Funny / Calvin & Hobbes: The Series

• This excerpt from Calvin's speech from "CALVIN FOR PRESIDENT!":
  "Look, the point is…SUSIE DERKINS IS A SNOB! That's right! She looks down on those who do mildly worse than her. She berates the barely smart. She constantly puts me down! THE WOMAN HAS NO IMAGINATION! SHE CAN'T EVEN PLAY A DECENT GAME OF 'MAKE-BELIEVE'! IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL TO GIVE A SNOWMAN A LOBOTOMY, SUSIE! STOP BEING SO CLOSED-MINDED!"
• This brief exchange from "The Alien Huntress":
  Sheila: Hello, I'm Sheila.
  Calvin: Nice. I'm leaving.
• In 'Nocturnals', Kim and Alyx. Just... just, Kim and Alyx. They're even more insane than Socrates, almost.
  Alyx: This can only mean one thing!
  Hobbes: These guys are still here?
  Andy: I'll bite, Alyx. What is this one thing it can only mean?
  Alyx: THEY'VE COME FOR OUR WATER SUPPLY!!!
  Kim: My god, he's right! It's come to take our water! Whatever shall we do?
• This whole scene from 'Alien Nation':
  Zack: So how many ducks have you seen in your whole lifetime?
  Andy: Erm... I don't know. A few.
  Lenny: FASCINATING!
  • And then...
  Carl: So how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
  (beat)
  Andy: Uh... 3.4.
  • Followed by this hilarious bit.
  Dave: You there, the cat!
  Socrates: ...yes?
  Dave: Are you a dog?
  (beat)
  Socrates: No. I am not a dog.
  Dave: Lenny, put "I don't know" for the cat!
  Lenny: I already have!
  Zack: Earl's going to be SO proud of us!
  • Actually, anything including the aliens is hilarious in itself.
• The episode "POV" takes a turn for the gloriously insane with each version of the same story.
  • In particular, Calvin's version that starts out as a James Bond parody before going completely off the rails.
• The MTM's sarcasm really lightens up even the most serious moments:
  Calvin: MTM. How many people are in this pyramid?
  MTM: Hmmm. Let me see. Counting you, Hobbes, Socrates, Andy, that hamster, and the five dead people following you around the hallway...ooooh.. about ten?
• Anything that comes out of Hobbes, Andy, Jack, the MTM, and Sherman are pretty funny enough, considering they're all Deadpan Snarkers.
• Hobbes' Humiliation Conga in "Have You Seen This Tiger?" is pretty hilarious, especially since it's caused by an angry Socrates, who Hobbes (at this point in the fic) practically idolizes.
• MTM constantly insulting Jark in "Attack of the Monsters".
• Dr. Brainstorm calling Hobbes and Socrates robots, which really annoys them.
  • He finally learns they're really tigers in Season 5, but still calls them that because it's "a force of habit."
• Calvin and Hobbes' little I Can't Hear You exchange in "The Black Turning Funnel Part 1". Plenty hilarious on its own, but becomes quite a bit more amusing when the second part reveals Calvin knew what Hobbes was saying the whole time.
• Dr. Brainstorm and Jack's typically normal conversation in "Dr. BrainChill Part 2" gets more amusing when laid over the battle between Rupert and Earl and the protagonists.
• Brainstorm attacks Andy, Sherman, and Socrates in "A Club's Blow", providing this immortal exchange:
  Andy: Oh, it's only you.
  Dr. Brainstorm: Only me? Come on! I'm more threatening than I look!
  Sherman: Pal, the hole you just came out of is deadlier than you.
  Dr. Brainstorm: Ha! I'll have you know- [trips over a discarded plank]
  Socrates: The piece of wood you just tripped over is more threatening than you.
• This bit from "Camp Blues":
  Socrates was in front of Calvin.
  When it was his turn, he walked up to the paper, took the pencil, and looked down at the paper.
  It had four names on it.
  "Names are so last year." he scoffed.
  And with that, he proceeded to draw a picture of himself in an F-14, shooting enemy jets down with missiles.
  It took him five minutes to do this, and Calvin finally lost patience, burst in, and kicked him out before he finished the twentieth missile.
  Calvin then wrote his name next to the crashed jet at the bottom of the page.
  Then Hobbes wrote his name next to the smoke rising from that crashed jet.
  Then Susie wrote her name next to the F-14's left wing.
• "Dad" has Father Brainstorm. Words cannot describe his absolutely hilarious lines.
  "Oh yes, yet another mark of pride! Our young mad scientist was already finding his adversaries! We were so impressed. When I was his age, I had to wait until my first job until I could find someone to do battle with."
• Many of the series' one-liners are quite amusing. From "Part Three":
  Andy: How could we forget? Last time we saw you [Electro], you were in a Death Hug with a certain hardlight hologram.
  Socrates: Oh, those evil electronic life forms grow up so fast.
• After Socrates' duplicate is eliminated in "Socrates Squared":
  Hobbes: I don't suppose there's a chance you actually learned something from all of this?
  Calvin: You'd have better learned something! You just had your own unlikable personality flung back at you, in more ways than one!
  Socrates: I suppose I learned something.
  Calvin: Good. What is it?
  Socrates: You guys have a lot to put up with just knowing me.
  [pause]
  Calvin: Meh. Better than nothing.
• Dr. Brainstorm trying to teach his mother how to work Windows 8 in "Black Rain".
• The scene when Hobbes beats up a doorbell with a hammer for ringing endlessly.
• In "The World's Greatest Calvin", Ben Stine is credited as "Guy that goes 'Mmmmm-hmmmm'".
• Calvin beating up Caesar the lion in "That's MISTER Sherman To You!" for proclaiming that the lion is the King of the Jungle.
  Calvin: Just so you know, I'm King of the Jungle.
• Pretty much the entirety of "Rhyme Time", as Calvin accidentally causes everyone on the planet to speak in rhyme, with himself and the MTM the only ones aware of it. Calvin's increasingly desperate attempts to restore normal speech and growing hatred of the rhyming are hilarious to read, and the MTM's nonchalance about the situation, in contrast to Calvin's over-the-top rage, just adds to the laughs.
  • The Lemony Narrator is also cranked up to eleven, enhancing the humour.
  In order to avoid another excessively stupid conversation...
  • And in the opening scene, Sherman testing to see if the song "Stayin' Alive" has supernatural powers, much to the displeasure of his test subject Socrates.
  Socrates: Lyrics... make no sense... yet... must get down... with bad self...

  • Sherman has a hilariously cheerful demeanor throughout the entire experiment, providing some of the best lines:
  Sherman: (upon being asked what Socrates is doing) Well, I'm just a scientist, but given the evidence, I'd say he's shakin' his groove thang.
  Sherman: (upon being asked what the experiment proves) I've forgotten, actually. It's been a few hours.
  • The Reveal at the end that all they had to do to end the rhyming was to say "orange".
• This golden exchange that summarizes much of Jack's relationship with Brainstorm:
  Brainstorm: Give me that! This is a highly... uh... fragile device!
  Jack: I'll bet.
  Brainstorm: WHAT!
  Jack: I'll bet you.
  Brainstorm: Very well, how much?
  Jack: Ten dollars.
  Brainstorm: You're on! [smashes the device] See, I told you it was fragile! ...oh.
  Jack: [grins and hands over the money] It was worth ten dollars.