Funny / Awful Hospital

She could earn good money as some soap company's mascot, if she ever gets out of the Hospital!

As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.

• Fern reawakens in her hospital room, after her first time being killed. The picture she ripped off the wall has been replaced by a piece of paper with the word "ART" written on it. Then, a little later on, she tears THAT down too, to draw a map with.
• Practically every word spoken by...
  • ...Dr. Phage:
    Dr. Phage: If you need me for a real problem you didn't make up, I'll be in my office, peer reviewing my latest groundbreaking discoveries.
  • ...the Depressed Spleen:
    Depressed Spleen: I'm sure you outgrew the plebeian thrills of dismemberment by the time you finished your pupation, or whatever it is you multi-parters do.
• Fern needs a way to deal with Nurse Molly.
  Fern: Got anything for an anthropomorphic garbage bag problem?
  Crooked Spine: If you're tired of that pesky biological waste refusing to stay dead, what you need is the state-of-the-art, one-of-a-kind, limited-edition marvel of technology weeeeEEEEEE DON'T HAAAAAAVE!
  (This ever so helpful answer is punctuated by the sudden sound of a large audience "oohing" with impressed awe. You choose to ignore it.)
• Fern becomes fed up with practically everything being alive and sentient in the hospital:
  Surgical Bed: Pardon me, but... if I may interject?
  Fern: OKAY, ISN'T THERE ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T TALK!?!
  Tile Floor: I don't talk.
• Fern goes looking for a patient she'd become friends with for a blood donation, only to find it's GONE FISHING.
• Some stories are saddled with protagonists who could stand to emote more frequently and be more expressive. Fortunately for all of us, Fern doesn't suffer from such problems.
• "IT'S WEAKENING! CONSIDER TUBES!"
• The Commentators, themselves, have ALWAYS been good for seeing the lighter side of Fern's ordeals, right from the start! Seriously, if you read through Awful Hospital and focus only on the comic, itself, while snubbing all the Commentators' commentary, you truly are missing out on half the fun! For example, one Commentator suggested that Fern assemble all the patients in her wing of The Hospital into a complete human being. It's the first, (and so far, only) time she's giggled.
• When Fern is pushed into the Inert Vessel, it makes her plumb steamed◊!
• Fern's utter confusion at the introduction of the tabletop RPG-style combat system.
  Celia: It's a level SIX monster, and it has SEVEN hearts. Once you landed a successful blow, you rolled 1D20 for each of those hearts! It lost one for every roll that MET OR EXCEEDED its level! You and I are LEVEL 10, and the worm only rolled an 8 on its counterattack, so we've nary a scratch! The sooner you get the hang of this, the cleaner these battle pages are gonna look!
  Fern: YOU ARE SPEAKING NONSENSE WORDS.
• The April Fools' Day Joke. All of it.
• The Burgrr cast shows up to celebrate the one year anniversary, much to Fern's confusion.
  BBQ Girll: Happy anniversary!
  Fern: OH GOD YOU AGAIN. WHERE IS THIS?
  BBQ Girll: Can you believe it's been a whole year?
  Fern: What?! What's been a year?!
• This little moment in the final dungeon of the Inert Sub Concept vessel arc.
  The voices: Poke the floating thing before you leave
  Fern: Uh, I don't think that's a good ide-
  Maggie: *poke*
• Overlapping with Moment of Awesome: this Steven Universe Fusion Dance sequence.
• A DOLPHIIINN! And Fern's reaction to this.
• Crash's jab at Fern after she returns to his room:
  Crash: BACK SO SOON, PITSTAINS??! HEY LOOK, IT'S YOU! "BLAH BLAH BLAH, I'M ALL FULL OF BLOOD! HOPE NOBODY DROPS IT ON THE GROUND!!!" LOL
• During the fight with Balphin, Staph uses an attack referred to as "reverse healing". What it turns out this actually entails is her pulling out a giant pistol from Hammerspace and shooting several times.
• Upon returning to the Morgue proper, Fern finds herself facing a very angry Dr. Balmer, who dishes out threats as soon as he sees her. The only problem? He's about four times smaller than when we last saw him, and Fern's having none of his ranting.
• Balmer has the last laugh shortly later when Fern is desperately running away from reanimated cadavers of herself. She runs into a brick wall that Balmer apparently built, with a note on it mocking her. She isn't amused.
• At one point, Jay fights a creature called the "Casu Marzoil", which has the same Intentional Engrish for Funny way of speaking as the magboils... up until Jay defeats it, at which point it simply says, "........dude.................."
• The Blindtrain, which is equipped with Bizarre Alien Senses, takes Jay on a sightseeing tour:
  The Conductor: If you glemp to your right, you may catch a snail congress in full bloom for the sweeps season! And if you listen diagonally, you can smell that fresh vapor wafting off the dummy wars of the juice pits! ...And don't forget to keep a feeler out for the parazonal sludge parade, back from its 974th encystenating! Haha, go get 'em, gals!
  Jay: I can't see s██t.
• More fun from Jay:
  Jay's journal: A garbage bag with feet ran up to me and exploded. The hospital must be running out of ideas.
  Jay's journal: Apparently pianos can be carnivorous.
  Jay's journal: Another full slob was hiding in a locker. I don't question physics anymore.
  Jay's journal: I lost a fight to what I swear to god was just a stack of ten or fifteen frogs wearing the same coat together. (beat) All of them had guns.
• The Eyeslob's reaction to the Parliament Emissary, or as it's referred to, "The Boring".
  ....OHHHHH NOOOO!!! IT A BOARING!!! IT SO BOOOOOOOOOOORRRRENGGGGGEEE U NO WANT A SKEWL U WANT A GO!!!! UGH UGH Y IT TALKA BWORRRRE!!!!! URRRG U DARN BORRANGD!!!
• The Eyeslob's way to deal with a Biobag non-lethally.
• The Parliment is not to be taken lightly, but sometimes even they don't make it easy to take them seriously.
  VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV: THE MALADY EXHIBITS UNPREDICTABLE BEHAVIORAL ADAPTATIONS. ILLNESS LEVELS ARE REGISTERING AT FOUR-ZEEB THREAT CAPACITY IN CONCEPTUAL ZONE 82-00-1121.
  DRAINFLUNK: ZONE DEFINITION REQUESTED.
  WALLFLAP: The Hospital.
  DRAINFLUNK: SHIT.
• The page titles in the archive can be this at times.
  607: Circula Door-i
  608: I apologize for "Circula Door-i" I've done a lot of these okay
  613: sorry sorry but Circula Drawer-i sorry
  616: Circula's Core-i
• When Fern tries to explain to Willis about Planet Earth and its day/night cycle, he seems to interpret it as some kind of wacky amusement park ride.
  Willis: ...Can I see!? Can I ride on the big ball and see it do the night times!?
• When Fern finally gets a chance to wash herself in a clean bathroom, she's as euphoric as a famished woman eating a 5-star banquet! ^note (As pictured above.) That says a lot about the Hospital's overall hygiene.
• Eyeslob remembered its nonviolent conflict resolution tactic.
• Fern sets a hilariously simple trap◊ for Doctor Phage, but the funniest part of it is how Phage perceives it. And after he gets caught in it, it takes Phage nearly a full hundred layers to even realize that he's trapped under a box, much less escape.
  Thusly, we see that... that I'm... in a box again, aren't I.

  There's an element of Genius Bonus to this, too, when you consider how rubber duck debugging works.

• The maternity ward password turns out to be... Phage's own name. But he decided that that password wasn't secure enough so he changed it at the last minute...
  Wait, no! I am a genius! Now it's:
  DRHMPHAPE
  That'll show 'em!

  Fern's reaction is hilarious.

  Fern: [looks at the paper, then has an Imagine Spot of strangling Dr. Phage] [Broken Smile] I hate him so much.

• It's a minor detail, but when Dr. Man battles Fern and her friends, he flips his head mirror around so that the mirror's facing backwards, the way you'd expect some gangsta thug to flip around his baseball cap.
• There is something amusing about Dr. Man moving to having a more frontal position just because he saw that the commentators mention that the angle he had in the previous strip looked weird.
• The title for Phase II's first chapter is literally "...EW."
• Fern's first task as a temp employee in the Maternity Ward is to care for an "egglet", a palm-sized, slightly cracked egg with eyes. Gynnie indicates that it's one of the most basic tasks available for Maternity Ward workers. The funny part? It's literally a Tamagotchi. No, really.
• When Chip poured out the content of his head, he was in absolute agony, as if his very soul was being ripped out. When Joe was pouring Fern a cup of blackish foam, he acted like he would react in the same way... then just let out a relaxed sigh.
• Flair and Joe's burgeoning relationship.
  Bogleech: Joe/Jay is that type of person who practically craves being miserable and will jump on the tiniest excuse to hate someone and complain about something, while Flair is a power-crazed greedy parasite. Together, they each make the other feel very fulfilled.
• The sheer spectacle of running into an unexpected character, Dr. Balmer, now working as a fry cook. Cue nearly half of the "buzzers" swooning over his new humanoid body, especially his chiseled ass.
• Doctor Phage becomes anime... in two◊ very different◊ senses of the word.
• Phage gives a short yet frightening speech about how it's time for him to seek out Fern... only to activate Mood Whiplash by referring to her as "Ferp", in what may be a call back to him changing his name as it appears in the Maternity Ward password to "Phape".
• After a tense sequence where Fern barely manages to escape Doctor Phage, Eyeslob gets left behind just as Phage enters Fern's room. The tension builds as the two stare at each other for several Beat Panels... and then Doctor Phage begins happily exclaiming about what a "healthy young man" Eyeslob is and runs off to show him to Doctor Mizer, giving Fern enough time to go back and drag Eyeslob along with her. One of the commentators put it best:
  Commentator: Dr. Phage's reaction to Eyeslob is the same as everyone else's: immense pride and joy combined with a desire to show him off to others.
  • There's also the fact that Phage is so far-gone at this point that he sees a creature that is a literal embodiment of traumatic injury as being perfectly healthy.
• The fact that file name for the icon where "Miss" has a tiny, barely noticeable smile is "icon-girloverwhelmedwithjoy".
• After the Ottoman eats a Swarl Clister and detonates, Jerry threatens to... file a scathing performance review.
• Fern gets the opportunity to have Chip update her on the current location and status of Doctors Mizer and Phage... and it turns out they're both independently t-posing in separate areas of the Hospital.
• When Fern is taking notes on Dr. Fleagood:
  Willis: You forgot he has a BIIIIG DUMB BUTT.
  Fern: Noted, thank you Willis.

  She doesn't actually mention it in the notes she was taking, leading to this exchange in the comments:

  Commentator: Now Fern, I do hate to be rude, but I noticed that you have not, in fact, noted Dr. Fleagood's big dumb butt, despite claims you would.
  Another Commentator: fern's a dirty liar.

• Most of what Fern does under the influence of Anna's gas is pure hilarity. And while her realizing that the vending machine isn't supposed to talk and saving Nicole's baby from it is admittedly badass, it's also comedy gold.
  Fern: Last snack machines I met ain't had a thing to say and that's obviously 'cause they ain't cleared for cognomanifestation on either Hospital or connected grounds so what's your story!? Huh?! HUH!? And we're just supposed to believe THIS dump would waste a perceptowoken food dispenser on their lower-rung Spongebobs?!
  Miss: I was gonna say "ouch" but...fair.
• During her Fetch Quest to recover things related to a "computer", Fern acquires a can of potato chips. This is what the narration has to say about them:
  The fish had a lot of nonsense to say about them, but they appear to be ordinary, everyday copyright-friendly pringle-adjacent potato snacks. It is your understanding that they might function as computer chips, because, as has grown increasingly clear about the nature of the universe, everything is actually always very stupid.
• During the above-mentioned fetch quest, Fern encounters a creature named Holly, who's trying and failing to feed the "board" she made to her children. Fern realizes that by the insane logic of this universe, the board can likely function as a motherboard, and acquires it by feeding Holly's children some fries. And the board turns out to be... A Ryzen Threadripper 3990X 64-Core 2.9 GHz Desktop Processor. As in, an actual motherboard.
• According to Query, the room Crash usually used to talk with Jay smells like "Professor Cheezorg's Pseudonutritive Starch Clots: Screaming Triple Saltastrophe Flavor IV (Final Reckoning)". And that those have less sodium than what he was eating before Query told him to cut back on it.