Funny / Cerberus Daily News

• A woman discovers the relationship between an asari and her 'VI assistant.'
• In the same vein, Inconspicuous Organic describes his relationship with his goldfish
• Quint throws contact hallucinogens at people during a party. It splashes on TSS, Hok, Desrevni, himself, two C-sec officers, and Zoftan.

  Zoftan: Noneuclidean sandwich tassels: Oh. Oh wow. What just happened.

  *Zoftan stares at a plate of hot wings*

  Zoftan: Delicious gladiator souffle: It's so pretty.

• The “Dynasty Maker” storyline, its finale in particular. For context, note that the show in question is a reality program for salarians, in which the grand prize is the contractual right to have a child.
• Two volus challenge each other to MAN-TO-MAN COMBAT.
• This April Fool's post, which Lampshades one infamous moment in the game.
• In a thread filled with fictitious Cerberus dossiers, MDEsmond notes his Reason for observation.
• In an Elseworlds thread filled with silly crossovers, Kirok creates an insane one of his own.
• You’d think a volus chemist would be more thankful to his saviors. Macul? Not so much.
• Suri has a pregnancy scare.
• A cold salarian Mad Scientist known for his willingness to sacrifice everything for the bottom line goes incognito at a masquerade ball.
  • "YOU, DJ PERSON. THIS PARTY NEEDS MORE DANCING. ALL THESE FINE LADIES AND NO ACTION."
• What was supposed to be an impressive tour through a nebula goes horribly, HORRIBLY wrong.
• An elcor in a top hat delivers a singing telegram of "Hello My Baby" in the middle of a funeral.
• An interspecies discussion on breasts.
• The Khar’shan News Network’s infrequent but lunatic posting finally touches on a quirk of the boards.
  …Commander Shepard, a human so depraved and uncivilised that they do not even possess a first name or determinate gender…
• The Dwickcasts – a series of poorly-recorded podcasts detailing the misadventures of an old, fat krogan camwhore.
• As earth burns and the reapers invade Abattoir just wants his coffee.
  You know that point where all you want is to retire in peace and just kinda disappear into the ether and watch the holo for the decade or so you have left, and then somebody calls you up and says “Abattoir, do you know how to blow up a planet” or “Abattoir, there’s a dragon from outer space in the Horse Head nebula and why are you laughing, I haven’t even finished the sentence yet”, or “Abattoir, I’m going to have to cancel poker night because there’s an army of husked batarians clogging the street”
  And you assume that last one is an excuse, but then you go out for your first run of the day and there’s fucking warfare in the alleys and a fucking Sovereign is perched on top of the only convenience store in Uptown that serves halfway-decent cappuccino
  Fuck, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN
  ALL I WANTED WAS MY MORNING COFFEE
• A threat from a sociopath Cerberus Operative, prompts several board members to mock the hell out of the son of a bitch. Even the RPer who plays Thanatos thought it was hilarious.
• In a considerable departure from his usual impression on the boards, Viros Fenon manages to troll the boards in death.
  • VIROS!
• An overweight krogan discovers that the last place on the citadel offering plus-size Tuchankan clothing is shutting down. His landlord then holds his last pair of pants hostage.
• A forum poster relays a story about a krogan mistaking a hug for wrestling technique and judo-throwing an unsuspecting batarian into some garbage. Cue another poster going ”whoops.”
• As the Citadel comes under attack by Cerberus, a group of alliance marines hold out against a horde of troops. An aircar hurtles out of nowhere ejecting someone so that they smack into a bridge, peel off comically, and land in a lake.
• The Band's attempts to steal/retrieve the galaxy's last remaining panda bear.
• Standard Vorcha Cookshow.