Funny / Dark Souls III

As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.

Base game

• On April's Fool Day, Bandai Namco Entertainment, of all sources, announced a trailer of Dark Souls III: The Movie for VHS release ^* Complete with an old 90's retro feel to the video editing.
• The description of the Simple Gem (used to grant Regenerating Mana through weapon enchantment) is dripping with Easy-Mode Mockery. From Software knew this mechanic was going to be abused by certain players, just like it was in Demon's Souls with the Crescent Falchion +1:
  A gem of infused titanite, said to be an object of infatuation for victims of stunted development. Used in infusion to create simple weapons. Simple weapons inflict magic damage and restore FP very gradually, to help even a simpleton muster some mettle.
  • Nonetheless, it seems to be a good PVP gem for melee-focused characters, since Weapon Arts use 1 point of Focus for every use.
• Very early in the game, you find your first chest, which usually contain Humanity or a slightly less beat-up sword. This time, it contains a valuable lesson in the form of a Mimic.
• Multiple weapons often share the same Weapon Art, which will also have the same description. One exception is the Broken Straight Sword, which has the usual description for the Stance skill, but with a small addendum.
  While in stance, use normal attack to break a foe's guard from below, and strong attack to slash upwards with a forward lunge. Only, neither move will appear very impressive with a broken sword.
  • The same goes for the Four-Pronged Plow. It has the same skill, Charge, as many spears. The main difference, however, is that using the skill causes you to trip at the end!
  Hold spear at waist and charge at foe. Only, it is important to have good footing.
• So you're running at top speed through a swamp strewn with discarded weapons, under fire from a giant archer in a nearby tower. You duck into cover and eventually come across said tower, and the elevator with which to reach the top... Except for some reason it's leaving without you! There's just enough time for you to figure out what's going on (or curse out the developers) before another elevator pops up from below you, carrying none other than this year's Onion Knight model: Siegward of Catarina! One can imagine the Ashen One's response to be some variation of "oh, that explains everything."
  • Even better, Siegward explains that he's trying to get to the top of the tower as well, but can't figure why the elevator only goes to the floor below. Note that when you respawn or warp in via bonfire, the elevator starts with the top elevator in the middle position. And there's no way he could've arrived in town via the Road of Sacrifices, because the room is shut and there's a tough enemy still there guarding the way. Oh, and when you go up, talk to the giant, and go back down again, you can find him at the mid-point of the tower when you drop off the elevator onto the wooden platform... Except he didn't use the elevator to get there, despite claiming he solved the elevator problem.
    • It seems as though the Ashen One decided to check the way Siegward came, bringing the lift down then up. And in your return trip, the elevator caught Siegward by the armor and carried him upwards! At which point he fell off to the midpoint platform.
      "On some days, I begin to doubt myself! I went up the tower — so I thought — then, somehow, ended up here. I'm not exactly sure what happened.
  • Oh and he came up with Undead booze. Booze. For Undead folks. Which raises a number of questions by itself, like: was there no alcohol for Undead in the millennia until this game?!
• Seeing the Ashes of the Lords of Cinder is meant to be a solemn reminder of how far you've come in the game thus far... except for the Abyss Watcher's Cinders, which manifests in-game as four skulls wearing their metal cone head caps. The imagery — essentially a bunch of dunce caps on a stone chair — seems so out of place with the tone of the game as to be absurd.
• Nearly all the equipment used by characters from previous games is referred to by some cool title instead of the name of the person they belonged to. The main exception is Smough's set, which is named after... well, Smough. You'd think it'd be be named the "Royal Executioner's Set" or something, which sounds far more cooler and dignified. But, nope — it's Smough's set. It just comes off as a well-deserved Stealth Insult.
• The very first bonfire of the Profaned Capital is in a ruined tower, with the floor of it being covered in ladders. Right next to the bonfire lies the body of Laddersmith Gilligan, who gives you a "lying on the floor dead" gesture when you interact with him. It almost looks like he escaped from the Irithyll Dungeons, just to die from falling.
• Item descriptions are almost always written from an objective, accurate perspective. The Black Leather set, which is worn and sold by Patches, clearly was not.
  The wearer of this fine attire was admired by friends and enemies alike, for his skills were unmatched, and his heart was true as gold. As its new owner, you have quite the shoes to fill.
  • This gets even funnier when the Ringed City Downloadable Content reveals that at least at one point in Patches’ life, this description was completely accurate.
  • Patches is an Unkindled in this game. Unkindled are people who failed to link the First Flame. Why he tried to do that is anyone’s guess.
• Speaking of Patches, this time you can mimic him with the right look and equipment, and the right spot...
• Meet the Patches Patrol.
• In this game, some enemies, if hit by another enemy's attack, will get angry and attack the other enemy. Turns out that among these: Mimics do not like fire demons. Seeing a skinny, tongue-lolling, giggling Mimic of all things beat down a mini-boss is just hilarious.
• More Mimic-related mirth: this .GIF◊ of a sunbro getting chased by a Mimic has near-perfect comedic timing and is only missing the Benny Hill theme. Oh wait...
• Making various gestures in front of the Firekeeper is either this or heartwarming. She will dance for you if you start clapping; and if you pretend to slump in front of her, she turns her head away as if she's giggling.
• This may sound like a weird example to some, but in the Irithyll Dungeon, there are corpses with items that will scream a horrifying shriek when you pick them up. The funny part is that they don't actually do anything other than that. As in, their screams do not attract enemies, nor cause damage or even a debuff. You could argue that they were put in for ambiance, but by the fourth time this happens, most people will usually be groaning, "Are you serious?!"
  • Oh, the fourth one does something, alright. The last screaming body will make all the jailers patrolling on the ground floor rush into the cell to see what all the racket's about, at which point they see you and attack you. Bonus points for letting us get used to the ambiance before springing the trap. Some would claim that this makes sense, while others will declare that FromSoft loves to troll us.
• Also in the Irithyll Dungeon, if you've opened the cell Siegward can be found in but haven't continued his questline that far, then wander back to Irithyll of the Boreal Valley and progress the questline, when you go back to the Dungeon, Siegward will still be sitting there patiently waiting for you to rescue him. They don't close or lock the door after sticking him in it. He's waiting to be rescued from an unlocked cell. Nice going, dude.
• The Darkmoon Blade covenant is difficult to find as it involves walking across an invisible path towards a high tower. The game acknowledges this, with Yorshka asking you how you managed to get up there in the first place.
  Yorshka: May I pose thee a question? This tower, this prison, stands tall and solitary, the contraption bridging its lower reaches long unmoving. So... by what path didst thou here ascend? Art thou a creature of the air, or other winged thing?"
  Unkindled: Yes, I can fly.
  Yorshka: Oh, my! I imagined it might be so. Then thou'rt a dragon, or perhaps a crow? Well, whatever thou beest, thou'rt wondrous strange, yet strangely familiar, visitor."
• A minor Stance-related one is using the Dancer's Enchanted Swords special move. The Ashen One can pull off her spinning pirouette move until they run out of stamina, at which point they stop spinning and take a moment to wipe their brow. That's right: you can be hauling around the heaviest stuff in the game, but trying some fancy footwork is when the Ashen One gets tired! Whoever the Ashen One was in life, a dancer by profession they are certainly not.
• Once you arrive in the Untended Graves, it's very likely you will find player messages stating "This place again?!" You can read the exasperation in the text.
• How to deploy the Armor of Thorns Set to its deadliest effect: gather a group of fellows with the same armor, start a Kirk fan club, and destroy your foes by just rolling into them. It works on invaders, enemies, and bosses alike!
  [Invader arrives. Host points behind him.]
  Host: Look behind you, friend.
  [Invader turns around, sees three other guys wearing Knight of Thorns armor slowly standing up and walking toward him.]
  Invader: ....Fuck.
• FromSoftware lied about Dark Souls III being the last game in the franchise!
• While the very fact that Patches was able to steal Siegward's armour and trap him in a well is funny in and of itself, it gets even funnier when you think about it: the well is fairly narrow and it's hard to imagine just how Patches got him down there. Then there's also the fact that he won't come out of the well until you give him his armour, which is odd considering he'd had more freedom of movement outside of his rather sizeable armour. Siegward could get out at any time, but he's naked. He just won't come out because he's embarrassed! His dialogue even hints at this, as he's more concerned about the armour rather than the well. It's funny to picture that this knight who's brave enough to fight a Lord of Cinder would be so bashful as to hide in a well rather than let anyone see him naked.
  • Actually, he also needs his armor for practical reasons. Not to climb out of the well, but to turn around and fight his way through the sewer centipedes!
  • Speaking of Siegward, there's also his obnoxiously loud snoring when he falls asleep.
• Thanks to how Summoning works, it's possible to have Knight Slayer Tsorig fight himself in the Smoldering Lake. Unfortunately, Phantom Tsorig doesn't immediately poof out of existence if he wins.
• The Braille Divine Tomes:
  Irina of Carim: If I had a Divine Tome, I could tell you many tales and more.
  Ahh, only I cannot see...
  Terribly sorry, but you'll have to find me a Divine Tome in braille.
  • Referencing a 19th-century invention in this fantasy-medieval world is just so hilariously out of place, you'd think it was a joke, until you actually find a Tome in braille.
  • Not just one. Every last one is in braille.
• Some of the item descriptions offer unexpected hilarity amidst their flowery prose:
  Fallen Knight Trousers: They are dampened and indelibly stained with the misery of flight.
  • What's extra funny is the implication of the Fallen Knight set being a short distance below the Stray Demon's spot on the Farron Keep bridge. The Stray Demon has a grab attack that can throw you off the bridge, rather recontextualizing the meaning of the "Fallen Knight" experiencing "the misery of flight".
• In Irithyll of the Boreal Valley, if you go upstairs from Siegward's location, you'll find a Silver Knight staring intently at a picture on the wall. Get closer and you'll see it's an aged, faded painting of Gwynevere. Even divine knights need their cheesecake.
  • Even better, there's another Silver Knight nearby with a Greatbow ready to spear you if you get too close to his compatriot staring at the Amazing Chest. So either he's making sure his buddy can properly appreciate the cheesecake with no interruptions, or he's watching him for other reasons.
• There's a small bit of morbid humor to be found in the design of the Jailers; that branding iron you've become so acquainted with? The branding end appears to be in the shape of a peace sign!
• If the player stands too close to the corner with the rapier in The High Wall of Lothric's fountain area, they may aggro an enemy on the other side in the area with the cell key. Its attacks don't seem to hit the player, but they will break boxes on the player's side of the wall and probably startle the crap out of them.
• One of the many enemy types the player encounters is a Giant Enemy Crab. It's worth noting that the uniqueness of Dark Souls’ enemies, when compared to other games, is about themselves demonstrating a degree of self-preservation. And so, what makes the Giant Enemy Crab funny is that this particular enemy often does something that monsters from other videogames tend to do: Stupidly expose its own vulnerable spot at random intervals, allowing the player to initiate a free critical hit to Attack Its Weak Point for massive damage.
• The item description for 'Rubbish' is just dripping with humor, with the game itself asking why you're even carrying it around. It's just like the Rubbish in the first game. And naturally, Patches sells it.
  Rubbish with no value. Who in their right mind would bother carrying this around? Perhaps you need help.
• There is something just absurdly hilarious at how out-of-place the living skeletons are in the Catacombs of Carthus. While there are more interesting enemy variants, a good chunk of the enemies you will encounter there are literally just living, unarmored skeletons. In a game where a good chunk of RPG tropes are averted, subverted, and played with, it's rather amusing to see such a significant one played so utterly straight.
  • Not only that, the creators seem to go out of their way to make skeleton enemies as characterful and silly as possible without making them Joke Characters, giving them overblown diving sword spin moves, bringing back the infamous wheel skeletons, and having a setpiece that consists of two skeletons in hats that psychically control a pair of rampaging clustered balls of the skinless bastards that roll down (and up!) the stairs on a set path trying to crush anything that gets too close.
    • Killing the hat-skeleton will destroy the ball it controls. The first ball the player encounters drops a very valuable Undead Bone Shard when destroyed. The player will then naturally assume the second ball will drop another one, or something else equally as valuable. The hat-skeleton controlling the second ball is much more well-hidden than the first, so the player may spend quite a while searching for it. When they finally find it and kill it, the second ball destroys itself and drops... a crab.
• As usual, the physics engine is goddamn hilarious.
• A common player anecdote about the Soul of Cinder is getting to the second phase, hearing Gwyn's music, and instinctively going for a parry. Cue "You Died".
• If the Ashen One kills the Giants in the Cathedral of the Deep before Patches tricks them, he'll fail to notice until the bridge starts to lower. His reaction to this is priceless, as he drops what's likely the closest we'll get to a Cluster F-Bomb in the Souls Series.
  Patches: ...Huh? What happened to the old giant? What?! Where's the bloody giant?! Just what have you done?! How dare you! Have you no shame?! Damn! Damn! Damn, damn, damn, and damn!
• One particular item gank in Lothric Castle deserves a mention. You just ran past two dragons breathing fire on a bridge, you come into a dark room filled with exploding barrels, but unless you look around, you won't notice the three Firebomb-throwers readying their explosives. You see an item glowing in the distance and run towards it. You'll have just enough time to find out that you just obtained three Black Firebombs before you see the entire room blow up and taking you with it.
• If you follow Hawkwood's questline, Andre will eventually tell you that he left the shrine, but gives a message from "that crestfallen arse, Hawkwood."
• Yellowfinger Heysel invades the player for the second time in Farron Keep, making an already nightmarish level even more difficult. However, she spawns in the area of the swamp filled with Basilisks, and if the player uses a Seed of A Giant Tree (which makes enemies attack NPC invaders) quickly enough, the Basilisks have a very high chance of ganking Heysel before the player even sees her.
  Invaded by Dark Spirit Yellowfinger Heysel!
  (Player uses Seed of A Giant Tree)
  Yellowfinger Heysel has died.
  • The first area where Heysel spawns is just as likely to end badly for her if you have a Seed of a Giant Tree, since it's the area that also contains a giant crab and the Exile Watchdogs. Especially if you also summoned Holy Knight Hodrick and dragged him halfway across the map to get caught up in the melee.
• When most other bosses get down to critical health, they will either transform, unleash their true power, enchant their weapon, or summon minions, but for Champion Gundyr, the only visible change when he starts to get serious is that his eyes start to show. Apparently for Gundyr, the only thing he needs to do in order to kick the player's ass more properly is to just open his eyes and actually start trying.

The Ringed City

• The apocalyptic landscape of the Dreg Heap is dotted with messages from Slave Knight Gael. Each one is set at the edge of a long, typically-lethal fall, encouraging the player to jump, as if in reference to the many messages players have left throughout the series to trick others. But unlike all those player-orchestrated deaths, these thousand-foot drops are not lethal this time! Just be sure that Gael is at the spot before you charge over the abyss.
• After you help Lapp find the Purging Monument, he will point you towards a nearby ledge, saying that there's treasure there (which by itself is hilarious if the player recognizes where that happened before). After you take a look, you guessed it, Lapp, now revealed to be Patches, kicks you off the ledge and leaves after wishing you good luck. After you look around, it turns out to be the right way to proceed. After thinking about it, this makes Patches seem less of a Jerkass and more of a Tsundere.
• There's the description for the Preacher's Right Arm, whatnot with the sudden mood change near the end:
  "The desiccated right hand of a white-faced locust that rose from the abyssal swamp, that happens to perform as a catalyst for sorcery. The white-faced locusts were meant to beckon men to the dark with sermons, but most of them are unable to think past their own stomachs, the unruly mob!"
• The Ringed City is supposed to be an especially difficult DLC, but the way that difficulty asserts itself is humorous in its brutality, as the first thing you face when you reach the City is face the Ringed City Archers, who attack you en masse with obscenely powerful volleys that can reach you even when you get to their summoner.
• After you undo the enchantment on the Ringed City, and age it to dust, there are only five beings left. You (obviously), final boss Slave Knight Gael, a half-eaten Pygmy Lord who very slowly drags himself across the ashen wasteland towards Filianore only to die just before he reaches her, a pissed to high hell Shira, who gives you a "Reason You Suck" Speech for what you've done.. and a random Ringed Knight. Yes, it drops a Titanite Slab, but that's only once. Otherwise, it's just a random, nameless Ringed Knight who somehow survived the entire city suffering from No Ontological Inertia, and is just wandering around the end of the world, unfazed.
  • Gael, the Pygmy Lord, Shira, all of them don't respawn. The Ringed Knight does. So should you slay the other three, this nameless Knight is the only other being left alive in the world besides you!

---