Funny / All Assorted Animorphs AUs

• "What if the series was set in modern times?"
  • The Visitor: After Rachel reports on what she saw in Chapman's house, Marco comments that despite how advanced the Yeerks are, they just made 3D Skype. When Rachel says it was good 3D that didn't require wearing glasses to see, Marco concludes that Yeerk 3D Skype is still lame.
  • The Capture: Instead of tying Jake's hands behind his back like in canon while they starve the Yeerk out of his head, the team zip-ties him to a chair using a tutorial Marco found on Pinterest.
  • The Alien
    • Tobias announces he's revoking Ax's Netflix privileges after the Andalite responds to Rachel announcing she has to prioritize homework over reconnaissance by saying <Boo, you whore>.
    • Ax prefers YouTube to Netflix because the former platform has preroll ads. He specifically mentions enjoying how the advertisements are targeted based on the viewer's internet history, calling it "considerate".
  • The Android: Jake and Marco have an argument about the plot of Civil War (2006), with Marco eventually telling Jake to get off his high horse because they were previously "having a perfectly civil conversation".
  • The Reaction: Cassie bought a N.W.A album, then claimed the initialism stood for "Nice With Altruism" so her mother wouldn't object to the band's actual name. Rachel is highly amused when she puts two and two together.
  • The Unknown: Marco writes fifteen sentences about how stunned he is by Cassie's beauty after she posts her first Facebook selfie. When Cassie asks how much money Rachel put in his Steam wallet to write that comment, Marco says he got ten dollars for doing that but would've done it for five.
  • The Warning: Marco justified buying all the instant maple and ginger oatmeal to his dad by claiming it was gluten-free. Once the team decides they can't use oatmeal, he complains to Rachel that his dad put both of them on a fad diet because of it.
  • The Decision: Ax is able to fund all the team's expenses because his computer can make its own bitcoin, giving him nearly infinite funds. Marco calls him the team's sugar daddy because of it
  • The Extreme: Marco agrees to go on a date to an organic food truck rally, then looks up what that entails. An hour into the date, he texts Jake to ask for a bailout from "an impending granola overdose."
    Marco: So much gluten free quinoa! Such cultural appropriation! SO MANY FAUX HIPPIES! Send help.
  • The Exposed:
    • Ax learned that all giant squids are gay. His source? 4chan.
      Tobias: <Do me a favor and please don’t judge our entire species based on anything you saw there.>
    • After the team spends a few minutes thinking about Ax ending up on 4chan, Marco loudly asks if anyone wants to hear what he learned about giant squids from Wikipedia.
  • The Experiment: Ax is able to flawlessly rattle off Overcomplicated Menu Orders at Starbucks, but thinks the word "soy" is funny. Meanwhile, Tobias complains about Ax spending all their bitcoins on coffee.
  • The Drode shows up in the alternate timeline at the beginning of Elfangor's Secret and is immediately greeted by Jake and Rachel pointing automatic rifles at his head.
  • The Reunion
    • We see Marco's names for everyone in the group chat: Ax is "Smurfette", Tobias is "Hawkgirl", Jake is "Team Dad", Cassie is "Julia Butterfly Hill", and Rachel is "Xena: Warrior Princess".
    • For some reason, Ax is convinced that Marco invented flea powder. Tobias tells him that if that were true, they'd be a lot richer than they currently are.
  • The Yeerk Peace Movement's hilariously bad rhyming couplet tweets in The Prophecy.
    “Want to be On Fleek? When you see someone’s rights threatened, speak!”
    “Don’t be a Belieber anymore - end slavery and even the score.”
    “#tbt: Remember when we were symbiotes? Give taxxon freedom your sympathy votes!”
    “Nickelback is super lame, and keeping involuntary hosts is just the same.”
    “Respect your host’s rights today, and make your human into your bae!”
  • At the end, Tobias becomes a college professor and teaches ornithology. His classes consist of him ranting about other birds and insulting his students.
• "What if they were caught during their first mission?" is mostly serious, but it has a few gems during the climax:
  • After Marco kills Visser Three:
    Cassie considers the possibility that in freeing him she did more harm than good. Aftran privately agrees.
  • Tom tells Jake he'd "be ready to follow you through hell and back with only moderate levels of insubordination."
  • The final lines of the chapter:
    Jake: If I’m leading this revolution, rule number one: nobody’s calling me ‘prince.’
    Ax: <Absolutely, Prince Jake.>
• The entirety of "What if Jake seduced a sub-visser?", from the ridiculous "pastel Dracula" outfit Rachel makes him wear, to Jake's awkward attempts at flirting, to Ax's obsession with the taco truck, to the other Animorphs thought-yelling conflicting advice at Jake while he's trying to listen to Ireiss/Stacy, to Rachel's strong opinions about Angelina Jolie, to Tom leaving a note for Jake complaining about Stacy's constant calls.
• "What if Marco was Deaf?":
  • Marco's nickname for Cassie is "Crazy Tree".
  • Marco hears music for the first time when he sneaks into a concert in dog morph... and he hates it.
    Marco: <This is music? Seriously, Jake? THIS is what everyone keeps talking about all the time? This is atrocious. I want my goddamn money back.>
    Jake: <We didn’t pay, remember? We snuck in. After you were the one who was like ‘let’s morph dogs, Jake, just this once. It could be the fate of the world, Jake. I’ve never heard music before, Jake. It’s just one concert, Jake, and it might be the only concert I ever get to hear. We could die at any minute, Jake.’>
• At the end of "What if Tom was infested by a member of the Yeerk Peace Movement?", Marco sums up the wild turn of events:
  Of all the insane things we’ve done in this whole insane war, this is the most insane of them all. There’s no topping this insanity. None.
• "What if all the yeerks suddenly died?"
  • Alloran has been reprimanded for stealing too many tiny Danishes from his hotel's breakfast bar.
  • Ax calls Eva "Mrs. Marco's Mom".
• In "What if Jake was stuck in morph?", Jake tells Marco and Tobias that he doesn't like eating humans because they taste of shampoo and testosterone. They're both understandably squicked out by this.
  Marco: Thank you, ever so much, for making sure the rest of us share in the urge to puke our guts out. Really.
  Tobias: Shit like this the reason I’m a vegetarian.
• "What if Marco was the one split in half in #32?" has Marco flirting with Tom.
  “You know…” Marco rests a hand on Tom’s forearm, staring up into his face. “You have just the nicest smile. And your shoulders are just perfect. You know?”
  A look of dull confusion crosses Tom’s face, his eyes slowly blinking once, twice. Then, with a shake as if trying to stay awake, he apparently decides not to dignify that one with a response.
• "What if James, not David, became the seventh Animorph?":
  • Marco mentions that someone tried to sell him a holographic Charizard, leading him, Rachel, and Tobias to go on a tangent about the value of Pokémon cards.
  • James does not buy Marco's cover story about how the morphing cube is part of a next-gen gaming system and threatens to call security if he and Jake don't leave right now.
  • James shrugs off the pain of being zapped by Dracon sunglasses while in seagull morph, because it's nothing compared to an unanesthetized lumbar puncture. Rachel decides she likes him after this.
• "What if they all went to college together postwar?":
  • Rachel accidentally walks in on Jake and Cassie having sex. In their sheer panic, Jake tries to hide under the covers while Cassie morphs into a squirrel; Rachel is so confused and squicked out that she forgets why she went in that room in the first place.
  • Tobias lost his room key ages ago, while Ax ate his. Ever since then, they've been re-entering their dorm by flying in through a hole in the window screen because it's cheaper than buying a new key. Further inquiry reveals that their room has had multiple raccoons enter through the hole, Tobias eats the small rodents that also get in, and they've been storing their textbooks in a loose ceiling panel in another building. Rachel finally loses her patience when Jake shows approval towards storing belongings in the ductwork.
    Rachel: How is it Cassie is the only one actually raised in a barn, and also the only one of you who isn’t acting like she was raised in a barn?
  • Rachel interviews Ax about when he learned that there were aliens on Earth, which goes off on a tangent about the mean lies the eldest sibling tells the younger ones:
    Rachel: Okay, look, that time I told Jordan and Sarah that peeing in the pool would dye the water green was self-defense.
    Jake: Whereas the time that Tom told me Santa Claus didn’t visit our house because of all the bad things I’d done during the year was pure evil. Point being—
    Rachel: That is indescribably evil. I can’t believe I never tried that one.
    Ax: Elfangor once told me that all creatures with mouths evolved that way to cannibalize their own parents. I was terrified of djabalas for months after that.
  • Marco gets high and starts rambling about water. Jake is having none of it and asks how many pot brownies he ate; when he shows skepticism about the claim that it was only one small one, Marco admits he got hungry and ate four more.
• "What if they had a chance to do it all over?"
  • Rachel and Tobias' Big Damn Kiss is described as "the four-armed Rachelntobias creature."
  • Rachel and Cassie scare Jeremy Jason McCole away from the Sharing by half-morphing into a grizzly bear and wolf in his dressing room and threatening him. It works.
  • Marco prevents his math teacher from marrying his dad by going up to her one day and painting his dad in as negative of a light as possible, including telling her he's seeing two or three other women at the same time.
  • The G7 summit gets cancelled due to one of the rooms it would've been in getting completely wrecked. The destruction is attributed to a bomb going off, as nobody present can recognize it as the aftermath of a rhinoceros rampage.
  • Marco mentions wanting to place bets on the outcome of the World Series, as thanks to having been booted back in time he already knows what'll happen.
• "What if they saved Jake's family?" has the entire sequence of getting the Berensons to the Hork-Bajir valley. Highlights include:
  • Steve is in utter disbelief and keeps muttering to himself about possible causes of hallucinations... whereas Jean is more shocked by the news that Eva is alive. Marco calls them all whackos.
  • "Jean also makes several attempts to talk to Jake in a nice, soothing voice about how she’s not sure what’s going on here but kidnapping his brother is definitely not the answer to all of the problems he’s been having in school over the last several months." This is apparently more of a concern to her than the fact that Jake is currently a tiger.
  • Tom doesn't expect Jake of all people to be the Animorphs' leader, nor for there to only be six of them.
• "What if Tom's yeerk got the morphing cube from David first?" has the scene where Jake morphs Tom to get the cube back from Bill and Hailey.
  Both controllers are looking at Tom — Jake — with open wariness. “Do you think that Visser Three would approve of this mess?” He crosses his arms. “If he has to learn about it, that is. Sorry to do it this way, but either you let me take it from here, or else…” He raises an eyebrow.
  The other two controllers look at each other. Rachel’s not sure which is confusing them more: the “please,” or the “sorry.”
  The controller-girl clambers upright. She puts the cube into Tom’s hand.
  “Thank you,” Jake says.
  Rachel fights the urge to roll her eyes. He makes a terrible fake-visser.
  Before anyone has time to wonder when yeerks started being polite to their underlings, Jake turns and runs for it at top speed.
• "What if all the yeerks suddenly died? (Part 2)":
  • In order to avoid the paparazzi, Rachel and Cassie morph cockroaches so Jordan can smuggle them in and out of school. Rachel insists on bringing all her make-up supplies with her.
    Jordan: I feel like a damn drug mule.
  • Tom insists that Jake should explain everything to their parents because he knows that watching someone shapeshift is easier to believe than "I was mind-controlled by aliens who have all mysteriously disappeared." Later, when Tom struggles to explain each alien race to his mom, Jake decides not to help.
  • Eva has a bumper sticker on her minivan that says "My Other Car is a Blade Ship".
  • After the ex-hosts save Marco from a bully:
    Tobias: Did we, like, join the Sharing without meaning to?
    Marco: Man, I think the Sharing joined us.
  • Eva is installing a second Dracon cannon on the roof of her house because the homeowners' association objected to the first one.
  • David's eBay username is "DavidCobraLord".
• The wedding preparations in "What if Jake and Cassie got married?" are hilarious. Jake is self-conscious about the most minor things, Ax attempts to make small talk with a slightly-drunk Marco, and according to Rachel, Menderash has already eaten two earthworms, a candle, some decorative sand, and part of Collette’s bouquet.
• "What if Peter and Naomi got married?" ends with Marco dying of embarrassment because Eva got together with Loren.
  “And it’s worst of all for me!” Marco has flopped back over. He emits a noise something like a wookiee being murdered. “Please someone acknowledge that it’s worst of all for me!”
  Cassie pats him on the back of the head. “It’s worst of all for you,” she says.
  “Thanks,” he says into the grass.
• In "What if they were in a haunted house?", the group are more annoyed by the actions of the ghost trapping them in the house than scared. For example, at one point it tries to lure Rachel away in the middle of the night by calling for help in her mother's voice; Jake and Rachel agree that Naomi would never set foot in the rundown house, and go back to sleep.
  • Jake struggling to explain Christianity to Ax, only to remember after several hours that Marco was raised Catholic and could have explained better than him. Marco is unrepentant about letting him go on so long.