avoid shooting their best friends in the face. If you have completed his story arc, you will find the entire thing a bit disingenuous to say the least.
Then there's his PSAs where he demands sicarios wear seatbelts, and begs them to wear condoms.
And now the product ain't moving, because Geraldo's wife found out he was cheating on her, and she went after him with a fucking frying pan, and everyone's urine is on fire and bloody. Wrap yourselves up!
One mission has you pursue and capture El Cardenal. However, it can play out in such a way that when you finally encourage his surrender, he'll halt, kneel, and place his hands on his head, unresistant... in the middle of a busy highway. Whereupon a car will come around the next corner and cream him, costing you the mission. In the words of Yahtzee Croshaw, unhelpful, but fucking funny.
A lot of the idle chatter between the Ghosts is utterly hilarious:
One of the Ghosts tells the others that he's downloading a recording of a football game, and he doesn't want them to spoil the score for him... cue another member saying the score, only for the third to say a completely different score, then Nomad says a third, completely different result.
Nomad: You know that headquarters is going to have us piss in a cup as soon as we get back. (sounding more like an angry parent than a squad leader) You are not having any coca. Holt: But the altitude! (taking a deep breath between each word, clearly just fucking around) It's... getting... hard... to... breath. Nomad:(almost playfully) Shut up.
This one comes up in several conversations, where the Ghosts discuss various other, non-drug related uses for coca.
Upon killing the Predator, the players has to escape the selfdestruct blast. On solo, only you are required to escape. Your AI teammates will ALWAYS get caught on the blast- almost as a way to give you a laugh for completing a hard mission.
When extracting the rebel Engineer to Pucara Alpha in order to hack DJ Perico's radio signal:
Engineer: No mierda. My wife loves that guy's show. I keep telling her, 'that's the enemy, caray.' And she's like 'but he's so funny.' I can't win with her. Mujeres. So we listen to it.
El Sueño's harsh words for La Plaga in one of his narrative videos:
Sueño: Are you too busy chasing pussy on the internet to do your fucking job? Or is fucking your job? La Plaga: ... No jefe.
The kicker is that El Sueño sounds more like an angry parent who is so done with the dumb shit a son does that affects his business instead of a ruthless cartel boss.
And what made Sueno angry? La Plaga posing with an assault rifle and a massive pile on cash on Twitter, with the hashtag sbcAllDay, apparently in an effort to get girls.
Tracking down Carlos and Hernando Guerrero, two terrifying human traffickers in Koanni known as 'The Undertakers' has the Ghosts tracking down Carlos first. Carlos turns out to be a bald guy wearing pajamas and sweatpants while jamming on his headphones. One of the Ghosts reacts:
That dude? No way. My twelve-year-old daughter could beat the shit out of him.
After you liberate Caimenes, there's a chance that the local rebel lieutenant will drop this zinger:
Rebel Lieutenant: Without the cartel making all those drug subs, Caimenes can go back to being a pinche swamp filled with pinche mosquitoes. Yay.
In Operation Silent Spade, you find out while interrogating a cartel lieutenant that Santa Blanca made off with enough uranium from the Russian helicopter to build a dirty bomb and send it to Barvechos. This is horrifying enough, but how exactly do the Ghosts find out about it? The manager's tablet has a sicario taking a happy selfie with said dirty bomb.
They are evil torturers, but La Yuri and El Polito do have their funny moments. Such as the fact that they are not subtle about being a couple. Not in the slightest.
El Polito: (on La Yuri's Facebook profile) OMG I LOVE YOU 5EVER BECAUSE 4EVER ISN'T LONG ENOUGH!!!
La Yuri: Oh, it's starting to sag. El Polito: Amor. Get your face out of there.
When finally discovering them and their underground torture chamber, La Yuri reveals mid torture-session that she wants to have a baby...because she wanted to cuddle the victim at one point mid-session (with the poor victim having to listen to all this the entire time.)
Very early on in the game, DJ Perico reveals that after La Yuri and El Polito met, Yuri filed a sexual harassment complaint against Polito to make him pay more attention to her.
A conversation between UNIDAD helicopter pilots in Narco Road reveals that their CO has one mistress for every day of the week. Luckily, the CO's lovely wife also has a lover for every day of the week, except for Fridays, when she plays cards with her sister.
Similarly, two of Arturo Rey's sicarios have a casual conversation while delivering Arturo's explosives. First we learn that one of them has committed the great sin of using Santa Muerte's leg (implied to be an actual skeleton's leg in this case) to unclog his toilet. No surprise that his pet parrot died the next day. Then they discuss their plans for the apocalypse. One prefers to visit his mother, the other plans to survive in Antarctica.
Alvaro: I will eat the penguins. I will drink the ice water. I will use the trees for fuel. Alvaro's Co-worker: Alvaro. There are no trees in Antarctica. Alvaro: That is bullshit! Where do you think Christmas trees come from?
In Ocoro you can find an 'Employee Performance Review' for one of the cartel's testers at the cocaine factory:
Availability: Jose is always available to test the production. Dependability: Jose has high tolerance to our product consumption. Initiative: Jose has low initiative for everything that is not testing products. Job knowledge: Jose generally understands the main processes of production. Productiveness: Jose has met his main goals for the period. Reliability: Jose is always reliable even when he has hard tested the final product.
When in Koani and hijacking a SB truck to sneak into an important truck depot:
Weaver: Four Americans with guns and bad accents, what's to notice? Nomad: Speak for yourself. (with a truly atrocious accent)Mi accent is perfecto. Holt: We're so fucked.
Boston Reed was not happy about DJ Perico asking him for an interview, so he interrupts El Boquita's show to ask his best buddy to not snitch. Unfortunately, Boquita loves Perico's show. Cue Reed desperately trying to disrupt the interview:
Reed: No way man. I ain't here! Boquita: Come on, it's DJ Perico! Perico: Maybe you could tell us how the two of you flavas met! Boquita: Sure- Reed: Allegedly met. Allegedly.
This continues for the remainder of the interview, including the ending:
Perico: If you're still listening, I promise I'll play you something worth listening to! Reed: Allegedly worth listening to!
The transition from ending cutscene to post-game free roam can be this, unintentionally. After the cutscene, the game transitions outdoors and due to her presence being cutscene-only, Bowman disappears ... leaving the Ghosts to fight off one last angry horde of sicarios. This is made even funnier in the context of the game's Golden Ending where El Sueno makes a deal with the Department of Justice for immunity and Bowman leaves with him to take him in to her bosses and the same situation occurs.
Get detected before meeting Kozak during Operation Silent Spade, and he'll give you one last annoyed call.
Seriously? You're the worst Ghost ever!
The text on food trucks when translated:
Does not contain horse meat. We promise!
Take a walk around Nidia Flores's house, and you'll discover that the gardeners tending her maze really like pissing in the hedges.
Nidia Flores's daughter Valeria is understandably quite frightened of El Sueno, but her reason might surprise you. Is it because he's big and scary? Because he trafficks children just like her? Because he'll ruthlessly murder her and her parents to punish them for failing him? No, she's scared of him because he's bald. Nomad (who by default has a shaved head) isn't amused and even sounds a little offended.
Nomad: Hey, there's nothing wrong with not having hair.
El Pozolero's job and mental state is horrifying. However, the first thing he starts telling you when you're driving him back to the safehouse is about Pepito, his teddy bear, who is very clingy.
El Pozolero: If we're staying overnight, I'm going to need mi oso. Holt: Your... bear? Like a teddy bear? El Pozolero: It's not what you think. I'm not overly afraid of the dark, but Pepito will think I'm cheating on him. Nidia Flores once gave me a girafa azul, and Pepito said the nastiest things to him. I had to spank him. Pepito, that is, not the giraffe.
While traveling through the map it won't be unusual for other AI drivers to ram into your current vehicle (or the other way around). When this happens, normally stoic Weaver can yell in a very frustrated tone, and in rapid succession, "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!", pretty much just like any player. Sometimes Weaver also has another much less subdued reaction, which is a very annoyed "AAARGH!". Holt also has a funny reaction: a startled "Christ almighty!"
In the very grim Fallen Ghosts, one of the recurring civilian corpses is Antonio wearing an extremely thin white beard, which looks like he's slathered cocaine all over his face and made a Santa beard out of it. This got a chuckle out of many players.
on the Santa Blanca's bosses often has some funny moments, from Bowman's Deadpan Snarker routine, to some pretty hefty doses of Black Comedy. Some highlights: