Funny / Bordello of Blood

WARNING: Spoilers are unmarked.

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• The Crypt Keeper's lunch with the mummy director, clearly hating every moment of it.
  Mummy: The last picture that I directed made a fortune, and I don't need to tell you what a piece of shit that was.
  Crypt Keeper: [thinking] No, you don't. I know what a piece of shit it was!
  • And this gem, as the mummy rambles on about a colleague.
    Mummy: Now, of course, he'd give his left nut to work with me.
    Crypt Keeper: [thinking] I'd give my left nut for this lunch to be over.
• Rafe mockingly refers to the police as "The A-Team" as he tries to offer his services to Catherine.
• Rafe holds his office in a run-down adult movie theater.
• Catherine catches Rafe ogling her legs.
• Rafe is shown a photo of Caleb:
  Rafe: Wow. Same parents?
• Rafe receives a phone call from his ex-wife.
  Rafe: [on the phone] I don't care what your scumbag lawyer says! Business is tight! [...] Y'know, you're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality.
  • As Catherine starts to leave in disgust after finding a vintage poster of an adult film, Rafe ends the call with "I gotta go. Fuck you."
• Rafe trying to dig up more info on the brothel at the bar.
  [Zeke's shot knocks a beer onto a girl]
  Rafe: Six pack in the side cleavage!
  • After he causes Zeke to mess up a pool shot:
    Zeke: Step outside.
    Rafe: Sorry, Zeke, I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob.
• During Reverend Current's sermon, the teleprompter lags, and Current is forced to improvise for a few moments. After the sermon ends, he warns a technician that if the teleprompter does it again, he'll "fire his butt."
• Rafe comments to Catherine that Current's church looks like "Superman's dad's joint on Krypton."
• Rafe informs Catherine that Caleb went to a brothel.
  Catherine: A whorehouse?
  Rafe: A house inhabited by whores.
• As Jenkins ravenously eats a burger while talking about the brothel, Rafe remarks the meat is still mooing.
• Some actual clever dialogue in the film as Rafe tries to gain entry to the brothel:
  Rafe: I'm here for the, um, Cunningham wake.^note The cover for the whorehouse.
  McCutcheon: I'm afraid the wake is closed tonight. Come back tomorrow.
  Rafe: I, uh, really must pay my respects right now.
  McCuctheon: Then I suggest you come back tomorrow.
  Rafe: Maybe you don't understand me. I'm feeling excruciatingly sad.
  McCuctheon: I'm so sorry.
  Rafe: And if I don't grieve right now, maybe even grieve two or three times, I'm going to go out of my mind, okay?
  McCuctheon: Then I suggest you go mourn somewhere in private... with a box of tissues! [slams the door in Rafe's face]
• When Jenkins tears up Rafe's business card, Rafe notes it was his only one.
• Before Rafe is transported to the brothel:
  Rafe: Ah, the girls! Let them eat a guy named "Cake."
  • To which McCutcheon comments they like crumpets, too.
• As Rafe looks around the brothel and is rhetorically asked where he is:
  Rafe: Larry Flynt's id?
• Lilith confronts Rafe and tries to seduce him.
  Rafe: I'm not going to tell you those aren't the Breasts of the Century, but I'm just not digging the owner, so why don't you put those away; you're just not my type.
• Rafe covers his ass after it comes out he's not officially licensed as a private eye.
  Rafe: I was there as an everyday horny citizen!
• When Rafe, accompanied by the police chief and Catherine, arrive at the mortuary where McCutcheon has covered up any sign that there's a brothel operating there:
  Rafe: They're Gaslight-ing me, man!
  • Rafe, with contemptuous amusement, refers to McCutcheon as "little Olivier" as he continues lying to the police chief.
  • Catherine stomps on Rafe's foot after he calls McCutcheon "a god-damn liar."
• Current has a prop called the "Laserlight of the Lord" which nearly hits him during a rehearsal.
• While Rafe and Catherine are looking for Caleb in the factory:
  Rafe: I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Tales from the Crypt.
• After Rafe shoots Caleb who has been turned into a vampire:
  Rafe: Sorry, Katherine, but that wasn't your brother anymore.
  Caleb: [regains consciousness] Wrong! I'll always be your brother, sis!
  Rafe: Katherine, run from your brother.
• As Catherine prepares to cross a gap:
  Rafe: [starting back for the stairs] That is the craziest fuckin' thing I've ever... [sees Caleb]
  Caleb: Hi, dickhead.
  Rafe: [heading back to the ledge] That is the second craziest fuckin' thing I've ever...
• Whoopi Goldberg's cameo as Rafe's hospital roommate who complains about the noise made by Tammy exploding after being exposed to sunlight. She shoots Rafe a dirty look before going back to sleep.
• Rafe crashes his car into the mortuary, flattening McCutcheon which is obviously a dummy.
• Current literally kicking Vincent in the ass.
• In a glorious inversion of Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?, Lilith flips the bird at Rafe after he strikes her in the shoulder with an ax.
  Lilith: Fuck you!
• After Lilith handcuffs him to the railing:
  Rafe: I'd rather Crazy Glue my dick to the bullet train than fuck you!
• Rafe, still handcuffed to the railing, trying to BS his way out of trouble as Lilith, rapidly deteriorating from being hit with the Laserlight of the Lord in an attempt to cut out her heart, advances on him, threatening to kill him.

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