Funny / Feud

Feud: Bette and Joan

Pilot

• Hedda Hopper's Establishing Character Moment is...something else.
  Hedda: Hedda Hopper for Joan.
  Mamacita: Miss Crawford is occupied.
  Hedda: She's had enough time to sleep it off. (she walks inside the house) Announce me.
• When Bob is going to different studios and they want to cast younger women in the roles. The line about Audrey Hepburn and Doris Day in the leading roles, takes the cake.
• After Joan goes to see Bette backstage, we get this gem, which really works due to its delivery.
  Assistant: There's a lady here to see you.
  Bette: Who is it?
  Assistant: (swallows hard as if he knows a shitstorm is on its way) J-Joan Crawford.
  Bette: (Beat) You're fucking kidding me.
• When Bob Aldridge arrives to see Joan, we get this little gem:
  Mamacita: (standing in the doorway to the living room) She's expecting you.
  Bob: (gets up, starts walking up the stairs to her bedroom)
  Mamacita: (exasperated) She's expecting you on the patio.
  Bob: (without breaking his stride, he walks down the stairs and towards the backyard instead)
• Jack Warner's Establishing Character Moment is also a landmine of both awful and hilarious dialogue. The funniest parts are after he rants about Bette Davis' lawsuit against him crashing the entire studio contract system and calmly stating, after screaming his head off at Bob, "Her unemployment is my long-simmering revenge" and is then surpassed when Bob realizes the only way to get Jack to say yes is "I'll pay you first." Jack then turns around and stares at Bob as if to say the famous Calvin Candie line, "you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention."

The Other Woman

• Bette's assertion of "nobody's that nervous'' when she sees Victor Buono stress-eating before their first scene together.
  • And despite her early reticence, it turns out Victor is an amazing actor, which motivates Bette to say "you're good" after their first day together and Victor amusingly tells Bob, "Oh, it's like Mommy just bought me a new pony!"
• After Hedda publishes a gossip article (thanks to Bob reluctantly agreeing to give her some dirt) about Bette insulting Joan's falsies, Joan then calls up Luella Parsons and leaks her own rebuttal ("Miss Davis looks old enough to be my mother. One look at her face and you'd think she hasn't had a happy day or night in her life."), a pair of reporters try to intercept Bette the next day on the set. Then this epic exchange happens:
  Sylvia: Miss Davis! Care to comment on the fact that Ms. Crawford said you look old enough to be her mother?
  Bette: (smiles sweetly at her as she walks up the stairs) What's your name, sweetheart?
  Sylvia: Sylvia.
  Bette: Fuck off, Sylvia.
• The entire montage of Bette and Joan antagonizing each other on set, especially Joan intentionally wearing a weight belt so it's much, much harder for Bette to drag her out the door for their scene and when Bette kicks Joan in the head (it's much too hard to tell if it was on purpose, but the show implies it is) and Bob just turning to the cameraman and asking, "did you get it?" and the cameraman silently nodding.

Mommie Dearest

• The sequence where Joan is badmouthing Bette where her narration and complaints to Hedda Hopper in no way match what's being shown on screen. What Joan describes to Hedda is getting no support from Bob or Bette for her dying confession scene...but of course that's not what really happened. Joan took one look at the young, beautiful extras on the beach, got insecure, and went back to her trailer to make herself look more attractive by putting on her falsies, doing up her makeup, and having Mamacita tie her "turkey neck" back so it looks smooth. She, in fact, is so successful at looking younger and more appealing that it literally ruins her death scene. As Bob himself observes, "she looks too goddamn good." They end up having to do a reshoot of the scene where she looks less attractive because it made it impossible for the audience to believe she was dying. Bonus points for how the scene starts, though:
  Hedda: I want the dirt.
  Joan: (smirks) You'll have to settle for sand.
• Bette and Victor prove to be pretty damn funny and adorable together. Bette smugly says she knows that all the queens love her and Victor confirms it, asking her to do a famous line from one of her movies for him again and Bette does it, which makes him giddy.
• The entire montage of B.D. attempting to act and Bette doing her best to get through how objectively terrible her daughter is. The whole thing culminates in a rather funny scene, too:
  B.D.: I'm awful, aren't I?
  Bette: (VERY long pause) You'll get better.

More Or Less

• Hedda and Joan's ploy to sabotage Bette's potential Oscar win is low down, dirty business, but it is actually pretty hilarious watching these two once they come up with the scheme itself. Please enjoy.
  Joan: You mean actually lobby the Academy to vote against her?
  Hedda: Why not?
  Joan: Well, because it would be seen as sour grapes on my part.
  Hedda: And that's why you have to stay squeaky clean on this one. You let me poison the well; you're gonna serve up nothing but butterflies and moonbeams. Get our your phone book. We're gonna play a little game I learned from Jack Webb: good cop, bad cop. I'll put the word out on Davis; you plump up the other nominees.
  Joan: Well, who do you think is her closest competition?
  Hedda: Well, they're not gonna give it to that buzzard Hepburn. She's never once showed up to the ceremony! I'll badmouth her a little bit too—her and those slacks. Reming's no threat; they all still think of her as a television actress. Push for Page or Bancroft. Lean on the "Hollywood reaches out" angle. If one of them gets it, it'll sting her even more.
  Joan: You hate her more than I do.
  Hedda: I find her vulgar. Besides, she thinks we're all hypocrites.
  Joan: Aren't we though, Hedda?
  Hedda: Well, of course we are! But I'm not going to be judged for it, not by her. Hypocrisy is the tribute vice must pay to virtue. You've always understood that; she never has! The only reason the rest of the country allows this Babylon to stay standing is because it thinks we have a conscience. And for thirty years, I have been that conscience and I gave up everything for it: my career as an actress, my marriage, my dream of having many, many children. What has she sacrificed? Nothing!
  Joan: (smirks, picks up her glasses and the phone) Well, then let's make some calls.
• When Jack Warner shows up to berate Joan for refusing to promote the movie now that it's out (and is actually making good money), we get this bit:
  Jack: Instead of going out there and making it bigger, what are you doing? You're sitting around here getting pickled.
  Joan: I'm not pickled!
  Jack: Like a herring. It's eleven o'clock in the morning.

And the Winner Is...

• Joan blatantly ignoring the Academy guy who comes to tell her she can't assume control of the Green Room. She even makes him light her cigarette before sending him away, no less.

Hagsloitation

Abandoned

You Mean All This Time We Could Have Been Friends?