Funny / Frasier Seasons 1 To 3

Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

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Season 1

101: The Good Son

• Frasier tries asking Roz for her candor after his show.
  Frasier: It was a good show, wasn't it?
  Roz: [holds out a piece of paper] Here, your brother called.
  Frasier: Roz, in the trade we call that "avoidance". Don't change the subject, tell me what you think.
  Roz: ... did I ever tell you what this little button does?
  Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?
  Roz: Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of twenty eight seconds of dead air, you scrambled the station call letters, you spilled yogurt on the console board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis as "Jeff".
  Frasier: ... you say my brother called? [takes the paper]
• The establishment of Frasier and Niles's dynamic.
  Frasier: When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?
  Niles: (thin smile) I'm having one now.
• The conversation between the brothers turns to the topic of Martin, who can no longer live on his own, as well as a hint at what Niles's wife is like.
  Niles: Of course, I can't take care of [Martin].
  Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, of course. ... why?
  Niles: Because dad doesn't get along with Maris.
  Frasier: Who does?!
  Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
  Frasier: I do. I like her... from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth.
• After Frasier reluctantly agrees to take Martin in, a waitress comes along:
  Waitress: Will you be having anything to eat?
  Frasier: No, I seem to have lost my appetite.
  Niles: I'll have a large piece of cheesecake!
• After a few days with Martin in full Jerkass mode and Eddie, Frasier confides to Niles he's reaching the end of his rope.
  Niles: Maris and I were just discussing this. We feel we should do more to share the responsibility.
  Frasier: You mean you'd take him in?
  Niles: (laughs, then turns deadly serious) Dear God, no.
• Frasier's interviews looking for a homecare specialist don't go well.
  Frasier: I've never been more impressed with a human being in my life. (closes the door and turns to look at Martin) NOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THAT ONE?!
• Frasier is initially highly reluctant to hire Daphne, who's established herself as a full-fledged Cloudcuckoolander, until Martin points something out:
  Martin: What difference does it make to you? She's only going to be here when you're not.
  Frasier: ... then what's my problem?

102: Space Quest

• A just woken-up Frasier encountering Daphne, who rattles off a mile a minute, all the while Frasier is having difficulty remembering who Daphne even is.
• Frasier, having yet another argument with Martin tries to get some alone time in the coffee shop when Niles drops in. After an illuminating discussion with Niles about how to try to avoid them in the future, Fras thanks Niles, calling him a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession. Niles says Frasier is a good brother too.

103: Dinner at Eight

• Frasier and Martin have a disagreement about driving etiquette.
  Frasier: You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says "if you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you."
  Martin: Big talk from a Volvo...
• Meanwhile, Daphne is fluffing Frasier's underwear, which he initially objects to... until he gets a feel of them.
• Niles, supposedly Happily Married to Maris, meeting Daphne for the first time.
  Niles: You're Daphne?
  Daphne: Why, yes I am.
  Niles: W-uh... when Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?
• Frasier and Niles decide to treat Martin to dinner, but he's reluctant, despite their efforts.
  Martin: I appreciate the offer, but I won't like it.
  Frasier: Oh, dad, how do you know if you don't try it?
  Martin: Well, I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to know I wouldn't like that.
• Later on, Frasier has invited Niles and Martin out to diner. Maris has declined due to an attack of her eccentricities ("she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. 'course I knew then and there that dinner was not to be"). One suspects Niles is not as broken up about this as he probably should be.
  Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles.
  Niles: Yes, well, I'll just have to make the best of it. (turns around to face Daphne) Hi-ho, Daphne, you're looking luminous this evening!
• Frasier notices Niles has brought along a little something in a brown bag.
  Frasier: (suspicious) What's in the bag?
  Niles: Oh, just a little something for dad, some Devonshire clotted cream.
  Frasier: For dad?
• Daphne displaying her "psychic" powers to Niles.
  Frasier: She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
• Daphne's reading on Niles is that he's had bouts of colitis. The minute she's out the door, Frasier calls Niles on lying about this.
  Frasier: Niles, you've never had colitis a day in your life.
  Niles: I know, but I couldn't bear to disappoint her.
• It turns out Fras and Niles's choice of restaurant have lost their reservation, so Martin suggests The Timber Mill instead. The upper crust brothers aren't taken, so Martin suggests leaving it, then makes a play of hobbling toward the kitchen to see what Daphne's left in the fridge. ^note for extra funny, the rest of the series states Daphne is a mediocre cook at best.
• At The Timber Mill, Niles is taken aback by the stench.
  Niles: This aroma is triggering a sense memory. Something familiar... ah, of course. It's Maris and her home tanning bed.

104: I Hate Frasier Crane

• The episode begins with Frasier trying to play the piano while Eddie stares at him, which is beginning to get to Fras. Martin is less than sympathetic.
  Frasier: Must he keep staring at me?
  Martin: I dunno. Eddie, must you?
  (Eddie, being a dog, says nothing)
  Martin: Apparently he must.
• Niles, having come around to dinner without Maris, is distracted by Daphne again.
  Niles: Please, don't stand on formality. To you, it's just Niles and... ...
  Frasier: Maris?
• A few seconds later, Martin is saying grace while Frasier is bothered by Eddie's constant staring.
  Frasier: (reaching breaking point) OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING?!
  Niles: (who was looking at Daphne) I wasn't staring!
• Niles and Roz's first on-screen encounter.
  Niles: Hello, I don't believe we've met.
  Roz: Yes, we have, Niles, three or four times, Roz Doyle.
  Niles: Oh, of course, it was at the uh... it was during the... oh, well, I'm too far too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet?
• And this still isn't enough to keep her in his memory, as Niles shows Frasier a negative review.
  Niles: Towards the end he even attacks your "dim-witted sidekick call screener".
  Roz: That's me!
  Niles: (looking at Roz as if he's forgotten she was sitting there) Oh, now I remember you!
• While outraged over Derek Mann's scathing review, Frasier assures Niles and Roz he won't stoop to his level. One act break later.
  Frasier: POMPOUS AND SANCTIMONIOUS, AM I?!!
• Frasier's ranting soon turns to Mann himself, who calls up to challenge Frasier to a fist-fight. Frasier tries to decline, prompting Mann to call him a chicken, so Frasier deftly tries to change the subject, but Roz is no help.
  Frasier: Roz, who else do we have on the line?
  Roz: Well, on lines one to eight we have people who think you're chicken.
• Roz displaying her faith in Frasier's pugilistic abilities.
  Frasier: Did it ever occur to you I might actually win this fight?
  Roz: Your shoe's untied. (Frasier looks down) If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard.

105: Here's Looking at You

• Frasier and Niles's discussion after Martin "breaks up" with Irene.
  Niles: Who knows why anyone does anything?
  Frasier: (staring incredulously) Remind me again what you do for a living. (Niles is unamused) You see, the thing is, it was just one phone call, I mean, how can anyone make a sound judgement about another person on the basis of one phone call?
  Niles: (with the same incredulous stare Frasier gave him) Remind me again what it is YOU do for a living.
• When Maris's Aunt Patrice breaks out the "G speak", a party game she and Maris use where they inject the letter G into every syllable, Martin panics and thinks she's having a stroke.

106: The Crucible

• At the beginning of the episode, Frasier comes up with a creative way to get his listeners to call in...
  Frasier: You're listening to KACL, 780 on your AM dial. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. All our lines are open, so please, give us a call. [Beat] I'm just... sitting here waiting. [Beat] Hey, Seattle! Come on, I know you're out there! [fake laughs] Hey, look, I realise it's a, it's a sunny day, but, uh, on all those rainy days, I was there for you! [Beat] Well! All right then. If, uh, that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse. [Roz looks confused] Uh... [sings] WHE-E-E-EN THE-E-E-E MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA- [the switchboard lights up like a Christmas tree] That seems to have got you going there! Okay!
• At Frasier's big party, he notes Niles is there and asks where Maris has gone. Niles explains she's sleeping under a pile of coats in the spare bed - apparently she gets easily tired from the strain of being interesting.
• Frasier wonders why no-one's eating his mousseline of duck. Just as he asks, the reason presents itself - it's small, brown and white, furry and happily pigging out.
• Roz makes her first visit to Frasier's apartment, and he asks her opinion.
  Roz: Well, to be frank, I don't spend my idle hours imagining how you live. But I did expect lots of beige. And look, I was right.
• A few minutes later, Niles gets a little too close to Daphne.
  Daphne: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
  Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man - I love my Maris.
  Guest: [enters the kitchen] Where should I put my coat?
  Niles: Just throw it on the bed.
• Frasier's party is ruined when his guest, eccentric artist Martha Paxton, reveals the painting he's based the whole party around isn't one of hers. After the party's ended, and Frasier's ruminating, Martin offers to return the painting to where Frasier got it for him. Frasier makes an unwarranted dig, and Martin returns fire.
  Frasier: Dad, I appreciate the gesture, but what do you know about the art world?
  Martin: Apparently about as much as you do.
• Frasier attempts to return the painting but is met with a sleazy salesman refusing to take it. When he returns home, Martin "helps" guide him through calling the police.
  Frasier: Dad, who do I ask for?
  Martin: Have 'em put you through to the Fine Arts Forgery department.
  Frasier: Right. (into phone) Yes, the Fine Arts Forgery department, please.
  (Very long pause for laughter and applause as Frasier's face and death glare at his father, who is barely able to stifle his laughter, say it all.)
  Frasier: Dad. They're laughing at me.
  Martin: Gimme the phone. (into phone) Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris. Yeah, Marty Crane. Yeah, that was my son. Yeah, I just thought he needed a bite of a reality sandwich.
• Frasier gets frustrated with the art museum, and asks Niles for help finding a lawyer.
  Frasier: What is the name of that really vicious lawyer you used?
  Niles: Which? The one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
  Frasier: The meanest.
  Niles: Ah, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.
• Martin then weighs in, pointing out that in the time it'd take to settle everything, the fees would cost more than the bogus painting, prompting a nasty shot from Niles, who agrees with him.
  Frasier: God, I hate lawyers!
  Niles: Me too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
• Realizing there's nothing he can do, Frasier laments his lot.
  Frasier: Where is the justice? I'm a beloved household name and I've been screwed!
• Daphne trying to use her psychic abilities to find a lost earring of Maris's.
  Daphne: (holding Maris's other earring to get a reading) It's in your father's room... no, no, it's in Dr. Crane's room... (getting confused) Oh, this is odd, now it's in the hallway...
  (Eddie rushes past them)
• After successfully talking Frasier down from throwing a brick through a store window, via a story about a humiliating incident in his childhood, Niles does a double take when Frasier mentions the humiliating nicknames he received for it... which Niles hadn't actually known about. So now Niles throws the brick through the window.
  Niles: I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "peach fuzz"!
• Before running away Niles pulls out his wallet and tosses a wad of cash through the broken window.
  Niles: We may be barbarians but we pay for our pillaging!

107: Call Me Irresponsible

• In order to get the Christmas cards done early, Daphne and Martin do up the apartment in the middle of October. Their singing "Deck the Halls" wakes Frasier, who stumbles out into the hallway, looking very confused.
  Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me... [Daphne and Martin stop singing] Exactly how long have I been asleep?
• Frasier refuses to don the elf hat Daphne has chosen for the photo's "Santa's Workshop" theme:
  Martin: But if you don't, it'll look stupid!
  Frasier: [looking at Martin's elf hat] Oh, I think the ship has already sailed on that one.
• After Frasier and Martin get into an argument, Daphne forgets what the date is:
  Daphne: Boys, boys, please! Don't fight! Are you forgetting what day it is?
  Frasier: It's October 21st!
• When Frasier first meets Catherine, the angry ex-girlfriend of Marco.
  Frasier: Hello. My producer told me you wanted an autograph. How should I make this out?
  Catherine: You disgust me, you parasitic fraud!
  Frasier: Well, that's certainly different from the usual 'Best Regards'.

• Frasier, in Café Nervosa with Catherine, tells her not to change. Everyone else present groans at how cheesy this is.
  Frasier: Hey, I'm a little out of practice!
• Seeing Catherine gets an interesting (and very mid-90s) response from Niles.
  Niles: I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point: Who was that babe-o-rama?
  Frasier: (rolls eyes) Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.
• Niles soon learns how Catherine and Frasier got together (Fras inadvertently gave her boyfriend Marco the impetus to break up with her when he called Frasier's show) and disapproves. Frasier tells Niles he doesn't care about his approval.
  Frasier: I don't need your approval. I don't need you for anything. ... oh, by the way, Niles, my car's in the shop, I need ya to gimme a ride home tonight.
  Niles: No problem.
• Roz gleefully sabotaging Frasier's attempts to avoid talking to Marco.
  Frasier: (after having been told Marco is on line 2) Who's this on line 3?
  Roz: Ooh, Todd. (disconnects) Oh, darn, we lost Todd.

108: Beloved Infidel

• Niles stops by KACL after Frasier finishes his show, and still struggles to remember who Roz is:
  Niles: Hello, Frasier.
  Frasier: Hi, Niles, [gesturing] you remember Roz?
  Niles: Yes, of course. [shakes her hand] What brings you here?
  Roz: [lets go of his hand; offended] Oh... nothing. [Frasier shakes his head in disbelief] Just passing by and thought I'd stop in for a career.
  Niles: Good luck! [chuckles; Roz glares venomously at him]
• The second act begins with Eddie having fun rolling around on Frasier's couch, until Daphne catches him, and shoos him off. Once she's gone, Eddie gets right back to business, until Frasier comes in, where Eddie leaps off the couch and acts innocent, with Frasier none the wiser.
• Looking into the family's past, Niles finds a time when Frasier missed what was going on at night (Martin and Hester having screaming matches) because he was wearing earplugs and a mask at bedtime. Why?
  Frasier: I had to! You were reading National Geographic with a flashlight under the covers.
  Niles: I was looking at the maps!
  Frasier: That's what makes it so scary!
  • When the first start going over the journals Niles kept, Niles's younger self comes off as a Little Professor, but current day Niles still critiques his past self's writing, before noting that by ten his writing had become much tighter, to which Frasier notes "among other things."
• Frasier is still reeling from the revelation that Martin had an affair and is talking about it in Nervosa with Niles, when a man nearby starts eavesdropping.
  Frasier: How could he do this to Mom, not to mention the repercussions for us later on-(notices man) Why don't you just pull up a chair and join us!

109: Selling Out

• Frasier blasting Roger (Carl Reiner), a listener whose "problem" is he can't decide what to name his luxury yacht:
  Frasier: Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
• This episode sees the beginning of Frasier's tenure as a client of ruthless agent Bebe Glaser, who scores him a commercial audition. Frasier is concerned that he would be sacrificing his professional dignity, but according to Niles, that ship has already sailed:
  Niles: Let's face it, Frasier, you talk about wanting to safeguard your professional dignity, but... the first time you went on the air, you got out of medicine and into showbiz. You're no different from that movie star who let everybody look up her skirt in that film, and then did nothing but complain that nobody took her seriously as an actress.
  Frasier: Well, that has nothing to do with this!
  Niles: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video and, I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night! [Beat] And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.
  Frasier: [putting his hands to his head in frustration] Niles, will you just tell me, would you do it?
  Niles: A nude scene? I suppose if it were integral to the plot...
  Frasier: Not a nude scene! Would you do this commercial!?
  Niles: Oh, certainly not! I'm a respected psychiatrist. [checks his watch, then gets up from the table]
  Frasier: So what you're saying is that, uh, that I shouldn't do it.
  Niles: [getting his coat] No, no, no. No, I'm saying it doesn't matter. Let's face it, Frasier - they've already looked up your skirt and they've seen everything there is to see. [smirks, claps Frasier on the shoulder, and leaves the café; Frasier sits with his knees close together]

110: Oops!

• Niles' latest excuse for visiting Frasier's apartment. The words "paper thin" don't quite cover it: He's brought a plant which looks like it belongs on the compost around for Daphne to "minister".
• Frasier, having accidentally gotten Bulldog fired, goes to try and talk to the station manager, Ned Miller, to ask his forgiveness. No easy task, given the man has a hair-trigger temper, and Bulldog marched in and said the kind of things you can't take back, including calling Ned's wife a fat slut. Frasier, ever ready to be helpful, instantly declares "she's not overweight!" ... Except Bulldog also used the word "slut" as well.
• Ned then reveals he'd actually been planning to fire Frasier. As Fras is taking this in, Ned gets a call from on-high. Seems the suits have figured an easier way to save overhead is to fire him. Frasier, naturally, takes the opportunity to throw Ned's words back at him... and offer his services as a psychiatrist.
  Ned Miller: I wish I'd fired you when I had the chance.

111: Death Becomes Him

• Niles repeatedly getting distracted by Daphne's mentioning of past doctor visits, what with the nakedness and all.
• The scene where, after spending an entire episode worrying about his mortality, including getting Martin and Niles little labels to put on the things they want bequeathed to them, Frasier finally calms down after a late-night talk with Martin. Just as they're heading off to bed... Martin mentions there's something on Frasier's robe. He checks, and with the utmost air of disgust... "Niles." (Niles had also earlier tried to trick Frasier out of pouring from a certain bottle of wine because he wanted it.)
  Frasier: The vultures are circling...
• The Running Gag of Frasier's first appearance at a shiva:
  Frasier: You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.
  Mrs. Newman: You're not Jewish, are you?

112: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street

• The first scene in the Crane household has Niles drinking a glass of eggnog. When he puts the glass down on the table for a moment, Eddie proceeds to drink a bit of it. Niles then drinks from the glass again with a confused look on his face.
• Niles stops by with a pair of dresses that he had gotten for Maris, so naturally he had Daphne try them on and model them. Frasier comes home in the middle of this and puts a stop to it, so Daphne changes back into her clothes and brings the dresses back to Niles.
  Daphne: Shall I put the little red one back on so you can make your choice?
  Frasier: I think Niles has all the information he needs, thank you.
  Daphne: Fair enough. (walks off to her room, leaving Frasier and Niles)
  Niles: (gazes longingly after Daphne, then visibly fumbles about in front of a disapproving Frasier) ...You know, Daphne and Maris are roughly the same size.
  Frasier: (pretends to nod) Give or take a foot.
  • As she does so, she mentions that the black dress was so tight she had to take her underwear off just to get the zipper up. This causes Niles to drop his glass of sherry, causing him to briefly panic as he tries to clean up the mess before facepalming in embarrassment as Frasier looks on with a Disapproving Look.

113: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast

• Martin has announced that he is going on a date with a lady who lives in the same building as them. Niles gets this little grin on his face, and Martin, without turning around, snaps "Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face!"
• One of Frasier's callers, Al (Henry Mancini^note  Making the last of his few appearances as an actor rather than as a composer or musician.), is lamenting that he hates the sound of his own voice; Frasier and Roz clearly don't like it either, as they have long since stopped paying attention to him. Frasier sticks a backscratcher in the end of his sleeve as though it's his hand and taps on the glass of Roz' booth, making her laugh as he holds his backscratcher hand to his face in a thoughtful gesture and then scratches his underarm with it; Roz then goes one better by sticking the chopsticks from her Chinese take-away lunch in her mouth as though they're walrus tusks and completes the impression by flapping her elbows as though they're flippers, and soon it's all Frasier and Roz can do to keep Al from finding out how hard they're laughing at each other's antics.
• Frasier's constant Accidental Innuendo when he discovers Martin's date has stayed the night.
• Niles's efforts to sit on the kitchen counter so he can better watch Daphne results in him banging his head off the oven hood and bouncing off the fridge before collapsing in a heap on the floor.

114: Can't Buy Me Love

• The Bachelor Auction, run by a former fellow cop of Martin's for a Widows and Orphans benefit, is pure hilarity.
  • The tone is set by the hormone-addled screaming we can hear coming from the ladies in the audience - described by Frasier as a "Rottweiler pit" - as the announcer introduces Bachelor #18, "public television's own cute and cuddly Mr. Science". As Martin enters the green room, we can hear the announcer shouting "Please, please, keep articles of clothing off the stage!"
  • Martin recognises Bachelor #19 as Seahawks linebacker T.J. "The Enforcer" Smith, who has put two quarterbacks in the hospital so far that season. When his number is called, he begs Martin not to make him go on stage, and when he returns with a Thousand-Yard Stare, describing the women as "like sharks at a feeding frenzy", he explains that the winning bid was placed by a woman with "this crazed look in her eye". The identity of said woman comes as no surprise:
    Roz: [entering the green room with a hungry look] Where do I pay?
    Frasier: [jumping to his feet] Roz!
    Roz: I saw what I wanted and I went after it! [T.J. takes one step toward the opposite door] STAY!
  • Frasier is Bachelor #20; Martin suggests that if things are flagging a bit, he should drop a quarter and take his time picking it up. When he comes off stage, the winner having bid $500 for him, he says the last thing he can remember is someone shouting "Shake your money maker!"
  • Finally, Bachelor #21, Bulldog, is called to the stage... and returns mere minutes later. He brushes it off by noting that most of the ladies had already exhausted their budgets for the evening. Then the winning bidder enters the green room with the same look most of the bachelors had when they left the stage, a look not helped by the backside slap Bulldog gives her on his way to the bathroom...
    Frasier: Oh my God, Daphne, why??
    Daphne: [dazed, handing her cheque over to the purser] Things were slowing down, so your father asked me to shill! I opened at $100! Who knew that would be the only bid?
• But it turns out to be Bulldog who regrets Daphne's purchase; he takes her to a Seattle Sonics game, and she goes through a vast quantity of champagne... and turns out to be a talkative and belligerent drunk, with unfortunate consequences for Bulldog when she starts picking fights with the drivers honking at their limousine as they try to get out of the Seattle Center Coliseum car park:
  Daphne: [over the honking of other cars] Well that's annoying, isn't it. Certainly is taking a long time getting out of this parking lot. Did I mention this was my first basketball game? Yes, of course I did, three or four times. I still can't get over those players. They're positively gi-gan-tic! Not that being tall is the only measure of a man. [Beat] But it's a bloody good one! [doubles over laughing; Bulldog is not so amused] Oh, dear, I just insulted you, didn't I! I'm sorry. Oh well, you can take it, you're a tough little nut! [backhands Bulldog in the chest; his good mood is eroding more every second] Oh dear. This is not good. Not good at all.
  Bulldog: What, you don't like the champagne?
  Daphne: [peering into her glass as though looking into a microscope] No - I can see the bottom of me glass! [laughs]
  Bulldog: [laughs as well] Well, bottoms up! [refills her glass]
  Daphne: Oh, you are a naughty boy! Now, don't go getting any ideas! Oh, look who I'm saying this to. You don't have an idea in your head! [doubles over laughing again; Bulldog has the sort of forced grin that must be hurting his cheek muscles] Ah, I did it again, I insulted ya! Let's drink to that! [clonks her glass against Bulldog's forehead, spilling half of her drink and not helping his mood one bit] Boom! [laughs again; the honking of other cars gets louder] Oh, now, that is downright rude. [rolls down the window and yells through a yellow plastic megaphone] Hey you there! You in the Firebird! Yes, you! Stop that honking! [HONK HONK] Oh, now, now, just because you look stupid doesn't mean you have to act stupid!
  Bulldog: Hey! Hey, hey, don't aggravate him, we're, we're kind of pinned in here!
  Daphne: Oh, tosh! Civilisation's not going to progress one iota unless someone points out when people's manners are remiss!
  Firebird driver: [HONK] MOVE IT!
  Daphne: [through megaphone] AWW, SHUT YOUR BLOODY CAKEHOLE!
  Bulldog: [pulling Daphne back] HEY! Don't do that- oh, great, he's gettin' out of his car! [sound of a car door opening and closing]
  Daphne: Oooh, he's a tall one, too!
  Bulldog: Quick, quick, roll up the window, lock the door! [does so]
  Daphne: [smacks Bulldog's hands away] Oh, don't be stupid, he's not going to hurt a woman! [starts rolling the window down again]
  Bulldog: [starting to panic] Just roll it up, roll it up! [tries to roll the window up again, only for the opposite door to open; the Firebird driver grabs Bulldog by his feet and starts dragging him out]
  Daphne: [trying to drag Bulldog back] Oh, you let him go! Get your bloody paws off him! LET HIM GO, YOU BIG UGLY OAF!
  Bulldog: [as Daphne loses her grip] SHUT UP!! [he is finally dragged out of the car as Daphne shadowboxes toward the Firebird driver, who closes the door after him]
  Daphne: [looking out of the window] Oh! Well... we're moving. [rolls down the window and yells through the megaphone, turning her head to look back as the car moves forward] Thank you, Pitbull! I had a lovely time!... [she picks up the champagne bottle and one of the glasses and tries to pour herself another glass while slowly falling over sideways]
• In The Tag, Frasier, Martin, and Eddie have joined Daphne, who looks much the worse for wear, in the back of the limousine. While Eddie hangs his head out of the window, Frasier pours himself and Martin a glass of champagne each, but Daphne declines, choosing instead to drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water.

115: You Can't Tell a Crook By His Cover

• When Daphne reveals she's going out with Jimmy the former convict, Frasier tries pointing out Martin is supposed to believe in second chances.
  Frasier: Don't you believe in second chances?
  Martin: I did. Then we had Niles.
• Daphne, annoyed with Frasier and Martin not bothering to ask her opinion on the matter, storms out, but there's just one little problem, as Frasier notes... ^note which could be an actual error on the part of Jane Leeves
  Frasier: That would have been a very dramatic exit, if only her room was down that hall.
  (Martin laughs, and after a moment Daphne comes back down the hall, stoically not looking at either of them)
• Frasier still isn't too concerned.
  Frasier: She won't go against your wishes if I'm any judge of character.
  Martin: Oh, dear God.
• At Café Nervosa, Niles loses his rag when Frasier tells him about Daphne's date, despite Frasier's attempts to calm him.
  Niles: Don't tell me I'm being irrational, you know that makes me crazy!

116: The Show Where Lilith Comes Back

• Lilith's role as a Sitcom Arch-Nemesis is established in her very first appearance; while this usually takes the form of quips directed at her, her very first line is a classic quip from her.
  Lilith: Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. [Frasier's smile vanishes as he realizes who's speaking] You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.
  Frasier: Lilith.
  Lilith: Over-eating is simply a behavioural problem caused by negative reinforcement. It can be cured quite readily by behaviour modification.
  Frasier: I see. Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
  Lilith: [perplexed] What do you mean by "celebrity"?
  Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you. [slams on the mute button and turns to Roz] Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?
  Roz: [smug grin] It means I get to put on the air the calls I wanna hear.
  Frasier: Well, Lilith, what brings you to Seattle? The constant rain?
  Lilith: I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.
• Roz suggests that Frasier and Lilith have dinner. Since Lilith has called into Frasier's show, he must be gracious and make the invitation through clenched teeth, but he writes "You're FIRED" on a piece of paper and holds it up to Roz with a glower. Roz has already written "I'm union" on a file folder to answer him, and she holds it up with a smirk without missing a beat.
• At the dinner, Niles is frosty to the idea of Lilith coming. Seems at his wedding to Maris, Lilith snickered at the bride's vows, which she wrote herself. Given what Lilith quotes, including "sailing up the transplendent river" of Niles's love, we can't blame her.
  Niles: Maris was developing some sniffles, I just want to make sure she's taking in enough liquids.
  Lilith: Isn't it enough that she's "eternally sipping from the font of your perpetual adoration"? [smirks]
• Lilith meets Eddie, who initially tries staring at her the way he does with Frasier.
  Lilith: Go away.
  (Eddie scarpers, while Frasier stares in confusion)
  Frasier: Why does he listen to you and not me?
  Lilith: By my tone of voice he senses I mean business.
  Frasier: Oh, I see. You're saying your voice is more commanding than mine is?
  Martin: Hell, I took half a step back 'till I realized she was talking to the dog!
• Daphne is at least civil to Lilith, but the minute she shakes her hand, she turns around and murmurs that she's lost all feeling in her arm..
• When Lilith states she's happy to see Martin, he suddenly clutches his cane defensively, as if prepared to use it to fight her off.
• Daphne reacts to Lilith's presence with a splitting headache.
  Daphne: By the way, how many days will you be staying in Seattle?
  Lilith: Just through the weekend.
  Daphne: Well, enjoy your stay. (to herself) I'll be dead by Saturday night, I know it...
• Frasier tries convincing Lilith to apologise for her behaviour at Niles's wedding, which goes surprisingly well.
  Frasier: Listen, Lilith, uh, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris' wedding vows.
  Lilith: (genuinely puzzled) I simply responded with the spontaneous emotion I was feeling at the moment. But... if Niles is not mature enough to accept that, if he is so pitifully insecure, if he is in such need of validation, then I guess for some sense of familial harmony, I do apologize.
  Niles: (suddenly hugs Lilith) OH, LILITH, THANK YOU! Oh, oh this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me. (leaves)
  (Lilith looks in confusion at Frasier)
  Frasier: He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.
• It turns out Lilith isn't in town for a convention at all; she found a letter from Frasier pleading with her to reconsider their separation, which she assumes he left in her apartment when he visited Boston the previous month, and though she chides Frasier for using the phrase "Love will keep us together", she is receptive to the idea. Frasier tells her he wrote the letter much earlier, before he moved to Seattle, and she leaves in embarrassment. The next day, Frasier shows the letter to Niles at Café Nervosa:
  Frasier: I wrote this letter just before I came to Seattle, hoping for a reconciliation. She only just now found it.
  Niles: Didn't the Captain and Tennille sing this?
  Frasier: [irritated] Like they own those five words!
• Niles does not get any more helpful:
  Niles: Frasier, like most patients who come to a therapist, you already know the answer to the question you're posing. You just want me to agree with your decision, and, uh, support you, whether you expect me to agree with you or not.
  Frasier: Yes, but I don't have an opinion in this case!
  Niles: I'm sure you do.
  Frasier: No, I don't.
  Niles: Then I can't help you.
  (Frasier thinks about this)
  Frasier: Alright, alright. (thinks) I think in my soul, I'm leaning towards taking the next step and seeing if there's anything... there.
  Niles: That is what you should do.
  Frasier: Why?
  Niles: You know why.
  Frasier: Damn it, Niles!
• Frasier decides to go talk to Lilith, and thanks Niles, but...
  Frasier: Thank you, Niles. I don't know what I'd do without you.
  Niles: Yes, you do.
  Frasier: DROP IT!

117: A Mid-Winter Night's Dream

• Niles's story about his failed attempt at sexual roleplay, starting from the moment he reveals his Pirates of Penzance-esque costume (part of which looks suspiciously like the infamous "puffy shirt") He made a treasure map for Maris to find him in a romantic pose and their maid walked in there first.
  Martin: What's going on out there? [walks into the front room]
  Niles: Hello, Dad.
  Martin: [taking in the sight of Niles' costume] ...never mind, I don't want to know.
  Niles: No, Dad, wait, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for the way I'm dressed.
  Frasier: All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.
  [...]
  Niles: Although, technically is it still an eye-patch when you're wearing it on your--
  Frasier: STOP!
• And, as Niles sprawls desolately across an armchair, quite piratically:
  Niles: I'll never be able to face the maid again.
  Martin: I don't think it's your face she'll remember. (cracks up)
• Daphne, having started going out with a barista from Nervosa, starts gushing about her happiness over breakfast, to Frasier and Martin's exasperation.
  Daphne: I'm already displaying the three signs of a woman in love: I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I've bought myself new underwear.
  Martin: We need to get her a girlfriend to talk to.
• Niles rattling off the Long List of things Maris can't eat (pretty much everything):
  Niles: (after he's finished) Did I say nuts?
  Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied.
• The second half of the episode opens with one of the funnier title card gags of the series:
  It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
  [Beat Panel]
  NO, REALLY
• Daphne offers to cook a romantic dinner for Niles and Maris to help them reconcile, but, per the title card, a violent thunderstorm moves in over the Seattle area and not only prevents Maris from returning from the spa in Arizona to which she fled after her and Niles' misunderstanding, but also knocks out the electricity to Niles and Maris' mansion. Cut to Frasier overhearing Martin speaking to Daphne by phone, advising her to stay the night rather than risk going out into the storm. Frasier muses that at least Niles, whose crush on Daphne is reaching boiling point, won't try anything with Maris in the house. Then Martin reveals that Maris is in Arizona, and Frasier bolts to his feet, shouting "I've got to get Daphne out of there!"
  Frasier: My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
• Meanwhile, Daphne, having had to walk a hundred yards in the pouring rain after a tree blew down across Niles and Maris' driveway, has changed into a silk dress and cape, the only clothes of Maris' that fit her, and Niles' mind quickly short circuits. He finally has the presence of mind to leave the room and call Frasier for advice, but as Frasier and Martin are already on the road, the only person to hear Niles' desperate message is a very interested-looking Eddie.
• Inevitably, Frasier and Martin spend most of the drive to Niles and Maris' house arguing about the route and Frasier's taste in cars. When the car finally stalls with their destination in sight, Frasier bolts out of the car and runs for the house. And even for that, Martin has some advice, which Frasier takes with his usual grace and dignity:
  Martin: You'll make better time if you take the shortcut by the side of the fountain!... [offended] Well, same to you!
• As the romantic tension between Niles and Daphne reaches its zenith, with the two of them curled up in front of the fire as each consoles the other over their recent romantic setbacks, a Glockenspiel clock which Niles and Maris bought on their honeymoon and which has been silent for years suddenly revives, leading to this gem from Daphne:
  Daphne: Dr. Crane, your glockenspiel has sprung to life!
• Though most viewers probably know the true object of Niles' love that has re-awakened the clock, he interprets it as a sign that, for all the ups and downs of his marriage to her, he really does love Maris. The sight of her newly exfoliated face across the breakfast table, or sharing a laugh when they see someone wearing white after Labor Day... all part of what makes her special in his eyes. And he assures Daphne that she will find a man worthy of her love "just as soon as the gods create him," prompting her to give him a kiss of gratitude on the cheek - just in time for Frasier to arrive, hammering on the window like Ben Braddock in the wedding scene in The Graduate. Daphne is outraged on Niles' behalf that Frasier thought he was taking advantage of her, but her recital of what Niles loves about Maris loses something in translation:
  Daphne: Why, just moments ago he made a beautiful speech about how much he loves his wife, how he cherishes her excruciating little face, and how they laugh at white people! [Frasier looks at first Daphne, then Niles with absolute confusion; Niles looks a bit embarrassed, while Daphne ponders what she has just said] That didn't sound right, did it?
  Niles: Close enough.
• Over the closing credits, Frasier merrily playing the piano while everyone sings — except for Martin, who's locked outside in the storm and banging on the windows much like Frasier was earlier, unable to make himself heard.

118: And the Whimper Is...

• This episode sees Frasier's first SeaBee nomination. Bebe Glaser delivers the happy news (after false alarms from Noel and Roz), but Niles, true to form, is thoroughly unimpressed:
  Bebe: You must be very proud of Frasier.
  Niles: Well actually... no. This nomination is just one more signpost on the low road of celebrity which my brother has chosen for himself.
  Frasier: [defiant] Well, that's not sibling rivalry rearing its vicious little green snout?
  Niles: Absolutely not. I'm still in the minority who still believes that psychiatry is a noble profession that is tarnished by such things as popularity contests, not to mention a bouncy little radio programme.
  Bebe: [amused] I bet you two had wicked little hair-pulling fights when you were tots!
  [Frasier and Niles both self-consciously touch their hairlines, both in different stages of recession]
• Niles excuses himself from coffee with Frasier and Bebe due to having a sex addiction therapy group and being worried about what will happen if he leaves them alone for too long.
• Frasier opens a bottle of expensive French champagne to celebrate their nomination. Daphne enjoys it, Frasier enjoys it...
  Martin: [pouring beer into his champagne flute] I was in the mood for something domestic.
• Frasier has started catching on to Niles' Maris-related excuses.
  Frasier: Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
  Niles: I did.
• Niles at the award ceremony getting mistaken for a waiter.
• Roz's increasingly angry determination to get her hands on a SeaBee award.

119: Give Him the Chair!

• Frasier throws out Martin's chair while he's out and has to get him a new one before he gets back. He goes with Niles to the furniture store and fumble their way around before finally setting on a chair. No one is exactly pleased with the chair until the showman turns on the massage.
  • Niles' reaction in the store is funny enough...
    Niles: I never knew a chair could be this satisfying! ...I never knew that anything could! ...I want it!
    Frasier: Right, Niles. I'm sure it would fit in with all of Maris' eighteenth-century antiques.
    Niles: Well, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side!
  • ... but it's topped by Daphne's reaction once it's back in the apartment.
    Daphne: This is comfy, although it's a little on the soft side, and I prefer—...hello!... oh, oh!... ooh, this is enough to make me give up me search for a meaningful relationship!
    (someone approaches)
    Frasier: Oh, oh, quick! That's dad! Get out, get out, get out!!
    Daphne: (clearly annoyed) Oh, alright! Just like a man: now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!
  • Then there's Martin's reaction.
    Martin: (beat) That's DISGUSTING!
• When Eddie sees Martin's chair missing, he begins barking at Frasier. Daphne tells him that since the chair is missing and Martin isn't around, he suspects foul play. Frasier reassures him in his own, special way.
  Frasier: Oh, stop it! If I had stuck dad's feet in a bucket of cement, and thrown him into the Puget Sound, you'd have been the tiny little splash that followed him!
• Frasier's dealings with Leo, who doesn't seem to know what his actual role in the apartment building is:
  Frasier: Listen Leo, you have got to find that chair. I don't care what you have to do. Comb the entire building, search the neighbourhood, just find my father's chair!
  Leo: "Dump the chair", "Get the chair", "Find the chair". What am I, the building lackey?
  Frasier: YES!
  Leo: Oh, okay. [leaves]
• Frasier begging people on his radio show if anyone has seen Martin's chair:
  Frasier: Now before I take my first caller, I'd like to make a personal appeal. Last Saturday, my father's chair was taken from in front of the Elliott Bay Towers, and it's a runny split-pea green and mud-brown striped recliner with the occasional spot of stuffing popping out from underneath a strip of duct tape. As incredible as this may seem, I'm offering a handsome reward for its safe return.
• Frasier's listeners, however, are unsympathetic:
  Frasier: So Roz, any update on the chair?
  Roz: Oh yeah, the calls have been pouring in.
  Frasier: Really? And what are they?
  Roz: Well, so far it's been spotted at the top of the Space Needle, in the Governor's Mansion, and a man on Lake Stevens said he saw it flying over his house, but he thought it was just a spaceship from a tacky planet.
• Frasier eventually finds the chair with a high-school drama teacher at the end of her rope. Frasier's desperate attempts to plea with her for the chair back fall on uncaring ears. Making things worse, the teacher catches on to Fras mentioning he'd once played a part in the very thing she's trying to make a production of...

121: Travels with Martin

• At Frasier's suggestion, Martin asks to go on vacation in a Winnebago. The minute Martin leaves the room, Frasier facepalms in despair, and Niles stalks over towards him with a serenely smug grin.
  Frasier: If dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us.
  Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but this is an imposition.
• Niles recounting Martin's driving escapades when they were kids, driving flat-out to cover the most distance in the least time. "I was thirteen when I learned cows weren't blurry." This has left him highly resistant to coming along.
  Niles: I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.
  (Martin and Daphne return from the kitchen)
  Martin: Good news, Daphne's coming!
  Niles: And so am I!
• Daphne says she likes the idea of just going somewhere with only one pair of knickers "and seeing where the road takes me". This distracts Niles, prompting Frasier to swerve to jerk him back to attention, causing Niles to bounce around the back of the RV.
• After finally convincing Martin to stop somewhere, Daphne finds out something just as the group get their photo taken with a stuffed bear.
  Daphne: Why'd she ask for Canadian dollars?
  Martin: Because we're in Canada.
  Daphne: WAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHHH!
• The only word that Daphne can say with an American accent is "sure". This limits her responses to a border policeman who might find out she's not an American citizen.
• While trying to practice passing herself off as American, Daphne declares she needs a cup of tea to soothe her nerves.
  Frasier: TEA?! Why don't you just wave a crumpet over your head and sing "God Save The Queen"?!
• They get out of custody by Martin claiming that Eddie isn't up to date on his shots. Frasier sees this as an opportunity.
  Frasier: ...Just take the little dog and we'll be off!
• Eddie of course isn't pleased by what he heard, so he barks at Frasier the next time he sees him.
  Frasier: They would have returned you eventually!
• After initially just heading back to Seattle after their trip across the border, Frasier and Martin (Niles and Daphne are asleep in the back) decide to head to Yellowstone. Martin jokes that he'll tell Daphne that they're in Mexico when she wakes up.
• The end tag showing a POV shot of Niles videotaping Daphne while she slept, Daphne waking up with a horrified look on her face, and Niles turning to face Frasier giving him a Disapproving Look.

122: Author, Author

• Frasier and Niles reciting their old prep school cadence.
  Niles and Frasier: While some boys go to college, but we think they're all wussies, cause they get all the knowledge, while we get all the (breaks off into humming)
• Niles and Frasier's initial attempt at writing the book takes place at Frasier's, while Martin tries to watch the Sonics game. To keep from disturbing Martin, Frasier gets Martin some wireless headphones, allowing him to hear the game without disturbing the brothers. When he first tries them on, Niles and Frasier take the opportunity to belittle Martin. Too bad that the headphones aren't as quiet as they think.
  Martin: (without looking at them) Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.
• Niles joins Frasier on his radio show, where he quickly gets on Frasier's nerves.
  Frasier: Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I have a very special guest with me today, my brother, the eminent psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane.
  Niles: (in a Dumbass DJ voice) Hello Emerald City, what's doing what's happening! (Frasier slams on the mute button)
  Frasier: (in his normal voice) What the hell do you think you're doing?
  Niles: (in his normal voice) That was my radio persona. Every great radio personality has one.
  Frasier: I don't!
  Niles: My point exactly.
  Frasier: (rolls his eyes) Just try to be yourself, will you? (lets go of the mute button and slips back into his radio voice) Our topic today, is siblings. What makes you love them, what makes you hate them, what-
  Niles: (interrupting) What little things do they do that especially annoy you? These could be things from your childhood. Or they could be things from your adolescence. Or they could be things from your young adulthood. Or they could be-
  Frasier: (interrupting) They could be things that are going on right now!
  • Niles then steals Frasier's catchphrase on their very first caller, and on their final caller, a woman who lost her hair and dreaded showing her sisters, only for them to shave themselves bald in solidarity, Frasier tries to show his own for Niles by saying he would shave his head for him, to which Niles replies "a gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year."
• The brothers Crane descending into a brawl after being cooped up with each other for too long.
  (Niles has gained the upper hand and has Frasier in a headlock)
  Frasier: Niles! Niles! Stop it! We're psychiatrists, not pugilists! (Niles foolishly lets him go) I can't believe you fell for that! (Frasier puts Niles in a headlock of his own before throwing him on the bed)
  Niles: (as Frasier is trying to strangle him) My God, my God, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
  Frasier: You - stole - my - mommy!
  Niles: What!?

123: Frasier Crane's Day Off

• Frasier, sick with the flu, tries go to work, but Daphne tries to talk him out of it, noting he's "all pasty and clammy and pale." Martin notes that if an English person is saying that Frasier must be in bad shape.
• Martin is not too sympathetic to the idea of Frasier being too ill to work (at least not after Frasier zings him for getting shot).
  Martin: At least I had a real job. Half your listening audience hears voices already, and the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?
• Frasier insists he doesn't need to stay home, but the façade only lasts so long.
  Frasier: Dad, Daphne, thank you, thank you, but, ah, I am a physician, I believe I am the best monitor of my own condition. I'm fine, fit as a fiddle.
  (Frasier leaves the apartment. Martin shrugs and goes back to his newspaper. Daphne gets barely two steps before the doorbell rings, she turns around and opens the door)
  Frasier: (weakly) I'm siiiiiick!
• With Frasier down with flu and no longer trusting Gil Chesterton to fill in for him without trying to steal his time slot, he sends Niles in as a replacement since he at least has the psychiatric training needed for the job. As the second act opens, Roz is showing him around Frasier's booth:
  Roz: ... and here's the cough button in case you need to cough or clear your throat. [picks up a tape] And most important, here's an extra long commercial to use if you need a bathroom break.
  Niles: [chuckles] Thank you, but those won't be necessary - I have no cough reflex, and excellent bladder control.
  Roz: [deadpan] It's true. All the good ones are married.
• In the third act, a now recovered Frasier returns to work, and thanks Gil and Niles for taking over from him during his indisposition, not taking in the decidedly sinister looks and waves they give him while watching him through the booth window. As Roz introduces his first caller, he presses a button... and his chair explodes. Cut to a still sick Frasier sitting up in bed in alarm.
• Fresh from his Catapult Nightmare, Frasier is now paranoid that Niles is trying to steal his slot and returns to the studio drugged to the gills. He eventually locks himself in the booth, and chaos ensues as he cuts off one caller, Robert (Tommy Hilfiger) by saying they've already had a Robert on the show (partly because he isn't paying full attention when Robert originally introduces himself and thinks there are two Roberts), dismisses a second caller, Janice (Patty Hearst), who is having in-law trouble as "BORING!", then, after telling the third caller, Marjorie (Mary Tyler Moore), that she is "on the crane with Frasier Air", gets distracted while leading her in a roleplay conversation between her and her boss by the trails his hand is leaving that only he can see, then suggesting they go through the exercise again but with their roles reversed. Roz is finally able to summon security, who wheel Frasier out of the booth in his chair. Niles tries to pass off the debacle as a simulation of the hazards of overmedication:
  Niles: [as security chase Frasier past the booth] Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it "dope"!
• The next morning, Frasier wakes up, terrified at what he can remember, and Daphne (who's just spent the last several days putting up with Frasier's demands) informs him it was All Just a Dream...
  Martin: Why'd you tell him it was a dream?
  Daphne: No fun telling him the truth now, when he's all doped up. I'll wait till tomorrow morning when he's good and lucid.
• The Tag where Roz dreams that Eddie the dog has replaced her as producer on Frasier's radio show.

124: My Coffee With Niles

• Niles has a classic Freudian Slip when Daphne thanks him for speaking the Queen's English.
  Niles: Oh, here. Take my bumbershoot.
  Daphne: Oh, isn't that nice. Well, at least someone appreciates my mother tongue.
  Niles: Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.
  Frasier: Niles!
• Martin comes into the coffee shop with Eddie. When the staff tries to tell him no dogs are allowed, he pretends to be blind.

Season 2

201: Slow Tango in South Seattle

• Finding a former Cheers patron who's written a book based on something Frasier told him in confidence claiming his inspiration was in fact God gets Frasier, who'd been expecting some credit, riled...
  Frasier: Can you believe this man's grandiosity? I'm God and he knows it!
• When Frasier ducks around telling Niles and his father what Slow Tango In South Seattle is about, Daphne steps in to tell them it's about how he lost his virginity. Martin takes the opportunity to get some digs in.
  Martin: So this whole book is about the night you conceived Frederick? (he and Niles laugh)
  Frasier: Very funny, Dad. I'll have you know that wasn't my first time.
  Martin: Hey, I'm just happy to know it wasn't your only time.
  • Once Frasier storms off to confront the author Martin and Niles both immediately try to grab Daphne's copy of the book off the coffee table to read for themselves.

202: The Unkindest Cut of All

• Frasier bringing the puppies to the station gives us several moments of hilarity.
  • Frasier tries to convince Roz to adopt one of them.
    Roz: (cooing) Ooh, he's adorable! Oh, come here little fella. Oh, aren't you the cutest little thing? Oh, oh, oh, yeah, give me a little kiss. (puppy licks her) Ooh, I love you too! (shoves the puppy back at Frasier) There, happy now?
    Frasier: Roz! How can you just toss him aside after such a tender display of affection?
    Roz: I can do it with men, too.
  • Which becomes a funny meta joke since Peri Giplin adopted one of the puppies in real life.
  • Just before going on air Frasier spies a coworker walking past the booth and holds up a puppy to offer to him. The coworker makes a sign of a cross with his fingers and starts running away.
  • When Rita (Lily Tomlin) describes how hard it is being a single mom raising four kids, Frasier has the gall to ask her if she’s "considered getting a puppy".
• Daphne instantly bonds with the puppies and doesn't want to give them up. She chases off the family looking to adopt the last one while Frasier is out of the room. He's not amused when he returns and sees the puppy is still there.
  Daphne: They struck me as unfit guardians!
  Frasier: For God's sake, he works at the zoo! She's a nurse, Billy's an altar boy and Kathy is a Camp-Fire Girl!
  Daphne: They had a dark aura.
  Frasier: They had a ten-acre farm! If they'd have taken me, I'd have gone with them!

203: The Matchmaker

• The episode begins with Daphne setting off the apartment's smoke alarm because she's been smoking in bed, depressed over her lack of romantic entanglements. Frasier, despite it being 3 a.m. and needing to get up in the morning, tries offering a sympathetic ear by comparing his own love life from Cheers.
  Frasier: You know, I remember a time back in Boston, I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid. Sophisticated, if just a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love. We got engaged. Of course, she left me standing at the altar, (Daphne's smile fades) but the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith. (Daphne, now looking glum, gets out another cigarette) Put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button. (he shrugs, Daphne lights up her cigarette) I've rebounded, and look how far I've come. ... I'm divorced, lonely... living with my father.
  (Frasier takes Daphne's cigarette from her and starts smoking it)
• The second act begins with Roz finding a despondent Frasier sitting alone in Nervosa, while Niles gets them coffees. She offers to help Daphne by recommending one of her ex-lovers. Niles, not having heard this part of the conversation, asks what's going on. Naturally, it takes a moment for it to sink in for Niles, but when it does...
  Niles: My God, Frasier. Sven, Gunter, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne in baby oil and hurl her over a prison wall?
  Roz: Excuse me, but I dated all these guys.
  Niles: Where do you think I came up with the imagery?
• The entire second half of the episode is one big Funny Moment featuring one hilarious Mistaken for Gay joke after the other. For example, when Niles thinks Tom, the new station manager, is chasing Daphne, who has a thing for him.
  Tom: Oh. It must be all in my head, but I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Frasier.
  Niles: (haughty) Well, if you must know... (double take, pause) I'm sorry, what was the question?
  Tom: Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?
  Niles: (serene and smug) No.
  Frasier: (coming into the kitchen) Now Niles, I didn't ask Tom to dinner so he'd end up talking to you all night in the kitchen. There are others who'd like to have a crack at him. (escorts Tom out onto the balcony)
  (Niles spins in place joyfully before Martin comes in)
  Martin: Hey, that Tom's a great guy, huh? You think maybe him and Daphne....(begins motioning with his hand)
  (Niles laughs without opening his mouth)
• Frasier, of course, doesn't help himself, not knowing Tom is gay, so when Tom comes around...
  Tom: (seeing the skyline from Frasier's apartment) That's a hell of a view.
  Frasier: It's even better from the bedroom.
• Or when Frasier reveals he lives with his dad.
  Tom: Doesn't having [Martin] here kind of put a crimp in your love life?
  Frasier: Oh, not at all, no. Well, except when I bring my dates home and he tries to steal them.
• Shortly afterwards, Martin comes into the kitchen, while Tom, Daphne and Frasier are out on the balcony.
  Daphne: I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.
  (they hear Martin cackling like a maniac from the kitchen)
• Eventually, Niles breaks the truth to Frasier (having won the coin toss with Martin). Frasier is utterly dumbfounded.
  Frasier: All I did was ask him if he was attached. Then we talked about the theatre and men's fashion - Oh, my God. Niles, you realize what this means?
  Niles: Yes. You're dating your boss. (Frasier glowers at him, but Niles remains stone-faced) You of all people should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.
• Daphne spends the entire night complaining about wearing a strapless bra. But seeing Tom has her thinking it's worth it to date him. Too bad Frasier and Tom get the worst timing:
  Tom: You really had no idea I'm gay?
  (Daphne, who'd been walking into the room, stops, turns around heading back to her room and removes her bra without breaking stride)
• At the very end of the episode, Tom and Frasier clear things up, with Frasier clarifying that neither he, Martin or Niles are gay. Despite Niles having apparently mentioned Maris more than once that evening.
  Tom: So wait a minute, this "Maris" guy [Niles] kept mentioning is a woman?
  Frasier: Well, the jury's still out on that one.

204: Flour Child

• The title character is a bag of flour Niles "adopts" as a child to see how he would fare as a parent. Especially funny when it gets run through with a sword, drop-kicked into the reflecting pool, and eaten by Eddie. And Eddie ripping the 'flour child' apart in puffs of flour as Daphne looks mildly on and declares in an Australian accent, "A dingo's got yer baby..."
  Niles: A real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
• This exchange when Niles starts the flour baby experiment:
  Niles: [searching Frasier's kitchen] Here it is, "extra refined"! He's taking after his old man already.
  Frasier: No, Niles, that's the sugar. If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right. [takes out a different bag] Now, here is the flour. [reading] Hm, "bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an airtight container". Seems this one is taking after his mother.
• Niles gets so attached to the bag of flour that he starts having nightmares of it being kidnapped and the kidnapper sending him muffins in the mail.
• Niles tries to include Martin in his little experiment, but the old man is having none of it.
  Niles: I'm role playing, dad.
  Martin: Try playing the role of a sane person.
• Daphne, seeing Niles' experiment, gives the first mention of her... "strained" relationship with her mother, resulting in Daphne roleplaying herself and her mother, before getting into an argument with "her".
  Frasier: I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.
• The Cranes accidentally walk-in while Daphne's only wearing a Modesty Towel. She snaps at them to turn around while she puts on her bathrobe. Fraisier and Martin do a 180-degree, while Niles does a 360.
• Early in the episode, Frasier is told to sign a cutesy-looking card for the radio station's elderly security guard, Clarence. Assuming that it's a birthday card, Frasier signs the card with a darkly humorous quip about old age... only to find out that it's actually a get-well-soon card and that Clarence is very ill.
  Frasier: You mean that wasn't a birthday card?
  Roz: No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
  Frasier: Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday. I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death!"
  Roz: How could you think it was his birthday?
  Frasier: I don't know, I guess I just didn't recognise the traditional card for a man in an advanced state of kidney failure was a giant pink bunny rabbit.
• Frasier decides that he must get the card back before Clarence finds out. Niles insists that Frasier stay and help him take care of the flour sack, leading to this brilliant line:
  Frasier: Oh, Niles! I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity! I have to go and steal a get-well card from a kidney patient!

205: Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye

• The episode begins with Roz disappearing from the producer's booth mid-show; Frasier discovers her raging against a vending machine trying to get some chocolate after finishing a magazine diet. All she can get are some chocolate covered raisins, though, and she gives up and decides to just suck the chocolate off. When Niles walks in and finds her spitting raisins into a cup, he delivers this banger:
  Niles: I see all those years of finishing school really paid off.
• Roz gets back at Niles while helping convince Frasier to invest alongside him in a mini-mall, despite Frasier believing that Niles is doing it under Maris's influence.
  Roz: Oh, come on, Frasier, show some understanding. Maris uses her money to emasculate the poor guy, and this is his pathetic attempt to stop feeling like a financial eunuch and regain some shred of his former manhood...(looking Niles up and down)...such as it was.
  Niles: (expectantly) Well?
  • Frasier agrees and Niles leaves after one more exchange with Roz.
    Niles: Thank you, Roz. That financial eunuch bit was inspired! Great stuff, great stuff!
    Roz: Yeah, well, look what I had to work with.

206: The Botched Language of Cranes

• After Frasier makes what he thought was an innocuous remark about Seattle and telling a woman she should leave, he spends the next few days getting angry phone calls, both at work and his house. So, in an effort to make up for it, he agrees to emcee a charity dinner at a hospital. When he tries to call Father Mike to get some jokes for the dinner, he gets preempted by another angry caller, prompting him to hang up. He then turns to Daphne and tells her that that was her grandmother, calling to say her hip was out again.
• Roz, at a dinner for a nun-run hospital, claims she wanted to be a nun as a kid:
  Father Mike: Really? What changed your mind?
  (Roz pauses, and starts to smile innocently)
  Roz: I didn't want to work weekends.
• Niles calling Maris chasing down a fellow socialite like a horse race announcer.
• Before Frasier can start his hosting duties, Father Mike announces that the local bishop was lost at seas on a fishing trip. Frasier misses the announcement because he was in the restroom dealing with last minute nerves, so when he comes back, he goes on to tell some of Father Mike's jokes, which involves priests and bishops on the Titanic.

207: The Candidate

• Martin's endorsement campaign for a Republican candidate. His first is pretty standard stuff. The second, meanwhile, has him showing off his bullet wound to the camera. Which involves turning his back and bringing his pants down. We only see Frasier and Niles's reaction, which probably is for the best.
• Frasier endorses a candidate for Congress, calling him 'the sane choice. Later, that candidate (Phil Paterson) reveals to Frasier that he believes he was abducted by aliens. In a few weeks, a scandal goes out about Paterson having illegal aliens working for him. Frasier believes that it has been made public that Paterson believes in actual aliens. He attempts to remedy the public's doubt by talking about it on his radio show, only for him to blow the whole 'alien abduction' thing public, too.
  Paterson: It's OK, Frasier. Maybe I'll try running for office in California instead. Something like this might actually help me there.
• After Paterson leaves, Frasier sees a strange light searching outside his apartment, and starts panicking... it's just Chopper Dave buzzing his apartment.

208: Adventures in Paradise, Part 1

• The entire scene of Frasier settling a domestic dispute inside a French restaurant. Watch for yourselves.
• Niles, warning Frasier about the perils of his relationship, says just a little too much.
  Niles: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? (getting increasingly agitated) Someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!
  (beat, as Niles realizes what he's said)
  Niles: Marriage. ... I have to go now.
• The reveal of just who's next to Frasier's apartment at the resort, as Frasier enjoys a balcony view while Marianne gets prepared...
  Frasier: (seeing Marianne) My God..
  Voice: Frasier?!
  (Frasier sees the source of the voice - it's Lilith, in the balcony right next to his)
  Frasier: OH MY GOD!

209: Adventures in Paradise, Part 2

• Having inadvertently driven away Frasier's date, Lilith borrows some fruit-on-a-stick and sits down in Martin's chair. Frasier, having left the room to get rid of Eddie, assumes she's Marianne... until Lilith stands up.
  Frasier: Get ready for some forbidden fruit... (sees it's Lilith) YAAAAAAGH!
• Lilith reveals that she's getting remarried. Everyone stares at her for a moment until she clarifies that it's to someone other than Frasier. Martin then throws his cane aside and staggers halfway across the room to hug her. This is probably the fastest he's ever moved on the show.
• Diane's first appearance on Frasier, despite being an Imagine Spot:
  Diane: Frasier?!

211: Seat of Power

• The Crane Boys trying to fix a toilet. Hilarity Ensues. Meanwhile, Niles informing Maris about their efforts gets her turned on...
• Niles repeatedly making a move to dunk old school bully Danny Kreizel a swirly, only for Kreizel to pop his head up at the last second. The second to last time, Niles tries using his foot, but when Kreizel pops up again, Niles covers by pretending he was stretching out his thigh.
• After Frasier has to stop Niles from giving the plumber Kreizel, (played by John C. McGinley) a swirly as long-overdue revenge, the next scene opens with Niles out on the balcony, stomping back and forth and swatting Frasier's ficus plant as Frasier watches. Daphne comes in and, after Frasier explains what happened, admits that she's never seen Niles so upset. Meanwhile, Niles's swats get crazier and crazier as he switches from Percussive Therapy to "Get this thing off of me!", until Frasier lets him in:

  Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!

• Eventually, Frasier convinces Niles to have it out with Danny, which leads to the two reconciling and Niles helping Danny out with his issues. Meanwhile, Frasier ends up talking to Danny's older brother Billy, who bullied him when he was in school. During the conversation, Billy mentions a few of the things he did to Frasier back then (unaware that he's talking to the victim of those pranks), making Frasier angrier and angrier until he abandons his own advice and gives Billy an off-screen swirly. Cut to Frasier running for his life from an angry (and soaked) Billy.

212: Roz in the Doghouse

• Frasier falls headfirst into Tempting Fate when he asks Gil how difficult it can be to find a "halfway competent" replacement for Roz while he waits for Bulldog to drive her away by putting the moves on her. Cut to a Terrible Interviewees Montage of a chain smoker who is nearly invisible in a cloud of cigarette smoke, a Crazy Cat Lady who decorates the booth with countless cat photos and has an actual cat on the console, a very well-endowed woman whose chest Frasier struggles not to ogle, an easily-stressed neurotic who has a breakdown at the volume of calls he must handle, and an elderly man who falls asleep at the console. All set to the song "Mr. Pitiful" by The Commitments.
• In the first act, Niles buys Martin a fancy pair of Italian shoes handmade by an artisan on a hilltop above Florence; naturally, the shoes are emphatically not Martin's style, so he and Daphne eventually shop for a replacement pair of tacky 1990s sneakers:
  Martin: But hey, get a load of these! [he walks a few steps away, revealing that the shoes have pressure-activated LEDs in the heels] They light up when I walk away!
  Frasier: Doesn't everyone?
• Daphne asks Frasier why he can't just admit that he's wrong. Frasier's answer speaks volumes about his worldview.
  Frasier: You don't understand! It's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong! I have a degree from Harvard! Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense!
• When Frasier's elderly producer shows up at Cafe Nervosa long after their broadcast has ended and tells him off for not waking him up, he decides to give in to Daphne and Martin's prodding that he apologise to Roz, as it looks as though Bulldog will never make his move and drive her away. His timing is impeccable:
  [Roz and Bulldog are preparing for their next broadcast when Bulldog ostensibly aggravates a muscle injury and has Roz massage it]
  Roz: You know, I never would have thought this a couple of weeks ago, but you and I have great chemistry together, don't we?
  Bulldog: Uh-huh. I like chemistry. I flunked it, but I like it. You got any of that, uh... Wild Turkey left?
  Roz: Yeah, sure. [she heads into the kitchen and continues to talk from off screen] You know, I gotta be honest with you, Bulldog... when we first started working together, I never thought it would turn out like this! Did you?
  Bulldog: All along. [he rips off his shirt in one swift motion and then removes his jeans so that he is down to his boxer shorts] Hey, uh, Roz, you'd better make mine a double. I'm a double kind of guy. [he grabs a bag and removes a vase with a single red rose and a red candle, which he puts on the end table by Roz' bed]
  Roz: Uh-uh! You're only going to get a little! There's a lot I want to do tonight, and I want you to keep up with me!
  Bulldog: Yeah, well, uh... [he removes a long feather from his bag, thinks for a moment, then puts it in his underwear] all I ask is that you give me a couple of twenty-minute breaks. [he removes a boom box from the bag and switches it on]
  Roz: What's that?
  Bulldog: I, uh... I thought a little music might be, uh, might be nice. [he produces a handful of rose petals and sprinkles them around the room, then pulls back the bedclothes and sprinkles them on the mattress as he climbs across the bed]
  Roz: Can you concentrate with that on?
  Bulldog: Oh yeah, yeah! Actually, uh, I find, uh... [he empties a splash from a bottle of cologne onto his hand and smears it on his chest] the distraction helps me. [he pulls out a stove igniter and a pair of handcuffs, then thinks] Nah, second date. Don't be pushy. [he drops the cuffs] This is great, Roz - us working like this. [uses the igniter to light the candle, then to warm the rose petals] Hey, uh... did you and the doc ever end up working... [the feather in his shorts catches a flame and ignites; he rips it out and stamps it out]
  Roz: What?
  Bulldog: Did you and the doc ever, uh... end up working like this?
  Roz: Oh yeah. We tried it once, but he complained I talked too much.
  Bulldog: [taking his place on the bed] Oh, yeah? I would have figured you for a screamer.
  Roz: [enters from the kitchen with two glasses of bourbon and takes in the sight] AHHHHHH! [drops the glasses] What the hell are you doing in my bed!? GET OUT! [she starts attacking him with a pillow] Get out! I asked you over here to work, you disgusting pervert!
  Bulldog: Hey, hey, hey! You're going to have to slow down! I'm getting some mixed signals here! [Roz hurls the pillow down, blows out the candle, switches off the stereo, and scoops up Bulldog's clothes before running to the window and opening it] What are you doing?!
  Roz: Is this clear enough for you!? [she throws his clothes through the window]
  Bulldog: Hey, are you crazy?! My wallet's in there!
  Roz: GET OUT! NOW!
  [Roz throws opens the door, not noticing Frasier standing there with a huge bouquet of flowers and his hand raised to knock, having obviously decided to deliver a grovelling apology and picking the perfect time to arrive]
  Bulldog: Get out of my way, Doc. [he pushes past Frasier; Roz finally sees the latter and Facepalms in horrified despair]
  Roz: Ohhh...
  Frasier: [barely containing his triumphant glee] I'm listening.
• In The Tag, the elderly producer who fell asleep during Frasier's show is now producing Bulldog's show and has seemingly fallen asleep again. Bulldog tries calling to him, then tapping the mic with a drumstick, then blowing a whistle, then tapping the glass with a drumstick, then entering his booth and blaring a bicycle horn into his ear... then he checks the man's pulse...

213: Retirement is Murder

• Niles at the basketball game misunderstanding the situation when a packet of peanuts gets thrown at him, repeatedly throwing it back.
• Martin is able to solve the one murder case that had eluded him for years, with a little bit of help from Frasier. However, the two had reached different conclusions to who did it, with Frasier thinking one of the suspects had trained his pet chimp to do it for him, giving him an alibi (it was a much more mundane murder, with a rogue vice cop catching a case of Love Makes You Evil). Martin's friends at the station come to celebrate with him after they followed up on Martin's tip, when Martin tells the guys it was with Frasier's help that the case was cracked, not knowing that they reached two different conclusions. So Fras takes to the time to explain his theory, only to be greeted by the incredulous stares of everyone present. After Martin reveals what actually happened in the case, he and all of his buddies take turns making monkey puns at Frasier.
• In The Tag, Frasier comes home from work, to see Daphne with BBQ sauce all over her face and her arms in a ridiculous death pose, with Eddie standing over her with Martin's gun in his mouth.

214: Fool Me Once, Shame on You. Fool Me Twice...

• Frasier plans to meet the guy who stole his briefcase at Nervosa. Niles points out a little flaw in his thinking.
  Niles: Frasier, the person who stole your car keys asked you to meet him here, knowing you'd bring your car.
  Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be (looks out the window) MOVING DOWN THE STREET! (rushes to his feet) Stop, stop that well-dressed man!
• Frasier getting dragged off by the police thanks to the con artist and a woman he'd tried flirting with misidentifying him as the imposter.
  Frasier: People of the world, hear me: Trust no-one, (points at the con artist) especially that lazy bastard!

215: You Scratch My Book...

• Daphne suggests that Frasier reads one of Honey Snow's books:
  Frasier: Well, I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.
• This line:
  Frasier: What's going on here?
  Daphne: Your brother just gave me $200, and now he's gonna roll me over!
  Frasier: [Beat] Niles?
  Niles: Communications breakdown.
  Frasier: Good.

216: The Show Where Sam Shows Up

• Frasier ends his show with the reading of a call in contest.
  Frasier: Well, that's our, show for today. Don't forget, (Roz starts signaling to him) Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe is up next, oh yes, this is K-ACL Cash Call Week, $5,000 if you answer your phone with the phrase that pays, so when your phone rings, don't say hello, say (Sam walks up to the window) WELL, BLOW ME DOWN!
• Roz, who never met a man she didn't want to pursue (apart from the Cranes), meets Sam, who never met a woman he didn't want to pursue. Despite - or, rather because of - Frasier's many stories about Sam's womanising ways, Roz asks if he needs someone to show him around Seattle, and he says he gets "real lost in [his] hotel room". "I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent," says Frasier.
  Roz: Well, if you need any company, give me a call. (gives Sam her card) Here's my number.
  Sam: Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card!
  Frasier: (drily) It glows in the dark.
  Roz: (grins) So do I!
• Frasier explaining away the Series Continuity Error of suddenly having his father living with him after claiming he was dead back on Cheers.
  Martin: What'd he tell you about me Sam, the father, the old cop?
  Sam: Uh, he told me you were dead.
  Martin: (turns to Frasier) Dead?!
  Frasier: Well we had had an argument. You called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
  Sam: (to Martin) You're a cop? (to Frasier) You told me he was a research scientist. (Martin looks at Frasier in disbelief)
  Frasier: You were dead, what did it matter?!
  • And just before:
    Sam: (being introduced to Niles) Wow... man, this is freaky. (to Frasier) He looks just... just like you did when I met you.^note David Hyde Pierce was cast as Frasier's brother due to his uncanny resemblance to a young Kelsey Grammer What happened, huh?
    Frasier: Wasn't exactly a health club you were running there, Sam. (walks away to get a drink)
    Sam: (to Niles) This is strange, I gotta tell you. See, I didn't- I didn't know he had a brother.
    Niles: (glaring at Frasier, then) Frasier, I don't mind telling you I'm a little offended that in all the time you spent swapping bon mots with the beer-nut set, you never once mentioned you had a brother?!
    Sam: No, you know, the truth is, I bet he said something; it's just that when Frasier gets going, you kind of have to tune him out. (Martin laughs)
    Niles: (smirking) That's a good slogan for his radio show - "Dr. Frasier Crane: when he gets going, you have to tune him out!"
• Sam's fiancée admits to having sex with members of Cheers. Frasier slept with her as well, but he's afraid Sam will be upset if he finds out. However, she says that she was embarrassed about sleeping with Paul (the dumpy balding barfly). Sam is... sort of... okay with that. But then she reveals there was someone else, and Frasier starts panicking again - until she reveals that she also slept with...
  Sam: Cliff? Cliff... you? You slept with Cliff? CLIFF?! Oh no, that's it, wedding's off! (storms away) Cliff - oh, God!
  Sheila: Whoa... Frasier, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to him.
  (Frasier sits down on the couch, in full Heroic BSoD)
  Frasier: I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?!
• During The Tag, on his way home from dropping Sam off at the airport, Frasier is castigating himself, "Cliff? Cliff?! CLIFF?!?!" (You don't hear him say anything, but the lip-reading isn't too difficult.)

217: Daphne's Room

• As the episode opens, Frasier is searching the living room for a book. As he walks over to the piano, he starts picking out the melody from the second movement of Mozart's Piano Concerto No.21, but soon shifts to a four-note ascending scale... which he recognizes as the intro to Jerry Lee Lewis' "Great Balls of Fire". So he sits down and launches into a full-throated rendition of the first verse, finishing with a Lewis-style glissando that spins him around on the bench - just in time to see Martin and Niles entering, at which point he quickly goes back to picking out the Mozart melody.
• Niles and Maris have had yet another bust-up after he foolishly took her at her word when she insisted that she wanted no acknowledgment whatever of her 40th birthday (not her first 40th birthday, according to Frasier). Martin tries suggesting perfume ("She gets hives"), chocolates ("Hypoglycaemic"), and roses ("Allergic"), but Niles comes up with the perfect solution - and is well aware that Frasier and Martin will not be on board for it:
  Niles: I know! I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend. [gasps as inspiration strikes] It'll be a costumed ball, with a, a Louis Quatorze theme right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons! [hurries to the front door and opens it] May I presume you're both coming down with colds? [Frasier and Martin cough loudly; Niles smiles knowingly] And so it goes. [leaves]
• Frasier reveals why Daphne is mad at him, causing Niles to chastise him, only to start getting lost in thought:
  Martin: What did you do?
  Frasier: This morning I went into her bedroom.
  Niles: (outraged) Frasier, how could you?! (Frasier rolls his eyes) No matter how irresistible the urge to venture down that hallway, to press your face against that door-
  (Martin starts looking at Niles like he's an idiot)
  Niles: To actually feel the grain of the wood against your cheek, it must be fought, it must be fought!
  Frasier: Oh Niles!
• This nugget of wisdom from Martin, made funnier by the fact that even Frasier and Niles chuckle along with it.
  Martin: Women protect their privacy. You know how they are about their handbags, you never go in there! It's always "bring me my purse!" A husband could say "honey, I'm being robbed, the guy's holding a gun to my head, and I don't have any money." The wife would say "bring me my purse."
• Martin recruits Niles' help in getting the garbage disposal unjammed, and while he has his hand in the pipe, Frasier chooses that moment to start grinding coffee beans. Niles panics, and throws himself back so hard he falls onto a countertop and knocks over a tea set.
• When Niles gets ready to leave for the night, he asks for Frasier to loan him some cash to tip the parking attendant with. Frasier reaches into his pocket to give him some, but pulls out the bottle of pills that he filched from Daphne's room when he was snooping earlier. When he notes them, Niles gives us this gem:
  Niles: Well I was thinking money, but you know him better.
• Niles trying to get Frasier to describe what Daphne looks like after Frasier reveals he saw her in the shower. He first wants to get him explain every minute detail, then when that fails, he tries to draw what she looks like from his imagination and have Frasier confirm which details are right.
• Martin tells Frasier to go apologize to Daphne, only for Frasier to refuse because he's too embarrassed about being caught in her room twice. This leads Martin to lambast Frasier, because when he told him not to go, he went, and when he's telling him to go he's refusing. As he leaves, he says that at least Eddie does what he tells him. So Frasier, in an act of childish pettiness, grabs Eddie by the tail to keep him from following Martin.
• Every time Frasier heads to Daphne's room Niles tries to follow, only to be told to stay like he's a dog.
• The climax of the episode: Thanks to Niles being a prat, he and Frasier wind up in Daphne's bedroom, and then Martin stumbles in on them making a mess. Things get worse from there, with Eddie even coming in snatching one of Daphne's bras, until Daphne, having apparently left the house, comes back in and stumbles on the scene.

221: An Affair to Forget

• One of Frasier's call-in patients puts him on the trail of a possible affair between Maris and her fencing instructor, Gunter. One can't-keep-his-mouth-shut moment later, Niles is leaping to conclusions and challenging the man to a duel. Here's the entire scene.
  Niles: En garde!
  Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles, that's just what we need: a FOURTH language!
  • How does Frasier realize it's Maris his caller's talking about? Gunter apparently wrote a love letter to her, and in it, he wrote "nicht eine menschliche Frau."
    Frasier: ...And what is that?
    Gretchen: I don't know if there's a word in English. The closest translation is, "not quite human woman."
    Frasier: (covers his microphone in shock, then sobs) Oh my God, it is her.
• Frasier and Martin talking about whether Maris's fencing instructor is the same Gunter he's hearing about on his show prompts an epic level of Martin snark.
  Martin: I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors with dozens of students.
  Frasier: Yes, but are they wealthy students?
  Martin: No, they're young inner city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream(!)
• Even Roz can figure out who Frasier's talking about from her sheer weirdness, even when he's being tactful.
  Frasier: You don't know this woman, she doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart.
  Roz: Whoa, it's Maris.
• With Niles at rapier-point, Frasier has to admit he made something of a translation error:
  Frasier: He didn't steal your... shoes?
  (Frasier squirms)
  Niles: My shoes?
  Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry. Apparently I mistranslated.
• The following scene, with Gunter (who only speaks German) having to be translated via Marta (who speaks German, but can't speak English and has problems with pronouns) via Frasier.
  Frasier: (translating what Marta said) He couldn't help it. Maris is irresistible... irresistible?
  Marta: (shrugs, checks with Gunter)
  Gunter: Ja.
  Marta: Si.
  Frasier: Okay...

222: Agents in America, Part III

• The episode opens in Café Nervosa as Bebe Glaser (described by Niles when he spots her but blanks on her name as "Lady Macbeth without the sincerity") tries to persuade Frasier to aggressively pursue a substantial raise as he negotiates his contract renewal at KACL. She claims to be getting offers from other radio stations every day, and finally, Niles interjects:
  Niles: Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table. [extends his hand toward Bebe]
  Bebe: [shakes Niles' hand] Niles, thank God you're here, back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
  Niles: She's the devil, Frasier - run fast, run far.
• Bebe later admits that there are no other job offers, but she does succeed in persuading the station to re-negotiate Frasier's contract from scratch. They celebrate with some champagne... and the next morning, Frasier is horrified to discover that he and Bebe ended up sleeping together as she enters wearing nothing but her shoes and the shirt he was wearing the previous day.
  • Martin and Daphne share Frasier's horror:
    Martin: [hurrying to the kitchen] I, uh, think I'll go in the other room and eat my breakfast. [sotto voce] While I still can.
    Daphne: I better go cook for him. [looking at Bebe] I know how the Crane men like their legs- eggs! [flees to the kitchen]
  • But the funniest reaction is from Niles, when he arrives:
    Bebe: (answering the door, still only in Frasier's shirt and her own shoes) Good morning, Niles! What a lovely surprise! We were just about to sit down to a big family breakfast. Won't you join us?
    (Niles gives a very frozen smile, and rings the doorbell again. Frasier grimaces and nods, admitting to everything, before waving Niles in)
    Frasier: Come on in, Niles... it's all right. (guides Niles into the living room as Bebe snuggles up behind him) We were... we were celebrating, you see, the station called to renegotiate my contact.
    Niles: Ah. (takes in the sight of Bebe and Frasier) Paid your commission up front, I see.
  • Later, Niles takes a slightly different tack:
    Frasier: Well, all right, just go ahead, get your shots in!
    Niles: No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.
• Frasier, stuck watching daytime soaps with Daphne, snarking at the improbable names.
  Frasier: "Oh, Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you, he loves Placenta!"
• The final act of the episode involves Bebe faking a suicide attempt in order to make Frasier look like a hero so the negotiations go into his favor. Frasier is not happy upon finding out, as he thought she was going to actually jump because he rejected her advances, down to outright calling her a "crazy bitch". The icing on the cake is provided by Bulldog's reasons for why she shouldn't jump:
  Bulldog: You got to save her, Doc. My contract's up in six weeks. She's my agent, too.
• Ultimately, Frasier tears into Bebe for manipulating him, KACL, the media and the whole of Seattle. Bebe's only response?
  Bebe: Aren't you glad I'm on your side?
  (Frasier thinks about this)
  Frasier: I suppose I am.

223: The Innkeepers

• In the first scene, Gil reveals to Frasier, Roz, and his listeners that Orsini's, a faded star in Seattle's fine dining firmament, is closing its doors after 53 years. Niles arrives with a first edition of John Steinbeck's Saint Katy the Virgin (when he tells Frasier he picked "her" up in like-new condition, Frasier says, "Well, she would have to be, wouldn't she?"), and we get a hilarious exchange of snark between Niles and Roz:
  Niles: Quite a charming book, really, it's a shame more people haven't read it.
  Roz: Ooh, let's see!
  Niles: [pulling the book away from her] Don't - touch! The smallest smudge decreases its value.
  Frasier: Oh, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle night spot is closing its doors!
  Niles: [gasps] Roz, you're moving! [Roz glares at him, grabs the book, and licks the cover before handing it back]
• The minute details Frasier and Niles mull over after deciding to buy Orsini's in the second third are even better after watching the whole episode. Their snobbish reaction when they realized they thought of the perfect name: Les Frères Heureux.
  Niles: What's the word for "lighthearted" in French?
  Frasier: (thinks for a moment) There isn't one.^note  There are several, depending on context - "léger" (light), "aimable" (friendly), "badin" (playful) - but it wouldn't be as funny to say so. (thinks further) I've got it, Niles: Les Frères Heureux!
  Niles: "The Happy Brothers". Brilliant. It's homey, but just hard enough to pronounce to intimidate the riffraff!
• The brothers, in fact, insist that the place will be really high-tone.
  Frasier: Yes, we'll make the place very exclusive. No sign on the outside, no advertisements and an unlisted phone number.
  Martin: Hey, don't stop there. Maybe you could post some guards on the roof to shoot people as they try to get in!
• Martin's golden response to when Frasier talks about the restaurant's chef:
  Frasier: The man can do things with eels you just wouldn't believe.
  Martin: I arrested a guy for that once.
• The whole last third, set on opening night, becomes a perfect storm of pratfalls, squabbling, and humiliation. The Disaster Dominoes start toppling early on when a confusion over the one-way doors in and out of the kitchen leads to two waiters getting a concussion and a broken nose and having to be taken to the hospital by the bartender, conflicting orders from Frasier and Niles about the soufflés lead the head chef to Rage Quit, and when Niles gives a Field Promotion to the sous-chef and comments that the governor has two members of the immigration bureau at his table, the rest of the kitchen staff flee in terror with a cry of "Sacre merde!"
• So, inevitably, the regular cast are forced by Frasier to take over, with Niles as the chef, Daphne as the dishwasher, Roz as a waitress, and Martin as the bartender. The kitchen includes a tank of live eels, and Niles is in charge of killing one to cook it.
  • "All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels."
  • Then Niles asks how he's supposed to kill them, and Frasier tells him he can throw a toaster in the tank for all he cares. Frasier goes out to attend to the customers, and the lights dim.
  • Niles decides to hack at an eel with a meat cleaver and is splashing like a moron.
    Frasier: What in God's name are you doing? Just reach in there and get it over with!
    Niles: Not until I'm sure it's dead!
    Daphne: Oh, for Heaven's sake!
  • She stalks over, yanks an eel out of the tank, whips it around to smack it against the edge of the table, and shoves it in Niles' hand, The brothers' expression...
  • For extra laughs, pay close attention to the eel Niles is holding after Daphne kills it.
• One customer tells Frasier that her veal piccata should be veal marsala. Frasier takes the plate back to the kitchen, and in less time than it takes to read this paragraph, Niles flings the veal over his shoulder to Daphne, who washes it off with the tap as Niles wipes down the plate and holds it out to catch the veal as Daphne flings it back; Niles then ladles marsala sauce over it and Frasier sprinkles garnish over it before taking it back out to the customer.
• The evening's dessert special is cherries jubilee, but Niles and Frasier keep adding more brandy to it without realising the other brother is doing the same. Eventually, the time comes to flambé the cherries, and... you can guess what happens next. The look on Frasier's face right after the explosion is hilarious. The look on Daphne's face when the emergency sprinklers go off (after a fifteen-second delay) is also priceless.
  Roz: Big blue flash. Cherries everywhere.
• Only one customer is not outraged and infuriated.
  Bulldog: Great job with the sprinklers, Doc! My date's dress is stickin' to her like Saran Wrap!
• And at the end of the evening, we get the payoff of the increasingly patchy memory of long-serving waiter Otto, who has been put in charge of valet parking and keeps having to be reminded who Frasier is when he calls him over the radio. Frasier asks Otto to fetch the car of the customer who had been served the wrong sauce with her veal:
  Frasier: [to the angry, departing customers] Now for those of you who are leaving, please keep us in mind for your next special occasion. We plan many new and... exciting innovations in the weeks to come.
  [Otto drives the veal customer's car straight through the restaurant wall, sending the customers screaming and fleeing in a panic]
  Frasier: ... starting with our... our drive-through window.

224: Dark Victory

• A blackout hits Seattle, so Niles tries to call Maris to calm her.
  Niles: Hello, Maris, thank God I got you! Listen darling, there's no need to panic. The most important thing is to stay calm. ...About the blackout. ...Maris, take off your slumber mask. (pulls phone away from his ear) Oh! No, no darling, don't panic! Honey, no, honey, (stammers) honey, (stammers more) honey, (more stammering, then hangs up his cell phone) She's fine.
• Niles tries to go home during the blackout, but soon after comes back to the apartment gasping heavily and looking terrified.
  Niles: Nineteen floors—down to my car!—Garage door's electric!—Can't open!—Twenty floors back up!—Lost count!—Bad lady upstairs!—Big dog!—Need place to die!

Season 3

301: She's the Boss

• In the opening scene, Niles shows up at Frasier's apartment to set the B plot in motion with a surprising request:
  Niles: Uh, I can't stay, I just wanted to ask a favour: Dad, can I borrow your gun?
  Martin: Maris taking singing lessons again?
• It turns out the security system at Maris and Niles' mansion is down for repairs, and the entire neighbourhood watch are wintering in Palm Beach, so Niles wants a gun for defensive purposes. Martin refuses his request:
  Niles: This isn't fair! Maris' mother gave her a gun!
  Martin: [getting up from his chair and heading to the kitchen] Well, then Maris' mother can clean up the mess after she accidentally blows your brains out.
  Niles: [following Martin] Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris' mother has never cleaned anything in her life.
  • Niles claims he'd feel safer if he's "packing heat."
    Frasier: Oh for heaven's sakes, Niles, you don't even know how to pack a lunch.
• This episode introduces Mercedes Ruehl as new station boss Kate Costas, who is immediately at odds with Frasier over ways to improve his programme. Frasier suggests new introductory music; "Let's say, perhaps, uh, Bartók's Concerto for Orchestra in D minor." Kate rejects the idea, as while she might like classical music, most listeners think Classical Music Is Boring; "Oh, incidentally, Bartók's concerto is in C." The funniest part for classical music fans? They're both wrong; inasmuch as it's in any key at all, it's in F.^note  Bartók's approach to tonality is fluid enough that referring to his compositions as being "in" a particular key is a good way to start arguments in a roomful of classical music fans, but F is the tonal centre of the first and last movements of the Concerto for Orchestra.
• Frasier and Kate are having a Passive-Aggressive Kombat discussion about how to run his show while she's unpacking her stuff in her new office. Kate pleasantly reminds Frasier that she might know a few things about running a radio station as she unpacks award after award after award...
  Frasier: My God, you've won six Golden Mike awards?
  Kate: Aren't you sweet to notice. Finally, I would like you to start giving priority to the juicier calls.
  Frasier: That's called pandering!
  Kate: [lifting out yet another trophy] And that is called a Peabody Award!
• Frasier refuses Kate's insistence that he give priority to "juicier" calls, and says that unless she wants to explain to the station owners why she fired one of their highest rated hosts, there's nothing she can do about it. Kate smirks and raises her eyebrows as if to say "Wanna bet?" Cut to Frasier's next broadcast...
  Frasier: [listlessly] Well, we're now coming up on... 3am. [sighs] Roz, who's our next caller?
  Roz: [sourly] Who cares!?
  [cut to commercial; cut back from commercial]
  A LONG NIGHT'S JOURNEY INTO DAY
  Keith: [on phone] I gotta disagree with your last two callers. I'm in the same line of work, and I think what we do is very important. People depend on us. [ding!] I gotta go, Doc, it's time to powder the jelly doughnuts. [hangs up; Frasier shares a glance with Roz, who Facepalms]
  Frasier: [finally hangs up after several seconds of dial tone] Well, I hate to cut short this enthralling symposium, but perhaps we could hear from some non-bakers for a change?
  Roz: Wrap it up, will you, we're finally done.
  Frasier: Oh, thank God. Stay tuned for the news, weather, and sports, [as Roz twirls her hand in a "Hurry up!" gesture] this is Dr. Frasier Crane, yadda yadda yadda, bye. [hammers the button to go off air and removes his headphones as Roz enters his booth] Really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we?
  Roz: Frasier? I want you to flash forward to tonight. It's some time after midnight. Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Râlé.^note  "The Bitch". Not an inviting name for a restaurant! Dennis has just invited me back to his penthouse apartment to see his priceless collection of silk sheets. And I lean over and whisper, "I can't... I have to go to work in an hour." What is wrong with this picture?!
  Frasier: Well, for starters, you at Le Râlé. It's a two-week wait!
  Roz: So is Dennis Abbott!
• Frasier's new schedule forces him to sleep days, and Eddie - who is wearing a protective dog collar - starts barking upstairs at the dog who injured him. This causes Frasier to explode as well.
  Frasier: I asked you to keep that dog quiet and instead you outfit him with a megaphone!
• When Frasier, still angry at Kate for assigning him to a graveyard slot, takes his anger out on Daphne with incredibly misogynistic insults, Martin marvels at Daphne for keeping her cool. She calmly says that it's part of her job. However, she calls Eddie to take a walk with a very loud whistle, causing Frasier to scream in pain offscreen.
• Niles arrives having bought a starter's pistol. Daphne, taking Eddie out for a walk, giggles when Niles tries to impress her with it, knowing it's a starter's pistol; Niles is disappointed and confused, saying he scared the help who had lived under a junta. Then, while explaining to Martin that it gives Maris a sense of safety, he accidentally fires it. Frasier runs out of his room freaking out about what just happened.
  Niles: You see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, and this way, no-one can get hurt! [as he gestures with the gun, he accidentally fires it toward the floor; he jumps up on the sofa in alarm as Martin nearly spills his coffee and Frasier comes barrelling out of his room]
  Frasier: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? Was that a gunshot?!
  Niles: [innocently] Morning, Frasier, just getting up?
  Frasier: "JUST GETTING UP"!? Are you out of your mind?! A gun just went off in here!
  Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
  Niles: Yes, and there's no need to get snippy, accidents happen, you know.
  Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!
• That night, Frasier and Roz settle in for their second very early morning broadcast.
  • Things start off badly; Frasier is sleep-deprived and wearing old jeans and a sweatshirt, Roz is still in her evening gown from her abortive date with Dennis Abbott and is even crankier than Frasier, and their first caller, Mark, says he works at a 24-hour mini-mart and seems to think his picture on the security camera is a different person to the real him. Cut to later, and Frasier and Roz have both fallen asleep as another caller, Phyllis, relates how she is being driven to despair by chronic insomnia. When they finally wake up, Frasier tries to cover for the fact that he hasn't been listening by telling Phyllis that things might seem clearer to her after a good night's sleep; an outraged and insulted Phyllis slams down the phone. The increasingly frazzled Frasier and Roz proceed to turn on the only available targets: each other.
    Frasier: [as Roz knocks on the glass and signals that he should go to commercial] Oh. Oh. And now, for a word from, um, uh, argh... [leafs through the papers on his console] someone... uh... I forget, I think they sell paint. [pushes button as Roz takes off her headphones and exits her booth]
    Roz: You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career, going down the toilet.
    Frasier: Oh, God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight. [buries his face in his hand in despair]
    Roz: Helped!? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!
    Frasier: [defensively] Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!
    Roz: Okay, let me make it easy for you: FREAKS! Freaks on Line 1, freaks on Line 2, FREAKS, EVERYWHERE!
  • Frasier and Roz pull themselves together, united in opposition to Kate, as they decide to put on a... raunchy broadcast. As they tell each other, if they're going down, they're taking her with them.
    Frasier: We've got one hour left. If she wants raunch, we're gonna give her more raunch than she ever dreamed of! Are you with me, Roz?
    Roz: [sexily] Just pump up the volume and call me Kitty! [she returns to her booth]
    Frasier: Okay! [punches a button on his console] We're back, Seattle! And in accordance with new station policy, we are going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct! In other words, WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SEX? Sex, sex, sex sex sex sex sex! [Roz plays a sound effect of a whip cracking] YEAH! I wanna know who's havin' sex, how you're havin' it, I wanna know if you're havin' it RIGHT NOW!
    Roz: Look, Dr. Crane, the lines are hot, [breathily] really... HOT.
    Frasier: Thank you, Kitty. [pushes a button; lustily] Hello, caller. What are you wearing?
    Caller: Nothing. I'm naked.
    Frasier: [as Roz bounces with delight] HEY! That's a GREAT idea! Let's all get naked, HEY, I'm gettin' naked RIGHT NOW! [he begins stripping to his underwear]
    Roz: While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know if you prefer to be the spanker or the spankee?
    Caller: Oh, definitely the spanker.
    Frasier: Well, then hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants! [swings them above his head as Roz whoops]
  • Cut to the next morning, as a thoroughly unamused Kate and a sheepish-looking Frasier are listening to a recording of the broadcast.
    Frasier: [on recording] While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, all talk, all night, all naked!
  • Kate once again puts Frasier in his place:
    Frasier: As George Bernard Shaw once said, "there are two tragedies in life. One is not getting what we want, and the other is getting it."
    Kate: You know full well this is not what I wanted! You did this to vex me. And you succeeded! And it was not Shaw, it was Oscar Wilde. Did you ever open a book at Harvard?
    Frasier: (seething) You know, one of these days, you're going to misquote someone, and I'm going to land on you like a sumo wrestler!
• In the second act, Daphne notes that if one puts the Cone of Shame-clad Eddie on top of the television, "Channel 5 comes through clear as a bell". In The Tag, Martin is having trouble with the TV, so Daphne puts Eddie on it to fix the reception.

302: Shrink Rap

• Frasier and Niles start a clinic together. After they get on each other's nerves too much, they walk out from the therapy session they're holding to have a discussion outside, and we get this gem:
  Niles: I'm warning you, Frasier, I have made a fist and I am thinking of using it!
  Frasier: Niles, you are not scaring me—the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside!
  Niles: How dare you try to steal my group!
  Frasier: I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!
  Niles: Oh yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it FrasierStock!
• Frasier finally wins the long-running feud over where the place their ornamental plant:
  Frasier: All right, fine, let's just give this little dear all the sunlight it needs! [hurls the plant through the window - without bothering to open it first]
  Niles: Are you INSANE?
  Frasier: If I WERE, "Doctor", YOU'D never know it!
• The whole incredibly loud argument leads to all their patients sneaking out of the building:
  Niles: I hope you're happy!
  Frasier: If I WERE, "Doctor", YOU'D never know it!
  Niles: Stop playing that!
  Frasier: I will NOT stop playing it! (the loud incoherent bickering continues)
• A little glimpse into Niles' psyche, courtesy of a discussion of an anecdote Daphne told them involving herself, an apartment with thin walls, a couple of neighbours with a tendency for loud love-making and her attempts at revenge, which end up being rather dramatically acted out by Daphne herself ("TAKE ME NOW, YOU HOT DEVIL SEX MONKEY!") — or so it seems:
  [Cut back to the couples counselling session]
  Frasier: Hold it, STOP! Niles, you know full well Daphne merely told that story, she did not act it out!
  Niles: [Genuine uncertainty]... Didn't she?

303: Martin Does It His Way

• During the opening scene a woman calls in to admit that she fantasizes about Frasier during sex with her husband. Roz provides a flattering description of Frasier's appearance to help the woman out. Once the show is over Frasier notes that she came up with the description awfully fast and wonders if that was just for the caller's benefit. Roz decides to mess with him.
  Roz: (solemnly) You really don't know do you? Frasier, I am so attracted to you, I always have been. Your looks, your voice. (Roz crosses the booth and climbs onto his lap, pushing the chair almost horizontal) You don't know how many times I've wanted to strip naked and hurl myself at that glass partition like a bug on a windshield.
  Frasier: Are you through?
  Roz: (taps his forehead) Well, Ask a Stupid Question...!
  • Hilarious in Hindsight: In "The Wizard And Roz", Roz admits that she did want to sleep with him when she first met him, but they were co-workers. And then they do sleep with each other.invoked
• Everyone in the family hated and still hate the recently deceased Aunt Louise, who was a nasty, mocking harridan from their descriptions. Niles, in particular, was always taunted and mocked by her, but despite this, he wants to show her up posthumously by picking the perfect dispersal of her ashes.
  Niles: Wilson's Meadow is the perfect place. Aunt Louise, you've tormented me for two weeks and finally I've shown you I can do something right.
  (He, Martin, and Frasier and Niles leave. Unfortunately, Niles forgot the ashes, he re-enters to pick them up.)
  Niles: (annoyed to urn) Oh, shut up!
  • And earlier while he's still trying to come up with the right place:
    Niles: Remember that ashtray I made for her in art class?
    Frasier: (in a mocking nasal voice) "Is that the best you can do? It wobbles!"
    Niles: (glaring at Aunt Louise's urn) I wish I had that ashtray now.
• Frasier meanwhile has to give her eulogy because he was her "favorite," and even after two weeks of mulling it over, he still can't think of a single nice thing to say about her, and he refuses to make something up. Daphne suggests quoting something Aunt Louise would say.
  Frasier: I'm not sure "Stop crying, boy, or I'll give you something to cry about" is appropriate.
• Naturally, it goes without saying that when the time comes to disperse them, an unfortunate wind blows them back at him. Aunt Louise won't stop mocking Niles, even in death.
  Daphne: How did the scattering go? Were there any problems?
  Niles: No, nothing important. (takes off his shoe and empties some ashes out onto the floor)
• During The Stinger, Aunt Louise finally gets her comeuppance as the janitor finds her ashes and dumps them in the trash.

304: Leapin' Lizards

• Frasier comes home to find Daphne feeding Eddie his expensive imported foie gras and gets grumpy in his Frasier way.
  Daphne: I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.
  Frasier: Oh, well, heaven forbid Eddie should ever work a nerve. When Niles gets here, we'll have sherry and Snausages.
  • Immediately after this, Frasier falls harder than anyone ever should for Bulldog's prank call. Context: Bulldog puts on a posh voice and pretends to be "Dr. Julius Irving", asking for Niles to help him settle a bet between him and some of "the boys down at the cluuuub" over the lyrics to a particular aria from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado. Frasier admits that when attending Oxford, he was in an all-male production of it.
    Frasier: People still ask to see my Yum-Yum.
    • Bulldog-as-Dr. Irving asks Frasier what the lyrics from "Three little maids" are, and he delivers four lines in falsetto. Bulldog and the radio crew are all shown facepalming and losing it as he does. It's all capped off with Martin entering while laughing.
      Frasier: Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here!
      Martin: You sure are! Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air!
      Bulldog: Sayonara, Doc!

305: Kisses Sweeter Than Wine

• Niles poorly trying to cover for his nosebleed, which he gets whenever he's caught in a lie.
  Frasier: You just sniffed.
  Niles: I didn't sniff, it was a snort of contempt. (sniffs)
  Frasier: A snort is out, that was in!
  Niles: (putting a finger under his nose) Oh alright!
• Daphne and Joe, first touching hands, get a spark according to Daphne. Niles, naturally gets jealous.
  Niles: That's just static electricity from the carpet, it can happen to anyone. I'll show you, watch. (begins shuffling his feet on the carpet and pokes Frasier in the belly)
  Frasier: Niles. (Niles shuffles his feet more and pokes Frasier again. Then he does it a third time) Stop poking me!

306: Sleeping with the Enemy

• The episode opens with the news that Kate has imposed a wage freeze for budgetary reasons; Frasier is incensed until Roz points out that only the technical staff are affected, at which point said technical staff are the ones who become incensed at Frasier for his apparent indifference to their plight.
  Roz: Frasier, I spent that raise already! On my new diamond earrings! [pushes her hair back to show off said items] And I love them, I love them so much I slept with them!
  Frasier: [unable to resist] Well... Roz, as long as you're doing it for love, that's a step in the right direction! [grins and pats her on the arm]
• But Frasier does concede that the wage freeze is unfair on the technical staff, although he tells Roz that calling Kate a "Nazi in nylons" is "not your best icebreaker". Roz tries to rally the staff, but only succeeds for a moment:
  Roz: Oh, you're damn right we're gonna tell her!
  Staff: Yeah!
  Roz: We've all been here a hell of a lot longer than she has!
  Frasier: That's right!
  Staff: Yeah!
  Roz: [as Kate opens the office door] She pushes us, we push back! [silence from the staff] She's standing Right Behind Me, isn't she!
  Kate: Yeah! [Roz looks embarrassed] Is there a problem? [Roz opens her mouth to speak, but loses her nerve] Nope? Good. [sweeps off]
• Once Kate leaves, Roz tries to rally the staff again, and Noel makes a hilariously misguided attempt to be Pretty Fly for a White Guy:
  Roz: Okay. If she wants to play tough, we'll play tough back. [murmurs of agreement from the staff] We still have a lot of power here. Now we could go on strike! [murmurs of disagreement from the staff]
  Frasier: No, no, you know what, I, I think you should listen to Roz! Every year, in exchange for your hard work, you receive a 5% raise, now, you've fulfilled your part of the bargain, she has blithely changed the deal!
  Noel: In the 'hood, they call that "being dissed".
  Frasier: Yes... my streetwise friend!
• A few careless words later, Frasier ends up "volunteering" to bring the rest of the on-air talent around to the idea of joining their production staff in going on strike. Niles shows up midway through the cocktail party Frasier hosts as part of his charm offensive, and after Frasier convinces Niles that his finger is nowhere near his brother's Berserk Button of not being invited to friends' parties, he reveals that Maris has a... peculiar way of showing her support for working stiffs:
  Frasier: [answering the door to reveal Niles holding a fountain pen] Niles.
  Niles: Good evening, Frasier, you left your Montblanc in my car, so I... [as Frasier takes the pen, Niles trails off as he takes in the sight of the KACL staff sampling the available food and drink] Oh. [his voice turns ice cold] I see cocktails. Hors d'oeuvres. Milling. If I were the suspicious type, I would say you were throwing a party to which I was not invited!
  Martin: [walks up with a plate of snacks] Feel like a wiener, Niles?
  Niles: Indeed I do!
  Frasier: [rolls his eyes] Niles, this is not a party, and Dad, that is $14 a pound andouille sausage.
  Martin: Wow. Means Eddie ate about thirty bucks' worth. [walks off]
  Frasier: [rolls his eyes again, and turns to Niles] Niles, these people are colleagues from the station, we're here to discuss a labour dispute.
  Niles: Oh. Well. [to the KACL staff] Fight on, people! [some of them give him a confused look before returning to their conversations] You know, there is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris.
  Frasier: Mmm.
  Niles: Remember, when our stable boy Joaquim's appendix burst? [the elevator dings to signal the arrival of more guests for Frasier's party] She had him driven back to the border at her own personal expense! [leaves]
• A bit of creative manipulation by Martin sways the on-air talent, but the technical staff have made a poor choice of spokesman in Noel, who cannot get through an attempt to act tough without getting the giggles. Frasier pulls Roz aside for a word:
  Frasier: Our leader is Noel Shempsky!? The man has all the backbone of a paramoecium!
  Roz: What- do you think that is my idea?! Noel and I were the only two who volunteered! 'Course, they voted me down. [getting steadily angrier] I'm smarter than he is, more confident, more articulate, but those stupid little wusses think I'm a hothead!
  Frasier: [gestures to Roz to calm down] But... Noel, Roz! A lot of people's jobs are riding on this, including mine!
  Roz: Then you do it!
  Frasier: ME!?
  Roz: Yes!
  Frasier: No, no, me!?
  Roz: Oh, please! Frasier, you've got to do it-
  Frasier: [over Roz' pleading] Me?! No, no, I've done enough already- [Noel knocks on the door of Frasier's booth; Frasier opens it] WHAT!?
  Noel: Dr. Crane, I can see that you're concerned about my negotiating skills, but don't be. I have a secret weapon... [exchanges a conspiratorial look with the other staff members] I can faint at will. Check it out. [his eyes roll up in his head, and he falls to the floor like a puppet that's had its strings cut]
  Frasier: [sighs] Okay, people, there's been a coup, I am now your leader! [Roz leads the staff in a cheer of approval]
• Frasier leads the staff to Kate's office, but they don't stand behind him for long...
  Kate: [exits her office] Well. What have we here?
  Frasier: We are dissatisfied with the wage freeze and we demand to speak to you about it! [Beat; he prompts the staff] Don't we?
  Staff: Yes!/You better believe it!/Absolutely!...
  Kate: All right, but aren't you people still on the clock?
  Staff: Yes.../You better believe it.../Absolutely... [they quickly disperse]
• So Frasier speaks to Kate alone, but his confrontation with her becomes a classic example of Slap-Slap-Kiss. When he confesses the truth to Martin and Niles, Daphne becomes especially interested, and chooses a rather... unfortunate way of insisting that nothing Frasier could say will shock her:
  Frasier: [pouring himself a sherry as Daphne clears the dining table] I was in her office, and... tempers flared, and... [Daphne picks up the coffee pot and heads to the kitchen] Next thing I knew, we were... locked in a passionate kiss!
  Daphne: [immediately turning back to the living room] Ooh! Go on! [grins expectantly]
  Frasier: Daphne, I'm really not that comfortable talking about this in front of you.
  Daphne: Oh, no need to be shy around me! I'm a professional healthcare worker, I-I've seen it all! I've helped your father in and out of the bathtub.
  Martin: Okay, Daphne.
  Daphne: I've seen his bits!
  Martin: [embarrassed] Hey- oh, for God's sakes! [Niles makes a disgusted face]
• So Frasier tells Martin, Niles, and Daphne that his kiss with Kate was like nothing he'd ever experienced before: pure sex, almost animalistic in nature.
  Niles: Oh, well, that, we've all experienced that, who hasn't? [sputters derisively, then downs a large mouthful of brandy]
  Daphne: I'm no stranger to that feeling meself. It can strike without warning, and you don't know who it will be. [sits on the arm of the sofa next to Niles] Why, you could be standing next to a person [gesturing toward Niles] month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off. [Niles is giving her a Longing Look during this speech; true to form, she doesn't notice] There's a word for it.
  Niles: "Hope".
  Daphne: Hmm? [looks at Niles, who tries to look innocent]
• Martin raises the possibility that Kate initiated the kiss with Frasier to throw him off balance during the contract negotiations and asks who made the first move. Frasier isn't sure, so he tries to re-create the scene, but runs into a bit of a snag:
  Frasier: Do you suppose it's possible she's just using sex to sway me to her side?
  Martin: Well, figure it out. Who made the first move, you or her?
  Frasier: There was no first move! It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion!
  Martin: There's always a first move. Think.
  Frasier: [sets his sherry on the table by Martin's chair] All right. I was standing in front of her desk like so... [moves to the front of the coffee table, facing the sofa] She was facing me - Niles, you be Kate.
  Niles: [coldly] I will not.
  Frasier: Well, just stand up!
  Niles: I'm always the girl! In every prep school play, I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie, well no more, I'm through with it, when do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO?
• Daphne has her own opinion on the situation, which Frasier refutes:
  Daphne: It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
  Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!
  (Martin nods in agreement.)

307: The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl

• As the episode begins, Niles and Frasier meet up when Frasier is supposed to be meeting Kate for coffee, and Frasier is skittish.
  Frasier: I just want to discuss the little dilemma we find ourselves.
  Niles: If you mean the little kiss you two shared, that hardly constitutes a dilemma. It's not as if you two plunged into a tawdry office affair.
  Frasier: No.
  Niles: Then you'd have a real problem.
  Frasier: Yes.
  Niles: A kiss is nothing.
  Frasier: Right.
  Niles: Had sex with her, didn't you?
• Niles misunderstands the mechanics of how Frasier and Kate did the deed.
  Niles: What are you saying, her couch folds out?
  Frasier: We used her desk.
  Niles: (amazed) Her desk folds out?
• On discussion of Frasier and Kate, and how he's scared of how fast the relationship is moving, Frasier tries to get Daphne to think of them hypothetically sleeping together, which Daphne finds ludicrous, so he suggests she imagine it's with someone else.
  Frasier: You have a mad tryst with a young man, and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast, and he'd like to slow down. What would you say?
  Daphne: (thinks about it) I suppose I'd say, "thanks for being honest. You're probably right, we were moving fast. (expression turns dark) Not that it was too fast for you last night. Oh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we? But now you've had your fun, but not too much apparently, and now you want to be my friend. Well, you can sod off, Trevor Mulgrew!"
  (Frasier and Martin stare in concern)
  Daphne: You know, I might just have some buttons for this shirt (flees)
• The whole sequence where Frasier and Kate's lovemaking session is broadcast over the airwaves is hilarious, especially the reactions of Martin, Daphne, Eddie, and Niles:
  [Martin and Daphne are playing dominoes at the dining table while listening to the radio; Eddie is on the chair next to Martin]
  Newsreader: In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of accepting bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the Congressman said-
  Frasier: [on radio] Yes! YES! I am a bad boy! [Martin and Daphne recognise Frasier's voice and slowly turn to the radio with shocked expressions, while Eddie climbs up on the back of the chair and looks very interested] You dirty girl! Come to your bad boy! [cut to Niles, listening on his car radio, mouth wide open with absolute horror] Oh, yes!... oh no, is that the "On Air" light!?
  Kate: [loud whisper] Stop talking!
  Frasier: [not quite whispering] You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were-
  Kate: [louder whisper] Stop talking!
  Frasier: We'd better hurry up and get dressed while we still-
  Niles: [to radio] STOP - TALKING! [he looks back through his windscreen and slams on the brakes, but too late; he hits the vehicle in front of him, causing the airbag to inflate in his face]
• The next day, as well as presenting Frasier with a bill for the repairs of his car and the car he rear-ended, Niles reveals that Maris was so embarrassed by Frasier's indiscretion that she has had her name changed on her stationery to "Maris Crané".
• The newspaper headline about the affair:
  I Won't Fink, says Kinky Shrink

308: The Last Time I Saw Maris

• Niles' smash rampage, when he finally vents several years of pent up rage at Maris' treatment of him. Then Daphne and Marta join in.
• After Niles goes to speak to Maris, Frasier comes home the next day to find Niles with his suit jacket off... and drinking beer. Turns out he stormed out of his and Maris's house after an argument, but had trouble slamming the door, since it was an old, antique and very heavy door.
  Niles: Of course, it was that 14th century Bavarian cathedral door, so I had to get two of the servants to help me slam, but - what it lacked in spontaneity it made up for in resonance!
• Frasier, who's been casually moving anything smashable out of Niles's reach, is pleased for his brother.
  Frasier: You feel good, don't you?
  Niles: I feel great.
  Frasier: Feel empowered.
  Niles: Sooo empowered.
  Frasier: And you'd like to switch to wine now, wouldn't you?
  Niles: Oh, please.
• Then Maris calls with some news: She's shocked Niles stood up to her. And she wants a divorce right away. The second act begins with Niles trying to call her, to no response, so he decides to stay at the Crane pad, but Martin shows some fatherly affection in his own way.
  Niles: (picking up a cushion from Frasier's couch) Do you have a blanket for me?
  Martin: No, Niles, you're not sleeping on any couch. You can sleep in Frasier's bed.
  Frasier: ... what?
  Niles: (to Martin) You sure? It wouldn't be too much trouble?
  Martin: No trouble,
  Niles: I wouldn't want to impose.
  Martin: Nope, don't worry about it. You're family.
  Niles: Thank you. (takes off toward Frasier's room without looking at him)
• Frasier insists he's not going to meddle in his brother's ruined marriage any further. Martin knows he's lying, what with Frasier's heading for the door.
  Martin: You should listen to me, I'm a cop.
  Frasier: (already holding his jacket) And a darn good one.
  Martin: You're going to talk to Maris, aren't ya?
  Frasier: I'll be back in an hour.
• Frasier is, of course, barred, despite his loud attempts to get Marta the maid's attention.
  Marta: Missy Crane say no you, Dr. Crane, no other Dr. Crane, and no Crane with a cane!
  Frasier: Well at least tell her I'm here!
  Marta: (long suffering) She know. Everybody know.
• Frasier tries plying Maris from outside, to no apparent success, until he mentions he provoked Niles to confront her. The window opens, and Frasier thinks she's willing to talk. Then she empties a bucket of water on him instead.
  Frasier: But listen, in spite of that last little outburst, I am not gonna leave here till we've had some sort of a breakthrough! (hears guard dogs barking) Well, I see our time is up. I'll let myself out!
• When Niles appears at the apartment in an apparently good mood, Frasier insists Niles is just in denial. Niles refutes this, and has the diary to prove it.
  Niles Awake 5 a.m., "blissful confusion. Something's happened, but what?" "5.01: Ah, yes, an overwhelming sense of emptiness and despair." "5.07..." seems hard to read. Oh, right. "Wept uncontrollably." "6.15. All cried out. Hungry now. Ate entire box of Frosted Flakes. They're gr-r-r-eat!" Don't tell me I'm not in touch with my emotions! (walks off)
  Martin: 9.45: "Get the butterfly net."
• Niles says his goodbyes with Marta and the rest of the staff, asking them to look after Maris, it'll just be her and them from now on. Marta asks Niles on behalf of the staff if they can all come with him.
• With Niles about to leave the mansion for the last time, he starts reminiscing on the good times he and Maris supposedly had, but Frasier points out he's romanticizing - yes, they bought a chair on honeymoon in Vienna, but it wasn't the one Niles wanted. Yes, he played Mahler on the piano for Maris,^note  Quite a feat since Mahler's few compositions were all for voice and/or (very large) orchestra. but he hates Mahler ("Besides Maris, who doesn't?!").^note  Well, Frasier himself; he expresses a love for Mahler's gargantuan Symphony No.3 in the Cheers episode "Rebecca Gaines, Rebecca Loses". Frasier tells Niles if he doesn't put his foot down now, he'll spend the rest of his life being a doormat. ... except Frasier then says the exact wrong thing.
  Frasier: You will go through the rest of your life feeling weak and small because you never had the courage to say "I will not let you treat me like this, Lilith! ... (Oh, Crap! expression) Maris!"
  (Frasier squirms awkwardly, while Niles just glowers at him, and Martin just looks embarrassed)
  Frasier: Well, I've lost all credibility here. Dad, would you please say something?
• Martin states that he's not going to tell Niles what to think, just that whatever he does, they'll support him. Then Niles apparently goes to the stairs...
  Martin: WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? You're going to go back to her after what she did to you?!
  Niles: ... actually, I was just going to get my car keys. Thanks for the impartial advice, dad.

309: Frasier Grinch

• Frasier tries to read a Christmas parable he has written while the KACL Christmas party is going on around him (as the story begins, a conga line goes past the window behind him); with Roz having been dismissed early - ostensibly to allow her extra time to fight airport traffic, actually so that she doesn't spend the entire story pantomiming sticking her finger down her throat - a merrily drunk Gil and Bulldog more than pick up the slack when it comes to trying to derail proceedings.
  • After winding lights and tinsel around him doesn't do the trick, Gil slips out while Bulldog pulls out his lighter and tries to set Frasier's script on fire:
    Frasier: "One [blows out Bulldog's light] night, one [blows out the lighter again] windy night..."
  • Gil returns with Candy Cane, a Santa-themed stripper Bulldog hired for the party.
    Frasier: (as Candy rips off her top to reveal her ample bosom in a Santa bra) YIKES! — "He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son, and the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd, and—" (Candy rips off her bottoms to reveal bright red panties, stockings, and garters) OH MAMA! — "he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife..."
  • Frasier just about finishes stumbling through the rest of his parable with his dignity mostly intact, then turns to leave...
    Frasier: For God's sake, what am I, a robot!?
    [he hurls down his briefcase, turns around, and kisses Candy passionately; Gil and Bulldog laugh]
    Frasier: [triumphantly] And to all, a good night! [picks up his briefcase again and leaves]
• Martin goes completely over the top in decorating the apartment for Christmas in a style that he apparently used when Frasier and Niles were kids. The brothers' reactions are hilarious.
  • First, there's Frasier, who almost breaks down crying:
    Frasier: Oh, God... my childhood Christmases all over again. Only now Mom isn't here to say "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings!"
  • Then Niles arrives and goes open-mouthed with shock at the sight.
    Niles: [after taking a few seconds to recover] I know, I know, "Shut up, we'll hurt his feelings."
• Niles meanwhile discovers Maris has shut off his credit cards because he refuses to "apologize" for the prior episode's fight. Once he arrives at Frasier's apartment, Frasier asks if he talked things out with Maris.
  Niles: No, but I had an epiphany. I realized cutting off my funds is Maris' way of saying, "I love you." (Frasier eyes him skeptically) She always uses money to get what she wants, ergo, this is proof she wants me back. What do you think?
  (Niles walks past a Santa automaton that goes Ho, Ho, Ho when he steps on its pressure plate, making him turn and glare at it)
  Frasier: Think Santa said it all for us.
• There's a Christmas-time delivery mix-up between Frasier and a Mr. Franklin Crane who lives on the other side of the continent. The educational toys Frasier had picked out months ago have gone to the wrong address, leaving him with a kitchen set and an assortment of Barbie dolls:
  Frasier: (aghast) Do you know what this means?!
  Niles: (ready to laugh) Yes. The Cranes in Maine have got your Living Brain!
• So Frasier and Niles have to do some emergency Christmas shopping. Niles is fascinated by a novelty helmet, and drives Frasier bonkers as he plays with it:
  Niles: Well, hey, hey, this looks amusing! [picks up the helmet and puts it on; it's red with a lightning bolt on either side, comedy glasses at the front, and a police light on the top]
  Frasier: Oh, Niles, please, may I remind you, we're looking for something educational!
  Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh, it has buttons! [picks up a control set and presses a button; the police light begins flashing] What's it doing?
  Frasier: [Disapproving Look] It's flashing.
  Niles: Oh.
  Frasier: Look, Niles, please, Freddy tested in the highest percentile for cognitive skills and deductive reasoning!
  Niles: [presses another button; the helmet begins playing the sound of toy car horns] What's it doing now?
  Frasier: It's beeping, for God's sake! And as much as I would like to inflict this on Lilith, I'm looking for fast and educational, all right!? [Niles presses another button, and two hoses on either side of his head squirt water all over Frasier's overcoat; he can't resist pressing the button again]
  Niles: [loving every second] I wonder what else it does?
  Frasier: [with murderous rage] Let's see if it protects your head! [gives Niles a massive Dope Slap that almost knocks him to the floor]
• Martin tries to impress on Frasier that he needs to stop getting gifts he thinks people want and get them the gifts they actually want. He recalls that when the boys were young, he wanted to get Frasier a baseball bat and glove, but Frasier had his heart set on a microscope, so that's what Martin bought him.
  Niles: And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time looking for rodent hairs in your hot dog!

310: It's Hard To Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave

• Roz finds out that Kate was "Dirty Girl" from Frasier's accidental broadcast. As Frasier is telling her about the UST between him and Kate, Roz has a daydream about them together which involves Frasier awkwardly dropping his pants and then tripping over them as he walks towards Kate.
  Roz: (snapping back to reality) Boy, I'll never do that again.
• Niles is in the kitchen with Daphne, but for once he's not giving her a Longing Look, instead he's pestering her with questions on how to cook now that he no longer has servants to do it for him.
  Niles: (taps Daphne on the arm while she's grating a carrot) I noticed you're grating that carrot at a 45 degree angle. Does that enhance the flavor?
  Daphne: No no, just an old habit.
  Niles: (taps Daphne on the arm again) And why exactly did you choose to grate carrots?
  Daphne: (already getting annoyed) Because we have carrots.
  Niles: I hope you don't mind all the questions, it's just, now I'm separated, it's time I learn to cook for myself.
  Daphne: (seemingly mollified) It's quite alright. Tell you what; why don't you grate, while I put the chicken in?
  Niles: Alright. (Daphne tries to squeeze by Niles, but rubs her bottom against his, so Niles takes a deep breath and exhales before starting to grate) Oh, thousands of little metal teeth, able to tear the flesh right off your-(drops the carrot and grates himself, bumping into Daphne and knocking a chicken of the tray she is holding) Yow! (shakes his hand before sticking his injured finger into his mouth then inspecting it, not noticing Daphne pick up the chicken breast off the floor and put it back on the tray) Nope, nope, false alarm. Normally I bleed like the Russian Royal family, but not today. (notices Daphne putting a toothpick into the chicken she dropped) That's interesting; you put a toothpick into that chicken. Now, is that to check when it's done?
  Daphne: No, I'm just marking which one is yours.
• She then sends Niles off to set the table, having enough of him ("You've done enough grating for one night.") He then starts to get on Martin's nerves, by correcting his grammar in a letter he's trying to compose for an old army buddy of his.
  Niles: Writing a letter?
  Martin: No, I'm writing my memoirs.
  Niles: I'll take that as a yes.
  Martin: It's my old army buddy.
  Niles: You know, that's-that's the improper use of a hyphen.
  Martin: Somehow, I don't think Murray Dingman will mind.
  Niles: Well, then I'm sure he won't notice that missing comma and run on sentence. Although this is a particularly glaring error; it's best not to end a sentence with a preposition. (Martin writes something on a separate sheet of paper, then hands it to Niles) Not to be technical, but "off" is a preposition too.
• Niles quickly goes 3-3 in annoying everyone when Frasier gets home, when he starts to lament his situation with Kate, wondering if he should even ask her out since they agreed not to pursue the relationship, and she doesn't seem to be having second thoughts.
  Niles: Added to which, if Frasier did pursue her and she rejected him, he could, hardly rationalize it by saying she doesn't know what she's missing, she would know exactly what she's missing, she just didn't miss it. (Frasier gives Niles a seriously unamused Death Glare.)
• Frasier confides in his family about how distracting thoughts of Kate are becoming. Martin tells him that it's perfectly natural and launches into a story about how he used to get through stake-outs by thinking about their mother. Frasier and Niles cut him off every time he tries to continue the story.
  Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. One day your mother and I went on a church picnic and the two of you came floating down the river in little wicker baskets!
  Niles: Was that so hard?

312: Come Lie With Me

• Frasier begging Daphne not to leave by noting that if she does, he and Martin will kill one another... then clarifying that he's not being hyperbolic.
  Frasier: I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I - both dead. Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.
• Daphne's solution to Frasier's problem with her dating: Blatant Lies and plenty of 'em, claiming Joe was wounded during the Falkland Wars and incapable of having sex. By a sheep, not because he was a participant in the conflict.
  Daphne: But just so as we're clear - even though there's no actual lovemaking, Joe and I can on occasion, say, read poems to each other in here at night? (gives a "get it?" look at Frasier)
  Frasier: As long as you don't "read" too loudly.
• Martin complains about his pants shrinking in the dryer after he gains weight. Frasier asks if he should step on the scale before blaming the dryer and Martin says that doesn't do any good because the scale's been off ten pounds for weeks.
• Frasier and Martin have a terrible row, with Frasier's neat freak tendencies and Martin's slovenliness clashing heavily without Daphne there to mediate between them as she had left for the weekend. It culminates in this rant-inducing slight from Frasier. Eagle eyed viewers will notice Kelsey Grammer spitting up as he says it.
  Frasier: Oh, my dreams get me by; like the one where I strap you in your chair, then run around the house, turning on all the lights! (proceeds to do just that) Even in the rooms I'm not in! Boy, that electric meter must be spinning now!

313: Moon Dance

• Frasier, having just returned from a vacation with Freddie, refuses to listen to Martin trying to fill him in on what's happened with Niles and Daphne, insisting he might as well not be there, so when Niles shows up to take Daphne on a date, Frasier is left utterly dumbstruck.^note The Reality Subtext was that Kelsey Grammer was directing the episode, so remained mostly behind the camera.
  Frasier: For all intents and purposes, I am not here!
  (doorbell rings, Daphne enters in a red dress)
  Daphne: That'll be me date! Oooh, I'm so excited! This is my first ball. I hope he likes me dress!
  Frasier: Daphne??
  Daphne: Hello, Dr Crane, welcome back! (she opens to the door to Niles, dressed in a dinner jacket and holding a red rose) Hello.
  Niles: (taking in Daphne) Wow!
  Daphne: (chuckles) Oh, you. (takes the rose)
  (Frasier looks to Martin in confusion; Martin looks impassive)
  Frasier: Niles?
  Niles: Oh, Frasier, you're back. Well, our carriage awaits.
  Martin: And you'd better get her home at a decent hour. I'm gonna be waitin' up for ya.
  Daphne: (laughs) Oh, Mr Crane!
  (they leave. Frasier stands there, wide-eyed in confusion)
  Frasier: ... what the hell was that?
  Martin: (making a show of looking around) Eddie, did you hear something? Can't be Frasier. He's still on vacation.

314: The Show Where Diane Comes Back

• Frasier's reaction when he finds out Diane is back is priceless. It is so ridiculously over the top.
  [Frasier is finishing a broadcast; in the background, Roz is on the phone, looking worried]
  Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
  Roz: [hangs up the phone and presses the intercom button] Frasier, that was security, some woman insisted on seeing you, she just blew right past them!^note  This is Roz's only line in this episode.
  Frasier: Oh, don't panic, Roz, probably just one of my more ardent fans.
  [in the background, Diane walks past the back window of Frasier's booth; her face lights up, and she taps on the glass. Frasier turns around and she waves at him, all smiles. Smash cut to black... from which the camera pulls back to reveal Frasier's wide open mouth, his face frozen with abject terror]
  Frasier: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-
  [cut to Niles' office, where Niles is seeing a patient, Mr. Carr; Frasier bursts through the door]^note  Mr. Carr was previously seen in "Shrink Rap" as one of the members of Niles' therapy group. Apparently Niles' fight with Frasier did not dissuade Mr. Carr from continuing his therapy!
  Frasier: [out of breath] Niles we gotta talk, it's urgent!
  Niles: Frasier, I'm with a patient!
  Frasier: [turns around and notices Mr. Carr] Oh, I'm sorry...
  Mr. Carr: [standing up] Is, uh, this about a woman?
  Frasier: Yes.
  Mr. Carr: [with sympathetic embitterment] Take all the time you need. [leaves]
• Lilith isn't even in this episode and Niles still gets one of his best quips at her expense, but his demeanour instantly becomes gravely serious when Frasier reveals the real reason he burst into Niles' office:
  Frasier: She's back! The scourge of my existence!
  Niles: Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the walls...
  Frasier: [holds up a hand to stop Niles' snark] I'm talking about... [choking the words out] Diane Chambers.
  Niles: [presses a button on his intercom] Lucille, send Mr. Carr home.
• When Frasier reveals that Diane has returned, Niles' first instinct is to put himself in the role of Frasier's therapist to get at the root of why he reacted so strongly to her. Frasier, however, orders Niles to put his notepad in a desk drawer - which Niles starts to find frustrating after a few seconds.
  Niles: My first question to you is this: are you still in love with her?
  Frasier: [immediately, jumping to his feet] NO! Not in the least, it's a ridiculous suggestion. [begins pacing the floor]
  Niles: Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial", I'll move on. So... about this woman for whom you have so little feeling that you raced across town and burst into one of my sessions... is there any lingering resentment?
  Frasier: Over WHAT?! [falls back into the armchair heavily]
  Niles: [stands up and walks across to Frasier] Well... she did leave you at the altar. When you told her how that made you feel, was there anything you left unsaid? [Frasier avoids eye contact with Niles] Any... phrase or feeling you wish you had expressed to her? [Frasier continues to look anywhere but at Niles, obsessively brushing his hand against the arm of the chair] I'm making the assumption here that you did tell her how you felt.
  Frasier: ... I sorta did.
  Niles: "Sort of" is another of those phrases that just... wants to go in my pad. [looks toward his desk drawer and sighs]
  Frasier: I expressed my distaste for the way I'd been treated, yes.
  Niles: Frasier, she rejected you in the most debilitating way a man can be rejected, you've got to more than "sort of" tell her how that felt!
  Frasier: [gets up, walks to the door, and leans against it] I just can't tell Diane how awful she made me feel now! It's a distant memory for her! I'd feel weak!
  Niles: [with a supportive smile] You have no reason to feel weak. You've moved on in your life, too - you have a new career. New... wealth, new success. You simply need closure in this one area.
  Frasier: [thinks, then turns to Niles] You know, what you just said made a lot of sense.
  Niles: [beaming] You're going to get closure.
  Frasier: No, that business about my success! I tuned you out after that!
• Frasier announces that he's going to invite Diane to dinner at his apartment and "really rub her nose" in his success, even though he knows he should take the high ground. Niles agrees that Frasier is making a mistake, but...
  Frasier: Niles, I know it's not psychologically sound, but... we're still human! We have to do what feels good sometimes, don't we?
  Niles: [after a moment's reflection] I'd just like to be on the record as saying: I'm against it.
  Frasier: Fine. [heads for the door]
  Niles: You know the path that leads to peace with Diane, and you're rejecting it.
  Frasier: [opens the door] Yes.
  Niles: I'm washing my hands of the entire matter.
  Frasier: [grins] Wouldn't miss it for the world, though, would you?
  Niles: I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux! [Frasier points at him in confirmation and exits; Niles rushes over to the desk, opens the drawer, grabs his notepad, and begins frantically scribbling notes on it]
• That evening, Daphne makes no attempt to hide how ridiculous she finds Frasier's behaviour.
  • Frasier insists that his SeaBee award, which is shaped like the Space Needle, must go in the middle of the mantelpiece, where Diane can't miss it. Daphne says "that seems a bit subtle" and suggests instead using it to serve the olives, spearing one with the point.
  • Meanwhile, Frasier puts his Otis Klandenning Man of the Year award, a small silver bowl, on the table next to Martin's chair; when he offers Diane an olive, Daphne holds up the bowl and says "You can spit the pits in here." Which Diane attempts to do - except Frasier pulls it out of the way, and the pit lands in a disgusted Martin's lap.
• Diane's first conversation with Martin in nearly a decade doesn't exactly go smoothly:
  Diane: [sitting on the corner of the coffee table nearest to Martin's chair] Well, Martin, it's been too long, how've you been?
  Martin: Well, my wife died, I got shot in the hip, and I had to move in with Frasier because I kept falling down in the shower.
  Diane: [trying to hide her discomfort] Well, you look wonderful! [pats Martin on the leg repeatedly] Yes you do!
  Martin: [nodding toward the leg Diane is patting] That's the bad one. [Diane clenches her fists in apologetic embarrassment]
• As Diane greets Niles for the first time in years, she laughs as she remembers that when he last joined her and Frasier for dinner, he had just started dating "the queerest little creature", who ate everyone's sorbet and then had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat check girl massaged her abdomen. She notices Frasier and Martin staring at her uncomfortably while Niles, who has been estranged from said "little creature" since earlier this season, avoids eye contact:
  Diane: Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it, you and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?
  Niles: [with an ironic smile] No, can't say as we did.
• Niles follows Frasier into the kitchen when he gets the evening's dessert, a plate of profiteroles, out of the fridge to be dusted with powdered sugar. Furious at how Diane appears to have become even more successful than he has done since their failed wedding, he vows to tell her how it really made him feel as he frantically shakes sugar all over the profiteroles. Niles (having used the excuse that Frasier always overpowders to go into the kitchen to begin with) makes a "That's enough" gesture, but Frasier ignores him, and Niles finally puts his hand between the profiteroles and the sugar to save them from a powdery demise.
  Frasier: The savage truth this time, there will be no sugar-coating it! [grabs the plate] And yes, I am aware of the irony! [blows the excess sugar off the profiteroles - straight toward Niles, who tries to duck out of the way]
• Martin making no attempt whatsoever to hide his notice of Diane's facial tic (only sporadically mentioned on Cheers as being triggered by emotional distress), especially John Mahoney's delivery of "There it is again!" and Daphne describing it as "either a very large twitch or a very small seizure." The next time it happens, Frasier, Niles, and Martin all scoot back from the table in alarm.
• As it turns out, Diane's life has been in a tailspin for a while; she lost her job writing for Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman after accidentally setting Jane Seymour's hair on fire, her boyfriend of two years broke up with her, she lost her beach house, and her friends stopped calling - and when she arrived in Seattle to oversee rehearsals of her play, her backer withdrew the funding. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the sight of Diane's meltdown reminds Niles of another woman prone to such emotional displays...
  Daphne: Well. That was a bit scary.
  Martin: I'll say. Watching someone go completely crackers like that. [Niles sniffles] What's the matter with you now?!
  Niles: Nothing, I'm fine. Just... suddenly missing my Maris... [Martin rolls his eyes, but nods in understanding; Daphne gives Niles a comforting hug]
• This little exchange, at a point where Frasier has been spending rather more time with Diane than he expected and is clearly starting to feel conflicted about things, and comes across Niles in Café Nervosa. And keep in mind that during the following, Niles never says a word:
  [Frasier enters in good spirits, though the perceptive viewer may notice a distinctly manic edge to his happiness]
  Frasier: My God, Niles, it's such a glorious day! I walked all the way here. Thirty-two blocks, and Bruno Maglis be damned! [sits down] Oh yes, I see the look, I know exactly what it means too. How could I very well say "no" to Diane? She came to me in crisis. [to a passing waitress] Oh, excuse me, a double cappuccino, please, light cinnamon, thank you. [sighs happily] Oh, you know, the change in Diane has really been quite gratifying. Dropped her off at the theater today, and there was a smile on her face that I haven't seen in... well, far too many years. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Where did she get the money to do the play? Well, she found a backer! [pause; defensively] It's tax deductible! [the waitress brings his coffee to the table] Thank you. [to Niles, increasingly agitated] Oh, why don't you go ahead and say what you're thinking, Niles? That I'm falling for her again. [sarcastically imitating Niles' voice] "Well, you did bounce in here as though you were on top of the world, and babbling about her smile" — I just don't want to hear it, Niles! I'm simply helping her to get back on her feet and out of my life as quickly as possible. [Niles starts to open his mouth] No, I don't know how long it's going to take. [Niles starts to open his mouth again] Look, I said I don't know! Oh, really, Niles! Curse you, you are the most infuriating busybody! I'm not sitting with you.
  [Frasier flounces off in a huff; Niles watches him leave, then picks up his notepad and pen and starts writing]
• invoked Diane's play, a pretentious stage version of Cheers with Diane as Mary Anne]], an intellectual beloved by all the staff and patrons, including jock bartender Stan, snarky waitress Darla, armchair philosopher Ned, Know-Nothing Know-It-All Clark, and stuffy psychiatrist Dr. Franklin Creane. Words do not do it justice. Diane giggling in delight at her own jokes (which, the viewer familiar with Cheers will note, she actually stole from Norm) was the icing on the cake. And Frasier's speech is just epic, especially his delivery of "bony fingers!" Not to mention the faces he makes when he first sees the set or when "Franklin" says he bears no ill will towards "Mary Anne".
  "Franklin": Could we just stop for a second? This whole getting left at the altar thing... I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling.
  Frasier: [eleven years of anger and resentment reach boiling point] I... may be able to illuminate that for you! [Diane looks worried as Frasier marches up onto the stage] What you are feeling is that this woman has... reached into your chest, plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hellhounds for a CHEW TOY! [Diane is mortified] It's not the last time, either. Because that's what this woman is! SHE IS THE DEVIL! It's no use running away from her! Because no matter how far you go, no matter how many years you let pass, you will never be completely out of reach of those BONY FINGERS!! So drink hearty, Franklin, and LAUGH! [marches off the stage again and back up the aisle] Because you have made a pact—with BEELZEBUB!!! AND HER NAME IS MARY ANNE!!!
  [Diane is stunned into silence as the actors applaud]
• A subtler moment from the end of the episode has Frasier, having finally made true peace with Diane, walk out the bar door... only to come out after a beat, realizing it's a stage door that doesn't go anywhere.
  Frasier (abashed): Force of habit.
  Diane: I've been doing it all week!
• And in The Tag, Diane's play's use of internal monologues delivered by characters in spotlights on an otherwise darkened stage is spoofed when Martin catches Eddie chewing on a sock. Fade to black, then a spotlight shines on Eddie as a thought bubble appears above him saying "I CAN'T HELP IT. IT'S WHAT I DO."

315: Word to the Wiseguy

• Maris has a bunch of unpaid traffic tickets due to (among other things) believing that her chocolate allergy gives her the right to park in the handicap spot.
  Daphne: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you imagine poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
  Frasier: Only if they moved the bars closer together.
• Niles vows to get Maris justice, or at least preferential treatment.
• Roz introduces Niles to Jerome Belasco, a mobster who can get rid of the charges against Maris.
  Roz: You know, I was once involved with a guy who got into trouble with the cops.
  Niles: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.
• Daphne tries to use her psychic powers to deduce what Jerome does for a living and guesses osteopath, based on a vision of him standing over people with broken bones.
• When Belasco's girlfriend Brandy calls Frasier's show, she says she's had vaccinations slower than their sex life.
• After Frasier tells Brandy to leave Jerome (because he won't let her get a job), Niles compliments Frasier's courage and asks what South American nation he will be fleeing to.
  Frasier: Oh, like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond!
• When a cross Jerome arrives, Niles makes a point to loudly, unsubtly, and repeatedly say his name in order to have witnesses to any act of violence.
• Jerome requests a cup of hot milk from the waitress, remarking to "Dr. Crane" that his stomach acid tends to flare up when he's "displeased".
  Frasier: Believe me, Jerome, the last thing I want is to displease you... or to hear the words 'acid' and 'Dr. Crane' in the same sentence.
• Jerome reveals that the reason he doesn't want Brandy to get a job is because she's incompetent and suffers from depression whenever she's fired.
  Frasier: So you're saying she's had trouble finding her niche?
  Jerome: No, I'm saying she's a dodo. Now, you may love a dodo; you may think the dodo is beautiful; you may even wish to marry the dodo. But you do not encourage a dodo to fly!
• Jerome then explains that he has reconciled with Brandy after promising to get her a new job.
  Jerome: And not just any job. A job that she can never lose. A job where if she burns the place down, they will apologize to her for having made it so flammable.
  Niles: Well, good luck finding someone who'll hire her.
  [Frasier and Jerome exchange a glance, clearly remembering precisely whose fault it is they're in this situation in the first place, then simultaneously direct a cold look to Niles]
  Niles: [Realises and wilts] Oh.
• The episode ends with Martin dialing Niles' office just to laugh about how terrible a receptionist Brandy is (she mispronounces "psychiatrist," and then accidentally hangs up on Martin).

316: Look Before You Leap

• Martin mentions how Daphne is always talking about wanting to change her hairstyle and then proceeds to imitate her accent. In addition to being hilarious, it's just so weird. Doubly so because John Mahoney is from Lancashire, which is where Daphne is supposed to be from.
• With prodding from Frasier about "taking a leap" on 29 February, Roz gushes about a guy she met on a bus on the air - and freaks out when she realizes what she just said.
  Roz: [disgusted] Oh my God, oh my God, how could I say "I really liked you and I thought you were cute," who am I, Marcia Brady!?
• The snowball gag of Niles's exponentially increasing libido, after having gone for months without sex.
  • Maris has cleared her calendar from 7-7:30pm that evening (which means foreplay and cuddling, according to Niles), but Frasier tells him sex would just cloud the issue of their growing marital difficulties and tells him not to go. But Niles isn't giving up so easily, and he shows up at the radio station trying to rationalise having sex with Maris as his own "leap". Frasier shoots down this idea, leading to this hilarious gem:
    Niles: [as Roz enters Frasier's booth] Frasier, Frasier, what if we don't have sex, what if we just snuggle?
    Roz: Whoops, excuse me! [drops a paper on Frasier's desk and heads back to her booth... and realises Niles is watching her]
    Niles: Roz... I never noticed what a perky little walk you have. [a horrified Roz breaks into a run before sitting back in her chair as Frasier runs after Niles]
    Frasier: Oh, Niles...
    Niles: Roz...
    Frasier: Niles!...
    Niles: Roz...
    Frasier: NILES! [grabs Niles and pushes him out of Roz' booth]
  • Frasier tells Niles to get control of himself, and Niles vows to "marshal [his] self-discipline and be strong." He leaves the booth and walks past the window behind Frasier - and immediately turns around when he passes a female KACL staffer going in the other direction. As he passes the door to Frasier's booth, Frasier opens it and hurls a glass of water into Niles' face, causing him to turn around immediately again.
• Daphne's reaction to her awful haircut, urged by Frasier. Even more hilarious, Niles thinks her hideously mangled haircut is hot, moaning, "Will these infernal temptations never end?!"
  Daphne: (sobbing) Take a leap! Mr. Maurice hair-designer! Trust me! Children pointing! Your fault!
• With Roz, Martin, and Daphne all worse off for having taken Frasier's "take a leap" idea, Niles defies him and declares he's going to spend the evening with Maris after all. His parting gesture involves gunning down his sherry before hurling his glass into Frasier's fireplace.
  Frasier: YOU WILL RUE THE DAY!
  Niles: I DON'T CARE! NILES GOTTA HAVE IT!
• The episode's climax is one of the funniest scenes in the entire series. The title card says it all: HUH?
  • Roz is one of the volunteers taking donations by phone for Seattle's PBS pledge drive, and she is still angry at Frasier for persuading her to ask out her bus crush over the radio - only to discover he is married and is just looking for a sleazy affair. Such is her ire that she sarcastically declares her admiration for Frasier's courage in singing in Italian under unflattering studio lights with sweat-soaked clothes on live television. Meanwhile, Pete, Frasier's accompanist for his own "leap", the tenor aria "Ella mi fu rapietà" from Rigoletto, tells him that although high notes are no problem for him (he plays one to demonstrate), he's not so sure about Frasier.
    Pete: Yo, Doc! Doc! [Frasier hurries over to the piano] Please. Please, I've been going over your music, and when we get to this section here, either I can play really loud or jab you with a pin, 'cause between you and me, you're not hitting this note without a pole vault!
  • Upon being given the ten-second warning, Frasier snaps and decides to go back to singing his standard, "Buttons & Bows" (originally sung by Bob Hope to Jane Russell in the 1948 western The Paleface). This angers Roz even more, as Frasier is backing out of taking his own leap after forcing her, Martin, Daphne, and Niles to take leaps which all landed them right in it up to their necks. Frasier insists that while an unwise man doesn't learn from his own mistakes, only an absolute idiot doesn't learn from the mistakes of others; this does not placate Roz:
    Roz: [sarcastically] But you promised all your listeners!
    Frasier: OH, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!? [the red "live" light on the camera in front of him lights up] WHO WATCHES PBS?!... [realises his last three words went out live, and switches to his suave radio voice] I'll tell you who...
  • And then comes the payoff. Savvy viewers know that because Frasier's performance is the culmination of the whole episode, The Show Must Go Wrong, but what really makes it hysterical is how it goes wrong, and how badly. After cowering out of taking his leap and playing it safe, Frasier actually makes things worse for himself - despite having sung "Buttons & Bows" on live television several times, likely thanks to his practicing the aria all day, he manages to forget all but a quarter of the words. The icing on the cake is that Kelsey Grammer was genuinely ad-libbing Frasier's garbled lyrics to make the performance seem more authentically bad, and he tries to grin and dance through it as though nothing is wrong even as more and more of the words come out as gibberish.^note  To the point that they are effectively impossible to transcribe; what follows is one of many possible interpretations.
    • Things start to unravel before Frasier even gets to the end of the first verse; he knows the first three lines are "East is east and west is west / And the wrong one I have chose / Let's go where you'll keep on wearin'", but all he can remember of "Those frills and flowers and buttons and bows / Rings and things and buttons and bows" is the last three words of each line, so he just improvises "Da da das" to fill the rest of the lines.
    • And then comes the second verse; he remembers "Don't bury me" but fumbles "lovely pea" instead of "on this prairie", can't remember any of the next line,^note  "Take me where the cement grows." and starts "Let's move down to some big town" with "Let's all go..." before realising his mistake and ad-libbing the hilarious "to a taco show" so that it still rhymes, and never quite gets the verse back on track.
      How I- such and thrush, blow my nose
      You look great in buttons and bows!^note  The real lines: "Where they love a gal by the cut o' her clothes / And you'll stand out in buttons and bows."
    • For the bridge, he only gets through "I love you in buckskin" before dissolving into unintelligible grunting, turning his back to the camera, and mopping his brow, while the phone volunteers look more and more confused at what they're seeing. He tries to get things back on track by shouting "Everybody!" before the third verse - and comes up with "My bones denounce the fearful trounce / La la-la la mole that grows".^note  Only the first four words are correct; it should be "My bones denounce the buckboard bounce / And the cactus hurts my toes." After that, it's all downhill, and Roz can only grin triumphantly at Frasier's brush with Laser-Guided Karma:
      Ba-da seuss, a palm caboose
      And a panda hop and pantyhose
      You look buppity buttons and bows!^note  The real lines: "Let's vamoose to where they're usin' / Those silks and satins and linens that shows / And you're all mine in buttons and bows."
  • Cut to Martin and Daphne laughing uproariously at Frasier's disastrous performance of the song's marathon final line, which he renders as a series of nonsense syllables that finally end with "buttons and bows".^note  The real lyrics: "Gimme eastern trimmin' / Where women are women / In high silk hose / And peek-a-boo clothes / And French perfume / That rocks the room / And you're all mine... in buttons and bows." They try to rewind and watch it again, only for Eddie to run off with the TV remote.
• In The Tag, Niles stops by to console Frasier, who asks him if he had sex with Maris after all. Though we cannot hear the dialogue, we can see Niles smiling reassuringly while mouthing "No" repeatedly. But as Frasier walks off, Niles scratches behind his ear and finds a dollop of crème fraiche, one of his and Maris' favourite substances to lick off each other — meaning the one person who ignored Frasier's advice had a Happy Ending.

317: High Crane Drifter

• In the setup for this episode, Frasier seems to be on the receiving end of rude or selfish behaviour from the entire population of Seattle, especially from his upstairs neighbour, Freddie Chainsaw ("of the Newport Chainsaws", Frasier snarks), who blasts the music of his own band at such high volumes that Frasier's whole apartment shakes. Daphne shrugs it off, saying that she used to live upstairs from a punk band who endlessly rehearsed a song that, according to her, went "Flesh is burning!... [imitating guitar] Da-na na-na na-na..." She then sighs that she'll have that song stuck in her head all day now. Later in the episode, she is subconsciously singing it again... and so is Martin!
  Frasier: (as Freddie Chainsaw plays his music) Doesn't he ever stop for sex and drugs?
• It's also Hilarious in Hindsight as either Freddie was evicted or moved out, because Frasier's next upstairs neighbor would be his Sitcom Arch-Nemesis, Cam Winston. invoked
• The last straw for Frasier comes when Doug Harvey, a Café Nervosa patron, sweeps in and steals a table from him and Niles while they were busy thanking its previous occupants for leaving; when Doug shows no remorse whatever for his callous act, Frasier literally throws him out of the café while telling him he needs "an etiquette lesson", to wild applause from the other patrons. The Seattle papers run a column applauding how he took a stand against rudeness, but when he goes to work the next day, he discovers the downside of setting a bad example as his show becomes a parade of tales of Disproportionate Retribution.
  Frasier: [presses a button on his console and begins his show] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Who's on the line, Roz?
  Roz: We have Mitch on Line 3, he's having trouble with his neighbours.
  Frasier: [presses the button for Line 3] Hello, Mitch.
  Mitch: Make that "had trouble." The idiot next door had his leaf blower going at 7am. Again.
  Frasier: Oh, that is very inconsiderate.
  Mitch: Yeah, I'll say. That's why I decided to give him an etiquette lesson. [Frasier chuckles] I grabbed that leaf blower and smashed it against a tree! [Frasier's smile is immediately replaced by a shocked look; Roz laughs]
  Frasier: ... Mitch, I must say, I'm stunned. I can't imagine a more extreme response to such a... minor infraction.
  [dissolve to later; Frasier has removed his blazer and loosened his tie as he listens to another caller]
  Chris: ... so I snuck into his backyard and shoved a whole pound of rotten shrimp into his air conditioner! Come on summer!
  [dissolve to still later; Frasier has unbuttoned his sweater vest and rolled up his sleeves as he listens to yet another caller]
  Chuck: Hey, he asked for it. So I... put one hundred scorpions in a FedEx package. [even Roz looks perturbed by this]^note  Continuity mistake: Frasier's tie goes from around his neck to lying on the desk either side of Roz' reaction shot.
  Frasier: Look, I- I'm sorry, but... no matter how provoked you may have been, there- there is no earthly justification for [dissolve to even later still] SETTING SOMEONE'S LAWN ON FIRE! [Roz grins; Frasier's tie and sweater vest are now on the desk next to him]
  Rochelle: But she doesn't curb her dogs! [Frasier puts his hand to his forehead and sobs quietly]
• Finally admitting that he was as out of line as his callers, Frasier tries to apologise to Doug, only to get slapped with an assault lawsuit now that a café full of witnesses have heard him admit to throwing him out. Then Niles intervenes in one of David Hyde Pierce's greatest performances:^note  The title card for this fracas? "NO ACTORS WERE HURT DURING THE FILMING OF THIS SCENE".
  Niles: Oh, Frasier, I'm not surprised he's hiding behind lawyers. What other behaviour would you expect... from a chicken?
  Doug: ... what did you say?
  Niles: [glares at Doug] I was speaking to my brother. [standing up] But, to put it in language you can understand: [imitates chicken clucking]
  Frasier: [mortified] Niles! This is no time for you to assert yourself!
  Doug: [to Frasier] Hey, your brother's making trouble here-
  Niles: Ooh, ooh, ooh, what are you gonna do? Flap me with one of your big fluffy wings?
  Frasier: Niles, stop it! Please excuse him...
  Niles: Oh, for God's sake, Frasier, don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from penis envy! [grins and bounces up and down excitedly on his heels]
  Doug: You look here, buddy...
  [Doug prods Niles in the shoulder - and, in a masterclass of physical comedy, Niles reels backward as though punched, knocking over two chairs, a table, and a hat stand before falling onto a second table, breaking it and sending its contents spilling everywhere]
  Frasier: [racing over to his brother] NILES! Niles, are you all right?
  Niles: [pulls Frasier close and whispers] Countersuit.
  Frasier: [jumps up melodramatically] OH MY GOD! NOBODY MOVE HIM!
  Doug: I barely touched him!
  Frasier: THEN YOU ADMIT YOU TOUCHED HIM! He admits it! [Niles groans] Oh, Niles, Niles, I'm here for you, I promise you we're going to get you the best care that THIS MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY! [sotto voce] My God, Niles, that was brilliant! You even got a tear in your eye!
  Niles: [pained] I landed on a fork.

318: Chess Pains

• Frasier once again finds himself humiliated by someone he never expected to be a chess expert despite never playing before. In Cheers, it was Woody. In Frasier, it's his father. Frasier finds it incomprehensible til Martin himself explains why.
  Martin: Hey, now listen, what do you think I was doing as a detective all those years? Analyzing clues, devising strategies, trying to stay one or two steps ahead of the other guys — now, does that sound like any game that you know?
• In the B plot, Frasier, Daphne, and Martin meet Niles' new dog, a whippet named Girl...who, it is painfully obvious to everyone except Niles, is a four-legged doppelganger for Maris—down to the ridiculously aloof and spoiled personality (and the fact that Niles seems emasculated to slave status).
  Niles: I can't explain it. I'm not a dog person, but there's something about this particular breed that I find comforting and familiar. It's mystifying, isn't it?
  Frasier: (restraining from laughing and explaining) Mmm, baffling.
  Niles: I-I happened into my local pet shop, and I had no intention of buying anything, I was merely browsing, and they showed me some overly demonstrative puppies. Then I heard a haughty little sniff from a cage in the corner, and there she was! {to Girl) Sit, Girl, sit! (Girl doesn't move) OK. (to Frasier) She's, uh, she's a bit high strung, but, uh, she's terribly well-bred. When I tried to pet her, she'd have none of it.
  Frasier: (Sarcasm Mode) Well, I'm surprised she wasn't snapped up before you got there.
  Niles: Yes, well, the man at the pet store said it's because people are reluctant to take responsibility for her nerve medicine.
  (The look on Frasier's face is indescribable. Niles sits on the couch, Girl joins him.)
  Niles: No, not on the couch. Off, off! (Girl doesn't move) OK.
• Then Martin and Daphne meet her.
  Martin: What the hell is that?!
  Niles: It's my dog, my new best friend.
  Frasier: (Sarcasm Mode) Yes, Niles saw her in the pet store and had this inexplicable attraction.
  Martin: You can see her ribs!
  Frasier: (sotto voce) Hint #1.
  Niles: Daphne, I owe it all to you.
  Daphne: (laughing nervously) Oh really, Dr. Crane, I wouldn't want you going around telling people I was responsible for that.
• It finally leads to:
  Daphne: Am I the only one -
  Frasier/Martin: No.
  Daphne: Does Dr. Crane have any idea?
  Frasier/Martin: No.

320: Police Story

• At the end of the episode, Frasier's feeling low, thanks to a cop he'd been interested in preferring Martin, and working late at KACL, where Roz has been planning to throw a surprise party. Roz initially tries to be sympathetic, or at least get him to not talk about his romantic dry spell while the co-workers are hiding in her booth... until Frasier snaps at her, at which point she throws the door open so they can hear every embarrassing detail.

321: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired

• The first scene features a classic zinger from Niles directed at the absent Bebe Glaser:
  Frasier: Daphne, has Bebe Glaser called back yet?
  Daphne: 'Fraid not!
  Niles: You're still consorting with that... barracuda!?
  Frasier: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. No, it's just that, uh, the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. [the doorbell rings; Frasier leaves to answer it] I must admit, she's... rather hard to get a hold of these days!
  Niles: Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times. [Martin almost spits out the mouthful of coffee he has just drunk]
• The ringer of the doorbell is not Bebe but Roz, who arrives just as Daphne is introducing Niles and his newly reduced cash flow to the wonderful world of coupon cutting, setting up a glorious moment of Roz-Niles snark:
  Niles: [reading a flyer of coupons] This is great! I don't even know what Renuzit is, but it's 20 cents off and I want it!^note  It's a brand of air freshener made by the Dial Corporation, for the curious. [he begins cutting out the coupon]
  Roz: You're clipping coupons?
  Niles: [proudly] I'm economising!
  Roz: Ah. Well, it's about time, you spend money like a drunken sailor.
  Niles: She said authoritatively.
• Everything Frasier learns about the new owner, "Big Willy" Boone, makes him less and less thrilled by the idea of having to curry favour with him to land a potential nationwide syndication deal:
  Frasier: What have you got on the new owner?
  Roz: [handing Frasier a manila folder full of newspaper and magazine clippings] Oh, plenty. His name is Wilfred S. Boone, but he likes to be called "Big Willy". [Frasier looks at her in disbelief]
  Daphne: Well, there's a little snapshot of his psyche right there!
  Roz: He's an 85-year-old Texan.
  Frasier: Mm-hmm.
  Roz: Practically no formal education, but he went from errand boy at a radio station to owning his own media empire worth 600 million.
  [...]
  Frasier: Look, may we get back to the subject at hand!?
  Martin: What're you so antsy about?
  Frasier: Dad, Wilfred S. Boone-
  Roz: Big Willy.
  Frasier: Please, Roz, I just can't say that yet, all right? [Roz throws up her hand in resignation; Frasier continues to leaf through the cuttings in the folder] Wilfred S. Boone owns thirty radio stations across the country. If he likes you, he's been known to syndicate your show nationwide. So, I'm trying to find out if we have anything in common, an angle if you will. So, what are his interests, Roz?
  Roz: Oh, it's all in there. He likes whittling, rodeos, the novels of Zane Grey...
  Martin: [deadpan] Gee, Fras. Like you two were separated at birth. [Roz chuckles; Frasier shoots them a dirty look]
  Roz: He also owns a 5,000 acre cattle ranch, and the world's largest collection of antique six-shooters.
  Frasier: [disgusted] Oh, dear God, I'm suckin' up to Yosemite Sam.
• Upon arrival at KACL, Frasier discovers that Bulldog has told Gil that the new station owner is a Greek tycoon ("He fell for that?" "Hook, line, and souvlaki!"):
  Gil: [wrapping up a broadcast] You can keep your overripe Camembert and malodorous Stilton. They can't compare with the salty insouciance of Greece's glorious feta. [the grimace of disgust tugging at his face suggests he's struggling to complete the "sale"; Frasier and Bulldog laugh from the door to the booth] It's not just for shepherds anymore. This is Gil Chesterton saying bon appetit, or, as we say in Athens, καλή όρεξη. [presses the button to go off the air; Bulldog enters the booth cackling, followed by a grinning Frasier and Roz]
  Frasier: Oh, Gil, you've been had, the new owner isn't Greek, he's from Texas!
  Bulldog: You are so easy!
  Gil: [huffily] Well, I hope you're happy! I've just given four stars to a restaurant called The Taste of Greece! Which, trust me, is no misnomer!^note  As in, "The Taste of Grease".
• When Frasier finally meets Big Willy, he insists on being addressed as such, and Frasier instantly gets over his discomfort at using the name:
  Big Willy: Oh, I've been looking for you Dr. Crane. I have a little problem and they told me you're just the fella who could fix it. Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.
  Frasier: Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.
  Big Willy: Well, actually I prefer "Big Willy."
  Frasier: Don't be silly, Big Willy. [Roz visibly struggles not to laugh]
• It emerges that Big Willy wants Frasier to help his fiancée quit smoking (and makes it clear that this is an order, not a request); if she doesn't, he will call off their engagement. Frasier gets a nasty shock when he discovers who Big Willy's fiancée is...
  Frasier: That's me, Dr. Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler. [sits down and pinches the bridge of his nose]
  Roz: Frasier, stop it! This is a golden opportunity! You make this little tootsie quit smoking and we're halfway to syndication!
  Bebe: [appearing in the doorway] Did someone just say the word "syndication", or do I just hear it every time I lay eyes on my favourite client! [walks toward Frasier, arms outstretched]
  Frasier: [still despairing] Oh, Bebe... [embraces her and kisses her on either cheek]
  Bebe: Is something wrong, dear? [Frasier half-moans, half-sobs; we see Big Willy talking to two other station employees through the back window]
  Roz: We just met Big Willy.
  Frasier: [sitting down again] Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician, he wants me to play therapist to his little fiancée, no doubt some gold-digging piranha so devoid of scruples that she's willing to rob the coffin just- [he and Roz notice Bebe and Big Willy making kissy faces at each other through the glass] oh, dear God!... [Facepalms]
  Bebe: Isn't it wonderful? We met last month and it was love at first sight!
  Roz: First sight of what? His bankbook and a cardiogram!?
  [Bebe grins broadly.]
• Big Willy gives Frasier three days to get Bebe to quit smoking; their first therapy session seems to go well as Frasier gets to the heart of why Bebe smokes in the first place. Niles' arrival interrupts their session (ironically, as Frasier is musing on Bebe's fear of abandonment), and his economy drive has taken an interesting turn:
  Frasier: [opening the door to reveal his brother with a paper shopping bag] Niles!
  Niles: [setting down the bag] Hello, Frasier! I noticed you were out of capers the other night, so I got you this. [reaches into the bag and produces a jar of capers almost as large as his own head; he grins proudly]
  Frasier: [taking the jar hesitantly] Thank you, Niles, but, uh... why so many?
  Niles: I just discovered a place called Price Buster's Warehouse! You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary, and they have a huge selection! I found French fries and French doors in the same aisle!
  Frasier: Well. [sets the jar down on the console table] The next time you go back, be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up.
  Niles: You laugh, but I could do it like that. [snaps his fingers]
• Bebe thanks Frasier for the therapy session, but as she is about to leave, Niles stalls her by claiming he wants her input for a paper he is writing on addiction. As a clearly tense Bebe heads for the kitchen, Niles tells Frasier she will smoke half a pack of cigarettes before she even gets down to the lobby of Frasier's building. Martin and Daphne enter in the middle of this conversation and are not happy about the proposed solution:
  Niles: I know about addiction. It's the exact same look Maris used to get during the cough syrup years. The only way to deal with it is to lock her up, take her money, and watch her like a hawk 'til it's out of her system!
  Frasier: [dubious] Well, I mean, she'd have to stay here for the weekend!
  Daphne: [entering with Martin and Eddie] Who's staying all weekend?
  Niles: Bebe Glaser.
  Martin: [horrified] HERE!?
  Daphne: [equally horrified] What does she have to stay here for?!
  Frasier: Well, she's trying to quit smoking.
  Martin: Oh, great. That means she'll be extra lovable. [unfastens Eddie's leash; Eddie scampers off in a panic]
• Sure enough, Bebe is lighting up in the kitchen, and as she overhears Frasier insist that she has made progress, she stuffs her still lit cigarette in her handbag, and is unaware that smoke is pouring out of it as she returns to Frasier's living room...
  Bebe: I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with the paper, Niles, wedding preparations and all. [to Frasier] But I'll remember those helpful hints, it's exercise, gum, and lots of water. [Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin all notice the smoke coming out of Bebe's handbag]
  Niles: Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires. [Bebe notices the smoke and starts hitting her handbag to extinguish the cigarette]
  Frasier: All right Niles, secure the door! Bebe, you are not going anywhere, you're staying for the weekend, now give me that purse! [Niles locks the front door]
  Bebe: [defeated] All right, just... let me remove one very precious memento...
  Frasier: Very well. [Bebe opens her handbag, puts it over her face, and breathes deeply] Oh, stop it! [pulls the bag away from her]
• The Crane clan and Bebe are eating dinner, where she is putting away a lot of food, as a result of her oral fixation from smoking. She doesn't much care for Daphne's cooking either.
  Bebe: More.
  Daphne: What, again?
  Martin: (aside, to Frasier) It's her third serving.
  Frasier: Now now, now, it's just flattering to Daphne that Bebe finds her food so tasty.
  Bebe: I'm orally fixated. I could eat a half-stunned wharf rat if you put some gravy on it.
  Daphne: I'll bear that in mind come breakfast time.
• Then Niles tries making conversation.
  Niles: So uh, I hear your fiancé is well to do.
  Bebe: Very. (to Martin) You gonna eat that fat? (spears his cut animal fat with her fork)
  Niles: Well, uh, marrying money can have its perils. Ten or fifteen years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast aside, (becoming more melancholy) a hollow husk, penniless, and crushed.
  Frasier: Niles, Big Willy is 85, he's on his third pacemaker.
  Niles: Ah. Mazel tov. (toasts her, then throws back his brandy)
• Then Daphne tries to offer her experience with smoking.
  Daphne: Well, I smoked for years, but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss 'em in a drawer, and not crave another for months.
  Bebe: You know, there's a word for people who can do that. What is it? Oh yes; bitch.
• Bebe's borderline erotic description of how smoking a cigarette makes her feel sets off Daphne's own sporadic smoking tendencies, and at 5:30am, she sneaks onto the balcony and lights up, waking up a sleeping Bebe on the sofa. Now desperate for a cigarette herself, Bebe locks Daphne on the balcony in the rain and refuses to let her in unless she gives her a smoke; Daphne retaliates by holding the pack over the edge of the balcony, threatening to drop it unless Bebe unlocks the door. Finally, Frasier enters and switches on the lights; the payoff comes when Bebe and Daphne deliver their lines in the following exchange like two young children caught fighting by their parents:
  Frasier: What the hell's going on out here?
  Bebe: Daphne was smoking!
  Daphne: She made me!
• Frasier takes the cigarettes from Daphne and, after finding Martin smoking in the powder room while fetching a towel for a soaked Daphne, orders everyone to go back to bed. However, Bebe suddenly grabs the pack of cigarettes, then shoves Daphne face first onto the sofa when she tries to cut off her escape route; Frasier finally wrests the cigarettes from Bebe's grasp, only for her to jump on his back and try to grab them back. As Martin declares "All right, that's it, no more houseguests!" and heads back to bed, Frasier and Bebe are wrestling on the floor over the cigarettes, and after a moment, Frasier manages to pin her:
  Bebe: GET OFF ME, YOU BRUTE!
  Frasier: HAND THEM OVER!
  Bebe: NEVER!
  Daphne: [as the phone rings] That'll be the neighbours! [answers the phone] Hello! [politely] Oh! Hello. One moment, please. [covers the mouthpiece and brings the handset over to Frasier] It's Big Willy!
  Frasier: [takes the phone from Daphne, his tone suddenly becoming pure professionalism and politeness] Big Willy! Hello! [laughs] No, no, it's not too early! Everybody's up! [Bebe thrashes and growls like a trapped wild animal throughout the following] Yes, well, there've been a few minor setbacks, but I'm keeping on top of her... Oh yeah, I know she'd love to say "hi"! [holds the phone toward Bebe]
  Bebe: [immediately stops thrashing and growling, her tone suddenly becoming pure Southern-accented adoration] Hello, puddin'!... I'm fine, and you?... Oh, nothin's too much trouble for you, daddy. Bye now!
• It turns out Big Willy thinks Frasier's a genius and wants to offer him a nationwide syndication deal, but only if he gets Bebe to quit smoking. When Frasier discovers that Bebe managed to snatch half the contents of the pack they were fighting over, he appears to give in...
  Frasier: [as Bebe runs onto the balcony, a cigarette in her mouth] For God's sake... I don't care anymore, you know I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here. [hands her the rest of the pack] Go ahead, knock yourself out! [sighing] I only wish I could be there when it happens...
  Bebe: When what happens?
  Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline... "Big Willy Boone, millionaire, dead." [Bebe grins at the thought] Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. [Bebe's grin gives way to confusion] Watch the casket being slipped into the ground, only you won't be watching that... no, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps! Oh no, better yet - Kelli, with an I!
  Bebe: Stop it!
  Frasier: You'll picture her wearing your jewels, sailing in your yachts, sleeping with your gigolos, but oh, you won't be sad! [chuckles] No, no, no, because you'll have your cigarette! [Bebe looks at the cigarette in her hand as if it were a live sewer rat] CLUTCHED... in your nicotine-stained teeth! Smoke whirling about your once pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged-
  Bebe: Enough! God! [hands over the pack of cigarettes] You are one hell of a therapist!
• But three smoke-free weeks later, the wedding fails to go off as planned - not that Bebe didn't try:
  Martin: [entering the apartment with Eddie to find a reflective Frasier and a sullen Roz drinking wine on the sofa] Hey! You back from the wedding already?
  Roz: No.
  Frasier: There was no wedding.
  Roz: No. No wedding, no syndication deal...
  Martin: [seeing Bebe on the balcony] What's she doin' here?
  Roz: No money, no fame...
  Frasier: Well, you might say things hit a bit of a snag.
  Roz: No beach house, no pool boys...
  Frasier: Oh, will you get a grip, Roz!?
  Martin: [after hanging up his coat] Well, what went wrong?
  Frasier: Well, they were halfway down the aisle, Big Willy beaming proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm, when suddenly [mimes the events he describes] he clutched his heart, and his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder... of course, we were all concerned at first, but then, suddenly, it seemed like he was all right because they kept moving on down the aisle! [shrugs] But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little bicep bulging through her wedding gown... and I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet. [Martin nods] Well, once they got to the minister, the jig was pretty well up, despite Bebe's attempts to animate his features by twisting the little skin at the back of his neck. [contorts his face to imitate the effect, then looks at Bebe through the window] You know, I've... never seen a woman more crushed.
  Martin: [heading to the kitchen] Well, if I were you, I'd get her away from that balcony rail - the doorman gets ticked if you even throw a piece of gum over the side!
• Then there's this exchange:
  Bebe: You don't know the things I did for that man - the depraved, Western-themed appetites I satisfied!
  Roz: He was eighty-five, how bad could it have been?!
  Bebe: Ever worn a saddle?
  Roz: (to Frasier) Do I have to answer that?
• But Frasier assures Bebe there are other Big Willys out there - "older, richer, impotent" - and Bebe repays Frasier for his efforts to help her quit smoking with a gold Rolex. However, he and Roz start wondering where she got it...
  Bebe: Just don't wear it to the funeral.

322: Frasier Loves Roz

• As the episode opens, Frasier is taking a call from Tom, whose sexual calendar stuns even Roz:^note  Casting David Duchovny as a listener who has sex two or three times a day became Harsher in Hindsight when he was diagnosed as a sex addict, leading to the collapse of his marriage to Téa Leoni.
  Frasier: Go ahead, Tom, I'm listening.
  Tom: Hi, Dr. Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically.
  Frasier: Well, how long have you two been together?
  Tom: Six years. [Frasier is stunned, as is Roz, who mouths "Wow!"]
  Frasier: And the sex is still that good?
  Tom: Oh, man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. But I'm not sure we have much else in common.
  Frasier: [reeling] Well, common interests are of course the foundation of... three times, you say?
  Tom: [worried] Is that abnormal?
  Frasier: Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal. It's not fair, but it's not abnormal. [Roz laughs, then the phone on her console rings; she answers it] Um, but you know, perhaps you share more things than you think you do, actually. I'll tell you what, try this: why don't you pick up a catalogue from a local university, go through it and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together?
  Tom: That's a good idea! Thanks, doc. Have a great weekend!
  Frasier: Well, I'd wish you the same, but it hardly seems necessary. [pushes the button to disconnect the call, and gives an envious sigh]
• There are two Time Skips in this episode, and the title cards' depiction of them is a delight:
  NO ONE SAID ANYTHING PARTICULARLY AMUSING FOR TWO WEEKS, AND THEN...
  ANOTHER CURIOUSLY HUMORLESS WEEK PASSED UNTIL...
• Frasier's advice to a depressed Roz that she try seeking a more stable relationship than she usually does backfires disastrously when she begins dating a man named Ben Collins, whom Niles reveals as a patient of his who goes through women so quickly that he doesn't bother to remember their names and calls them all "Sunshine". Unable to tell Roz what Niles told him in confidence, he becomes increasingly agitated at the mention of Ben's name. Roz finally confronts Frasier over this, leading to a hilarious example of Is This Thing Still On?:
  Roz: Listen, Frasier... I'd like to think that there's some small part of you that's happy for me. After all, it was your advice that got me this far.
  Frasier: Of course I'm happy for you.
  Roz: Thanks. [heads into her booth]
  Frasier: [putting on his headphones] Me and my stupid advice... [realises the "On Air" light is on] ... will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!
• Martin's message to future generations, as Niles records with a video camera. He can't resist trolling:
  Martin (into the camera): My name is Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now...(bulging eyes) I'm dead...!
  (Niles slumps)
  Martin: Trapped in a box, underground...! Pretty scary, huh...?! (Evil Laugh)
  Niles: (Stops recording) Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century—?!
  Martin: Alright, alright, I do.... (To the camera, as Niles resumes) Remember to always work hard...and that family comes first. (Play-squirms, sighs) And...I have a million bucks...in unmarked bills...that I took off a drug dealer, that I have stashed in my old army footlocker. The combination is Left 15...Right 32...Le—
  (Beat, starts "choking"...and collapses in his chair.)
  Niles (rolling his eyes, then focusing the camera on himself): Future generations... see what I had to put up with?
• Frasier and Niles are searching for a way they can warn Roz about Ben without breaching Niles' doctor-patient confidentiality. Eventually they try to prove that Roz is clinically insane:
  Niles: Can we argue that she is delusional?
  Frasier: Well, she often claims to be the true force behind the success of my show.
  Niles: Borderline, borderline. Has she ever displayed signs of mental incompetence?
  Frasier: (thinks for a moment) She once ordered a White Zinfandel!
  Niles: (triumphantly) Go to her, Frasier; she's a danger to herself!
  Frasier: It's a miracle they even let the woman drive!

323: The Focus Group

• Of the twelve random citizens called in to give their opinion of The Dr. Frasier Crane Show, eleven are positive: one man, Manu, very reluctantly says, "I don't like it... I don't like him." It digs at Frasier, who can't let it go. He spots Manu (a news-stand owner) while driving Martin and Niles to dinner and insists on getting to the root of Manu's dislike of him.
  • While Niles insists they've stopped in a bad part of town and overreacts accordingly, Frasier sends Martin over to Manu with a badly-conceived cover story about being a businessman from Cleveland who is having a bad month, saw Frasier's face on the side of a bus, and wants to get Manu's opinion on the merits of calling his show. Martin goes over to Manu... and immediately introduces himself as Frasier's father.
  • Not satisfied with Manu's explanation that he finds the show a bit annoying, Frasier goes over in person to quiz him. The first of the Disaster Dominoes falls when Frasier accidentally spills Yoo-hoo all over Manu, and as they keep toppling, Martin covers his face, while Niles watches - fascinated in a horrified kind of way:
    [after Frasier accidentally closes the metal shutter of Manu's newsstand on his hand, and Manu hurries off to a nearby restaurant to put ice on it while Frasier offers to "hold down the fort"]
    Niles: [matter-of-factly] He's crushed the gentleman's hand... and now he appears to be commandeering his newsstand.
    Martin: [resignedly] Uh-huh.
    [moments later, after a still-lit cigar in an ashtray Frasier put on the floor of the newsstand has caused the whole stand to catch fire]
    Niles: [still matter-of-factly, resting his face on his hand] Oh, my God. Frasier's set his newsstand on fire.
    Martin: [still covering his face, but now sinking down further in his seat] Mm-hmm.
• Once everything's over, Manu finally explains in full what his original problem with Frasier was: He thinks he's something of a know-it-all. And now Frasier's harassed him, crushed his hand and burnt down his stall, which was a gift from his uncle. Frasier's only take-away from all this? Cheerfully and obliviously saying "was that so hard?" and walking away.

324: You Can't Go Home Again

• Frasier's pained expression on hearing the recording of his disastrous first day on air.
  Frasier recording: (in a deep voice) Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. If you can feel, I can heal.
  Frasier: Fasten yourself in, Eddie. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
• Just before the recording begins, Frasier meets Roz, the last-minute replacement for Dave, who mysteriously took another assignment.
  Roz: Dr. Crane, Dave dumped you.
  Frasier: (in a small voice) ... why? We were here until 2.00am this morning, as I explained to Dave in meticulous detail my philosophy of optimal mental health!
  Roz: It's a mystery alright.
• The show does not get off to the best start after the cringe inducing introduction above. Frasier manages to fall off his chair in the middle of a call, managing to entirely miss what his first guest is saying, and he tries to cover.
  Frasier: [out of breath from struggling to get back into his chair] Yes, well, often in these cases, it helps if you restate your problem, but this time try boiling it down to one succinct sentence. Now, how would you do that?
  Angela: My husband is dead!
• Covering with an ad break, Frasier finds Roz is already trying to get a job somewhere, anywhere else. She admits she thinks psychiatry is, in her words, "kinda bull".
  Frasier: Well, this is a match made in Heaven, then, isn't it!?
  Roz: Ah, don't be offended.
  Frasier: (enraged) "Don't be offended"?! Why should I be offended!? In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! In the first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!
  (Frasier storms out, while Roz puts her headphones on, because the show is still on the air; after a moment, Frasier races back into his booth)
• The Crane Brothers and their reunion at Café Nervosa, despite Frasier's attempts to connect with Niles.
  Niles: What a serendipitous event. How did you discover my favorite coffee bar?
  Frasier: Well, the radio station's right across the street. I did my first show today.
  Niles: (patronizingly) Yes, you did, didn't you? Well... good to see you, have a nice day. (turns and heads away from Frasier)
  Frasier: (follows Niles to the counter) Niles, aren't you going to join me?
  Niles: Oh, well, I would, but I have a routine. I come in every day, order coffee, and spend some quality time... with myself, you understand.
  Frasier: Niles, I've seen you once in the last two years.
  Niles: (nods) ... oh, that is your point.
• While in the restaurant, Niles talks of Maris, and how he'd never think of looking at another woman. He then gets distracted by getting a napkin from an empty table, at which point Daphne passes by their table and asks if she can borrow their sugar. After Frasier's politely handed it over, she leaves just in time for Niles to turn back, having missed her completely... only to suddenly stop and sniff the air with equal parts bewilderment and wonder after she's gone, like a man who's just sensed the fleeting otherworldly presence of an angel.
• The equally joyous reunion of the Crane Men, with Niles tricking Frasier into going to Martin's apartment by claiming he's changed, and pretends Martin's being funny, leading Martin to wonder if Niles is drunk.
  Niles: The reunion of our family? Who needs alcohol for that?
  Martin: I do!
  Frasier: I do!
• The origin of Eddie's staring: Having tricked Frasier into going to Martin's apartment, Niles is stared at by the dog, until he picks him up.
  Niles: Oh, you haven't met Eddie. (plants Eddie next to Frasier) Frasier is the firstborn. (Eddie begins staring at Frasier) The torch has been passed.

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