Funny / Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 4

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Season 4

"The Freshman" (4x01)

• A random vampire sneaks up on Buffy and Willow, notices all their weapons, and decides to beat a hasty retreat. The pair were waiting for him to wake up and fail to notice him.
  Buffy: I gotta stay sharp. [glances over her shoulder, too late] Is this guy ever gonna wake up?
• Annoying, invasive student wants to know if Buffy has found Jesus.
  Buffy: Uh, you know, I meant to, a-and then I just got really busy.
• Like Buffy, Willow got a bunch of flyers for various things.
  Willow: [happily] I've heard about five different issues, and I'm angry about each and every one of them.
• Willow is excited about being in an environment where intelligence is encouraged.
  Willow: It's like this force, t-this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and, and spurt knowledge into— [notices "How are you not hearing yourself?" look on Buffy's face] That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
• Xander said he wouldn't come back until he'd driven to all fifty states.
  Buffy: Did you explain about Hawaii?
  Willow: Well, he seemed so determined.
• "I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion."
• Eddie asks if Buffy has read Of Human Bondage.
  Buffy: Oh, I'm not really into porn. I mean, I'm just trying to cut way back.
• Sunday looking through Eddie's CD collection:
  Sunday: Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring. [sigh] Astonishingly boring. We, we have to kill some cooler people. Will somebody remind me?
• "The best part was when you ragged on her clothes. She was like 'No! Not the ensemble!'"
• Buffy asks Xander why he didn't call since he's back in town.
  Xander: Well, I knew you guys were starting the whole college adventure, and I didn't want to, um, you know...help you move.
• Willow Is kind of spiraling over Buffy's apparent disappearance.
  Oz: Will, let's think this through.
  Willow: How can you be so calm?!
  Oz: ...Long, arduous hours of practice.
• Giles shows up late for the party with an armful of weapons. Also a CMOH.
  Giles: [as the rest of the Scoobies head off] The evil is this way?

"Living Conditions" (4x02)

• Buffy tells Giles about the demon she encountered and mentions that Kathy was present.
  Giles: You took your roommate patrolling with you?
  Buffy: Well, I invited the whole dorm, but she was the only who that could make it.
• Buffy's Death Glare when Kathy spills ketchup on the sweater she "borrowed" and later when Willow takes a bite from Buffy's sandwich. The Slayer's got serious ownership issues.
• Willow is having her own roommate troubles. There seems to be a constant loud party going on on their side of the room.
• Kathy finds that the book she put on her nightstand is now a bit stuck.
  Kathy: Ew! Who left their gum here?
  Buffy: [stops chewing] Gum gnome?
  Kathy: It wasn't me. It had to be somebody, Buffy.
  Buffy: [swallows] I don't know.
• Kathy claims to have had a dream exactly like Buffy's demon dream. After she leaves:
  Giles: You know what this means?
  Buffy: Yes. Not only does she take my sweater, but now she has to horn in on my dreams. She is the most ever mooch—Oh, I haven't even gotten to the floss.
• Buffy aggressively drinking Kathy's milk, not caring that it's spilling down her front.
• Oz cuts in on the Kathy-hating.
  Oz: Just a, just a thought, Buffy. Do you think all this ranting is scaring away potential demons?
  Buffy: You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work, now! She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer! [ax-kicks a bench, destroying it] She's...other really bad things!
  Oz: On the plus side, you killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
• The scene that starts with Kathy clipping her toenails.
• The way Buffy says, like it's so normal, "Kathy's evil. I'm an evil fighter. I'm gonna have to kill her."
  • "Evil toenails."
• Willow's phone call to Giles about Buffy. "I think she's feeling a little...insane. No, not bitchy crazy, more like...homicidal maniac crazy. [brightly] So I told her to come see you, okay?
• Thinking Buffy has gone nuts, which she has, kind of, Xander and Oz tackle her and tie her up.
  Xander: Buffy, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
  Buffy: Not yet, but it will.
  Xander: Don't say that. [has a moment of realization] Please don't say that.
• Xander and Oz watch Buffy struggle with her bindings.
  Xander: ...I don't know if I tightened those ropes enough.
  Oz: Then we'd better go over there and check them.
  Xander: [laughs for several long seconds, then stops] Oh, dear god.
• Buffy fighting against Demon-Kathy in their room, the two banging all around the room, bumping into walls and doors, before cutting to outside the room, and this gem from a student down the hall:
  Student: Do you mind? Some people are TRYING to study.
  • When Willow doesn't realize the truth yet, she tries to call and warn Kathy that Buffy might kill her. No one answers the phone because at that moment Kathy is smacking Buffy with it.
• The evil plot revealed: Kathy is a demon from another dimension who wanted to go to college.

"The Harsh Light of Day" (4x03)

• Xander complains about shelving Giles' books.
  Xander: I don't get your crazy system.
  Giles: My system? It's called the alphabet.
• Another Anya gem:
  Anya: [to Giles in his own home] I need to talk to Xander. Go away.
• "Harmony's a vampire? She must be dying without a reflection."
• Spike slams another vampire's head onto a table and gives him an Implied Death Threat, only to be interrupted by Harmony:
  Harmony: [in a cutesy voice] How's my little Blondie Bear?
  Spike: Harm... does this look like a good time to talk?
• Buffy running into Harmony and Spike at a party, and looking visibly amused when she realizes the "boyfriend" Harmony had been threatening Willow with had been him.
  Buffy: Spike... [cracking a grin] ...and Harmony.
  • Harmony insults Buffy's outfit, and Buffy hardcore glowers at her for it.
  • Parker extending a hand to introduce himself, and Spike and Harmony just staring at him silently until he awkwardly drops his hand.
    Spike: I like him. He's got, um... what's the word? Vulnerability.
    Buffy: And you with Harmony. What, did you lose a bet?
    Harmony: [sounding genuinely offended] Hey!
• While Spike and Buffy fight, Harmony reveals that Spike got dumped by Drusilla.
  Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
  Spike: Maybe I dumped her!
  Harmony: She left him for a fungus demon. It's all he talks about most days.
  Spike: [rolling his eyes upward] HARM!
  • And, moments later, Harmony reveals that Spike's looking for the Gem of Amara, much to his frustration.
• Anya drops her clothes while Xander's back is turned, and he turns around holding a juice box that he squeezes hard, squirting the contents. You can guess where it goes from there.
• This exchange between Harmony and Spike:
  Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
  Spike: No.
  Harmony: Oh. Can I turn him into a vampire?
  Spike: No. [Beat] Wait. On second thought, yeah. Do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.
  • "Harm, what does it take for you to SHUT THE HELL UP?!"
• Xander notes that Anya's matter-of-fact approach to seducing him is still more romantic than Faith was.
• Parker asking if Buffy and Spike used to date, causing Buffy to immediately burst out in laughter at the idea. Doubles as Hilarious in Hindsight.
• This exchange when Spike forbids Harmony from leaving the lair:
  Harmony: You said we'd go to France, and now I can't even leave the lair?
  [Spike's henchmen disperse, grumbling to each other]
  Spike: Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass. Now, when I have the Gem, they all die, don't worry. But until then, stay inside. And by the way, I would be insanely happy if, from this point on, I heard bugger-all about SODDING FRANCE!
• Spike's Dramatic Necklace Removal off of a corpse with what he believes to be the Gem of Amara, and Harmony in the background undercutting his dramatics:
  Harmony: Ew. Like you're too good to work a clasp.
• Spike's Pre-Asskicking One-Liner to Buffy, who's reeling from Parker's rejection of her:
  Spike: Well, that was pathetic. [punches Buffy as she turns]
• Spike remarks that he wants to see if he'll freckle in the sunlight.

"Fear Itself" (4x04)

• The Scoobies are carving pumpkins, but Buffy is still moping over Parker.
  Xander: What do you think, Buff?
  Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and...rips your guts out.
• Xander meant to rent Phantasm, but got Fantasia instead.
  Oz: Maybe it's because of all the horrific things we've seen, but hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to.
• When Buffy visits Giles at his home, he is wearing a huge sombrero, for a hilarious visual.
• Buffy says her dad just took her trick-or-treating because he wanted candy. Joyce says the candy was actually for her.
• Willow is all sunny discussing Halloween, after Parker dumped Buffy.
  Willow: We need to make sure Buffy has fun. Force fun upon her. Yeah, and if Parker shows up, we'll just... axe-murder him! That's Halloween-y!
• Anya goes to enlist Giles' help.
  Anya: Are you listening? Xander's trapped.
  Giles: Uh, where's Buffy and the others?
  Anya: Oh, they're trapped too, but we've gotta save Xander.
• Giles and Anya trying to gain entrance to the magically sealed house:
  Giles: [reading through a magical text] We're gonna have to create a door.
  Anya: [...] You can do that?
  Giles: I can.
  [He pulls a chainsaw out of his bag and starts cutting]
  • Xander after Giles makes his way into the attic:
    Xander: It's Giles! With a chainsaw!
• They discuss how to end the haunting of the house. Giles reads from his book:
  Giles: The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the Mark of Gachnar...
  [Buffy immediately destroys the mark]
  Giles: [glares annoyed at Buffy, raising his voice] ...is not one of them, and will in fact immediately bring forth the Fear Demon itself!
  • Then Gachnar turns out to be three inches tall. Willow finds him cute. Buffy slays him by stomping on him, and doesn't even put much effort into it.
• The exchange between Xander and Giles that follows Gachnar's appearance:
  Giles: Don't taunt the Fear Demon.
  Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
  Giles: No. It's just tacky. Be that as it may, Buffy, when it comes to slaying—
  Buffy: Size doesn't matter?
  Gachnar: They're all going to abandon you, you know.
  Buffy: Yeah, yeah. [stomps]
• The final scene:
  Buffy: There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate!
  Willow: I think I'm gonna barf...
  Buffy: Except that.
• Last lines:
  Buffy: What's the matter?
  Giles: [comes over to show her the book] I should have translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
  Buffy: What's it say?
  Giles: Actual size.
  • What really makes this last scene is the ominous music playing through it that every viewer has heard right before something bad is about to be revealed... that drops off as soon as Giles says his last line.
  • Then Buffy simply shrugs and closes the book, and we Smash to Black.

"Beer Bad" (4x05)

• Buffy's Daydream Surprise Rescue Romance is kinda sad the first time around, but becomes hilarious the second time when Parker now has his shirt open and he's holding a bouquet of roses in one hand and a pint of ice cream in the other.
• When Xander says he got a job as a bartender, it's pointed out that he's underage, so he shows them his fake ID, featuring a photo of him with a mustache.
  Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up-and-up.
  Xander: What gives it away?
  Willow: Looking at it.
• Buffy faces the reality that Parker is just a jerk, not a nice guy who's pulled away from her due to his "issues".
  Buffy: If he were tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent, it wouldn't really be like I killed him, really.
• Willow checks on Buffy, who's hungover and/or in the first stages of becoming a cavewoman.
  Buffy: I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of...badness.
  Willow: You didn't. Not with Parker again.
  Buffy: No. With four really smart guys.
  Willow: Four? Oh...Ow.
• Cavewoman-Buffy demanding more beer.
  Cavewoman-Buffy: Want more beer!
  Xander: No, I've cut you off.
  Cavewoman-Buffy: ...Did it hurt?
• Xander driving the cavemen away with fire. From a lighter. "Fire angry!"
• Xander leaves the bar, then makes a brief return to tell Jack, "You're a bad, bad man!" complete with finger-pointing.
• This:
  Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
  Xander: I didn't know it was evil.
  Giles: You knew it was beer.
  Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. "I spent the sixties in an electric Kool-Aid funky-Satan groove."
  Giles: It was the early seventies, and you should know better.
• Willow is reaming Parker for his transparent attempt to sweet-talk her.
  Willow: I tell you, men haven't changed since the dawn of time.
  [the cavemen barge in]
  Willow: See?!
• Xander makes the mistake of mentioning beer, which does at least get her mind off mating with him.
  Buffy: Beer! Buffy want beer.
  Giles: You can't have beer.
  [ominous drumbeats as Buffy slowly turns to give him a Death Glare]
  Buffy: Want...beer.
  Xander: Giles, don't make Cave-Slayer unhappy.
• Buffy comes upon the fire that the cavemen started, and has enough presence of mind to attempt to use the fire extinguisher...but all she can think to do with it is throw it in the fire.
• Xander wonders where Giles is. Cut to Giles stuck asking a student if he's seen Buffy.
  Giles: Blonde. About this tall. She walks with a sort of a sideways limp.
• Buffy clubs Parker unconscious before rescuing him from the fire. This after one of the cavemen already did that to him.
• Hammering home the special message from the episode:
  Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? Huh? What did we learn about beer?
  Cavewoman-Buffy: Foamy!
  Xander: Good. Just as long as that's clear.
• And at the very end, the gang locks the snobs-turned-cavemen in some random person's van, Parker shows up begging forgiveness, and Cavewoman-Buffy clubs him unconscious. Again.
  • Then the Scoobies look down at Parker before starting to head off, though Xander has to gently guide Cavewoman-Buffy in the correct direction. All the while the cavemen keep making wild noises in the van.

"Wild at Heart" (4x06)

• The Cold Open, where Buffy lets a vampire chase her before turning around and kicking his ass.
  Buffy: You were thinking, what, a little helpless coed before bed? [thrashes him] You know very well, you eat this late... [stakes him] you're gonna get heartburn. [like she's expecting a laugh] Get it? Heartburn? [he turns to dust] That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought-out puns. I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying. I mean, you could make a little effort here, you know? Give me something to work with.
  • Spike watches her go, and his monologue gets unexpectedly interrupted.
    Spike: Watch your mouth, little girl. You should know better than to tempt the Fates that way. 'Cause the Big Bad is back, and this time, it's— [starts jerking as he's tazed and bagged by commandos]
• Buffy goes to Giles' place. He's rather bored, bitching at a game show contestant for getting an answer wrong.
  Giles: You came on business, I hope?
  Buffy: Yes. Lucky for you, people may be in danger.
• Willow asks Xander whether it's a bad sign if the girl wants to have sex but the guy doesn't, and he suggests "the girl caught the guy in one of the seven annual minutes he's legitimately too preoccupied to do it."

"The Initiative" (4x07)

• Buffy's clumsiness in the cafeteria. As Forrest grills Riley for details about her, she spills her drink, breaks the handle off the fro-yo machine, causing it to continually dispense fro-yo while she tries to fix it before giving up, and finally drops her purchases on the floor. It's hard to imagine someone less likely to be a badass demon fighter.
• Spike asks his neighbor just who's captured them for experimentation. "The government? Nazis? A major cosmetics company?"
• Spike vows to get Buffy, not caring how brilliant she is. Cut to Buffy in a lecture with ink all over her hands and later ruining her notes.
  Buffy: Stupid pen.
• Spike breaks out of the Initiative with another vampire, but they run into trouble.
  Spike: New plan, we split up. [throws him at commandos] You go that way.
• This exchange:
  Xander: Every man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last.
  Giles: Oh, shut up.
• The scene where Willow is advising Riley on how to initiate conversation with Buffy:
  Willow: Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel.
  [Riley looks back at her, very surprised]
  Willow: A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun.
• Harmony's fight with Xander. First, they square off. Then Harmony slaps Xander. Then Xander kicks Harmony in the shins. Then they start pulling each other's hair. Then it goes to slow-mo...
  • Let's not forget also the battle music that actually sets in, as if this would be actually a suspenseful fight!
  • What's even better about this episode is that it's the only fight in either series in which any of the actors actually were hurt afterwards. Not badly, but they had to wear shin guards and kneepads so they didn't get too bruised.
• The scene with Spike being unable to attack Willow (which is played as a metaphor for impotence).
  Willow: Why don't we wait half an hour and you can try again? ... Or... [hits Spike over the head with a lamp]
• After the commandos get beat up by Buffy and are being dressed down by Walsh, Forrest claims, "Whoever he was, the guy was big."

"Pangs" (4x08)

• As Gerhardt gives her speech, Anya is Eating the Eye Candy.
  Anya: Look at him. Have you ever seen anything so masculine?
  Buffy: You mean Guerrero or his wife?
  Willow: I think she means... [gestures at Xander in a construction outfit]
  Buffy: Oh. Very manly. Not at all Village People.
  Anya: So much sexier than the outfit from his last job.
  Willow: Oh, I miss the free hot dogs on sticks.
  Anya: I'm imagining having sex with him...right now.
  • When he starts digging:
    Anya: Soon he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again.
    Buffy: Imaginary Xander is quite the machine.
• Buffy mentions that she isn't having Thanksgiving.
  Anya: Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.
  Buffy: It's not really a one of those.
  Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice with pie.
• Forrest fake-coughs "Mama's boy" at Riley, who suggests he might need to spend the weekend in quarantine. Forrest promises he's done coughing.
• Buffy's Blatant Lies about why she's having Thanksgiving at Giles's house, and Giles's response.
  Giles: And this is in no way an elaborate scheme to stick me with the clean-up?
  Buffy: ...How about that ceremonial knife, huh? Pretty juicy piece of clue-age, don't you think?
• The scene where Spike looks through a window at vampires sharing a victim, complete with tender music.
• When Willow tries to talk about Cordelia, Angel cuts her off for lack of time. Then he sees Riley talking to Buffy and wants to know who he is.
• Buffy tells Giles it's "Native American", not "Indian".
  Giles: Oh, right. Yes, yes. Um, always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as "bloody colonials".
• Buffy declaring "I like my evil like I like my men—evil!" What makes this line so funny is the sheer amount of self-awareness Buffy exhibits when she says it.
• Giles being inducted into the ritual of Thanksgiving dinner.
  Buffy: [on mashing potatoes] You don't have a ricer? What do you mean? How could someone not have a ricer?!
  Giles: Well, do you have one at home?
  Buffy: I don't know. What's a ricer?
  Giles: [irritably] We'll mash them with forks, much as the Pilgrims must have.
• Buffy complains that the frozen peas Willow brought will be mushy, and Giles says he likes mushy peas.
  Buffy: [Death Glare] You're the reason we had to have Pilgrims in the first place.
• Xander shows up, terribly ill.
  Giles: You look like death.
  Willow: Are you okay?
  Buffy: You didn't bring rolls?
• Buffy connects Xander's illness to the Chumash being exposed to disease in the mission.
  Willow: Yeah. This has a better account of everything. It lists the various—
  Xander: Various? As in...
  Willow: Well, the important thing is not to panic.
  Xander: Will, you just recited the mystical panic-causing incantation, so little hope there.
  • Syphilis is one of the various.
    Xander: Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?
    Anya: It'll make you blind and insane, but it won't kill you. The smallpox will.
• Spike asks Willow to confirm his inability to bite her.
  Willow: It's true. He had trouble performing.
  Giles: Um...what are you saying?
  Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.
• Buffy's sarcastic response to Spike being harmless:
  So you haven't murdered anybody lately? Let's be best pals.
• Buffy ties Spike up:
  Spike: Bloody hell, woman. You're cuttin' off my circulation.
  Buffy: You don't have any circulation.
  Spike: Well, it pinches.
• This exchange after Buffy and Willow argue about Hus:
  Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me!
  Xander: You got a lot of volunteers in here.
  Spike: I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians!
  Willow: The preferred term is—
  Spike: You won! All right? You came in, and you killed them, and you took their land! That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not goin' 'round saying "I came, I conquered, [switches to a mopey voice] I felt really bad about it!" The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons and you massacred them. End of story.
  • When Spike's done, Xander says, "Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but...some of that made sense."
  • Giles grumbles about how he made the same points earlier, but no one listened to him.
• Buffy asks Xander if he's up to going to warn the dean about Hus.
  Spike: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
• Spike being a lousy Thanksgiving guest:
  Spike: Hey. When do I get fed?
  Buffy: Later. [to Giles] I hope the others are okay.
  Spike: Do you know what happens to vampires who don't get to feed?
  Giles: I always wondered that, actually.
  Buffy: Giles, plates.
  Spike: Living skeletons, mate. Like famine pictures from those dusty countries. Only not half as funny.
  Buffy: You can have gravy. That has blood in it, right?
  Spike: Do you know what else has blood in it? Blood.
  Buffy: [annoyed] Do I have to gag you? Because I am not gonna listen to you whine all the way through my dinner.
• When Hus attacks again, Buffy tries to placate him. "Uh, you can have casinos now!"
• The arrows are flying, and several of them are in Spike.
  Spike: Remember that conquering nation thing? Forget it. Apologize.
  Buffy: Shut up, Spike.
  Spike: Fine, I'll do it myself. Hey, sorry! Sorry about that, Chief!
• The scene where Willow, Xander, and Anya are rushing to help Buffy and Giles... on stolen bicycles. Complete with heroic music.
• The way everyone keeps assuming Angel is evil again, for absolutely no reason.
  • And then he brutally snaps a guy's neck.
    Anya: What's he like when he is evil?
• Hus turns into a bear after Buffy stabs him with his own knife.
  Spike: A BEAR! YOU MADE A BEAR!
  Buffy: I didn't mean to!
  Spike: UNDO IT! UNDO IT!!
• Spike grumbling about not getting any food during Thanksgiving dinner in the final scene. His dry, resentful tone is what makes it utterly hysterical.
  Willow: Two seconds of conflict with an indigenous person and I turned into General Custer.
  Giles: Well, violence does that. You know, instinct takes over.
  Spike: Yeah...that's the fun.
  Xander: Nobody asked you.
  Spike: Oh, lay off! You all had a fine meal. But me? An entire siege; you'd think one of you would bleed a little.
• Xander says his syphilis is clearing up, with an amorous look at Anya.
  Buffy: And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wish it.
• The episode ends with Xander letting slip that Angel was in town helping the gang save the day. What really takes the cake is Spike's expression.

"Something Blue" (4x09)

• Buffy comes in as Riley is helping to hang a Lesbian Alliance banner.
  Buffy: Is there something you want to tell me?
  Riley: What? [follows Buffy's eyes] Oh. Yes, I am a lesbian.
  Buffy: Well, it's good that you're so open about it.
• While on patrol with Willow, Buffy ponders whether a safe relationship has the "fire" she wants.
  Buffy: I know it's nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting. [a vampire attacks, and she stakes it] I wonder where I get that from.
• Buffy and Giles interrogating Spike... while he's chained up in Giles's bathtub.
  Giles: Spike, we have no intention of killing a harmless... creature, but we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure you're impotent or...
  Spike: Hey!
  Giles: Sorry. Until we know that you're—
  Buffy: Flaccid?
  Spike: You are one step away, missy!
  Buffy: [mock fear] Giles, help! He's gonna scold me! [Beat] You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy for ya.
  Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinking pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide.
  Buffy: You want something nicer? [flaunts her neck] Look at my poor neck, all bare and tender and exposed.
  [Spike, very tempted, tries to lean closer]
  Buffy: All that blood just pumpppping away.
  Giles: [makes a "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!" expression] Oh, please.
  Spike: Giles, make her stop!
• Giles is talking on the phone to Willow when Spike, still chained up in the bathtub, demands that he turn on the television.
  Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well! AND IF YOU MAKE ME MISS IT, I'LL—
  Giles: [calls toward the bathroom] You'll do what? Lick me to death?!
  • Followed by this line:
    Giles: [to Willow over the phone] Among other things, I'd like to shower sometime today. Alone.
• Willow changing Amy (who turned herself into a rat in "Gingerbread") back into a human, without noticing it. And instantly changing her back into a mouse before Amy can say anything.
• Spike tearing at the ground, yelling for the Initiative to open up and fix him, after he ends up crossing paths with Buffy due to Willow's spell makes for a funny sight.
• This exchange as Buffy hauls a bound Spike back into Giles's apartment:
  Spike: Watch it!
  Buffy: One more word out of you, and I swear—
  Spike: Swear what? You won't do anything to me. You don't have the stones!
  Buffy: I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of... stones!
  Spike: Yeah? You're all talk.
  Buffy: [calling out to Giles] Giles, I accidentally killed Spike. That's okay, right?
• After Buffy and Spike have been enchanted to marry each other, hilarity ensues:
  Spike: Look at that lip. Gonna get it. Gonna get it. [starts kissing]
  Buffy: Oh, stop.
  Giles: Yes, please stop.
  • This line from Giles after Buffy refers to herself, Spike, and Giles as a family.
    Giles: It's all right, I-I have more scotch...
  • Buffy announcing her wedding to Riley:
    Buffy: I'm getting married, can you believe it?
    Riley: ...I don't think "no" is a strong enough word.
    • Buffy continuing to gush to him about her husband-to-be:
      Buffy: You'll really like him! Well, nobody really likes him—
      Riley: I just need to clear a few things up here.
      Buffy: —I don't even really like him. But I love him. I do.
      Riley: Who?
      Buffy: What?
      Riley: What's his name?
      Buffy: Who?
      Riley: The groom?
      Buffy: Spike!
      Riley: That's a name?
  • Then the issue of Spike's name...
    Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be "William the Bloody" or just "Spike"? 'Cause, either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
    Spike: Whereas the name "Buffy" gives it that touch of classic elegance.
    Buffy: What's wrong with "Buffy?"
    Giles: [deadpan] Huh. Such a good question.
    Buffy: My mother gave me that name!
    Spike: Yeah, your mother's a genius.
    Buffy: Don't you start on my mother!
• Xander testing if Giles is really blind by waving his hand in front of his face:
  Giles: Stop...whatever you're doing, you-you smell like fruit roll-ups.
• Then Xander finds out...
  Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
  Xander: How? What? How?
  Giles: Three excellent questions.
  • Followed almost immediately by Spike and Buffy going full speed with the kissing:
    Xander: C-can I be blind too?
  • Shortly after...
    Xander: Yeah. Right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
    Buffy: Xander!
    Spike: That's it! You're off the usher list.
  • Giles stumbling and falling to the floor after everyone (well, except Buffy and Spike...) figures out that Willow is causing all the strangeness in the episode.
  • This exchange:
    Buffy: You want me to stop working?
    Spike: Oh, let's see, do I want you to give up killing my friends? Yeah, I've given it some thought.
  • Spike finding a particularly ugly skirt in Buffy's closet and declaring that if she wears it to the rehearsal dinner, the wedding's off.
  • Somewhat later...
    Buffy: [referring to a crypt] ...and oh my God! wouldn't this be a great place to take pictures?
    Spike: I'm not posing for chuff-all [monster arrives]
    Buffy: Okay, listen...now, we're gonna do this without destroying the foliage.
• Willow turns down D'Hoffryn's offer to turn her into a vengeance demon.
  D'Hoffryn: [ominously] I'm sorry to hear that. [lightly] Oh, well. Here is my talisman. You change your mind, give us a chant.
• When Willow's spell breaks, Buffy and Spike are in the middle of a kiss:
  Spike: Oh! Bloody hell!
  Buffy: [jumps back, spitting] Spike lips! Lips of Spike!!
• The denouement...
  Spike: [tied up in a chair] Don't I get a cookie?
  Buffy: No.
  Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
  Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
  Spike: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
  [Buffy's friends turn toward her in horror on hearing this]
  Buffy: [embarrassed] ...That was the spell.
  • Willow shoving a cookie into Spike's mouth just to shut him up.

"Hush" (4x10)

• Riley asks Buffy about her dream, saying, "As a psych major, I'm qualified to go, 'Hmm.'"
• Giles acknowledges that Buffy's dream with the rhyme could be prophetic, "or it could just be the eternal mystery that is your brain."
• This exchange:
  Spike: We're out of Weetabix.
  Giles: We are out of Weetabix because you ate it all. Again.
  Spike: Get some more.
  Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
  Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
  Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
  Spike: Sissy.
• Giles dryly remarking "Thank you for knocking" after Xander and Anya enter without a word to him.
• Giles and Spike pausing to look at Xander and Anya after Anya gripes that all Xander cares about is having orgasms, followed by this:
  Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
  Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
  Giles: Please don't.
  Anya: This is important.
  Giles: Yes, but why is it here?
• After Giles asks Xander to take Spike for a few days because he's having a friend over and wants to be alone with said friend:
  Anya: You mean an orgasm friend?
  Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
• Forrest commiserates with Riley over the latter's desire to tell Buffy what he does. "This is the burden we bear, brother. We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet we must Clark-Kent our way through the dating scene, never to use our unfair advantage. ...Thank god we're pretty."
• Spike has to stay in Xander's basement and is tied to a chair by his bed, he says the following with the funniest girly voice you have ever heard:
  Spike: "Xander, don't you care about me?"
  Xander: Shut up.
  Spike: "We never talk."
  Xander: Shut up!
  Spike: "Xaaaaander..."
  Xander: SHUT UP!
• Xander picks up the phone, calls Buffy, and...hangs up. Then he shouts random things to see if he can vocalize a sound, blaming Spike at the top of his lungs, and Spike, still tied to a chair, flips him the V. Really, the half-an-act starting after Buffy wakes up has enough funny parts to be humorous if you can't read lips, but is truly hilarious if you can.
  • After Xander's belatedly realizes he can't use the phone when he can't talk, Spike gives him a Nice going, genius look.
• Riley and Forrest are in the elevator not able to get the vocal recognition thingy to work, and Riley is trying to remember the manual override password. Behind him, Forrest takes the time to write on his little scrap of paper.
  Forrest: [held up behind Riley's head] Come on! Come on!
• Walsh pointing out the "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY USE STAIRWAY" sign to Riley and Forrest after they had just survived the Initiative's poison gas countermeasures.
  • What makes it even better is that, judging by the longsuffering look on her face, she's done this several times already with the other soldiers.
• While businesses are closed, for obvious reasons, the liquor store has a sign out confirming they're open, for obvious reasons, and Sunnydale's residents do seem to be feeling the need for a stiff drink.
• The sheer terror the Gentlemen inspires kills it a bit, but Doug Jones does a hilarious "oh shucks, you shouldn't have" gesture when the others applaud his presenting the hearts they've gotten.
• When Giles rhetorically asks what the Gentlemen want, Willow indicates her heart, and Xander does the classic gesture and mouths, Boobies?
• Giles's overhead presentation, complete with stick figure drawings (using copious amounts of red pen for blood), Anya nonchalantly munching popcorn throughout and, best of all, Buffy's easily misinterpreted "staking" motion. Then her outraged "my hips aren't that big!" gesture.
• Xander attacks Spike when he thinks he's bitten and killed Anya, who wakes up and stands up near the two men as they brawl, and Spike simply points at Anya to convince Xander otherwise.
  • Then Anya, pleased by Xander's reaction to her supposed murder, holds one hand up in the "OK" sign, then pokes her forefinger through it repeatedly. Giles' expression at this is glorious to behold.
• When Buffy and Riley are fighting the Gentleman's minions, it's got Buffy gripped so she can't move. She signals Riley to smash the box that holds the voices. Riley smashes one of the jars and happily looks up at Buffy, who rolls her eyes in frustration.
• Olivia asks if everything Giles had told her back in the day was true. He says, "Well, no, I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd, but..."

"Doomed" (4x11)

• Spike tries to bash Xander with a wrench... only for his chip to go off, without Xander even noticing.
• Spike's ridiculous get-up after he accidentally shrinks his normal clothes in the laundry machine, and the following exchange:
  Spike: I shrunk them. Bleeding shirt, trousers... I hate this place.
  Xander: I'm no happier about you wearing my stuff than you are.
  Spike: Go out. Get me some decent stuff. And I want more blood.
  Xander: No! You're not a guest.
  Spike: You want me to tear this place apart, you poof?
  Xander: That's it! I am way past through with you. I hate to break it to you, O impotent one, but you're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even the Kind of Naughty. You're nothing but a waste of space--my space! And as much as I got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, and as much as I know I can give you a bum-kicking, I'm here to tell you somethin'--you're not even worth it.
• Forrest has had enough of Riley constantly talking about Buffy.
  Riley: Buffy—she's pretty cool, isn't she?
  Forrest: Yes, already. She's cool. She's hot. She's tepid. She's All-Temperature Buffy. Now, can we concentrate on the game here?
• Giles informs the Scoobies that the Vahrall demons are planning to bring about the end of the world. Their response:
  Buffy, Willow, Xander: AGAIN??
  • Buffy then gives Giles grief for not taking her misgivings seriously earlier:
    Buffy: I said "end of the world," and you're like "Pooh, pooh, southern California! Pooh, pooh!"
    Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
• Spike tries to commit suicide by falling onto a stake, and his attempt fails, thanks to Willow and Xander entering, startling him and causing him to crash onto the table.
  • Xander's response to Spike trying to off himself:
    Xander: For one thing, that's my shirt you're about to dust. For another, we've shared a lot. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
    Willow: Xander!
    Xander: What? He wants to die, I wanna help.
  • Spike tries to scare Willow. It doesn't work.
  • Willow insists on bringing Spike along to the museum so they can keep him from killing himself.
    Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're looking for, we're facing an apocalypse.
    Spike: Really? You're not just saying that?
• Can we have a moment of appreciation for Buffy and Riley discussing their similar career choices in public?
  Riley: I mean, you're a...fry cook, and so am I!
  Buffy: Yes, but you're an amateur...fry cook, and I come from a long line of fry cooks who don't live past twenty-five!
• Spike hits Xander and Willow where it hurts, making them doubt their usefulness to Buffy, then walks away with a smirk they can't see.
• Spike is overjoyed to discover he can hurt demons, showing he doesn't care so much who he fights so long as he fights.
  • He tosses the last of the Vahrall demons into the pit, not realizing what the others have figured out; the demons are sacrificing themselves to end the world. Cue horrified looks.
    Spike: What? I was helping!
• Spike's Brief Accent Imitation when Riley asks him "Don't I know you?"
• Being back at Sunnydale High, Willow says, "Everything seems so small...and more charred and ruin-y."
• Riley's pretty disappointed in himself after Xander and Willow find out about him.
  Riley: Could I have been less convincing? I was trained to be sneaky and stuff, and I'm like... "Hi. Paintball. Just passing by." I should have just given them my security code and rank.
  Buffy: You have a security code and rank?
  Riley: ...No.
• At the end of the episode:
  Spike: What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. That's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice... and for... the safety of puppies... and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! [screen cuts to black] Oh, come on!

"A New Man" (4x12)

• Spike takes his precious time moving out of Xander's basement, much to Xander's annoyance.
  Xander: You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
  Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized. [takes Xander's radio]
  Xander: That's my radio.
  Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.
  Anya: So what kind of place are you looking for?
  Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Some place, y'know, dark and dank. But not as dark and dank as this.
  • Anya attempts to give Spike Xander's lamp.
    Anya: Wait. I wanna give you something for your new place. [hands the lamp to Spike]
    Xander: That's my lamp.
    Anya: A gift is traditional. I've read about it.
    Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies, we don't give them my lamp.
    Spike: It's not gonna have electricity anyway. It's a crypt, remember?
    Anya: What about running water? A fridge to keep your blood fresh?
    Spike: No.
    Anya: Oh. Well, that's gotta suck. You should just get a hotel room.
    Spike: Demon Girl's got a point. I need fresh blood. If I had a few bob for a room with an honor bar—
    Xander: Out! Before I get the Slayer over here to kick your ass out!
• The cut from Xander's taunt to Spike about Buffy meeting with someone who's "actually still scary" to Professor Walsh going, "So, the Slayer."
• Buffy's interview with Walsh:
  Walsh: Agent Finn here, alone, has killed or captured... how many is it?
  Riley: [extremely proud] Seventeen!
  Buffy: Oh... Wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.
• Giles going "Oh, Crap!" after finding out that a demon prince is due to rise at sundown that same day.
• Giles pissing and moaning at Xander and Willow for not telling him that Riley is a commando.
  Giles: Stop, both of you. What are you talking about? What's the Initiative? What on Earth does it have to do with Buffy's new boyfriend?
  Willow: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's one of the commandos.
  Giles: What?! Well, that's marvelous, isn't it? Here I am, having spent weeks trying to get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors, and no one bothers to tell me Buffy's dating one of them?! [shines his flashlight into Xander and Willow's faces] Who else knows?
  Xander: No one. No one else knows this. [Beat] Anya, and that's it.
  Willow: [reluctantly] And Spike.
  Giles: Spike?! Spike knew?!
  Xander: Only the basic stuff. You know, that Riley is a commando and Professor Walsh is in charge—
  Giles: Professor Walsh?! That fishwife?
  • Giles sends Xander and Willow on their way, and decides to stay behind. Xander and Willow offer to stay, but Giles tells them to go, so they hustle out.
  • Giles then waits a moment or two before giving up:
    Giles:: Oh, who am I kidding? [collects his supplies] Nothing is going to happen. [leaves and closes the door]
    Ethan: [coming out of the shadows] I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper, old mate, I'd say something rather interesting was about to hap—
    Giles: [comes back in] Is someone—
    Ethan: Oh, bugger! I thought you'd gone!
• Ethan and Giles getting royally sloshed:
  Ethan: Who's Maggie Walsh?
  Giles: Oh, she's awful. She said I was a... absent male role model. Absent, my arse. But I'm twice the man she is.
  [...]
  Giles: What am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.
• Fyarl-Giles accidentally tearing off a banister in his apartment.
  Fyarl-Giles: Damn!
  • He then tries pulling on the shirt he wore the day before, only to end up tearing it.
    Fyarl-Giles: Oh! And I liked that shirt!
• Buffy tells Willow about kicking Riley across a room after he told her not to hold back, and Willow tells her she shouldn't pretend to be less than she is. Then she sheepishly confesses that she still held back a little.
• Fyarl-Giles enters Xander's basement to find him still asleep.
  Fyarl-Giles: Still asleep? It's 10:30 in the morning!
  • He then walks over to the bed and gets Xander to wake up. Xander sees Fyarl-Giles (who, to Xander, is speaking in the Fyarl language) and freaks out, jumping up and throwing pans at Fyarl-Giles, causing him to flee.
    Xander: That's right! Run for your life!
• Fyarl-Giles running across someone's front yard, where children are playing. He ends up stepping on a kid's toy and cries "I'm sorry!" before continuing to flee, muttering "Bloody humans."
• Spike telling Fyarl-Giles about the Fyarl demon's super-mucus:
  Fyarl-Giles: Listen, about this Fyarl demon. Do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams?
  Spike: Well, you got the mucus thing.
  Fyarl-Giles: What? Mucus?
  Spike: Paralyzing mucus. Shoots out through the nose. Sets up fast, hard as rock. Pretty good in a fight.
  Fyarl-Giles: Are you making this up?
  Spike: Maybe. But, hey, if you feel a sneeze comin' on, you warn me.
• Fyarl-Giles chasing Walsh down the street. Petty yet satisfying.
  Fyarl-Giles: I refuse to become a monster because I look like a monster. I have a soul. I have a conscience. I am a human being. Ooh, stop the car.
  • Spike laughs at Fyarl-Giles after he gets back in the car and says, "Right, let's go, then."
• Based on the report from Walsh's encounter, the Scoobies assume the demon stole Giles' car.
  Xander: Why would a demon steal a car?
  Anya: Why would a demon steal that car?
• Giles growls.
  Spike: How are you feeling, mate?
  Giles: Like snapping necks until everyone's dead.
• Spike driving Giles's car as a distraction for Initiative soldiers, and crashing it just as he's yelling "You just try and stop me, you stupid jarhe—!"
• When confronted by Fyarl-Giles, Ethan tries to talk him down like you would an aggressive canine, even calling him "Good Giles."
• When Giles asks how Buffy realized the demon was him—after stabbing him—she says, "Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that...can look that annoyed with me."
• Giles' :D face as Ethan is arrested.
  Giles: Erm... if you don't mind, I'm just gonna go and watch them... manhandle him into a vehicle. [exit stage left]
• Giles voices his concerns about the Initiative.
  Buffy: Are you sure you're not just saying this because you don't like Riley's boss?
  Giles: No, no, I'm not saying that at all...Though I do hate her quite a lot.

"The I in Team" (4x13)

• Xander unveils the Boost Bars he's trying to sell.
  Willow: No, thanks. Those things usually taste kind of tasteless, then leave a bad aftertastelessness.
• Willow guesses that Buffy is with Riley.
  Willow: You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.
  Anya: Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
  [Xander flubs the cards, sending them flying all around]
• Buffy asks Willow about her night.
  Willow: Well, spent most of it at Xander's teaching Anya to play poker.
  Buffy: That sounds like fun.
  Willow: Yeah. Except the Anya part and the poker part.
• Buffy is distracted from their conversation by Riley's food choice.
  Buffy: A Twinkie? That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.
  Willow: [wistfully] Everyone's getting spanked but me.
• Walsh handing Buffy some reading material about the Initiative and telling her, completely deadpan, that when she's finished, she'll have to eat the pages.
• Xander tries to sell a Boost Bar to Giles, who tries a bite:
  Giles: Please leave my home now.
• Spike has a tracer planted into his shoulder by the Initiative. Giles calls Willow in to use a spell to disrupt its beacon. The spell that Willow chooses has the effect of ionizing the air around them. After the spell is finished, all the lights in the house burst, and when the camera pulls back to the Scoobies. Their hair looks like they all got struck by lightning. Or, to put it another way, like they raided Angel's hair-styling gel stash and used it. All. At once.
  • Willow's hair is truly spectacular. Its defiance of gravity rivals any Final Fantasy character.
    Willow: Did it work? Is the atmosphere ionized?
    [cut to show all of them with crazy hair]
    Giles: ...I'd venture "yes."
• Giles suggests Spike leave Sunnydale, but Spike says he's staying until he gets the Initiative to remove his chip.
  Xander: Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
  Spike: You think that would work?

"Goodbye Iowa" (4x14)

• This exchange between Buffy and Xander:
  Buffy: OK, everybody grab a weapon. We've gotta move.
  Xander: And storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers.
  Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
  Xander: Thank God.
• Giles is resistant to the idea of hiding in Xander's basement.
  Giles: I will not squat in that dank hole.
  Spike: What? It was good enough for me, but you're above it all?
  Giles: Precisely.
  • Giles wonders why they can't just stay right where they are, saying it's very unlikely the Initiative will find them there... only for Riley to come in. Giles is left utterly speechless.
• When Riley identifies him as Hostile 17, Spike starts to fake an American accent, only to drop it and admit the truth.
  • Followed by this:
    Buffy: This is Spike. He's... It's a really long story. But he's not bad anymore.
    Spike: What am I, a bleedin' broken record? I'm bad! It's just... I can't bite anymore, thanks to you wankers.
• Spike's "supportive thumbs up" dopey grin before leaving.
  Spike: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that. By the by, if you're trying to kill her... [thumbs up]
• Giles is very cranky in the morning.
  Giles: Must we have the noise? [turns off the television] My head is splitting.
  Willow: Look who's Cranky Bear in the morning.
  Giles: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
  Anya: Every time you moved, it made squeaky noises. It was irritating.
  Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
  Buffy: OK, you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.
  Anya: Sorry.
  Giles: Sorry.
• Buffy delivers what could have been one of her more badass speeches.
  Buffy: You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine.
  [Everybody stares at her]
  Buffy: ...that probably would've sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.

"This Year's Girl" (4x15)

• Xander has no idea how to repair the Initiative's blaster, and Willow suggests pressing buttons to see what happens.
  Giles: Well, I'd like to veto that.
  Xander: Second. It's called a blaster, Will, a word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the orgasminator, I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach.
• Riley's In-Universe Continuity Lockout: After the rest of the Scoobies have a lengthy, intensive discussion about Faith waking up and what she could be doing, he sheepishly asks "Who's Faith?"
• Faith tells Buffy about the dreams where Buffy keeps stabbing her, and waking up to find Buffy isn't even with the guy she stabbed Faith for.
  Faith: So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel.
• Amber Benson gets some great physical comedy in.
  Tara: I'm not so good with the whole... [makes very weak punching motions]
  Willow: ...Swimming?
• Xander and Giles ask Spike for help finding Faith.
  Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. Real psycho-killer too.
  Spike: Sounds serious.
  Giles: It is. What do you know?
  Spike: What do you need?
  Xander: Her. Dark hair. Yay tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
  Giles: Have you seen her?
  Spike: Is this bird after you?
  Xander: In a bad way, yeah.
  Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where you are and then watch as she kills you. [sees their looks of surprise and irritation] Can't any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.
  Xander: Go ahead. You wouldn't even recognize her.
  Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. I like this girl already.
  [Xander and Giles watch him leave]
  Xander: We're dumb.
  • Fridge Brilliance here; except for the name, Spike's summation of Faith sounds like a certain other recurring character he's associated with.

"Who Are You" (4x16)

• Faith-in-Buffy's whole bit in front of the mirror.
  Faith-in-Buffy: [shaking her finger at her reflection] You can't do that. It's wrong. You can't do that because it's naughty.
• Xander says he and Anya are having a romantic evening.
  Anya: We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.
  Faith-in-Buffy: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes.
  Anya: Hey.
  Xander: I believe that's my "Hey". Hey!
• Faith, as Buffy, out-guesses Spike.
  Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
  Faith-in-Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
  Spike: [nonplussed] Well...yeah, that covers a lot of it.
• While heading out of the Bronze, Spike roughly shoves a random guy out of his way, and even that is enough to trigger his chip.
• Buffy-in-Faith trying to convince Giles of her true identity, with Eliza Dushku doing a dead perfect Sarah Michelle Gellar impression.
  Giles: Look, I know what you're going to say, and-and—
  Buffy-in-Faith: I'm Buffy.
  Giles: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.
  Buffy-in-Faith: ...Giles, I swear. It's me.
  Giles: Um...if you are Buffy, then, um... then you'll let me tie you up, w-without killing me...until we find out whether you're telling the truth.
  Buffy-in-Faith: Giles, Faith has taken my body and, for all I know, she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question. Ask me anything.
  Giles: Who's president?
  Buffy-in-Faith: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
  • Including this:
    Buffy-in-Faith: And you have a girlfriend named Olivia. And you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but... When I had psychic power, I heard Mom think you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?
    Giles: [horrified expression with deadpan delivery] Actually, I beg you to stop.
    Buffy-in-Faith: What's a stevedore?
• Giles, Willow, and Tara distracting the police while Buffy-in-Faith sneaks off to enter the church.
  Giles: Damn it, man! We have to get inside! Our-Our families are in there. Our mothers, and tiny, tiny babies!
• Faith-in-Buffy comes to a church to save people held hostage by vampires and runs into Riley.
  Faith-in-Buffy: How'd you get here so fast?
  Riley: I didn't; I'm just late for church.

"Superstar" (4x17)

• Xander practices whipping out a stake real fast.
  Xander: The quick draw is about more than speed. It's also about pointing the stake the right way. And there can be splinter issues. It is a true test of dexterity.
  Anya: [holding out a milk carton] Can you open this?
  Xander: No. I tear it and it gets all slushy.
• The over-the-top bit where Jonathan, blindfolded, prepares to shoot apples off the heads of three men for...no reason whatsoever.
• Xander complaining that Anya moaned Jonathan's name during sex.
  • A minute later, they agree to go have sex, both visibly turned on from watching Jonathan's performance.
• When Anya is reading Jonathan's book, Buffy grabs it out of her hands, and she says, "Hey! I was just at the part where he invents the internet."
• On the subject of vengeance wishes, Anya suggests a scorned woman might "wish he was a dog, or ugly, or in love with President McKinley or something.
• Anya trying to explain the concept of alternate universes.
  Anya: Say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp" you would say to yourself...
  Buffy: Stop, you're saying it wrong! [to the others] I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.
  Anya: [under her breath] Or prawns.
  Buffy: Stop with the shrimp!
• This:
  Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
  Giles: No! ...Yes. It was a gift.
• This gem:
  Willow: They work, Riley. But they take concentration, being attuned with the forces of the universe.
  Xander: Right. You can't just go "librum incendere" and expect—
  [The book Xander is reading bursts in flames and he closes it, stopping the fire]
  Giles: [wearily] Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
• The Scoobies figure out what happened with the augmentation spell.
  Xander: So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
  Giles: Yes.
  Xander: That is so cool!
• Riley's insistence that he is too tall, along with Xander's fear of a world without Jonathan to protect everyone.
• After the spell is broken:
  Xander: You know what I'll always remember?
  Riley: Well, the swimsuit calendar's sticking in my mind. [sees Buffy's face] Not in a good way.

"Where the Wild Things Are" (4x18)

• Buffy and Riley fight a vampire and a demon with horns.
  Buffy: Okay, you get fang, I get horny. [Beat] I mean...
• Anya being Anya, she insists on talking about sex with Xander while he's working in the ice cream truck, until he starts unbuttoning his shirt and says, "You want sex? Let's have sex. Right here. Hot, sweaty, big sex!" Cue the kids and their parents standing there waiting to buy ice cream.
• After Buffy and Riley head off for some...one-on-one time, Willow starts to comment on what they're doing, only for Giles to deliver this nugget:
  Giles: Yes, thank you, Willow. I did attend a university in the Mesozoic Era. I do remember what it's like.
• Spike trying to rob Anya... by jumping out and scaring her with his vamp face. It doesn't work.
  Spike: Oh. It's you.
  Anya: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high.
  Spike: Hey. Yeah, I did. I scared you. [Beat] Give me money.
  Anya: I'm not paying you for scaring me.
  Spike: You're not paying me; I'm robbing you.
  Anya: Well, that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is; when it's mine.
• The orgasm wall.
• Buffy conjures up an essay as an absurdly flimsy excuse for her and Riley to go fuck, and he plays along, badly.
  Graham: And I'm the one who got a 'D' in Covert Ops.
• After everyone is forced to leave Lowell House by the poltergeists, Spike trolls Xander in the most hilarious way possible:
  Xander: We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now who's with me?
  Spike: [stepping up and speaking in a serious tone] I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [walks away] I wonder if Asian House is open.
• Xander tries to re-enter the house by himself... only to promptly get thrown back out by the supernatural force.
• When Willow, Anya, Tara, and Xander go to find Giles, they see him singing and playing guitar in a cafe. Cue stunned looks from the girls, in particular Willow whose mouth falls open, and this line from Xander:
  Xander: Um, could we go back to the haunted house, because this is creeping me out.
  Tara: Does he... do this a lot?
  Xander: Sure. Every day the Earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.
  • Made all the more funnier when the girls all agree that voice is sexy (it is) and Xander nearly starts a Heroic BSoD.
    Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please?
  • They went looking for him after Giles told them he needed some alone time. He spots them mid-song and nearly falters.
  • Willow moaning at how good he is, before remembering why she had such a crush on him. Subtext? Where?
• Giles questions what Buffy and Riley were doing that they didn't respond to the others calling out, and Xander calls him naive.
  Giles: I didn't think you meant—In the midst of all that, do you really think they were keeping it up? ...Oh, for a different phrasing.
• Xander's response after Miss Holt tells him, Giles, and Anya that she can smell the sin on them.
  Xander: Yeah? You smell sin? Let me tell you somethin', lady. She who smelt it dealt it!
  [Giles looks at Xander]
  Xander: It's like what you said, but faster.
• Xander and Anya finally get through into Riley's room, where a completely oblivious Buffy's only response is, "Xander, don't you knock?" They just look completely done with this shit.
• At the end, much like "Band Candy", Buffy seems to be reacting to the events of the main plot.
  Buffy: I just had no idea. It's so creepy. He was really singing?
  Xander: I'd say it was more like crooning. [to Anya] If we grow old together, remind me to skip the midlife crisis.
  Willow: Come, you have to admit, it was kind of sexy.
  Xander: Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives.

"New Moon Rising" (4x19)

• Willow says she was with Oz all night, and Buffy gets into eyebrow-waggle mode, then realizes it was a full moon.
  Buffy: So either you're about to tell me something kinky, or—
• It's brief, but when Oz says that Tara "smells like" Willow, you can see a "WTF?" look form on her face that's hysterical.
• Spike confirms that if he does his bit, Adam will remove his chip.
  Adam: [saluting] Scout's honor.
  Spike: You were a Boy Scout?
  Adam: Parts of me.

"The Yoko Factor" (4x20)

• Adam gives one of his speeches.
  Spike: Wow. I mean, yeah. I get why the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins, if he was a big, scary, Frankenstein-looking...you're exactly like Tony Robbins.
• Giles yelping like a woman after he spots Spike standing in his living room while he sings Lynyrd Skynrd's "Free Bird" and plays his guitar, followed by this remark from Spike:
  Spike: For someone who's got "Watcher" on his resume, you might wanna cast an eye to the front door every now and again.
• His reference to The Wizard of Oz:
  Spike: You haven't been much of a whiz lately.
  Willow: I am a whiz!
  Tara: She is a whiz!
  Willow: If ever a whiz there was.
• Angel's uncharacteristically snarky comment to Buffy about Riley:
  Angel: You actually sleep with this guy?
  • Uncharacteristic on Buffy; very common on Angel.
  • This, when Buffy reacts to Angel's and Riley's Testosterone Poisoning by threatening to hospitalize both.
    Buffy: Does anyone think I'm joking?
    Angel: He star... [cue a Death Glare so furious that Buffy looks like a comical stern mother, shutting him up]
  • When she realizes that they've been fighting:
    Angel: This was an accident.
    Buffy: Running your car into a tree is an accident. Running your fist into someone's face is a plan.
  • Buffy asks Riley to give her and Angel some privacy, and he refuses to leave her room, so she and Angel step outside, Angel giving Riley a petty smirk on his way.
    Riley: ...I'm not moving a muscle.
• Angel's parting words. He turns to Buffy, saying "About Riley..." It's set up as a "take care of her" moment, but gets mercifully subverted when he says "...I don't like him."
  • What improves this is that they clearly did not get along; had the trope not been subverted, it would have been bad writing.
• Riley finding out that Angel, after he annihilated a military strike team, beat him up, and generally acted hostile and insulting, has not been turned evil.
  Riley: You mean this is a good day for him?
• The argument between the four main characters has so many hilarious moments:
  • Giles drunkenly telling Buffy "[Adam]'s gonna kick your ass!" and bursting into giggles after Xander remarks he'll be doing sit-ups at Fort Dix.
    Buffy: Are you drunk?
    Giles: Yes, quite a bit actually.
  • This gem from Willow:
    Willow: You two are the two who are the two! I'm the other one.
  • Giles' off-screen "Bloody Hell!" after Willow finally comes out.
  • Anya and Tara hide in the bathroom and have a hilariously awkward conversation:
    Tara: You think this will go on for a while?
    Anya: [nonchalant] Hard to say.
    They fall silent as they look around the bathroom.
    Tara: Nice bathroom.
    Anya: [nodding] Like the tile.

"Primeval" (4x21)

• As they enter Lowell House.
  Willow: Nervous?
  Xander: No. I'm full of that good old kamikaze spirit.
  Giles: Xander, just because this is never gonna work is no need to be negative.
• After their friendship has nearly been broken apart by Spike's machinations, Buffy tells Willow "you're my best friend" and not long after the two hug Xander:
  Buffy: Xander!
  Willow: Oh, wonderful Xander!
  Buffy: You know we love you, right?
  Willow: We totally do.
  Xander: Oh God, we're gonna die, aren't we?
• Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Giles break into the Initiative through the elevator shaft... only to be confronted by Initiative soldiers.
• While interrogating the Scoobies, Colonel McNamara goes through their bag and finds a gourd.
  McNamara: You think you and your friends can waltz into a government installation brandishing weapons like-like...
  Willow: It's a gourd.
  Giles: Magic gourd.
  McNamara: What kind of freaks are you people?
  • This exchange:
    McNamara: Every inch of this installation is under constant twenty-four hour surveillance.
    Willow: Including the secret lab?
    McNamara: Including everything! [Beat; to Buffy] What secret lab?
• When the enjoining spell ends, a demon bursts in on Giles, Xander, and Willow, who are rescued by Spike.
  Spike: Nasty sort of fellow. Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?
  Giles: Yes. Thank you. Although your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam to start a war that would kill us all.
  Xander: You probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here.
  Spike: Well, yeah. Did it work? [the Scoobies exchange exhausted looks] Well, then everything's all right, and we all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work, team!

"Restless" (4x22)

• Riley says his goodbyes, and Joyce says, "It was nice meeting you. Finally."
  Joyce: Did you notice how pointedly I said, "Finally"?
  Buffy: ...No.
• "Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell...and then I do a spell by myself."
• Backstage, Dream Buffy tells Willow with a bright smile, "Your whole family's in the front row, and they look really angry!"
• Riley's declaration that "I showed up early, so I got to be cowboy guy."
• Giles, as the director of Willow's nightmare Death of a Salesman production, explains to the cast (which includes all the regulars) that they have to be good because "everyone that Willow's ever met is out in that audience, including all of us." If the speech itself wasn't enough, then Harmony repeatedly jumping up to try to bite Giles's neck (he's a head taller than her at least) and Giles's nonchalant reaction ("Stop that, it's very annoying") seals the deal.
  • "Acting is not about behaving, it's about hiding. The audience wants to find you, strip you naked, and eat you alive, so hide. Stop that. ...Now, go on out there, lie like dogs, and have a wonderful time. Now, if we can stay in focus, keep our heads, and if Willow can stop stepping on everyone's cues, I know this will be the best production of Death of a Salesman we've ever done. Stop it."
• Willow's dream interpretation of Death of a Salesman. It involves a cowboy.
  Cowboy-Riley: I'm looking for a man. A salesman.
  Flapper-Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex, throw 'em in the sea for all I care, throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles, men with your groping and spitting all groin no brain three billion of you passing around the same worn-out urge. Men! With your... sales!
• Xander in his dream attempting to use the toilet...only to realize he's being watched by a bunch of Initiative scientists and soldiers.
  Xander: ...Okay, I'm gonna find another bathroom.
• "Spike is like a son to me."
  • "Come on, put your back into it! A Watcher scoffs at gravity!"
• "I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically."
• Dream Giles tells Xander, "Now, listen very carefully. Your life may depend on what I'm about to tell you. You need—" And he continues at length in French.
• Xander's dream sequence where he's Benjamin L. Willard and Snyder is Colonel Kurtz. Made it into the series because Armin Shimerman does a fantastic Marlon Brando impression.
  Snyder: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there, waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers, like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
  Xander: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
• Dream Buffy plays a carnival game trying to hit a "vampire" with a ball but missing by a mile.
  Giles: Buffy, you have a sacred birthright to protect mankind. Don't stick out your elbow.
• In Giles's dream, he finds Spike posing for photos in his crypt. For extra funnies, Spike's portions of the scene are filmed in black and white.
• Giles' encounter with the Cheese Man.
  Cheese Man: I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.
  Giles: Honestly, you meet the most appalling sort of people.
• The single most hilarious part of this episode has to be Giles SINGING his traditional expository monologue about the Monster of the Week. It literally must be seen to be believed.
  • "And Xander, help Willow, and try not to bleed on my couch, I've just had it steam-cleeeeeeeeeaned!"
  • Willow and Xander expressionlessly holding up lighters.
• Riley and Human-Adam discussing their plans for world domination ("The key element is coffee makers that think") and their reaction to an Initiative security breach ("This could be trouble." "We'd better make a fort." "I'll get some pillows.").
  • The Initiative alarm in that scene: "The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives."
• After they wake up:
  Giles: Somehow, our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.
  Buffy: You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
  Giles: I did. I said there could be dire consequences.
  Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.
• The Cheese Man.
  Buffy: Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. [Giles, Xander, and Willow look up in surprise] I don't know where the hell that came from. [all share confused glances at each other as Buffy leaves]