Considering Diary of a Badman is a satirical comedy about a British Muslim trying to be a thug, it's guaranteed to feature a lot of puns. Here's a few:
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Season 1
Episode 1
- Humza's mother calls in the help of the local imam to settle tension in the house, or as Humza calls him: Imam "I have a beard" Ali Khan.
Episode 2
- "Bruv, I got jacked! By girls! They took my phone, they took my money ... they even took my socks!"Humza: I need a new phone. How am I supposed to speak to my friends? Post them a letter? Nah, blud.
- Humza trying to get money from his mother to buy a phone:Humza: I mean, Ameh...
- Then:Humza: Yeah, she wedgied me. WHAT KIND OF... BLACK POWER RANGER MUM WOULD WEDGIE HER OWN SON??
- Then:
- "Nintendo Willy". That is all.
- And:Humza: And why do Asian people keep the same salad for six weeks? THE SAME SALAD FOR SEVERAL WEEKS?! "Abuji, what we having for dinner?" "I think your mum made chema." "What are we having for breakfast?" "I think it's chema." "What am I taking for packed lunch for my school?" "Chema." Bruv, as if I'm taking chema for my packed lunch. I used to have chema in parata for packed lunch.
And it it's been six weeks, and we've been eating the same salad! I turn around and be like, "Abuji, I swear this salad has expired now!" And he's like, "Don't worry. It's been in the fridge — it's fresh!"
Bruv, why do pakis think that if it's been in the fridge for weeks that it's been okay? I mean, you can keep a salad in a fridge for three years, and APPARENTLY, it's still okay. BRUV, IT'S A FRIDGE!!!! IT'S NOT A MIRACLE BOX!!!
Episode 3
- Humza talking about meeting his aunt at Eid:
- Humza: "Oh, Humzamathar... what a handsome boy. When are you getting married, son?" And I'm thinking, "You got married, and you've got a moustache, so no..."
- At the charity event:
- "We need some more girls in here, we need some more girls in here...
" - This:Imam: [crossly] What is this?! I find it highly disrespectful!
Humza: Bruv, I find Your Mum's sideburns highly disrespectful!
(Imam and Humza march over to each other)
Imam: [threateningly] Don't you ever talk about my mother's sideburns.
- "We need some more girls in here, we need some more girls in here...
- Humza's Happy Dance with a random stranger over the countdown to Eid, but then this happens:
- Humza: Wait a minute... I swear this is kinda gay. (long pause as Humza and the stranger think very hard) BLUD, THIS IS GAY!!!! GET OUT, MAN!! GET OUT!!
(the stranger leaves the room)
- The activities people do for Eid:Humza: Why is Eid so crap? IT'S SO DEPRESSING!!! THERE'S NOTHING TO DO!! My friends are so dumb, yeah, they'd call me up, and they'd be like, "Yo, could you do something, yeah? For Eid?" And I'd be like, "Yeah, man — I'm down for it!" And they'd be like, "Well, blud, basically, you collect me and my mates, yeah? And we go Southall, and we'd drive from one end to the other, like, for an hour or two? And then, basically, when we go to one end, we'll just do a U-Turn, blud! And then, we get to the other end and we say "What do we do, now blud?" "I know, blud — we just do a U-Turn!" And then we got the other way, and then ... blud, can we just do this, yeah? No long t'ing."
And I'm like, "Blud, are you dumb?! Do you think petrol is free?! Why do people do that, like, drive up and down, up and down ... don't you lot get dizzy?! Even your Tom-Tom in your car's like, "Are you dumb, blud? Are you dumb? Why did these perverts bring me along?" " - Humza talking about getting money on Eid:Humza: The one thing I hate about Eid is ... those stingy ones! Last year, my auntie actually gave me a £1 cheque. Am I really gonna go to the bank and cash that in?! "Yeah, can I have my pound, please?" NO!! I LOOK LIKE A RETARD, BLUD!! Then my uncle tried giving me a euro — what am I gonna do with a euro, blud?
- For Eid, Humza throws a snowball at his mother, which he learns what happens afterwards the hard way.
- Humza: (his mother's pulled out a knife) AMEH!! YOU CAN'T BRING A KNIFE TO A SNOWBALL FIGHT!!
(Humza's mother chases him around the garden, knife poised in hand)- And this cuts to:
Humza: After my mum stabbed me, she told me to wrap up warm and get lost.
- Humza points out the tardiness of Asian people.
- Humza: Why do you think that companies make watches, eh? THEY MAKE WATCHES FOR PAKIS, BLUD!! BECAUSE PAKIS ARE ALWAYS LATE!! Doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, pakis are always late! Sometimes, they're late BEING LATE!! Now, think about it — if your Pakistani friend comes up to you and says, "Eh, brother -- when's the party starting?" You're like, "nine", even though you know it starts at two.
- When Humza meets up with an old gang:Gang leader: Hey, I know you. You went out with my sister.
Humza: [grumpily] What's your point, prick?
Gang leader: Are you silly? She's very upset, you know.
Humza: [smugly] Bruv, I must've dumped her 'cos she was butters, innit?
Tiny gang member: [to leader] Bruv, are you crazy? Don't let him talk to you like that!
Humza: Don't go for me, man! I'm vulnerable, blud!
(the group grab him and throw him to the ground, throw snowballs at his unconscious body and storm off)
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
- The entire first part of the episode with Humza's rant.
- Moaning about curry:Humza: The scene was set. I was there in the living room, with my ice cream tub and my spoon (holds up a wooden spoon) — I was about to watch a Kala Swarm on DVD — pirate, innit? — with big-up Chinese people; they're hustling, bruv, they're hustling ... then, what happens? THIS CURRY, INNIT???!! BRUV, WHY DO ASIAN PEOPLE DO THAT??!! WHY DO THEY PUT CURRY IN ICE CREAM TUBS???!!
- Indian dramas:Humza: Have you ever wasted 25 minutes of your life watching an Indian drama, blud? Every time someone said something bad, there'd be thunder in the background. Full on, like, thunder! But, blud, it's two o'clock in the afternoon and you're outside, and the sun is shining — WHY IS THERE THUNDER, BLUD???!! [...] And every single episode would have the most ANNOYING cliffhanger endings you will ever see in your life, and then I look across the living room at my mum and dad — their reactions, blud! My dad's there like, "What the hell?! What is this papass?! Bloody hell! BLOODY HELL!! Why do we watch this crap??! WHY??"
That what I'm trying to tell you guys. WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS CRAP???!! - Bollywood:
- "Have you ever noticed that they deliberately choose ugly backstage dancers? Just to make the hero and heroine look better?! SOME OF THEM ARE SO BLINKIN' UGLY, I SWEAR DOWN!! Those are the type of people you find in the village, riding a cow naked while eatin' salt!"
- This:
Humza: Bollywood movies?! BLUD, there even worse. I watched my first Bollywood movie at the age of 14... THAT MOVIE FINISHED WHEN I WAS 15!! Blud, once I went out with this kuchta — yeah? — and I asked, "What d'you wanna watch?"
"I vant to vatch a Bollyvood movie."
"Ah, shut up, man. Whatever." So we went to this Bollywood movie. Bruv, the movie was so long, there was actually an INTEVAL! Bruv, who needs a break watching a movie?!
- Moaning about curry:
- "After my mum broke my legs, I went for a walk."
- The rap battle between Humza and his mother.
- The cop giving a gang member a cavity search at random, leaving him unconscious on the floor. The look one Humza's face says it all.
Episode 7
- When meeting his family
- This:Humza: After my mum beat me up, she was being very nice to me ... in hospital ... where I was getting treated ... because, she beat me up very badly.
- Aunts and containers.
Episode 8
- This from one of Humza's rants:Humza!Young cousin: Hi, Humza! Why don't you come to our house anymore?
—>Humza: 'Cause your mum looks like Wolverine!
Episode 9
Episode 10
