Funny / Dead Wood

• Almost any kind of interaction between Swearengen and Mr. Wu turns out like this, thanks to them each understanding maybe five words of the other man's language- three of them profane.
  • Particular highlights include an enraged Wu trying to explain to Swearengen that their opium courier got robbed... through pantomime, charcoal sketches, and repeated shouts of "White cocksuckas!" Swearengen replies "I'm glad I taught you that fuckin' word." Johnny comments that it's the first time he's heard anyone but Al shouting "cocksucker" in Al's office that wasn't immediately followed by Al coming out and gesturing for Dan to come upstairs with his knife.
  • "WHO, YOU IGNORANT, FUCKING CHINK!"
  • There's even a Bilingual Bonus moment when Swearengen tries to explain the enmity between him and Hearst using a term—"bak gwai lo"—he'd heard Wu use about people Wu didn't like. Wu's confused expression becomes hilarious if you know that Swearengen just called himself and Hearst "white devils." Rather appropriate...
  • The conversation about "the San Francisco cocksucker". When Al muses how much "juice" the guy has, Wu understands "jews" and draws a big nose in the air with his hand.
• Jack McCall haplessly trying to recreate an insult he was handed by Wild Bill to another poker player.
• The Trial of Jack McCall is full of humor from Al's opinion of the trial.

  (The Prosecutor begins his opening argument)

  Al: We'll be here till fucking Christmas.

  (Everybody at the trial looks up at Al.)

• The scene after Al "promotes" Johnny to being a Road Agent. Al's talking to Dan about it, when Johnny comes down the stairs.

  Johnny: Hey, Al. Any reason I can't share with Dan what you told me about me taking over for Persimmon Phil? (Note that Dan is standing right there)

  Al: Yeah. Keep Dan in the dark.
  Dan: (trolling) Hey Johnny. What's new?
  (Johnny looks at his feet)

• The swatches scene with the flamboyant German tailor talking to the coldblooded killer Swearengen. To say more would ruin it. [1]
• "Among humans, for grip, the China-woman's snatch has no peer. In all nature, the python is its only rival, though few have lived to tell the tale..."
• "I will profane your fucking remains, E.B... Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig."
• Al's near perfect impression of E.B.
• Jimmy the opium courier soiling himself after Al punches him.
• E.B. advising new minister Andy Cramed to "avoid looking left as you exit," as Richardson is doing a Pagan-like ritual with the antler Alma gave him.
• "THE TIT-LICKER!"
• Everyone trying to work out what to put in the paper about the smallpox:
  Merrick: "The vaccine will be distributed gratis."
  Al: Free gratis.
  Merrick: Free gratis is a redundancy.
  EB: Does that mean 'repeats itself'?
  Al: Then leave gratis out.
  Merrick: What luck for me Al, that you have such a keen editorial sense. "Free. Distributed Free. Period."
  • This becomes a bit of a Brick Joke in later episodes, as a sign in front of Merrick's place can be seen a few times saying that the previous day's paper is "Free Gratis."
• Calamity Jane encounters Cramed dying of the plague that will soon hit Deadwood, and though she tends to him she rapidly grows tired of the only thing he can say in his fever... over, and over, and over.
  Cramed: I 'pologize...
  Jane: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
  • From that same scene, her yelling "ARE YOU DEAD?" at him.
• Swearengen confronts his lackey Jimmy Irons about stealing his opium, threatens to throw Jimmy off the balcony, and punches him in the face. Things get a little weird after that, with Jimmy's casual acceptance of the whole series of events really selling it.
  Jimmy: I just shit myself, sir. I'm saying it now before the smell gets you.
  Al: (incredulous) You shit yourself?
  Jimmy: I'm sorry, go ahead.
  Al: Throw yourself off the balcony.
  Jimmy: I'm gonna crawl, sir. I shouldn't stand.
  Al: Hurry the fuck up. Go on, throw yourself! Stay in the fucking muck until I'm down there.
  Jimmy: (hand recoils from ground) Just got a splinter the size of my arm in my fucking palm. (notices Al's angry expression) It's alright.
  Al: Go. Go get your shit-smeared ass off my balcony. Go! Go, go!
  [Jimmy jumps off the balcony and falls in the mud]
  Jimmy: I hurt my arm but I'm okay.
  Al: Fucking lie there now.
  Jimmy: I'm just gonna roll forward. so I don't get trampled.
  (Al walks off in disbelief)
• "A Constant Throb" has several great comedy elements.
  • Al snapping to Charlie to send a telegram to Bullock about the shooting "but keep to fucking generalities only. Otherwise, that maniac'll come back shooting."
  • Alma gasps about nearly being shot.
  Alma: I need to take off my corset.
  Al: No one will object to that here.
  • Al watches as Jewel shuffles up the stairs with a tray of food. "Every step a fuckin' adventure...
  • Trixie watching Al and his gang "ponder" the situation.
  Trixie: I leave here full of confidence, knowing you're all thinking in concert. (pumps fist in the air)
  • Al tries to figure out if there's anyone to turn to for help.
  Adams: Far as that...there's Hawkeye.
  (without hesitation Al punches him in the jaw)
  Al: You were told never to say that name.
• Jewel eagerly takes the chance to get back at Al's constantly insulting her limp when he's left limping himself from passing kidney stones.
  "God, he's always dragging that fucking leg."
• In "Complications," after Bullock rescues Commissioner Jarry from a mob Jarry himself provoked, Bullock decides to put the man in protective custody. Even Bullock starts to regret having saved him so quickly.
  Jarry: And now the jail, as wretched indignity accumulates!
  Bullock: Beating, short of murder, might have done you considerable good.
  • Also in this episode just before the rescue:
  [Bullock fires a shot into Tolliver's ceiling]
  Bullock: He's under protection of the law!
  [Bullock fires a second shot into Tolliver's ceiling]
  Tolliver: You've got their fucking attention.
• When Swearengen asks Farnum to set up a meeting between Swearengen and the widow Garett, who stays in Farnums hotel... and conspicuously doesn't tell Farnum why he wants the meeting.
  Farnum: And if she pries and pokes and prods me to elicit your intentions?
  Swearengen: Tell her I wouldn't say.
  Farnum: And if she asks me why you wouldn't?
  Swearengen: Say you're a pain in my balls that can't desist from inquiry! Until told to shut his fucking mouth, and act on the task he was asked to fucking do!
• When Joanie and Maddie are setting up the Chez Ami, Maddie spies someone lurking in the darkness outside. Joanie takes a look and says, "That's just the mayor," in a tone that suggests women like them have to deal with corrupt degenerates like Farnum all the time.
• At the start of the second season, Bullock is given a truly odd case: a man was murdered by another man because he was wearing the coat of a third man his killer actually wanted dead. Bullock ultimately decides, "He didn't kill the man he meant to kill and didn't mean to kill the man he killed", and lets him go. What makes this funny is that this actually happened - it's in reference to the murder of one "Bummer Dan", and Bullock's line is taken directly from court records. (In real life, the killer and his would-be victim would later be found running a crooked faro game together, leading some to suspect the whole thing was a set-up to kill Bummer Dan for some unknown reason.)