Funny / Game of Thrones: Ascent

• Lady Elyana nibbles a small cake. Groat blinks, looks down at his now-empty plate and sputters. From the fireside Gammer Wilde says, "I like her."
• Kirth tricking Fat Tom to tell he is going to deliver a letter.
  Kirth says, "You were in terrible shape earlier. Glad you're on your feet now!" Tom says, "Thank you, but I'm not talking about the letter. Ah, seven hells!"
• Garth the Poulter: It was wrong, m'lady, to say the Hollards were more stingy with their coin than a whore from King's Landing...but by the Seven, they are!
• Gammer Wilde pinching Ser Hugo's ear for insulting the weirwood trees.
  Ser Hugo scowls. "Faces carved by people, not gods." Gammer Wilde is suddenly behind him, pinching his ear. "Oww! Off me, woman! I won't strike you but..."
  • Ser Hugo is already cautious:
  You: "As Ser Hugo says, a vow to the Seven holds more weight that one to uncounted old gods."
  Ser Hugo glances at Gammer Wilde, who pretends not to notice, and says, "Uncounted is a frightening word. Like knowing you have enemies but not how many."
• Some of Groat's jokes and comments, as well as his occasional picking on Alvyn.
  (On Jon Snow swearing his vows on a weirwood)
  Groat: Aheh, you have to see it through the eyes of a boy raised to venerate the trees."
  You: Groat, I'm a little disappointed. You have no jest for me?"
  Groat looks around, half-smiling. "Just recall, my [lady/lord], if the boy leaves, he'll look like a sap." Groans rise from all sides and Groat takes a little bow.
• Ser Hugo's Spit Take in the Bonus Quest where your friend's foster daughter tries to pull The Baby Trap on him.
  Maester Lucas: "There's a raven from [Your Friend's House]. It says..." He starts to chuckle. "Oh dear. It says his foster claims she is with Ser Hugo's child."
  You: "Ser Hugo...are congratulations in order?"
  Ser Hugo Flint: The knight looks from where he spit strongwine all over his tunic. "No. Never. I swear, my [lord/lady]. She propositioned, I said no. Three times, in fact."
• Poor Septa Eleanor's shock when surprising the soldiers in the middle of - *ahem* - moral defilement in the brothel.
• In "Peril of the Old Ways", Septa Eleanor, in a rather Jerkass moment, argues with Gammer Wilde about dragging your character into a search for a Skinchanger, calling it a mystical fool's errand and mocking Gammer's beliefs. You can make Gammer tell her off... or kick her in the shins.
  "You little—" Septa Eleanor catches herself before she says anything improper, hopping on one foot. Gammer shuffles away.

  • Also, in the first dialogue, Gammer steals one of Groat's biscuits. She can later give it to the Skinchanger's dog for information.
• Maester Lucas gestures to the guards, who leave to escort Kirth in. "I hear your cousin is a minstrel. I must warn you—he brought his lute."
• Maester Lucas sends the guards to imprison Kirth. "We'll confiscate your cousin's lute as well. We don't want him disturbing the other prisoners."
• "Then we're in agreement?" Terrei says confidently. "We will arrange a marriage." The words cut through your haze of wine. "What?"
• Caiden's hijinks in your holdings.
• Rona and Groat shake their heads, then look surprised at their agreement.
• Groat: "Speak of Viserys, now quite dead! A crown of gold around his head! He grew emboldened, then grew drunk and fell with a metallic thunk!"
• The whole Bonus Quest Garnish.
• King Robert Baratheon: My son says you're a pile of manure, Kirth. That's how I know you're one of the good ones.
• [on their wedding, Renly seems to be drunk]
  Ask King Renly about his future plans.
  "Bed my wife, I suppose!" Margaery blushes, "He meant the coming weeks, my darling."
• Eutimio throws down Nicomede's bloody cloak before the council. "It is done." The councillors look shocked. "Nicomede is...dead?" one asks.
  Sarcastically ask if they would rather you walk through the bank with his severed head.
  The councillor looks faintly green. "We will accept your word."
• Craster's Death Glare missing its effect:
  Rolfe keeps his head down, avoiding Craster's gaze as he takes a seat by the fire. The old wildling turns his accusing eye on someone else.
• How to become my favorite child:
  Ella tosses her head with thirteen-year-old pride. "You think that old bag could have fought off those slavers? You earned this land!"
• your friend: That filthy whore Lightskirt Lanna is too good at what she does. She'll ruin me if she continues. You must help me drive her off!
  you: I didn't know your [husband/wife] was named Lanna.
• "I was picked as a boy by Syrio Forel, First Sword to the Sealord," Eutimio says. "My whole life I was his student."
  "Well, I was trained by Ser Hugo Flint," Jon says with mock pride. "My whole life he told me I couldn't fight my way out of a mousetrap."
• Jayne:"How long do you plan to stay?"
  you:"Not long, I assure you. You won't know I'm here."
  Jayne glances around at the troupe of minstrels, guards, and advisors you have brought with you. "No, not at all."
• Kalen Rask rises to leave. “I can see that you will not be reasonable.” This amuses you. “To declare yourself reasonable is an insult to reasonable people!”
• you:Surely the Imp is not taking the black...Is he?
  Groat:If he were, my [lady/lord], we would surely have heard. I shudder for the winesellers of King's Landing if such a thing did happen!
• [assessing Eutimio for captainship]
  "But Braavosi don't use horses," Groat points out. "Our guard captain has to ride. Can he mount anything other than our heir?"
• Suggest Baelish express thanks with time at his brothel.
  Baelish grins, "I'm certain the girls will thank you for bravely defending them. I know of four who wish to do so at the same time." Kirth murmurs, "Oh my."

• "Help! I've been tricked! [The prostitute he's fallen in love with] is a bear!" What were you expecting with a name like Ursa Serene?
• Rona:[Your House] is still revered enough that any match is worthy of consideration. It is Odette's skill with a sword which concerns them.
  you: It concerns me as well. Any chance of breaking her of it?
  Eutimio: It may not be proper in Westeros, my [lord/lady], but it would be like taking a lute from your late cousin. A crime against nature.
  you: You never heard Kirth play, Eutimio. His lute would have been happier smashed.
  Groat chuckles openly while your other advisors look away in awkward silence.
• You find out Kirth died wealthy... and the next day there is a mob of women with their babies at your gate, all claiming to have his child.
• Bonus quest Fantastic Pets:
  you: Perhaps we need not expend such great effort for a reward...
  Groat: If I catch your meaning, my [lord/lady], then perhaps with some luck, the fabled cockatrice will be found at the nearest poultry farm.
  you: On an unrelated matter, might it be difficult to sew a snake's tail to a live chicken?