Funny / As Good as It Gets

• This exchange:
  "Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend?!"
  "Everyone wants that, dear. It doesn't exist."
• "How do you write women so well?" "I think of a man. And I take away reason and accountability."
  • Made twice as funny when you take into account that this was an actual reply from John Updike when he was asked the same question.
• Simon's dead-on Jack Nicholson impression.
• Melvin stealing Frank's Scary Black Man routine when dealing with a cop. While Frank is less than twenty feet up the hallway, and grinning as he watches.
• Spencer gives the doctor who visits glowing praise. "I'm an expert on doctors!"
• "You are not still writing that thank you letter!" "I'm on the last page!"
• Melvin introducing Carol to Simon: "Carol the waitress, Simon the fag." Not to mention Carol and Simon both taking it in stride.
• Melvin confronting Simon after his disastrous date with Carol; "Did you have sex with her?" Carol enters, ignoring Melvin as she discusses taking the hotel's complimentary soap and other supplies. Melvin looks taken aback; "Sorry. Didn't realise she was still here. (to Simon) DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER?!"
• Early in the film, Carol's disastrous date; the guy lays her down on a couch and begins to tongue her forehead in a manner seemingly meant to be erotic, but instead causes her to burst out laughing; after Carol cleans up a minor health incident for her son, they then try to resume only for her date to get kid-puke on his hand trying to grope her.
• This exchange, when Carol, Melvin, and Simon have pulled over after Simon tells Carol about his Dark and Troubled Past, to Melvin's annoyance:
  Carol: We all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-
  Melvin: That's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories, that take place at lakes, with boats and friends and noodle salad, just no one in this car.
• "SHUT UP KIDS!"