Funny / Ansem Retort

Ansem Retort is full of 'em.

• In #9:
  Sora: Oh God, this must be what One Piece felt like when it was being dubbed!
• In #43
  Kairi: I don't know what happened. I was just telling him about how Cloud and Squall were secret lovers who met in a cross-dimensional portal, and then he fell over and foamed at the mouth.
  Namine: That'll do, fangirl. That'll do.
• In #101:
  Axel: KILL THE HERETIC!
  Marluxia: Axel, that's a priest!
  Axel: DROWN HIM IN HOLY WATER!
• In #114, Marluxia manages to distract the mercenary Cloud in a unique way:
  Marluxia: I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy that it hurts!
  Cloud: THIS IS WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS!
• In #115
  Zexion: You mix surgery and vodka, who the hell knows what weapons are in what organs.
• In #129
  Axel: RETARDED WHALE CORPSE OF DEATH!
  Aerith: Why would he destroy the Goodyear Blimp?
• In #169
  Namine: Zexion, we're supposed to be helping, not filming the fight.
  Zexion: Well &$@! that.
• The entire arc where Zexion is running for governor is pretty funny, but the best moment is when Sora flips out during the debate with the owl:
  Sora: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop, Wise Mr. Owl? HOW MANY LICKS?!
• In #255 Darth Maul gives Larxene crayons and coloring books to get her to calm down, only to find she's still somehow high. Cue this exchange:
  Darth Maul: Larxene, I gave you those crayons and coloring books so you'd calm down. What the hell did you do?
  Larxene: I got HHIIIIiiiiiiiIIIIGH!!
  Darth Maul: *Holding the box of crayons* What the? How the hell did you get high off crayons? OH WHAT THE FUCK?! *Zoomed in shot of the crayon box that says "Crayola. With Heroin!"*
• In #288, Sora tries to make a sexual inneudo while holding a pair of coconuts. Red XIII was not amused, so he knocked Sora over, causing one of the coconuts to break on the ground. When Namine walks in and asks what's the mess on the ground is, Sora explains it as plainly as possible:
  Namine:Ummm, what is this white stuff?
  Sora:It came out of my nuts.
  Namine:I'm...I'm going to burn my eyes out now.
• In #313 when Riku and Namine are performing "Rock You Like a Hurricane."
  Announcer: I don't want to interrupt, but I'd like to remind everyone that all of tonight's proceeds goes towards Hurricane Katrina victims.
  Namine: Oh...ooh we're bad...people.
• In #382, negotiations for Season 4.
  Zexion: Topping our list for the 4th straight season, we want lesbian fan service.
  Ansem: I've told you, not until we need a cheap ratings boost.
  Axel: Next, I want a daily yak sacrificed to the German moon god.
  Ansem: Tell you what, we'll keep more bacon stocked in the fridge.
  Axel: Deal.
• #410
  Axel: I AM THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST HOOD ORNAMENT!
  Axel: PIDGEONS, CRAP ON ME AT YOUR OWN DEMISE!
• #414.
  Axel:' I just got Rick-Rolled by Jesus!
• #460 has a Large Body complaining about the "anti-fat society"... followed by Xemnas coming out of nowhere and killing it with his laser blades.
• #510
  Zexion: "No! I am offended by the insensitivity of this breakfast! FUCK YOU, RACIST PANCAKE!!"
• AL CAPONE wants to fight LARXENE! SKULL FUCKY! I choose you! PIKACHU used THUNDER BOLT! Its super effective! SKULL FUCKY used MEGA PUNCH! ...Wait what the fuck!
• The time Axel and Zexion act like terrorists and hijack a plane. They then decide to list their demands to the governor and his director of cabinet: Zexion and Axel.
  Zexion: We've cleared out first class. You ready to list your demands?
  Axel: Damn skippy! * Over the phone* Mr. Governor, I've taken 65 plane passengers hostage.
  Zexion: * Over the phone, while standing right next to Axel* I will not negotiate with terrorists!
  Axel: I guess I'll have to convince you we mean business— Psst, Zex, go kill a hostage.
  Zexion: * Covered in blood* Hmm, so you're willing to kill hostages. Let me talk with my cabinet. Axel, a terrorist is holding a plane hostage.
  Axel: I say you give in to all of his demands.
  Zexion: * Over the phone* I'm willing to negotiate.
  Axel: The time for negotiations has long since ended!
• Time Travel Binge 2010
  Axel: Yo Marluxia, we're inventing time travel!
  Marluxia: Looks like you're just drinking.
  Zexion: Exactly! And we need you to drink the gay drinks.
  Axel: Cause you're gay.
  Marluxia: So you want me to drink appletinis until we go back in time?
  Axel: Yes!
• This insult...backfire?
• TVTropes was actually right about something!
• "Man, that was awesome. Now to go burn the courthouse!"
• Strip 659 has Sora using Red XIII's ripped off face as a mask.
  Sora: Look at me! I'm the guy with a face! Woogety-woogety-woo!
  • For extra laughs, imagine his saying that line with raocow's voice.
• "EAT MY ABORTION!"
• Sora on trial:
  Sora: I plead the 19th!
  Phoenix Wright: You plead the right for women to vote?
  Sora: Am I going to get the death penalty?
• Namine and Riku in the hula competition. They opt to do their routine to Rock You Like a Hurricane. Less than a minute into it, an announcer informs everyone that the competition is a charity event with the proceeds going to Hurricane Katrina victims.
• A serial killer and a morally ambiguous doctor worship Batman.
• This comic is a Take That! to people who think that legalizing gay marriage will destroy the institution of marriage.
• Merry FAG Day, everyone.